All language subtitles for The Addams Family (1964) — 2x18 — Fester Goes on a Diet

They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

Tish! That sets my Spanish blood aflame.

Bubele, please.

Bubele.
That sets the rest of my blood aflame.

One, two, fat go away.

Three, four, muscles stay.

Pugsley, darling, what are you doing?

Exercising. She called me fatso.

She?

My girl, Marie.

She said she wasn't going to go
with me anymore

unless I got some muscles.

Muscles? Oh, how vulgar.

Morticia, Gomez.

Hey, Morticia, Gomez.

What do you know, I just got a letter
from my French pen pal, Yvette.

- And she says...
- Uncle Fester.

Please, dear, not now. Later.

We have a little problem.

We caught the boy exercising.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Girls like guys with V-figures.

The only trouble is, mine's upside-down.

Now, Pugsley, dear,

a man's charm comes from inner strength.

Not from outer bulges.

Look at your father,

did you ever see a better example

of inner strength?

And the whole thing
without a single push-up,

pull-up, sit-up, sweat-up.

The entire thing accomplished

through the sheer glory of Zen-Yogi.

Zen-Yogi has made your father
what he is today.

That plus the sheer beauty of his soul.

Darling.

Let's have no more talk
of biceps and triceps.

If you want to be a really attractive man,

do as your father does.

Okay, Mother, I'll try.

Darling.

Oh, just look at him.

Gaining inner strength.

Inner strength and a flat head.

Fester, don't knock anything

until you've really tried it.

How true, darling.

Now, Uncle Fester,
your letter from Yvette.

Oh, forget it.

Gomez, darling, did you hear something?

Just a thump.

Seems to be coming from Fester's room.

I wonder what he's up to.

He'll be coming through the ceiling
in a minute,

we can ask him.

I have a better idea.

You rang?

Yes, Lurch.

Would you go upstairs
and check on Uncle Fester?

There seems to be
a lot of thumping going on up there.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

You thumped.

Oh, Lurch.

I'm in terrible shape.

So I see.

Remember my French pen pal, Yvette?

Folies-Bergere.

She's coming here to visit me.

You can say that again.

She thinks that I'm 6'3"

and built like Cary Grant.

Well, it's not that bad.

I've got a couple of days to get in shape.

But Zen-Yogi isn't gonna do it.

Corset?

Corset! 'Course not.

No.

I'm gonna go on a crash program

of diet and exercise,

but secret.

- Secret?
- Yeah.

You know how Gomez and Morticia
feel about exercise.

They think it's silly.

I'll have to do it early in the morning.

Hey, I'll do it with that guy on TV,

Jack La Lanne.

The muscle man.

He's on at 6:50 in the morning.

What are you moaning about?

I'm the one that's gotta get up

and do it!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Come on, ladies, hit it.
One, two, three, four. One...

Tummies in.

Shoulders back, squat.

Hit it. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. Come on, one, two,

- three, four...
- What is he doing?

He's either dancing to The Late Late Show

or exercising to The Early Early Show.

One, two, three, four.

Hi.

Isn't that Jack La Lanne,

the physical culture fellow?

Never heard of him.

Gomez.

That television set goes back
to the junk man.

Good thinking.

Hey.

I can't get you on TV anymore,

so I decided on a personal approach.

I need help.

You know, you said it was an emergency
and it certainly is.

You know, I've seen
people let themselves go.

But you're almost gone.

Touch�!

Morticia.

Isn't that that television fellow
with Uncle Fester?

I do believe it is.

That's odd having him here.
Fester's up to something.

Darling, have you ever known Uncle Fester
to be sneaky and underhanded?

Only when he was
up to something shady.

Say, what do you generally eat?

Oh, the usual thing.

Eye of newt.

Pur�e of aardvark.

Roast yak.

You know, they say we're what we eat.

And, mister, you really are.

Look, it's all in this booklet.

This is the astronaut's guide.

And whatever it calls for in here
goes double for you.

Roger.

Four, three, two, one. Blast off.

Boy, this exercise makes you thirsty.

Turn it off!

Well, now.

A little punching the bag.

Well, I've stopped punching the bag.

Now, what's the next exercise
in that astronaut book

that La Lanne gave me?

Deep knee-bends.

Deep knee-bends.

All right, you count.
We'll start with about 50.

One.

Down.

More.

I got down all right.

