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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,200
That was Japan, the effeminate
futurists from the '80s,
2
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:11,240
with Life Can Be Cruel In Tokyo -
certainly congested. I'd love to go.
3
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:16,000
It's 7 o'clock. Ooh, guvnor,
he's got me bang to rights...
4
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:21,760
Chief Constable Dave Clifton
of Scotland Yard's pop force.
5
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:25,080
Good morning, Alan... Let me finish!
6
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:29,680
..'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! Yeah. You're
splitting hairs a little bit...
7
00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:32,200
Sorry - SPLIDDING? Yeah, splitting.
8
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:36,600
It's hard to understand.
In real life you say SPLITTING.
9
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:41,320
Interesting how you substitute a
D for a T when you're broadcasting.
10
00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:46,240
It's the behaviour of a dosser.
A dosser? Yes. A dosser and a dwad.
11
00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,320
Alan Partridge... There are others.
12
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:56,240
There's didhead
and there's dalandless shid, and
I hear you're back on the boddle.
13
00:00:56,240 --> 00:01:00,680
This is Einstein A Go-Go.
Gid. That's "git".
14
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,000
It's moored in Miami.
15
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:15,880
Ooh - home, sweet home.
16
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:19,760
These corridors!
They are, aren't they?
17
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:28,320
Just let myself in.
Needed the toilet. Close the door.
18
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,120
So, um...
19
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,440
Everything OK?
A bit of tummy trouble.
20
00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:38,080
I mean generally! Not specifically
the toilet. Yes, fine. Good.
21
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,920
So, what have you been doing?
22
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:48,000
I've been getting your clothes
ready for the Country Show and
doing a bit of tidying. Tidying?
23
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,520
What do you mean, tidying?
24
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:55,640
I just did the bed.
I didn't go near your drawer. Good.
25
00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:02,000
By the way, they'd like you
to judge the vegetable competition.
26
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:06,120
Very manly. It works.
All I need now is a shotgun.
27
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,800
Both barrels - bang!
You'd hit the wall!
28
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:15,800
This is good. It has the appearance
of a bullet-proof vest,
29
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:20,840
so any fanatics would be put off
altogether or go for a head shot,
30
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,360
so I won't even know it's happened.
31
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:28,480
Alan, I've told you 1,000 times.
No-one wants to kill you. Why?
32
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:33,520
I'm a soft target. The Prime
Minister's surrounded by bouncers.
33
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:38,680
Everyone knows I'll be in Swaffham
at 3pm, outside the vegetable tent.
34
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,440
Your mind's flying!
35
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:46,920
Of course it is! I've been living
in a hotel for 26 weeks!
36
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,680
182 days in a Travel Tavern!
37
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,480
See these?
38
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:56,520
Sanitary bags. They put these here
every day. They know I'm a man!
39
00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,040
I keep loose Werther's Originals
in them!
40
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,320
Look at this!
41
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:07,600
That is 182 bottles of body lotion.
42
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:11,160
I was going to sell them
at a car-boot sale.
43
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:17,600
I can't remember what it's like
to dial a phone number
without hitting 9 first!
44
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,440
Reception? Sorry, I must've hit 0.
45
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,200
I was at a friend's house
the other night.
46
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,640
I thought the phone was
out of order. I'd been hitting 9!
47
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:31,320
I felt like a ruddy idiot!
48
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,520
I just left.
I couldn't stay after that.
49
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,240
Do you want a Horlicks? Yes, please.
50
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,960
Not in that drawer.
51
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,840
KNOCK-KNOCK
Come in.
52
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:50,680
Hello, Mr Partridge. Everything
all right in the room? Marvellous.
This box arrived for you.
53
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:55,120
Super. I've been trying
to get this off Carol for months.
54
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:58,960
Is that you?
No, that's my daughter, Denise.
55
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,480
Bit of a rebel.
56
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,640
What's so funny? ..Nothing.
57
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:13,320
She just really looks like you.
Have I got a pierced navel?
I don't know. I haven't.
58
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,440
Great! Nigel Rees's book
of humorous graffiti.
59
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,920
It's the Koran
for the after-dinner speaker.
