All language subtitles for Southern Charm S08E08 Holy Mutt-rimony 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-NTb_track4_[eng]

Previously on "Southern Charm"...

I don't want
to pursue someone

that is friends with my ex. - Right.

As Austen wondered

if he had a future with Olivia,

she was thinking about moving on.

It's weird
that she's engaged

and this is still a thing.

I'm so just, like, over it.

♪ Just a regular bozo

Meanwhile, Venita was ready to let bygones be bygones.

Felt like
I was communicating enough,

but clearly I wasn't,
so, like, I don't know

what that disconnect is.

But Kathryn, on the other hand,

couldn't let go of her nagging doubts.

So what really went down?

♪ Ba-ba-doo-oo

- Hey, what's up?
- Hi.

And when I met up with Craig

to talk about my awkward conversation with Caleb,

I found myself in an even more awkward one.

I'm picking up Paige
from the airport.

Let's do, like,
a fun night out.

It's just not appropriate.

You can't be, like,
out partying with your ex

if you guys hooked up.

♪ He'll swing this game, don't you know ♪

♪

Speaking of hooking up...

There was a violation
of sorts.

[chuckles]

Pat decided it was time for Little Craig

to make an honest dog out of Peaches.

He has to do
the honorable thing.

Oh, man.

♪ Ba-ba-dee-ee-ee

And there's no time like the present.

When are you thinking
about doing it?

- This week.
- Oh, my God.

♪ Birds and the bees, and the one, two, threes ♪

Mm-hmm.

[pen scratching]

[grandfather clock chiming]

We can do that.

Done.
- I like it that you're

so detail-oriented.
- [laughs]

[bell chimes]

You already have a dress?

Yeah. I mean, I'm the maid of honor.

So what do I wear to this dog wedding?

Anything fabulous.

I don't know
if I like it with the coat.

But, like, without,
this is a moment.

Ooh. Pink is your color.

Should we?

[laughter]

[bell chimes]

There she is. The bride to be.

She's never actually been
properly walked.

She's like a squirrel.
- Hello, Peaches.

This is her first time
on a leash.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- [chuckles]
- Mom doesn't want her, like--

if she goes to Paris,
she doesn't want

to have to worry about
walking it outside the Ritz.

[chuckles]

It's so good the dogs
could get more acquainted

before this momentous wedding.

I'm really excited about it.

Good champagne...
- A proper wedding cake.

Oh, the bridesmaid is Madison.

And Austen's the groomsman.

[both snicker]

Mom wants me to play
the wedding march.

Hopefully she's not dropping
too much.

- I don't know.
- [chuckles]

I guess Mom thinks

either me nor you will be
getting married anytime soon.

The dogs have
a better chance of--

I didn't know
that kept her up at night,

at least about me.
- Sh--.

I don't know, man.
Marriage is a big deal, right?

Yeah, being with
the same woman for eternity.

Yeah,
it's a scary proposition.

I don't know
if I could do it.

Well, it goes back
to the age-old question,

lust versus love.

And lust wins a lot.

You'll never not be, like,
wildly attracted

to somebody that isn't
the person that you're with.

Yeah. I mean, every year
Ferrari comes out

with a new model.
- [laughs] That's true.

It's, like, I don't want
to get married

'cause I don't want
to get a divorce.

You know what I mean?

I don't want to be
a failure in marriage.

You know, I come from a family

that, literally, there's zero divorce.

So the bar is high.
[chuckles]

And if you fail at a marriage,
you've failed.

You've failed at something.

It's not something anybody
wants to say they did.

But Taylor's fantastic.
So what am I gonna do?

I have no idea.
[chuckles]

Has she given you
a timeline?

No, no, not at all.

- Really?
- Not at all.

I'll--
I'll ask her about that.

- Yeah, please do.
- [laughs]

I'm sure she wants to talk
to you about that.

[Peaches growls]
- Ooh, there's some other dogs.

[Peaches barks]
both: Uh-oh.

Danger. Ooh, she's vicious.
Look at that.

- [giggles nervously]
- Damn.

He's like,
"I'll put up with any sh--."

God, Craig.

Yeah, you're
in trouble, Craig.

Yeah, Craig,
you're in for a long one.

Serious trouble.

[bell chimes]

Hi. - Do you have a reservation?

There are gonna be three of us today.

Three? You got it. - Yes.

I hate being the first person

'cause then you awkwardly
sit here

and stare at the menu.

♪

- Hi!
- Hey.

Aren't you a sight
for sore eyes.

How are you?
- Good to see you, my dear.

You look beautiful,
as always.

So do you.

Oh, and we're finally getting
a fall.

I know, right?
I--I like it today.

both: Hi.
- How are you?

- Good. Good to see you.
- You look so cute.

- You look so cute.
- Hello. How are you?

Hey, very fall.
I love your outfit.

I know.
Well, you remind me

of the good old days
of summer.

[both chuckle]
- I--I love that hair.

I'm feeling
that ice queen color on you.

- I know.
- Are you loving it?

I was thinking
about actually going

back to red soon, actually.
- Well, I love your red.

Hi, ladies.
all: Hi.

I'll be taking care
of y'all today.

