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1
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:32,090
Koyaanisqatsi.
2
00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:46,610
That music was very foreboding.
It's made a shiver go down my spine.
3
00:01:46,770 --> 00:01:49,740
- That'll be the air-conditioning.
- I would've taken it off sooner
4
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:52,950
but I was having a fascinating
conversation with the proud father
5
00:01:53,110 --> 00:01:54,830
of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child.
6
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,610
Just passed his details on
to the Social Services.
7
00:01:57,780 --> 00:02:01,330
The time is 11:59 and 55 seconds.
8
00:02:01,490 --> 00:02:04,500
- It's midday.
- Well, no.. Well, yeah, it is now.
9
00:02:04,660 --> 00:02:07,340
You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.
10
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:10,340
Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.
11
00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:13,720
Music and chat for the
Norfolk generation.
12
00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:16,600
Sorry, it's the other way.
13
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,550
Later we'll be taking dedications
14
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,440
for anyone wrongly turned down
for planning permission.
15
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,440
Which is the worst monger?
16
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,820
Fish, iron, rumour or war?
Pretty clear, that one.
17
00:02:27,980 --> 00:02:29,900
Now it's time for
today's large question.
18
00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:32,820
Large question.
19
00:02:32,980 --> 00:02:34,730
It's the near future.
20
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:38,330
An unprovoked chemical attack
from France, or possibly China,
21
00:02:38,490 --> 00:02:40,580
has left us without a sense of smell.
22
00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:43,830
In a whiff-free world,
what smell would you miss the most?
23
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:45,880
- Tom in Diss?
- Petrol.
24
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,300
Nice. Wrongly referred to
by the Americans as "gas".
25
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:50,920
It's petrol, not gas.
26
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,760
- Dominic in Castle Acre?
- Money.
27
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,550
Yep. Joe in Holt?
28
00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:56,630
- My wife's nightie.
- You kinky get.
29
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,100
- Saucy sod.
- She died, you see.
30
00:03:00,510 --> 00:03:02,310
- Smells matter.
- They do.
31
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,270
Hey, Greg.
32
00:03:06,430 --> 00:03:09,860
This is a great station, a real cracker.
33
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,940
Yeah. Hi, Pat.
Um.. this is Jason Tresswell.
34
00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:15,780
- Managing Director of..
- Goredale Media.
35
00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:19,410
Our new owners, huh?
I Googled you on Yahoo.
36
00:03:19,570 --> 00:03:22,700
That's Pat Farrell.
Does week nights. 10-12.
37
00:03:22,950 --> 00:03:24,540
Sleepy-time slot.
38
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,500
- So, are you on your way out?
- You tell me.
39
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,710
Is it true you're being taken over
by a bunch of corporate whores?
40
00:03:32,870 --> 00:03:37,850
Er.. Gillian, I'm 99%
certain that's not true.
41
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,100
We've got a text here from
Joy in Diss who says:
42
00:03:41,260 --> 00:03:43,310
An easy way to solve the problems
in Israel..
43
00:03:43,510 --> 00:03:46,310
- A thorny issue.
- ..Would be for Judaism and Islam to merge.
44
00:03:46,470 --> 00:03:48,310
Wouldn't hold your breath.
45
00:03:48,470 --> 00:03:50,230
- They both hate pigs.
- True enough.
46
00:03:50,390 --> 00:03:52,390
You could call it Jislam.
47
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:56,860
I think you can go in circles, can't you,
trying to think of names for something?
48
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,860
Even er.. a cat.
49
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,400
Well, nettles cause 'em,
dock leaves cure 'em.
50
00:04:01,570 --> 00:04:03,700
It's a sting. It's Sting.
51
00:04:03,860 --> 00:04:04,870
♪ Roxanne
52
00:04:05,030 --> 00:04:08,250
- Sorry.
- Never, never criticise Muslims.
53
00:04:08,910 --> 00:04:12,410
Only Christians. And Jews a little bit.
54
00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:17,670
Alan, it's started. They're here.
55
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,680
We're being taken over.
56
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:25,770
So?
57
00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:28,730
♪ Roxanne
58
00:04:29,430 --> 00:04:32,690
♪ You don't have to put on the red light
59
00:04:34,690 --> 00:04:36,860
♪ Those days are over
60
00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:40,030
♪ You don't have to sell
your body to the night
61
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,370
Hello?
62
00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:50,080
Are you in the business centre?
63
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,960
♪ Coconut, everybody
64
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,340
♪ Like de coconut
65
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,760
♪ Coconut, coconut..
66
00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:04,010
♪ Coconut, coconut
67
00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:07,680
Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about
how ospreys died out in Britain
68
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:11,390
and had to be reintroduced
from Scandinavia in the early '90s.
69
00:05:13,810 --> 00:05:16,060
Now I think there are
almost 500 of them.
70
00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:18,860
Yeah. 480.
71
00:05:19,020 --> 00:05:21,950
It shows we should treasure
and value our wildlife.
72
00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:24,570
So, what you got, girl?
73
00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:27,410
Well, the butchers want you
to do another voiceover.
74
00:05:27,570 --> 00:05:29,120
"Bannan's the Butcher's.
75
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:32,130
Yesterday's meat at today's prices."
76
00:05:32,740 --> 00:05:34,670
You've had the mayor of
Hickling get in touch.
77
00:05:34,830 --> 00:05:38,080
He listens to your show and wants to
offer you the freedom of the village.
78
00:05:38,290 --> 00:05:41,260
- It doesn't even have a post office.
- They give you a big key.
79
00:05:42,090 --> 00:05:43,960
- How big?
- That big.
80
00:05:44,130 --> 00:05:45,880
- Tell him I accept.
81
00:05:46,050 --> 00:05:48,430
Everything seems to be
chugging along nicely.
82
00:05:49,430 --> 00:05:50,640
Everything OK, Alan?
83
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:54,820
Michael's just sent a text saying he
hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.
84
00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:57,490
- How does he..
- He steals it from a pub.
85
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:58,940
- Oh.
- That's a relief.
86
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:01,650
Shared a bag of salty popcorn
with him last week.
87
00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:05,120
♪ Roll out the barrel!!
- Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.
88
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:09,870
Join me tonight at 10 for a hearty
casserole of tunes, cheer and chin-wag.
89
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,590
Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp
will be playing live in the studio,
90
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:17,670
and I'll be taking your calls
on my ever popular fireside phone-in.
91
00:06:17,830 --> 00:06:19,250
Don't miss it.
92
00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:24,010
OK, for those who haven't
slipped into a coma,
93
00:06:24,170 --> 00:06:27,930
you are listening to the Breakfast Show
with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.
94
00:06:30,050 --> 00:06:33,270
- How we feeling this morning, guys?
- Better than you, by the look of things.
95
00:06:33,430 --> 00:06:36,100
- I had it large. I got on it.
- Take it easy tonight, then.
96
00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:38,140
I would but we've got
the launch tonight.
97
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:40,780
North Norfolk Digital
are changing their name to..
98
00:06:40,980 --> 00:06:43,110
Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.
99
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:46,870
♪ Shape - the way you want it to be
100
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,120
Coming up next, Alan Partridge.
God bless him, how old is he?
101
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,200
60 or something. Got to be, hasn't he?
102
00:06:53,370 --> 00:06:54,990
55.
103
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,290
Alan, we love you, mate.
We love you really.
104
00:06:57,450 --> 00:06:59,670
This one's for you if you're listening.
105
00:06:59,870 --> 00:07:01,970
It's Roachford.
106
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,800
♪ Cuddly Toy
107
00:07:14,260 --> 00:07:17,770
♪ Well, I don't pour out
my heart like this to everyone
108
00:07:17,930 --> 00:07:20,940
♪ Not anyone that I meet
109
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:25,150
♪ And I know it ain't the wine,
cos I feel just fine
110
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,150
♪ Can't you see, baby?
111
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:28,820
♪ I'm still on my feet
112
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:31,120
♪ Oh, but a cuddly toy
113
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:36,160
♪ That's my only joy waiting for me
when I get home, yeah
114
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:40,210
♪ And what I need is a girl like you
115
00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:43,920
♪ All I need, yeah, to call my very own
116
00:07:44,290 --> 00:07:47,970
♪ So you gotta feel for me, baby
♪ Feel for me, baby
117
00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:51,430
♪ Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby
♪ Feel for me, baby
118
00:07:51,590 --> 00:07:54,720
♪ Girl, you gotta feel for me, baby
♪ Feel for me, baby
119
00:07:54,890 --> 00:07:57,440
♪ Oh, gimme some love
120
00:07:58,430 --> 00:08:00,310
♪ Come on, now..
121
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,660
Your fog lamps are on.
122
00:08:08,110 --> 00:08:10,200
Your fog lamps are on. There's no fog.
123
00:08:11,740 --> 00:08:13,360
There's no fog.
124
00:08:13,530 --> 00:08:14,620
No fog.
125
00:08:14,780 --> 00:08:16,750
♪ Oh, a cuddly toy
126
00:08:16,910 --> 00:08:18,830
♪ That's my only joy
127
00:08:18,990 --> 00:08:21,420
♪ Waiting for me when I get home
128
00:08:21,580 --> 00:08:22,630
♪ Na-na
129
00:08:22,790 --> 00:08:24,540
♪ And what I need
130
00:08:24,710 --> 00:08:26,710
♪ ls a girl like you
131
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,850
♪ Just to call, call my very own
132
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,480
♪ So, you gotta feel for me, baby
♪ Feel for me, baby
133
00:08:33,630 --> 00:08:37,310
♪ Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby
♪ Feel for me, baby
134
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:40,520
♪ You gotta feel for me, baby
♪ Feel for me, baby
135
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,860
♪ Oh, gimme some love
136
00:08:44,020 --> 00:08:45,490
Love that noise.
137
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,740
Michael, do it outside.
138
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:52,320
- Morning, Michael.
- Morning, Mr Partridge.
139
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,120
- Paper.
- I was doing a fist bump.
140
00:08:56,280 --> 00:09:00,080
- You would say that now you've lost.
- It's instead of a handshake.
141
00:09:00,450 --> 00:09:02,960
Some people say it's more hygienic
than a handshake.
142
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,800
But who's to say
you can't get shit on your fist?
143
00:09:06,210 --> 00:09:09,340
- Did you hear him making fun of you?
- I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,
144
00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:12,050
"There's only one thing worse
than being talked about."
145
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:14,310
- Cancer.
- No. "Not being talked about."
146
00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:16,560
Oscar Wilde said that's
worse than cancer?
147
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,020
Yeah. I think he was at a party.
148
00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:21,680
Probably just being a gay show-off.
149
00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:23,230
♪ Shape, Shape, Shape
150
00:09:23,390 --> 00:09:27,360
Do you know what I really like? I like waking up
in the morning, breathing in the air and er..
151
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,900
actually realising I've made it through
the night and I haven't wet the bed.
152
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:33,240
No, I am joking, obviously, but er..
153
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,910
they were, of course,
very, very dark days indeed.
154
00:09:38,070 --> 00:09:39,420
But they're all behind me now.
155
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,950
- Morning, Angela.
- Morning, Alan.
156
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,340
Alan Partridge has just
walked into the building.
157
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,720
Walking and talking, like The West Wing.
158
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,670
- Hope he hasn't hurt himself!!
- Mr President, we have a code red.
159
00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:52,760
- I've never seen the show.
- No, me neither.
160
00:09:53,420 --> 00:09:55,520
Corner coming up.
161
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,140
You never know what's round the corner.
162
00:09:59,590 --> 00:10:01,270
More corners, usually.
163
00:10:03,850 --> 00:10:05,730
Imagine a world without corners.
164
00:10:06,350 --> 00:10:10,280
No-one would be able to cut any.
Everyone would be going round in circles.
165
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,580
Wow.
166
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,500
I enjoyed that.
167
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:22,750
I will tell you one thing.
168
00:10:22,910 --> 00:10:24,660
When I was going through my bad times,
169
00:10:24,830 --> 00:10:29,830
I found Norfolk was perhaps
maybe not the place to be and..
170
00:10:30,580 --> 00:10:33,380
just because it's so flat
and there was a sort of a..
171
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,340
a bleakness about the place,
but obviously now..
172
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:38,980
You're a good broadcaster, Alan.
Don't forget that.
173
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,220
- I wasn't planning to, Pat.
- You seen this memo?
174
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,510
"Exciting new phase.
Here's to the future."
175
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,350
- My days are numbered.
- No-one's getting sacked.
176
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,360
It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when
the swimming pool allegations came out.
177
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,610
- He was in bits.
- Yeah.
178
00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:55,620
It turned out he was just helping those
lads towel off. He was being nice.
179
00:10:55,820 --> 00:10:58,410
- He didn't even know them.
- Yeah, but where is he now?
180
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:01,450
- He runs his own business.
- There. He's back on his feet.
181
00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:03,330
Rents out bouncy castles.
182
00:11:03,490 --> 00:11:05,210
For adults, yeah?
183
00:11:05,370 --> 00:11:08,340
- Look at this memo.
- I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.
184
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:11,470
Goredale Media are simply re-imagining
our core brand values
185
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:15,470
and giving it a name more fitting
to multi-platform content delivery.
186
00:11:15,670 --> 00:11:18,090
- They're people people.
- People people sack people.
187
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:21,430
No, Pat. People sack people.
People people please people.
188
00:11:21,590 --> 00:11:23,810
- Can you have a word with them, Alan?
- Would you?
189
00:11:24,010 --> 00:11:27,520
Er.. sure. As soon as I can get them
all in the same room together.
190
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,530
- They're all up in the boardroom now.
- That's great.
191
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,980
Thank you. Thank you, Alan.
You're a pal.
192
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,370
Well, pals is pals.
193
00:11:36,650 --> 00:11:41,370
If we're all looking at the last quarterly
figures for North Norfolk on page 6.
194
00:11:41,530 --> 00:11:43,830
Then if you turn to page 5.
195
00:11:44,910 --> 00:11:49,130
Hi, guys, don't want to be an
agenda-bender, but any chance of a wa-wa?
196
00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:53,080
- It's not a good time, Alan.
- It's fine, we've time. Come in.
197
00:11:53,290 --> 00:11:56,590
Oh, we moved the other thing.
Yeah, it's a good time.
198
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,300
Alan. Alan Partridge.
199
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:00,600
Jason Tresswell,
MD of Goredale Media.
200
00:12:01,010 --> 00:12:04,100
It's not "Alan Alan Partridge".
It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".
201
00:12:04,260 --> 00:12:06,060
I know some people do have two names.
202
00:12:06,220 --> 00:12:08,100
Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.
203
00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:10,020
Duran Duran.
204
00:12:10,180 --> 00:12:11,980
Yeah, that's not as good.
205
00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:14,940
Um.. Kris Kristofferson.
206
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:18,160
Excellent small talk.
Gentlemen, to business.
207
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,860
I am here as one of the more senior
D-jocks at this station.
208
00:12:22,030 --> 00:12:23,830
I'm here to talk about jobs.
209
00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:27,460
Like a Nazi officer this, isn't it?
210
00:12:27,660 --> 00:12:29,540
Should er.. snap my heels together.
211
00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:31,290
- Achtung!!
- Guten Tag.
212
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:33,250
Silence!! Sorry. I meant to miss you.
213
00:12:33,410 --> 00:12:35,510
I want you to do something for me.
214
00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:41,010
I want you to take all your prejudices,
put them in a box marked "prejudices",
215
00:12:41,210 --> 00:12:44,140
put it to one side, wipe the prejudice
juice off your hands..
216
00:12:44,340 --> 00:12:47,220
Can I just stop you there?
Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.
217
00:12:47,390 --> 00:12:49,690
I'm not scared of anything.
Not even an elephant,
218
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:52,600
which is interesting,
because there's one in this room.
219
00:12:52,810 --> 00:12:54,560
- Wanna know his name?
- Pat Farrell.
220
00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:57,360
It's Pat Farrell. Pat's audience is old.
221
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,700
Old people, much like
dogs, are blindly loyal.
222
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:03,530
And if Pat hi-tails it to
Cedar FM and they follow,
223
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:06,920
you've got a grey exodus on your hands.
A grexodus.
224
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:12,050
Hm. That prejudices box doesn't
seem quite so cool any more, does it?
225
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,750
Yeah, but we bought Cedar FM as well.
226
00:13:14,910 --> 00:13:17,260
I didn't know that.
