All language subtitles for Im.Alan.Partridge.S02E04.Never.Say.Alan.Again.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor

# I loved you-ou
But you left me. #

That was Norwich-based
singer/songwriter Christian Le Vaux

with a self-penned song entitled
I Loved You But You Left Me.

He can't get a record deal. There's
no justice, Christian...Le Vaux.

It's the bank holiday weekend -
a terrible time for the lonely,

which Christian testifies to
on his second track.
Yes - Lonely 'Cos You Left Me.

Tonight, we're think-abouting which
celebrity you'd like to spend a bank
holiday with, and what would you do?

Sue says she'd like to sit down with
some hotpot and cabbage and watch
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with Sting.

And...um...T Gladden e-mails to say
he'd like to clear out the attic
with the LOVELY Kate Winslet.

OK. On the line we have, if I'm
not mistaken, Roy from Caister
St Edmunds. Roy, hello? Hello.

It's bank holiday,
what you doing, who's with ya?

I'd like to go round Legoland
with Sean Connery, and then we'd go
for a lovely lamb lunch in Windsor.

Got to say, Roy, I don't think
that's Connery's cup of tea.
Sean would rather do something like

wander round the wild fowl park in
Pepperstock with a bottle of Scotch.

I don't agree. He'd go to Legoland.
Bye. Well...

Sorry. Music!
Hide the steak, it's Chrissie Hynde.

When they found him, he still
had the remote control in his hand.

That was moving, rabbit classic,
Bright Eyes.

Another cheeky chappie who's
staring into the abyss of having
to spend three days with HIMSELF -

the insomniac's boyfriend
David Clifton.

Good evening to you, Alan. Actually,
I'm not so sure about that, Alan,

cos I'm gonna be seeing a friend
at the weekend. Uh-oh!
Johnnie Walker or Jack Daniels? No.

Glenmorangie? No. No.

I'm gonna be seeing Tony Hadley
from Spandau Ballet. Rubbish.

I'm doing an archery weekend with
him. Really? Yeah. I'm grade three.

I'm hoping to get my grade four
this weekend.

How do you...how do you...who...can
I? What are you doing this weekend?

Watching all the Bond films with
Michael. Who works at the BP garage.

I know where he works.
There goes Alan Partridge -

licensed to kill TIME
in his caravan by watching videos.

Good one. Arrows are deceitful.
When a cowboy fires a gun, there's
a bang - gives you a chance to duck.

When a cowboy has an arrow fired at
him, he hears nothing. If he's
lucky, it sticks in his hat and
looks daft,

but more often than not, it sticks
in his back and he dies slumped
on the horse that rides off with
him.

Bye, Alan. See you later, pal.
And archers -

I hate archers,

The Archers and Jeffrey Archer.
You're all deceitful cowards!

I just realised that only applies
to archers and Jeffrey Archer,

but not The Archers who, to be fair,
are a mixed bag. Goodbye.

OK, and what are we doing to
the planet? Well, it's Purple Rain.

Bang! P-f-f-f-f! I'm James Bond.

Right in the neck. You can live, if
it doesn't sever the spinal column.

I wouldn't be able to talk.
I'd go, "A-ah!" I love the gadgets.

Bond, remove the top of this pen,
jab it in somebody's eye and smash
it in with your hand, like that.

That's not a gadget,
that's just monstrous use of a biro.

Check it out, there's an advert
for it. Yeah? Whey-hey, Truckfest!

It's coming to Ipswich.
David Soul's gonna be there.

BOTH: Uh! U-u-u-u-u-uh!

Hey, imagine that, Mike,
driving across the States

on one of them roads, Route 66,
sleeping in motels. Aye, just
go into a shop and buy a gun. Yeah.

BOTH: Uh! U-u-u-u-u-uh!

They're left-hand drive lorries,
so you'd be grabbing photographs
of your family -

or rosary beads,
if you were driving up from Mexico.
Mike, d'you want to serve this guy?

It's OK, he's a friend an' all.
All right. The name's Tex. Text?

No, Tex, like, short for Terry
and, you know, Texas and that.