You've got to get me up.

Oh, boy.

Listen to those muscles expand.

Well.

That's enough deep knee-bends.
What's the next exercise?

Chest pulley.

That will be a snap.

Thank you.

Must be stuck.

Yeah. I think I got the hang of it now.

Sure.

Well, don't just stand there, help me.

Now I got the idea.

Let me have it.

My, he was in a hurry.

Lurch, we know we can count on you.

What's troubling Fester?

I think he's trying to tell us something.

Is he in trouble?

He's beginning to weaken.

Is it a money matter?

An emotional disturbance?

A health problem?

We're getting warm. A health problem.

Darling, you're right. Uncle Fester's ill.

Of course, that's it.

It's written all over his face.

Just had to keep probing.

Thank you, Lurch.
Thank you for being so helpful.

Uncle Fester, what are you doing?

Relaxing.

Fester, old boy. Your problem is solved.

It is?

Yes, we're going to have
a doctor here for you in an hour.

- This is the Addams house?
- Yep.

You're going in there?

Good luck, Charlie.

I'm Doctor Motley.

Follow me.

Doctor Motley.

Just a moment, Doctor,
where are you going?

I am going to nail up a quarantine sign.

I can tell just by looking at you,
there's an epidemic in this house.

Really, Doctor,
there's no need for hysterics.

Only one of us is sick.

- Which one?
- Uncle Fester, of course.

Just hasn't been himself.

Oh, I'm not sick.

I just had
a complete physical examination.

Blood pressure, perfect.

Pulse, perfect.

Reaction time, perfect.

Liver, so-so.

So-so?

Well, you can't win them all.

Who performed this examination?

I did. It may not be perfect,

but it saves a lot of time.

Fester, where are you going?

Up to my room to sharpen my scalpel.

- Your scalpel?
- Yes.

If my liver count keeps dropping,

I may have to operate.

Uncle Fester.

As long as Doctor Motley is here,

how about an examination?

Oh.

Need the practice, hey, Doc?

If it weren't for my Hippocratic oath,

I'd turn in my satchel.

You see anything, Doctor?

Yes, I see a face with pince-nez glasses.

Fester's head?

Either in or...

Let's try it from another angle.

Do you still see that face, Doctor?

No, now I see a moose's head.

By george, Fester always did like
to keep an open mind.

You know what I think?

Don't tell me you think
he has holes in his head.

I think you all have holes in your head.

And that includes me.

Poor fellow.

Those long internships do take their toll.

Poor Uncle Fester.

How a man can go to pieces
right before your very eyes.

Not only did he pass up lunch and dinner,
but look at him.

Staring at the full moon

and doing deep knee-bends.

Oh, dear, he is sick.

Usually when the moon is full,
he howls at it.

Darling.

You don't suppose
his problem could be mental.

Possible.

Greater minds than his
have been known to crack.

Remember Cousin Slump?

Yes.

One moment, a brilliant nuclear physicist.

The next, he was running
around Los Alamos

in a three-cornered hat
and a powdered wig.

Dear.

Darling, perhaps I should call
a psychiatrist?

Querida, after our experience
with Dr. Motley?

You're right.

I'll handle this myself.

Do you remember how much I helped you
with your sleepwalking?

You mean to analyze him?

We must reach his subconscious.

Be lucky to reach his conscious.

Darling, we have to try and help him.

But how?

There are ways.

Now, Uncle Fester.

I want you to concentrate.

Concentrate.

Concentrate.

Morticia, you're just wasting your time.

The only one that can hypnotize me

is me. Now, watch.

Sleep.

Certainly doesn't waste time
on preliminaries.

Yes, but I think we ought to make sure
he's really out.

Test his reflexes.

- Reflexes?
- Yeah. With a hammer, you know.

Oh! Oh, of course.

By george, he's really under.

Now, Uncle Fester.

I want you to listen very carefully.

First question.

You've been up to something lately,
haven't you?

Yes.

- Would you care to tell us about it?
- No.

Uncle Fester. Tell us.

What's going through
your poor tortured mind

at this very moment?

Four, three, two, one.

Blast off!

So that's it.

What's it?

We know now
why Uncle Fester has been doing

- all this ridiculous exercising and dieting.
- We do?

Of course.
He wants to become an astronaut.

That's wonderful,
the first Addams in space.

A proud moment, isn't it?