I did not know that.
227
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:28,020
- The point is..
- You were talking about Pat Farrell.
228
00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:30,690
Pat Farrell is a great guy.
229
00:13:30,850 --> 00:13:34,690
He's always the first to speak up
at union meetings,
230
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,480
being a member of a union.
231
00:13:37,690 --> 00:13:43,040
He's also Irish, which again, weirdly,
a plus point, if you like swearing.
232
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,950
"Feckin' dis" and "Feckin' dat".
233
00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:48,710
Some Irish people say “Feck off"
isn't as bad as "Fuck off"
234
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,710
but I think that's bullshit
or bellshit.
235
00:13:50,870 --> 00:13:54,090
- The bottom line is, he swears too much.
- This is all very interesting..
236
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,090
I can sum up Pat Farrell in ten words.
237
00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:59,920
Pat isn't very good so let him go, guys,
seriously.
238
00:14:00,670 --> 00:14:02,550
I can condense that to three words.
239
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,300
Just sack Pat.
240
00:14:11,470 --> 00:14:13,190
That completes my presentation.
241
00:14:14,930 --> 00:14:17,530
Gentlemen, I'll leave
you to your biscuits.
242
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,490
Gloves.
243
00:14:27,030 --> 00:14:29,160
Oh, fuck.
244
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,660
Glove.
245
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,210
♪ Shape
246
00:14:32,370 --> 00:14:34,960
♪ The way you want it to be
247
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:39,920
Ahhh!! That was soft rock
cocaine enthusiasts, fleetwood Mac.
248
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,180
And this was Mid-Morning Matters.
249
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:43,720
Where once again,
250
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,930
- mid-morning.. mattered.
- Mattered.
251
00:14:46,090 --> 00:14:48,470
Supposed to do it in sync.
252
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,270
- Always leave a gap.
- Sorry.
253
00:14:51,430 --> 00:14:52,800
Simple. Very simple.
254
00:14:53,180 --> 00:14:56,980
You're listening to Shape -
The Way You Want It To Be.
255
00:15:00,980 --> 00:15:04,280
Mm-hm. Right. And will it take long?
256
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,830
It will take long. OK.
Hi, Pat. I'll catch you later.
257
00:15:10,450 --> 00:15:13,040
I'm not happy about it, but..
258
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,080
I'll have to go along with it, won't I?
259
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:22,720
The.. The problem is that the phone
rings even when I'm speaking on it,
260
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,840
so it sounds bloody weird.
261
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:30,020
In fact, I think it just did it then.
Did you hear it? Yes?
262
00:15:30,170 --> 00:15:32,270
Yeah. He heard it too.
263
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,060
OK, well, I'll leave it with you.
264
00:15:35,220 --> 00:15:37,190
Mm-hm. Yep.
265
00:15:37,350 --> 00:15:38,730
Yep.
266
00:15:38,890 --> 00:15:40,690
All right. Thanks, Susan.
267
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,320
If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that phone,
there'll be hell to pay.
268
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,580
They wouldn't even let me say goodbye
to my listeners.
269
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,240
Just gave me 30 minutes
to clear out my locker.
270
00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:54,950
Well, at least I'm getting
their mugs dirty.
271
00:15:55,950 --> 00:15:58,200
Thanks, Alan.
You always stuck up for me.
272
00:15:58,370 --> 00:16:00,290
Not like the others.
273
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:04,330
Well, I'll let you get back to.. Geoff.
274
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,800
- Who's Geoff?
- Geoff Susan.
275
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,510
Oh, yes, of course.
276
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,390
Ahhhhh..
277
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,320
I did the right thing, didn't I, Lynn?
278
00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:23,190
I mean, I think he knew his days
were numbered.
279
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,320
More of an assisted suicide really.
280
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:29,740
I just flew him to Switzerland
and filled out a few forms and..
281
00:16:30,650 --> 00:16:32,450
sloped off to the airport.
282
00:16:32,650 --> 00:16:35,500
I've got to be honest, Lynn,
I'm feeling pretty crummy.
283
00:16:36,030 --> 00:16:37,960
Pat's Irish, isn't he?
284
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,660
To be sure.
285
00:16:39,830 --> 00:16:42,580
Why don't you donate
£50 to Sinn Fein?
286
00:16:42,750 --> 00:16:44,470
Perfect.
287
00:16:45,710 --> 00:16:47,130
Love that noise.
288
00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:49,010
Keep me away from the sausage rolls.
289
00:16:49,170 --> 00:16:50,720
I'm wearing my chubby clothes again.
290
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,970
- I noticed.
- What the chub, or the clothes?
291
00:16:53,130 --> 00:16:54,760
- 'Dad.
' MS/"Dad.
292
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:56,840
Not that funny, Lynn.
293
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:58,930
Bounce
294
00:17:01,930 --> 00:17:04,360
- I used to go with prostitutes.
- Brilliant.
295
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,320
Cocaine - that was a trigger.
Cocaine, prostitutes.
296
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:11,320
Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er..
luminous green bile.
297
00:17:13,110 --> 00:17:15,080
Yeah, I was withdrawing.
298
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,990
I've got my minder with me.
299
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,030
- Lynn?
- She might not seem tough
300
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,580
but I once saw her stamp on
50 cockroaches in a minute.
301
00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:23,460
He didn't see. He was in the next room.
302
00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:25,500
- It was in Wales.
- It's true, yeah.
303
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,590
All I could hear was crunch, crunch,
crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp.
304
00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:31,850
I thought she was country dancing
whilst eating cereal.
305
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,010
I thought it was the End of Days.
They were legion.
306
00:17:35,170 --> 00:17:36,600
Lynn likes The Bible.
307
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,600
I've never understood moths.
308
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,390
They only come out at night,
yet they're attracted to light.
309
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,800
I don't know why they just don't
come out during the day.
310
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:46,650
I've nothing to add to that.
If you substituted butterfly..
311
00:17:46,810 --> 00:17:48,730
Could you go and get me
some sausage rolls?
312
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:52,820
If you substituted butterfly for moth,
I think it would sound like poetry, yeah.
313
00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,780
Unfortunately, Wordsworth didn't say:
314
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:58,790
"I wandered lonely as a moth
to eat some jumpers in a drawer"
315
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:03,210
"As if that wasn't bad enough,
it ate my sock upon the moor"
316
00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:12,260
Yeah. It's just.. I don't know why
a sock could be on the moor.
317
00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:14,390
A mitten, maybe.
318
00:18:14,550 --> 00:18:16,890
I actually spewed up some
of my stomach lining.
319
00:18:17,050 --> 00:18:20,100
I don't know if you've ever done er..
done any horse, have you?
320
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:22,940
- I've ridden a donkey.
- No, no, no, I mean heroin.
321
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:25,520
I know what you mean.
No, I've not done heroin.
322
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,530
- I don't like subtitles in my films.
- If you can read, read a book.
323
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:31,240
Citizen Kane. Black and white.
I haven't seen that.
324
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,650
I tell you what, the best film for me,
ever, is still The Godfather.
325
00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:36,910
- Ah, amazing film.
- Perfect film.
326
00:18:37,190 --> 00:18:39,540
"I'm gonna make him an offer
he can't refuse.“
327
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:41,540
- Amazing acting, though.
- Great acting.
328
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:43,000
I tell you what's even better-
329
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,710
a lot of people are shocked when I say
this - the camera angles.
330
00:18:46,870 --> 00:18:48,710
- Alan, I need a word.
- Camera angles?
331
00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:51,260
It's rather delicate.
332
00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:54,510
Remember when you took me for that
Christmas meal at the ice rink?
333
00:18:54,670 --> 00:18:56,970
You remember that woman
disinfecting the boots?
334
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,310
The one that took a shine to you?
335
00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:01,600
I went home and you and her..
336
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,720
Well, it's.. none of my business.
337
00:19:04,890 --> 00:19:08,140
It is none of your business, but for
the record, went back to her place,
338
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:11,810
watched Air Crash Investigation,
then I fell asleep in her big armchair.
339
00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:13,400
A perfectly normal woman.
340
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,160
Well, she's here.
341
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,360
Lynn, get rid of her.
She's a drunk racist.
342
00:19:17,820 --> 00:19:20,120
- I'll tolerate one, but not both.
- Fine.
343
00:19:20,610 --> 00:19:22,540
But you said I could pop by any time.
344
00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:24,950
I know, but my career's
hanging by a thread.
345
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,290
- And I'm an embarrassment, am I?
- No, no.
346
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,920
You just wanted sex, you used me.
347
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,670
Well, maybe you used me.
348
00:19:31,830 --> 00:19:34,930
L-I didn't have much of a say
over what went on that night.
349
00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:37,600
Didn't hear you complaining.
350
00:19:38,050 --> 00:19:40,270
- I couldn't speak.
- See you round mine again, then.
351
00:19:40,420 --> 00:19:41,970
I.. don't know, I'm.. I'm..
352
00:19:42,180 --> 00:19:46,350
- What's wrong with my place?
- Well.. all those dogs barking.
353
00:19:46,510 --> 00:19:48,190
But it's their bedroom too.
354
00:19:48,390 --> 00:19:50,490
May I have a word?
355
00:19:55,310 --> 00:19:57,530
You're talking clap.. crap!!
356
00:19:57,940 --> 00:20:00,490
I sound like a fucking Chinky
when I'm pissed!!
357
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:07,540
There we go. All done.
358
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:11,160
- What did you say to her?
- I told her that God loves everyone.
359
00:20:11,870 --> 00:20:13,620
Even sluts.
360
00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:16,010
- Good night, Lynn.
- Night, Alan.
361
00:20:42,780 --> 00:20:44,160
Hello?
362
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,280
V funny. Tee-hee.
363
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,700
Very impressive.
364
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,210
Oh, they must have left in a hurry.
Something weird's happened.
365
00:21:01,420 --> 00:21:04,970
All right, you freaked me out, so just..
pack it..
366
00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:06,350
There you are!!
367
00:21:06,510 --> 00:21:07,980
Pat? Agh!!
368
00:21:15,350 --> 00:21:16,600
I'm down.
369
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,490
You..
370
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,780
You step to me?
371
00:21:29,490 --> 00:21:31,420
Simon.
372
00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:33,170
Er..
373
00:21:33,330 --> 00:21:35,330
Yeah, all right.
I'll go on without you.
374
00:21:50,890 --> 00:21:53,230
Stop!! Stop!! Stop!!
375
00:21:53,890 --> 00:21:55,810
- I need to commandeer this vehicle.
- What?
376
00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:57,820
- There's a mad man with a gun.
- Um..
377
00:21:57,980 --> 00:22:00,070
- He's Irish!!
- Get in.
378
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:05,320
Why do you sit so close to the wheel?
I could steer with my balls!!
379
00:22:06,990 --> 00:22:09,740
- Where's the nearest police station?
- Just here.
380
00:22:09,910 --> 00:22:11,780
Oh.. thanks.
381
00:22:11,950 --> 00:22:14,050
Are you Alan Partrid..?
382
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:19,670
Assault, battery, kidnap,
chronic thuggery,
383
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,430
brandishment, actual bodily harm,
grievous bodily harm..
384
00:22:24,380 --> 00:22:25,880
- ..harm.
- Just stick to what you saw
385
00:22:26,090 --> 00:22:28,390
and we'll decide if it's ABH or GBH.
386
00:22:28,550 --> 00:22:30,720
- You mean aitch?
- That's what I said.
387
00:22:30,890 --> 00:22:32,510
Nearly, you said haitch.
388
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,680
"Ha" is the sound of the letter,
aitch is its name.
389
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,860
One is ha, the other is aitch.
Neither is "haitch".
390
00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:38,890
- I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
- Mr Partridge?
391
00:22:39,060 --> 00:22:41,310
- Something else we need to talk about.
- Oh..
392
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,570
- You're not in trouble.
- Oh, fine.
393
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,080
I've never been in a police car before.
394
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,330
May I lower the window, please?
395
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:59,090
Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha
Papa arriving at the school building.
396
00:22:59,250 --> 00:23:00,970
- Officer.
- Mr Partridge.
397
00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:04,000
- You were at the police station.
- I was just in the car with you.
398
00:23:04,170 --> 00:23:06,220
- If you want to follow me, please.
- Huh.
399
00:23:06,380 --> 00:23:08,470
- This way, please, sir.
- Yep.
400
00:23:10,380 --> 00:23:12,390
Let's do it.
401
00:23:14,930 --> 00:23:18,310
Mr Partridge, this is the Gold Commander
of the operation.
402
00:23:18,850 --> 00:23:22,320
- Seriously, is that what you're called?
- On this operation, yes.
403
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,400
I'm Acting Chief Constable
Janet Whitehead.
404
00:23:24,610 --> 00:23:27,280
- An honour.
- And I'm Martin Fitch.
405
00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:29,280
Send.
406
00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:31,990
From Scotland Yard's
Hostage and Crisis Unit.
407
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,000
Here to lead the negotiation.
408
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,250
Er.. little bit awkward.
Who's in charge?
409
00:23:36,410 --> 00:23:38,960
Make no mistake, this lady is in charge.
410
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:43,420
So here's the situation.
Pat is refusing to speak to us directly.
411
00:23:43,580 --> 00:23:47,560
He's willing to give us three hostages but
only if he can talk to us through you.
412
00:23:47,710 --> 00:23:52,390
Now, we need to know why Pat has done this so
we can draw things to a peaceful conclusion.
413
00:23:52,550 --> 00:23:54,350
Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him. Deal.
414
00:23:54,510 --> 00:23:56,610
Sorry, wrong person.
415
00:23:56,930 --> 00:23:58,600
Come here.
416
00:24:01,730 --> 00:24:04,530
OK. Now, are you on any medication?
417
00:24:04,690 --> 00:24:06,690
Er.. Just some cream.
418
00:24:06,860 --> 00:24:10,740
I've got very aggressive athlete's foot but
that's the only thing about me that is.
419
00:24:10,900 --> 00:24:14,000
Do you suffer from any nervous
conditions, such as panic attacks?
420
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,250
Do I look like I suffer
from panic attacks?
421
00:24:17,410 --> 00:24:19,540
I've had one panic attack in a car wash.
422
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:22,830
It was a perfect storm
of no sleep, no wife,
423
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,670
and angry brushes whirring towards me.
424
00:24:26,290 --> 00:24:29,760
By the time the giant hair dryer
came on, I was in the footwell.
425
00:24:32,130 --> 00:24:34,430
Does the idea of weaponry trouble you?
426
00:24:34,590 --> 00:24:38,220
Er.. no. I've fired several rifles,
at fun fairs, and won prizes.
427
00:24:38,390 --> 00:24:41,360
But I've never fired one
in anger, or at a cat.
428
00:24:41,890 --> 00:24:44,570
We'll have you fully briefed
by the tactical firearms team.
429
00:24:44,730 --> 00:24:45,700
Cool.
430
00:24:45,850 --> 00:24:48,360
We'll keep in regular phone
contact with you when you go in.
431
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:50,120
Very cool. Sorry, go in?
432
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,740
- What, into the building?
- Mm-hm.
433
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,410
- To speak to Pat in person?
- Yes, is that not what you..
434
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:00,710
- Erm..
- Everything OK?
435
00:25:01,450 --> 00:25:04,550
I'm just a little nervous about
going into a car wash.. er.. siege.
436
00:25:04,750 --> 00:25:07,420
So what do you say, Al?
Will you help us?
437
00:25:16,050 --> 00:25:17,100
Yep.
438
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:21,060
Guys, none of us choose
the hand we're dealt..
439
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,480
- You know..
- We do need an answer, I'm afraid.
440
00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:27,280
Do you have another siege to go to?
441
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:30,200
It's my understanding that if you say
yes, you're allowed a few words.
442
00:25:30,270 --> 00:25:32,570
- So you are saying yes?
- I was leaving that to the end.
443
00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:34,360
- If you'd like to come with me.
- Sure.
444
00:25:34,530 --> 00:25:36,530
Can I get a copy of that?
445
00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:39,290
- Let's keep this simple, shall we?
- Roger, that.
446
00:25:39,450 --> 00:25:41,200
- No heroics.
- Ten-four, good buddy.
447
00:25:41,410 --> 00:25:43,410
Do not physically engage him.
448
00:25:43,580 --> 00:25:46,050
- Fight a gun, flee a knife, yeah?
