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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:07,596 - You looking for a lodger? - Yeah. 2 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:10,393 All I've had so far are loonies. 3 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:17,432 '"How to click with women.'" Already can! Clickety-click, click-click. 4 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,555 You've got to be more exciting, a bit more, you know, spontaneous. 5 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:24,636 I'm sure that can be arranged. 6 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:36,034 - Mac's had some difficult news. - Oh, really? 7 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,276 Yeah, about Holly. She's pregnant. 8 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:42,234 - Who's pregnant? - Holly the baby-killer. 9 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,833 - Oh, dear! - Jesus! 10 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,598 - Oh, I must have... - Man! 11 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,678 I must have tripped over your enormous, Neanderthal feet. 12 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,392 Go away. 13 00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,911 - When d'you wanna move in? - Tomorrow? 14 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,190 Hooray! 15 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:20,674 I'm 42. I'm 42, I'm 42, I'm 42, I'm 42. 16 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,356 Oh, Christ! 17 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,591 Forty-two? 18 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,517 Oh, face it, Joanna, you're 48. 19 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,760 - Go away! 20 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,638 Yeah, no one's gonna know you've got a 48-year-old foofie. 21 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,237 Happy birthday, foofie. (posh voice) Happy birthday, Joanna. 22 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:11,115 It's me - Enobarbus, your humble servant - 23 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,196 calling with birthday greetings. 24 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:19,077 Why do birds suddenly appear 25 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:23,758 Every time you are near? 26 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,269 Just like me 27 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,235 They want to be 28 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,353 - Close to you 29 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,357 Aah-aah... 30 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,199 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 31 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,551 Yes, yes, yes. Erm, bye. Goodbye to you. 32 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:10,434 Er, that's... it's very, very interesting. 33 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,357 W-Why... why do birds...? 34 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,074 Er, the gulls... 35 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,156 You know, jenny wrens. 36 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,555 Er, tommy tits. 37 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,955 N-Not... not actually... 38 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:25,789 No, I wouldn't say that, as such. But, erm... 39 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:29,117 Good morning to you. Nice to see that you're, erm... 40 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,196 I was explaining... 41 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,870 OK, birthday cake. 42 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,353 - What about this one? - No, a bit stuffy. 43 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,153 How about this? 44 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,475 A bit childish. 45 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,556 Ooh, this one. 46 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,835 That's more Rachel. It's not really Joanna. 47 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,349 We can put a candle on each nipple. 48 00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,710 I've always wanted to do that. 49 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,433 Either that or run away and join the circus. 50 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:07,678 - Maybe we should get the iced cake. - No, go on, let's be daring. 51 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,756 - OK. - Ha! 52 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,396 Angela! Do you want coffee? 53 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,638 - (breathlessly ) Yes! - What did your last slave die of? 54 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,434 - ( deep sigh ) - Angela, what are you doing? 55 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,956 - Are you all right? - Yeah. 56 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,196 Oh, my God! 57 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,709 - Have I just seen you come? - Almost. 58 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,796 I think I just missed. 59 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,117 Oh, I'm so sorry. Look, I'll just leave your coffee there. 60 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,470 - Morning, Liam. - Morning. 61 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,436 (manic humming) 62 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:22,111 - Buggering wank! - The Swiss water-polo team has lost again? 63 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:26,791 No. The bloody woman from Obstetrics is wearing knee-length patent-leather boots. 64 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:31,835 We should march on Obstetrics with flaming torches and we should kill her. 65 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,190 - I knew you wouldn't understand. - Who is she? 66 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:35,958 I don't know, she just is. 67 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:40,676 Join me again next week on Let's Make No Fucking Sense, when I will be waxing an owl. 68 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,997 Just as I'd nearly finished putting all the data in as well. Grr! 69 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,076 - What? - The league table. 70 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,317 - You haven't got one just for Obstetrics? - Don't be stupid. 71 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,635 It's for all hospital females. 72 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,833 And knee-length patent-leather boots bump her up to a six in kinkiness. 73 00:05:55,960 --> 00:06:00,795 - You just never bloody know with women. - Soon they'll say we can't thrash our wives. 74 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:04,708 Yeah! Look what it's done to the graph. It's knocked it out of whack. 75 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:07,673 Obstetrics is now kinkier than Personnel. 76 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:12,191 And the cute Chinese nurse from Fincham Ward is down to 19th. Jesus! 77 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,949 Have you ever thought, this is just a shot in the dark, 78 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,435 - you may be taking this too seriously? - What? 79 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,393 Your life might be easier if you didn't bother with it. 80 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,956 Then how in God's name am I supposed to put women in the proper order? 81 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:28,675 Oh, my God, look! There is a coachload of Swedish physios. 82 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,870 What? Oh, shut up. 83 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,560 That would raise some conflicting issues from you. 84 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:37,434 Very exciting sexually. On the other hand, a lot of admin. 85 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,120 I did have a coachload of Swedish physios once. 86 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:44,233 They smelt of herring, surprisingly. And flat-pack furniture. And Rolf Harris. 87 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:48,194 - Rolf Harris isn't Swedish. - That's what was so surprising. 88 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,472 - Ooh, ooh, ooh! - She's coming. Quick. 89 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,511 Happy birthday to you 90 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,677 Happy birthday to you 91 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,679 Happy birthday, dear Joanna 92 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,756 Happy birthday to you 93 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,758 Right, thanks. Surprise, surprise. 94 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,678 Same banner as last year. Hope it's a fresh cake. 95 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,837 We didn't know how old you were, so... 96 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,430 Ha, bloody ha-ha-ha. 97 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,673 - What's that on your coat? - What? 98 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:31,031 - Silver lines, on there. - Oh, snails. 99 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:35,711 Yeah, I went to a party last night and, er... woke up in the garden. 