All language subtitles for Southern.Charm.S05E05.Pulp.Friction.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track4_[eng]11

- Previously on

- Previously on
"Southern Charm"...

Just because you have a baby,

it doesn't mean
that your life ends.

As I was getting
used to my new reality,

Thomas started
wondering about his.

- I don't blame other women

for wanting to throw
themselves at you.

[dramatic whoosh]

- Meanwhile,
as the girls were busy

putting the past behind them...

- You got that a good vibrator.

- Mine's even waterproof.
It goes with me everywhere.

[laughter]

- Shep was reconnecting
with an old flame.

- I'm glad you moved here.
- Just gotta get friends.

- Obviously you know Austen.

- He actually just texted me.

[dramatic clank]

- And when the guys try
to get ol' Craigy laid...

- Dude, this is the
most hellish night of my life.

- What? Why is meeting a bunch
of pretty girls hellish?

- Okay, all right.

- It turned out he only had eyes

for the one that got away.

- I think you're angry
because you can't

figure out a reason
we're not together.

- You can't really
say that seriously.

- All I wanna do is
spend my life with you,

but you... you... y... I mean,
if you can't help someone,

that's...

Oh, okay.

[Mia Sable's "It's Easy"]
- ♪ Anyone who's in the know ♪

♪ Says he makes
the kids go loco ♪

- So I guess that means we're
not getting back together.

- ♪ Ba-ba doo ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Come on!

Gotta get to work.

[zipper zips]

- Oh, my God, this is so... ed.

And that's why
they make two parents,

'cause it takes
two people to do this.

- Yeah.
We have breakfast.

I'm gonna comb your hair.

Then we're going to school.
[kisses]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Dammit.

[line trilling]

- Hey, this is Craig Conover.

Uh, basically I found you
on the internet,

and I thought
I would give you a call

to inquire about
your life coach services.

- Great.

- Long story short, I had, um,

an Uber one time
that was talking about

life coaches, and it kind of

just really resonated with me,

and so I think
it would be great to have

kind of a teammate.
[chuckles]

That's kind of the gist of it.

- I can't handle fighting
with Naomie anymore.

I'm not happy with myself
at this point in my life.

And that's something that
I can actually work on and fix.

[dramatic music]

- Uh, that's fine.

I look forward to, uh,
starting the process, uh, soon.

- All right, thanks.
Bye-bye.

Sweet.

Okay.

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Hey, sweetheart.

- How are you?
- Mmm.

- Thanks for coming to help me.

- Thank you for letting me.

What're you looking for
for the day?

- Well, I wanna get
an outfit to bring her home

from the hospital.
- Ooh.

Do you know what you want?
- No.

I don't know what babies
wear home from the hospital.

I mean, she needs
to make a good impression.

- Don't think too much.

- I do not want her to be
in just the Pampers.

- All right.

These are gorgeous.

Look at the red shoes.

- Mom, infants don't need shoes.

- What about this?

- That's for a boy, Mom.
I'm having a girl.

- Oh.

- Honestly, I don't know
what I'm thinking.

You should see
this child's closet.

She has more clothes than I do.

And she hasn't
even been born yet.

But I still have to get her
a "coming home" outfit

because, frankly,
I live in the South,

and that's what you do.

- In the last couple weeks,

I've kind of become
a germophobe.

I told Jason last night.

You know, he comes home
in his scrubs.

And I told him
he can't do that anymore,

so I made him get naked in
the garage

before he came inside.

- [giggles]

- He told me, "You're psycho."

- Have you read any books?

You've got me reading a book.
- Right.

- And you told me
I could not touch her

until I'd read that book.

- You scare me, though.

You dropped me on my head
when I was a baby.

- I did not.
- You let me fall off the bed.

- Oh.

- I remember that.

- Believe it or not,
my mom was not very maternal.

I mean, I knew
how to do my laundry

when I was probably
seven years old.

After my parents divorced,

my mom worked full time.

And she allowed my sister
and I to fend for ourselves.

As a kid, yeah, it was
kind of weird, you know,

but I'm probably gonna
be the exact same way.

- Okay, how many books
have you read, Cameran?

- I have not read any books.

I'm trying to let go
of the control thing,

and know that ultimately

what's meant to be will be.

- Haven't you found that
any time anything came up,

that you could deal with it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You have never gone
off the deep end with anything.

- Not yet.
- [chuckles]

- Because of the way
that my mom raised me,

I know now what is important.

Like, raising a child

that can be self-sufficient.

And I pray

my daughter

looks at me as a mom

the same way... it's, like,
making me emotional...

The same way
that I look at my mom.

'Cause she was the best.

I'm looking
for something that has

the little things
that you put over the hands.

Like, what would you recommend?

Oh, that's sweet.
- That is cute, Cameran.

- Okay, done, easy.
Thank you.

- [chuckles]
Oh, it's the best one.

Yay.
- Sold.

[rousing upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- You.
- Hello.

- You.
- [chuckles]

What's up, buddy?
- How we doing?

Um, here's our draft list.

- Yeah, I'm gonna do
the Coast Oktoberfest.

- Cool.
- I'll try it.

- Okay, I'll be right back.
- [chuckling] Okay.

- Look how long
my hair's getting, man.