He likes American stuff. Oh. Yeah.

Alan likes James Bond. Oh, you're
a Bond guy. My man's gotta be Wayne.

What? Wayne Sleep? Just the jacket
and the boots, you know.

No, you know, Wayne..."Get off
your horse and drink your milk."

Yeah, yeah, Wayne Sleep.

Mike, I'll just grab a Dr Pepper
from the cooler. Stick it on me tab.

I'll get a Ginsters from the FRIDGE.
Put it on the slate.

I can't wait to get back to the
States. I used to go to the States.

Where did you get to? Florida.

A fortnight in Florida.

Yeah, good days.

Florida, eh? Walt Disney. Aye.
Now, there's a guy who lived the
American dream. Built a huge empire.

I thought
he just drew pictures of mice.

I prefer David Attenborough. He's
more honest. He interviews real
mice.

Anyway, I'm gonna hit the road.
Check you later. Check you later.

BOTH: Uh! U-u-u-u-u-uh!

Nice to meet you, Colin. Colin(?)

Walt Disney.
You know, animals never wore
clothes.

Hang on...
LOUD HORN

There he goes. Is that his pick-up
truck? Aye. He calls it Convoy.

Convoy? Aye. Michael, you're
hanging around with a man who uses a
collective term for a single
vehicle.

Oh, he just likes American things.

Like Dr Pepper? Aye.
It tastes like fizzy Benylin.

How long's like-a-rhinestone-cowboy
been coming in here? Well, about
18 month. No, 2 year. Aye, 2 year.

Do you chat to any other men?

Including you, four regulars, like.

Michael, what the hell's going on?

It's just men who want someone
to talk to. They're just lonely.

I cannot not talk to the customers.
It says on my badge,
"Michael, I'm here to help".

It just says, "Michael". Oh, it does
Why did you think it said the rest?
I don't know. I must have dreamt it.

Anyway, Bond weekend, me and
you. I don't remember inviting you.

What you've done is, you've put
2 and 2 together and you've made 5 -

or as the Americans say, "FI-IVE!"

D'you want that KitKat? No.

You'll have to pay for that.

Put it on the slate.
No, actually, I'll eat it.

All right, Al? A-a-ah! Oh, what are
you doing here? It's a bank holiday.

To do those dodgy floor joists.

What was that you were doing, then?

I...I was just walking through my
house...in the style of James Bond.

Oh, it was quite good. You'd make
a good Bond. D'you really think so?

I like Goldfinger, where the laser
beam's going up his jaffas. Yeah.

We should talk more. I've got
lots of subjects to chat about.

I used to chat to a bloke about
them, but he likes American things
now.

What do you think of American
things? They're full of themselves.
Ab-so-bloody-exactly!

Not my cup of tea. We could do a
Bond film. You could be my stuntman,
because you've got a good physique.

I don't like to get too big. It's
your pecs you've got to start with.

Got to sort out your pecs, do your
bench presses. Have a prod at that.

Yeah, very firm, very firm. Mine
are just fractionally more flaccid.

Apart from that,
I've just got a smooth chest with
a ring of hairs round each nipple,

and a thin line that sort of
builds towards the usual place.

Bye.

Sonja, let's sort this timetable
out. 9am, Doctor No, break for a
pee.

Need at least 3 minutes to urinate.
Seems to take forever these days.

I never thought when I was
in my 20s, I'd have to push.

Next?

11.05, From Russia With Love.
1.15, Goldfinger,

strawberry Nesquilk, fishcakes.

3.35, Thunderball,
dump - put question mark.

See how I feel after the fishcakes.

How long? Twenty minutes.
Better allow for complications.

6.15, You Only Live Twice,
tin of Directors.

8.20, Diamonds Are Forever. Put the
roast on when you see the moon
buggy.

You're very brilliant. This is
a clever schedule. Thank you.

Yeah, I love you, in a way.

You could be a Bond femme fatale,
with your broken English.

You're sexy, but I don't trust you.

James Bond
doesn't live in a caravan.

This could easily be
a compact Swiss chalet

about to be stormed by 15 bad
bastards in boiler suits. Hello.