100 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,120 Hello, Mum. It's me. 101 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:54,916 Hello, Mum. It's me. 102 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,952 Martin. Martin Dear. 103 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,436 No, Mar... M-A-R... You know who it is. 104 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,915 No, I'm in the corridor. No one can hear me. 105 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,395 I just wa... Hello? 106 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:18,078 Luxury penthouse apartment in the Docklands, panoramic views - yours for a year. 107 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,954 - Electronic swipe card entrances? - Yes, and a concierge on the door. 108 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:26,039 And there'd probably be a swimming pool in the basement with a gym and sauna. 109 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,277 - Probably or definitely? - Can't say at this stage. 110 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,709 - Will it have a glass lift? - No, a normal lift. 111 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,195 OK, what's the price? 112 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:37,551 Two weeks as Esther Rantzen's love bitch. 113 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,752 Is that a five-day week, or are weekends included? 114 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:45,032 - No, weekends are included. 14 days. - OK. Erm... no. 115 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:49,278 Whenever I'd look through the panoramic windows, I'd get flashbacks of how I got there. 116 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:53,951 So five days. And she gets to film it, with the possibility it might end up on the internet. 117 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,833 - Probably or definitely? - I can't say at this stage. 118 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,349 - That's the gamble you take. - OK, yes. 119 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:03,951 As long as at some stage in the future a glass lift was installed. 120 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,396 - Who was that? - Shagged his mum. 121 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:13,752 Highest sag factor in the league. I left my watch inside her. 122 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:25,353 - At least you look cool. - Yeah, well, I'm taking them back. 123 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:29,951 They said they were photochromic. They go dark when I come inside, and light... 124 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,310 - When you go outside? - Yeah. 125 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:36,796 Got them from the market. Still, they do look cool, though. 126 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,354 This psychologist, Carol Rothwell, 127 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:43,189 claims to have devised a formula for happiness. 128 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,436 - Can you do that? - She seems to think so. 129 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:49,792 Apparently, happiness = p + 5e squared, minus the square root of 3, minus D cubed - 130 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:54,994 where p = personal hygiene, e = entertainment value, and d = density. 131 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:59,318 - What does that mean? - I've no idea. It's put me in a bad mood. 132 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,715 Yeah, well... 133 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,990 Bloody happiness, eh? 134 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:08,716 Oh, you know, it's... more trouble than it's worth, that happiness. 135 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,559 You are so right, Martin. 136 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:15,832 I never wear sunglasses. I see the reflections of my own eyes staring back at me - 137 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,349 it's too spooky. 138 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:22,632 Yeah, well, you know, you've got really nice eyes. 139 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,350 Martin! 140 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,119 You think I've got really nice eyes? 141 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,949 Yeah, well, I mean... You know, the whole head is... is good. 142 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:37,631 But, well, it's your eyes... They're top eyes. 143 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,273 Ah! 144 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,312 Ah, you're really sweet. 145 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,876 Er... sweaty. 146 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,195 Erm, has anyone been in my office this morning? 147 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,959 - Just Lyndon. - Lyndon? 148 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,833 Yeah, he did that antivirus thing. 149 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,916 - Lyndon? - Mm-hm. 150 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,515 I didn't see Lyndon this morning. 151 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:37,076 Oh. Morning again. Nice to see you with some clothes on. 152 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:41,113 What? Oh, gosh, I'm sorry about the live bed-show with Liam. 153 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,073 I don't know what it is, it just keeps getting better. 154 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,078 - I guess we just click. - Sounds like you put your hip out. 155 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:51,273 - I could have done, the way he... - Enough! Enough of your clickety-clicking. 156 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:55,791 From now on, all clicking is to be done behind closed doors. 157 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,150 - Sorry, Mrs Landlady. - Don't call me that! 158 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:02,910 Makes me feel like a spinster smelling of wee who hasn't had a good click in ages. 159 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,998 Don't be silly. You're not a spinster, you're a babe. 160 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,192 - You think I'm a babe? - No, Guy does. 161 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:13,199 It's one of the categories in this chart of women staff. 162 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,756 There are scores, and look, here's you: arse. 163 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,080 - They've called me an arse? - No, it's the arse category. 164 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,638 - They've called me an arse? - No, it's the arse category. 165 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,830 - You've scored four. - Out of five? 166 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,951 Er, no. Ten. 167 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,629 - What did you get? - I don't know, and I couldn't care less. 168 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:30,955 - It's nonsense. - You got an eight for arse. 169 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,958 I got an eight? Did I really? That can't be right - 170 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,719 you only getting a four and me getting an eight. 171 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,070 That's nearly full marks. 172 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:43,591 Good for you! If it meant anything. Which it doesn't, cos it's nonsense. 173 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,915 Nonsense. 174 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:53,830 You... you arrange courses to help staff with personal development, don't you? 175 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,872 - I do. - Cos I was wondering... 176 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,798 - Yes? - Erm... 177 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,797 Is there some sort of... 178 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:08,235 male/female interrelationship creation course? 179 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,715 I mean, I'd go halves, so... 180 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:17,399 - What, a course for getting a girlfriend? - Well, yeah... I suppose, in a sense. 181 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,034 Well, why didn't you say, eh? 182 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,799 You don't need to go on a course. I can help you now. 183 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,672 - Really? - It's easy. 184 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,268 - OK. - Yeah. Let's have a look in here. 185 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,870 Oh, right. Here we go. Just the ticket. 186 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:34,788 Now, you just take these magic beans... 187 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,070 but mind out for the ogre. 188 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,636 Look, I'm not gonna plant any of your bloody beans! 189 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,115 - They don't work. - No? 190 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:55,830 - It's not your job to... 191 00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:00,556 - All I'm asking of you... 192 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,429 Er... yes, here's you. Nine. Congrats. 