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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,680
Mmm! A nice big thick slice
of Thin Lizzy.
2
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:10,800
That was for my tireless PA,
Lynn - 50 -
3
00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:18,960
who is as diligent and hard-working
a creature as ever graced
this world we call...um...earth.
4
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:25,680
It's 4.39am.
Time to run yourself a big bath.
It's Chris Rea.
5
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,360
Very malty.
6
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:42,800
No Telephone Cluedo today, because
of a threat of a court injunction
from the makers of Cluedo.
7
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:46,320
It's 6.58am.
COCK CROWS
8
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:48,800
'Ah-hah!'
9
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,240
SMACKING KISS
POP!
10
00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:56,480
That kissing sound isn't someone
kissing me or kissing a cock.
11
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:59,240
It's simply... A cockerel, I mean.
12
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:03,920
It's simply a way
of saying it's Valentine's Day,
13
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:09,520
a day which Mr Al Capone ruined
for many diners by massacring them.
14
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:14,200
Died of syphilis, he did,
so there is some justice.
15
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:21,000
Time for me to hand over
to a man who will, hopefully,
not be massacring anyone today
16
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,920
or killing them...with...syphilis.
17
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:30,160
It's Monsieur David Clifton.
Bonjour, Monsieur Partridge.
18
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:37,120
Comment allez-vous, Monsieur?
Whatever. Did you get
any Valentine's cards this morning?
19
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:41,680
This morning I couldn't open my door
Lose your key?
20
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:47,520
I lost my key. I did just say that.
Anyway, chocolate oranges...
21
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:54,840
It's 7am and we've got a good show
lined up for you this morning.
Do you like chocolate? Love it.
22
00:01:54,840 --> 00:02:01,040
I've got to say this, Dave.
Chocolate oranges
are available from Rawlinson's.
23
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:07,440
OK, it's 7am. First of all,
we've got China Crisis.
24
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:15,960
Morning. All right? Sorry?
Good morning. That's the one.
25
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:21,800
Susan, is he new? Yes. He just said
good morning with his back to me.
26
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:27,440
Oh, he's OK. I've never seen that
done before. Anyway, how are you?
27
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:32,600
I'm a bit tired. I need my beauty
sleep. You don't need beauty sleep.
28
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:34,680
Well, forty winks.
29
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:43,880
Did you get the chocolate orange?
Yes, thank you. The box might be
damaged, but the chocolate's edible.
30
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:50,520
I give them to all ladies I know
aged 50 and under.
Over 50 seems sarcastic.
31
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,280
I need to watch my figure.
32
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:57,560
I'll watch it for you.
Through my binoculars!
33
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,800
I can't talk - I've got a fat back.
34
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:06,160
What's that? A build-up of fatty
deposits just above the belt line.
35
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:12,560
Well concealed in casual clothing
but you don't want to see me
in my underpants.
36
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:19,320
Sophie, did you get
your dark chocolate orange?
37
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:25,200
Yeah. I know you don't like milk.
I do like milk chocolate.
38
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,960
Oh. Well, I could exchange it.
39
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,520
Yes, please. Right...
40
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:35,440
Have you tampered
with the wrapping?
41
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:42,160
No, but there is damage to the box.
Don't worry about that.
They're all damaged.
42
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:47,520
Have you kept it below room
temperature? I don't think so. Ah.
43
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:53,520
In that case, I'm afraid
you've invalidated the warranty.
44
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:59,880
Above room temperature it congeals
into a dark chocolate cricket ball.
45
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:04,240
You could try Watchdog
but they've got bigger fish to fry.
46
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,840
Excuse me, are you Alan Partridge?
47
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:13,800
Yes. You dropped this.
Your ID card, Radio Norwich.
Right, thank you.
48
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,960
All right? Good morning.
49
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:26,080
Sophie, there's an issue I've been
meaning to raise for two weeks.
50
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:33,440
You know those little soaps
in the shower room? They only
withstand one aggressive body scrub.
