All language subtitles for Im.Alan.Partridge.S01E03.Watership.Alan.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor

We bring the cows in... You're
listening to This Morning's Farmer.

Go on. You were talking
about cow bringing-in.

We bring them in for milking...

Pop the straitjackets on them(?)
What?

Thanks to Robert Moon. Did you
have your breakfast this morning?

Well, I... Can you just answer yes
for the purposes of a joke? ..Yes.

Then you must be a full Moon.

Hello? I'm still 'ere.

Yeah, I was making a pun
on your name. Oh, right.

Thanks for being
This Morning's Farmer!

MUSIC: Old MacDonald Had A Farm.

Moo!

Don't know what Robert had
for breakfast. Presumably
an infected spinal column in a bap.

Just a quick joke there about
how infected cattle feed can attack
the central nervous system.

It's just come up to 5.35am.

Kommen Sie, bitte,
und listen to Kraftwerk.

Put that in the bin.

Time for Cock-a-doodle Who.
'Cock-a-doodle...! Who?!'

I asked, "WHO invented the skip?"

Jack on line two.
Morning, Alan. Morning.

Your comment about farmers
was ignorant and offensive.

Who invented the skip? I don't care.

TALKS OVER CALLER:
Who invented the skip?
Who invented the skip?

I don't bloody know! Bobby Moore(!)
(Wrong.)

Are you going to apologise
to farmers, are you?

You must know some of the rubbish
you make. I mean, tongue. Imagine
a tongue in a sesame seed cob(!)

You made these comments without any
knowledge of the pressures we face.

I wouldn't eat one of your tomatoes
if it came up and said, "Eat me."

You ignorant shit!
COCK CROW

Caroline? Hello, Alan. Hello.
Is your head full of shit?

MOO!

Mike, are you there, sir?

You ignorant cu...!
FANFARE

# Take a pinch of white man

# Wrap him up in black skin... #
What's the next bit?

GEORDIE:
Add a dash of blue blood and
a little bitty bit Red Indian boy.

# And something else in Geordie. #

This hasn't been cleaned for years.
There's a Jap still fighting in
here.

You daft racist.

# Curly, black and kinky

# Mixed with yellow Chinky... #
Can you still say that?

Yeah, cos it's a race of people
AND a food.

Chinese. You're right.
PHONE RINGS

Partridge. ..Yes, I'll hold.

I'm up for a Hamilton's Water Break
video. Ooh. On the Norfolk Broads.

Heard about it from Bill Oddie...
..Hello?

Yes. ..No, the last corporate job
I did was for a company
that makes toner for photocopiers.

No, I was dressed
as an exclamation mark.

..I walked out. It was demeaning.
Had to flag a cab dressed up,

which helped, actually.

I'd be delighted to do the job.

You can't book me and ask me to
pull out if Cliff Thorburn turns up.

You can book me now
or wait for Cliff Thorburn,

but if he goes AWOL, you're up
Slack Alley. Who's it to be?

Thank you very much.

Kiss my face!

I am going to present a video for
Hamilton's Water Breaks. Champion.

Why-aye.
That sounds Geordie, doesn't it?

Ever been to the Far East, Michael?
Only Manila, Hong Kong and Bangkok.

Bangkok? Aye.
Erm, what did you see in Bangkok?

The Golden Temple. Beautiful.
Yeah. What else?

Er, the river market. All the little
boats come... Michael, Michael...

Come on.
Tell me about the lady-boys.

You mean transsexuals?
They're disgusting. I kept away
from them. Oh, God, yeah.

Fascinating creatures, though.
Looks like a lady,
but really it's a man.

I don't find them attractive,
just confusing.

I don't suppose you've got
any army stories about them?

Ah, I did hear about this corporal
in the Third Battalion.

He gangs oot in Bangkok and all the
prostitutes are saying, "How much?"

Then this beautiful lass comes up,
she's gorgeous, and she's
half the price of the others.

He gets hold of the old
meat and two veg and thinks,
"I've gotta have summat,"

so he flips him over and he fu...

And fu...funnily enough, it starts
first time and they just drive away.

Strangest story I've ever heard.

Oh, hello, Lynn.

..Oh, I see! Right, yes.

Michael was telling me
about a friend of his
who slept with...a Landrover.

Lonely nights in the desert.
That's all fixed now. Right, OK.

That wasn't the real ending,
was it? No. Just cos Lynn's here.

Just a few things, Alan.
Norwich Radio called. There's been
more complaints from farmers.

How many? 50.

Oh, your age.
Well, Hamilton's have...

Alan, you've come free at the side.