193 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,836 Nine? For what? '"Easiness'"? What the hell is that? 194 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,269 Easy-going, easy to get on with. It's good. 195 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:18,234 No, it's appalling. It's degrading, it's sexist, it's untrue. 196 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:22,433 - Somebody should probably report him. - Yeah. I know. 197 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:26,075 Gosh, I can't believe your arse only got a four and mine got an eight. 198 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,555 What about breasts? Is there a mark for pertness? 199 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:46,596 - Karen, where's the ward 2B file? - In the filing cabinet. 200 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,599 - Yes, but where? - Under '"ward 2B'". 201 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,757 - Karen, are you going to the snack machine? - Probably. 202 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,235 Can you get me a Toffee Crisp and some Quavers? 203 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,432 - Oh, and a carton of Ribena. - Yeah. 204 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,757 Can you get me a yoghurt from the canteen, and a frothy coffee, no sugar? 205 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,111 - Can't you get it yourself? - There's no point in us all going. 206 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:10,074 - Get a tray. - I'd like a frothy coffee. Two sugars. 207 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,033 - And a banana. - No, I won't! 208 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,515 I am not your slave! 209 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,551 Hark at her! Who rattled your cage? 210 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:25,118 You lot, I am sick of it! Taking advantage, just cos I haven't got any breasts! 211 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,276 Have you seen...? Hi. 212 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:49,318 - Hello. Lost something? - Er, maybe. 213 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,715 This, by any chance? It was lying around. 214 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,071 - Ah. - Makes very interesting reading. 215 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,476 Seems I score quite highly in all-round easiness. 216 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,990 Though I lose a few marks on cleanliness and mental attitude. 217 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,270 - Yeah, thing is... - Additional comments: 218 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:08,552 '"Probably looks up at you in a pleading way during intercourse.'" 219 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:13,149 - You're wondering what I've got to say? - Yeah, it crossed my mind. 220 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,748 - Well... the thing is... - What? 221 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,758 - Well, the... What you have to bear in mind... - Yes? 222 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,836 - ..is... is... - Is what? 223 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,830 It's Mac's. 224 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,991 - This... this is Doctor Macartney's? - Yes, it is. 225 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,954 Well, you... you shouldn't look like a man who has one of these. 226 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,788 Do you look up pleadingly during inter...? Yeah. 227 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,309 She probably does. 228 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:54,509 Control, alt, delete will lock your system and prevent your data getting wiped. 229 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:58,269 - I only went to the loo. - Sure. Just remember, control, alt, delete. 230 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:02,598 Then it doesn't matter if someone sits on your keyboard - all your files are safe. 231 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,075 - Show me again? - You try. 232 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,193 Well, OK then. This one, this one, and... 233 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,039 Gosh, they all look the same, don't they? 234 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,958 It's a bit of a stretch. I've only got tiny hands. 235 00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:17,435 - Use the other one. - Oh, OK. 236 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,836 - If you just... - (whispers ) Psst. Thank you. 237 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,110 Cheeky boy! 238 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,077 (normal voice) Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks. Big lug. 239 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,112 - For? - (whispers ) Love it. Love, love, love it. 240 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:34,392 (normal voice) The email was spot on. Yeah, very thoughtful. 241 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:40,195 You're a bad boy. A bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad boy. 242 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,958 - Laters? - Sorry? 243 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,389 Catch you laters. 244 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,159 Later, birthday drinks in the bar, about sixish. 245 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,953 - Not you. Just him. - I don't think I... 246 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,910 OK, do you want to try again? 247 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:17,277 You have the chauffeur-driven car 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, seven days a week. 248 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:22,030 If I wanted to go to any pub, at any hour, in any part of the country, it would take me? 249 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:22,956 Yes. 250 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,436 Would the driver be parked outside my house 24 hours a day? 251 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,074 - No. - How would I contact him? 252 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:33,751 - OK, whatever. He's outside 24 hours. - One man can't stay awake 24 hours a day. 253 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,235 There are several drivers working in shifts. 254 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,351 - Would he have a uniform? - Yes. 255 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,074 - Designed by me? - Yes. 256 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:45,034 - What make of car? - You would have... a Bentley. 257 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,835 But more than a Bentley. You would have a Bentley with... 258 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,916 diplomatic immunity. 259 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,829 The price? 260 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,150 Three nights of passion... with Dr Alan Statham. 261 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,556 I'll do it. Diplomatic immunity? Bargain! 262 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,831 What about the same thing without immunity? 263 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:12,839 Only if I have a Swiss flag on the front of the Bentley, like ambassadors do. 264 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:17,476 Every day you'll go to work, see him, and be reminded of the horrors of those three nights. 265 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,160 - But I'd have a chauffeur-driven Bentley! - Fair point. 266 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,157 (triumphant singing) 267 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,350 Yes, fair point. 268 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,835 - He's waking up. - Oh, yes. 269 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,355 Hello, Mum. It's me again. 270 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,471 Don't hang up. I know you're there. 271 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,556 I just want... 272 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,190 Hi, Mum. It's me again. I... 273 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,075 Celebrating Joanna's birthday. Piece of cake? 274 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:11,875 - No, I'm here to discuss Lyndon. - Oh, right, the Prince of Darkness. 275 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:15,072 Yes, and that's partly... absolutely nothing to do with it. 276 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,715 It's just that, erm... I think we're going to have to let him go. 277 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,876 Lovely, lovely. Lovely Lyndon. 278 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,676 The female contingent in the hospital feel unable to talk about it, so they... 279 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:30,237 I've designated myself their voice. Erm... he looms. 280 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:31,839 - Looms? - Yes. 281 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,188 - Cake? - No. 282 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,400 He creeps out of dark corners in frankly a predatory fashion, 283 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,277 He creeps out of dark corners in frankly a predatory fashion, 284 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,073 with his ulterior ways, 285 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,839 and he slips into their still-warm seats. 