- I know, man.
Are you just gonna let it roll?

- Yeah, it's my last chance,
right?

Getting older. [chuckles]
- Yeah.

- Probably be gone
in a couple of years.

I don't know, man, I'm 38.

Most of my friends
have kids and are married.

But, you know what?
[chuckles]

When I talk to them,
they're like,

"Don't change, man.

"You're doing it for us."
They're like, "Good luck."

- Yeah, they're like,
"Without your stories,

"we don't know
whether we could go on."

[laughs]

- My dad recently
just said to me,

"These girls, that, like,
you bring around,

"I mean, they're great, and, uh,

"I feel like I let them down
when I, like,

"stop seeing someone."
And I'm like...

- You let everyone down.
It's like a circle of shame.

- [groans]
I... I get, like, so enveloped

in someone, and then...

- You'll do that three nights
consecutive hangout.

- We'll do, like, three months.

I don't know how you
could be any more different.

You know, like,
here's Shep over here,

and here I am over here.

- And to me that's emasculating.

- What scares me is
that when I'm single,

I, like, start to see myself
kind of acting like Shep,

so then I jump
into a relationship.

So that I don't
turn into Shepard.

Ah, hello.

- How are you?
- God damn it.

You look... she looks so cool.

- I feel pretty cool.

- He goes...
- I have that shirt.

- Kind of look cool
with that jacket.

It's something else.
- I know, right?

Can I just do a Coast too,
please?

- Yeah, sure.
- Shep, are you eating?

- Nah, I... I ate
some Chick-fil-A.

- The, um,
popcorn gator, please?

- Yeah, sure.
- You seem happy.

I haven't really
talked to you yet.

- Yeah, I'm fine.

But when I saw Craig at your
birthday, it was waterfalls.

[tense music]

Thank you.

And we met at Tavern
the other day,

and then he said one thing
and it set me off,

and I said horribly
mean things to him,

but it... it's impossible
sometimes...

You know, it's impossible
to reason with him sometimes.

- The only way to get over it,

is, like,... ing shop.

You gotta just, like...
You... you gotta shop it out.

- Oh, I thought you were
gonna say "... ing."

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, my God, you got a burger?
You're screwed.

- Oh!
- Oh.

- Hey, friends.
- You look beautiful.

- Thanks, guys.

So what've y'all been up to?
Talk to me.

- I know, I wanna hear
about y'all's boys' night.

- Did you make out with anyone?

- What about Peyton?

- What about Peyton?
- Peyton, who's that?

I haven't heard about Peyton.

- I met her in LA.

I love Lake Burton.

- You've been to Lake Burton?

- I went to University
of Georgia.

It's in Georgia.
- Yeah.

- And she moved here.

And now she's upgraded
to Austen.

[playful music]

- [clears throat]

- Have you seen her since...
In the last week?

- No.

- Okay, so y'all
are just friends.

Is that what you're saying?
- Yes.

- Well, this is what Craig said
to me when I cut his hair.

- This summer I met this girl,
Peyton.

I did feel a little bit
of a crush on her.

It was the first time after
breaking up with Naomie

that I was, like, I might
do something with this person.

- And then he said that he was
still in love with you.

- Take a deep breath.

I'm fine.
- No, listen, listen, listen.

- I didn't know all this.
This is crazy.

- He said he was still in
love with you.

- Am I getting crazy eyes?
I feel like I am.

- But listen, listen, listen.

- Can I see a picture of her,
please?

- Sure.

- Here... here she is.

Okay.

- Shep very clearly
dismissed her.

- Really dark roots.
- "Whatever."

Whoa did you just
roll your eyes?

- Maybe all three of y'all
could hook up with her.

- Oh, here we go.

- I'm trying to breathe
normally right now.

I'm so... ing pissed.

He was making me feel guilty
and me feel bad

and me feel like I can't
move on because he's like,

"Oh, well,
I want to get back together,

and I want all this stuff."

And so he says one thing
and does another.

It makes me nuts.

I wanna text him and be like,
"Peyton?"

Question mark.
Let me get her address.

And her entire extended
family's address.

I'm normal.
I'm not crazy.

- "I'm the cool heads."

- Coming up...

- So you're thinking
about something

or are you doing something?

- I don't wanna hear...

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Hello.
- Hey, it's pillow man.

How are you?

- Good. How are you?
- Doing good.

It's nice to see you.
- You too.

Just thought I'd check in.

- Do you wanna see new stuff?

- Yeah, let's do it.
- Okay.

- Sewing's been
my escape ever since,

you know, Naomie and I broke up.

Come on, baby,
don't fail me now.

It's just like being surrounded
by your favorite things.

- This is for
free-motion quilting.

- Okay.

- What I want you to do is
put your hands here.

Now start moving.

- Craigory.

- And you just make it go
wherever you want it to go.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Hi.
What is going on?

- Uh, just playing
with new toys.

Hey, what's up, how are you?
- How are you? Good to see you.

- This is my friend Kathryn.
- Hi, nice to meet you,

Kathryn.
- Kathryn. Nice to meet you.

- She's showing me quilting.
- Oh, okay.

- He needs to expand
his sewing repertoire.