60
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,960
Quick tip if you're doing a speech.
61
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:31,160
You say, "Sorry I'm late.
I just popped to the toilet.
I saw some graffiti -
62
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:34,480
" 'I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.' "
63
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,920
Straight away,
you've got them by the jaffas.
64
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:44,520
It's witty. It's not like
a lot of the crude grafitti
you see nowadays, like...
65
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:49,320
"Touch my this", you know...
"Suck my such-and-such..."
66
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,360
"Something all over my whatever..."
67
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,040
"My penis is so-and-so..."
68
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,640
..Yeah.
69
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,520
There we go, Lynn.
70
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,840
Tony Hayers. Oh...
71
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:09,280
You've not witnessed pure evil till
you look into the eyes of a man
who's cancelled your second series.
72
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,040
He looks nice.
The devil takes many forms.
73
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,080
All right, Lynn.
74
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:19,520
She's a member of a Baptist church,
I think they're a bit...
75
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:23,000
Sorry about saying "penis".
Don't worry.
76
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:27,920
Trapped her finger in a car door
once - she swore like a docker.
77
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:31,600
I'll put this stationery
in the drawer.
78
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,640
I'd rather you didn't.
79
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:43,320
All right for body lotion?
Yeah, I've got 182 bottles.
80
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,880
Bloody hell!
81
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,920
Clydesdale horses, 12 hands high.
82
00:05:53,920 --> 00:06:00,280
Hands, of course, the ancient
system for measuring horses
since medieval times.
83
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:04,600
Tape measures in those days
were viewed with suspicion.
84
00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:10,640
Anyone who could unfurl 15 feet
of thin sheet metal
from a pocket-sized box
85
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,680
would have been killed as a witch.
86
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:18,760
Tragic to think that girls,
some as young as those ones,
87
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,760
would have been burnt at the stake.
88
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:25,120
May God have mercy on their souls.
89
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,240
Nice tray of plums there.
90
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,280
Just put "nice plums".
91
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,080
This is lovely. It's like, er...
92
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,760
like an old lady's hair.
93
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:46,560
An old lady's blonde hair. Quite
attractive. Put it as a plus point.
94
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:50,400
These are nice -
got a nice kind of glossy finish.
95
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:53,840
I knew a bloke
who had fingers like that once.
96
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,080
He's dead now.
97
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,400
Irish navvy. Of angina.
98
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,600
Wasn't pleasant.
99
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:07,120
Cabbages. Don't like cabbages
at all. Let's get through this lot.
Take your pick.
100
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:14,320
I'm not sure about these,
because I don't know whether this
protrusion is a good or bad thing.
101
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:19,160
You could use this to beat somebody
to death, then eat the evidence.
102
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:23,080
I'm sure Agatha Christie's thought
of that one.
103
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:28,080
The Onion Mystery. The Onion
Murders. Good idea for a programme.
104
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,600
Not that the BBC'd commission it.
105
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:37,240
Wouldn't know a good onion idea
if I hit them on the head with it
and ate the evidence.
106
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,760
Fire! Fire! The fair's on fire!
107
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,960
Um...
108
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:54,760
Joking! It's not, but that's the
kind of thing you can see from...
109
00:07:54,760 --> 00:08:00,800
what's it...
the local fire brigade -
don't know the district - in Tent 4.
110
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:05,760
My tip is - never throw water on a
fat fire. It'll take your face off.
111
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:12,400
Stocks are now open
for custard pie throwing.
112
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:16,920
Tell you who I'd like
to put in the stocks - Tony Hayers.
113
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:20,960
He is the chief commissioning
editor of BBC Television.
114
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:25,040
It wouldn't be custard pies
I'd be throwing, either.
115
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:29,720
I'd like to throw cabbages,
hot Bovril and gravel.
116
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:37,080
I don't know if you're familiar
with BBC commissioning policy.
They're obliged to...
117
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:43,960
contract out a certain percentage
of their programmes
to independent programme makers
118
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,400
and...wh...are...
119
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:50,400
You're not even listening,
are you?
120
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,400
You people.