Can I do
the hearts of romaine?

And then I think
I'm gonna do a Paloma.

Good one. For you?

I'm gonna do
the autumn greens.

And then which one
would you recommend?

Spicy Pineapple-rita.

- You said spicy so I'm in.
- All right.

I'm gonna do
the Mussels El Fuego.

And then also Tickled Pink.

- Okay.
- 'Cause I'm just tickled pink

to be here.
- [chuckles]

You got it.
I'll be right back.

- Thank you.
- I'm excited.

I know.
This is fun to do,

like, a girls lunch--brunch.
- It is.

- So how are things going?
- [giggling] Yeah.

- Dun, dun, dun.
- Mm! Y'all, Marcie set me up

on a date for the wedding--
the dog wedding.

What?
Who is this guy?

Did she tell you
anything about him?

She just said it was, like,
a friend of her and John's.

I love Austen. I think he's great.

[laughs] You and me both.

He needs to fish or cut bait.

You want to try
to set her up?

Yeah.

Sign me up.
[chuckles]

Do you think
I should tell Austen

about my date,
just, like, as a head up?

- No.
- I mean, he didn't ask you...

- To be his--
- As--to go with him.

Mm-mm.

I like those glasses.

[snorts] That is such, like,
a Harry Potter thing to do.

You know?

You know, it's funny,
now that I mentioned it,

is that Harry Potter had
"broken" glasses

the whole thing. - Yes.

Like, fix them, bro.
You're a wizard.

And also, he's the only one

that wore glasses
in, you know, the whole series.

It--it doesn't make
any sense.

Like, why is he the only one
with sh---y vision

in the wizarding world?
Anyways--

So...

I'm, you know, talking
to someone.

You know, you met Olivia,
right?

Yeah.

And there's definitely,
you know, something there.

But I don't know.

I just want to continue
having fun. [chuckles]

Yes.

Me?

Messy?

Ugh!

Do you want this
to end like this?

Hello?

This is ----ing...

- This is ----ing bullsh--.
- Madison!

Madison!

No one that I am interested in
will be friends with...

- I'm not friends.
- Her.

Why do you think
I'm friends?

♪

Yeah, okay, Gandhi.

Thank you for your sage wisdom.
[chuckles]

Tell me
about this wedding thing.

You're not going?

No. I was not invited.

So this was
Patricia's idea...

To do a wedding for the pups.

- Little Craig and--
- And Peaches.

Oh, let's have our dogs
marry each other.

[chuckles]

You can come over to my house.

I'll--I'll host a lavish event.

It's just so pathetic.

Guys, we're talking
about my future mother-in-law.

[laughs]

Coming up...

Should we give him
marriage advice?

"Freely admit fault
and actively rebuild trust."

Ugh, that sounds awful.

[jarring note]

[bells chiming]

[instrumental music]

♪

♪

[yawns]

I sleep so much better
when you're here.

All I heard was...[snores]

- I didn't know I snored.
- Yeah. Very loudly.

- And it doesn't keep you up?
- No.

I put a pillow over your head.

I'm just kidding.
[chuckles]

Laugh. That was funny.
- [clears throat]

♪

You gotta really scrub him.

- I'm scrubbing.
- Well, he stinks.

Craig, you have to smell
good today.

Your girlfriend's becoming
your wife.

Craig, are you nervous?

Because basically life
is over?

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, he got us.

We deserve it.
- [chuckles]

♪

This might be too pretty
for a dog wedding.

I might save this for people.

- Olivia.
- Hi.

- Where are you?
- In the closet.

That's pretty.
What are you doing with that?

Okay, so I'm going
to a dog wedding.

A dog wedding?

- Yeah. [chuckles]
- Really?

It's not--it's, um, Ms.--

Does the dog know
he's getting married?

[laughing] No, I don't know.

Do you want to take Marla
with you as your guest?

Oh, my gosh,
I should take Mar.

Actually, speaking of date,
Marcie, who's Shep's cousin,

she set me up
with, like, one of her friends.

I've had friends
want to set me up on stuff

and I've gotten out of it,
'cause I'm awkward like that.

But this is the first one

that I'm actually gonna
go through with.

I shouldn't feel weird
taking a date

with Austen there, right?

- Oh, he's gonna be there?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I liked Austen.
I don't know.

I don't think so.
Like, Austen and I

aren't official.

If I was in your shoes.
I'd play the field

more or less.
- See, you've been giving me

that same dating advice
for years now.

I'll wait till Mom gets home
for dating advice. [chuckles]

♪

- This way?
- And then move the whole thing

a little--just a hair to you.
Right there.

[electric guitar playing]

- Are you excited today?
- I am excited.

It's not every day
that your dog gets married.

[both chuckle]

I know it's silly,

but people love weddings,
they love dogs.

And it's an excuse for a party.

[chuckles]

♪

Whoo. Hello.

- Hey, there she is.
- Hi.

- The maid of honor.
- You look beautiful.

- Wow, I love that dress.
- Thank you. You like this?

Whoo!

You know.
How are you feeling?

- How's my makeup look?
- You look wonderful.

Was it raining
when you came in?

A little bit.
But it's okay.