No, it isn't. We can't let him go.

- Why not?
- He's DC.

District of Columbia?

Direct current.

Put DC Fester

in the AC space capsule, and...

Nothing left of Fester
but a plump asteroid.

How courageous.

Willing to blow himself for science.

A true Addams.

He'd set the space program back 20 years.

We must save him from his brave folly.

- But first we better wake him up.
- Oh, yes.

Uncle Fester?

Uncle Fester.

Oh, what we do now?

- You're gonna hit him with that?
- Most certainly not, dear.

Oh, how horrible.

I dreamed I was swimming
the English Channel

and halfway across I sank.

No use trying to conceal it.

I need more exercises.

Hello, Houston?

This is Morticia Addams

and I'd like to speak
to the head of your astronaut program.

He's asleep?

Well, wake him, wake him.

This is a citizen calling.

If he could see you in all your loveliness,

he'd pop out of bed in a minute.

Hello? Hello, General.

This is Morticia Addams.

Now, I don't mean to be critical,

but I do think you're going a bit far
in drafting Uncle Fester

for your next Gemini shot.

Well, not that he isn't
willing to go, of course.

But we do feel...

Yes.

Yes, I do know you have
a moon shot in the morning.

But that's no reason to lure

plump, happy earthlings
like Uncle Fester away.

Now, now, now. General.

That kind of language will not solve
any problem.

I...

General?

What did he say?

I think the phone went dead.

Morticia.

Look.

Good heavens!

The General's language
must have burned up the phone wires.

Things have come to a pretty pass

when a man can't have any privacy
in his own steam cabinet.

Uncle Fester, you can stop
this ridiculous exercising.

You've been released
from the astronaut program.

What astronaut program?

Ours, of course.

Unless you sold out to the Russians.

Boy, are you off-base.

I'm doing this for my pen pal, Yvette.

Exercising for a pen pal?

Sure.

She's from the Folies-Bergere.

And she's gonna come over here
and visit me.

And when she gets here,
I'm gonna be real trim and sexy.

Miss Yvette.

Already? Oh, she can't see me like this.

Nonsense.

Fester, old man, you have to go upstairs
and face the music.

Oh, not with this body.

Perhaps she'll love you for your soul.

Well, that's even fatter.

Come on.

Lurch. Where's our visitor from overseas?

In the conservatory.

Oh, please show her in.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

You know, Morticia, when she sees me,

a great postal romance is going
right down the drain.

Brace up, Uncle Fester.

She'll love you for what you are.

All of it.

Yvette?

Of course, ch�ri, and you must be Fester.

What an interesting couple.

They're almost an interesting quartet.

But I thought you were
with the Folies-Bergere.

I am, I take care of the costumes.

Oh, no wonder she's putting on weight.

If she takes care of the costumes
at the Folies-Bergere,

she doesn't have much to do.

In your letter to me,
you said to go on a diet.

Of course, ch�ri.

But to gain weight, not to lose it.

You are nothing but skin and bones.

Not my type at all.

Yvette, you spoke French!

Of course, ch�ri.

What do you expect
from a French girl, Hungarian?

That's an interesting point.

Well, I must hurry, my cab is waiting.

Keep writing, ch�ri.

Well, if you can't believe
in the Folies-Bergere,

what's left for a fella?

Well, one good thing, Fester,

now you can stop
all that ridiculous exercise and dieting.

Take my advice.
Put your money on Zen-Yogi.

Hey! I did it.

Well, how handsome you both look.

As Grandpa Squint Addams used to say
about Cousin Blob,

two heads are better than one.

That junk man, really a gem,

offering me money to take the set back.

I'm glad it's back.

These moon shots are so exciting.

Yes.

They do stir up the old corpuscles.

Darling, that missile.

Why is its tail wagging?

Oh, I hate to tell you this, querida,

but you've tuned in on Rin Tin Tin.

There. That's it.

Fester, is anything wrong?

Need a little recharging, that's all.

What's going on?

You're just in time for the moon shot.

Oh, that.

I went through
that whole astronaut booklet

from cover to cover.

I could have gone up in that rocket.
I even volunteered to.

But it's not what you know,
it's who you know.

I think they're getting ready
for the countdown.

- Five. Four. Three.
- Five. Four. Three.

- Two. One...
- Two. One. Blast off.

That's the Addams determination.

If I know Fester, he'll catch up.