- Fabric Craig, gardening Craig,

kitty cat Craig.
[giggles]

I mean, I can think of all the
weird words that come to mind

when I think of Craig, and just,

Hashtag fill-in-the-blank Craig.
[chuckles]

[playful music]

Lord.

Craig, I'm gonna let y'all look.

If you need me,
just let me know, okay?

- Okay, sweet, thank you.
- Thank you.

Are you still kind of just

exploring pillows and whatnot?

- Yeah, like, I made pillow
cases for my bed the other day,

and... I don't know, does
Saint and Kensie need anything?

Or the living room?

- Well, I just redid
the kids' nursery

so maybe doing like an
individual pillow for each...

- Like, there's a pink
and there's a blue.

- You're like
a do-it-yourself star.

- This is my little escape
from Naomie.

- Do you guys even still talk?

- We, uh, tried to meet up
the other day.

And I at least thought
it was gonna be

a "getting back together"
meeting.

You know, I'm trying to, like,
do better with my timing.

I don't wanna, you know,

be on a different schedule
than everyone else,

so I was gonna get a life coach.

And she's like,
"No, you're not."

- A life coach.
- "No, you're not."

Yeah, whatever.
So I'm gonna do it.

And then meet up
with Naomie and be like,

"Look,

"here's, like, proof that
I can be like everyone else."

And just see
where it goes from that.

- You should be focused on
showing yourself you can do it.

Prove your worth to yourself,
not to someone else.

Naomie's a friend of mine,
but I don't wanna see Craig

beating himself up
and not put himself first.

And if he continues
this cycle with Naomie,

he's never gonna flourish.

With Thomas, like,
we would break up all the time,

but I still, like,

have that, like,
lingering feeling,

and I'm just, like,
wanting to return to, like,

that safety net.

But once I committed to, like,

a no-contact thing,

just being forced
to figure it out

has been really liberating.

So if you really do love her,
and I know you do,

take some time apart.

- Yeah.
I appreciate your advice.

And then, I love that...

Like, your basically being
the therapist that helped me.

- Which makes zero sense.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hello.

- Hey, Aus', how are you?
- Hey.

Everyone's got
their wine already.

- Yep, at least we're ready.
- Hey.

- Hi.

- How are you?
- Good to see you.

- You bring tidings?
- I bring tidings.

It's Oktoberfest beer
that we liked.

- Oktoberfest.
Say, yeah.

I have just the spot for it.

- Did you guys already
go through a bottle?

- Yeah.
- Did you?

- Yeah.
- Good for you.

- Till Tuesday.
And came straight here.

- And you came here.
That... good.

- Aus', you wanna see
what we're having?

- Yeah.
- Sautéed shrimp.

Steak.
- Love it.

- All right, guys,
we're sitting down to dinner.

- It seems so weird, because
we only have four people here

tonight, and we usually have 20.

- Well, Katie,
that's 'cause you're at school.

I come here often, actually,
and we have dinners with...

- Oh, sorry I'm not...
- And there's so...

I can't... I don't have luxury
of coming here all the time.

- My sister Katie, she's
8 1/2 years younger than me.

But after my sister Kyle passed,

it was like the Dark Ages
of my family.

But a year and a half
after the accident,

my parents decided
to have another child.

And when I knew that I was
gonna have a little sister,

I was over the moon.

And then it was like life
began again for the Krolls.

- All right, guys, hey, look,
love you.

- Dad.
- That was a weak cheers.

- Katie, eh.
- You know, Katie,

when mom and I adopted you
it was...

[laughter]

- It's my favorite...

My favorite thing in the world.

- That's Austen's favorite line.

- Mom, the shrimp.

- Good? You like it?

- Yeah.
- Bananas.

- So, what's going on
in Charleston?

Anything, uh, exciting
you're doing down there,

or...
- No.

- Are you dating anyone now,
Austen?

No?

I was a little sad
about Chelsea,

so, what... have you seen her?

- Yeah, of course I've seen her.

- Good.

- Um, it... it... it was
a little rocky there

for a minute

because, um,

I started dating
one of her friends, Victoria.

- What?
- Oh, geez.

- It was completely
unbeknownst to me.

Whoops.

- I would say
that's a "whoops."

- Are you still dating
the... her friend?

- I... I'm not.

- 'Cause she's a good person.
I like Chelsea.

- You know, Aus',
if I may say...

- You may not.
- [chuckles]

- Moving on.

- Um, look, we've talked
about this before.

You left your last
brewing company a while ago.

And, you know,
now I'm concerned.

I wanna know ho...
What are you doing?

- Look, I have, you know,
plenty of ideas.

[sniffs]
Um...

- So you're thinking
about something

or are you doing something?

[tense music]

- I think I'd like to explore
the possibility of

doing my own.
Like, I'm making my own beer.

♪ ♪

Dad's got this look on his face.

He's like...
- [laughs]

- Am I already
disappointing you?

- You've been disappointing us.
- [laughs]

- But, do you have recipes?

- Um, the thing is...
- Oh, God.

- No, I don't.

- Do you have a brewer?
- Look...

Not particularly.

- Do you wanna do it
in Charleston?

- Yeah.
Yeah.

Of all the people that
I know in Charleston,

there are people that
I'd love to, you know,

bring in and get,
like, involved.

- Do you have it set up?
Do you know when a meeting is?