- You want a sip?
- Yeah.

- [chuckles]
- You don't mind?

- No.
- Whoo.

Pre-wedding jitters.

Yeah, that'll do it.

[both chuckle]

♪

- Aah.
- Try this one.

I like this one.
- But how do you know

what it's gonna look like
on your face?

- Look how deep the thing is.
- [chuckles]

I used to run that palette
in the ground, okay?

Right, so you obviously
liked it at some point.

We gonna make a way
out of no way, okay?

We gonna pull
this look together.

- What are you doing?
- Mommy's gonna just finish

her hair really fast.

Are you gonna be good while
Mommy goes and comes back?

Yeah.

I don't think
dogs like popcorn.

♪

It looks way better now

than it did
at the ----ing party.

[bell chimes]

My boobs look alive.

- Hey! [chuckles]
- Hi!

Aw.
both: How are you?

- Thanks for having me.
- God, it's cold.

- I know. And I wonder...
- I love what you're wearing.

Outdoor--thank you.
It's cozy. [chuckles]

Yeah. [chuckles]

Hello.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- I'm Zach.

Nice to meet you.
- I'm Olivia.

- Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.

- Hi, you look dapper...
- Good to see you.

- As always.
- Look at you two,

matching right there.
both: I know.

- Yeah, everybody's got blue.
- I went green.

So a little opposite.
- Yeah. [chuckles]

You want a drink?
We have beer, wine...

- Wine sounds perfect.
- Sprite. [chuckles]

- All right.
- No one ever takes me up

on my, like--
my non-alcoholic stuff.

I'm like, "We also have, like,
apple cider, Sprite--"

They're like,
"Yeah, I'll take the wine."

- [giggles]
- I thought about w--

I thought about wine.
But the I was thinking

about you when I thought
about wine.

♪

Considering this is
my first official blind date,

I am pretty pleased
at what I'm seeing so far.

I think he's very handsome.

And he's tall.

And he's got a great head of hair.

So far, so good.

Wait, where'd y'all meet again?
You told me.

both: Pickleball.
- That's right.

And we were gonna ask you,
do you know

how to play pickleball?
- No, but I would love to play.

- Yes!
- Do you have

a tennis background?
- Yes.

- Yes!
- I'm very good at tennis.

There we go.
One more partner.

- Recruit me, please.
- All right, we're playing.

Cheers really quick.

Thank you everyone
for coming over.

This will be a good day.
And for--

- Cheers.
- For little Peaches

and Craig's wedding.
- Yeah.

I hope they have a prenup.
[both chuckle]

If they don't have a prenup,
Little Craig is scoring.

Yeah.
[all laugh]

♪

Craig, he just farted.

♪

Craig, that is so rude.

- Get it all out now, buddy.
- Ugh.

- Get it all out now.
- [chuckles]

Should we give him
life and marriage advice?

Never go asleep angry.

Just go to sleep.
[chuckles]

"Freely admit fault,
humbly asking for forgiveness,

and actively rebuilding trust."

Ugh, that sounds awful.

Craig, you do
whatever you want.

♪

I'm just--I'm getting
a little quick snooze in.

Gonna be a long day.

Yes, it will.

Coming up...

Actually, we were set up
a little bit.

- Yes.
- Oh.

- Who is it?
- It's Olivia's date.

[bell chimes]

[upbeat music]

♪

So we're expecting
guests to arrive

in the next 15 minutes.

Randy will pass champagne.

And if you guys
will just continue

to pour that for him...

- Yep.
- That'd be great.

Okay.
- Good boy.

All right, buddy.

Oh, my gosh, this is so cute.

Aw, look.
- [chuckles]

This is beautiful.

- Hi. How are you?
- How are you?

You look so pretty.

Oh, my gosh.

Wow.
- I know!

Aw, man. I hate weddings.

Every frickin' girl
has this syndrome

that Disney frickin' drilled into them.

You know, the Cinderella,
the Snow White, the--

the Prince Charming
on the horse.

And it's screwed up,

because there's
no Prince Charmings.

I guarantee you,
the more perfect they seem

the more screwed up they are.

Are you gonna wear
this jacket?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I can't--I think so.

- Where is Ms. Pat?
- She's getting ready.

both: Oh.
- How pretty.

Such a sweet thing.

Her dress is better

than any wedding dress
I ever had.

Yeah. Honestly, I'm thinking
this wedding might be

nicer than mine.
- [chuckles]

I've been married three times.

I was married in a church.

I was married on a megayacht.

And I was married
in a Fifth Avenue apartment

by a Supreme Court judge.

Okay, let's see
if she can walk.

[both laugh]
- Good luck on her veil.

Obviously, it would be nice

if it was Whitney walking down the aisle,

but as long as it's
a member of the family,

right now I'm happy.
[chuckles]

We're gonna do
a quick practice.

Okay, show me.

So we'll line up over here.

First up will be Austen.

He'll walk down and he'll stand
about right here.

Then Madison will walk down
and do the same thing.

Then you two will walk
Little Craig down.

- Walk down where?
- Down the aisle, babe.

Uh-oh.
He's gonna pop the swan.

Oh, no.
Yeah, he will pop the swan.