121
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,960
Er...I'm going.
122
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:59,440
It's all up in an hour anyway
so you won't miss me. Goodbye.
123
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:03,280
MICROPHONE SCREECHES
124
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:09,760
Hello, Lynn. Oh, sorry.
I was just doing the catalogues.
125
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,760
Looking at the Big Girdle section?
126
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:20,400
Interesting that these women
are technically models. Mmm.
127
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:27,680
Where do they get these men from?
Who smiles at the Black and Decker
Workmate, for goodness sake?
128
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:34,480
How did the Country Show go, Alan?
Um...I walked off.
Who's upset you this time?
129
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,160
Pshh...just people.
130
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:41,720
PHONE RINGS
I just hate...the general public.
131
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,560
Alan - phone call. Who is it?
132
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,280
It's Sue Cook. What does she want?
133
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,960
Hello. Sue? It's Alan.
134
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:56,800
..Take the fag out of your mouth.
I can't tell what you're saying.
135
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:01,240
..What? Really? Oh, my God!
136
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,120
Tony Hayers is dead! Yes!
137
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:10,560
He fell off the roof of his house
trying to remove the aerial.
138
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:18,480
So who's replaced him as head
of programmes? Chris Feather?
That's an interesting choice.
139
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:22,320
Right.
I mean...he's definitely dead?
140
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,640
Right.
Presumably there's a funeral?
141
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,280
They're cremating him. Good. Good.
142
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:33,440
Right. And...will Chris Feather
be at the funeral?
143
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,720
Right, right.
144
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,040
Hold on, Sue.
..Chris Feather likes me!
145
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:45,680
He likes me! He used to flirt
with Lynn all the time!
Mind you, that was 20 years ago.
146
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:53,640
Yeah, we... Right. I think I'll
be going. It's the least I can do.
..Right. You can puff away now.
147
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,600
Kiss my face!
148
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,440
Alan!
149
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,880
Put it there, Lynn.
150
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:09,320
Hello! Hello. You getting
the lift too? Lift, yes.
151
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:15,200
First? Yes.
152
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,440
HE CHUCKLES
153
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,160
Ping!
154
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:33,000
Pardon? I'm just doing the noise
the door makes.
155
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,480
PING!
Oh - excellent!
156
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:41,320
ALAN MAKES NOISE OF CAR PASSING
It's like cars, this. That's right.
157
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:48,880
Chris. Chris Feather!
Alan! How are you?
158
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:53,600
Very well. Very well.
..I mean, considering. Oh, yes.
159
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,080
Brilliant man. Yes.
160
00:11:56,080 --> 00:12:02,560
He had a second-class degree
in media studies from Loughborough
University. What a waste.
161
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:08,400
They've asked me to take over the
commissioning. I'd heard
something...
162
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,680
Can I...? Just two minutes...
163
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,880
Jane... Thank you for coming.
164
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:31,720
Can I offer you
my deep, deep...despair
165
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,840
on this very bad day?
166
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,520
Thank you.
I mean, how are you coping?
167
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:44,040
Oh, well, terrible, really. We'd
booked to go on holiday next week.
168
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,920
Bugger!
169
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,840
He'd have been 41 next month.
170
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,120
And people say life begins at 40!
171
00:12:54,680 --> 00:13:00,600
They're notable by their absence!
The nerve! Were you close?
172
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:07,120
He was my husband.
Yes, yes, of course.
173
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:12,280
What was he doing on the roof?
Getting the aerial. We're moving.
174
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:16,280
I know. I was being rhetorical.
175
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:20,600
Did he bring the aerial
down with him? Yes, he did.
176
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:27,440
Comforting that the last thing he
did was an act of kindness. Thanks
for the travel clock. You got it?
177
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,560
Littlewoods are quick. They are.
178
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:36,360
Anyway, commiserations, hang on in
there. I'm sure you'll bounce back.
179
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:42,760
If there's anything I can do,
just ask. Apart from heavy lifting.
Got a bad back.
180
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:47,120
MOBILE RINGS
Er... Shall I leave that?
181
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,440
Yes. I better answer it.
