All language subtitles for Green.Wing.S01E07.DVDRip.DD.2.0.x264-MaG

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French Download
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian Download
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,757 I kissed Guy? 2 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:12,111 Yes. In the hall. We kissed in the loo. 3 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:14,276 No, no, that was Sue White. 4 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,791 (blows raspberry ) 5 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:23,990 You are a lovely little boy. 6 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:28,872 I want to know what would happen if I didn't pass my exams this time. Oh, come on, Mum. 7 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,753 Don't you ever say that word! 8 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:44,597 Joanna says you're to stop ringing her and she meant what she said. 9 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:52,430 - Get your dumped mitts off my tits! - I want... I don't want to... 10 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,516 Stop it. Get off me. 11 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,914 And then I kissed you - clearly not on purpose. 12 00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,792 And then... 13 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:01,876 and then I left. 14 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:10,712 Slitty, slutty, slots! Go on, sod off! You're all the bloody same! 15 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:21,836 - (Martin ) Caroline, are you in there? - I do! Er, I mean, I am. 16 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,435 I'll be out in a minute. 17 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:37,554 Meet the girls. Pinky and Perky. 18 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:46,189 (instructor) And the side stretch. Breathe in. And take the ball... 19 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:49,630 Bloody shitting... Who let you in here? 20 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,354 I want a word with you, and I... 21 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,396 - You've got one last chance! - Get out! 22 00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:58,794 One last chance to have me back. 23 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,316 I'm Caroline Secretan, hi. 24 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,670 (French accent) Caroline Secretan. 25 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,791 Leave me alone or I'll get a restraining order. 26 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:12,072 Hello, I'm Caroline Macartney. Caroline Macartney. 27 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,551 Hi. Erm... 28 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,398 - Thanks for letting me stay. - Yeah, you're welcome. 29 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,390 - Where did you sleep? - On the sofa. 30 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:28,873 Oh. 31 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:33,673 Look at the state of me! I mean, my hair... (stutters ) 32 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,916 What do you think I've become?! 33 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:40,318 - What have you become? - I'll tell you: a shadow of my former self. 34 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,271 A shadow of a pompous arse? 35 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,477 (sniffs ) 36 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:59,156 Yes, well, if something bad happens, then on your head it be! 37 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,716 If what happens? If somebody steals all your pens again? 38 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,794 Hey, how are you doing there? What's that? What, in my teeth? 39 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:11,674 Oh, that's probably one of Caroline's pubes. That is embarrassing. 40 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,588 - Martin, did I leave my watch in there? - Erm... yeah. 41 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,678 - Can I just grab it then? - Erm, hang on. 42 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,754 - Oh, great. Thanks. - Mm-hm. 43 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:25,632 - You OK? - Hm? 44 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:27,159 - Are you OK? - Mm. 45 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:30,477 I'm just going to go to work now. How are you getting there? 46 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,955 (grunts '"On my scooter'") 47 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,398 Sorry? 48 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,353 - On my scooter. I'll see you there. - Yeah, OK, right. 49 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:42,234 If something really really bad happens to me, it'll be your fault! 50 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,351 You're just trying to cheer me up, aren't you? 51 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,790 - Yes, you'll be sorry! - Wrong! 52 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,678 All right, you know, just, you know... 53 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:56,873 Don't worry, I'm not looking at your... leotards. 54 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,833 And even if I was, I'm a ra... 55 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,237 - What the fuck is that? - My topmiler. 56 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:11,429 Your what? 57 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:17,476 My new topmiler. It needs a bit of cranking up - I've got a semifinal on Sunday. 58 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,319 Oh, yeah? This is your Whiteleaf thing, is it? 59 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,512 - Whitliffe. - I've seen it written down. It says Whiteleaf. 60 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:27,838 I was there for 12 years, I think I know how it's pronounced, thank you. 61 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,748 So, semifinal, eh? 62 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:36,158 - World Championship semifinal, yeah. - Sorry, World Championship semifinal. 63 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:40,512 - How many people play Guy-ball? - It's '"Gee-ball'". 64 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:46,428 Of course, Gee-ball is Guy-ball, isn't it, actually? It's Guy-Secretan-ball. 65 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,393 - Yeah, laugh if you like. - Thank Christ for that. 66 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:52,990 This country could soon have a new world champion. 67 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,509 God knows, we've got precious few of those. 68 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:59,599 To get to the semifinal, was it, er, two fixtures that you played? 69 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,075 Well, I had a walkover in the first round. 70 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,839 Marcus Guisler had shin splints - big Austrian. 71 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:09,158 So that was, what, one match? One weedy match. 72 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:12,192 I did win it in five straight clappers. 73 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,037 What? 74 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:28,269 Oi! Is that a...? Did you... Is that... Oi! 75 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,189 Marty! Ooh, results. 76 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,710 - I haven't managed to open it yet. - My fingers may be stronger. 77 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,432 Oh, no! 78 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,073 Martin's results. 79 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,713 - Well, open it. - I will. 80 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,195 - When? - When I'm ready. 81 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,515 - I'll give you a fiver if you open it. - No. 82 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,915 I'll give you ten quid and a kiss. 83 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,678 - No tongues. - No. 84 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,631 - 20 quid and a hand job? - No way. 85 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,352 Go on, name your price. 86 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:24,474 What, to open it now before I'm ready? Before I am properly mentally attuned? 87 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,079 Yes. 88 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,873 �160. 89 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,070 - I think I'll wait. - Yeah. 90 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:35,397 Right, here you go. 160? 20... 91 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,432 No, no, no, sorry, I meant... half a million pounds. 