- That's it.
I just... I just...

I just kind of hit you with it,
and, like, that's it.

- I don't wanna hear the talk.

Like, I think it's time
to start doing.

- Dad used to be in the FBI,

and my mother's working
in software sales.

And I definitely feel pressure
to follow in their footsteps,

in terms of, you know,
their work ethic.

- So, I mean, I like your idea,
right?

I think he's got something.

So look, once you
get to the next step,

why don't you let us know,
and then let's come back

to Dad and I,
and we can talk about

investment.
- Okay.

- Now, Austen, you've got to
put pressure on yourself.

[dramatic cymbal roll]

- What do you think, Katie?

- I don't care about
your job situation.

I just want a bigger family.
- Guys, I get it.

Like what do you want me to say?
- So here's to Thanksgiving!

- What more could
I possibly say to you?

- When we... okay, Thanksgiving...
- Mom, no, here's the...

Here's to this good idea...
- Thanksgiving, yes.

- That's gonna happen.

- Austen beer.
- With an "E."

- Here's to Austen beer.
- Right.

- [chuckles]

- Coming up...
- Men aren't marrying anymore.

Why?
- Why buy the cow?

You get the milk for free.
- [laughs]

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

[fly buzzing]

[doorbell rings]

- Hello.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- I am well.

- Come on in.
- Thanks.

Okay.
- Hi, I'm Craig.

- Laura. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Let me scooch you in here.
- Okay, perfect.

And this is actually my side
too, so that's perfect.

- We're already in sync.

- So let's... let's dive in.

So this first meeting, you're
gonna do most of the talking.

I'm going to be super curious.

- Sure.

- So, first, tell me
where you're from.

- Okay, so I'm from the
eastern shore of Delaware.

- So you grew up and went
to high school in Delaware.

- Right.

- And then where
did you go to college?

- So I went to... undergraduate
at College of Charleston.

It's after college I went
to Charleston School of Law.

And one of the reasons
I... I called you is,

right now, I'm not, like,
currently doing anything.

- So, do you have a way

that you generate income?

- I have some
investments and stuff,

but not nearly
what I could be doing.

- So, can we focus on

what's going on
in your life today?

- Sure, yeah, if I...
And if I do talk too much,

you can just tell me I am.

- Now, what're some
of your thoughts about

your talking so much?

- My ex didn't like when
I talk over people.

You don't really have a...
- You'll never, ever, ever,

ever be accountable
for anything.

- Yes, I will.
- You will always deflect.

You'll always talk over!

[dramatic echoing thump]

- It's because I can finish

their sentence in my head.

- What do you think

that tells us about you?

- My mind is hyperactive.

I can be on my phone and tell
you every single thing

that was said on the TV.

I can tell you how many lizards
have been on the deck out there

since we started talking.

- So, a lot of people,
we hear the word "hyperactive"

in a negative light.

Well, let's not do that.

That's kind of not
being nice to yourself.

I'm also been listening to you.

You're a fast processor.

That's one of the ways
we measure intelligence.

You're very sharp.

And you have great eye contact.

You're very winning.
- What's that mean?

- Likeable.
And cute.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

This is great.

I'm actually, you know,
an awesome person.

The way Naomie approached
things with me,

it was just so negative,
and so, like,

it was just final.

- If this is who you are,
then go be yourself.

But not with me,

because I don't like
the way that you are.

You exhibit loser behavior.

You sit home and you sew
and you pretend to do things.

[dramatic echoing thump]

- So, in summary, I guess,

you are a very confident person.

But, you do drop into using

words that can have some
negative weight to them

to describe yourself.

- Okay.

- So we're gonna be
practicing you being

much more accurate and positive.

And you're gonna practice
your listening.

And that's gonna help
with your patience,

and your connection
with self and others.

So, the first
homework assignment,

it's a self-portrait

of you and your world,

in as much detail as possible.

Don't stop yourself.
Just keep going and keep going

and keep going.
- Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- I'm excited.

- Me too.

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

[overlapping chatter]

- Uh-oh.
[laughter]

- Good evening.
- Good to see you.

All right.
- Thomas, how are you?

- Good to see you.
- Hi, darling.

[vocalizes lips smacking]

[both speaking French]

- Better late than never, huh?
- Yeah.

- [speaking French]

- Aw.

- Whitney lived in Paris
for a year,

studied at
the Ecole des Beaux-Arts.

- [speaking French]

- Thomas speaks
Pepé Le Pew French.

Très bien.
[chuckles]

- Should've brought
my sunglasses.

I just got, uh, a reflection
from your ring there.

- This little thing?

- That thing is huge.

- This isn't
the engagement ring.

- That's just a promise ring.

- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

- The engagement ring will be

a lot bigger, I'm sure.

- It's not such
a terrible thing.

You know, marriage
is a great institution.

I believe in it whole-heartedly.

[playful music]

Men aren't marrying anymore.

Why?
- Why buy the cow?

You get the milk for free.
- [laughs]

- Well, but another reason
is companionship.

How is it going with Ashley?

- Right now she's in Nashville
at a bachelorette party.

But, um, she's very sweet,
she's really nice.

Um...

You know, the kids love her.

- That's good.

- But, you know,
I see a side to her

I don't necessarily like.

