All language subtitles for The Addams Family (1964) — 1x04 — Gomez, the Politician

They're creepy
and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

MAN: Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

So get a witch 's shawl on

A broomstick
you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

These conventions, they're so exciting!

I remember the first time I voted. 1906.

Now, Mama, you know
there was no woman suffrage in 1906.

- That didn't stop me.
- You're a real Addams.

What's all the noise?

The conventions, Morticia,
the conventions.

I do wish they wouldn't shout so.

It keeps little Pugsley's octopus awake.

The poor thing's getting rings
under his tentacles.

And my African strangler, too.

It just loses all desire to strangle anyone.

Thank you, Thing.

Dear Thing.
It sets such a good example for us.

Show-off.

- Uncle Fester!
- I'm sorry.

Now, you know I don't like
petty jealousies.

Where's Gomez?

He's down in the playroom
hanging pictures.

Oh, dear. I do hope he isn't hanging
the picture of Cousin Grisly

facing the firing squad down there.

It looks so right in the hall.

What are you doing, darling?

Just getting the playroom
into the election spirit.

Is he running again?

No, but I thought I'd bring out
the pictures of the men

we Addamses have supported in the past.

Very appropriate.

- We really backed Landon to the hilt.
- Yes. I must say he was a very good loser.

No better than AI Smith here.

Or Wendell Willkie.

Or Adlai.

Uncle Blight masterminded
their campaigns.

Old "Kiss-of-Death" Blight,
they called him.

I never quite knew why.

Grandpa Squint says
it's an old family nickname.

Grandpa knew his way
around the political arena, too.

Abe Lincoln begged him for his support.
But there's the man who got it.

Stephen Douglas.

Darling, with all this natural
political talent,

shouldn't you be running for public office?

No, we Addamses prefer
to think of ourselves as king-makers.

The man I've decided to throw
my support to, in every way,

is Leonard G. Quimby.

- Howdy, neighbor.
- How do you do?

- Well, I see you've picked your man.
- Yes, I have.

Even heard you made
a substantial contribution to his campaign.

It's only money.

Good.

- George Bass is my name.
- Addams here.

- Is all this yours?
- Well, we go back to the cemetery.

We all do, sometime.

It's nice to see citizens
taking an interest in the election,

even if they have backed the wrong man.

Quimby? Why, he's our insurance man.

Got us off the hook when my son,
Pugsley, accidentally blew up the garage.

But that's neither here nor there.

You're right.

My man promises to modernize the city,

put in more streetlights,
drain the swamps.

- Drain the swamps?
- That and more.

Well, maybe I have been a little hasty.

- Do you have a picture of your man?
- Do I have a picture of my...

There he is, the voice of progress.

That's Sam L. Hilliard.
Why, he's an old friend.

I hope the L stands for Lucifer.

- It does, it does.
- Good. He's a fine man.

Last time he was around here,
he went away with the shakes.

I wonder why.

Overworked. Then you'll vote for him?

We'll do better than that.
We'll go out and campaign for him.

Wonderful! Wait till I tell Mr. Hilliard.

Here.

Welcome, fellow campaigner.

Sorry, Quimby.

You can sprinkle later, Tish.
Take a look at this.

- I could have sworn he was bald.
- My dear. That's another man.

That's our old friend from
the School Board, Sam L. Hilliard.

I've changed horses in midstream.

- That's the Addams way.
- Of course.

The L stands for Lucifer.

Very appropriate for a politician.

But, darling, look at his platform.

"Modernize the city,
put in more streetlights,

"drain the swamps! "
Drain our lovely swamps?

- The man's an extremist.
- Querida mia, our swamps are safe.

Mr. Hilliard won't do any
of those terrible things.

Don't you realize politicians
always make extravagant promises?

Fortunately
I can see through their little games.

Darling, you're so clever.

I'm sure Mr. Hilliard will be very happy
we've decided to join his campaign.

I can just see his face.

No, no, no.
I want no part of that Addams family.

But they're good
for a nice campaign contribution.