- Where do you read that?
449
00:25:46,210 --> 00:25:48,170
Big fans of you guys in TFU.
450
00:25:48,330 --> 00:25:50,880
If I had my way, all police
officers would carry firearms.
451
00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:53,920
I think that firearms should remain
in the hands of specialists.
452
00:25:54,090 --> 00:25:57,310
I was going to say that only specialists
should be allowed to fire them.
453
00:25:57,470 --> 00:26:00,190
If you think I've just made that up,
you can call my assistant.
454
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:02,520
Alan!! Read my lips.
455
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,930
If you jeopardize the safety
of any of my men,
456
00:26:05,100 --> 00:26:08,450
or any of those hostages
because you've not been listening to me,
457
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:12,230
I will take off this police uniform
and I will make you pay for it.
458
00:26:13,650 --> 00:26:15,740
You want me to buy your police
uniform off you?
459
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:18,530
No. I'll give you a fucking good hiding,
is that clear?
460
00:26:18,700 --> 00:26:20,570
Yes, that's clear. Yes.
That's clear.
461
00:26:20,740 --> 00:26:22,840
You're close to me.
462
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,330
Now, you're a smart bloke,
I know you can handle it.
463
00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:28,670
- I know you won't disappoint me.
- I won't.
464
00:26:28,830 --> 00:26:31,630
I aim to please you,
and I.. I hope to impress you.
465
00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:34,460
- Good man.
- Yeah, you're a good man too.
466
00:26:35,420 --> 00:26:37,220
Right, well, Dom will fill you in.
467
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,520
He has to say all that
shit for the insurance.
468
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,400
- Right.
- Tell me this much, mate.
469
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,940
- What's your favourite siege?
- Iranian Embassy.
470
00:26:50,100 --> 00:26:51,230
Same. Why?
471
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,000
They used the sound of a pneumatic drill
472
00:26:53,110 --> 00:26:56,330
to disguise the noise of them removing
bricks from a neighbouring wall.
473
00:26:56,530 --> 00:26:59,280
- So they could smash through and..
- Take them out the game.
474
00:26:59,450 --> 00:27:01,540
It's just a great siege.
475
00:27:02,660 --> 00:27:03,780
Right.
476
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:06,700
Do you want to see my gun?
477
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,170
Does erm.. Yes, please.
478
00:27:12,630 --> 00:27:14,470
Let's clock the Glock.
479
00:27:16,050 --> 00:27:17,800
You'll have to move quicker than that.
480
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,720
- Any last messages for your kids?
- Oh.. Er..
481
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:22,600
No, they don't speak to me any more.
482
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,680
Yeah, "Why don't you
speak to me any more?"
483
00:27:24,850 --> 00:27:26,390
I wouldn't know the answer, would I?
484
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:30,440
So just um.. just..
tell them I love them.
485
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:40,910
Pat, Alan's coming in now.
486
00:27:55,790 --> 00:27:57,470
- Greg!!
- Oh.. Hey, Alan. Thanks.
487
00:27:57,630 --> 00:28:01,550
- They let you go as well?
- I'm relieved to be getting out of there.
488
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,190
- Aren't there still women in there?
- Yeah, well..
489
00:28:04,390 --> 00:28:07,770
I think it would be a bit sexist
to let all the women go out first.
490
00:28:07,930 --> 00:28:10,230
Yeah. Sleep well, Greg.
491
00:28:10,390 --> 00:28:11,940
Thanks.
492
00:28:17,190 --> 00:28:18,490
Pat?
493
00:28:20,860 --> 00:28:22,240
Pat?
494
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:24,290
Pat?
495
00:28:33,500 --> 00:28:35,590
- Prepare to die.
- I'm not ready to!!
496
00:28:36,210 --> 00:28:38,180
Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me.
497
00:28:38,340 --> 00:28:40,340
It's me - Pat.
498
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:41,600
God, you..
499
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:45,180
I just thought a little jokey costume
would, you know, put you at ease,
500
00:28:45,340 --> 00:28:48,350
- give you a giggle.
- Well.. mission accomplished.
501
00:28:49,350 --> 00:28:50,570
Oh, God.
502
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:52,690
- It's great to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
503
00:28:52,850 --> 00:28:55,700
I bought you some cake,
not that you deserve it after that.
504
00:28:55,850 --> 00:28:58,230
I should just crush it in my hand.
Oh, I already have.
505
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,320
- How the devil are you?
- Yeah, not bad, not bad.
506
00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:02,910
How are you feeling?
507
00:29:03,070 --> 00:29:04,740
- Great!!
- Good.
508
00:29:04,950 --> 00:29:07,290
Oh, er.. the police told
me to bring you this.
509
00:29:07,450 --> 00:29:09,120
It's just a standard field phone,
510
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:12,500
should you feel the inclination
to communicate with ze authorities.
511
00:29:12,660 --> 00:29:16,130
Good thing about these things, they're
immune to the problems and glitches
512
00:29:16,290 --> 00:29:18,390
you get with satellite phones.
513
00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:21,420
But, like I say, it's
just an option, really.
514
00:29:21,630 --> 00:29:27,100
I just realised, when you asked me
now how I was feeling, you meant..
515
00:29:27,260 --> 00:29:29,260
Yes, I did.
516
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,280
- Does this answer your question?
- Yes, it does.
517
00:29:33,430 --> 00:29:35,530
Oh, hello.
Didn't see you there.
518
00:29:35,810 --> 00:29:37,690
Someone's been in the wars.
519
00:29:37,850 --> 00:29:40,150
- That's just Simon.
- Can he breathe through that?
520
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,190
Of course. It's just
like wearing a mask.
521
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:45,160
At least when someone puts you in
a mask, you've got a safe word,
522
00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,370
like "airbag", or "crayfish".
523
00:29:48,820 --> 00:29:50,750
What's the er..
That thing?
524
00:29:50,950 --> 00:29:53,550
Oh, we made that. It's a head holster.
525
00:29:53,700 --> 00:29:57,430
- Never heard of one of those.
- Yeah, I'll show you. Simon?
526
00:29:57,750 --> 00:29:59,840
You insert the shotgun.
527
00:30:00,380 --> 00:30:02,350
Place on stand.
And.. voilá.
528
00:30:02,500 --> 00:30:04,970
Hands free. I can move around
the studio, do anything I want.
529
00:30:05,130 --> 00:30:08,260
And if something happens..
I don't even have to look.
530
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:10,810
Boom. Hit the target.
531
00:30:10,970 --> 00:30:13,190
Yeah.. well,
you don't need an accomplice.
532
00:30:13,350 --> 00:30:15,320
Well, I've got you now.
533
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:16,980
Yeah.
534
00:30:17,730 --> 00:30:19,820
Thank you.
535
00:30:23,150 --> 00:30:25,320
So you're with the police now?
536
00:30:27,740 --> 00:30:29,740
Oh, this.. no, this is just..
537
00:30:29,910 --> 00:30:31,870
I think it's Velcro.
There you go.
538
00:30:32,030 --> 00:30:33,580
Feck the police.
539
00:30:33,790 --> 00:30:36,330
I think they thought that
if they did take a pot shot at you -
540
00:30:36,500 --> 00:30:38,170
it's a siege, you've got a gun -
541
00:30:38,330 --> 00:30:40,510
that the bullet might pass through you
and hit me.
542
00:30:40,670 --> 00:30:42,920
Unless they use dum-dums,
which explode inside the body.
543
00:30:43,130 --> 00:30:46,260
I said, do not use dum-dums on
Pat Ferrell, Farrell, Ferrell.
544
00:30:46,420 --> 00:30:49,220
Just use a high-velocity round
that passes through his body
545
00:30:49,430 --> 00:30:50,930
because he's a friend of mine.
546
00:30:51,090 --> 00:30:53,940
And I suppose if I want to shoot you,
I can always aim for the head.
547
00:30:54,100 --> 00:30:55,470
Exactly. Exactly.
548
00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:57,940
Um.. I don't even
know why I'm wearing it.
549
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,360
- So take it off.
- I'll happily take it off.
550
00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:01,690
Go on, then.
551
00:31:01,900 --> 00:31:04,300
- If you want me to, I'll take it off.
- Fucking take it off!!
552
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:06,940
Oh, Pat, now you're making
me want to wear it.
553
00:31:07,150 --> 00:31:09,080
This is not my bag.
554
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:10,870
I'm-I'm-I'm.. a disc jockey.
555
00:31:11,030 --> 00:31:13,000
I'm sorry you got the sack.
556
00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:17,410
I'm 55 years old, I should be at home in
bed watching funny videos on YouTube.
557
00:31:18,830 --> 00:31:21,420
"Sneezing panda" or
"Charlie bit my finger".
558
00:31:22,210 --> 00:31:24,550
Have you seen
"Fat woman falls down the hole"?
559
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:30,640
- That's hilarious. Isn't it?
- Yeah.
560
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:32,770
I've seen it before, but, yeah.
561
00:31:32,930 --> 00:31:37,020
That.. That should be fenced off really,
but erm.. I'm glad it wasn't.
562
00:31:37,970 --> 00:31:39,020
Great.
563
00:31:39,270 --> 00:31:42,150
Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to ask,
where are the hostages?
564
00:31:42,310 --> 00:31:44,060
In there.
565
00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:48,620
Oh, my God!!
566
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:51,860
That's like some son of zoo
from Planet Of The Apes.
567
00:31:52,910 --> 00:31:55,530
Danny looks a bit.. bruised.
568
00:31:55,740 --> 00:31:57,740
I lost my temper a couple of times.
569
00:31:57,910 --> 00:32:00,660
- Three times.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was three.
570
00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:02,880
Go and say hello.
571
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:05,890
- Give him a slap yourself, if you want.
- Oh, no..
572
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:09,760
No, I'll just..
I'll just say hello.
573
00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,390
- Alan..
- Look, do the police know we're here?
574
00:32:13,550 --> 00:32:15,180
Alan!! What the hell's going on?
575
00:32:17,100 --> 00:32:19,020
Hey!! Hey, hey, hey!!
576
00:32:19,220 --> 00:32:22,270
Cool it with the cross-talk,
you're professional broadcasters.
577
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:25,060
- I'm not, I'm a writer.
- We'll get through this with each other.
578
00:32:25,230 --> 00:32:28,860
I want everyone to shake hands with everyone else.
Now!! Whether you want to or not.
579
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:30,900
This is ridiculous.
580
00:32:31,070 --> 00:32:32,700
Ow.
581
00:32:32,900 --> 00:32:34,910
Hello, er.. Connor.
582
00:32:37,780 --> 00:32:39,250
- Paper.
- Hi.
583
00:32:39,410 --> 00:32:42,420
OK. Pat will not communicate
directly with the police.
584
00:32:42,580 --> 00:32:44,630
Only through me.
585
00:32:44,790 --> 00:32:48,140
So as of now, I am bullhorn.
586
00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:50,800
- But I think we're gonna be OK.
- OK? He hit me!!
587
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:54,640
Let's not get into who hit who or,
you know, who may have deserved it.
588
00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:56,850
You need to keep him away from me.
Understand?
589
00:32:57,010 --> 00:32:58,730
What I need to do, Danny,
590
00:32:58,930 --> 00:33:01,100
in conjunction with Jason,
is crisis management.
591
00:33:01,270 --> 00:33:03,430
I'm sure he'll agree
there has been plenty of crisis..
592
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:06,230
- But no management.
- Cowabunga. Walk with me.
593
00:33:07,980 --> 00:33:10,450
Alan, you do realise
you're in the box seat here?
594
00:33:10,610 --> 00:33:12,030
You've got the guy's confidence.
595
00:33:12,190 --> 00:33:13,290
Yeah. I don't know why.
596
00:33:13,490 --> 00:33:16,710
I go for a curry with him once a year,
and even then I don't have a starter.
597
00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:18,120
Trouble is, he does.
598
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,250
All I need to know is can
you handle it?
599
00:33:20,410 --> 00:33:21,790
Well, er..
600
00:33:21,950 --> 00:33:24,580
Would you ask that of a man
who'd gone paint-balling,
601
00:33:24,750 --> 00:33:27,920
realised he'd left his goggles at
reception but carried on anyway?
602
00:33:28,130 --> 00:33:29,670
- Why?
- You're looking at him.
603
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:31,840
OK, guys,
quick wa-wa.
604
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,510
Just had a pow-wow with Jase,
upshot is..
605
00:33:35,180 --> 00:33:37,270
I'm gonna be his right-hand
man on this one.
606
00:33:37,470 --> 00:33:40,270
He'll be um.. my left-hand man.
607
00:33:41,010 --> 00:33:42,770
- Er..
- Sorry.
608
00:33:42,930 --> 00:33:45,650
The point is,
Pat has not gone mad.
609
00:33:46,100 --> 00:33:48,700
He has a grievance.
He needs some son of outlet.
610
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:55,080
This is Pat Farrell, welcoming you to Roll
Out The Farrell on North Norfolk Digital.
611
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:57,620
OK. Pat may have..
may have gone mad.
612
00:33:57,780 --> 00:33:59,830
He may have gone mad.
613
00:34:00,370 --> 00:34:03,670
And now we have a text from
Cynthia in Holt, who writes,
614
00:34:03,830 --> 00:34:05,550
Dear Pat, we are sending you a bottle..
615
00:34:05,750 --> 00:34:08,970
- Ma'am, you'd better listen to this.
- ..Of our homemade plum brandy.
616
00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:11,090
We use it to make brandy butter..
617
00:34:11,250 --> 00:34:14,680
- Why am I listening to shit radio?
- That's Pat Farrell, ma'am.
618
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:16,430
He's broadcasting from the siege.
619
00:34:16,590 --> 00:34:19,010
Mm, yum, Cynthia.
Can't wait.
620
00:34:19,220 --> 00:34:21,940
Can you gently remind Pat
that we had an agreement?
621
00:34:22,100 --> 00:34:24,070
You are there to communicate with us.
622
00:34:24,220 --> 00:34:27,730
Listen, I don't know what it says
in your police operation manual..
623
00:34:27,890 --> 00:34:30,610
- ..or in Psycho-babble Weekly.
- Penguin Book of Sieges.
624
00:34:30,810 --> 00:34:32,740
or The Penguin Book of Sieges,
625
00:34:32,940 --> 00:34:35,990
but out here in the field,
it's plenty different.
626
00:34:37,030 --> 00:34:41,200
I've got a guy with a gun and a gripe
to grind, and he say, "No speaky."
627
00:34:41,370 --> 00:34:44,370
I would really like to establish
a dialogue here, Alan.
628
00:34:44,540 --> 00:34:47,710
A simple tri-lateral exchange,
from Pat, to you, to me, to you, to Pat.
629
00:34:47,870 --> 00:34:50,840
- Do you understand?
- No more interruptions or else!!
630
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:53,680
You think I don't have balls?
I've got plenty of balls!!
631
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:56,310
I've got balls coming
out of my arse!!
632
00:34:58,430 --> 00:35:00,850
- Er.. did you hear that?
- Yes.
633
00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:04,270
Well, that's.. that's the
end of the call. Bye.
634
00:35:05,350 --> 00:35:08,190
You are listening to
North Norfolk Digital.
635
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:10,860
Shape.
636
00:35:11,020 --> 00:35:12,740
The Way You Want It To Be.
637
00:35:12,900 --> 00:35:15,280
The way you want it to be
638
00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:18,160
- Where are all my jingles?
- Jason wanted them deleted.
639
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:20,640
- He won't have deleted them all.
- He did delete them all.
640
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:22,450
- He did delete them all, Pat.
- What?
641
00:35:22,620 --> 00:35:25,210
- It was jingle genocide.
- That's not helping, Simon.
642
00:35:25,370 --> 00:35:28,290
The bastard. Alan, take over for me.
643
00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:31,550
- No.
- I'm gonna straighten him out.
644
00:35:33,380 --> 00:35:35,470
Oh, and.. keep it light.
645
00:35:36,170 --> 00:35:38,140
Right, um.. OK.
646
00:35:38,300 --> 00:35:40,720
You're listening to the
Pat and Alan Show.
647
00:35:41,050 --> 00:35:43,180
- Mainly Pat.
- You, Jason. Yeah, you.
648
00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:46,020
We'll be asking.. w-what time..
649
00:35:47,390 --> 00:35:52,900
does mike paper slider
switch to.. to..