51
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:41,080
They start like mini frisbees and
end up like actual-size paracetamol.
Can't you use two?
52
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,960
I suppose that might work.
53
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,160
I'll just write that down. Right.
54
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:58,720
Hello. Hello, Susan.
Have I upset her?
55
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,400
No, she's fine. Right.
56
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:09,400
Alan, did you send Sophie
a Valentine's card? No.
I'm old enough to be her father.
57
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,880
Well, her older brother.
Either way, it's incest.
58
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,520
Ben!
59
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:20,480
Did you send Sophie
a Valentine's card?
60
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:25,120
I'm not at liberty
to divulge that information.
61
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:32,000
That jokey remark doesn't mean
he actually sent you the card.
62
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,920
Did you send it? No, I admitted
I sent you a chocolate orange.
63
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:40,120
Oh, Alan, it's just a bit of fun.
64
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:43,000
A lie is a lie.
65
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,680
Your PA's here. Oh, hello, Lynn.
66
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:53,480
Shall we grab a pew? Thanks
for my dedication. You're welcome.
67
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:57,400
It was nothing to do
with Valentine's Day.
68
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:03,880
What have you got for me?
The good news or the bad news?
The good news.
69
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:10,360
Rawlinson's say you can have another
50 shop-soiled chocolate oranges.
And the bad news?
70
00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:15,400
Since you've definitely not got
a second series from the BBC,
71
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:23,720
you'll have to sack everyone at
Pear Tree Productions or you'll be
declared bankrupt on Friday. Right.
72
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,800
Good news
about the chocolate oranges.
73
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:33,520
Now, Alan,
you're going to have to trade down
your Rover 800 for a smaller car.
74
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,840
Go on.
75
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:39,720
Here are brochures
for the new Metro.
76
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,480
It's... I'm not driving a Mini
Metro.
77
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,920
But... I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
But if you do,
78
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:52,920
you can keep
Pear Tree Productions going...
Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
79
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:57,000
But... Lynn!
I'll just speak over you.
80
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:01,120
Try and finish the sentence
and see what I do.
81
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:12,000
Go on. With a... I'm not driving a
Mini Metro. I'm not driving a Mini
Metro. I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
82
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:16,040
No, it's called
a Rover Metro now.
83
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,000
They've re-badged it, you fool.
84
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:24,240
If you want a Rover 200, then sack
everyone at Pear Tree Productions.
85
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,080
Fine.
86
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,960
Including Jill. Jill...
87
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,800
Lovely Jill. She's my favourite.
88
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,280
But, fine, I'll sack her.
89
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:41,040
You smiled then. No, I didn't.
I can read you like a book.
90
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:45,960
And not a very good book! Certainly
not Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNab,
91
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:53,280
which actually improves with
every read. You don't like Jill
because she's younger than you.
92
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:58,560
She's not. She's 50. So is Helen
Mirren. So is Benjamin Netanyahu.
93
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:04,320
You're always on about Benjamin
Netanyahu. You'll never meet him.
94
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,000
Right, I'll get a spot of breakfast.
95
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:14,520
Quick tip. You know the breakfast
buffet - eat as much as you like,
but from an eight-inch plate?
96
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,720
See that? Twelve inches.
97
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,280
I keep it in my room.
98
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,720
See you later.
99
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:30,640
NEWCASTLE ACCENT:
Aye-aye, Mr Partridge. Valentine's
Day, eh? Love is in the air.
100
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:34,760
Valentine's Day
and love is in the air? Aye!
101
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:42,080
Getting the hang of this. Mind you,
I have been here ten weeks.
Full English breakfast? Yes, please.
102
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:49,440
Can I have my sausages burnt to
a crisp, so that they can only be
identified by their dental records?
103
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:54,080
Or their fingerprints, eh?
Can you fingerprint a sausage?
104
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,920
I suppose, technically you could.