- Craig, no!
- No, Craig.

[chuckles]

No, no, no.

Come here.
This is your day.

- Little playboy over there.
- [chuckles]

Little Craig learns
from the best.

- [chuckles]
- Here, Craig. Come here.

♪

Craig, sit.

Sit. Sit, buddy.

- Ooh, good boy.
- That's your spot.

Hey.
Wow, I like that jacket.

- Thank you very much.
- Are you excited...

- Don't you look beautiful.
- About, um, being--

You look beautiful as well.
Are you excited

about being, uh, in-laws?

Uh, it's, uh--
it's my life's dream.

Yeah, we're now bond--
bounded. Binded?

- Bound.
- We're bounded.

Hog-tied. [chuckles]

Hey, Dr. Berger.

How you doing, man?
- He's officiating the wedding.

- This is the vet?
- Thanks for doing this.

- You're welcome.
- Hey. I love your tie.

Thanks.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm just gonna do
a sound check.

♪

[electric guitar playing]

- You look beautiful.
- You look beautiful.

♪

That's it.
That's it.

That's exactly what you needed.
That's perfect.

All right.

Hopefully I can remember
it again.

- Hey!
- All my favorite people.

How are you?
- Hi.

- Yay, Craig, who is it?
- [chuckles]

Are you so excited?

Come on.
- Oh, my goodness.

Little baby Charles.
- Hey, girl.

I want to cry.
He's so cute.

[laughs]

Taylor, if you start crying
because of a dog,

I don't know
what to do with you.

Oh, my God, Charles.

Does someone have a napkin?

I am embarrassed.

[chuckles]

Naomie.

- Hi.
- Just a little chilly.

Yeah,
just a little bit freezing.

You look beautiful.

- Thank you, you too.
- How are you?

It's really good to see you.
- Hi, hi.

Would you like
some champagne?

- Sure, thank you.
- Hi, Charles!

- Say hi to Naomie.
- Hi, mister.

Oh, my God, his little tux.

You look like a--a vision.
- Thank you.

You know, maybe one day
I'll get married.

Yeah, well, I'm right there
with you, sister.

Okay, Craigie.

- Craig, come here.
- Come here, bud.

Aw, he looks so cute.
- Oh, boy.

Also, that's
the honeymoon suite.

The little dog house
over there.

I wanted to bring them
some dog toys

for the, um--
the wedding night.

[laughs]

Hello.
Oh, hi!

Were you under there...
- Don't you look glamorous.

How are you?

- Hello, how are you?
- This is beautiful.

Thank you.
- Okay.

Whoo.

♪

Craig, come here.
- Ay, the best man.

Hey, bud. Hi!

Hey, look, I got
a little top hat for him.

- Good.
- The best man is here.

We'll save the top hat for
when he walks down the aisle.

You get champagne?
That's what I would like.

Thank you.

- Here she is, maid of honor.
- Whoo.

Look at you, girl.

[giggles]

You look like a mermaid.

Thank you.

I was thinking
more like "Frozen."

[chuckles]

You know,
came out of the water.

Hi. How are you?
both: How are you?

- How's the bride doing?
- Good to see you.

She's, uh, a little nervous,
but she's doing great.

I knew that that's what was gonna happen.

Oh, boy.

When Shep asked me to be the best man.

You know, I was like,
"Great, so now I have to be

on the altar with--
you know, with Madison?"

Then once they say
their "I dos,"

you and Madison,
Little Craig, and Peaches

will all walk out together.

This is my nightmare.
But okay, yes.

- It'll be great.
- Being anywhere near an altar

with Madison. Okay.
- It's gonna be

super sweet and fast.

You'll--you know what to do.
- Wow, okay.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Oh, man.
- What--would you not?

Oh, there's pews.

Look at Shep in his getup.

- Good to see you.
- Hello.

I've got a wedding gift
for Little Craig...

- Oh, well, thank you.
- And Peaches. [chuckles]

I won't look at it now.
That's rude.

How are you?

- Hi.
- Congratulations.

Good to see you.
Thank you.

- What's up, man?
- Hey, Shep. Nice to meet you.

- This is Zach.
- How are you?

♪

- Where's Peaches?
- Inside getting blown-out.

Getting her makeup done?
I love it.

Go ahead. Just embrace
the ridiculousness.

Hi. Yes.
Thank you so much.

♪

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Zach, this is Naomie.
- I'm Zach.

Naomie. Nice--
I'm sorry, my hand is frigid.

- That's all right.
- Oh, my whole body is frigid.

Wait, so how do you guys
know each other?

- We were--
- Um, actually, we were set up

a little bit.
- Yes.

- Oh!
- This is--

- We know John and Marcie.
- Marcie and John.

Oh.

♪

Um, who is that?

He called me
a couple days ago and said

that he had some pretty lady
to go on a date with.

And of course I said yes.
- [giggles]

♪

Who is it?

It's Olivia's date.

♪

He's a--he's a handsome man.

♪

- Coming up...
- Oh, my God, look at Peaches.

♪

Oh, no!

[bell chimes]

[upbeat music]

[Little Craig barks]

- Runaway groom.
- Uh-oh.