92 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,233 Ooh. Too hot for me. I fold. 93 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,832 - Seen Mac? - No. 94 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,279 - Or Guy? - No. 95 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,551 Typical! Even the available men aren't. 96 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,791 - I love you. - What? 97 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,319 Nothing. 98 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,793 I've just seen the face of Jesus at the window. 99 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,558 OK. 100 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,951 Mashed potato. 101 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:38,672 Right. 102 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,435 - One... - Yeah. 103 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,118 Two... 104 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:48,674 - Three... Ready? - Yeah. 105 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,189 - Go. - (makes aeroplane noises ) 106 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,591 One new message. (beep ) 107 00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:01,032 (Joanna ) It's over, Alan. Never contact me. 108 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,232 You will never feel my supervagina again. 109 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,191 (phone hung up ) 110 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,238 I wish people would leave a name! 111 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:14,999 Huh. 112 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,637 All work and no play... 113 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,799 - Do I get a medal? - Your reward will be in Devon. 114 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,114 Devon? 115 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:28,437 Oh, no, sorry. It's heaven, isn't it? Yeah, that's right. 116 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:33,793 I used to get them confused as a kid. You know, when people die, they go to Devon. 117 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,115 - That's funny. - Well, not really, no. 118 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:40,870 Ruined my summer holidays - I thought my whole family was dead. 119 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,390 Mac, do you think you'll ever have kids? 120 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,480 Whose are these, do you think? 121 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,955 I have no idea. 122 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,593 Here. 123 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,557 Come here. 124 00:08:58,600 --> 00:08:59,999 Oh! 125 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:04,079 Ooh, Nurse Todd, but you look beautiful with your glasses on. 126 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,394 Oh, no, they smell. Rough. 127 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,474 Phew. 128 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,239 See you later, smelly four-eyes. 129 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,959 Dr Caroline Macartney. 130 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,759 - What is that? - It's a kid. What do they eat? 131 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,871 - Is it lost? - No, no. 132 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:33,357 I borrowed it off someone, cos apparently women love it and I'm trying to pull. 133 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,836 - Do anything for me? Is it working? - Not really, no. 134 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,871 No, didn't think so. 135 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,956 Here, you have it. 136 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,279 Huh. 137 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,277 - Hello. - Hi. 138 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:53,111 Hi, there. Do you want... do you want one of these? 139 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,117 - Yes, please. - Well, you can't have it. 140 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,518 Don't forget you've got students waiting. 141 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,998 We were going to stop him, but we thought you'd be cross. 142 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,553 Mm. 143 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,473 Well, I think I've made my point. 144 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:50,794 Yes... 145 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,558 Oh... 146 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:56,070 Er, actually I might need a bit of help. 147 00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,272 Hello? 148 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,391 Hello? Anyone? 149 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,511 Oh, dear. Hello? 150 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,791 I need a wee. 151 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,791 - Hi. - Hi. 152 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,718 - You all right? - Yeah. Just looking at those children. 153 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,432 - I see. - I love children. 154 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,630 - Really? - Yeah. 155 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:38,230 I'm not a paedophile or anything, obviously. I just think they're great. 156 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,190 Oh... 157 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,788 I hate to see them suffering. Do you like kids? 158 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,195 - Er, yeah. - Yeah. 159 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:50,190 I'm just getting broody, I guess. There's one hell of a dad in me, bursting to get out. 160 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:51,275 Crikey. 161 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:55,279 You know, I believe that children are... our future. 162 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,551 - '"Teach them well, let them lead the way'"? - Sorry? 163 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,638 It's Whitney Houston. Children are our future, da da da... 164 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,035 My God! My God! 165 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,792 She knew what she was talking about. 166 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,554 Dr Caroline Secretan. 167 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:24,319 Hi, hi. Dr Caroline Secretan. 168 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,392 I'm Dr Caroline Secretan. Hi. 169 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,516 Hello. 170 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,837 I'm completely naked under here. 171 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,439 OK... 172 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,469 - Do you want to see? - Not really. 173 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,750 I wouldn't mind. 174 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,473 - I don't think I can go through with it. - Well, don't. 175 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:02,230 If I fail, I'm dead meat, and I'm up to my ears in debt, so... What do you mean, don't? 176 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,193 Well, just pretend it doesn't exist. 177 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,039 There. Out of sight, out of mind. 178 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,229 Right. 179 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,351 Right, blow. 180 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,114 Don't get any spit on them! 181 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:22,199 I've got a doctor's pubic hair in my tummy. 182 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,470 OK. Blow. 183 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,276 Right, fuck off. 184 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,715 - Is it Mac's? - No! 185 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,076 Oh, can I get my results envelope back, please? 186 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,474 Your what? 187 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:49,039 Results envelope back, that you are sitting on. Please. 188 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,116 What envelope? 189 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,910 Right, I'm going to wait. 190 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,520 That part of the day we've all been looking forward to. 191 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:06,953 Nurse Richardson, perhaps you'd like to choose, movie genre or regional accent? 192 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,389 - Regional accent, please. - Excellent choice. 193 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:12,876 Dr Todd, perhaps you'd like to pick today's regional accent. 