Oh, sorry!

That was a genuine mistake.

Anyway, I got the Hamilton's job.
Yes, they're coming over
this afternoon. Great.

You have to have your wife with you.

Did you tell them she's living
with a narcissistic sports-pimp?

You've...you've popped out again.
Oh, God!

That wasn't deliberate.
It's not a cry for help.

It's just that I've had
these shorts since 1982.

They did have an underpant lining,
but, er, it's perished.

Yeah, they've taken a bit
of a pounding over the years.

Can you get me some new ones? Right.

I'll have to ask Carol
if she'll do the video.

Lynn, you speak to her, please.

Hello. ..Erm...

Yes, he is. ..It's a man.
That's her boyfriend. ..Hello?

It's Alan, your lover's husband.

Yeah. ..The immersion heater?!

It's under the stairs.
You only need to press that
if you're having a deep bath.

Put it on an hour before, Bob's
your uncle, you've got a deep bath.

If you would, please.

He's getting Carol. Speak to her.

..Hello, Carol. How are you?

Would you like to be
in Alan's corporate video?

Right. ..She says no and wants to
speak to you. Tell her I'm not here.

He's not here. ..She can hear you.

Call her a fat cow then hang up.
Fat cow!

Well done, Lynn.

Now, I'm going to warn you,

I have popped out again.

But, erm, it's...it's in no way
connected with our proximity.

Just don't turn round.

The boys are back in the barracks!

# Take a pinch of white man... #

# What we need
is a great big melting pot

# Big enough to take the world
and all it's got

# Keep it turning... #
I could pretend to be your wife.

LIFT CHIMES

Morning. Hello, Alan.

Lynn's a good worker,
but she's a bit like Burt Reynolds.

Very reliable,
but she's got a moustache.

A bit like lady-boys. Look like
women, but really it's a man.

I don't find them attractive,
it's just confusing.

Sophie, you're not a man, are you?

No. Would you settle
this month's bill?

"£8 - miscellaneous services."
That sounds disconcertingly vague.
You used THIS pay channel.

Ah, right. It's, er, very confusing.

Sophie, I find the pay channels
very confusing.

Can I explain? I was trying to
access Driving Miss Daisy. Right.

That's why you only watched 15
minutes. Yes, it was the wrong film.

Have you seen it?

Driving Miss Daisy
or Bangkok Chick Boys? Driving
Miss Daisy! Is it a good film?

I don't know. Was Bangkok Chick Boys
good? I don't know. I didn't see it.

I couldn't see it
because I was in the bathroom.

Ben, Mr Partridge was just saying
that he couldn't see Bangkok
Chick Boys from his bathroom.

You can if you angle the mirror by
the door. I only saw five minutes!

The remote control's confusing.

Oh, when it said, "Do you want
to watch Bangkok Chick Boys?"

you must have pressed
the button that says yes.

As I say, it's very confusing.

Do you want me to show you
how to press the no button? Yes.
Show me the button that says no.

I'll show you that mirror thing. No!

Do you want me to pay this bill?

No. I mean, yes. You're right.
It is confusing, isn't it(?) Yes.

Hello, Mr Partridge. Drink?

No. Have you got any tonic?

Aye. With, er, with some ice

and, er, a segment of lemon.

Yeah. And could you top it up
with some Gordon's gin.

Gin and tonic?
Yeah, that's right. Fine.

Oh, hello. The video gentlemen
are on their way.

I've done my homework. Would you
like a drink? Oh, thanks. A Baileys.

One small Baileys, please.

I thought about a substitute wife

and I'd love you
to go to the casting agency
and get me a 40-year-old scorcher.

And do use that word.

Alan Partridge?
Yes. I'm Steve Bennett, director of
the video. We spoke on the phone.

This is Hugh Morris, marketing
director. He'll keep an eye on us.

Make sure I don't sink the boat
like a twit.

MACHINE VOICE:
No, I'll be down the pub! What?!

I'll be getting the beers in!

Why are you speaking like that?
It's a voice box.

Great fun. From a toy shop?
I haven't got any vocal cords.

You sound like the girl
in The Exorcist.

I LOVE the script. It's superb.

"Boating appeals to both
friends and family alike."

Lovely phrase. Very moving.
Alan, it's a boat video. We're not
making a James Bond movie here.

You sound like a baddie in
a Bond film. Dr No...Vocal Cords!

No, Alan, we want to keep it simple
and that's why we hired you.

You're a local. That means
good communication with tradesmen,
landlords, farmers... Hmm.

At the end of the day...
we'll be getting pissed!

Sounds good! ..Pop that in the bin.