286 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,916 - He unsettles them. - Does he now? 287 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:50,273 - And who exactly does he unsettle? - I'm speaking for many anonymous women. 288 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:55,679 - I need names. - Well, erm, Joanna... Clore for one. 289 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:58,519 She's unsettled by his loomingness. 290 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:04,909 Er... she becomes breathy and skittish around him, and a moisture forms on her brows. 291 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,917 Erm... 292 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,872 Would you say that I'm looming now? 293 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,673 No, you remain completely unscary, in spite of... 294 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:18,794 And don't think I know what you're getting at, w-with your face paint. 295 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:23,398 - She's in there. - I can't wait to meet this perfect woman. 296 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,830 The one who scores top in everything, including personality. 297 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:31,590 Men are such dopes. Don't they realise women who are too nice are secretly evil? 298 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,791 Yes. Very slowly. 299 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,990 Slowly. Yes. Come on. 300 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,509 Very good. Yes! Come on. 301 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,710 Yes! 302 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,957 - You see? Pure evil. - Yeah. 303 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:53,074 She's playing on their emotions, turning on the tears so they like her more. 304 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,272 - She's got a big mouth. - But men like that. It's voluptuous. 305 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,392 Yeah, but not like a letter box. You've got a big mouth. 306 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,476 - No, I haven't. - Yes, you have. 307 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,149 - That's not your real mouth. - This is a pert mouth. 308 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,713 - I'm not. - Not what? 309 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:12,436 One of those people who thinks ill of someone because of their... er... 310 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:16,235 I think we've all of us learnt from the pop group Showaddywaddy. 311 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:20,319 The story goes that, out of the entire pop group, 312 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,352 they had only nine O levels between them - 313 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,517 obviously the result of a comprehensive education. 314 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,632 But the Caucasians hadn't passed any exams at all, 315 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:34,038 and it was in fact the darker... the darkest chap 316 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,594 who in fact passed all of the exams himself. 317 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:41,635 Everyone was amazed. Who would have thought it of the... the... 318 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,634 But not me. I wasn't surprised in the least. 319 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:49,594 - You weren't? - No. The rest of the group were clearly... 320 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:51,676 (mumbling) 321 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,750 And so, that's... that's why. 322 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,156 ( door opens and closes ) 323 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,353 No. 324 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:13,993 Non. 325 00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:14,950 Nein. 326 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,117 That's it for the prawn cocktail. Ready salted. 327 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,117 OK. Non. 328 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,593 No. 329 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,759 Yes! Yes, direct hit. Open it up. Open her up. 330 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,996 - Yes! 20 quid. - 20 quid! 331 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,076 - That's 80 quid now. - 20 British quid. 332 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,749 Stick it with the others. There's plenty more to come. 333 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,313 No. 334 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,238 This is out of bounds, Mr Boyce. What are you doing? 335 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:41,999 Me? I, er... just wanted to be at the helm. 336 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:45,430 Just wanted to feel what it was like to be like you. 337 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,630 Dream on, Mr Boyce. Dream on! 338 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,399 You will never know what it's like to be like me. 339 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:54,274 I know that now. Takes someone special to control a ship like that. 340 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,198 - Yes, it does. - You're special. 341 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:01,029 You're like Obi-Wan Kenobi to my Luke Skywalker. 342 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,953 So, er... what makes me special, then? 343 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,913 - What? - What makes me special? 344 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,952 You have the whole effortless charm thing going for you. 345 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,674 - Do I? - Of course you do. Everyone can see it. 346 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,995 But what have I got? 347 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:32,040 Dunno. 348 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,029 Dunno. 349 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,674 You must do. I know what makes you attractive, 350 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,519 so surely you must sense what my special gift is. 351 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:41,393 Charts. You do nice charts. 352 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,353 - Do I? - Yes, very neat handwriting. 353 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,436 Really? 354 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,355 - Anything else? - Erm... 355 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:55,596 Well... 356 00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,836 Eyes like blue... 357 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:03,277 - Are they? - Like chipped blue ice. 358 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,996 - What have you got there? - Soup. 359 00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:11,634 - What kind? - Minestrone flavour. 360 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,150 - Minestrone's not a flavour. - It is. 361 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,635 No. A flavour's like... 362 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:22,276 strawberry, or salt and vinegar, or sour cream and chive. 363 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,119 - Vanilla. - Yeah, vanilla. Or lemon. 364 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:29,438 - Pistachio. - We could say, '"What flavour's minestrone?'" 365 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,199 '"Is it tomatoey or garlicky?'" 366 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,632 Or oniony. 367 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,876 - It's minestrone-y. - No, it fucking isn't! 368 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,956 - Please don't swear. - You haven't tried it. 369 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,913 - I don't care. There's no such thing. - It's my soup. 370 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,077 It's not a bloody flavour, all right? 371 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:50,231 Mmm! 372 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:52,316 Minestrone-y. 373 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,156 Tomatoey. 374 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,678 Left hands. Unless you want to sort your hair out. 375 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,234 - Prepare to burn. - Light the flames. 376 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,831 Er, right. Yes, that's good. Ready? 377 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,155 - Yeah. - Don't go till I say, OK? 378 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,236 - Ready? Three, two... - You fucker! 379 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:21,636 - Burn, you titty! - Find the extra gear. 380 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,273 - (groans ) - Oh, yes. 381 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:27,075 - No! - Feel the heat. Feel the heat. 382 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,191 - Ow! - Void. 383 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,278 - No, it's not. - It is. The Fartin dropped the match. 