182
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:54,720
..Hello, Partridge. Can you go
outside? ..All right, all right.
183
00:13:54,720 --> 00:14:00,400
..Curry's? Great. No, I was just
talking to a widow. Yeah.
184
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:06,640
I want two speakers for an Alba
stereo system... Hello...? Battery!
185
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:15,320
Alan, have you met Peter? He's just
revamped News & Current Affairs.
186
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,000
Chris... Just two minutes.
187
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,040
Bad day. Yeah.
188
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,800
Ironic, really. He worked
in television his whole life.
189
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,920
Died getting an aerial off a roof.
190
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:32,360
It was television that killed him.
Yep.
191
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:37,560
Very good, that. Have you got
a battery for an Ericsson? No.
192
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:42,480
I wonder if he's up there now,
looking down on us. On the roof?
193
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:47,160
Oh, I see - you mean in Heaven...
with the Apostles.
194
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:54,280
The interesting thing about News &
Current Affairs... Would it be rude
to stop listening and go away?
195
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,880
No, no... Cheers.
196
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,000
Chris?
197
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,720
Alan. Have you met Jane?
Yeah, I've done her.
198
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,760
Oh, good.
199
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:13,040
Can I... Just two minutes.
He keeps saying that.
200
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:18,520
Just trying to...just trying
to think of something to say.
201
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:23,360
There's nothing to say. Well...
There's nothing to say. Hang on!
202
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,200
It's all...
203
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,240
..a pain in the arse, isn't it?
204
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:40,200
Have you got a battery
for an Ericsson? No. Of course not.
205
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,600
Is something the matter? Um...
206
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,960
I want to go and talk to him.
207
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,880
Well, go and talk to him. Thank you.
208
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:56,880
Chris...Chris, can we have a chat?
Yes, of course, of course.
209
00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:00,320
Dreadful business.
Awful, awful business.
210
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,800
Oh, sorry.
211
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,800
Can you see me tomorrow
in the office? I'd love to.
212
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:11,320
Pick your brains. Pick away.
You've got the common touch. Thanks.
213
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:16,520
You've been away too long.
Alan, I want you back on the telly.
214
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,400
Jurassic Park!
215
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:22,600
That is fantastic! That's great!
216
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:27,040
The old team, eh? Absolutely!
I'll see you tomorrow.
217
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,840
Terrible news.
218
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,480
# Life isn't everything... #
219
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,280
# Life - it's the name of the game
220
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,880
# And I wanna play the game with you
221
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:46,000
# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba ba-ba ba bam! Bam! #
222
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,680
How was your day, Alan?
223
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,840
I went to a funeral, which was sad,
224
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:59,680
and then I popped into
Hi-Fi Serious to pick up
a Bang & Olufsen stereo system.
225
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,480
Like it? Well, it's in a box, Alan.
226
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,000
Bit like Tony Hayers!
227
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,440
Susan...
Susan, would you go out with me?
228
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,840
No. If I was younger
and more attractive?
229
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,280
Yes, I think I probably would.
230
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:18,880
I better go and build
that time-travel gymnasium, then.
231
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:24,480
I'll come back aged 25, built like
a brick shithouse. You'll kiss me.
232
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:28,480
Excuse me a moment.
I have to leave the desk unattended.
233
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:34,520
I'm gonna have to make two trips.
I keep dropping bits.
234
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:38,160
Wh...? I'll go
and get your other bits and pieces.
235
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:43,160
Bang & Olufsen? Serious, man.
Whose is it? It's, er, mine.
236
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:46,840
I didn't know you were into music.
I've heard your show.
237
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:51,640
Oh, yeah. I like all the bands.
I've got a broad taste.
238
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:56,160
From the Britpop bands like UB40,
Def Leppard...
239
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,760
right back to classic rock
like Wings.
240
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:04,640
Who's Wings? They're only the band
the Beatles could've been.
241
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:09,040
I love the Beatles. So do I.
What's your favourite Beatles album?
242
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:13,880
Tough one. I think I'd have to say
The Best Of The Beatles.
243
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:17,040
Gum? Yeah. Cheers.
244
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:21,000
So, er,
who's your favourite singer, then?