650
00:35:53,060 --> 00:35:56,910
to mouse his chocolate cups?
651
00:35:57,070 --> 00:35:59,290
- It doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't make sense
652
00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:04,240
but if you can rearrange to make sense
then you could win.. bins..
653
00:36:04,410 --> 00:36:06,330
and win..
654
00:36:06,490 --> 00:36:07,490
and windows.
655
00:36:07,660 --> 00:36:10,880
- Alan, help me!!
- So that's our win a bin and window,
656
00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:13,830
re-arrange the sentence,
keep it light, competition.
657
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:16,500
Oh, shit.
658
00:36:16,750 --> 00:36:19,130
This is the theme from Ski Sunday.
659
00:36:19,340 --> 00:36:20,840
Sorry for swearing.
660
00:36:21,010 --> 00:36:23,100
♪ Theme tune
661
00:36:26,510 --> 00:36:29,270
I've put up with shits like
you for most of my life..
662
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:39,660
One hour.
663
00:36:40,570 --> 00:36:44,070
And if that jingle isn't word for word
what I just said,
664
00:36:44,240 --> 00:36:48,710
I am going to shoot you in the feet,
then the knees, then the hands.
665
00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:53,210
And basically anything you've
got two of, like your face.
666
00:36:54,250 --> 00:36:56,170
Oh, yeah. Two-faced.
667
00:36:56,330 --> 00:36:58,380
One hour.
668
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:05,850
One hour? This is impossible.
I'm gonna fucking die.
669
00:37:06,010 --> 00:37:07,760
What are we gonna do?
670
00:37:07,930 --> 00:37:09,900
You can't do a top-quality
jingle in an hour.
671
00:37:10,060 --> 00:37:13,060
We can do this. Let me
tell you a story, um..
672
00:37:13,230 --> 00:37:16,610
Back in the day, I was MC-ing a
conference for Reynard Pharmaceuticals.
673
00:37:16,810 --> 00:37:19,320
Some of the marketing guys
were doing karaoke.
674
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,160
I didn't join in,
I tended to shun Japanese culture.
675
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,660
This was the mid-90s,
it was more acceptable.
676
00:37:24,820 --> 00:37:27,920
But high on a cocktail of champagne
and cheap Fosters lager,
677
00:37:28,070 --> 00:37:30,000
I lunged at the microphone.
678
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:32,410
A few minutes later,
I was making grown men cry
679
00:37:32,580 --> 00:37:35,550
with my rendition of Summer Of '69
by Bryan Adams.
680
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,590
Thing is, I twisted the
lyrics to the Summer Of '29,
681
00:37:38,790 --> 00:37:42,090
evoking memories of the Wall Street
Crash and German hyperinflation.
682
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:46,100
- Remember, these guys were in sales.
- Alan, where are you going with this?
683
00:37:46,260 --> 00:37:48,600
The point is, he didn't think
he was any good at singing,
684
00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:50,610
and it turns out he was quite good.
685
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:53,060
- Yeah, that.
- And that if you really, really try
686
00:37:53,220 --> 00:37:54,690
- you can do anything.
- And that.
687
00:37:54,850 --> 00:37:57,400
I don't care!! I'm going to fucking die!!
688
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:01,030
Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your head,
shoulders, knees and toes.
689
00:38:01,190 --> 00:38:04,320
- Knees and toes.
- OK, man up, musos.
690
00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:06,990
- I played synth in a jazz funk band.
- Great, who else?
691
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,120
I used to be the drummer
in Marillion.
692
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:11,380
Really? There's no time for that.
693
00:38:11,530 --> 00:38:14,130
- But wow and great.
- What are you gonna do first?
694
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,380
I'm gonna lay down a rhythm track.
695
00:38:29,090 --> 00:38:30,310
Oh.
696
00:38:30,470 --> 00:38:32,140
Lynn Benfield?
697
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,150
- I am she.
- Do you know Mr Alan Partridge?
698
00:38:35,310 --> 00:38:36,690
OK.
699
00:38:36,850 --> 00:38:38,570
He wasn't stealing crisps.
700
00:38:38,730 --> 00:38:41,030
He just gets flustered at
self-service checkouts
701
00:38:41,190 --> 00:38:43,820
- and takes things without scanning them.
- Miss Benfield..
702
00:38:43,980 --> 00:38:47,910
He doesn't like being told to put things
in bagging areas by automated women.
703
00:38:48,070 --> 00:38:50,670
No, Miss Benfield, we're here
because Mr Partridge is
704
00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,660
currently involved in an armed siege.
705
00:38:53,030 --> 00:38:55,750
- Oh.
- We're informing you as his next of kin.
706
00:38:58,870 --> 00:39:00,170
Take me to him.
707
00:39:02,750 --> 00:39:05,600
♪ Pat Farrell had a loyal following in
708
00:39:06,090 --> 00:39:08,510
♪ The local community
709
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,640
♪ But Goredale Media
fucked him over
710
00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,900
♪ Cos they don't care about loyalty
711
00:39:15,350 --> 00:39:18,100
♪ The only things they give a shit about
712
00:39:18,270 --> 00:39:20,940
♪ Is the profit margins
713
00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:24,200
♪ And if they don't re-instate him
714
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:27,200
♪ He'll take it out on the hostages
715
00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:29,780
♪ Even the ones with kids
716
00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:32,920
♪ Better get yourself some body bags
717
00:39:36,330 --> 00:39:38,050
That was beautiful.
718
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:40,420
- Could you make me some more?
- Ooh. Er..
719
00:39:41,290 --> 00:39:43,260
- Definitely!!
- Yes, maybe.
720
00:39:47,210 --> 00:39:50,560
Local folk trio Will'o-the-wisp
won't be coming in now.
721
00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:54,350
Apparently, there are road closures
in Norwich due to a major police..
722
00:39:54,550 --> 00:39:56,930
Thanks for waiting, Miss Benfield.
723
00:39:57,100 --> 00:40:00,150
We're speaking to anyone who can
help us build a picture of Pat Farrell.
724
00:40:00,310 --> 00:40:01,900
- You said you know him?
- Ah, well..
725
00:40:02,060 --> 00:40:04,610
I made three cakes for
him over the last year.
726
00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:07,700
But there was nothing in them
that would have led him to do this.
727
00:40:07,860 --> 00:40:11,030
- They were very plain.
- That's not one of our lines of investigation.
728
00:40:11,240 --> 00:40:13,240
Just tell us what you know about Pat.
729
00:40:13,410 --> 00:40:16,030
Irish. Shock of brown, curly hair.
730
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:20,170
He's a strong man, with strong arms
and a good walk. Moves well.
731
00:40:20,790 --> 00:40:22,760
- That's very helpful, Lynn.
- Oh.
732
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:24,920
- Thank you.
- Now, how about some coffee?
733
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:27,050
Oh, of course. How do you take it?
734
00:40:27,210 --> 00:40:30,430
No, no, we'll get it for you.
Just sit there, I'll be back.
735
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:32,260
Oh..
736
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:34,430
Wichita Lineman
737
00:40:38,310 --> 00:40:40,480
I hate all this shit.
Telling us how to speak.
738
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,110
They think they're giving us
an identity but they're..
739
00:40:43,270 --> 00:40:44,860
Turning us into nobodies.
740
00:40:45,020 --> 00:40:47,150
We're just unit-shifters
for the money men.
741
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,190
Sounds quite good.
742
00:40:52,570 --> 00:40:56,920
Alan, did you ever imagine
what life would be like in your 50s?
743
00:40:57,200 --> 00:40:59,870
I had hopes and dreams.
I think we all did.
744
00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:02,630
Penny for them.
745
00:41:02,790 --> 00:41:05,210
Keep the penny,
you've got a gun.
746
00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:08,970
But, yeah, I used to dream that one day
I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover
747
00:41:09,130 --> 00:41:10,970
towing a speed boat.
748
00:41:11,130 --> 00:41:14,300
I used to dream about growing old
with someone I love.
749
00:41:15,130 --> 00:41:16,980
Hm. Both valid.
750
00:41:17,140 --> 00:41:19,230
It's not gonna happen now, is it?
751
00:41:24,810 --> 00:41:26,860
I miss my Molly so much.
752
00:41:30,900 --> 00:41:32,990
- Who's this chap?
- That's Molly.
753
00:41:33,900 --> 00:41:35,370
Yes, of course.
754
00:41:37,740 --> 00:41:40,620
She's got such.. brown hair.
755
00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:46,880
A year after that was
taken, the angels took her.
756
00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:51,550
Must have been a few of them.
757
00:41:51,710 --> 00:41:54,640
Now I've nobody.
No wife.
758
00:41:55,340 --> 00:41:57,440
No family. No kids.
759
00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:04,730
I've gotta say, Pat, kids
don't make you happy.
760
00:42:04,890 --> 00:42:08,150
Some of the unhappiest times of my life
have been with my kids.
761
00:42:08,310 --> 00:42:10,360
I remember..
762
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:13,400
a holiday on the
beach in Prestatyn.
763
00:42:13,650 --> 00:42:18,280
The kids came over to me and said,
"Papa, Papa!! Follow me,"
764
00:42:18,450 --> 00:42:20,540
and.. you know..
765
00:42:21,030 --> 00:42:23,910
I followed them about 200 yards
across the sand dunes.
766
00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:28,000
When I got there, finally,
all they'd done was dug a big hole.
767
00:42:29,790 --> 00:42:31,390
Miserable.
768
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,600
Sounds lovely.
769
00:42:42,970 --> 00:42:47,270
♪ And the Wichita lineman
770
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:54,280
♪ Is still on the line
771
00:43:01,910 --> 00:43:03,030
Go-o-o-od morning!!
772
00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:05,120
Crayfish!!
773
00:43:06,910 --> 00:43:08,420
I feel absolutely great.
774
00:43:08,580 --> 00:43:11,710
There's a lot to be said
for a good sleep and a hot shower.
775
00:43:12,670 --> 00:43:13,790
Yeah.
776
00:43:14,590 --> 00:43:16,680
Sleep well, Alan?
777
00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:19,310
Er.. yes, thank you.
778
00:43:20,430 --> 00:43:22,550
As the Shape siege enters
its first morning,
779
00:43:22,720 --> 00:43:24,270
police are refusing to confirm
780
00:43:24,470 --> 00:43:26,570
the number or identities of the hostages
781
00:43:26,720 --> 00:43:28,400
still being held at gunpoint
782
00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:30,400
by sacked DJ, Pat Farrell.
783
00:43:30,850 --> 00:43:32,200
Fellow DJ Alan Partridge
784
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:33,730
is in contact with the police
785
00:43:33,900 --> 00:43:36,200
who are now set up at
the school behind me.
786
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,360
What would you like us to play, Iris?
787
00:43:38,530 --> 00:43:40,160
Always On My Mind by Willie Nelson.
788
00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:41,410
Aw.
789
00:43:41,570 --> 00:43:45,200
I would love to, Iris, but unfortunately
that's not in the system.
790
00:43:45,370 --> 00:43:48,040
We are only allowed
play-approved tracks.
791
00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:51,550
But, Pat, you've got a gun.
You can play whatever you like.
792
00:43:51,710 --> 00:43:54,260
Leave it with me
and I'll see what I can do, OK?
793
00:43:55,380 --> 00:43:57,800
Remember we used to choose
our own records?
794
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:02,060
Yeah. Or put on a compilation album if
you were tired or couldn't be bothered.
795
00:44:02,220 --> 00:44:04,060
Yeah.
796
00:44:04,220 --> 00:44:06,190
You like country music, Alan?
797
00:44:06,350 --> 00:44:07,970
Can't say I do, Pat.
798
00:44:08,180 --> 00:44:11,650
It's just jilted spouses
complaining whilst drunk.
799
00:44:12,190 --> 00:44:14,150
Also known as a date, if you're over 40.
800
00:44:14,310 --> 00:44:16,940
When a listener asks for a song
and I don't have it,
801
00:44:17,110 --> 00:44:19,200
I feel like I've let them down.
802
00:44:19,900 --> 00:44:22,370
And Willie Nelson
was Molly's favourite too.
803
00:44:22,530 --> 00:44:25,960
And Always On My Mind
was her favourite song.
804
00:44:35,210 --> 00:44:37,880
Do you remember that?
The old road show bus.
805
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,300
Remember it? I took my
family camping in that.
806
00:44:40,460 --> 00:44:42,430
- Yeah?
- That was a tough nine days.
807
00:44:42,630 --> 00:44:45,430
You see, this bus brought
joy to hundreds.
808
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,100
I wonder where it is now.
809
00:44:47,260 --> 00:44:50,020
Probably impounded
after it crushed those scouts.
810
00:44:50,180 --> 00:44:52,060
No, no, it's in the basement.
811
00:44:52,230 --> 00:44:53,270
- Oh?
- Yeah.
812
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:55,400
- Did not know that.
- I used.. Oh!!
813
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:58,360
- Forgot the record. Hold that, will you?
- Sure.
814
00:45:09,990 --> 00:45:12,090
- Give me the gun, Alan.
- Yeah.
815
00:45:14,580 --> 00:45:17,210
- The gun, Alan.
- I was looking at my clothes before.
816
00:45:17,380 --> 00:45:20,550
Some people call it gear, don't they?
Others call it an outfit.
817
00:45:20,710 --> 00:45:22,590
But I call it clobber!!
818
00:45:23,670 --> 00:45:25,680
Jesus!!
819
00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:27,440
Alan!! Alan!!
820
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:29,560
Alan!! Alan, give me the gun!!
821
00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:32,060
- Armed police, stay where you are!!
- Give me the gun.
822
00:45:32,230 --> 00:45:33,480
Drop the weapon!!
823
00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:37,530
Alan!!
824
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:39,980
Alan, open the door.
825
00:45:40,190 --> 00:45:43,290
I'm just trying to find
some way to escape.
826
00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:44,490
Alan!! Alan!!
827
00:45:47,530 --> 00:45:48,830
Ayatollah!!
828
00:45:52,290 --> 00:45:53,660
He's got a shooter.
829
00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:58,550
Aargh!!
830
00:46:01,710 --> 00:46:03,760
- You all right, Alan?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
831
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:05,430
Cuddle me, cop!!
832
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:07,270
Argh!!
833
00:46:07,430 --> 00:46:09,050
Target down.
834
00:46:09,220 --> 00:46:10,970
Yours, I believe.
835
00:46:11,140 --> 00:46:13,730
You probably thought I was gay
when I gave you that cuddle.
836
00:46:13,890 --> 00:46:15,270
Don't worry, I'm not.
837
00:46:15,430 --> 00:46:17,940
- You're really cool, Alan.
- Yeah, we think you're cool.
838
00:46:18,100 --> 00:46:20,860
Thank you. Sorry, who are you?
839
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:23,860
Jason Statham.
840
00:46:24,070 --> 00:46:25,290
Jason Bourne.
841
00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:27,540
Jason Argonaut.
842
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,580
- Jason Argonaut?
- Mm.
843
00:46:30,740 --> 00:46:33,340
- It's Jason and the Argonauts.
- Yes.
844
00:46:33,490 --> 00:46:34,670
Are you all right?
845
00:46:34,830 --> 00:46:38,800
You just said, "clobber"
and then "Jason and the Argonauts".
846
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:41,930
- Oh, sorry.
- All right.
847
00:46:42,090 --> 00:46:44,180
- We go?
- Yeah.
848
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:47,180
Oh, er.. by the way,
thanks for not taking the gun.
849
00:46:47,340 --> 00:46:48,760
Oh.. that's fine.
850
00:46:49,090 --> 00:46:51,940
You're listening to Pat Farrell.
This is Willie Nelson,
851
00:46:52,140 --> 00:46:54,140
Always On My Mind.
852
00:46:54,350 --> 00:46:57,600
For someone who's always on my mind,
my late wife Molly.
853
00:46:58,020 --> 00:47:01,110
♪ Maybe I didn't love you
854
00:47:04,440 --> 00:47:07,490
♪ Quite as often as I could have
855
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:14,840
♪ Maybe I didn't treat you..
856
00:47:18,250 --> 00:47:21,000
- Does that man look 59 to you?
- I didn't look.
857
00:47:21,170 --> 00:47:24,340
- I just put his name into Google Images.
- This is Pat Farrell.
858
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:28,300
That is a Pat Farrell.