You get it.

Look, the public likes personal contact
with the candidate,

you know, the old handshake,
the baby kissing.

You've got to go over
and welcome them officially.

I'd rather lose.

You may, if you don't lay your hands
on some more campaign funds.

- Seriously?
- Seriously.

It's still not worth it.

Community pride,
public service, civic duty.

I wonder if we're doing the right thing.

Don't you want
to save our lovely swamps?

That is a good cause.

- Besides, elections are fun.
- We should vote more often.

How's this one?

That's nice, Uncle Fester,
and very original, too.

- Yours is nice too, my dear.
- Thank you, darling.

- You left the R out of "friend."
- I thought it looked better that way.

By Jove, it does.

I wonder why Mr. Hilliard hasn't called
to thank us for joining his campaign.

Busy, no doubt. That reminds me.

I think I'll send Lurch over and
invite Hilliard to a little strategy meeting.

Our candidate. Welcome.

Mr. Hilliard, how nice of you to join us.

We've been up nights just planning
and planning for you.

What are you planning?

Show him the wonderful sign
you painted for him.

"Everybody's fiend?"

I didn't think you'd notice.

Sit down, Mr. Hilliard, I'll have Lurch
serve some refreshments.

You rang?

- Name it, Mr. Hilliard. Coffee, tea?
- Brew?

Oh, no, thank you.

Won't you sit down, Mr. Hilliard?

Mrs. Addams and I would like to discuss
some campaign strategy with you.

Look, I just remembered
a speaking engagement.

Yes, thank you.

Now then, what's the key
to every successful political campaign?

- Money.
- Exactly.

- Gomez is such a brilliant strategist.
- She really knows me.

Sure, sure. Well, why don't you just
make out a check for, say, $5,000?

- A drop in the bucket.
-$10,000?

-$20,000 or nothing.
-$20,000?

We insist.

- Well, if you put it that way.
- We do.

But more important than money
is how it's going to be spent.

We have some wonderful ideas.

- Like that sign?
- Better.

Well, why don't you just make out a check
and leave the campaigning to us.

But these are sure-fire strategies.

Number one: We wanna get our butler,
Lurch, on television.

We feel he'll appeal to the women's vote.

Camera moves in. It's a close-up of Lurch.

Lurch expresses himself
on the candidacy of Sam L. Hilliard.

Animal magnetism. You can't top that.

Tell you what? Make it $10,000.

Our children can appeal
to the junior voters.

Junior voters? Kids don't vote.

By George, you're right.

How about $5,000?

Gomez, darling, we'll still have
to let the children go on television.

They'll be so disappointed.

Besides, they wrote
such brilliant speeches.

$2,500.

You'll forget all about money
when you hear the song

that Uncle Fester wrote for you.
A campaign song.

-$1,000.
- Uncle Fester!

Uncle Fester, sing your campaign song
for Mr. Hilliard.

- This will kill you.
- Oh, no.

You...

To the harpsichord, Lurch,
we're gonna do the song.

It's the kind of song
that gets you right here.

$500.

Don't be a hog
help clean up the bog

Vote for Sam L. Hilliard

He'll stick to the issue
he may even kiss you

So vote for Sam L. Hilliard

Honest and fearless
Sam L. is peerless

He's a man for
whom we stump.

So don't be a goat
and just cast your vote

For the pride of
our city's swamp

Well, what do you think?

I think we've got more money
than we need.

Uncle Fester can do the song
with special effects, too. He lights up.

Lights up?

Don't worry about the flickering.
We'll have him recharged.

- I better go.
- You haven't seen anything yet.

- Please, I'll give you a little money.
- Nonsense.

- I'm really unworthy of your support.
- Twaddle.

I'm a grafter.

You mean all your campaign promises
are phony?

- As a $3 bill.
- I got a lot of $3 bills.

I'm not going to do anything
about the streetlights.

- The streets stay dark and gloomy.
- Wonderful.

And the bogs and marshes,
I'm gonna make them even boggier.

Capital!