384 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,153 - I won. - Sorry, that's my final word on the matter. 385 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:38,352 Sorry, Mac. It was burning my finger, see? It throbs. 386 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,313 - You want a rematch? Why not? - I don't want to. 387 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,237 - Yeah, cos you're afraid to lose. - No! 388 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:47,353 - Right, we want a word with you. - No, I won't go out with you both. 389 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:51,553 Not you, him. About this ridiculous league table of women. 390 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:55,639 - Where'd you get that? - A print-out from Mac's poisonous gadget. 391 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,990 It's childish and offensive. 392 00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:00,509 Actually, most women would be flattered at the attention. 393 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,518 - He gave Caroline's bum a four out of ten! - Shut up! 394 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,596 - He knows what he gave you. - Do I? 395 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,712 Well, actually, in that skirt, you are a four out of ten. 396 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,796 - I would give you a nine. - Thank you, Martin. 397 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:14,390 If you were wearing cuppy pants, you might have the arse of a seven. 398 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:19,719 But in those, it's a four. So, we were... he was just stating a fact. 399 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,638 - End of story. - No, it's not the end of the story. 400 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,797 I don't say, '"Guy, you look like the donkey from Shrek. '" 401 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,879 Or, '"Ginger freak'" to Mac. Or, '"Martin, you look like a vole.'" 402 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:34,198 Or you, Boyce, '"You look like a porcelain lady-boy sometimes.'" Do I? 403 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:38,950 No, you don't. Because that would be offensive, and that would be personal abuse, 404 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,799 as stated in the discrimination policy. 405 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:43,876 - What? - You heard. 406 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:48,437 You just made discriminatory remarks about each one of us. 407 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,471 - No, I didn't. - Yes, you did. 408 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,798 You said he looks like the donkey from Shrek. That is making fun of physical deformity. 409 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,673 You said Boyce looks like a lady-boy. Homophobic. 410 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:01,270 You said I'm a ginger freak. That's colour-blind, for a start. 411 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:04,790 - It's also racist. - You said I look like a vole. 412 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:10,435 Yeah. You said all these things in front of witnesses. 413 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,438 - You're lucky that we don't report you. - I might report you. 414 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:18,395 - You can't. I've done nothing wrong. - You kind of have. 415 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,956 I suggest that you leave, and we won't take this any further. 416 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:26,031 - Well, wh-what about the table? - If you ignore the table, 417 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:31,792 we will let the homophobic, the racist, the disability jibes slide. 418 00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:41,149 - Nice one, Mac. - Yours, I believe. 419 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,919 As is this. 420 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,759 - Do you really think I look like a vole? - (all) Yeah. 421 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:50,156 Listen, I really appreciate that. Thanks. I won't forget it. 422 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:54,512 - Neither will I. - There's nothing wrong with ginger pubes. 423 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,596 Eee-aw! 424 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,189 - Ugh! - A-ha! A-ha-ha-ha! 425 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:14,675 There she is. There's the birthday girl. 426 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,712 - Yes. What? - Got my little token, I see. 427 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:21,515 - Your what? - My symbol of affection. 428 00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:23,835 - This isn't from you? - Yes, it is. 429 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:28,829 Thank you very much. I secretly put it on your desk this morning. 430 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:30,518 Bugger! 431 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:34,792 It's, erm... It's from Enobarbus to his Cleopatra. 432 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:38,189 Sorry, you said '"bugger'". Why did you say that? 433 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,834 It had to be from you - the bloody thing's broken. 434 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:44,589 - It can't be. - It is. Did you get it from the market? 435 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,917 - It's shoddy. I've got gluey stuff all over me. - Oh, dear. 436 00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,508 - We'll have that fixed. - What is it, anyway? 437 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,313 Well, have a guess. Go on, have a guess. 438 00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:55,795 - I don't know. - It's man's milk. 439 00:29:56,840 --> 00:30:01,356 - It's... my love juice. - That had better be a joke. 440 00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:03,710 Don't worry, I can easily refill it. 441 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:05,956 Well, not here obviously. 442 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:11,234 Are you telling me you've given me a spunk-filled locket for my birthday? 443 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:15,598 Happy birthday to you 444 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,995 Now that you're 52! 445 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:20,759 - Joke. Nice trinket. May I? - No! 446 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:24,270 Well, there seems to be a slight discharge there. 447 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:28,598 - What is that? Perfume? - No. No, it's a special nectar. 448 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:32,868 It's an Indian tribal youth-giving... 449 00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:36,117 - It's hippy shit, you know. - Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! 450 00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:39,596 Yum, yum! We could all do with a bit of youth. 451 00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,997 - Are you in the market for a bun? - No, I'm not. 452 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:49,032 - Thank you so much. - I've got you something else. 453 00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:52,675 You'll get your main present... later. 454 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:08,312 - OK, why has my wee gone blue? - Blue? Oh, shouldn't be that colour. 455 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:12,956 - Broadly speaking, that's my point, Dr Tit. - Maybe you have a hideous wasting disease. 456 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:16,675 Or maybe somebody spiked my lunch with something to make my wee blue. 457 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,678 - We wouldn't do that. - Let's put that to the test. 458 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,950 - Eat some of that. - I don't want it. 459 00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:24,435 - Guilt speaks. - I just don't like sweetcorn. 460 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,790 - Can I pick it out? - And remove the evidence? 461 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:31,471 Hang on. Are you seriously suggesting that I got a syringe, 462 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:35,639 injected individual pieces of sweetcorn with stuff that makes wee blue? 463 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:38,320 - (pager bleeping) - Of course we didn't. 464 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,398 - Yeah, well, I... - Of course not. 465 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,993 It was in your Fanta. 466 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:49,792 '"Dr Tit'"! 467 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:55,597 Good. I think this demonstrates perfectly the hip screw I was discussing yesterday. 468 00:31:55,720 --> 00:32:00,077 - It's cold in here. - Yes, it's a problem with the heating. 469 00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:02,475 I can see your nipples through your shirt. 