Some notes I made last night
for a laugh.

I was drunk. I woke up this morning
asleep on the sink just like this.

Got up, walked downstairs, had
breakfast, didn't wash my hands,

cos I'm a bloody bloke.

There's the bar.
Choose your weapons. What?

I offered you a drink. Now you're
talking my language. I hope not.

Pint of lager. Pint of lager.
Three lagers.

A lager AND these two drinks?!

Y-Yes. These are...they're chasers.
I never had one of those. God.

Never had a lager,
G & T and Baileys chaser?

No. You big girl's bras!
Has that got a name, that drink?

Yeah, they're called, er, lady-boys.

Cos G & T and Baileys are ladies'
drinks, lager's a boy's drink.

That's why I said that.

Yeah. Cheers.

STRAINED VOICE:
Oh, lady-boys! You want one?

Yeah. Yeah! Three, no, four
lady-boys. Four lady-boys. Rightio.

How much is that?
Er, that'll be £33.

Here's to a good corporate video
and lots of being men.

MACHINE BUZZES

Alan. I'm confused!

What time is it? Six o'clock.
How long have we been drinking?

Three-quarters of an hour.
I think I'll, erm,

go to my room and lean on the sink.

I'll have a little bit of sick.

Mr Partridge, that's the kitchens!

I'm gonna...cook all the food.
STEVE: This is a hotel!

Three star!

Hello, Carol? ..It's Alan.

How are you?

Me? I'm having a fantastic time.

Yeah. I'm having the best time
since...sliced bread.

How's Mr Planet Of The Apes Man?

Is he still driving
that Renault Megane?

Yeah. Can I just read you something
from Top Gear Magazine?
I've got it here.

"With a mere 90 brake horsepower
available,

"progress is too leisurely
to be called fast.

"On a motorway, in fifth gear,
the slow pace really becomes a pain.

"Uphill runs
are power-sappingly mundane,

"while overtaking coaches
can be a long, drawn-out affair."

Not my words.
The words of Top Gear Magazine.

Hello?
KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in.

I've come to show you how to use
your telly. Oh, yes. Very confusing.

Yeah(!) So that's Sky Movies,

Sports, CNN, Adult Channel...

That's your dirty movies.
Not really my cup of tea.

I can disconnect it, scramble it.

Erm...

Probably a lot of trouble.

Not really. It's just a switch.

Erm...

What you get up to in here is your
business. I don't get up to
anything.

Shall I disconnect it? Yes. OK.

There. That's disconnected.

Good.

All right, lads?

All right, Alan?

I got really drunk last night.
I was sick everywhere.

Were you sick?
Not really, no.
No.

Look at the legs on that.
Hello.

All right?

She was certainly
first in the queue
when God was handing out...chests,

or mammary glands.

I'd love to have it off with her!

Urrrr! Sex!

For a British holiday
with a difference on a boat,

always choose
Hamilton's Water Breaks.

As the ice caps melt, East Anglia
will be under water in 30 years.

Make the most of her stunning Fens

before the floods come, causing
some concern to these farmers I met.

This is my wife and I going off
to the local marketplace

where we can buy anything from
plimsolls to posters of the famous.

This chemical toilet
is a Saniflow 33.

Now, this little babe can cope
with anything, and I mean ANYTHING.

Earlier, I put in a pound of mashed
up Dundee cake. Let's take a look.

Not a trace.

Peace of mind, I'm sure,
especially if you have
elderly relatives on board.

Ohh! Try pedestrianising this.

Can you hold that pose now, Alan?

Partridge, you wanker!

Ahhh!

ABUSE CONTINUES

We'll dub that out,
play some music over it.

How are your friends?

Fine.

'It may look poky, but a Hamilton's
boat is deceptively large.

'We found it offers the luxury
and comfort you'd associate with
a good-quality, static caravan.'

You not having any bacon?
No, I'm vegetarian.

Yes, I know. Just a joke.

This is Alice who won't shrink me
into a little bottle, she'll tell
me about Hamilton's holiday breaks.

You regularly book, don't you? Yep.
With your boyfriend? No, alone.

What, you book alone? Yep.

How old are you? 25.

What do you do on a boat alone?

Read a book, relax,
look at the scenery.

No, she sounds weird.
I don't think it's right.

I'm sorry. Thank you, love.
..That was a bit odd.

Up with the Partridge.

You're joining me, Alan Partridge,
and Peter Baxendale-Thomas
of the Norfolk Farmers Union.

Now, yesterday, I sort of trod
in a rather large farmer's pat

when I commented on intensive
farming. ..Where did I go wrong?