105
00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:04,080
If I was a burglar and I wanted
to avoid detection, I could
strap sausages to my fingers.
106
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:08,520
Probably survive a few break-ins
before they fell apart.
107
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,640
Maybe have a beefburger
for your palm.
108
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:18,920
That's a bit too far-fetched.
I do enjoy these chats
in the morning. Aye.
109
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,400
# Eighteen till I die
110
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,800
# I'm gonna be
eighteen till I die. #
111
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,920
Morning, everyone.
112
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:37,600
Jill.
Thanks for the chocolate orange. Did
you notice anything about the box?
113
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:44,480
No. All the others had superficial
damage. I paid for yours.
Your segments are intact.
114
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,640
They were when I looked this
morning.
115
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,440
Alan, have we got a second series?
116
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,640
Yes.
117
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:07,120
Well, I'll get
some champagne, shall I? Bill...
118
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,640
sparkling wine'll be fine. Whatever.
119
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:13,960
I'll get some crisps. Jill,
a pipe of Pringles will suffice.
120
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,200
Unless there's
anything else you fancy?
121
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,160
No, just a pipe of Pringles. Fine.
122
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:45,920
Would you like me to lap dance
for you? I want a second series.
123
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,200
I like your thong.
It's vulcanised rubber,
124
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,720
which means it won't perish.
125
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,440
Wey-hey! Bite your arse!
126
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:08,920
Any more news, Alan?
No, second series in the bag.
You're all on board, and...
127
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:14,280
And who left this coffee cup here?
Sorry, Alan. I meant to clean it.
128
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:19,400
That's not good enough.
You're sacked. What?!
129
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:24,960
I will not have uncleansed coffee
cups in Pear Tree Productions.
130
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:31,800
What's up, Alan?
You're sacked, too. Why?
Because you do this all the time.
131
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:37,080
What? You did it again. You're
sacked. Now, Alison, you're a lady.
132
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:42,400
I... Are you sacking me, too? Yes.
You rotten shit. Get your coat.
133
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,160
(Go, go, go. Start the car.)
134
00:11:53,000 --> 00:12:01,280
Hello, it's Alan again. I've locked
you all in so you don't get me.
Leave by the fire escape.
135
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:07,040
Haven't got a second series.
I didn't have the guts to say that.
136
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:12,040
You're listening
to Up With The Partridge. Bye!
137
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,880
Hello, Jill. Why's the door locked?
138
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,440
To keep you out, you thief!
139
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:22,240
What? I'm being light-hearted.
Go in.
140
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:26,240
I got the Pringles. That's for you.
Oh, thanks.
141
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:30,680
Where's everybody else?
They've gone to...
142
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:33,680
Longstanton Spice Museum.
143
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,640
Why?
144
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:42,360
I said, "Congratulations,
you've got a second series.
145
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:48,720
"We can't celebrate with
the Spice Girls, so get your arses
down to the Spice Museum...
146
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:52,080
"in Longstanton." Oh.
147
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:59,040
It's not just spices.
It's all about the spice trade.
They've got a model of a slave boat.
148
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:05,600
You press a button
and hear the slaves go, "Oh!", cos
they've packed them in too tight.
149
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:10,160
Jill, I really like you but...
I like you, as well. Thanks.
150
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:14,720
You're packed in a bit tight.
Um...listen...um...
151
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:19,160
You know when you make
those risque comments...
152
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:24,160
are you just flirting in that crude
way that middle-aged divorcees do?
153
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:29,040
Or do you genuinely like me...
sex-wise?
154
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:33,440
Well, you know,
you're a man, I'm a a woman.
155
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,880
That's a relief.
Your mind plays tricks.
156
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:45,440
You're quite successful.
You've got a second series. Carry
on.
157
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:49,920
You've got needs. Yes, I have.
I've got needs. Good.
158
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:56,120
Jill, is the answer
to my original question -
do you like me sex-wise? -
159
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,560
is the answer to that yes or no?