194 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,834 - Surrey. Buckinghamshire. Er, Swiss. - Northeast, Newcastle. 195 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,520 Tricky, but always very funny. Good choice. 196 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:23,076 (Geordie) All reet, then, shall we get on and start the operation? 197 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,510 (pathetic attempts ) Yahs, I think we should. Yes, I think we should. 198 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,358 Oh, I'm not doing it. It's silly. 199 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,438 I was just gannin' to fetch youse a bonny scalpel, pet. 200 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,677 Aye, thank you. Would you like a little fishy on a little dishy? 201 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:38,270 - (stilted) Why, aye. - Ah, champion. Thou shalt have a mackerel. 202 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,789 All reet, then, let's not waste any more time, 203 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:46,597 so it's eyes doon and let's open her up. Is she totally oot? 204 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:51,077 (more Austrian ) Yahs, I think she's totally out. Yahs, she's totally... 205 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:55,159 - Oh, I'm not playing. - Ah, come on, man, come and play. 206 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,954 I'd have done it if it was movies. 207 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,595 What? Does it say '"No smoking'"? 208 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:08,874 (Geordie-ish ) Does it say no smoking? What way to the dole office? 209 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,110 Do you know, I'm unemployed and I have a mullet. 210 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,231 Next! 211 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,879 Stop talking like bloody Jimmy Nail or Ant and Dec, or I'll turn off the machine! 212 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:32,312 All reet, pets, I want you all to resume normal accentage. 213 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:36,911 I'm just saying that if he's failed again, I think it might tip him over the edge. 214 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,918 Survival of the fittest. Grrr! 215 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,998 Martin needs to toughen up. Come on! 216 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,436 Maybe he's not cut out to be a doctor. 217 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,870 Maybe he should just, I don't know, stick to being like a nurse. 218 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,230 I mean, they can be as thick as pigshit. 219 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,112 Ow! Fucking ow! 220 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,549 - Sorry about that. - I could've got concussion! 221 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:04,877 - Toughen up, Guy. - Survival of the fittest. 222 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:11,075 Take that, '"Dealing With Difficult People'", and fuck off! 223 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,519 Wanker! 224 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,195 Hold on, watch this. 225 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,352 Ahh... 226 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,869 Now that's... (attempts accent) magic! Magic! 227 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,514 - Magic? - That's magic. 228 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,076 Ooh, no! Oh, it's been right up my anus. 229 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:42,120 (taping noises ) 230 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,519 (taping noises ) 231 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:47,992 Up, up, up. 232 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,793 - I'm worried about my hair. - Don't be such a wimp. 233 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,559 Why can't we use the proper thing with the leather strap? 234 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:58,310 Use an international-standard topmiler? Don't be ridiculous. Anyway, it's mine. 235 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:01,432 OK, this is a classic three-person variation of the game. 236 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:05,997 Tilt your head forward... Arr�te! We just have to put the ball into the basket. 237 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:08,236 I can't see patients with a basket on my head. No way! 238 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:13,036 Stay in the parish. If you reach the maison, put your left arm up and shout '"Maison'". 239 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:14,115 Maison! 240 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,038 No burrow tactics and no hedgehogs. Is that clear? 241 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,878 - No. Not really. I can't... - OK. 242 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,595 I won the toss, so stickles are random and it's a two-bounce ubique. 243 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:26,349 Right, go, move. Run, run! Move, damn it, or I'll towel-whip you! 244 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,311 Right, my friend, the game is on. 245 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,396 - One thing... - What? 246 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,557 - Martin likes me! - Gaaa-ha-ha! 247 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,476 - You think you're clever, don't you? - Reasonably, yes. 248 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,717 You think you're so clever. You think you're a real man 249 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,991 because you've got Joanna trotting after you like a puppy! 250 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,075 If you say so. 251 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,590 Well, we are going to find out who the real man is, right now! 252 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:09,238 - If I could just drink my coffee... - I bet you would, but that's not an option! 253 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,430 - What's that? - This is how we'll decide. 254 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,028 - What? - Tug of war. Get up. 255 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,469 - You've got to be joking. - Get up. A tug of war. 256 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:20,478 - I don't want to. - Get up now! Get up for the tug of war! 257 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,636 Get up, get up, get up, get up... 258 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,910 Right, give me that. 259 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,995 - Ready? - Ready. 260 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,908 And... go! 261 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,993 Wrong shoes. Wait there. 262 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,393 (chimes tinkle) 263 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:06,433 Having spread that little bit of joy, I'm out of here. Thank you. Very good. Goodbye. 264 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,357 - Bye. - (singsong) Bye. 265 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,436 - Who was that again? - Guy... 266 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,154 - No, that can't be right. I'm Guy. - No, listen. 267 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:16,352 There's something I've been meaning to say to you. 268 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:20,598 We can't, not here. People are watching. Anyway, it wouldn't be hygienic. 269 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,395 Just stop it for once, will you? 270 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:30,750 You seem a complete knobhead, obviously, and everyone knows you're a bastard... 271 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,952 - Thank you very much! - But I think I know why you do it. 272 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:38,039 Now, in there you're the only one who doesn't use a mask. Right? 273 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:42,039 But actually you do. There's layers and layers of mask. 274 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:46,233 And I think that if you just peeled back the layers of mask, 275 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:50,876 then the onion becomes... a lot less of a red herring. 276 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,558 - Does it? - Yes. 277 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:58,152 And, you see, there are good bits to the onion, like at my party and your thoughtful presents, 278 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,795 and the man who thinks that children are the future. 