470 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:07,159 - Erm... can you? - They're like little bullets pointing at me. 471 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,350 Stand behind me so you can't see them. 472 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:11,835 Yeah. Sorry, yeah. 473 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:16,272 So, something may be caught. The iliopsoas muscle may be entrapped 474 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:21,155 between the overhanging cup component, on the one hand, and the... 475 00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:24,909 The thing is is that I still know that they're erect. 476 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,160 Look, it's a perfectly unremarkable involuntary physical response. 477 00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:30,673 Look, it's a perfectly unremarkable involuntary physical response. 478 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,314 Kindly pay attention and stop thinking about my nipples. 479 00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:35,271 I'm sorry. Of course. 480 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:40,190 So we're looking for an abnormality of some sort, possibly. 481 00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:44,871 In this case, specifically... (mumbles ) 482 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,231 I think yours are erect now, by the way. 483 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:50,157 - Are they? - Yes. 484 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:52,840 They're like beady eyes. 485 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:55,190 Must be the cold. 486 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:59,108 Er, there's a nip in the air, as it were. 487 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:02,516 (polite chuckle) Why don't we go back to the x-rays, 488 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,791 but this time we could rub our nipples to bring them down? 489 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:07,876 That's good. Very good. 490 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,516 Oh, they're retracting. 491 00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:21,918 When... (mumbles ) 492 00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:28,433 ..an infiltration into the painful muscle of local anaesthetic would... 493 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,199 (mumbles ) 494 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:36,156 ..some relief, obviously. 495 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:38,510 And, er... (mumbles ) 496 00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:40,392 Goodbye. 497 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:43,590 Erm... 498 00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:46,632 c-correct, Doctor. 499 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:51,834 Well done. That's cleared... cleared that... 500 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:55,754 All shipshape and... 501 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:57,472 I'll check... 502 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:01,479 Happy birthday to you 503 00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:05,236 Happy birthday to you 504 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:07,476 Happy bir... 505 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:25,916 - (knock on door) - Enter. 506 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:29,629 Ah, Dr Todd. Come in, take a seat. 507 00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:31,716 Thank you. 508 00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,394 Oh, God, I... You've... Well, they're... 509 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:38,272 - Bigger? - Yes. 510 00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:40,516 How odd you notice. 511 00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:43,359 Not really. They're hard to miss. 512 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:47,951 Oh. Like you, I'm drawn to large breasts. Full ones. 513 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:50,514 - I'm not drawn to them. - You noticed mine. 514 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:53,313 - Well, yes... - Comforting, aren't they? 515 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:56,238 I think I want to touch a big woman's breasts. 516 00:34:56,360 --> 00:35:00,672 I'm not a lesbian, it's just they look so inviting, don't they? 517 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:05,794 Well, actually, maybe I am a lesbian. 518 00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:19,991 - Breathe. Breathe. - (manic laughter) 519 00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:25,152 - Now, how can I help? - It doesn't... 520 00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:30,198 Well, I just have some concerns about attitudes to female staff. 521 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:34,552 Some of the male doctors are... I don't think it matters now. 522 00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:42,630 - Did you just throw your breast at me? - No. 523 00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:44,716 - Do you want me to? - No. 524 00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:02,239 - Marty! - Boycie! 525 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:03,799 - Marty! - Boycie! 526 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:05,473 - Marty! - Boycie! 527 00:36:05,720 --> 00:36:07,073 - Marty! - Boycie! 528 00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:09,720 - Marty! - Boycie! 529 00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:15,477 - Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty! - Boycie, Boycie, Boycie, Boycie, Boycie! 530 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:16,999 - Marty! - Boycie! 531 00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:19,196 - Marty! - Boycie! 532 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:21,276 Stop it. 533 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:27,556 Boycie! 534 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:49,596 Erm... you're... you're... 535 00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:52,951 you're probably thinking that, erm... 536 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:55,876 er... 537 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:00,596 In some way... 538 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:04,236 But, er... 539 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:09,109 Ooh, Karen! Martin Dear '"isn't he queer'" is on his way up. 540 00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:12,915 - Oh, my God. How do I look? - Rough. 541 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,237 I know, crouch down. It makes you look less ugly. 542 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:19,238 - OK. - No, crouch. 543 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:21,669 Hm, still ugly. Yes. 544 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:28,117 Is, erm... Joanna, Joanna Clore in the... 545 00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:32,109 the... 546 00:37:32,240 --> 00:37:34,754 - (clears throat) Hello, ladies. - Martin. 547 00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:37,758 - Or Dr Dear. - Whatever. 548 00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:41,953 Is... is frizzhead around - the one with the curly hair? 549 00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,036 - I need some T and D forms. - I'm here. 550 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:46,993 - What you doing down there? - Searching. 551 00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:49,076 - For what? - Something. 552 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,760 Can I get some forms, please? 553 00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:55,880 They're... they're over there. 554 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:57,956 I'll get them. 555 00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:06,156 - There you go. - Thanks. 556 00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:08,191 So... 557 00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:10,276 got lots of hair, haven't you? 558 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:11,549 Yeah. 559 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:13,636 Curly wurly, sort of... 560 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:17,116 Is it... is it like that all over? D'you... 561 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,076 D'you... 562 00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:25,992 Can you tell Joanna Clore that I have passed by, please? 563 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:28,076 Thanks. 564 00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:35,238 See? I told you you look better crouched down. 565 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:42,554 And what is this? 566 00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:44,398 - Mr Boyce? - It's a bone. 567 00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:48,149 Of course it's a bone, you fool. The question is, which bone is it? 568 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,350 - That's not the question you asked. - It is. 569 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,119 No, you said, '"What's this?'" 570 00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:55,913 Yes, well, I meant, '"What bone is this?'" 571 00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:57,996 Hm... don't know. 572 00:38:58,120 --> 00:39:01,476 Then don't waste people's time by raising your nipple... hands 573 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:06,071 to ask a question - answer - that you have no idea about. 