Quickly.
160
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,880
Yeah.
161
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,920
I'm Batman.
162
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,000
Lion bar? No, I prefer fingers.
163
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,880
Chocolate ones?
I don't mind, really.
164
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:23,240
Oooh!
165
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,240
Jill, you are so dirty!
166
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,760
It's quite refreshing.
167
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:36,000
You call a spade a spade -
or a big tool!
What are we going to do together?
168
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,520
Norwich is our oyster.
169
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,440
Jill...
170
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:45,000
do you like owls?
171
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,920
They're quite nice, I suppose, yeah.
172
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,440
I know a cracking owl sanctuary.
173
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:55,800
How about it? Unless you can
think of anything better? Shopping?
174
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:03,960
I like the...um...Astroturf
placed on the wood there.
175
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:09,400
It's basically zero-maintenance
grass. Useful stuff. Mm.
176
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:19,240
When I used to see you
in Reception... Yeah. Do you know
what I used to think? No.
177
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:24,920
I used to think, "Oo-oo-oo-ooh,
she's nicer than my wife!"
Hah!
178
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,320
That's terrible!
179
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,040
That's a terrible thing to say.
180
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:44,440
You're mad, you are! I am a bit mad.
181
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,480
..It's all right.
182
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:57,520
It's all right.
I was just portraying a madman. Bye.
183
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:05,400
It looks like death row,
doesn't it? Yeah.
184
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,840
I'm sorry, Mr Hawk,
your pardon has been turned down.
185
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,440
You have been found guilty...
186
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:18,480
..of premeditated homicide...
of a mouse...
187
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:27,520
..and you'll be hanged by the neck
until dead. And don't try to hover
up so that the rope goes slack!
188
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:33,640
They could do that, couldn't they?
It could hover...
so the rope went slack.
189
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:38,400
I suppose if you were going
to execute a bird of prey,
190
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:42,840
the most humane way
would be death by firing squad.
191
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:51,200
That is the best Valentine's Day
I've had in eight years.
192
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,680
What did you do eight years ago?
193
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,080
Just had a better one.
194
00:16:56,080 --> 00:17:01,320
What did you do? Went to Silverstone
shook Jackie Stewart's hand. Superb.
195
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:05,240
My marriage fell apart
soon after that.
196
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:11,000
Jill, there is a romantic
buffet supper at the hotel tonight.
197
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:16,040
As much as you can eat for £6. I've
got a scam going with a big plate.
198
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:20,440
Do you fancy being
my...co-eater lady?
199
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,640
Oh!
200
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,760
Yeah, Alan, I'd like that. Yeah.
201
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,920
Listen to this.
It'll blow your socks off.
202
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:35,240
STEELEYE SPAN "Gaudete"
203
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:39,200
# ..Ex Maria virgine
Gaudete... #
204
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:48,040
I'll just give that a quick clean.
Saves me doing it later.
205
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:54,640
Bon soir. Would you
like to buy a rose for the lady?
£2 for Norwich Children's Hospital.
206
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:59,320
I did an after-dinner
with Bill Oddie for them.
207
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:04,120
Voila.
Oh, thank you, Alan. That's lovely.
208
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,480
Keep it. Keep it.
209
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:14,000
You can always get me something of
equivalent value - a pint of bitter,
big marker pen, whatever.
210
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,800
Have youse done?
Like to order a dessert?
211
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,840
I'll have chocolate mousse.
212
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:28,160
Leave that there.
Two chocolate mousses on its way
Just going over there for a bit.
213
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:36,600
This is a romantic tribute...
214
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:42,960
..to a lovely lady with orange hair
and a cigarette in her mouth.
215
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,680
MUSICIANS PLAY INTRO
216
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:50,240
# Why do birds...
suddenly appear...? #
217
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,640
That's too high.
218
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:56,800
# Every time
Every time...you are near...near
219
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:01,160
# Just like...just like me-e-e...
220
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:05,000
# They want to be...
close to you
221
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,960
# Why do...why do... #
It's not working.