279 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:06,072 But it's all surrounded by these yucky layers that have all gone a bit yellow 280 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:10,955 and this hard outer shiny skin of someone who's pretending to be unlovable, 281 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,640 but, well, maybe he's just scared, I don't know. 282 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:17,309 Maybe he needs to find someone who can peel back all the layers 283 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:22,275 and look at the raw, sensitive vegetable in the mirror. 284 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:27,872 My God... You're the first person who's ever really understood. 285 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,029 What? 286 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:36,872 You're the first person to see under my onion layers and see the real me. 287 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:45,995 OK... OK, so maybe we can have a grown-up chat, you know, cut through all the bullshit. 288 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,430 Oh, maybe we could go for a drive in the country - 289 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:52,870 you know, fresh air, open spaces, meee... 290 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,798 - I'm strangely aroused. - Inevitably. 291 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,757 I assume we won't be heading too far north. 292 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:04,829 No. Well, my car is instantly immobilised if I go past Luton. 293 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,756 (chimes tinkle) 294 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:27,839 (male voice from outside) All by myself... 295 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,030 I don't want to be... 296 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:35,757 All by myself any more... 297 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:40,669 Still here. 298 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,234 All by... 299 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:50,149 Open it. (chants ) Open it, open it, open it, open it... 300 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,397 Oi. I've written a song. It goes: Who's the man, who's the man? 301 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,317 Is Guy the man? Yes, yes, I am 302 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,034 That's a really good song. Just going to get a salad. 303 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,196 All right, wee man? 304 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,710 Yeah. You seem pleased with yourself - more than usual, I mean. 305 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,752 Yep. Because I've cracked it - me and Caroline. 306 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,189 I thought you might like to be first to know. 307 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,517 What, you and Caroline have...? You... No. 308 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,269 What, you mean, you and...? Where? 309 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:20,678 Not yet, but you're right, no point wasting time. Thanks. Tonight is the night. 310 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,076 - No, I didn't mean... - Could you pop out for me to get condoms? 311 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,510 I know what you're going to say - surely I've got condoms already? 312 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:31,076 Well, yes, I have, but I need... special ones. 313 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,760 The pharmacy will know what I'm talking about. 314 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,031 You don't need any money, I've got an account. 315 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:38,752 - I'm not... - Go! 316 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,269 - But... - Now! 317 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,793 Oh, I always wanted one of those. 318 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:51,559 - What's that, a small boy? - (romantic music) 319 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,148 No, a remote-controlled car. 320 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,035 Don't move. 321 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,715 (chimes tinkle) 322 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,919 - Here we go. - I can't believe you gave him a lighter! 323 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,235 It's all right, they're five for a pound. 324 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:23,397 - Mac?! - They only spark. He'll be fine. 325 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,717 Ready? Live the dream. 326 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:32,713 Oh, sorry. 327 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,831 Nice one. Living up to expectations? 328 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,520 All right, just wait a second. 329 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:39,955 Oh. Erm... 330 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:44,676 One early tip is to master the basic controls first and leave the big stunts until later. 331 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:46,518 Yeah, yeah, OK. 332 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,392 - Let me show you. - No, I'll be fine. 333 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:51,080 No, go on, trust me. 334 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,270 That's forwards and backwards, yeah? 335 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:57,234 That is left and right. Left and right, forwards and backwards. 336 00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,352 And is that the same as we grown-ups call reverse? 337 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,675 - Being patronising? - No, just childish. 338 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:06,918 Well, thank God for that. Here we go. Forwards and backwards... 339 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:21,191 I'll, erm... 340 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,636 - I'll remove my arm, then. - Yeah, if you wouldn't mind. 341 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:28,876 Well, yeah, thanks for the ride. 342 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,831 Thank you very much. 343 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,109 Can you smell burning? 344 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:39,713 (chimes tinkle) 345 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,709 I don't know, I don't know! They're all the same! She hates me! 346 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:55,755 OK, let's just calm down, Dr Statham. Let's try to deal with this rationally. 347 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,872 Right? Let's take a few moments to breathe deeply. 348 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,468 All right, if you think that'll help. 349 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:09,557 That's it, that's it. Close your eyes and just try to relax. That's it. 350 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,110 Just centre yourself. 351 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,351 Yes, yes. 352 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:25,195 Yes, yes, and in a sense that does... 353 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:28,676 Oh, you bloody bastard! 354 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:36,189 You bloody bastard! You bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody bastard! 355 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,151 (phone rings ) 356 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,158 Yes, hello? 357 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:46,673 No. No, no, no, I'm afraid she's just nipped out... to poo on a plate! 358 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,917 No... Director of Finance, yes. 359 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:52,076 All right, wait... 360 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:58,196 Hm? No, no, this is not Alan Statham, it's somebody completely different. 361 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,916 Right. 362 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,637 Yes. 363 00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:31,149 (Caroline) Think positively, breathe, and just do it. It'll be fine. 364 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:33,475 - But what if it isn't? - We're here for you. 365 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:36,273 - What the fuck is all this therapy shit? - It's here! 366 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:41,030 What is, Christmas? A new ice age? A cleaner, brighter wash? What? 367 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,913 - Martin's got his results. - Oh, is it terminal? 