Bang, bang!

Looked like you enjoyed that. Brrrr!

Was that a snub-nosed Uzi?

Yes, I think it was. You're
in a remarkably cheerful mood,

considering it's the first
anniversary of your mother's death.

Life goes on. Can we finish the
schedule? You've made allowances
for the visit to my mother's grave?

Yes. "Visit your mother's grave
then Doctor No."

The underground base of
an evil genius...and then Doctor No.

If you make him go, he'll be late
for film and work will be destroyed.

Can't you cut one
of the less important films?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! ..Whoa, whoa!

Which are the less important Bond
films, Lynn? I've got to hear this.

One of those Welsh ones. What, you
mean, the Timothy Dalton ones? Hmm.

He didn't play it as a Welshman.
He didn't say the name's Bond,
Jones the Bond, double oh se-ven...

...licensed to kill-ch.

Lynn, are you wearing perfume?
Yes. For a corpse?

I'm having lunch at TGI Fridays
with Gordon.

The retired policeman
who's not a con man? Yes.

Have Death By Chocolate while
he rifles your building society
book.

Driving gloves, phone, wallet, keys.
Sonja, did you get the piccalilli?

Yes. Chunky? Yes. Excellent.
Let's go to the graveyard.

Graveyards are so depressing.

They remind me of...death.

There's a grave over there
that I saw. It's of a man who died
in 1872, and he was only three.

Snazzy headstone, there.
That's one of those 80s ones.
Black granite. It's a waste, really.

If you slice that three-wise, you'd
have the lion's share of the work
surface for a Poggenpohl kitchen.

A lot go missing. I wouldn't
be surprised if they ended up
as work surfaces in luxury kitchens.

They'd have to turn them upside
down, so that it didn't reveal
the details of the dead

in recessed lettering,
which would also collect crumbs.

Lynn, the anniversary of a dead mum
is always a tough one.

But...I am up against it with
this Bondathon, so if you could
limit your mourning to 10 minutes!

I'm trying to lighten the mood
with a Nazi voice.

You don't need to lighten the mood.
I am not down.

You've got 10 minutes.

Go give it to her.

RADIO: RETURN OF THE SAINT THEME

BEEP!
10 minutes, Lynn.

That's the first year over.

She's probably in heaven complaining
about... What did she call them?
..brown people.

I'll give her this, she stuck to her
guns with all that right to the end,

even on the last day.
The way she looked at that nurse.

God rest her racist soul.
She'll be horrified.

I mean, Jesus was from
the Middle East. Was he?

Jesus wasn't brown.
Let's not have that discussion now.

Can I come in? Sorry, we don't need
our drive tarmacking, thank you.

This is Gordon. Sorry, I thought
you were a tinker with tarmac. Sorry

Nice to meet you. And you. Well,
there's Lynn. Make sure she's back
by 10pm, and don't get her pregnant.

I believe you're keen on the Bible.

I live by it. I was reading
the Book of Genesis the other day.
I've gotta say, that bloody snake!

D'you suppose...um...you'll be
prone to temptation, like Adam?

I'd be more preoccupied
encountering a talking snake.

I think whether I wanted an apple or
not would be a side issue for me.

I mean, even if it just rolled an
apple towards me and sort of went...

..I'd still be troubled.

After that, I think I'd just put
some trunks on and sit on the grass.

Well, we'll be off, then.

Great.

Glad we're on our own. I've been
wanting a word with you about Lynn.

I don't like how you treat her. Oh.
If you don't start treating her
better, I'll knock your block off.

Do I make myself clear? Yeah, yeah.
Do I make myself clear?!

Yeah. Yes. Well, keep the thought...
Aarrgh! Sorry.

I thought you were gonna attack me.
I know when I'm being lied to.
I've spent my life being lied to.

With respect, as an
ex-police officer, if you hang round
with criminals, you'll get lied to.

Think on.

I'm thinking on, I'm thinking on.

Let Die, Golden, Raker,
Eyes Only, Pussy, Daylights...

..Nutty Professor II - The Klumps.
What's this doing here?