574 00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:09,829 I knew the answer to the question you asked, so I was right to raise my hand. 575 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:12,394 It wasn't the question I meant, so you were wrong. 576 00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:16,672 - Is that not a bone? - Yes, but you didn't get the question right. 577 00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:20,873 - I didn't answer that question. - Just... That is beside the point. 578 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:22,956 Just cease now! 579 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:27,518 - Do I still have chipped-ice blue eyes? - Moving on. 580 00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:32,077 - And neat handwriting? - Moving on! Anybody know what this is? 581 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:35,317 - It's a bone. - Mr Boyce, you... Nobody move! 582 00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:43,675 - Where is everyone? - Gone. 583 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:47,270 - What, to the bar? - No, home, I think. 584 00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:49,595 Good. What a relief. 585 00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:53,190 God, I was dreading having to make conversation with you lot, 586 00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:57,711 - pretend we all like each other. - Yes, well, have a nice night. 587 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,715 This isn't a joke, is it? You know, a surprise party. 588 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:06,071 I think you've all gone home, then find you're all in the bar? 589 00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:07,599 No. 590 00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:11,759 - Cos I'd hate that. - It's all right, that's not the plan. 591 00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:13,800 Good. Good! What a relief. 592 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:14,038 Good. Good! What a relief. 593 00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:25,673 - There's not one colour photo in this. - That's an old one, that one. 594 00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:28,075 - I mean... - '"I mean'"? Yes? 595 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,156 - Nothing. - No, go on. 596 00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:34,034 How would you boys feel if I'd been compiling a league table about you, 597 00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:38,278 reducing you to mere physical attributes listed in cold numerical order, 598 00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:41,870 - and just concentrating on sex, sex, sex?! - I'd like that. 599 00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:43,991 - I'd be fascinated. - Unbelievable! 600 00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:46,190 All right, we'll make one up, shall we? 601 00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:50,791 Arses, out of ten. Guy, six. Mac, four. Martin, seven. 602 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:54,515 Hair. Martin, three. Mac, three. Guy, six. 603 00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:56,995 Fuckocity. Nil. 604 00:40:57,120 --> 00:40:59,395 Nil. 605 00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:01,476 - Guess what. - What? 606 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:02,874 Nil. 607 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,833 - OK? Happy, boys? - Yeah, very. 608 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:12,636 I got seven for my arse. 609 00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:15,194 - Oh, shut up. - She was making it up. 610 00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:17,515 Those words came out of her mouth. 611 00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:21,553 - '"Vole'" came out of her mouth earlier. - Along with '"face'" and '"donkey'". 612 00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:24,433 - I still got a seven. - No, you didn't get a seven. 613 00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:28,838 That was made up. She was just saying the first thing that came into her head. 614 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,236 It is hard to suppress thoughts completely, and she did it quickly, 615 00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:36,273 so there might be something in it - you do have the shittest hair. 616 00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:40,473 If you actually listened, you'd remember I tied with Martin on hair. 617 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:45,037 Yeah, but I won it! And what's more, with a clear three-point margin. 618 00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:47,355 And I had the highest combined total. 619 00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:51,917 That is it. I think there might be something in it after all. 620 00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:54,838 We still got nil for fuckocity, though, didn't we? 621 00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:56,916 Yeah, we did. 622 00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:00,879 Still, I've got the nicest arse. 623 00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:10,556 (mechanical humming) 624 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:50,558 I said, '"You do not know the difference between diphenhydramine hydrochloride 625 00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:52,636 and nucleic acid.'" 626 00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:54,716 (chuckles ) 627 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:57,956 - Another drink? - Alan, you go. 628 00:42:58,080 --> 00:43:00,799 - I don't mind. - No, it's Dr Statham's turn. 629 00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:02,876 - No, it isn't. - You know it is. 630 00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:07,152 No. Well, actually, it's just that I'd rather not go to the bar. 631 00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:11,831 It might be rather awkward, cos the staff and I had a bit of a disagreement. 632 00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:14,394 - About what? - Erm... 633 00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:18,115 br... bringing a dog into the bar. 634 00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:20,515 - You haven't got a dog. - No, that's right. 635 00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:26,795 That's why they wouldn't serve me. They said they were only serving dog owners. 636 00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:30,356 - That's bizarre. - Yes. Quite mad, they are. 637 00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:33,074 - There's some money. If you don't mind. - He does mind. 638 00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:35,555 - No, he doesn't mind. - I don't. 639 00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:40,988 What's the matter with you? Can't you do your own thing for one minute? 640 00:43:41,120 --> 00:43:44,795 What, and leave you alone with him? You must be mad! 641 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,115 - He's got methods. - What? 642 00:43:47,240 --> 00:43:51,631 He's got devious ways. One minute you're having a perfectly nice drink, 643 00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:56,072 the next minute you're spread-eagled on a rug in the woods 644 00:43:56,200 --> 00:44:02,309 while he's rutting on top of you, ploughing his mucky little furrow. 645 00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:04,476 Mmm! 646 00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:06,238 What? 647 00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:08,316 Nothing. 648 00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:14,915 - What you doing? - Writing a speech. 649 00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:17,759 - You resigning? - No, it's his best-man speech. 650 00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:19,871 - You gonna be a best man? - Yep. 651 00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:22,230 - Fuck. - He's been asked to do it seven times. 652 00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:26,433 - That is popularity for you. - You wanna watch it, mate. 653 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:30,314 My dad used to say to me, '"Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.'" 654 00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:32,908 - You were a bridesmaid? - What? No, I... 655 00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:36,510 You said your father said, '"Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.'" 656 00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:39,950 That would imply that you were a bridesmaid. 657 00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,230 - It was a turn of phrase. - A turn of gender? 658 00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:46,194 Actually, in Switzerland, it's quite common for men to be bridesmaids. 659 00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:49,118 - No, it isn't. - Are you Swiss? You don't know. 660 00:44:49,240 --> 00:44:52,038 I do know that bridesmaids are women. What did you wear? 661 00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:55,709 Fuck off. A long tunic. 662 00:44:55,840 --> 00:44:57,910 - A dress. - No. I was five. 663 00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:02,079 I don't care how old you were. That is a thing that girls do. 664 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:06,112 - If you tell anyone, I'll cut your heart out. - Whatever! 665 00:45:06,240 --> 00:45:08,800 '"Always the bridesmaid'" - that's brilliant. 