Sometimes Ashley lacks subtlety.

- I want to turn you on.

- It's kind of
a Northern thing to do.

And sometimes that energy
is just overwhelming.

- I want to marry you.

I want to have babies with you.

- It's like, "Whoa, chill."

One thing I will say about her,

around those kids,
everything is just love.

- That's really important.

And, you know,
to be a hospice nurse,

I mean, you have to have
a lot of empathy, sympathy...

- Yeah.
- I admire her for that.

Let's face it,
Thomas looking for perfection

is kind of a conundrum.

I mean, why should
he of all people

demand perfection?

- I can tell you that, um,
Ashley idolizes you.

Ashley may reach out to you.

She's looking to blend in
inside of the culture.

- Yeah, I'd be happy any time
she wants to get together

to go shopping.

[vibraslap rattles]

- She'd love that.

- Sending Ashley to Mom for,
like, a finishing school,

I doubt she'll learn anything.

She's not Southern, you know?
It's in the DNA.

- I'll lend her my credit card.

No problem there.

- In that case,
we'll go to New York.

[laughter]

- Coming up...

Sometimes they say,
like, foot rubs can, like,

induce labor.

- Cameran, if you go
into labor right now,

I will sh... my pants.
- So watch out.

- [chuckles]

[upbeat jazz music]

[golf club thwacks]

- Oh.

♪ ♪

- Well, look at you.

You're certainly
dressed the part.

- Well,
when you're not that good,

you gotta at least dress right.

Hi.
- Hi, how are you?

- Good.

I literally had to, like,

wipe the dust off my golf shoes.

Let me get a good look at you.

- Oh, my gosh.
I'm tight, I'm tight.

When I know that I'm gonna
hang out with Chelsea,

like, I... I am ecstatic.

- You're tall.

Austen's long and lean.

He's got the golfer body.

He can grip it and rip it,
which is...

Any guy that has any kind of,
like, athletic ability,

I think is attractive.

I miss being your friend.

We used to do this all the time.

- I know.

I still get that
butterfly feeling

in my stomach when I see her.

- Then we weren't friends.

- It was your decision
to end the damn thing.

- I don't wanna say
that Austen and I

would never get together again.

There's always potential.

- So, what you up to
this weekend?

- Don't talk to my backswing.
- That was great.

But I was talking to you.

That was the best drive
I saw you hit.

So what you doing this weekend?

- No plans.
- I have plans for you.

- Okay.

- Uh, so Peyton,

she doesn't really have
many friends,

so... so she kind of called me,
and she asked if, uh...

- I was wondering if you would
want to

co-host a Halloween
party with me.

- I'm listening.

- We'll invite everyone that
I've met so far.

- Have you met Chelsea yet?

- No, I haven't met Chelsea.

- Aw, man, you and Chelsea
would get along great.

- Okay, cool.
- Okay.

- So Naomie's getting an invite?

- Yeah, of course.

- I wonder how she's gonna
handle that party.

- Yeah, she didn't seem too
pleased the other day

when I...
When I mentioned it all.

- When Austen started
dating a friend of mine,

I really didn't think
it would bother me.

But it pissed me off.

So I think it's just like
human nature

for Naomie to get
a little jealous.

Have you been out
to Kiawah lately?

- Yeah, actually.

My dad is living
the life that I want.

The retired life.

- I feel like you're
living the retired life.

- Right, well,
that's kind of what he said.

- I don't want you
to turn into Shep.

- Shep has no desire
to get a job,

'cause he doesn't
need to get one.

- Right.

- Yeah, and my mom's,
"What're you doing?"

And I kind of laid out
something for her.

I think I'm gonna stay
in the beer industry,

and make my own beer,
to kind of,

you know,
distribute to Charleston.

- So your parents are, like,
wanting to back you?

- Ultimately, yes.

- ing get after it.
Put some effort into it.

- All right.
You're stressing me out.

- Someone needs to light
a fire under your ass.

- Yeah, that's...
Their names are Tom and Wendy.

- And Chelsea.

No.

- Girl, that went 30 yards.
[laughter]

It looked pretty, though.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Welcome in.

You'll be right here
to the right of Cameran.

- Hey, friend.
- How are you?

- How's it going?

- Good.
- Don't get up.

Don't get up.
- [laughs]

Good to see you.
- You too.

How cute is this place?
- It's so cute.

- I haven't had a pedicure
in forever.

- So, what's up?
How are you feeling?

- I feel ready.
- Yep.

- To have this kid
on the outside.

- Is Jason, like,
just so excited?

Is he coddling you?
Is he...

- No, he's not coddling me.
I wish he would.

- What?

- He gives epidurals all day
long...

- Oh, yeah.
- So, like he's, like

I think so, like, desensitized.

So I come home, and I'm like,

my back hurts.
And he's like,

"Your back hurts?
Well, I'm the one

that's been working all day."

If it wasn't for sweet Michael,

I would probably not have
any foot rubs at all.

Oh, Michael, there's something
really wrong about this.

God bless that man.

Sometimes they say, like,
foot rubs can, like,

induce labor.

- Cameran, if you go
into labor right now,

I will sh... my pants.
- So watch out.

- Perfect, yes.

- So y'all all went out?

- We went to Biergarten.