368 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,634 - His MRCP. - Oh, I feel sick. 369 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:50,673 So do I. It's the aroma of women who care, mingled with Martin's fear. 370 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,395 - If I've failed, that's going to be the end. - Thank God for that! 371 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,512 Look, this is actually quite a big deal! 372 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:01,269 OK, then. Well, let's get it over with. 373 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:05,109 It's eating away at you like a cancerous growth. Let's whip it out. 374 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,231 - You can't do that. - I'll do it. 375 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:09,669 Listen. You'll thank me for this later. Let's get it over with. 376 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:12,633 - No. - Martin, maybe it's for the best. 377 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:16,469 OK, right. Whatever I do, don't stop, just open it, OK? 378 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:17,828 All right. 379 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,918 - No! - Can you restrain him, please? 380 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,270 Ready? Here I go. 381 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:29,432 Hear that? That's the result, there it is. Oh, yes, oh, oh, oh... 382 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,396 Ooh. 383 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,071 - I know the answer. - Oh, God... 384 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:42,352 It's in my head. It exists. Do you want to hear it? 385 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,835 No. Yes. Go on, tell me, quick. 386 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,076 Martin Dear... 387 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:48,155 Yeah? 388 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:52,273 You... have... 389 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:59,072 - Oh, come on, Guy, get on with it! - OK. Now, Martin Dear... 390 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,395 you... have... 391 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,795 - Who wants to suck my cock? - No! 392 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:08,232 Martin might want to in a minute, because, congratulations, you have passed with merit! 393 00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:13,388 You are now a... (slow motion ) proper doctor! 394 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,954 (musical interlude) 395 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,637 (slow motion ) Good boy! 396 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:45,955 Yes! Yes! 397 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,674 Hooray! Martin, yes! 398 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:50,836 (Boyce) Marty! Marty! 399 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:54,596 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. 400 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,393 What's wrong with you? Are you mad? I was joking. 401 00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:02,036 Of course he didn't pass. He failed. What's wrong with you people? 402 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:04,753 What? 403 00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:06,791 What? What?! 404 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:13,189 Oh, so now I'm not allowed to make jokes about Martin and his exams, is that it? 405 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:15,754 Is that... Oh, Christ! 406 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:31,791 Well? 407 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:33,911 I failed. 408 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:37,396 Oh, boo-hoo. God... 409 00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:41,557 Tosser! 410 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:10,315 That's how I lost my virginity. She had nice tits for a 45-year-old. 411 00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:13,000 I haven't seen her since, though. 412 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:18,515 (Mac breathes heavily ) 413 00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:20,153 Well? 414 00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,555 Well what, you scrawny poof? 415 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:28,231 You're not a poof! You're not a poof! You're not a poof! 416 00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:29,429 And? 417 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:31,551 And you are a poof! 418 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:36,190 - Come on! Come on! - What are you doing?! 419 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:38,436 - Get off! - Not the hands, not the hands! 420 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:40,357 Yeah, well, not the hair! 421 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:44,628 Mac, that is really sharp. 422 00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:47,149 - That's hot. - Yeah, and I'll use it! 423 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,596 - Argh! - Mac! Don't! 424 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:57,714 Don't! Put it down! Put the coffee down! Put it down! We'll talk. I'm sorry. 425 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:02,868 I'm putting it down. Look. OK? It's down, all right? 426 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,877 Now we'll just sit down and we'll talk, OK? 427 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:10,993 No, the other chair. I'll sit on this chair. Sit down. 428 00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:12,838 All right? 429 00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:20,029 Out of my way, baldy! 430 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:31,552 Hi. 431 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:47,474 Ow! You've got your knee on my balls! 432 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:50,194 Ow! My knee... Your knee... 433 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:53,350 Shit! 434 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:56,910 Oh, you bitch! 435 00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,110 They're all... 436 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:01,269 bitches! 437 00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:04,790 So... thank you, thank you, God! 438 00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:08,356 Thank you so very much for ruining my life - 439 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:13,235 if you exist, which I doubt, otherwise you wouldn't have taken her from me. 440 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:17,396 Right, one more chance. One more chance to bring her back. 441 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,158 I'll start counting. 442 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:22,477 Right. One... two... 443 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:25,790 three... Come on! 444 00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,388 Four. Five. 445 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:30,636 - (woman ) Hello, there. - Oh, my fucksie! 446 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:32,239 Oh. I... 447 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,716 I thought you were her. 448 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:42,070 But I suppose I have to face it. God's a sod. She's gone. 449 00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:46,909 Oh, I'm so sorry. Was it sudden? 450 00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:49,429 Yes. Yes and no. It's, erm... 451 00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:54,111 In a sense I could see it coming and in another sense, I... I couldn't. 452 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:58,358 - It doesn't make it any easier, does it? - No. No. 453 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:04,271 And here I am, an empty... h-h-hole. 454 00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:10,396 Would you like to light a candle for her? Some people find that very comforting. 455 00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:13,875 Death is never easy. 456 00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:16,478 My God, is she dead?! 457 00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:17,715 - Who? - Joanna? 458 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:19,319 - Joanna? - Joanna? 459 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:22,910 - Joanna...? - She... No. No, no! No, no, no. 460 00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:28,160 No, she just dumped me, like a piece of old furniture that... 461 00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:31,716 - I assumed she'd died. - No, no, no. 462 00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:37,915 Erm, I'm a consultant here, by the way. Dr Alan Statham, radiology. 463 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:41,510 - Cordelia Denby, chaplain. - Chaplain... 464 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:47,112 Oh, the '"God sod'" business, that's... we'll overlook. 