666 00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:12,117 I said shut up. I'm gonna go and strain the greens. 667 00:45:12,240 --> 00:45:14,231 (Mac) Yep. 668 00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:28,396 I bet you look lovely in a tunic. 669 00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:31,673 - If you want to go to the loo, go. - I don't. 670 00:45:31,800 --> 00:45:36,555 I know you do. You're sitting there jiggling with your legs crossed, like you always do. 671 00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:40,309 - Maybe I should go. - Oh, no, please, Lyndon. It's my birthday. 672 00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:42,670 Maybe just a few minutes. 673 00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:47,512 So, the world of IT. 674 00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:50,359 What a mystery it is to the rest of us. 675 00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:53,597 - How long have you been doing it for now? - Four years. 676 00:45:53,720 --> 00:45:56,598 - Four years? Hmm. - All right, you win. 677 00:45:56,720 --> 00:45:59,518 Just remember what I said. He's got methods. 678 00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:02,796 OK. 679 00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:07,633 - I'm OK. - Lyndon. 680 00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:10,877 Lyndon, I don't think I got my birthday kiss. 681 00:46:13,120 --> 00:46:15,315 - Hello. - What the hell do you want? 682 00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:18,750 Dr Statham said he'd give me 20 quid if I sat here. Peanut? 683 00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:20,836 - I'd better go. - Oh, no, Lyndon... 684 00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:22,916 Oh, fuck! 685 00:46:27,560 --> 00:46:29,915 Just bring it straight through. 686 00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:32,429 Careful, Liam. 687 00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:36,997 - I thought you'd moved all your stuff in. - Just all the little bits and bobs. 688 00:46:37,120 --> 00:46:38,917 - Right. - Is this yours? 689 00:46:39,040 --> 00:46:41,873 Yes. Actually, I'd rather you didn't play with that. 690 00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:44,878 Sorry. It's just it was quite expensive. 691 00:46:45,920 --> 00:46:47,880 - How long have you been playing? - Oh, let me see. 692 00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:48,392 - How long have you been playing? - Oh, let me see. 693 00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:51,910 God, erm... It was when I was... so... 694 00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:54,759 - About six months. - Have you taken any grades? 695 00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:58,077 Oh, no, no, no. It's purely for relaxation. 696 00:46:59,720 --> 00:47:02,996 I'm completely self-taught. The thing about the flute is, 697 00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:06,590 it's a far more complicated business than you'd imagine. 698 00:47:06,720 --> 00:47:11,271 It actually takes about three months to get any sound out of it at all. 699 00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:14,790 - Really? - Yeah, yeah. I'm getting quite good now. 700 00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:18,230 - Maybe I will take an exam. - Brilliant. 701 00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:20,920 I used to play the flute when I was little. 702 00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:25,397 Sure you're not thinking about the recorder? This goes out to the side, not up and down. 703 00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:28,751 I'm pretty sure it was one of those long silvery tube things. 704 00:47:28,880 --> 00:47:30,996 - Good job it's not nickel-plated. - Why? 705 00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:34,669 Acidic perspiration makes all the plating come off. 706 00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:37,951 That'd be no good to a sweaty pig like me. They'd just dissolve. 707 00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,799 - No, I didn't mean... - Maybe we could play together. 708 00:47:40,920 --> 00:47:43,309 - Do you still have your flute? - No. 709 00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:46,910 Ah. It gets a bit difficult after the first year, doesn't it? 710 00:47:47,040 --> 00:47:48,996 - I just sort of moved on. - Yeah? 711 00:47:49,120 --> 00:47:51,395 - ( door shuts ) - A bit daunting, was it? 712 00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:55,991 - Where d'you wanna put the harp? - Hang on. Let me give you a hand. 713 00:47:58,320 --> 00:48:00,675 (urinating) 714 00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:04,315 - Not waiting to take drugs, I hope? - What? 715 00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:08,991 That's what people do - take drugs in the cubicles. I read it in a report. 716 00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:12,351 Are you, er... are you accusing me of taking cocaine on duty? 717 00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:14,675 No, no, no. Just... 718 00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:19,078 I fully understand you're just waiting to do... to do a private poo. 719 00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:22,112 No, I'm not waiting to do a private poo. 720 00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:26,912 I, er... just normally like using a cubicle. 721 00:48:27,040 --> 00:48:30,396 But just to prove to you that I'm not doing drugs or wanting a poo, 722 00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:33,592 I will use the urinal, OK? 723 00:48:33,720 --> 00:48:35,676 Yes, yes. 724 00:48:42,680 --> 00:48:44,113 Erm... 725 00:48:44,240 --> 00:48:47,869 You do realise that your... your wee is... 726 00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:53,396 - fluorescent? - Yes, thank you. Yes. 727 00:48:55,160 --> 00:48:57,116 Fuck! Shit! 728 00:48:59,720 --> 00:49:01,676 It's not a discharge. 729 00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:10,795 - Stealer. - What? 730 00:49:11,840 --> 00:49:15,958 You've got a rug in the woods, haven't you? Warmed and waiting. 731 00:49:16,080 --> 00:49:17,832 - I beg your pardon? - You heard. 732 00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:21,236 Didn't work this time, though, did it? Mister! 733 00:49:22,800 --> 00:49:24,199 Mental! 734 00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:28,791 I-I... I just think it's something you might have mentioned before you moved in. 735 00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:31,912 Yeah, I know. And gosh, I'm so sorry. I really am. 736 00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:36,955 The thing is, it's such a part of me that I sometimes forget that it's quite big. 737 00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:39,389 I think it's terribly exciting. 738 00:49:39,520 --> 00:49:42,990 And you can play it, can you? Or do you just... just jam? 739 00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:46,669 I wouldn't say I could play to a professional standard. I got Grade 7. 740 00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:48,756 Oh, what a clever baby! 741 00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:53,158 But when I made the decision to do medicine, well... I just play for pleasure now. 742 00:49:53,280 --> 00:49:55,236 That I want to see. 743 00:49:55,360 --> 00:49:59,114 But if it's going to cause a row, then I can just pop it into storage. 744 00:49:59,240 --> 00:50:02,391 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No. - No, no, no. 745 00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:05,956 No, no, it's fine. I wouldn't dream of it. 746 00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:08,674 I'm really looking forward to hearing you play. 747 00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:12,360 - Isn't it a shame you didn't get Grade 8? - I know! 748 00:50:12,360 --> 00:50:12,758 - Isn't it a shame you didn't get Grade 8? - I know! 749 00:50:14,960 --> 00:50:16,916 ( discordant note) 750 00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:32,596 - Hi, there. - God! Don't do that. 751 00:50:32,720 --> 00:50:35,678 - Did I scare you? - No, I meant don't come near me. 752 00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:38,394 - I've got something for you. 753 00:50:38,520 --> 00:50:40,590 Go on, then. Make it quick. 754 00:50:41,520 --> 00:50:44,751 Well, happy birthday... 755 00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:46,836 Mum. 756 00:50:50,040 --> 00:50:51,871 Bugger off! 757 00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:55,837 - What about a birthday hug? - Great. Find me a fireman. 758 00:50:55,960 --> 00:50:57,996 - No, I meant from your son. - No. 759 00:50:58,120 --> 00:51:00,076 Please? 760 00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:11,874 - Oh, happy birthday, Mum. - Yeah. 761 00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:15,072 - Oh, you're lovely. - No, I'm not. 762 00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:18,919 ( dragging sound from upstairs ) 763 00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:21,636 (no note) 764 00:51:47,280 --> 00:51:50,989 - You're like a big, pink hot-water bottle. - Yeah, thanks very much. 765 00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:56,399 Right. So, the Heimlich manoeuvre from the front is basically a non-starter. 766 00:51:56,520 --> 00:52:00,672 Yeah, that's right. The Heimlich manoeuvre from the front is not gonna work. 767 00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:03,633 - It's dangerous. - Nice talking to you, Dr Dear. 768 00:52:03,760 --> 00:52:05,716 - Good. - Go away. 63132

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