It was Shep, Austen,
Chelsea, and me.

And, like, we had a few beers.
It was a blast.

- Did Craig... was... did Craig go?

- Mm-mm.

I'm not even lying, dude,
I've been so much happier.

And then as soon
as I get around him,

it's, like, dark again.

- You can love
somebody all you want,

and their energy
can be toxic to you.

And just because you love them
doesn't mean you need to have

them in your life every day.
- I know.

- So, are you, like,
to the point where

if he was dating somebody
you'd be fine with it?

Or would it bother you?

- I mean, I wanna be like
a cool girl

and say,
"No, I'd be fine with it,"

but it would bother me
so much, you know.

Like, Chelsea was telling me
that there's this new girl,

Peyton, in town,

and that Craig told her that
it was the first girl

he could see, like,
himself liking.

A... And I was like, [panting].

- Craig said this about Peyton?
- Yes.

- I've met her.
- Is she smart?

- She's tall and blonde
and has big boobs.

You look like a Nordic alien.
- Really?

- Yeah.

What is she doing here?

- I mean, there must be a
drought in California

'cause she seems very thirsty.

- [laughs]

- She, like, I guess at first
went after Shep.

- Yeah, like,
Shep briefly dated her.

- Yeah,
then she went after Austen.

And I guarantee you,
she'll go after Craig next.

- I don't think any of these
guys are gonna be

walking down the aisle
with Miss Los Angeles...

- [laughs]
- Here.

I think you should be
#unbothered.

Craig has never
really been a ladies' man.

He has never been one to go out

and pursue girls, talk to girls.

I mean, hell, he's
pretty much a girl himself.

And I think it's throwing
Naomie for a loop.

- I guess she's
co-hosting with Austen

the Halloween party.

So you're going on Saturday,
right?

- Yeah, I'm gonna try.
If I don't have a kid by then.

- [gasps] [laughs]

This is the toenail color
you're gonna have

when you deliver your child.

- Ah.

[chuckles]
- [sighs]

- Coming up...

- Oh, my God.
- Huge!

- (BLEEP) him.

[jaunty upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hello?

- Hello... [laughs]
Oh, my goodness.

Look at you.

- I know, every time I touch
myself I get green.

- So... so, you're like a unicorn
mermaid or something?

- I'm a unicorn.

- Okay, where's the unicorn?
Yeah, it's great.

You look... now I feel
like I'm underdressed, but...

- You're a chick magnet.
- Thank you.

Well, it looks great out here.
- I know, right?

- Yeah, this is great.

- There's Rick.

- I see him sitting
in the chair.

- He's holding my purse.

- Is he gonna float off
if I put him somewhere?

- Yes.

That's why he's
holding my purse.

- So, like, he just
has to chill there.

Okay, well, um,

what... what should we do?

- Start decorating.

- When did, uh,
we tell people to come?

- 8:00. What time is it?
- It's like 7:30.

- Okay, we're fine.
Both: That's fine.

- So now we're just gonna
make it a little tackier.

So this needs to go.
Oh, no!

- Oh, my God.

Both: No!

- Rick!

That's gone.
That's gone.

[wolf howling]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Sean.
- [laughs]

Are you supposed
to be Jack Sparrow?

Come on, do you have
earrings on right now?

- Yeah.
Ugh.

- You guys keep dragging it out.

You need to just cut her off.

- Yeah.

- Look at you.
- Oh, wow!

- Oh, snap!

You look good.

- I love it.
- That looks so good.

- Thanks.
- Wait, can you tell what I am?

I don't think anyone's gonna...

- (BLEEP) [laughter]

Mia Wallace
from "Pulp Fiction."

- Oh.
- I wonder if Cameran's going.

- Yeah, let me call her.

[line trilling]
- Cameran would be a trooper,

like, this far along in her
pregnancy to come out.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Are you coming tonight?

- Oh.
- Cam.

- Oh.

You only have, what, two...
A week?

- Oh, my God, it's almost time,
Cameran.

- Well, we're gonna miss you.

And we're sad you're not coming.

We hope you feel better.

- Okay.
All: Bye, Cam.

- So we're
a little nervous about Naomie...

- I'm not nervous.

- What's the deal with Peyton?
What...

- She's from LA.
- Okay.

- She tried to date Shep.

And that didn't work out.

And so she flirted
with Austen and Craig too.

And it doesn't help that Craig
also said that he

could see himself liking her.

- What?

- She's looking for a guy
to social climb his friends.

- Oh.

- Listen, I sound like
a psychopath, and I know.

- But it's human nature
to not like it

if a girl's shown interest
in your ex-boyfriend.

- Yeah.

- All right, y'all ready to go?
- Yeah, let's do it.

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Hello.
- I'm Peyton, nice to meet you.

- Hello.
[laughs]

What's up, buddy?

What's going on, buddy?
Good to see you.

Hold on, I wanna introduce
y'all to Peyton.

[laughter]

- Damn, who is that?

Thought it may be Kathryn or
somebody, you know.

- I'ma stop at the candy.

- Holy moly!
[laughing]

- I don't like...
I look like a drag queen.

I know.

- Holy sh...

You look great.
- No, I don't.

- Oh, my God, I didn't
even recognize her.

I was like, "Who is that?"