Craig! Craig!
It's just a wedding.

You can always get a divorce.
- Shep.

Thank you so much.

When do we get to see Peaches
in her dress?

Um, as soon as it's time.

- [clicks tongue] How long?
- You know, she can't be

out here in the mud.
- No.

- Hey, pretty in pink.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- How are you doing?

[Charles barks]

Wait, are we not gonna
see Peaches

until it's, like, time?
- Yeah, just like

a proper wedding.
- Okay.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry.

Olivia, he's so cute.
- Yeah, so--

Thanks.
[all giggle]

I'm a fan.

This is so ridiculous,
but I--

like, I'm all here for it.

Like, I'm not even
being cynical, yeah.

Hi. How are you?

- I'm good. How are you?
- Great.

- Good. Thank you.
- Dog wedding.

- Dog weddings...
- So really, like,

where you step up to the plate.

Yeah. [chuckles]
- Yes, yes.

And this is the best man?

- Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay, who is your date?

Uh, Marcie and John
set me up with him and--

- He seems really cool.
- Yeah.

I guess.

Yeah.

It's one of those things where you say

you want them to date
in the hopes

that they don't really go out
and date.

And she just did what I told her to do.

I can't expect you,
by the way,

to, like, not go on dates,

like, 'cause I'm moving
at, like, a snail's pace.

[sighs]

Is it awkward
that Austen's best man

and you're maid of honor?
- I mean...

I didn't even think
about that.

Sure, 'cause he won't
even say hello.

What changed between
when y'all were, like, fine

at my house...

Look, I brought you
a Trop Hop.

Thank you.

- And today?
- I--I got engaged.

♪

Hello.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
get this drink...

- Well--
- And, uh, make my exit.

Thank you.
- Okay.

So weird.
- Okay. Thank you.

- Don't make it awkward.
- I know.

What's--what happenin' to him?

It's awkward, but it's...

Y'all, I feel awkward
around Craig, now.

- Why?
- I think he's just trying

to, like, draw clear boundaries
and respect Paige.

So he's trying to, like,
avoid you?

Maybe.

It probably looks insane
that I'm trying

to be friendly with him
and friends and stuff

when he has a girlfriend.

But I thought
Craig and I were cool.

Beats me.

I don't think many people
have been to a dog wedding.

[both chuckle]
- Such a Charleston thing.

Oh, jeez.
- No, this is

some rich people sh--
if I've ever seen it.

I need to figure it out,

because I don't want, like,
to cause him any problems.

- Is Craig not coming?
- Oh, there they are.

♪

Oh, my gosh, there's pews.

Well, I'm gonna go
get ready for the bride.

- I'm excited.
- This is nicer

than my wedding's gonna be.
[both chuckle]

Hey, buddy.

[chuckling] Hi.
- Oh, my gosh.

Paige, are you freezing?

I'm freezing.

Like, you don't have
a jacket, sis.

No, I didn't know that it was
gonna be, like, raining.

- Do you want my jacket?
- I'm so cold for her.

Yeah, that would be great.

Oh, my God,
Paige is gon--freezing

- Can we--should we go inside?
- I'm, like, cold for you.

Somebody give Paige
their jacket.

Y'all, somebody give--

Craig, give her your jacket.
- Yeah, you're--

Paige, you need a jacket.

We're gonna peer-pressure
someone into giving you one.

In fact, everyone,
I'm gonna give her my jacket.

Okay.

What is going through
Naomie's head

where she thinks
that she knows what's best

for me and my girlfriend?

Should I give her--
like, I have two on.

- It's fine.
- Okay.

After the big scene
Naomie made over it.

I don't think she's getting it.

Like, this is not
respecting boundaries.

You want your hair out?
- Yeah, thank you.

Okay. - Here, let me help you.

I'm gonna put this on.

- Oh, I love that.
- That looks so good.

Is it raining right now?

It's sprinkling outside.

So we're gonna try
to do the ceremony

before the big clouds come.

What about our hair?
[chuckles]

Is Little Craig here
or did he chicken out?

Little Craig is here.

I can't believe it's raining.

[bell chimes]

[upbeat music]

Ooh, thank you. Yes.
[chuckles]

I'm good, thank you.

[electronic feedback]

Come on.

I mean, it's working now.

But it's just
a bit temperamental.

Go ahead and take a seat
for the ceremony.

It's time to start.

Everybody, we're gonna go ahead

and take a seat
for the ceremony.

- Oh.
- These are petals to toss

once Craig and Peaches
say "I do."

Craig! Not you.

- Okay.
- Four-legged Craig.

Let's get this ceremony
out of the way

so everybody can start
having fun.

Austen,
go ahead and tuck away.

We're gonna line up.
- Okay.

Um, can I have this umbrella?

- Doesn't look great.
- No? Okay.

Oh, my God,
I used the bathroom,

and the toilet seat's
like a lawn chair.

- Yeah, it's--
- I sat on it.

Yeah, it's wild.

Am I walking, like,
really slow-fashioned like?

Can we just sit?

Kind of squeeze down.

Shep and Taylor have
to fit right here.

- Yep.
- So y'all get close.