Do I have to do everything?
859
00:47:29,260 --> 00:47:30,890
Ma'am, you better hear this.
860
00:47:31,050 --> 00:47:33,180
It's taken from the
transcript of the broadcast.
861
00:47:33,350 --> 00:47:35,310
0100 hours. "Partridge:
862
00:47:35,470 --> 00:47:38,570
I wish this was abroad because it would
make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad.
863
00:47:38,730 --> 00:47:40,190
What's Banged Up Abroad?
864
00:47:40,350 --> 00:47:43,480
- You don't know Banged Up Abroad?
- No.
865
00:47:43,650 --> 00:47:45,570
Everyone
knows Banged Up Abroad.
866
00:47:45,730 --> 00:47:47,990
I don't. What
is Banged Up Abroad?
867
00:47:48,150 --> 00:47:50,660
You seriously don't know
Banged Up Abroad?
868
00:47:50,820 --> 00:47:52,040
You have to be shitting me.
869
00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:53,790
I've never even heard of.."
870
00:47:53,950 --> 00:47:57,290
Just get to the bit where they stop
saying Banged Up Abroad.
871
00:48:00,540 --> 00:48:04,170
I once banged up a broad.
872
00:48:04,340 --> 00:48:07,460
That's the best you've got,
even with a gun to your head?"
873
00:48:07,630 --> 00:48:09,970
He's got a gun to his head.
874
00:48:10,630 --> 00:48:13,680
I remember once coming to
in a skip in the middle of the afternoon
875
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:15,470
with my underpants in my mouth.
876
00:48:15,680 --> 00:48:18,520
"Oh, these are not my pants!!"
877
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:22,860
Oh, I can laugh about it now
but, you know, back then..
878
00:48:23,060 --> 00:48:26,360
Sssh, ssh. What's that?
879
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:29,660
Move into position, over.
880
00:48:30,110 --> 00:48:32,030
It's the police.
881
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:35,370
If you like canapés that are on the
turn, we've hit the motherload.
882
00:48:35,570 --> 00:48:39,170
Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure.
Whatever happened to circles?
883
00:48:39,330 --> 00:48:41,710
I mean I've heard of a square meal
but that's ridiculous.
884
00:48:41,910 --> 00:48:43,920
I was just saying
I've heard of a square meal.
885
00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:45,590
Alan!! Alan!! Ssh, ssh.
886
00:48:45,750 --> 00:48:46,880
OK.
887
00:48:47,090 --> 00:48:49,180
- We think it's the police.
- Wait.
888
00:48:50,050 --> 00:48:52,800
- That definitely came from in there.
- That's just a cupboard.
889
00:48:52,970 --> 00:48:54,690
- It's not even an outside wall.
- Careful.
890
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:57,220
- No, Jason..
- I'll protect you.
891
00:48:57,430 --> 00:49:00,980
It's not an outside wall.
Look, I'll show you. Look.
892
00:49:03,140 --> 00:49:04,990
- Michael?
- Aye, aye, Mister Partridge.
893
00:49:05,150 --> 00:49:06,570
What are you hiding in there for?
894
00:49:06,730 --> 00:49:09,860
I found myself a place of concealment,
like when I was on manoeuvres.
895
00:49:10,070 --> 00:49:12,870
Take your light off.
You're blinding everyone you speak to.
896
00:49:13,030 --> 00:49:14,500
- Now it's flashing.
- Sorry.
897
00:49:15,410 --> 00:49:19,250
Michael. You look like some
sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.
898
00:49:19,450 --> 00:49:21,580
- How long have you been here?
- All night.
899
00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:23,350
- What did you eat?
- I had me lunch box.
900
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:25,130
- Where did you go to the toilet?
- No.
901
00:49:25,290 --> 00:49:27,170
I had me lunch box.
902
00:49:27,330 --> 00:49:29,710
Thank God it's got a smoky finish
with an airtight seal.
903
00:49:29,920 --> 00:49:31,760
I tell you what. It
seals in the freshness.
904
00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:34,090
No, Michael. It seals out the freshness.
905
00:49:34,260 --> 00:49:35,810
What is going on in here?
906
00:49:35,970 --> 00:49:38,220
Michael's just visiting
us from the cupboard.
907
00:49:38,390 --> 00:49:39,600
No need to get shouty-shouty.
908
00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:42,060
Did those Goredale bastards
put you up to this?
909
00:49:42,220 --> 00:49:44,900
- No.
- No, no. I've been in here a few nights.
910
00:49:45,060 --> 00:49:46,780
- No, one night.
- No, a few nights.
911
00:49:46,940 --> 00:49:48,780
A few nights this week
and the week before.
912
00:49:48,940 --> 00:49:51,030
- Why?
- Me brother wanted the bed to himself.
913
00:49:51,190 --> 00:49:53,120
Ah, yes.
Michael suffers from night terrors.
914
00:49:53,280 --> 00:49:54,870
He thrashes about like a big salmon.
915
00:49:55,030 --> 00:49:56,370
What's in the box?
916
00:49:57,200 --> 00:50:00,120
Er.. Michael.. Michael
let himself down.
917
00:50:03,160 --> 00:50:05,460
I'm really sorry.
I done a shit in the box.
918
00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:08,720
Well, get rid of it.
Throw it out the window.
919
00:50:11,750 --> 00:50:13,760
Fall back!! Fall back!!
920
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:17,850
Armed police!!
921
00:50:18,010 --> 00:50:19,850
- Identify yourself!!
- Identify yourself!!
922
00:50:20,050 --> 00:50:23,060
Alan Partridge.
Who the f.. Alan Partridge!!
923
00:50:23,220 --> 00:50:25,770
You know who I am.
I haven't been off the TV that long.
924
00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:29,060
- "Identify yourself."
- Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe.
925
00:50:29,230 --> 00:50:31,480
Yeah, tell them to stop
pointing their guns at me.
926
00:50:31,650 --> 00:50:34,650
- Lower your weapons.
- Yeah, lower your weapons.
927
00:50:35,990 --> 00:50:39,120
Take your hand off your gun.
Take your hand off your gun.
928
00:50:39,280 --> 00:50:41,660
And the other hand.
I can wait here all day.
929
00:50:41,870 --> 00:50:43,370
Do as he says.
930
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:46,130
Thank you. Why do you have to
turn it into a competition?
931
00:50:46,290 --> 00:50:48,510
Just because I won. OK.
932
00:50:48,670 --> 00:50:50,340
OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me.
933
00:50:50,500 --> 00:50:52,340
I told you I've got a
very sensitive tummy.
934
00:50:52,500 --> 00:50:53,680
Who are you talking to, Alan?
935
00:50:53,840 --> 00:50:55,890
I've got Pat on the end of
the line in both senses.
936
00:50:56,050 --> 00:50:58,770
I'm tethered to the building via
this rope and relaying messages
937
00:50:58,930 --> 00:51:02,230
from Pat via this state-of-the-art
Sennheiser 1,000 head set.
938
00:51:02,390 --> 00:51:04,440
Nice bit of kit. Yeah, I'm
telling them that now.
939
00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:06,650
If you'd listened, you'd
know I'm telling them.
940
00:51:06,810 --> 00:51:10,310
- Pat says “Hi".
- Hi, Pat.
941
00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:12,570
And hi to your fellow officers.
942
00:51:13,190 --> 00:51:15,160
Hi. Hi, Pat.
943
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:19,460
Alan, listen. Pat works with us here,
this can all end well. OK?
944
00:51:19,610 --> 00:51:21,170
- I give him my word.
- OK, just.. Yep.
945
00:51:21,320 --> 00:51:23,450
OK. Pat, you've got to..
you're rambling.
946
00:51:23,660 --> 00:51:26,710
You've got to be more concise.
What do you want? “I want a helicopter."
947
00:51:26,910 --> 00:51:29,010
That's just an example, by the way.
948
00:51:30,330 --> 00:51:31,880
Yeah, OK. He wants a helicopter.
949
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:34,210
That might not
be possible, Alan.
950
00:51:34,380 --> 00:51:37,050
But let's dialogue.
What else can we do for him?
951
00:51:43,890 --> 00:51:47,060
Pat says, "Fucking stupid pigs.
What the hell's going on?"
952
00:51:47,220 --> 00:51:50,190
Pat, listen to me. That
was not an attack, OK?
953
00:51:50,350 --> 00:51:53,820
We just had to dispose of a box around
the corner in a controlled manner.
954
00:51:54,020 --> 00:51:56,220
Pat would prefer it if you
spoke through me, as would I.
955
00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:59,830
Marlin says they deployed
a remote RV fitted with a disruptor
956
00:51:59,990 --> 00:52:04,120
to neutralise a suspected IED. He doesn't know
what you're talking about. He's quite angry.
957
00:52:04,280 --> 00:52:07,250
He's honking in my ear
like a mad Irish goose.
958
00:52:07,410 --> 00:52:09,290
- Aha!!
- We love you, Alan!!
959
00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:11,920
Um.. do you mind? It's
not a radio road show.
960
00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:15,510
- I'm trying to host a siege here.
- We love you, Alan!!
961
00:52:15,670 --> 00:52:18,220
Get away. Who said that?
962
00:52:18,590 --> 00:52:19,810
What's it like in there?
963
00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:23,850
Ah.. scary, stressful, lots of shouting.
964
00:52:24,550 --> 00:52:27,100
A bit like being married again.
965
00:52:27,600 --> 00:52:30,020
And there's a crazy person
running around with a gun.
966
00:52:30,180 --> 00:52:33,110
So it's a lot like being married again.
967
00:52:33,270 --> 00:52:38,700
And er.. when I saw a guy with a shotgun
in his mouth begging for mercy then..
968
00:52:38,900 --> 00:52:40,950
You're ahead of me.
969
00:52:41,110 --> 00:52:42,590
You're ahead of me. A lot of you are.
970
00:52:42,740 --> 00:52:45,540
He's still got his hand on his gun.
He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you.
971
00:52:45,700 --> 00:52:47,950
- I'm looking at you. Peripheral vision.
- Alan.
972
00:52:48,120 --> 00:52:50,460
I'm not retreating,
Pat's tugging me off.
973
00:52:50,620 --> 00:52:51,840
No, come on.
974
00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:54,630
- We're better than that. Guys, seriously.
- Alan, wait!!
975
00:52:54,790 --> 00:52:57,640
By the way, there's an extra hostage.
Meant to tell you that.
976
00:53:02,340 --> 00:53:04,590
In a surprise development,
DJ Alan Partridge
977
00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:07,890
appeared outside the building,
while tethered to a rope.
978
00:53:08,100 --> 00:53:12,150
Footage of his address is already
one of the most viewed You Tube videos
979
00:53:12,350 --> 00:53:14,450
since "Fat Woman Falls Down Hole".
980
00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:16,530
Mr Partridge, whose Facebook page
981
00:53:16,690 --> 00:53:19,240
lists one of his interests
as hand-to-hand combat,
982
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:23,830
has been acting as mediator between police
and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell.
983
00:53:23,990 --> 00:53:27,790
As people around the world ask,
who is Alan Partridge?
984
00:53:28,990 --> 00:53:31,250
That was a majestic voice.
985
00:53:31,410 --> 00:53:36,540
You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned,
Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.
986
00:53:36,710 --> 00:53:38,260
You are listening to..
987
00:53:38,460 --> 00:53:41,130
- ..the partridge and the poacher.
988
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:46,850
And, what I believe is a world first,
I, Alan Partridge, a hostage,
989
00:53:47,010 --> 00:53:50,610
broadcasting live from
a siege at gunpoint.
990
00:53:50,760 --> 00:53:51,860
Pure class, Alan.
991
00:53:52,060 --> 00:53:56,150
And today, we'll be asking,
what was better in the olden days?
992
00:53:56,310 --> 00:53:58,560
OK, Pat, shoot.
I mean, you know, start speaking.
993
00:53:58,730 --> 00:54:00,150
- Terry in Necton.
- Egypt.
994
00:54:00,360 --> 00:54:02,700
- I'm liking this.
- They used to build the pyramids,
995
00:54:02,860 --> 00:54:04,740
now they can't get you
a taxi to the airport.
996
00:54:04,900 --> 00:54:07,000
Terry, I like the way you think.
Please call again.
997
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,780
- Will do.
- Nicholas in Weybourne.
998
00:54:08,950 --> 00:54:11,200
- Nurses were better in the old days.
- Bull's-eye.
999
00:54:11,370 --> 00:54:14,290
They used to be these florence
Nightingale type figures.
1000
00:54:14,460 --> 00:54:17,250
These days it's just, you know,
short-haired women in trousers
1001
00:54:17,420 --> 00:54:19,010
washing their own hands at a sink.
1002
00:54:19,210 --> 00:54:22,460
Later on, I'll be asking which vegetable
has the greatest torsional strength -
1003
00:54:22,630 --> 00:54:25,800
ie, which can withstand the greatest
twisting load before rupture?
1004
00:54:25,970 --> 00:54:29,310
- Caroline in Sprowston.
- Beards were better in the olden days.
1005
00:54:29,510 --> 00:54:30,810
- Love it.
- Sebastian in Holt.
1006
00:54:30,970 --> 00:54:32,940
- UK manufacturing.
- Good. Good, but dull.
1007
00:54:33,100 --> 00:54:34,980
- Paul in East Runton.
- Kill 'em all, Pat.
1008
00:54:35,140 --> 00:54:36,490
Shoot the women first.
1009
00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:41,320
We'll also be asking, have you ever met
a genuinely clever bus driver?
1010
00:54:41,480 --> 00:54:43,660
I wonder what the listening
figures are for this.
1011
00:54:43,820 --> 00:54:45,910
Yeah. Can you stop drumming?
1012
00:54:46,070 --> 00:54:48,240
OK. Time for fact of the day.
1013
00:54:48,450 --> 00:54:51,200
Fact of the day.
Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.
1014
00:54:52,790 --> 00:54:55,710
- Cows don't have hymens.
- Absolutely correct.
1015
00:54:55,870 --> 00:54:58,470
Cows do not have hymens,
just a partially opened cervix.
1016
00:54:58,620 --> 00:55:00,130
The time is 10:22.
1017
00:55:00,290 --> 00:55:03,890
Right now, to your muster stations.
It's Bryan Ferry.
1018
00:55:04,090 --> 00:55:06,090
♪ Let's Stick Together
1019
00:55:06,260 --> 00:55:08,430
Ah.. that was.. that was er..
1020
00:55:08,590 --> 00:55:10,390
- Very good.
- Yeah. Radio gravy.
1021
00:55:10,550 --> 00:55:11,900
Wow.
1022
00:55:12,050 --> 00:55:14,730
I suppose you forget about the
gun after a while, don't you?
1023
00:55:14,890 --> 00:55:17,110
- No, I don't.
- OK.
1024
00:55:17,730 --> 00:55:18,940
Good.
1025
00:55:25,690 --> 00:55:29,040
Lynn!! Lynn Benfield, can we have a word?
1026
00:55:29,570 --> 00:55:31,620
Oh, Alan doesn't like me
speaking to the press.
1027
00:55:31,780 --> 00:55:34,830
- We're not press. We're television.
- Well, I'm.. I'm not really..
1028
00:55:34,990 --> 00:55:36,840
We've got hair and make-up.
1029
00:55:38,040 --> 00:55:39,210
Oh!!
1030
00:55:39,960 --> 00:55:43,210
Back now to Norwich
where DJ Alan Partridge
1031
00:55:43,380 --> 00:55:46,380
- continues to bring news of the radio..
- Ah, Angela?
1032
00:55:46,550 --> 00:55:49,020
- Someone wants a word with you.
- Who?
1033
00:55:49,170 --> 00:55:50,720
Him.
1034
00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:53,310
Tensions on the Korean
peninsula continue..
1035
00:55:53,470 --> 00:55:55,600
- Why?
- ..Following Kim Jong-il..
1036
00:55:55,760 --> 00:55:57,230
Oh.. shit.
1037
00:55:57,390 --> 00:56:00,440
- .. Vegas, I was doing kind of..
1038
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:02,070
..for anyone's price range..
1039
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:07,820
..mounting tensions in North..
1040
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:23,880
..erectile dysfunction..
1041
00:56:27,090 --> 00:56:29,720
- Inside, Partridge seems unfazed..
- Ah, him.
1042
00:56:29,880 --> 00:56:31,880
- Me on TV. Good photo.