245
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:25,920
Oh, anything, really.
Frank Sinatra, Kurt Cobain...
246
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,240
Who's he?
Nirvana. Blew his head off.
247
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:33,840
Why? He was depressed.
Why? Were they not very good?
248
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,200
No, they were great.
249
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:40,600
Somebody should've told him.
Hello again. Oh, what's that?
250
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,760
Bang & Olufsen.
251
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,440
Ben, can you take this
up to my room? Sure. Cheers.
252
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,120
See you.
253
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:57,200
I'll hold the door for you.
Thank you. Hold tight. Yeah.
254
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,000
Nearly there.
255
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,400
PING!
256
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,520
Unbelievable!
257
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,440
Join in, Lynn.
258
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,720
So, Chris, what's your strategy?
259
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:31,160
God alone knows! Can I say
one word to you? Streamlining.
260
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,080
Sacking people? Basically, yeah.
261
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:40,920
Well, where do I start?
Who was that man who was boring me
at the funeral? Peter Linehan?
262
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:48,320
He's revamped News & Current
Affairs. He's done that, so give him
a Spitfire painting and let him go.
263
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,280
OK.
264
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:54,360
And Susan Picardy - you know her?
Oh, yeah.
265
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:59,120
Documentaries.
Feminist with the flat chest.
266
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:04,920
She doesn't have that problem, does
she? No. ..Don't crush them, Lynn.
267
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,240
Did you get married?
268
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,520
Er, no. I got divorced, you know.
269
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:16,440
I'm sure Lynn'll be happy to go
for a drink with you. Yes, yes...
270
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:20,880
Want to make a note? "Go for drink
with head of programmes."
271
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,880
Great. Let's get down to business.
272
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,880
Can we talk about ME?
273
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:33,680
All right. What can I do for you?
Right... Bottom line, Chris...
274
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:38,480
I want a six-month contract at the
BBC to make television programmes.
275
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:44,320
I won't give you a six-month
contract. You're like all the rest!
276
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:50,680
You sit there on your fat spotty
behind in a dead man's chair,
leching at her...
277
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:57,480
Alan, I'm not giving you
a six-month contract, because
I have prepared a five-year one.
278
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,560
Really?
279
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,760
That's brilliant!
280
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,440
£200,000 a year.
281
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,960
That's a million pounds!
282
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,000
Jurassic Park!
283
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:20,640
Sorry for saying you're fat. You're
just big-boned. That's all right.
284
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,560
Let's get a bottle of Bolly!
285
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:29,320
Sod that! Let's get champagne!
On me! ..Go and get it, Lynn!
286
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,560
Right, then...
287
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,680
COUGHING
288
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,800
You want to check the small print?
289
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:45,480
You must've seen
a dozen contracts like that.
290
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,840
Oh, no!
291
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,640
Or, "O-oh, no!"
292
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,960
Chris?
293
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,720
CHRIS? Oh, God!
294
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:03,960
Er...
295
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,480
Er...
296
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,240
Hello, Chris, are you dead?
297
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:15,640
Oh, God!
298
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:35,080
You've not finished signing it
there.
299
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,600
"Chris," like that.
300
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:44,840
Tedious, all this contract business.
Oh, you've got the date wrong.
301
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,840
Just initial that... My copy.
302
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,320
Super.
303
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:55,240
Here's to the future. Sorry!
304
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:03,240
Think that's OK?
Not too sentimental? No.
305
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:08,960
Want to put something on? Yes. I'll
just go and check the party bags.
306
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,640
Right...
307
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,560
MUSIC PLAYS
308
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:20,600
What's this, Lynn?
It's the theme tune
from Black Beauty. It's brilliant!
309
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,200
KNOCK-KNOCK
310
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,600
Hello. Oh, Michael. Come in.
Aye-aye.
311
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:29,560
Michael,
do you want me to take that?
312
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:36,040
I'll stick with this.
Fine, but it does preclude you
from the alcohol I've provided.
313
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,320
I'm all right with the Scrumpy.
Right.
314
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:43,920
Nice shirt.
Aye, I got married in this. Like it?