- [coughs]
- Watch out, everybody,

here comes the bride.
- [laughs]

Oh, my God, Peaches.
Hi, honey!

Look, Peaches, there he is.

Don't look.
Don't look.

- Aah.
- It's starting to come down.

[ominous music]

Oh, darling, it's raining.
I need an umbrella.

Dogs hate rain, too,
you know?

- I know.
- So, Madison,

you're right behind Austen.
- Okay.

Are we almost there?

We're waiting on Whitney.

- Damn it.
- Knock 'em dead.

Oh, my God,
what a disaster.

Are you just gonna keep
that umbrella?

- Maybe I'll just keep it.
- I w--yeah.

I know.
Erica said that I couldn't.

She said it looked bad.

That's
'cause she didn't like you.

[laughs]

Why are you the way
that you are?

You're the one being weird.

Are you serious?

Lord have mercy.

Literally love
that you take photos like this.

- I need to go.
- Yo, it is ----ing raining.

Let's go.
- Come on, Whitney.

Okay, as soon as Whitney
starts playing,

we'll start walking.
- Okay.

[organ playing "Wedding March"]

[electric guitar playing]

Aw.

[laughs]

- Y'all, this is--
- I like it.

Like, this is what I want
for my wedding.

- I know.
- Oh, no.

Through the aisle, right?

Yes, you go
through the aisle.

Oh, wait, why did Dr. Berger
go down the left side?

Is that--are you not going
down the middle?

Are we not going
down the middle?

- No, we do go down the middle.
- You're going down the middle.

- The pastor always goes down--
- Okay. Go down the middle.

- He knows. He knows.
- The pastor doesn't go

down the middle, babe.
The pastor goes on the side.

- What the [BLEEP] do I know?
- You ever been to a wedding?

I have never cared
about where the pastor was.

Hey, remember,
you're sitting on the right.

♪

Do we need to stand?

Not until the bride.

Oh, my God.

♪

[chuckles]

- Austen, call him.
- He's nervous.

- Go.
- Come here.

Just sit down, Craig.

- Congratulations.
- Yeah.

- Congratulations.
- [indistinct]

[laughs]

They really grow up so fast.

♪

Can you put Peaches down
for me?

Hold--yeah.

My wrist went to sleep.

♪

Oh, my God,
look at Peaches.

- Oh, we have to stand up.
- Look at Peaches!

Oh, boy, here it is.

[Peaches whines]

[dramatic music]

Oh, no!

♪

Oh, sh--!

Coming up...

You know our girl's in town.

Mm-hmm.

["Wedding March" playing]

[electric guitar playing]

Oh, my God, look at Peaches.

- Oh, we have to stand.
- Look at Peaches!

Peaches!
- Come on.

- Charles!
- No, no, no!

He's got
a last-minute rejection.

- What?
- Charles!

What? Oh.

- No!
- [indistinct]

Fred, Fred, Fred.

- Runaway bride!
- This dog is wearing a dress.

[chuckling]

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

Craigie, sit down. Sit.

Oh, where's the hat?
Aah! I forgot.

- Can you not hold him?
- No.

You're just worried
about your suit.

- Yes, I am.
- Who would have ever thought

we'd see Madison and Austen

at the altar together?
[both chuckle]

I do kind of feel bad
for Austen.

I think he's in
kind of a sh-- situation.

But I'm just gonna have my fun with Jake.

Oh, my God.
[laughs] It is Zach.

[laughing] Stop the ceremony.

[laughs]

Okay.
It's okay.

- Welcome.
- You need to sit, Craig.

Sit, little boy.
- I'll sit with you.

We got this.

Welcome, everybody.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

for the joyous occasion
of uniting

these two fine canines...

- She is so beautiful.
- [laughs]

In holy muttrimony.

[laughter]

If it were Shep and I getting married,

he wouldn't sit still
to listen.

He would probably look at the pastor and be like,

"Can you hurry up?
This is, like--

this has gone on
for five minutes too long,"

and, you know,
we started a minute ago.

I'm just--I'm a big
skip the wedding,

go to the reception guy.
[chuckles]

Though we all know
this is a shotgun wedding,

we should take a minute
to realize

that, like dogs,
love makes messes

and leaves you little surprises
here and there.

Love needs
lots of cleaning up after,

and sometimes you just want
to get it fixed.

In your cases,

I've already taken care
of that.

[chuckling]

Being at this dog wedding,

it makes me kind of excited
to maybe one--

one day stand up there
as humans with Paige.

I'm a romantic at heart,

and I've always wanted to live that rom-com life.

So it's kind of cool
to get excited

about a possible wedding
and all that fun stuff.

With that being said, do you,
Little Craig and Peaches,

take each other to have
and to hold,

to share your toys,
and never get jealous

when other dogs sniff
your private parts

at the dog park?
[laughter]

If so, I pronounce you
as doggie husband and wife.

Go sniff and kiss.

- Here we go.
- Yay!

[applause]

[cheering]

Peaches is having an affair
with that other dog.

I know, I know.
Very obvious.

She looked at him
the entire ceremony.

Nothing like dog adultery.
[laughter]

- Yeah.
- Charles, it's all right.