- He tried instead
1043
00:56:32,050 --> 00:56:34,770
to calm the gunman by
joining him in the studio.
1044
00:56:35,300 --> 00:56:37,650
Yes, just your basic disabled loo.
1045
00:56:37,810 --> 00:56:42,230
You've got your lowered seat pan, back pad,
high-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin.
1046
00:56:42,390 --> 00:56:44,150
Alan, calm down. You're
being all hectic.
1047
00:56:44,350 --> 00:56:47,610
This is because you're on TV, isn't it?
You're all puffed up like a robin.
1048
00:56:48,690 --> 00:56:50,110
It's like you can see in me.
1049
00:56:50,280 --> 00:56:54,280
Alan, you didn't bring me in here to talk
about disabled toilet facilities, did you?
1050
00:56:54,450 --> 00:56:56,750
Yeah, I did. No, I didn't.
1051
00:56:59,330 --> 00:57:03,130
Oh, wow. Lynn, you look fantastic.
1052
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:08,680
Good gracious.
1053
00:57:12,550 --> 00:57:15,430
I'm sorry about the nasal whistle.
It's when I'm anxious.
1054
00:57:31,610 --> 00:57:35,740
You know.. You know,
"Shape - the way you want it to be"?
1055
00:57:35,910 --> 00:57:38,280
- Yeah?
- Your shape's the way I want it to be.
1056
00:57:38,450 --> 00:57:40,040
I'm on about your body.
1057
00:57:43,000 --> 00:57:47,170
- What might this be?
- That.. is my damned todger.
1058
00:57:47,790 --> 00:57:51,920
And it's all the fault of
a certain Miss Angela..
1059
00:57:52,510 --> 00:57:54,470
I'm sorry, I don't
know your second name.
1060
00:57:54,630 --> 00:57:58,260
He's very brave.
He was once feeding ducks in the park.
1061
00:57:58,470 --> 00:58:00,560
One took a peck at him and
instead of retreating,
1062
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:02,980
- he hit it with the back of his hand.
1063
00:58:03,140 --> 00:58:06,570
- DJ Alan Partridge..
- Hi. You got time for a quick wah-wah?
1064
00:58:07,480 --> 00:58:09,030
- What?
- Quick wah-wah.
1065
00:58:10,020 --> 00:58:11,700
- Oh, you mean "wa-wa"?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1066
00:58:11,860 --> 00:58:14,080
- Sorry. You just did a different noise.
- Sorry.
1067
00:58:14,240 --> 00:58:18,040
Look.. how are you feeling about this
whole media circus? How you feeling?
1068
00:58:18,240 --> 00:58:19,960
Between you and me, pretty puffed up.
1069
00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:22,920
- Like an owl.
- Let's hope you're a wise one.
1070
00:58:23,080 --> 00:58:26,130
Nice. I pitched it up,
you knocked it out of the park.
1071
00:58:26,290 --> 00:58:28,130
Synergy. Oh, no, that's lesbians.
1072
00:58:28,290 --> 00:58:29,570
Let me tell you something, Alan.
1073
00:58:29,750 --> 00:58:34,130
As far as the press is concerned,
you are the face of this siege.
1074
00:58:35,260 --> 00:58:37,180
- I am siege face.
- Exactly.
1075
00:58:37,340 --> 00:58:40,520
After this, you'll get more offers
than a whore at our Christmas party.
1076
00:58:42,680 --> 00:58:44,900
I like that. Yeah, I like that.
1077
00:58:45,060 --> 00:58:46,860
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1078
00:58:47,020 --> 00:58:49,190
You'd know a thing or two about that,
wouldn't you?
1079
00:58:49,350 --> 00:58:52,570
That would be.. "Mm-hm. Hmm," he says.
That's a moustache.
1080
00:58:52,770 --> 00:58:54,280
Seriously, did you give her one?
1081
00:58:54,440 --> 00:58:58,040
Well, I.. I gave her a ruddy big kiss
she won't forget in a hurry.
1082
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:01,170
Hand on the outside of the bra.
Er.. you know, reconnaissance.
1083
00:59:02,240 --> 00:59:07,120
And then I just held her in my arms because she
told me she never knew her mother, and I said,
1084
00:59:07,330 --> 00:59:10,500
"Well, my mother raised me
and lived to a ripe old age.
1085
00:59:10,670 --> 00:59:13,640
But guess what?
I never really knew her."
1086
00:59:14,590 --> 00:59:17,260
Erm.. and..
1087
00:59:17,420 --> 00:59:19,600
To get back on track, erm..
1088
00:59:19,800 --> 00:59:21,680
Yeah, I mean.. Yeah, whoo!!
1089
00:59:22,260 --> 00:59:24,690
- I like you.
- I like you.
1090
00:59:24,850 --> 00:59:26,900
He likes me, Lynn. Jason
Tresswell likes me.
1091
00:59:27,060 --> 00:59:28,740
- Alan? Are you OK?
- I've got to be quick.
1092
00:59:28,890 --> 00:59:31,190
Pat thinks I've borrowed his phone
to play Angry Birds.
1093
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:34,020
- Of course. What is it?
- A computerised bird-throwing game.
1094
00:59:34,190 --> 00:59:36,360
- No, I meant..
- I'm joking, Lynn.
1095
00:59:36,570 --> 00:59:38,410
Enjoy me. Everyone else is.
1096
00:59:38,610 --> 00:59:41,160
Goredale Media think
I'm some sort of Christ 2.0.
1097
00:59:41,320 --> 00:59:44,580
Do you know, I'm within a brair's headth
of getting the breakfast show.
1098
00:59:44,740 --> 00:59:47,210
I'll call myself the Morning Rooster,
or the Talking Cock.
1099
00:59:47,370 --> 00:59:49,840
- You're not thinking clearly.
- Yes, I am.
1100
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:51,840
Lynn, I'll say this once
and I'll say it again.
1101
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:55,630
My career's getting a shot in the arm and
if I can stay in here to the bitter end,
1102
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:59,640
I will be the biggest thing to come out
of Norwich since.. Lord Nelson or Trisha.
1103
00:59:59,800 --> 01:00:01,350
Think about that and what that means.
1104
01:00:01,510 --> 01:00:03,730
Your priority is the
welfare of the hostages.
1105
01:00:03,890 --> 01:00:05,890
Good - put that out as a press release
and say I said it.
1106
01:00:06,060 --> 01:00:08,180
Alan, your ego's getting
the better of you.
1107
01:00:08,350 --> 01:00:11,820
I've just got to stay alert and focused.
I'm playing them like an oboe, Lynn.
1108
01:00:12,020 --> 01:00:14,110
How effed up is that?
1109
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:17,410
- Alan? Alan?
- Oh..
1110
01:00:39,670 --> 01:00:42,100
Ohh!! Christ's sake.
1111
01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:48,220
Not now. Oh, God.
1112
01:00:49,220 --> 01:00:51,320
I'm caught on the latch.
1113
01:01:04,410 --> 01:01:06,250
Oh, come on. Please.
1114
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:19,510
Stop, armed police!!
Get your hands above your head.
1115
01:01:19,670 --> 01:01:22,090
- I've just got..
- Get your hands above your head!!
1116
01:01:22,260 --> 01:01:24,760
- I want to get those trousers.
- Do it!! Hands above your head.
1117
01:01:24,930 --> 01:01:28,350
- They're my trousers.
- Get your hands above your head now!!
1118
01:01:32,310 --> 01:01:34,560
What are you doing? It's weird.
1119
01:01:36,190 --> 01:01:37,910
There are paparazzi all over the place
1120
01:01:38,060 --> 01:01:40,820
and I do not want them
to get a photograph of my genitals.
1121
01:01:42,940 --> 01:01:46,490
- Oh, come on!!
- That's it, look at me.
1122
01:01:53,370 --> 01:01:55,670
And how were the hostages when you left?
1123
01:01:56,580 --> 01:01:58,960
- Crouched.
- I mean, what's their state of mind?
1124
01:01:59,130 --> 01:02:02,850
Oh. Er.. If I'm honest, a bit moany.
Yeah. Is someone writing this down?
1125
01:02:03,010 --> 01:02:05,350
- Yeah.
- Sorry. I thought you were some clothes.
1126
01:02:05,510 --> 01:02:07,980
Thanks for the forensic
trousers, by the way.
1127
01:02:08,640 --> 01:02:10,640
- Could you just um..?
- Crikey. Yeah, sorry.
1128
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:14,360
I was actually going to fashion a
sort of make-shift modesty sporran
1129
01:02:14,520 --> 01:02:16,690
from the vacant arm flaps.
1130
01:02:21,150 --> 01:02:24,240
OK, I think we're done here.
1131
01:02:24,400 --> 01:02:28,330
Any chance of freshening up? I just need
to wipe my face with a big hot towel.
1132
01:02:28,490 --> 01:02:31,490
Presumably you wanna use me
as part of your media strat?
1133
01:02:33,700 --> 01:02:34,800
No.
1134
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,330
- Do you agree?
- 100 per cent.
1135
01:02:36,500 --> 01:02:37,670
Gotcha.
1136
01:02:38,380 --> 01:02:41,930
The police said you could do media
interviews when the siege is over.
1137
01:02:42,090 --> 01:02:47,010
It will be too late then, Lynn. People
move on. Goredale Media will move on.
1138
01:02:47,930 --> 01:02:49,930
But you're still being talked about.
1139
01:02:50,100 --> 01:02:53,690
Only cos every time I look at the telly,
they're showing a picture of my arse.
1140
01:02:53,890 --> 01:02:57,270
It's all right for you. Every other time I
look, they show a picture of your face.
1141
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,480
And then the next time -
surprise, surprise, my arse again.
1142
01:03:00,650 --> 01:03:02,490
I was only telling people about you.
1143
01:03:02,650 --> 01:03:08,250
You know, I was Goredale's golden goose,
and now I'm just Partridge pie, with peas.
1144
01:03:08,410 --> 01:03:10,830
But why do you want to work
for people like that?
1145
01:03:10,990 --> 01:03:13,670
- Goredale are bullies.
- Yeah. And what do you do with a bully?
1146
01:03:13,870 --> 01:03:16,870
You make friends with the bully
so they bully someone else.
1147
01:03:17,500 --> 01:03:19,880
- "What doth it profit a man.."
- Doth?
1148
01:03:20,130 --> 01:03:24,350
"..If he gains the whole world yet loses
his soul?" Matthew, chapter eight..
1149
01:03:24,500 --> 01:03:27,630
Yeah, I know who wrote it.
I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn.
1150
01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:32,350
I want to, if you like,
lend my soul to Goredale Media
1151
01:03:32,550 --> 01:03:34,150
on a long-term basis for cash.
1152
01:03:34,310 --> 01:03:36,230
It's a very different thing.
1153
01:03:40,980 --> 01:03:42,940
I don't know how
you can look yourself in the eye.
1154
01:03:43,110 --> 01:03:44,610
I can't, Lynn. My nose is in the way.
1155
01:03:44,770 --> 01:03:46,950
You can talk,
prattling away on every news bulletin.
1156
01:03:47,150 --> 01:03:49,500
I mean, who the heck
do you think you are?
1157
01:03:52,120 --> 01:03:54,620
- I'm Lynn Benfield.
- You don't look like Lynn Benfield.
1158
01:03:54,780 --> 01:03:58,160
I mean, what has happened to you,
with your attitude and your hair?
1159
01:03:58,330 --> 01:04:00,080
You've literally become a big head.
1160
01:04:01,290 --> 01:04:03,710
- I like it.
- I take no pleasure in saying this, Lynn,
1161
01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:07,170
but a lot of people think it looks
like a photograph of an explosion.
1162
01:04:08,630 --> 01:04:10,590
I don't know if I want to
work for a man like you.
1163
01:04:10,720 --> 01:04:13,720
I don't know that I want to employ
someone who looks like a madam.
1164
01:04:13,890 --> 01:04:15,230
And I don't mean a Parisian one -
1165
01:04:15,430 --> 01:04:18,480
I mean, one who lives in a terraced
house behind a train station.
1166
01:04:32,450 --> 01:04:35,700
- Doors opening!!
- Armed police!! Armed police!!
1167
01:04:35,870 --> 01:04:39,040
Oh, shut up, will you?
Stop shouting.
1168
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:42,500
- Easy, Pat. Mind the steps.
- I'm able to walk down steps, all right?
1169
01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,710
He means because the gun's
against my head.
1170
01:04:45,130 --> 01:04:48,850
- Everybody has an opinion, huh?
- Hear, hear. Well said.
1171
01:04:49,050 --> 01:04:51,100
- On.
- Hi, Pat.
1172
01:04:51,260 --> 01:04:53,760
Hey, Alan. What happened?
We were in the middle of a show,
1173
01:04:53,930 --> 01:04:55,800
and then your arse is all
over the internet.
1174
01:04:55,970 --> 01:04:58,390
Looked like you had a turkey's head
between your legs.
1175
01:04:58,560 --> 01:05:00,850
No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
It doesn't have a beak.
1176
01:05:01,020 --> 01:05:03,070
And, yeah, I took an executive decision
1177
01:05:03,230 --> 01:05:05,650
to stow my cock and balls up
against my backside.
1178
01:05:05,860 --> 01:05:08,150
I can't believe you left
me with this nutcase.
1179
01:05:08,320 --> 01:05:10,280
Hang on a minute, you're
the one with the gun.
1180
01:05:10,440 --> 01:05:13,070
- See? He's hilarious.
- He's solid. He's solid.
1181
01:05:13,240 --> 01:05:17,620
- Pizzas coming through now, Pat.
- Hey. Hey, hey. Hold on. Helmet off.
1182
01:05:24,670 --> 01:05:26,510
Oh, hello.
1183
01:05:29,170 --> 01:05:31,420
Actually, I want Alan to bring them in.
1184
01:05:33,760 --> 01:05:37,260
That might not be possible, Pat.
Alan's not prepared to do that.
1185
01:05:37,430 --> 01:05:39,480
No.. I am prepared to do that.
1186
01:05:39,640 --> 01:05:42,190
- It's not that simple.
- Do you want me to release some people?
1187
01:05:42,390 --> 01:05:43,860
Sure. Let's talk about that.
1188
01:05:44,020 --> 01:05:46,150
Alan, what do you reckon
if I let the women go?
1189
01:05:46,310 --> 01:05:49,320
Yeah, let a couple of the women go.
Maybe keep Angela.
1190
01:05:49,900 --> 01:05:52,490
- But her kids will be worried sick.
- She's got kids?
1191
01:05:52,690 --> 01:05:55,490
Yeah. Two boys, 14 and 15.
1192
01:05:56,490 --> 01:05:57,990
I believe they're a real handful.
1193
01:05:58,160 --> 01:06:01,130
Yeah, what was I thinking?
Let all the women go.
1194
01:06:01,290 --> 01:06:03,250
Pat, give me five minutes
with head office.
1195
01:06:03,410 --> 01:06:05,880
He's bringing them in now.
Alan, come on.
1196
01:06:06,540 --> 01:06:08,170
- Top one.
- Top one.
1197
01:06:08,380 --> 01:06:11,600
- Yeah, yeah, cheers, guys. Top one.
- OK, come on, son.
1198
01:06:12,960 --> 01:06:14,720
Oh, shit.
1199
01:06:18,550 --> 01:06:20,520
Why did you say hello
to that delivery guy?
1200
01:06:21,640 --> 01:06:26,440
Oh, him? No, he just reminded me
of a man I know called Mike Cable,
1201
01:06:26,600 --> 01:06:30,700
who did my accounts from '97 to '98.
1202
01:06:30,860 --> 01:06:32,610
Actually, no. '99.
1203
01:06:32,780 --> 01:06:34,990
Till he stopped
because his daughter was very ill.
1204
01:06:35,150 --> 01:06:36,910
Yeah, it was touch and go, actually.
1205
01:06:37,360 --> 01:06:40,240
He and Sandra were in bits,
they had to cancel their holiday.
1206
01:06:40,870 --> 01:06:43,000
- It was a fly-drive to Tuscany.
- Hm.
1207
01:06:43,160 --> 01:06:46,790
I must tell him, actually, that there's
a policeman that looks just like him.
1208
01:06:47,170 --> 01:06:48,210
What's that?