If we ever relapse,

wear the wig,
keep the nose ring.

- Okay.
- I'm into it.

- You're kinky.

[electronic dance music]

- Do you want a water
or anything?

- So this is Peyton.

Peyton, this is
my good friend Chelsea.

- Nice to meet you.

[laughing] I could not.

- Here's a tip.

First impressions in Charleston,

probably a good idea not to
cover yourself

in blue body paint.

No one's gonna recognize you.

Her LinkedIn said she's
here to follow her passion,

to work in a dog boutique.

Don't ask why I know that.
I did stalk her a little bit.

[laughter]
I'm fine.

- I love it
when you're like this.

- Craig said that she was,
like, the first girl

that he could see
himself liking.

And I was like, [groaning]
- What?

- [vocalizing
chopping, gunshots]

- Arr' we going to have fun...

It's gonna be
an interesting one.

- Arr' you gonna get a drink?

- I feel like
I'm gonna get yelled at.

- That's your costume?

- A lot of effort, Austen.
Great effort.

- Yeah.

- I ma... I made it.
It took me two hours.

Y'all bought that.

(BLEEP) your pirate costumes.

- What's up, Peyton?
- Hey.

- Thanks for having us.

[tense music]

- I'm scared to talk to Craig.

- If he doesn't say hello
first, I shouldn't, right?

- Let him come to you.

And if you pass by him,

just be like, "Oh, my God,
I love your earrings."

- [laughs]

["Hail to the Chief" playing]
- Oh, my God.

- Donald!
- Oh, my God.

- Huge!
- It's huge!

- This is huge.

- What the (BLEEP)?
- [chuckles]

- (BLEEP) him, honestly.
- Ugh!

- He is the worst person
in the world.

[cork pops]

[playful dance music]

- Uh, "Shades of Grey"?

- Hold on.
"9 1/2 Weeks"?

- I'm not even a lefty,
and I'm holding my own.

- I've got a strong sword.
- Easy.

- Tell me.

- "Breakfast at..." The best!

- Hey, Kathryn.
- Hi.

- Good to see you.
- How are you?

- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.

- Good to see you.
You cold?

- Freezing.
- You'd like my jacket?

- Oh, no, it's fine, you don't
have to give me that.

I'm fine.
How've you been?

- Great.

- Where are the kids
gonna be for Halloween?

- I'm taking them
trick or treating.

In fact, Ashley said we...
We should invite you...

- Mm, my God.

I would love for you and I to
be able to do things like that,

but it's too soon.

Are you kidding me?
I just met her.

So, uh, no thank you.

Hi, how're you doing?
- Hi. Good to see you.

Look at you two,
you're both grown up,

you're having fun,
you're living life.

Look at how far y'all have come.

- God, right?

- Look at how far I've fallen?
[laughs]

Just a joke.
- Oh, my God.

- Peyton, you do not
look like yourself.

- I like that.

That's what I love
about Halloween.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Hello.

- Very impressed.
- Thank you.

I like that you came dressed up.

- I never shirk my
responsibilities

in the dress-up category.
- Good.

- This might be the best party
I've ever been to.

I've got Sour Patch Kids, Nerds,

unicorns.

- What the (BLEEP) unicorn has
ever looked

like they've been dipped...

- You could tell I've poisoned
all of their minds.

[laughter]

- What are you, by the way?

What do you think I am?

- Chick magnet.
- Yes!

- I was going to say
duck magnet.

[vibraslap rattles]

- Hi.

[chuckles]

What is in your hand?

- Starbursts.
- Oh, okay.

I thought it was a blade.
That was really nice.

- No, they... they weren't
for you, though

- Oh, here.
- Here.

- Give me a hug.

I'm taking the high road
with Naomie

because I fear that if I don't,

then we just
won't ever talk again.

- Do you like my wig?
- Yeah, you look pretty.

- I like your earring.
- [chuckles]

But, this is confusing as hell.

All of a sudden,
nice Naomie is here.

Dude, I'm telling you,
it's two different people.

That was girlfriend/boyfriend.

- That was literally... you would
think that we were together.

She's nuts.

- That's not Gentry, right?
- No.

- Well, hello.
- I keep getting... hi!

- Yeah, how are you?
- Do you know who I...

Do you know what I am?
- I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.

From... from "Pulp Fiction."

- Kathryn's like,
"Kris Jenner."

I was like, "I'm just gonna
end myself right here."

- Kathryn said that?
- Yeah.

[suspenseful music]

- Well, hey... well,
since you're up here,

you should meet Peyton.

Peyton, this is Naomie.
- Hi.

♪ ♪

[dramatic echoing thump]

- Coming up...

- Y'all cannot play
this whole thing.

"She didn't do
anything to you."

Yes, she did.

- It felt good
to feel liked again.

- You're a... ing liar.

[ominous music]

- Well, hey... well,
since you're up here,

you should meet Peyton.
Peyton, this is Naomie.

- Hi... to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Love your costume.

- Thank you.
Are you a blue unicorn?

- I am.
I look like an avatar.

But I'm a unicorn.

[tense music]

- So, Peyton, why are you here?

[dramatic echoing thump]

- Oh, boy.

♪ ♪

- Because I wanted
to move back South.

And I fell in love with
Charleston when I was here.