- The drama is real.
- Charles is like,

"You didn't need
to marry for money."

You did a good job.
I'm proud of you.

[bell chimes]

Okay, now we're gonna go eat cake.

Let them eat cake.

Don't you look glamorous
this evening.

Feel my hands.
I can't feel them.

- You cold?
- Freezing.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- Did you see the cake-toppers?
- Those are cute.

And then an armadillo?
What's that for?

That's like
in "Steel Magnolias."

It's very southern
for the bachelor cake...

- Ooh.
- To have an armadillo cake.

- That's funny.
- Yeah.

- Um, it's very, like--
- Let me go get Randy

to cut the cake.
- What did she say?

Very typical--[laughs]
- I don't know. I never saw it.

She said it was
in "Scarlet Magnolias."

- "Steel Magnolias."
- Steel, man.

Whatever.

- My dog is next.
- Yes.

After Peaches
and Little Craig get a divorce.

- That's--
- [laughs]

Where's your mans?

Oh, he's hanging out
with John.

You really like him,
like, actually?

I mean, I haven't gotten
a chance to, like, know him.

Regardless of what happens,

I want to meet people
and go out.

Like, so it's so sweet--
- And he's fun.

And funny.
- He's so fun. He's so cute.

Like, I'm having a good time,

and I love that
you set that up, seriously.

Okay, what's--

- Olivia brought a date...
- Okay.

And Austen's been straddling
the line

of, like, should I date her,
should I not,

which is typical Austen.

Okay, he's a weirdo,
'cause the other day

he was like, "Yeah, I can't
wait to, like, hang out

with Olivia again."

Like, he wants
to hang out with her.

No, I know.

With me and Paige,
we were in kind of

a slightly similar situation

that Austen's in
with Olivia now.

But it only lasted, like,
two or three months.

And as soon as we knew
that we wanted to be together,

that's what we did.

And that's why none of this makes any sense.

So if you don't want
to date her,

you shouldn't care
if she has a date here.

But you do care
that she has a date here,

so you should date her.

I'm drinking
Jack and Coke now.

[laughing] Oh, boy.
You having a rough day?

- I never drink that. Ever.
- What?

- Oh.
- Yeah.

She brought a date?

- Yeah.
- You don't care?

- I mean, I do care.
- Okay.

Well, part of my little plan
was, like,

"If you don't make a move,
someone else will."

And he didn't hear me.

And so I made sure
that now he can see it.

You're gonna either, like,
go for the girl or you're not.

I mean--
- Well, then looks

like I'm not.
- Well, why not?

- Why--why would I?
- Why are you, like--I mean--

You're a ----ing moron.

This is the girl you're gonna lock down

or she's gone.

Hey, guys,
we're gonna come join.

- Oh, cute.
- Did we interrupt?

- No.
- Okay.

- No.
- Not really.

[tense music]

- That was a nice wedding.
- Yeah.

Our duties are now done.
- Over. Done.

Did you get any inspiration?

Yeah.

- Marriage is poison.
- [laughs]

- I'm kidding.
- You know what?

I have something
to pick a bone with you about.

What could you possibly want
to dog on me for still?

Nothing bad.

You know, but I was just--

earlier, I was like, "Hi,"

and then you immediately,
like--

Why do you care
if you and I are cool or not?

No, I was just wondering
why you couldn't say hello.

Because there's no reason
for us to talk, Madison.

There's just not.

Everything that you do is,
like, a subtle dig at me.

You can't help it.
- Can you give me any example...

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Of what I've done

to dig at you?
- I feel like I need to be

a therapist right now.

I'm just trying to make sure
that her titty don't pop out.

At your--your, like,
announcement, right,

you're like...
- Where's the popcorn?

You know, in typical
Madison fashion,

"Well, the only ex
that I have is my ex-husband."

And it's like, "Okay."
- Wait, what?

- Oh, Lord.
- Say that again.

I couldn't understand you
with your fake accent.

Well, that's you
every day of your life.

- Oh, wow.
- I can't hear you either.

[sighs]

What--what's going on

that there are altercations
at a dog wedding?

Craig, have a seat.

I think this is a conversation
we need to break into.

- Oh, yeah?
- [chuckles]

- [grunts]
- So what do you think?

Did that put you in the mood?
- What? The wedding?

- The wedding.
- It did.

The wedding was cute.
- It's fun and silly.

It was adorable.
It was so cute.

Naomie, come sit over here.

- Where? [chuckles]
- Sit here.

Can we see you?
You're so far back.

Scrunch over, Craig.

Sit here. Yeah.

- Hi, Craig.
- What's up?

Great wedding.

I asked Craig
if it put him in the mood.

Yeah, it kind of did.

- Ah, thanks so much.
- It's been fun.

It's been a lot...
- [chuckles]

♪

It's like you can't help it.

You just can't help it.

And then you try
to make it seem

like it's my fault.
You're like,

"I thought you were bigger
than that now."

Right.

That's the definition
of gaslighting, by the way.

The exact definition of it.

- [sighs]
- Come sit. Come sit.

- [chuckles]
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, God.
- I'm gonna get up.

Do you want to switch
spots with me?