465 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:53,237 Could we light a candle for her anyway? 466 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:56,315 Yes, of course. 467 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,238 - Properly. - Erm... Je suis d�sol�. 468 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,191 - In English. - Oh, God... 469 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:11,118 Martin, I'm really s... I'm really s... 470 00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:15,950 I'm really s-s-sorry that I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't. 471 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:21,397 Now hug. 472 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,909 - (both ) What? - I said hug. 473 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,275 Fucking hug! 474 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,396 I said hug! 475 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,235 All right, don't try and cop a feel. Ow! 476 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,351 Oh, are you all right? 477 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:08,070 I want Mac struck off. He's gay and I've got proof. 478 00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:11,476 So if you could please get out the appropriate form, I... 479 00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:15,388 Who's the bearded ponce? Is that Noel Edmonds? 480 00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:18,273 Oh. 481 00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:19,879 Erm... 482 00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:25,310 Oh, it doesn't matter. 483 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:34,309 '"Long ago, the people of the earth were being bad, and this made God very sad.'" 484 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:39,150 '"He wanted to wash his world clean again. He would make it rain.'" 485 00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:40,633 Noah. 486 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:42,830 Yes, that's right, Alan. Very good. 487 00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:47,476 Let's not shout out. It's not a test. Let's just listen and enjoy. 488 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:53,389 '"But there was a good man, and his name was Noah.'" 489 00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:58,472 - Thanking you most kindly. - No, thank you. 490 00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:01,990 My, aren't we civilised. God save the Queen. 491 00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:05,673 - Now I have seen everything. - She's not here, is she? 492 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:08,360 No, look - he's signing. 493 00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:11,349 Incredible. He's got hidden talents. 494 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:16,315 He seems like such a wanker in public. In private, he's practically a saint. 495 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:21,638 Greetings, dogsbody. 496 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:25,275 - I didn't know you could sign. - Well, got to make an effort, haven't you? 497 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:27,436 So, he a deaf relative, is he? 498 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:30,518 No, that is Dominic Carver, a guy I was at school with. 499 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,234 - He must've been a really good friend. - No. Jesus, no! 500 00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:36,636 He used to pull these faces whenever he tried to say anything. 501 00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:40,355 And he'd make this popping noise with his mouth. I couldn't bear him. 502 00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:42,710 Then why did you learn sign language? 503 00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:47,072 I didn't. I can only do '"I don't understand sign language'" 504 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,078 and '"Fuck you, deaf boy.'" 505 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:55,511 Yeah, well... 506 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:03,473 What? 507 00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:07,072 Yeah, well, very funny, Stevie Wonder! 508 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:10,476 No, he was blind, wasn't he? He said he'd hurt his finger... 509 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:13,160 See the spittle? And the popping noises... 510 00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:16,317 Loser! He can't hear me, that's the... 511 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:20,237 (Alan ) Otherwise known as the Ark. 512 00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:23,875 '"Now, Noah had three sons.'" 513 00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,912 Perhaps Alan can tell us their names? 514 00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:32,556 Hob? 515 00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:36,070 Paph... Papheth? 516 00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,391 Meke? 517 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:44,432 - '"Their names were Ham...'" - Ham. 518 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:46,118 - '"..Shem...'" - Yes, Shep. 519 00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:48,879 - '"..and Ja...'" - Jab. 520 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,195 '"..Japheth.'" 521 00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:10,715 ('"We Are the Champions'" by Queen ) 522 00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:16,119 - We are... - The champions, my friend... 523 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:23,673 We'll keep on... (omits word) till the end 524 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:25,711 You've got four Queen CDs. 525 00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:28,513 - So? - Four? 526 00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,757 - What's wrong with that? They're good. - That's as maybe. It's too many. 527 00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:34,633 Brian May caresses that guitar like a woman. 528 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:36,637 Oh, do women make better guitarists? 529 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:39,115 No, like the guitar's a woman. He's not a woman. 530 00:38:39,240 --> 00:38:40,992 - He looks like one. - No, no, no. 531 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:44,360 Very much a hot-blooded male, is Brian. 532 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:47,398 - What, like Freddie Mercury? - Yeah. 533 00:38:50,720 --> 00:38:53,234 - What? - What? 534 00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:57,319 Freddie Mercury, the one that was in Queen? Hot-blooded male, straight? 535 00:38:57,440 --> 00:38:59,032 Probably. I don't know. 536 00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:00,912 - You don't know? - Does it matter? 537 00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:08,071 Well, not to me, no, but as a fan I think you ought to know he was gay. 538 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:11,749 - Big deal. - But it's been no bed of roses 539 00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:15,632 No pleasure cruise 540 00:39:15,760 --> 00:39:18,558 Shall we have something else? I mean, I'm not homophobic. 541 00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:19,556 No, no. I know. 542 00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:25,073 It's just you get certain things, images, pictures in your head, and then... Anyway... 543 00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:27,668 - You've spoilt it for me now. - Sorry. 544 00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:29,677 ('"Your Song'" by Elton John ) 545 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:33,839 It's a little bit funny... Now that's more like it! 546 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,997 This feeling inside 547 00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:44,392 I'm not one of those who can easily hide... 548 00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:46,511 (car horns toot) 549 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,790 - (woman ) Sorry. - It's all right. Bye, Josh. 550 00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:52,357 What a lovely-looking kid. 551 00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:59,673 - Well, this is nice. - Yeah. 552 00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:01,074 Oi! 553 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:04,431 Get out of there! That took me ages, that did! 554 00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:07,279 I said get out of there! I'm talking to you, blondie! 555 00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:11,712 That is my... Sometimes... I love kids, though. Absolutely love them. 556 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,550 Have you had operatic training? 557 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,513 - I do sing, actually. Could you tell? - Yeah. 558 00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:20,359 Oh, you remembered: It's a little bit funny... 