222
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,480
You get the general idea. Thank you.
223
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:25,280
That was great.
I didn't know you could sing.
I used to be in the choir...
224
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,760
at primary school.
225
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,280
Before it all dropped in my...
226
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:38,320
my pre-hair days! It's all fallen
into place now, though, innit?
227
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:43,240
Yep! I've been pubic
for...31 years.
228
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:48,080
I was one of the first in my class,
actually.
229
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,480
Here you go.
230
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,760
Two chocolate mousses.
Thank you.
231
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:57,040
I love chocolate. Yes, so do I.
232
00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,080
Wispas. Aeros.
233
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,600
Ripples. Flakes. Caramac.
234
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:07,640
It's good, this, even although
we're just listing chocolate bars.
235
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:13,760
Oh, my God.
..Lynn, what are you doing here?
More good news.
236
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:18,160
I negotiated a walnut gear knob
for your smaller Rover.
237
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:25,440
You came all the way here to tell
me that? I've been ringing you,
but your mobile was switched off.
238
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:29,360
Lynn, it was switched off
for a reason.
239
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:37,560
I was at an owl sanctuary. I was
worried that the ringing might
have sounded like a mating call.
240
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:42,440
Why are you wearing that snazzy
cardigan? I just threw it on.
241
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:49,720
If you think you can upstage Jill
by wearing that, you're mistaken.
But thanks for the gear knob.
242
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:56,440
Good night.
We're in the same area. Would
you like to share a taxi with me?
243
00:20:56,440 --> 00:21:02,920
No, Jill will be sleeping with me
tonight. I don't recall saying that.
244
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,280
Oh, come on!
245
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:08,200
Yeah, all right, then.
246
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,000
Have a good night, then. I will.
247
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:21,320
Shall I go and get another half
bottle of champagne? Go on, then.
248
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:26,120
Could you give this to Alan?
It's fungal foot powder.
249
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:31,040
He's got a condition. Make sure
he rubs it in his feet tonight.
250
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,480
Only it gets a bit...smelly.
251
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:40,760
They've got some goat's cheese
out there.
252
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,280
Oh, she remembered. Great.
253
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,760
Why don't we take these
to your room?
254
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,840
My room...
It's over there by the lifts.
255
00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:01,080
We'll try and leave
with some dignity.
256
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:09,440
Night-night, Mr Partridge,
and your good lady.
257
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,560
Good night. Good night.
Night-night.
258
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:16,880
Night.
Got your big plate, Alan? Yes.
259
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:35,400
I wouldn't go in there for a bit.
Leave it about 15...
260
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:40,240
Leave it about 15 minutes.
261
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:44,840
I must say, I'm
tremendously excited by all this.
262
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:49,880
My sister's got this bed linen.
Does she live in a Travel Tavern?
263
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,400
No, she'd like to. It's nice, innit?
264
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,040
No, it's a bloody nightmare.
265
00:22:55,040 --> 00:23:00,400
Is that for me, Alan? That? Oh, God,
no! I always put my money there.
266
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:06,600
If it was, you could add a zero
to that. It's £7.06. 70 quid?!
267
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:11,400
No, double it. It's still cheap.
I'm not haggling.
268
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:19,880
I was trying to pay you a
compliment. It was my understanding
that no money would change hands.
269
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:25,200
I'm all yours. Do you mind
if I turn the light out?
270
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:29,600
Can't you just dim it? OK.
271
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,480
A bit more...
272
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,400
How's that?
273
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,800
That'll do.
Right, let battle commence.
274
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,200
Do you...do you like me doing that?
275
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,840
Shall I do it more quickly
or shall I maintain the same speed?
276
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,240
That's fine.
277
00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:01,720
Right. Shall I...shall I
move on to the other one?
278
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:08,720
Oh, that's lovely.
279
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,080
That's first class.