I knew you'd appreciate
my leveling with you.

We do! We do, Mr. Hilliard.

I almost forgot the most important thing.
Our party mascot!

- We don't need a party mascot.
- Yes, we do.

The Democrats have their donkey,
the Republicans have their elephant.

- Guess what we have?
- I couldn't begin to.

We have Kitty cat.

Kitty. Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.

Don't frighten the poor dear.

I'll send you a letter of apology
first thing in the morning.

- Forgot your hat.
- Keep it!

Well, it looks like
we backed the right man.

No question about it.
I'm just sorry about one thing.

- What's that, dear?
- I forgot to register.

"In the course of human events,

"there are many moments
that try men's souls.

"There are moments
of crisis, of tragedy, turmoil,

"doubt. There are even moments..."

I've put Kitty to sleep.

What does it matter, darling?
He doesn't vote, anyway.

No, no, it's my speech.

Let's go through it. Start at the beginning.

-"My friends..."
- Hold it. That'll never go, dear.

- Get right to the issues.
- You're right.

"One of the major issues
of the day is peace."

Well, that's true, dear.
But everybody wants peace.

- Even Mr. Quimby.
- You're right.

"And now, to the matter of taxes.

"Shall we have high taxes?
Or shall we have low taxes?"

- Isn't that a dangerous position?
- You're right.

"Which brings us to the question
of education..."

- Nope, much too controversial.
- You're right.

"Also the question of social welfare?"

"Now we come to the biggest,
the most burning issue of the day,

"the question of..."

- You make that out?
-"Question of swamps."

Oh, yes.

"As to the matter of swamps..."

Darling, the less said about that
the better.

Very clever, querida, very clever.

-"I thank you."
- Well...

I know what you're going to say.

After such an enlightening
and courageous speech,

I shouldn't thank them,
they should thank me.

I agree completely.

Now, you all know
what you're supposed to do?

Lurch, you hit
the swanky Oak Knoll section.

Roger.

- Mama?
- I get off in the business district.

You parade up and down the street with
your placard and you blow your bugle.

Uncle Fester, is your assignment clear?

I sing, light up and pass out $3 bills.

Remember, the secret word is "dignity."

All right, Lurch, blast off.

Don't they make a fine-Looking group?

Mr. Hilliard is as good as elected.

Oak Knoll is in the bag, huh?
Great, keep in touch.

Well, everything looks good so far.

Polls say you're a shoo-in.

I wouldn't be if I hadn't got rid
of that Addams family.

- Please, let's not mention them again.
- You're right.

Now hop on down to the polls
and keep an eye on things.

Right.

- If anything goes wrong, call me.
- Right.

Boss? Bass. You better get over here
to the Fourth Ward.

The Addamses are loose.

ANNOUNCER: As I told you before,
ladies and gentlemen,

we're speaking to you from the busy
intersection of Broadway and Main.

Well, I've seen election campaigns,
but this one beats them all.

Looks like we've done it.

Our on-the-spot broadcast today
features... Wait a minute.

There's candidate Sam Hilliard,
and he's chasing a campaign runner

down the street with a stick!

- Isn't that Uncle Fester?
- Uncle... Yes, he just lit up!

I better return you to our studios KBHL.
I'm beginning to see things.

Thank you, Mel, and there you see...

Why would Mr. Hilliard
chase Uncle Fester with a stick?

Nonsense, dear. Didn't you hear
the reporter admit he was seeing things?

Of course.

Hilliard will probably be along any minute
to express his gratitude.

Boss, you can't go in there. It's suicide.

- That's my mood exactly.
- But...

I've got to get those Addamses
off the street or I'm sunk.

Well, I'm not going in.

That's the first intelligent thing
you've said in the entire campaign.

Get down to the polls
and see what's going on.

Right.

- Bass.
- Boss?

Call my mother
and tell her not to wait up for me.

Good idea.

- Hilliard, we've been expecting you.
- I should think so.

- I'll take your hat.
- No, no, no, I'm holding on to it this time.

Come on in.