- Nope, I don't.
- Are you okay?

- Oh, God.
- No. Nope.

♪

How was Craig?
Was he weird?

He--he's awkward.

Like, just now, like,
he was trying

to interact normally,
and then he remembered,

I think,
that Paige was right there.

So it's just weird.

I'm just tired
of this awkwardness.

I certainly don't want
Paige to think

that I'm after her boyfriend.

I'm not trying to get
with Craig--

at least anymore.

- Are you okay?
- It's, like, I had to sit

at the altar with her...

Olivia brings a date...

I'm just--I'm just 0 for two.

You know our girl's in town?

- Huh?
- Our girl's in town.

- You're cute.
- You're cute.

- Mm-hmm.
- Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, she's sleeping
on my couch.

♪

Coming up...

You made me feel uncomfortable

when I was dating Mitchell.

You left
a loving relationship

to be with
a controlling asshole

who cheated on you.

I said to Pat, I said, "I love your ring."

She goes, "Second husband."

I mean, you gotta teach me
how to get my first, baby.

[laughs]
You may not want your first.

- [laughs]
- Thank you. Okay.

Stop attacking me.

Tequila makes me, like,
pee myself.

- Cute.
- Not necessarily gonna

do that today.
- Oh, I'm turned on.

- I'll stick to beer.
- Way to pick 'em.

[both chuckle]

Where should we go to dinner?

Like, the ring, the dress, the...

Little lumberjack chic
over there.

[laughs]

♪

Austen should really sit down
with a therapist.

To do something purely out of revenge

is probably not
the right thing to do.

I'm not a cake fan,
but that is really good.

And the icing is really good.

But you gotta sit up.
You gotta sit up.

You know, so you don't look
like you're slouchin'.

- But we are slouches.
- [chuckles]

Cute.
- We're incredible slouches.

- Hi.
- What's up?

- Have a seat.
- Um, do you want to chat,

like, quickly--
casually, quickly.

I'll--I'll give you
guys space.

About what?

Well, I can't tell you
until we chat,

but it's very quick.

It's not a big deal, Craig.

Go chat.
Oh, my God.

What are we doing here?
What is this?

What happened?

I have to go talk to Naomie.

All right.

Hey, the exes are always
gonna feel a little, uh--

A little
like they missed out?

- Yeah, that's kind of a--
- That's how it goes.

Yeah. Her loss, right?

Well, my gain.

I'm telling you,
if this is gonna be serious,

I'm gonna walk away.

It's--it's not
a ----ing big deal, Craig.

I'm balancing

being respectful
and kind to Naomie--

I'm not trying to be a jerk--

but, like, pulling me aside at a group event--

it's just weird.

So what's the problem?

Um, I feel like you feel
awkward around me a little bit.

No, it's a respect thing.

It's still, like--
you have to understand

how it makes somebody feel--

We're not just exes.

We hooked up recently.

The problem is that I feel
like when you and I

are, like, around each other,

sometimes,
you act a certain way,

and then other times--

Naomi, if you're trying
to insinuate

that I act differently
around you

when my girlfriend's here...
- I'm not!

Than when I'm not...

No, that's not
what I'm saying.

Okay, but that's
what it sounded like.

Can you listen to me?

Then say it correctly.

[tense music]

The only thing I was trying
to ask you is

if I make you feel uncomfortable

in the way that you made me
feel uncomfortable

when I was dating Metul,

because when I was dating Metul

and you and I
were around each other,

I thought that I was not
allowed to interact--

Because you were
with someone

that was controlling
as [BLEEP].

Right.

So that's what I'm trying
to say.

When I was in your position--

No, you were never
in my position.

You left a loving relationship

to be with
a controlling asshole

who cheated on you.

In that meantime,
your boyfriend that loved you

for a long time moved on.

So you can never compare
the position that I'm in

with a very loving girlfriend

with the position you were in.

So what would you like to say?

Because honestly, Naomie,

you don't, like,
affect my life anymore.

You just don't.

[dramatic music]

Ready?

- Ready.
- Okay, let's just go.

♪

On the next episode of "Southern Charm"...

We've been fighting
so much.

We should just take a break.

I'm just gonna leave, okay?

- Yeah, you should.
- All right.

Party's here.
Now we're cooking.

Welcome to Auldbrass.

We're here! - Ooh, wow.

Oh, my gosh. Wow.

This is
a Frank Lloyd Wright house.

Wow. - Ooh!

Is that real?

Whoo!

[upbeat music]

- Pull back, pull back.
- Here, hold him up.

- [laughs]
- We call that a hairbrush.

When Austen saw that you
were there with a date,

he called Ciara,

and they hung out.

- Wait.
- So, Naomie...

you don't give a sh--, like,
who she's hooking up with?

- No!
- Okay.

Because she made out
with Whitney.

What the [BLEEP]?

This is not
a ----ing kumbaya!

That's not how I ----ing have
any relationships

in my ----ing life!

Shep, stop.

We didn't realize
how sensitive he was.

Guys, that was a dig!

- That's not a dig!
- Yes, it is!

You can't play the victim, Craig.

Sounds like a lot of jealousy
and deflection.

[scoffs] Jealousy?