315
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:48,720
I didn't know you were married.
Aye, to a Filipino. Didn't work out.
316
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:53,800
Didn't fit in with the culture in
Newcastle. So she's gone back home?
317
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:58,160
No, she moved to Sunderland.
She's shacked up with me brother.
318
00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,520
Oh. Right.
319
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:03,080
Michael,
would you like a Scotch egg?
320
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,640
No, I've got a steak-and-kidney pie.
321
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,320
Oh, I've sat on the bastard!
322
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:13,480
Can you keep an eye on him? Yes.
KNOCK-KNOCK
323
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,920
Thank God for that! Aye-aye!
324
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,720
Hello!
325
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,200
Come in! Thank you very much.
326
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:31,480
Glass of wine? Thank you. Cheers.
327
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:39,360
Why's he here? You said,
"Invite a guest." That's just
a phrase. I didn't mean it.
328
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,960
So, er, who are you?
329
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:46,120
Mike Sampson.
Oh, I'm Michael an' all.
330
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:49,200
So, er, have you got a job?
331
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,080
Oh, yes. I supply fitted kitchens.
332
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:57,600
I've been in the business 15 years
but I can't actually cook.
333
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,280
Cookery book - not much use to me!
334
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:08,800
Mr Partridge - he sells kitchens
but he canna cook.
335
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,840
I heard him.
336
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,600
Says the cook book's nae good to
him.
337
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:16,400
I know. I heard him.
338
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:19,400
Lighten up, you stuffy get!
339
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,120
Lynn, this is terrible.
340
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,960
KNOCK-KNOCK
Good. Great!
341
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:29,920
The cavalry! Look at the sign there.
"Thank you, staff, and goodbye."
342
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:33,440
Thank you.
Marvellous. It's all happening now.
343
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:39,440
This is Michael. He sells kitchens.
Hello. I was saying, I sell
kitchens,
344
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,840
but I can't actually cook myself.
345
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:49,080
Then he spies that cookbook and
says it's no use to him! Crackers!
346
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:52,560
So, Mike, where d'you live?
347
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,240
I come from Acton, West London.
348
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:58,240
Is it nice?
Yes, yes...
349
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,000
A few too many blacks.
350
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:08,600
I hope you don't mind. It's just
some people find that a bit racist.
351
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,640
Your party bag. Thank you. Bye-bye.
352
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,560
Watch the fire hose.
353
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:30,480
IRISH ACCENT:
# Oh, rattle and roll and Willie
and he, he's off to the BBC!
354
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:37,440
# Oh, Willie goes there and Willie
goes there and Willie goes there,
right there! #
355
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,200
Extraordinary!
356
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:45,960
So, er, what do people think
about the pedestrianisation
of Norwich city centre?
357
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:50,160
Hey, aye, I reckon
it's a really good idea, like.
358
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:55,920
You're wrong. What about mothers
with pushchairs and little bairns?
359
00:26:55,920 --> 00:27:00,120
You've got a lot to learn.
YOU've got a lot to learn, mate!
360
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:04,160
Michael, Michael! Mr Partridge
is still a guest in this hotel!
361
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:09,880
You've maybe had too much to
drink...
362
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,320
Maybe you should leave.
363
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:16,680
If that's how you feel!
You two can stop giggling.
364
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:21,480
What's her problem?
365
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:24,200
HEARING YOUR CRAP FOR SIX MONTHS!
366
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:30,120
You've been in this hotel
for 182 days, YOU LITTLE SHIT!
367
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,080
..Ben and Sophie, go to Reception.
368
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:38,400
And you -
checkout is 12 noon TOMORROW!
369
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:42,840
You want one of these?
A SANITARY BAG?
370
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:45,800
What are you trying to say?
371
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,400
Think that went quite well.
372
00:27:56,120 --> 00:28:04,040
Let's clear up. I fancy an early
night. Shall I put Black Beauty on?
Yes. Listen to it and clear up.
373
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,680
Great.
374
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,240
MUSIC PLAYS
375
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,520
Down the sink? Yes. Down the sink.
376
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:46,960
Ah!
31220
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