Your comments were
ill-founded and ignorant.

They showed no understanding
of modern farming methods

and simply highlighted the stupidity
of armchair pundits who don't think,

but with a full apology, you can dig
yourself out of a rather ugly hole.

Yeah.

Erm...sorry.

Any requests?
Anyone you want to say hello to?

Your ignorant comments simply alarm
the public and inflame the farmers.

Why don't you apologise...? MOO!

Thought that would fool you.

You could talk the hind legs
off a donkey.

Yours probably have no hind legs
because of the chemicals in their...

chips. Alan, I don't have donkeys,

and I wouldn't feed them chips.
This is the same rubbish
as that "spine in the bap".

That was a mistake. I shouldn't
have said bap. That's a start.

I should have said baguette,
because a spinal column
would fit in a baguette.

You alienate everybody
you come across,

including your wife, which is why
you live like a tramp in a lay-by.

It's a travel tavern. I don't care
what you call your sordid grief hole

A lot of my colleagues...
Yeah, farmyard animals.

These are my friends... I've got
more friends than you've got cows.

This is ridiculous.
How many have you got? 100.

I've got 104 friends.

Why don't you just issue a frank and
full retraction of what you said?

You'd get out of a lot of bother.

Posh sod with plums in your mouth!
It has nothing to do with class.

They've mutated and got beaks!
Beaks? Have you any more, or do you
want to stop at quacking plums?

You make pigs smoke.
Where do you get the right
to go swanning off...?

Swans!
You feed beefburgers to swans.

Do I? Yes. Tell me what's wrong
with feeding beefburgers to swans.

What? If you fill a swan's stomach
full of beef fat, it'll float better

That's why we do it. Really?
No, you complete cretin!

What else are you gonna
accuse me of?

I'll tell you what. You farmers,
you don't like outsiders, do you?

Like to stick to your own.
What do you mean by that?

I've seen the big-eared boys
on farms.

Goodness sake! If you see a field
with a pond and a family picnicking

you fill in the pond with concrete,
plough the family into the field,

blow up the tree and use the leaves
to make a dress for your wife
who's also your brother.

APPLAUSE

Anything else I can say?
I'll tell you what the point is.

You have big sheds that nobody's
allowed in, and inside these sheds

are 20-foot-high chickens
because of all the chemicals.

They don't know why they're so big.

They go, "Oh, why am I so massive?"

They look down on the others and
they think they're in an aeroplane

because the others are so small.

Do you deny that?

No. His silence, I think,
speaks volumes.

And, basically, do you agree
that everything I've said,
thus far, is completely correct?

Yes.

DEEP VOICE:
Yes.

Do you run over badgers for fun?

Yes.

Thank you, Peter Baxendale-Thomas.

This is T'Pau.

How did it go? Oh, up and down.

More bad news, I'm afraid.

The actress playing your wife
can't film today. Oh, why not?

She's in The Bill as a shoplifter.

Well, that's good.
Have to think of something.

Scene 13, take 2.

One of the benefits of global
warming and international terrorism

is that more people are holidaying
in England. I'll drink to that.

How was that?
It's not working. You can tell.

Scene 13, take 3.

One of the benefits of global
warming and international terrorism

is...
Are you all right there, love?

is that...
No, no, no. Cut it.

Action! Absolutely.

The Norfolk Broads offers the true
peace of the English countryside -

a million miles away from the urban
decay of the Manchester Ship Canal

and the pot-smoking, whore-ridden
waterways of Amsterdam.

Disused cotton mills and hardcore
pornography are a million miles
from your thoughts on the Broads.

The fact that hardcore pornography
is not on the agenda...

What's going on? It's a cow.
Oh, it's a dead cow.

Where did it come from?

Farmers! It's not funny.
I know it's not funny.

I'm trapped under a cow. He's OK.
Get the cow off the boat, please.

I'm not OK. Get the cow
off the boat. I'm not OK.

Oh, it smells.
I can feel an udder on my leg.

Can you call Cliff Thorburn now,
please?

Cliff Thorburn is not primarily
a presenter, he's an ex-snooker
player and is an unknown quantity.

But he's not under a cow.

So book a holiday with Hamilton's.
WATER way to have a good time!

Cheers!

Cut!

OK, stick him in the ambulance.

Lovely. Great. Well done.
Cheers, Alan.

Good luck with the edits.

'Hello and welcome to
The Learning Zone. Thursday night
into Friday morning on BBC2.

Hello, is that Reception?

Susan? Can you make pornography
come on my telly, please?

Oh, that's very nice of you.
Ta. Thank you.

Oh!