- Mrs. Addams...
- Please don't say it.

I will, too, say it!

Mr. Addams and I find expressions
of gratitude so embarrassing.

Expressions of gratitude?

Your election will be our reward.

I'm going to turn this whole thing over
to a lawyer.

- A lawyer?
- Yes.

My card.

Gomez is responsible
for putting more criminals behind bars

than any other man in the United States.

You, a prosecuting attorney?

Attorney for the defense.

Well, I don't need you for my lawyer

and I don't need you
for my campaign manager.

You see, our man's a politician
of the old school.

Not only forgets his campaign promises,
he forgets his campaigners.

I knew we backed the right horse.

Excuse me.

Thank you, Thing. Addams here.
Yes, he's here too.

It's for you. Probably your opponent,
Quimby, conceding the election.

- Only a case of election day jitters.
- I hope so.

- Why don't you answer it?
- You answer it.

Of course, old boy.

Addams here. I'll take the message.

Oh, hello, Bass!

Really? Some of the first returns are in.

Oak Knoll, eh?

Good. I see. Good work, Bass.

- It's a landslide.
- For Hilliard?

For Quimby. 76 to nothing.

- I knew it, I knew it.
- Those early returns.

Of course, the Oak Knoll section,
upper class snobs,

always contrary to the main trend.

I'll get it.

Thank you, Thing.

Darling, you look a little tired.
Why don't you just relax?

Hello. This is Mrs. Addams speaking.

Yes, he's here.

- It's for you again.
- I'm not going near that thing.

I'll take the message.

Oh hello, Mr. Bass. Really?

It's the 9th Precinct.

Well, that's much better.

Hilliard 6, Quimby 1 10.

- See? You're beginning to gain.
- I'm ruined. Ruined!

Come now, Mr. Hilliard,
that's the 9th Precinct.

Nothing but lower class people.
That's not where your strength is.

If that's for me,
I don't wanna talk to anybody.

Addams here. Bass, what's the word?

Come, now, Bass,
you can think of another word.

I see.

Well, the middle class section
is the most important.

- Fine.
- All right, let me have it.

- If I were you, I'd demand a recount.
- Oh, no.

Hilliard 5, Quimby 204.

Not bad, really. You only lost one vote.

I'm sure there's been some fraud.

Yes, Bass admits it.
Too bad they caught him.

I'll get it.

Hello, Mrs. Addams speaking.

Yes, Mr. Quimby.

Mr. Hilliard's here. I'm afraid he can't
come to the phone right now.

What?
Mr. Quimby, I'm sure you're mistaken.

Electronic computers do not vote.

Mr. Quimby is claiming victory.

- Wonderful.
- What's wonderful about it?

Can't you see, old man?
The trap. The Achilles' heel.

The Waterloo of every politician.
Overconfidence.

The poor dear.

The sweet smell of success
must have been too much for him.

I'm so glad you joined
the Zen-Yogi society, darling.

Right, querida.

After a strenuous campaign,
at least you can relax.

Every man should learn to relax this way.

It's a wonderful gift.

- It says Mr. Hilliard is quitting politics.
- Really?

- Must be his health.
- Must be.

Because it says he's thinking
of leaving town, too.

As a matter of fact, it says he's thinking
of leaving the country.

Poor man, I was so sure he'd win.

I guess we got into the campaign too late.

Gomez, I'm afraid we failed.

Not according to Quimby. He says
if it wasn't for us, he wouldn't have won.

What a generous thing to say.

Why, thank you, Thing.

Maybe we should have gotten Thing
into the campaign.

No, I guess not.

Hello? This is Mrs. Addams speaking.

Why, hello, Mr. Hilliard.

Really? Isn't that nice.

Well, thank you. Goodbye.

That was that nice Mr. Hilliard.
He says he's glad he lost.

The Mayor appointed him head of the
School Board. It's a much better position.

In that case, I'm proud to have served.

Alley-oop! Oop!

- Where are you going, darling?
- To the playroom.

To add Mr. Hilliard
to our illustrious collection.