280
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,480
That is superb.
281
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:17,520
Ooh, there you go,
it's all happening.
282
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:23,440
Um...Jill, I'm afraid
I have no sheaths.
283
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,680
No what? Sheaths. Prophylactics.
Rubber johnnies.
284
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:33,600
Actually...being your age,
there's probably no need for them.
285
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:38,960
I'm...I'm talking about the meno...
Ooohh, jelly, early onions!
286
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,880
Oh. Do you mind if I talk?
287
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:48,440
It helps me...keep the wolf
from the door, so to speak.
288
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:58,360
Jill, what do you think
about the pedestrianisation
of Norwich city centre?
289
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,440
I'll be honest. I'm dead against it.
290
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:07,520
People forget that traders
need access to DIX...ons.
291
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:17,320
They do say
it'll help people in wheelchairs.
292
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,960
Hang on, I've got an idea.
293
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:26,320
Jill, what are you doing?
For God's sake, Jill!
294
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,600
Jill, for God's sake.
295
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:36,720
I just thought I'd pour chocolate
mousse over you. You've got it
on the sheets, my dressing gown,
296
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,120
on the valance. On the what?
297
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:44,880
The skirt thing round the bed.
I thought it'd be erotic. Oh, Jill!
298
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:49,520
To put mousse on a person
is demented.
299
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,480
It's only a bit of chocolate.
300
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:59,320
To an unwitting member of staff,
this could look like
some sort of...dirty protest
301
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:06,960
against the standard of service,
which I think is very good. It's
not five-star but it's competitive.
302
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:10,360
KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh, God.
303
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:19,120
Yes? Is everything all right, sir?
I heard a commotion.
No, it's fine. Right.
304
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:24,240
You've got chocolate on your face.
I've just been eating some mousse.
305
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,600
Oh, right.
306
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,840
Fine.
307
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,480
You've missed a bit.
308
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:39,800
I'll deal with it later.
Right. Hey...
309
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:47,600
it reminds me of this time we
camouflaged ourselves up... Can we
talk in the morning? Well, no,
310
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:54,600
I won't be on in the morning.
I'm daeing nights...
Well, when the boat comes in.
311
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:58,360
Now...um...bugger off. Aye. OK?
312
00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:03,080
Message understood, sir.
You're not in the Army any more.
313
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,760
'Across the Ouse to the Waveney...
314
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,080
'this is Radio Norwich.'
315
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:14,680
Now it's time for Alan's Love Bud.
316
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:18,960
This is the story of a woman - 50 -
317
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:22,080
and a chap in his early 40s.
318
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:27,920
This woman enraptured this man,
made him feel 16 again.
319
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:33,000
He thought, "I'm going to wear
a T-shirt with Crowded House on it.
320
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:36,360
"Yes, I WILL buy Punch magazine."
321
00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:41,400
But then she committed...
a gross act upon his person,
322
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,440
which was tantamount to vandalism.
323
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:48,960
He realised that,
not only must they part company,
324
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:54,320
but he must also sack her
from her job as his receptionist.
325
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:58,760
She did work for him
and he had to sack her anyway.
326
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:05,440
Anyway, he thanks her
for that stolen afternoon,
but even that - it was stolen.
327
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:07,960
It's not your property, love.
328
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:13,880
Just to emphasise one more time -
her contract has been terminated.
329
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:18,160
This is Hot Chocolate -
"It Started With A Kiss".
330
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:20,520
# It started with a kiss... #
331
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:26,080
In three minutes' time, I'll talk
to Norfolk's youngest butcher.
332
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,720
# It started with a kiss
333
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:35,840
# Never thought
it would come to this
334
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:39,440
# It started with a kiss
335
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:43,320
# Never thought
it would come to this
336
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,440
# You don't remember me, do you?
Do you?
337
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:50,880
# You don't remember me, do you?
338
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:54,760
# You don't remember me, do you? #
339
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:56,840
Oh.
29903
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