559 00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:23,677 - Don't start that again. - I know quite a few of his songs. 560 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:25,028 I know. 561 00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:29,836 You-you spread love like... like honey. 562 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:33,555 Like... butter and honey. 563 00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:36,114 - His love. - Well, and your love. 564 00:40:36,240 --> 00:40:40,438 - No, not so much, actually. - I can... I can feel it. 565 00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:42,551 Well, that's very interesting... Erm... 566 00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:44,318 Can you feel mine? 567 00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:47,273 I think you're confusing two different kinds of love. 568 00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:50,472 - Love is love, isn't it? - No, I don't think it is, actually. 569 00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:54,275 Well, we must all love each other, surely. 570 00:40:54,400 --> 00:40:55,355 Yes. 571 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,357 - So I love you... - OK... 572 00:40:57,480 --> 00:40:59,072 And you love me... 573 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:02,351 I see what you're getting at, and in a way it's a sound argument... 574 00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:05,552 There we are, that's settled then. We... love each other. 575 00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:07,955 - No, you see... - I have to go now. 576 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:12,790 Duty calls. But can I come back later and pick up where we left off? 577 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:14,751 - How much later? - 20 minutes? 578 00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:21,911 - Sure you're getting enough work done? - Work, yes, but we have fatter fish to fry. 579 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:27,753 - Was I supposed to bring sandwiches? - Oh, I thought we could feed the deer. 580 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:30,030 - On bread? - Yeah. Don't they eat bread? 581 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:33,197 Not usually. There's a shortage of good bakeries in the forest. 582 00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:36,073 They've had to adapt to eating bark, things like that. 583 00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:37,952 It's wholemeal. 584 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:42,553 Right. Oh, look, nettles. I bet you'd think these would sting me. 585 00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:45,035 - Nettles will sting you. - That's where you're wrong. 586 00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:49,073 It's all about the way you hold them. OK, watch this, all right? 587 00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:50,872 - Are you ready? - Ooh... 588 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:54,390 It's all about the direction of the hairs. Pretty impressive, eh? 589 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:58,479 Yeah. You are the complete man. I see that now. 590 00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:09,951 Sheep! Get down, get down! 591 00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:13,675 It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse 592 00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:19,079 and another key member of my team to go off at the same time. Together. 593 00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:22,954 Key member of the team, no. Scatterbrained floozy, yes. 594 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:26,390 OK, right, I don't want to be without the scatterbrained floozy... 595 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:29,990 and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time. 596 00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:33,590 - Well, there is more than adequate cover. - I don't think there is. 597 00:42:33,720 --> 00:42:38,191 Guy is far from irreplaceable. Now that's something you've always said. 598 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:41,790 I've always said that, yeah. Guy, very happy to have him out of my sight. 599 00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:45,276 And you managed fine before the scatterbrained floozy arrived. 600 00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:47,675 Did I? Yeah, I suppose I did. 601 00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:49,472 So what's the problem? 602 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:53,912 I don't want them to be off both at the same time. I don't. 603 00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:56,270 - Why? - Just because. 604 00:42:56,400 --> 00:43:01,190 - Because why? - Because... because Guy is a wanker. 605 00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:04,198 Well, actually, I don't draw up the rosters. 606 00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:06,595 Sorry, are you on my side or not? 607 00:43:06,720 --> 00:43:12,158 Dr Macartney, yes, I am on your side. I'm always on your side. 608 00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:17,877 You know, I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm under your side... 609 00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:21,390 - It's time for me to go now. Thank you. - I'm all over your side... 610 00:43:21,520 --> 00:43:25,479 I can do headstands. Now, would you like to see that? Would you? 611 00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:28,068 - The... - ( door closes ) 612 00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:30,953 Like to see that... Yeah... 613 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:36,708 Oh... 614 00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:43,837 Oh, look, sheep. Love them. 615 00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:46,155 - I think it's a calf. - Oh. 616 00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:49,274 - If you, er, if you had a son... - Yeah? 617 00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:52,392 ..would you encourage him to go into medicine? 618 00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:53,748 Erm... 619 00:43:55,040 --> 00:43:58,999 No, I would encourage him to go into Formula One. 620 00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:01,759 No! He might get killed. 621 00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:05,839 Yeah, but come on, buckets of dosh, loads of gash... 622 00:44:06,520 --> 00:44:08,351 I'm sorry? '"Gash'"? 623 00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:14,396 Erm, yeah, it's a motor racing term. It stands for gearbox and suspension... hiccup. 624 00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:18,354 - Oh, that'd be irresistible to any young man. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, it would. 625 00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:21,392 - Oh, no, it was a sheep. - It does look like a Mazda. 626 00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:28,388 Before we get started, erm, guys, I'd just like to say a few words, if I may. 627 00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:33,279 O Lord, help us to understand more clearly the complexities of your creation, 628 00:44:33,400 --> 00:44:40,238 to see its beauty and comprehend the... the totality of all your works. 629 00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:45,639 Help us to humbly pay attention and not try to undermine the authority 630 00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:52,233 of those you have so rightly put in charge, with... with insolence and silliness. Amen. 631 00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:54,794 - That was for my benefit, wasn't it? - Pardon? 632 00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:57,480 That last bit, the '"insolence and silliness'"? 633 00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:01,513 Well, that's not for me to say, Mr Boyce, or maybe for you to fathom, 634 00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:04,108 if that were to indeed be the case, or otherwise. 635 00:45:04,240 --> 00:45:07,038 It was just a dig at me because you find me infuriating. 636 00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:10,118 Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. 637 00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:14,313 And if that indeed were to prove to be the case, Mr Boyce, I do solemnly forgive you. 638 00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:16,192 - And I forgive you. - Pardon? 639 00:45:16,320 --> 00:45:18,276 - I forgive you. - No, no, I forgive you. 640 00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:19,879 And I forgive you. 641 00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:24,232 Mr Boyce, if anybody is going to do forgiving, it'll be me. 642 00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:28,239 - But in the Lord's Prayer it says... - Forgive me, but... No, don't forgive me, 643 00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:33,673 but I think you probably know as much about our Lord the Jesus as you do about... 