1209
01:06:48,370 --> 01:06:51,340
Must tell Mike that there's a pizza man
who looks just like him.
1210
01:06:53,000 --> 01:06:54,680
I'm famished.
1211
01:06:57,550 --> 01:06:59,430
- Ladies, you're free to go.
- What?
1212
01:06:59,640 --> 01:07:01,810
- Yep.
- God bless you, Pat.
1213
01:07:01,970 --> 01:07:03,100
See you. Bye.
1214
01:07:03,260 --> 01:07:05,310
I'll make you a home-made pizza
when you get out.
1215
01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:07,230
Yeah, these pizzas are pretty good.
1216
01:07:10,150 --> 01:07:11,570
- Cinderella.
- Yeah, well..
1217
01:07:11,730 --> 01:07:14,230
No, hers was.. that was
a glass one, wasn't it?
1218
01:07:16,360 --> 01:07:17,990
Here comes the Tin Man.
1219
01:07:27,540 --> 01:07:30,790
- Just trying to find your pizza.
- Well, just give me that one.
1220
01:07:32,170 --> 01:07:33,640
- Hm?
- That one.
1221
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,470
- Which one?
- The top one.
1222
01:07:37,260 --> 01:07:38,880
Oh..
1223
01:07:39,090 --> 01:07:41,060
- I'll take the pizzas.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1224
01:07:44,760 --> 01:07:48,110
Woo-ho, stuffed crust!!
- Thanks for coming back, Alan.
1225
01:07:50,730 --> 01:07:52,950
- What are you doing?
- I'm just seeing how you'll look
1226
01:07:53,110 --> 01:07:56,110
on the billboard for when you start
on The Breakfast Show.
1227
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:59,280
- The Breakfast Show?
- Alan, can I have a word?
1228
01:07:59,450 --> 01:08:02,620
Yeah, sure.
Just bringing the pizza cutter.
1229
01:08:03,950 --> 01:08:05,920
Right, how many do you want.
Six or eight?
1230
01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:07,800
Oh, my God, that's a taser!!
1231
01:08:07,950 --> 01:08:11,050
This is no use, it's a pizza cutter.
And that is not a pizza.
1232
01:08:11,710 --> 01:08:14,930
Thing is, how did it get there?
Erm..
1233
01:08:15,420 --> 01:08:19,140
Unless the pizza company are running
a competition in which you win a taser.
1234
01:08:19,300 --> 01:08:22,350
That doesn't make sense, does it?
Do you realise, it's the police?
1235
01:08:22,510 --> 01:08:26,610
The ruddy po.. Do you know.. They've got
some brass neck for a bunch of coppers.
1236
01:08:26,760 --> 01:08:28,480
I'm actually really angry about that.
1237
01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:30,740
You should keep that as an extra weapon.
1238
01:08:30,890 --> 01:08:34,990
What kind of fool do you take me for, eh?
I'm one step ahead of all of you.
1239
01:08:35,150 --> 01:08:37,280
And I'm just a step behind you, mate.
1240
01:08:38,030 --> 01:08:40,400
- Ooh.
- Never take your eye off the ball, Pat.
1241
01:08:40,570 --> 01:08:41,790
First rule of business.
1242
01:08:41,990 --> 01:08:44,740
Second rule of business,
always be prepared for an opportunity
1243
01:08:44,910 --> 01:08:47,630
when it arises, like I was just then.
1244
01:08:47,790 --> 01:08:48,750
Yeah.
1245
01:08:48,910 --> 01:08:52,380
Course I wouldn't expect you to
understand that. It's Darwinian.
1246
01:08:53,170 --> 01:08:56,170
- You're a runt.
- Is that what you think, Alan?
1247
01:08:58,000 --> 01:09:00,350
I wouldn't quite, you
know, use those words.
1248
01:09:00,510 --> 01:09:02,220
Well, I think.. I think..
1249
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:04,550
The sort of the gist
of what, you know..
1250
01:09:04,720 --> 01:09:06,390
I just don't like bullies.
1251
01:09:07,430 --> 01:09:10,860
- Um.. can I take this off, please?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
1252
01:09:11,020 --> 01:09:13,900
- No, I'm talking to him.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
1253
01:09:14,060 --> 01:09:15,780
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Thank you.
1254
01:09:16,730 --> 01:09:18,150
Are you all right?
1255
01:09:18,320 --> 01:09:21,700
Well, I was worried about the old head
but I think I've got a handle on it.
1256
01:09:22,780 --> 01:09:25,120
- Very witty.
- Alan's a smart cookie, Pat.
1257
01:09:26,700 --> 01:09:30,620
He's treated this whole crisis
like a business opportunity.
1258
01:09:30,790 --> 01:09:35,510
He's taken a look around him and he's
thought, "How can I make this work for me?"
1259
01:09:36,460 --> 01:09:38,300
- Well done, Alan.
- Cheers.
1260
01:09:38,460 --> 01:09:40,880
- Yeah, well done, Alan.
- Thank you.
1261
01:09:41,550 --> 01:09:44,100
You know, you and me,
we've got something going here.
1262
01:09:44,260 --> 01:09:48,600
Pat might be a dinosaur, filling his show
with chit-chat and phone-ins like it's 1983,
1263
01:09:48,810 --> 01:09:49,900
but you're one of us.
1264
01:09:50,060 --> 01:09:53,060
You know radio's just business.
You'll do well out of this.
1265
01:09:53,230 --> 01:09:55,900
And er.. I'll get you a glamorous
assistant with big tits
1266
01:09:56,100 --> 01:09:59,530
to take over from that frumpy old cow
you've got at the moment.
1267
01:09:59,690 --> 01:10:01,410
You know, Mrs fucking Doubtfire.
1268
01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:07,540
Danny, er..
Jason gave me your breakfast show.
1269
01:10:08,570 --> 01:10:10,200
- Yeah.
- Is that true?
1270
01:10:10,370 --> 01:10:12,040
- Well..
- Twat.
1271
01:10:14,500 --> 01:10:16,040
Oh, my God.
1272
01:10:16,210 --> 01:10:17,830
Go!! Go!! Go!!
1273
01:10:19,920 --> 01:10:21,840
Armed police!!
1274
01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:24,430
Armed police!! Everybody stay down!!
1275
01:10:24,590 --> 01:10:28,190
- Stay down!! Don't move!! Don't move!!
- Have you got any scissors?
1276
01:10:28,390 --> 01:10:29,980
Have you got any scissors?
1277
01:10:30,760 --> 01:10:32,140
Armed police!! Armed police!!
1278
01:10:32,310 --> 01:10:34,980
Studio's empty. Where's Farrell?
Where's Partridge?
1279
01:10:40,270 --> 01:10:43,370
♪ Roll out the barrel..
1280
01:10:48,240 --> 01:10:50,790
Get into position,
get in front of that bus!!
1281
01:10:51,580 --> 01:10:55,670
We got three on a bus. Three on a bus.
I want a green light on a sniper now.
1282
01:10:56,500 --> 01:10:58,470
This cannot be happening.
1283
01:10:59,000 --> 01:11:01,420
Jeez, Alan. Look at this.
Quite alarming, isn't it?
1284
01:11:02,250 --> 01:11:03,930
Er.. l think.. I think we'll be fine.
1285
01:11:04,090 --> 01:11:07,310
Thanks for doing this, Alan. I wanted
to stick it to Goredale one more time.
1286
01:11:07,470 --> 01:11:10,060
I don't mind in the slightest, Pat.
Goredale are tits.
1287
01:11:10,930 --> 01:11:15,400
Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae
insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt.
1288
01:11:15,560 --> 01:11:17,980
What are you going to do about
it this time?
1289
01:11:20,440 --> 01:11:22,820
- Start the car!! Start the car!!
- Let's go!!
1290
01:11:28,360 --> 01:11:31,160
Right, let's give them some stick.
1291
01:11:31,320 --> 01:11:33,580
You're listening to Pat and Alan
1292
01:11:33,740 --> 01:11:36,090
with a message for the Goredale Medias
of this world.
1293
01:11:36,290 --> 01:11:40,710
If you think you can take real DJs
and turn them into radio robots,
1294
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:43,250
think again -
because we're gonna get up in your face.
1295
01:11:43,420 --> 01:11:44,340
Great.
1296
01:11:44,500 --> 01:11:48,510
With a big fat slice of road show radio
right here, right now.
1297
01:11:48,670 --> 01:11:50,270
The time is 1:27.
1298
01:11:50,430 --> 01:11:52,140
This is John Farnham
and The Voice.
1299
01:11:52,640 --> 01:11:54,360
♪ The Voice
1300
01:12:02,560 --> 01:12:05,740
Today we're asking, why do
people keep their eggs in the fridge?
1301
01:12:05,900 --> 01:12:09,450
Once again, why do people insist
on keeping their eggs in the fridge?
1302
01:12:09,610 --> 01:12:13,790
And can a binman reasonably expect
a Christmas tip
1303
01:12:13,990 --> 01:12:17,620
when he has point-blank refused
to dispose of a broken toaster?
1304
01:12:17,790 --> 01:12:20,760
- Good question!!
- And that can be today's large question.
1305
01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:23,890
Large question.
1306
01:12:24,840 --> 01:12:29,810
Oh, and we have some travel news.
There's slow-moving traffic on the A149.
1307
01:12:29,970 --> 01:12:32,520
That'll be due to wacky blokes
on a big yellow bus.
1308
01:12:34,510 --> 01:12:37,230
It's competition time, and
we 're playing pairs.
1309
01:12:37,390 --> 01:12:39,110
- Sid on line two. Black and..
- Decker.
1310
01:12:39,270 --> 01:12:40,360
- Spick and..
- Span.
1311
01:12:40,520 --> 01:12:41,520
- Hall and..
- Oates.
1312
01:12:41,690 --> 01:12:42,730
- Egg and..
- Bacon.
1313
01:12:42,900 --> 01:12:44,270
Oh, it was gammon!!
1314
01:12:44,440 --> 01:12:46,490
Can I just say, I
think Goredale are awful.
1315
01:12:46,650 --> 01:12:47,820
Yeah, they are bastards.
1316
01:12:47,980 --> 01:12:50,660
That's why I've washed my hands of them.
You know what I say?
1317
01:12:50,820 --> 01:12:56,870
I always say, "What doth it profit a man if
he gain the whole world yet lose his soul?"
1318
01:12:57,910 --> 01:13:00,290
And people seem to like that.
They really do.
1319
01:13:06,250 --> 01:13:08,760
♪ You're the voice,
try and understand it
1320
01:13:08,920 --> 01:13:11,550
♪ Make a noise and make it clear
1321
01:13:11,720 --> 01:13:13,840
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
1322
01:13:14,010 --> 01:13:17,260
♪ Whoa-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh!!
1323
01:13:17,640 --> 01:13:22,820
♪ We're not gonna sit in silence
We're not gonna live with fear
1324
01:13:22,980 --> 01:13:25,110
♪ Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
1325
01:13:25,690 --> 01:13:27,530
It looks like you've
touched a nerve, Pat.
1326
01:13:27,690 --> 01:13:30,990
These are my listeners, Alan,
ordinary working people.
1327
01:13:31,190 --> 01:13:34,990
They're not working, it's the middle of the day.
Unless they're on flexi-time.
1328
01:13:35,700 --> 01:13:38,790
Oh, look. I used to live in one
of those after my divorce.
1329
01:13:39,490 --> 01:13:41,500
TV, kitchen - very nice.
1330
01:13:42,250 --> 01:13:45,340
Hey, people, I'm looking
at a picture of Goredale Media.
1331
01:13:45,500 --> 01:13:48,090
Honestly, look at that bunch
of corporate mercenaries.
1332
01:13:48,750 --> 01:13:51,850
What's wrong with doing radio
for the love of radio?
1333
01:13:52,300 --> 01:13:54,890
They would do anything
for 30 pieces of silver.
1334
01:13:56,050 --> 01:14:00,180
You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show.
Radio for the love of radio.
1335
01:14:00,390 --> 01:14:03,020
[- Sponsored by Castro].
1336
01:14:04,600 --> 01:14:06,450
Just gonna use the loo.
1337
01:14:22,120 --> 01:14:23,870
- Alan?
- Hi.
1338
01:14:24,040 --> 01:14:26,290
Alan, I want to talk to you.
1339
01:14:27,080 --> 01:14:28,180
Alan?
1340
01:14:52,610 --> 01:14:54,280
Oh, hi, Pat.
1341
01:14:54,440 --> 01:14:56,790
Alan, how did you even get in there?
1342
01:14:56,950 --> 01:15:00,670
Um.. l just removed an aluminium panel.
Slid straight in.
1343
01:15:00,990 --> 01:15:04,340
- Er.. textbook. It's good, isn't it?
- Your voice sounds funny.
1344
01:15:04,540 --> 01:15:08,840
I think the conical shape of the toilet's turned
it into a sort of a compact amphitheatre.
1345
01:15:09,580 --> 01:15:11,840
- It's weird.
- It is, Pat. It's bizarre.
1346
01:15:12,000 --> 01:15:17,640
It is and was a failed escape attempt, a
sort of a Shitshank Redemption, if you will.
1347
01:15:17,800 --> 01:15:20,550
Ah. The Armitage Shank Redemption, eh?
1348
01:15:20,720 --> 01:15:23,770
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha!!
I'm laughing like a drain and I'm in one.
1349
01:15:23,970 --> 01:15:26,270
Shake hands, Pat. Friends.
Friends, Pat, friends.
1350
01:15:26,430 --> 01:15:30,310
Friends? I know what you did,
you fucking snake.
1351
01:15:30,860 --> 01:15:32,570
- "Just sack Pat."
- Huh?
1352
01:15:32,730 --> 01:15:35,080
- You're as bad as the rest of them.
- Pat, be reasonable.
1353
01:15:35,230 --> 01:15:37,950
Before you think of shooting anyone,
just for a second think,
1354
01:15:38,110 --> 01:15:42,540
what would drive a man to incarcerate
himself in the septic tank? It's pathetic.
1355
01:15:43,620 --> 01:15:47,590
- I'm not going to shoot you.
- Thank God for that. That's good news.
1356
01:15:49,620 --> 01:15:51,000
Sweet mother of God, no.
1357
01:15:51,210 --> 01:15:53,300
Oh, angels and saints preserve us!!
1358
01:15:53,460 --> 01:15:55,340
Dear God, let them be firm!!
1359
01:15:57,800 --> 01:15:59,680
Help!!
1360
01:16:00,890 --> 01:16:02,980
Stop the bus!!
1361
01:16:03,510 --> 01:16:06,270
- What's that?
- It's a septic tank. You can have it.
1362
01:16:48,600 --> 01:16:50,690
Oh.. not again!!
1363
01:16:53,480 --> 01:16:55,700
Damn gypsies tampered with the sights.
1364
01:17:04,240 --> 01:17:05,580
Trust me, Susan.
1365
01:17:06,620 --> 01:17:08,370
Ow!! Jesus!!
1366
01:17:13,290 --> 01:17:14,760
Suspect is on Cromer..
1367
01:17:56,040 --> 01:17:58,840
You're a fucking clown, Alan.
1368
01:17:59,000 --> 01:18:00,680
Ah. Hi, Pat.
1369
01:18:03,300 --> 01:18:06,470
I trusted you, Alan.
I thought we were friends.
1370
01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:08,430
- But you let me down.
- Well, I..
1371
01:18:08,600 --> 01:18:11,070
- You got me sacked.
- Over here!! Pat!!
1372
01:18:11,220 --> 01:18:12,850
Look!!
1373
01:18:14,060 --> 01:18:16,060
Oh, shit!!
1374
01:18:17,730 --> 01:18:18,780
What was that?
1375
01:18:18,940 --> 01:18:22,610
I think it was supposed to be
some sort of distraction. Yeah.
1376
01:18:22,780 --> 01:18:24,700
- Brave but pointless.
- Excuse me?
1377
01:18:24,860 --> 01:18:26,990
Oh, God, get back inside. Quick, now!!
1378
01:18:27,160 --> 01:18:30,080
- We want to get down there.
- Do you mind? This is an armed stand-off.
1379
01:18:30,240 --> 01:18:31,660
- Where were we?
- I got you sacked.
1380
01:18:31,870 --> 01:18:33,870
- Yeah, you let me down.
- Pat, listen to me.
1381
01:18:34,080 --> 01:18:35,300
- I've got this.