I got it for 90p in a brilliant
charity shop called Scope. SCOPE!

Why do they change the name and ruin
it? Consignia and Scope. It's the
Post Office and the Spastic Society.

Oh, butter my arse!

I've... I've just realised, we
haven't got The Spy Who Loved Me.

I lent it to that bloke I used to
chat to at the station. Michael?

Was that his name? I'll have to go
and get it off him. Hello!

Ooh!

I reckon I could do that Bond stuff.

Yeah, unfortunately, I don't think
society's ready for View T'Kill.

E-e-e, Octypussy.

Doctor Nowt.

Lovely stuff. I just cracked open
a bottle of Sunny Delight.

They're quite big and I can't
manage a whole one. Fancy a shot?

No, I've got to
go to the timber yard.

I'll take you. Just take
a couple of straws - no problem.

We'll stop off at the petrol
station.

How is your mate? You've got to ask
questions about a man who sits in a
station all day talking to other men

Look round, John, see if there's
anything you fancy. I'll treat you.

Cheers.
Has the Duke of Hazard been in?

He's not. I'd like you to return
my Spy Who Loved Me video and any
other property that you have of mine

I haven't got it here. It's at home.
In America? No. Lithow Street.

This is my friend John. John, don't
be shy. Show him your tool belt.

Smart.

It's interesting, Michael, this
obsession you have with American
things, and yet you work for BP.

I mean, HELLO!

Hello. No, it's a thing people say.
So d'you want any petrol?

No, I'll be getting it from across
the road from now on. Your petrol's
a bit obvious, a bit petrolly.

John, let's saddle our horses
and get ourselves a curly Cumberland
sausage from the little bitty chef.

Little Chef.

Hey, I taped that documentary
for you - The World's Worst Storms.
There's footage of a tsunami.

It crashes down on this village
and wipes them all out. What?
Programmes about storms? Get a life!

Come on, John, let's go to
Sprouston.

(We'll go to the timber yard. We'll
go.) (It shuts in ten minutes!)

Oh, hello, Lynn, what are you
doing here? A wonderful woman
like you should be at home relaxing.

You asked me to get you
a black marker pen. Oh, thanks.

In fact, I'll give you a raise.
Eight... Eight-and-a-half-thousand?

Nine... Nine... Nine-and-a-half...?

Te... Te-e-e-e-e... Te-e-e-e-e....?

# Tell you what, tell you what, it's
nine-and-a-half-thousand pounds. #
Let's all sing it.

BOTH: # Tell you what, it's
nine-and-a-half-thousand pounds. #

Oh, thank you, Alan.

Mrs Robinson,
are you trying to seduce me?

Sonja, get some juice while
the men set the world to rights.

Still watching you, Alan. Yeah,
I know. And I'm thinking about it
in my block that you may knock off.

Cement's dried now, so I'll be off.

Will you stay and watch a Bond film,
please? Can't. I've too much to do.

Listen, I have been threatened
by an ex-fuzz.

If you hang around, I will pay you.
How much is a monkey?

Five hundred.

How much is a mouse?

There's no such amount. Pony's 150.
Right, I'll give you two hundred -
that's a pony and a bag of hooves.

Done. Great.

I got Sunny Delight for you.
Don't kiss me again!

A-a-ah!

Alan, I've spilt Sunny Delight
all over your James Bond videos.

Lynn, you...

shouldn't worry about it.

Are they repairable?
I'll just check them.

Yeah, they're ruined.

Excuse me.

I'll...um...just be a minute.

Mrs Moneypenny's an egit!

She's an egit!

Ernest Stavros Blofeld! ..You sod.

Hello, Michael. What are you doing?

Just destroying my cereals.

Careful. Folk might say
you're a cereal killer.

Here's the tape -
The Spy Who Loved Me.

Can we make friends?

I know, I know that I said all that
stuff... Aye. Aye, no... I should...

Let's go and watch
The Spy Who Loved Me.

Oh, it's a bit difficult, because...
TRUCK HORN

We were just gonna blow the horn.

Michael, you could've blown the horn
in my Lexus.