- Because Charleston is such
a hub for dog boutiques?

Come on, please,
don't do this to yourself.

Just be honest with me.
If you're honest, like...

I lo... I'm a girl's girl,
like, I support girls.

- You don't seem like it.

[dramatic bells chime]

♪ ♪

- I don't... I don't support you...

- I'm being honest with you.
- Because I see your intentions.

Okay?
- You don't see sh...

- You went after Shep.
It didn't work.

Then you tried Austen.

Maybe Craig, just shooting darts
to see what's up.

- I'm not trying Craig.
I don't even know Craig.

- Right,
you've never met Craig before?

- I talked to Craig
for 15 minutes.

How the (BLEEP) am I
supposed to know Craig?

- Okay. I'm very
protective of my friends

and I know when
girls that are, like,

thirsty girls come around.

- You have something against me,

and I feel like it has to
do with Craig.

- It doesn't have anything
to do with Craig.

It has everything to do with
the fact that you're a...

[stammers]
You're a... ing thirsty bitch.

[dramatic percussive music]

I see straight through you,
Peyton.

- What are you then?
Just a girlfriend?

- I'm Craig's ex-girlfriend.
- Okay, so...

- Yeah, I've known him
for eight years.

I'm from here.

- So you're from here
and you're better than me?

- Yeah, I am better than you.

- Yeah.

- That is so disgusting.
- Oh, my God. You're so thirsty.

I can't.

You're just going after
any guy here.

- That is not true.

- It's very true.
Everybody knows it.

I promise you.

- That's cool.
You're a middle schooler.

- This girl is about to get
pushed overboard.

[suspenseful music]

- Uh-oh.

Peyton.

Can you stop, please?

- Naomie.

What... please...
What just happened?

- She was really thirsty.
She needed water.

- I'm not gonna have anyone
treat me like that.

- What... what happened?
- [crying] That's disgusting.

- What just happened?

- She said she was
better than me.

And that I'm after guys.

And, "You're a thirsty bitch
and we all... ing know it."

- What she's angry about
right now is that, you know,

she thinks that Craig
is into you.

And what do you think that
that all, you know, adds up to?

It's... ing insecurity.

- She doesn't even know me.
- Right.

- She sees a girl who comes in,

and it threatens her, obviously.

I'm sorry that that happened.

For the longest time,
I assumed that

Naomie was just an angel.

And I was like, "I can't believe
that you deal with Craig."

- Okay.

Now it's like,

Craig, good for you for...

putting up with Naomie.

Naomie, what the (BLEEP)?
- What?

- What the (BLEEP)?

- I'm protecting you,
honestly, from somebody

that's trying to ing use you

and social climb off of you.

- Okay, but she is, like,
in shambles...

- I could really give a sh...
She's using you.

- Naomie,
if you didn't wanna meet her...

Why did you come here if
you did not wanna meet her?

- I didn't come here for her,
I came here for you.

And how dare you
take her side over mine?

- I'm not taking anyone's side.
It's just mean.

Look, I was trying
to do a nice favor.

- Austen, get real.

- What's up?
- Ow.

Why would you stab me
with a sword?

- 'Cause I have a sword.

What happened?
- She's this thirsty bitch.

- This is a rare glimpse
at mean Naomie in the wild.

- Uh-oh.
- She didn't do anything to us.

- Jesus Christ.

- She usually stays by in
the closed doors of our house,

where she feeds on Craig's soul.

I guess she had
to go out hunting.

- She is using you!

- She's not using me.

Told you I wasn't crazy.

She's scary as sh...

- You said that
she was the first girl

that you could
see yourself with.

- I was talking about
a one-night stand.

Because it felt good
to feel liked again.

- You're a... ing liar.

- I'm not lying about anything.

I'm openly admitting
to my ex-girlfriend

that I considered
hooking up with another girl.

What would I be lying about?

- It doesn't matter anymore.

Literally, I'm... this is...

- You're cr...
- Let's cut it off.

- You're kind of losing it.

You can keep going around

ing burning all these bridges

and being mean to people...
- Burning bridges?

I don't give a (BLEEP)
about that bridge.

- What about my bridge?

- I also don't give a sh...
About that either.

- Yeah, it's very clear.
Cool, good talk.

I don't know why we even
try and talk anymore

because it always ends up
like this.

- Same as it always ing goes.

- On the next episode of
"Southern Charm"...

- [shrieking]
- [laughs]

Oh, God.
- I just pissed my pants.

- No, don't piss your pants.
- Oh, my God.

- I'd like for you to design
a dog or cat pillow.

- Like partying dogs?

Not partying as in alcohol.

Partying, like, living life.

- Look at you.

Oh... oh, that's my family crest.

[dramatic electronic music]

- I think Austen and Chelsea
are gonna rekindle.

- She cut my hair today

and I thought
we had a really nice time.

- You... you ruined that shot.

- Shep said you're the one
that's, like,

getting with all the women
and partying and...

- Bullsh...

- Look who we have here.

- Okay, I just saw Peyton.

- I said you're having a lot
of fun downtown these days.

And it reminds me of me.

- His contention is
that you were lying.

- Austen, we have
all had your back.

- For more "Southern Charm,"
go to bravotv.com.

[bell rings twice]