- Pardon?
1382
01:18:35,460 --> 01:18:37,860
- I said, I've got this.
- How long is it going to go on for?
1383
01:18:38,000 --> 01:18:40,000
- Shut up!!
- He's telling you to shut up.
1384
01:18:40,170 --> 01:18:41,670
- Calm down.
- Didn't get that.
1385
01:18:41,840 --> 01:18:43,460
- Too close to your mouth.
- Calm down.
1386
01:18:43,630 --> 01:18:45,630
- It's too close to your mouth!!
- Did you get that?
1387
01:18:45,760 --> 01:18:46,680
What?
1388
01:18:46,840 --> 01:18:50,720
She's saying, if you put your air rifles
back, you won't be in too much trouble.
1389
01:18:50,890 --> 01:18:53,520
- This is a shotgun.
- This is an air rifle. That's a shotgun.
1390
01:18:54,310 --> 01:18:56,310
We'll leave you to it.
1391
01:18:56,640 --> 01:18:58,650
I surrender.
1392
01:19:07,320 --> 01:19:08,620
Pat?
1393
01:19:10,910 --> 01:19:12,710
Pat?
1394
01:19:13,580 --> 01:19:16,630
- I brought Molly to this pier.
- Happy times.
1395
01:19:16,830 --> 01:19:18,330
I scattered her ashes here.
1396
01:19:18,500 --> 01:19:19,920
Ah.
1397
01:19:20,540 --> 01:19:22,840
Buried at sea.
1398
01:19:23,710 --> 01:19:25,810
Like Bin Laden.
1399
01:19:26,380 --> 01:19:28,480
And now here we are.
1400
01:19:29,510 --> 01:19:31,260
The circle of life.
1401
01:19:31,470 --> 01:19:33,890
Cirque du Soleil.
1402
01:19:36,890 --> 01:19:38,640
Turn your head away.
1403
01:19:38,850 --> 01:19:40,020
Let's just calm down.
1404
01:19:40,190 --> 01:19:42,160
- Pat, come on.
- Turn your head away.
1405
01:19:42,310 --> 01:19:44,240
- Pat, listen to me..
- Pat, you're scaring me.
1406
01:19:44,400 --> 01:19:46,780
- I won't ask again.
- Pat, I need you to stay calm.
1407
01:19:46,940 --> 01:19:49,490
Turn your head away.
1408
01:19:51,240 --> 01:19:58,720
♪ Maybe I didn't love you,
quite as often as I could have
1409
01:19:58,870 --> 01:20:00,220
What are you doing?
1410
01:20:00,370 --> 01:20:08,370
♪ Maybe I didn't treat you,
quite as good as I should have
1411
01:20:08,840 --> 01:20:10,220
Stop it!!
1412
01:20:10,380 --> 01:20:14,610
♪ And if I made you feel second best
1413
01:20:15,140 --> 01:20:18,440
♪ Girl, I'm sorry I was blind
1414
01:20:19,600 --> 01:20:24,150
♪ But you were always on my mind
1415
01:20:25,400 --> 01:20:29,950
♪ You were always on my mind
1416
01:20:32,870 --> 01:20:34,580
♪ Maybe I..
- Pat, are you ready to..
1417
01:20:34,740 --> 01:20:36,840
Shut up, you dick!!
1418
01:20:39,330 --> 01:20:40,670
Pat, what are you doing?
1419
01:20:40,830 --> 01:20:42,670
I want to be with Molly.
1420
01:20:42,830 --> 01:20:43,960
What?
1421
01:20:45,920 --> 01:20:47,840
I want to be with Molly.
1422
01:20:49,170 --> 01:20:51,390
- Pat, don't do this.
- Pat, don't do this!!
1423
01:20:51,550 --> 01:20:53,050
Unbelievable.
1424
01:20:53,220 --> 01:20:55,970
- I can't reach the trigger.
- Pat, come on.
1425
01:21:00,980 --> 01:21:02,980
Would you do it for me?
1426
01:21:04,060 --> 01:21:06,280
Yeah, course I will, mate.
1427
01:21:07,690 --> 01:21:09,790
Course I will.
1428
01:21:12,530 --> 01:21:14,330
It's over, Pat.
1429
01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:17,450
No more hurting.
1430
01:21:18,370 --> 01:21:19,670
Ow!!
1431
01:21:19,830 --> 01:21:20,950
Aaargh!!
1432
01:21:22,330 --> 01:21:24,680
You fucking idiot!!
1433
01:21:26,500 --> 01:21:27,720
Shit.
1434
01:21:28,840 --> 01:21:32,640
- Stay with me, Alan. Stay with me.
- They've blown me to bits, Lynn.
1435
01:21:33,090 --> 01:21:34,690
I feel cold.
1436
01:21:35,800 --> 01:21:39,060
It's all right, Alan. God is with us.
1437
01:21:39,220 --> 01:21:41,480
We had some mad times, didn't we, Lynn?
1438
01:21:42,560 --> 01:21:45,650
There's some blood coming from my mouth,
Lynn.
1439
01:21:46,190 --> 01:21:49,490
- It's just spit.
- Is it? Oh, yeah.
1440
01:21:49,650 --> 01:21:51,990
- Alan, I'm really sorry.
- It's all right, Pat.
1441
01:21:52,150 --> 01:21:54,250
- You've still got the gun!!
- Aargh!!
1442
01:21:57,030 --> 01:21:59,880
Was I a good man, Lynn?
Was I a kind man?
1443
01:22:00,200 --> 01:22:02,050
Very kind.
1444
01:22:02,200 --> 01:22:06,550
I remember when you were defrosting your
freezer and you gave me all that bacon.
1445
01:22:07,460 --> 01:22:09,010
I'm ready, Lynn.
1446
01:22:09,210 --> 01:22:11,930
I think I'm ready.
1447
01:22:12,090 --> 01:22:14,310
Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull.
1448
01:22:15,010 --> 01:22:17,010
Have you come to take my spirit away?
1449
01:22:17,180 --> 01:22:19,680
Go, gull!!
1450
01:22:21,680 --> 01:22:25,030
Gull.. gull.. gull.
1451
01:22:45,540 --> 01:22:48,010
What are you doing?
I'm watching it fly off.
1452
01:22:49,960 --> 01:22:54,140
It's weird, Lynn.
Yours will be the last face I ever see.
1453
01:22:55,470 --> 01:22:57,690
- Oh, good.
- Hi there. You're gonna be OK.
1454
01:22:57,840 --> 01:23:00,890
- I've been shot in the heart.
- Your heart's there. It's your shoulder.
1455
01:23:01,050 --> 01:23:03,180
No, that.. that's my heart. Ow!!
1456
01:23:03,390 --> 01:23:06,060
- Can I have my job back now?
- Yeah, if you want.
1457
01:23:07,190 --> 01:23:08,900
Always On My Mind
1458
01:23:12,820 --> 01:23:15,540
♪ Maybe I didn't love you
1459
01:23:15,690 --> 01:23:18,240
How long have
you been a paramedic?
1460
01:23:18,410 --> 01:23:20,160
- About four years.
- Right.
1461
01:23:20,320 --> 01:23:23,290
And do you start in St John's Ambulance
and then work your way up
1462
01:23:23,450 --> 01:23:25,050
or are they separate organisations?
1463
01:23:25,200 --> 01:23:27,880
- They're separate..
- She can answer for herself, Lynn.
1464
01:23:28,040 --> 01:23:30,460
- They are separate organisations.
- Right.
1465
01:23:30,670 --> 01:23:32,340
- Are you courting?
- Well..
1466
01:23:32,500 --> 01:23:33,550
Not you, Lynn!!
1467
01:23:33,750 --> 01:23:37,730
North Norfolk's best music mix.
1468
01:23:37,930 --> 01:23:40,350
We've had a letter
from Louise in Thetford,
1469
01:23:40,510 --> 01:23:44,810
who says, "I'm sick to the back teeth
of people poking fun at garden gnomes.
1470
01:23:44,970 --> 01:23:49,570
They may be small and strange-faced, but they
bring a lot of pleasure to a lot of people."
1471
01:23:49,730 --> 01:23:53,030
Now, that's a letter, once upon a time
I would have found offensively dull.
1472
01:23:53,190 --> 01:23:54,320
- Yeah.
- Not now.
1473
01:23:54,480 --> 01:23:56,910
So maybe everything that happened
has changed you.
1474
01:23:57,070 --> 01:23:58,790
I think I have changed a little bit.
1475
01:23:58,950 --> 01:24:01,320
Well, for my part,
I was a bit worried about my head..
1476
01:24:01,490 --> 01:24:02,710
- Here we go.
- But um..
1477
01:24:02,910 --> 01:24:06,630
- I think I've got a handle on it now.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good joke.
1478
01:24:07,330 --> 01:24:09,750
You've used that joke
about three or four times now.
1479
01:24:09,920 --> 01:24:12,340
- I don't know if you're aware of that.
- I use it too much?
1480
01:24:12,500 --> 01:24:16,010
I wouldn't say that. I just think
we're in that area and.. you know.
1481
01:24:16,170 --> 01:24:18,170
- What about the hat?
- Good for the bin, I reckon.
1482
01:24:18,340 --> 01:24:20,140
- Lose it?
- Yeah.
1483
01:24:20,300 --> 01:24:23,050
But I think, like you say,
you're coming on leaps and bounds..
1484
01:24:23,220 --> 01:24:24,560
and I think, 12 months' time,
1485
01:24:24,720 --> 01:24:27,220
you'll probably have forgotten
there ever was a siege.
1486
01:24:27,390 --> 01:24:29,560
- What siege?
- Er.. exactly. That's good.
1487
01:24:29,730 --> 01:24:32,070
- You haven't really forgotten?
- No.
1488
01:24:32,730 --> 01:24:36,950
OK, time now for our weekly phone call
with incarcerated DJ Pat Farrell.
1489
01:24:37,110 --> 01:24:40,030
- It's..
♪ Ring-ring from Sing-Sing!!
1490
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:43,570
Hello, Pat. Wagwan!!
1491
01:24:43,780 --> 01:24:45,160
Er.. Hi, Alan.
1492
01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:48,920
OK, this week's question comes from Sue,
a dental hygienist from Grantham.
1493
01:24:49,080 --> 01:24:52,170
She asks, "Prison time is
often referred to as porridge
1494
01:24:52,330 --> 01:24:57,380
but do they actually serve porridge,
and if so, is it compulsory?"
1495
01:24:57,550 --> 01:25:00,720
Yeah, they serve porridge
but you can have other things.
1496
01:25:00,880 --> 01:25:04,060
Thanks, Pat. We'll have another question
for you next week, until then..
1497
01:25:04,220 --> 01:25:06,140
Keep your nose clean, boy.
1498
01:25:10,890 --> 01:25:13,110
The Number One Song in Heaven
1499
01:25:17,230 --> 01:25:20,110
♪ It's number one all over heaven
1500
01:25:20,490 --> 01:25:23,410
♪ It's number one all over heaven
1501
01:25:23,660 --> 01:25:26,630
♪ It's number one all over heaven
1502
01:25:26,780 --> 01:25:29,960
♪ The number one song all over heaven
1503
01:25:30,620 --> 01:25:34,630
♪ If you should die before you awake
1504
01:25:37,250 --> 01:25:41,260
♪ If you should die while
crossing the street
1505
01:25:43,430 --> 01:25:46,650
♪ The song that you'll hear, I guarantee
1506
01:25:48,890 --> 01:25:51,690
Colby, Philip?
If you guys don't dig the sounds,
1507
01:25:51,850 --> 01:25:53,600
sling us your pod, I'll dock it.
1508
01:25:54,480 --> 01:25:56,320
You won't like it.
1509
01:25:56,650 --> 01:25:59,200
Guys, I dig a lot of stuff.
1510
01:25:59,360 --> 01:26:01,160
A good beat's a good beat.
1511
01:26:02,070 --> 01:26:04,200
All The Wrong Places
1512
01:26:06,110 --> 01:26:08,160
♪ All the wrong places
1513
01:26:09,910 --> 01:26:12,080
Sorry, not listening to that.
1514
01:26:12,250 --> 01:26:14,790
♪ It's number one all over heaven
1515
01:26:15,170 --> 01:26:17,920
♪ It's number one all over heaven
1516
01:26:18,210 --> 01:26:21,090
♪ It's number one all over heaven
1517
01:26:21,340 --> 01:26:24,590
♪ The number one song all over heaven
1518
01:26:25,340 --> 01:26:28,690
♪ The song filters down,
down through the clouds
1519
01:26:31,640 --> 01:26:35,140
♪ It reaches the earth
and winds all around
1520
01:26:38,020 --> 01:26:41,570
♪ And then it breaks
up in millions of ways
1521
01:26:43,400 --> 01:26:46,750
♪ It goes la, la, la, la, la la, la la
1522
01:26:47,200 --> 01:26:50,000
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1523
01:26:50,330 --> 01:26:53,250
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1524
01:26:53,500 --> 01:26:56,800
♪ La, la, la la, la la,
la, la, la, la-la-la
1525
01:26:57,120 --> 01:27:01,100
♪ Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit
1526
01:27:04,210 --> 01:27:06,470
For God's sake, if
it's that important..
1527
01:27:06,630 --> 01:27:07,930
All The Wrong Places
1528
01:27:08,090 --> 01:27:10,520
♪ Toe to toe
1529
01:27:11,050 --> 01:27:13,900
♪ We all stand tall
1530
01:27:14,770 --> 01:27:17,320
♪ Row by row
1531
01:27:18,400 --> 01:27:20,690
♪ All eyes glow
1532
01:27:21,480 --> 01:27:23,730
♪ Like a rabbit in the headlights
1533
01:27:23,900 --> 01:27:25,700
♪ Get your head right
1534
01:27:25,860 --> 01:27:28,960
♪ Start a new life
Shiver in the moonlight
1535
01:27:29,110 --> 01:27:32,290
♪ You must embrace it cos
if not you'll waste it
1536
01:27:32,450 --> 01:27:36,210
♪ You're looking for love
in all the wrong places
1537
01:27:41,210 --> 01:27:43,430
♪ All the wrong places..
1538
01:27:47,970 --> 01:27:49,930
Sorry, that is awful.
1539
01:27:50,090 --> 01:27:52,140
The Number One Song in Heaven
1540
01:27:52,300 --> 01:27:54,020
♪ ..or soft as a doubt
1541
01:27:57,180 --> 01:28:00,280
♪ Lyrically weak,
but the music's the thing
1542
01:28:02,860 --> 01:28:05,700
♪ Gabriel plays it, God,
how he plays it
1543
01:28:06,070 --> 01:28:08,910
♪ Gabriel plays it, God,
how he plays it
1544
01:28:09,360 --> 01:28:12,120
♪ Gabriel plays it, God,
how he plays it
1545
01:28:12,530 --> 01:28:15,410
♪ Gabriel plays it,
let's hear him play it
1546
01:28:28,300 --> 01:28:31,180
♪ It's number one all over heaven
1547
01:28:31,510 --> 01:28:34,480
♪ It's number one all over heaven
1548
01:28:34,640 --> 01:28:37,610
♪ It's number one all over heaven
1549
01:28:37,770 --> 01:28:40,990
♪ The number one song all over heaven
1550
01:28:41,600 --> 01:28:45,650
♪ The song filters down,
down through the clouds
1551
01:28:48,280 --> 01:28:52,280
♪ It reaches the earth and
winds all around
1552
01:28:54,490 --> 01:28:57,620
♪ And then it breaks up
in millions of ways
1553
01:28:59,540 --> 01:29:02,920
♪ It goes la, la, la, la, la la, la la
1554
01:29:03,250 --> 01:29:06,090
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1555
01:29:06,380 --> 01:29:09,300
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1556
01:29:09,550 --> 01:29:12,930
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la,
la, la, la-la-la
1557
01:29:13,390 --> 01:29:17,020
♪ Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit
1558
01:29:19,430 --> 01:29:23,230
♪ And in your home it becomes
advertisements
1559
01:29:26,060 --> 01:29:31,540
♪ And in the streets it becomes
children singing
1560
01:29:31,900 --> 01:29:36,030
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1561
01:29:37,370 --> 01:29:42,460
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1562
01:29:44,370 --> 01:29:48,750
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1563
01:29:50,800 --> 01:29:55,890
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la..
127875
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