You could've sat in the passenger
seat and reached across.

It's on the steering wheel boss
behind the airbag.

Aye, it's precision engineering.

It's like what you say, "It's
the Japanese Mercedes." God, I've
missed you. I've missed you an' all.

I really have, I just... I feel...

Hi, Tex. We're having a hoedown.

I'm...I'm down,
but...but...I'm not a hoe.

There's Frosties on your step.

I know. I've just been destroying my
cereals. "Got a problem with that?"

You're welcome to come and watch
The Spy Who Loved Me with us.

Thanks, but me and Mike
are off to the Truckfest.

He's staying with me.

We could see it at Skegness. Timmy
Mallet's there. It won't be as good,
but... All right. Fantastic.

Thanks. Superb. OK,
let's watch The Spy Who Loved Me!

It's a Chevy pick-up.
It's got flames on the side.
I did that. You paint yourself?

Stop talking about American things

and let's watch the best film
ever made.

'Welcome to America's Strongest Man,

'where the mightiest titan...'

Have you taped over The Spy Who
Loved Me with America's Strongest
Man? It was Terry. It's his fault.

I'm sorry. I really wanted to see
America's Strongest Man.

You've got Norfolk's maddest man!

I wanted to watch Roger Moore
necking with Fiona Fullerton,

but instead, I have to watch a giant
Michael Bolton look-alike, in a
vest, throwing an oven over bales of
hay.

The Spy Who Loved Me is brilliant.
It begin in forest in Germany...

It's Austria! Austria!

What's the one where the laser beam
goes up his jack...? Goldfinger!

What's the one with the volcano,
and a big rocket comes out

and there's Chinkies jumping down?
Isn't that Thunderball?

No! Stop getting Bond wrong! I'll
tell you about The Spy Who Loved Me.
All do that with your fingers

I am Roger Moore...
Bang! Blood dribbles down.

We're on a submarine. Two sailors
play chess and cups start wobbling.

A man who used to be in The Onedin
Line goes, "What's going on?!"

And then he pulls down the periscope
and goes, "The submarine's
being eaten by a giant tanker."

And then we cut to Moscow.
There's a Russian man -

he's got eyebrows, and he's on the
phone going, "A whole submarine?

"I'll have to tell other Russians.
See you!"

And then it cuts to James - Roger
Moore. And, yes, he's with a lady.
Yeah, yeah, he's necking with her.

And then he goes, "I've got
to go, love, something's come up."

Aye, he means his cock!

Anyway, he puts on his underpants
and his ski suit and starts skiing.

He's chased by Russian shits in
black jump suits with lemon piping,
and they start shooting at him,

and he goes, "Enough! Just stop it!"

and does a backwards somersault and
lands on his feet - I'm not sure
why, but he's not showing off.

Then he goes over a cliff,
and you think, "James Bond's
going to die! He's going to die!"

But at the last minute... He pulls
the ripcord and a 'chute comes out,

and it's got a Union Jack on it...
Michael! That's how it ends.
That's not the end of the beginning.

The end goes like this...
# Glang, glang-a-lang-a-lang
a-lang-a-lang-a-lang

# Glang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang
Nobody does it better... #
And I'm a naked woman in silhouette

with a gun, spinning round.
# ..Makes me feel sad for the rest

# Nobody does it... # Bit of nipple.

# Quite as good as you
Baby, you're the best... #

And now, really big bounce
right over and I land on my feet.

# ..I wasn't looking

# And somehow you found me... #
Oh, bit of bush.

# ..I tried to hide from
your love life... #

And a woman swings on a giant Luger.
# ..Like heaven above me... #

Another woman walks along a gun -
completely Billy bollocks.

# ..The spy who loved me is keeping
all my secrets safe tonight... #

One more big swing, legs go right up
her... Oh, what was that? Too late!

# Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best. #

Brilliant. That's it. Cut.

Yeah,
so do you want to hear some more?

'Welcome to
America's Strongest Man...'

Look.

Lift it!

Fingers like Schwarzenegger's arms.

'America's Strongest Man will...'

Yeah.