644 00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:36,190 - I'm Jewish. - No way are you Jewish. 645 00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:39,517 No, I am Jewish. I'm a practising Jew, a Hebrew, a Son of David. 646 00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:42,279 OK, prove it. Lend me some money. 647 00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,949 - No. - No? Are you circumcised? 648 00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:48,275 I might be. Might not be. Could just be for hygiene reasons. 649 00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:50,994 Right, come on, show us your foreskin. 650 00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:53,554 - No. - Mucky cock! 651 00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:58,670 Yeah, but how would you feel if you were a fox? 652 00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:03,112 I'd love it. I'd relish the challenge. I'd look at the hounds and go, '"Bring it on.'" 653 00:46:03,240 --> 00:46:08,030 But that's because you're quite sporty. How would you feel if you were a non-sporty fox? 654 00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:10,958 - What, a geeky intellectual fox? - If you like. 655 00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:17,553 Well, then I would accept that I was a pest and needed to be culled on a large scale. 656 00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:21,673 - That's very selfless of you. - Well, you did say I was intellectual. 657 00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:26,389 Yeah, but supposing you were chased into the next county 658 00:46:26,520 --> 00:46:29,717 and you had to abandon your poor little cubs. 659 00:46:29,840 --> 00:46:36,154 Well, then I'd find me another supervixen and I'd... (blows ) ..I'd start all over again. 660 00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:40,876 Yes. Yes, I think you would. 661 00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,989 Shall we get back now? 662 00:46:48,080 --> 00:46:52,517 - But that was only hypothetical, wasn't it? - Well, yes, you're not actually a fox, Guy. 663 00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:56,155 That's just what I'd do if I was a fox, and I'm not, I'm a human being. 664 00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:58,510 - Are you? - Yeah, and I'm going back for them. 665 00:46:58,640 --> 00:47:00,835 - What? - I'm going back for the cubs. 666 00:47:00,960 --> 00:47:03,349 - Oh, it's too late now. - No, it's not too late. 667 00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:05,710 - Oh, it really is. - Why? 668 00:47:05,840 --> 00:47:09,276 - The hounds tore them to shreds. - No!! 669 00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:14,352 - What are you doing? Get up. - Argh! My cubs! My cubs! 670 00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:16,835 Oh, no! No! 671 00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:19,315 Don't... You're going to rip my top. Get off. 672 00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:24,719 My cubs. My cubs, dead... Why? How could you let this happen?! 673 00:47:24,840 --> 00:47:29,356 Aargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaarrgh! Aaaaarrgghh! 674 00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:36,350 (chaplain ) There are times when you can't be with your husband, 675 00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:42,749 and I understand that waiting rooms are depressing places at the best of times. 676 00:47:43,720 --> 00:47:46,917 You'd be surprised how many people prefer to spend time here - 677 00:47:47,040 --> 00:47:49,110 not for any religious reason, 678 00:47:49,240 --> 00:47:54,473 but because it's a peaceful and relaxing place, at a very stressful time. 679 00:47:54,600 --> 00:47:55,953 Yes, that's right. 680 00:47:56,080 --> 00:48:02,269 It's also nice to escape from the medical paraphernalia, the doctors everywhere. 681 00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:05,153 It's just nice to cut yourself off for a few moments. 682 00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:07,874 We feel it's important to... to escape. 683 00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:11,390 - Was there something that you wanted? - Me? No, no. 684 00:48:11,520 --> 00:48:16,753 - Just do feel that we are here for you. - No, I'm here. 685 00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:20,236 Togetherness, as the Lord said himself. 686 00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:23,750 - Right. Would you like to come through... - Yes. 687 00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:43,477 It's a little bit funny 688 00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:47,272 This feeling inside... 689 00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:55,954 I forgot my stupid house keys. 690 00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:57,515 You all right? 691 00:48:57,640 --> 00:49:02,395 No. I'm exhausted, I've eaten my body weight in chocolate in the car, 692 00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:06,308 I'm all bloated and my feet hurt. And I haven't had sex in months. 693 00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:08,237 I know how you feel. 694 00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:22,953 You're late. 695 00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:27,437 Look, Martin, what I just said about not having had sex in a while... 696 00:49:28,400 --> 00:49:30,277 - Yes? - Well, I was wondering... 697 00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:32,595 Yeah. Yes, I will. 698 00:49:32,720 --> 00:49:36,872 - I haven't told you what I want you to do. - Don't worry, I'm a really adventurous man. 699 00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:38,194 - Are you? - Yes. 700 00:49:38,320 --> 00:49:43,269 I just don't want you to go round telling everyone that I haven't had sex in ages. 701 00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:46,312 Fine. OK, well, my lips are sealed. 702 00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:48,795 Oh, thanks, Martin. 703 00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:56,560 (Scottish ) So, you want your ginger friend placed in bin bags all over the city, do you? 704 00:49:56,680 --> 00:50:00,229 - Jesus, no! - It's all right, just kidding. 705 00:50:01,360 --> 00:50:04,955 So, how much for what we discussed? 706 00:50:05,560 --> 00:50:08,632 - What, for cutting his hair off? - Yeah. 707 00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:09,909 Two. 708 00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:11,837 Two thousand pounds?! 709 00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:14,110 No! Two hundred. Jesus! 710 00:50:14,240 --> 00:50:15,195 Oh, right. 711 00:50:15,320 --> 00:50:18,949 Oh, you're like a girl, aren't you? I can say anything to you. 712 00:50:19,080 --> 00:50:25,189 No, no, I'm not a girl. I am a man, with a man's needs. 713 00:50:25,320 --> 00:50:27,959 Yeah, but to me you're just like a girlfriend. 714 00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:34,476 Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you sleep with? 715 00:50:35,560 --> 00:50:36,959 No. 716 00:50:42,040 --> 00:50:46,511 If I'm going to do this thing, I need to know that you've thought it through. 717 00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:50,235 So tell me, have you thought it through? 718 00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:52,988 No. 719 00:50:53,120 --> 00:50:55,315 People don't normally. 720 00:50:56,120 --> 00:51:01,114 Usually it's just a case of, '"Oh, there's a man with long hair who's irritating me.'" 721 00:51:01,240 --> 00:51:05,199 '"I'll call up Scissors Bentley to have him taken down a peg or two.'" 722 00:51:05,320 --> 00:51:08,357 - That's what I thought. - Don't look at me or touch me. 723 00:51:08,480 --> 00:51:11,358 And you still want me to do it? 724 00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:12,913 No. 725 00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:15,395 Really? Bugger! 726 00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:21,470 What about a really tight perm, or an afro, you know, like early Jackson Five? 727 00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:24,398 What am I, a stylist?! 728 00:51:24,520 --> 00:51:26,431 Oh, sorry. 729 00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:53,789 Did I leave a packet of bonbons here? 730 00:51:53,920 --> 00:51:58,630 Erm, I don't think you did actually, Julian. Maybe by the table. 731 00:52:01,800 --> 00:52:03,870 Stop it, Mac! I know it's you! 732 00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:05,956 Stop it! 733 00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:14,354 Sorry, love. 734 00:52:14,480 --> 00:52:16,755 It's all right, I'm just waiting. 735 00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:26,071 - I think she gone home, you know. - Yes, I'm just waiting for Jesus. 736 00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:43,640 Visiontext Subtitles: Michael Callaghan 59201

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.