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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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♪ Come on, Eileen ♪
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♪ Oh, I swear, well, he means ♪
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♪ At this moment ♪
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♪ You mean everything ♪
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♪ You in that dress ♪
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♪ My thoughts, I confess ♪
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♪ Verge on dirty ♪
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♪ Ah, come on, Eileen ♪
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♪ Jim is calling ♪
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♪ Jim is calling ♪
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♪ You're so lucky
'cause Jim is calling ♪
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- Pick up, pick up.
- Yo.
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00:00:41,957 --> 00:00:44,834
I've been googling. I
think I have a dermoid cyst.
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A what?
16
00:00:46,002 --> 00:00:47,337
A dermoid cyst.
17
00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:50,184
Some of them have hair and teeth.
18
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There's a chance it's my embryonic twin
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who I devoured when we were
sharing our mother's womb.
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Take a look.
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I think it's just a
skin tag. Hack it off.
22
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Hack it off? Put the
axe down, Lizzie Borden.
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00:01:05,074 --> 00:01:06,575
Ask Trey. He's the genius.
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Trey is sleeping.
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Trey was sleeping.
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Hi, hun.
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00:01:11,998 --> 00:01:13,583
Jim just stumbled upon
some kind of growth
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- under his arm.
- Hey, Trey.
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Weigh in on this.
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So far, we got skin
tag or embryonic twin.
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Guys, not now. I gotta sleep.
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He's just psyching himself
up to cut the thing off.
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Okay. Well, go get 'em, tiger.
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I'm rooting for you. Night, night.
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Do it if you can. And if you
chicken out, I'll come by tomorrow
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and cut off your junk.
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I beg of you, cut off my twin,
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but leave my junk.
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Please, make it stop.
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See? See? Trey agrees.
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We need a protest march
with signs and songs.
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Hands off men's junk.
Ooh, actually, bad idea.
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It's Julia. Please, leave a message.
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Okay, guys, I have resolved to murder
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my long lost twin little brother.
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So, if I die too,
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please donate both of
our bodies to science.
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Okay, I'm opening the scissors.
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Three, two, one.
50
00:02:14,636 --> 00:02:17,333
Ow! That was so stupid!
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00:02:45,612 --> 00:02:46,790
Hey, babe.
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00:02:46,831 --> 00:02:49,042
Look at my sleep tracker
which grades my sleep
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00:02:49,053 --> 00:02:50,888
with stunning accuracy.
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Ooh, 58. That's good, right?
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00:02:53,224 --> 00:02:54,850
No, that's 58 out of 100.
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00:02:54,861 --> 00:02:57,280
That's an F. I'm flunking sleep.
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00:02:57,384 --> 00:03:00,387
Why? Because lately, Jim
calls every single night.
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00:03:00,649 --> 00:03:02,347
To update me on the kids.
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00:03:02,358 --> 00:03:03,859
Well, it starts with kid talk,
60
00:03:03,932 --> 00:03:07,227
but it always shifts
to other talk, Jim talk,
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00:03:07,269 --> 00:03:09,688
about Jim things.
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Things Jim read, things Jim's
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thinking of reading, things Jim ate,
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00:03:13,650 --> 00:03:15,944
things Jim thinks Jim
would enjoy eating.
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00:03:15,986 --> 00:03:18,989
Jim things, Jim things.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jim things.
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00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:23,034
Look, our windows
have blackout curtains,
67
00:03:23,076 --> 00:03:26,079
but what we need now
is Jim-out curtains.
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00:03:26,384 --> 00:03:27,414
I hear you.
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00:03:27,455 --> 00:03:30,083
I admire your commitment
to a thriving divorce,
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00:03:30,125 --> 00:03:31,793
but I need my sleep.
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00:03:31,835 --> 00:03:33,378
Please, I am begging you.
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00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:37,883
Please, just tell him, "Jim,
don't call after 10:00, Jim."
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Do I have to say his name twice?
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00:03:39,593 --> 00:03:42,053
I think it conveys the proper
gravitas of this situation.
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00:03:42,095 --> 00:03:44,145
Two Jims it is. I'll
say it just like that.
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Thank you.
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00:03:47,458 --> 00:03:49,585
I did not say it just like that.
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00:03:49,728 --> 00:03:52,606
In fact, I did not say
it anything like that.
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00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:55,024
In fact, I did not say it at all.
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I had planned to say it,
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00:03:56,256 --> 00:03:58,300
but before I could, fate stepped in.
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00:03:58,517 --> 00:04:01,812
Fate sent me a message on Facebook.
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00:04:06,928 --> 00:04:09,778
Can you believe this? 19
years later, here we are.
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00:04:09,789 --> 00:04:11,166
I know. I love Facebook.
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00:04:11,208 --> 00:04:13,084
For every 600 friends,
there's actually one
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00:04:13,126 --> 00:04:14,211
you want to see in person.
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00:04:17,078 --> 00:04:19,128
So Australia.
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00:04:19,139 --> 00:04:21,371
Oh, great country.
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00:04:21,382 --> 00:04:23,051
I just followed the wrong man there.
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00:04:23,220 --> 00:04:25,680
You followed your heart.
Love took you there.
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00:04:25,691 --> 00:04:26,859
And hate brought me home.
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00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:31,217
I'm just joking. I
don't hate my ex-husband.
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00:04:31,228 --> 00:04:32,938
Actually, I hate my ex-husband.
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00:04:33,236 --> 00:04:35,655
But you get it. You've
been through it all.
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00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:37,885
Still going through it. But it's good.
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00:04:37,896 --> 00:04:40,164
We kept the apartment,
so the kids can stay there,
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00:04:40,175 --> 00:04:42,549
- and we're the ones who come and go.
- Well, that's smart.
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00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,104
It's less disruptive for the kids.
99
00:04:44,115 --> 00:04:45,951
Still ironing out the details.
100
00:04:45,962 --> 00:04:49,341
For example, Jim has been
calling a lot late at night,
101
00:04:49,412 --> 00:04:51,081
and my fiancé is not thrilled.
102
00:04:51,122 --> 00:04:53,542
But I always pick up
because he makes me laugh.
103
00:04:53,553 --> 00:04:55,157
Well, if you're tired of
him, tell him to call me.
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00:04:55,168 --> 00:04:56,878
I'm up all night playing
Words With Friends
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00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,005
with people who aren't friends.
106
00:04:59,047 --> 00:05:00,674
Well, if you're serious, I'll set it up.
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00:05:00,808 --> 00:05:02,213
I wasn't serious.
108
00:05:03,078 --> 00:05:04,437
Should I be serious?
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00:05:04,766 --> 00:05:06,096
Maybe.
110
00:05:06,137 --> 00:05:08,181
You want to set me
up with Jim, your Jim?
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00:05:08,223 --> 00:05:10,350
He's not my Jim anymore. No, no, no.
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00:05:10,361 --> 00:05:11,757
I have relinquished all claim.
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00:05:11,768 --> 00:05:15,272
He is now public domain Jim.
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00:05:15,313 --> 00:05:18,108
- So it wouldn't be weird for you?
- Are you kidding me?
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00:05:18,119 --> 00:05:20,080
I want him to be with
someone as great as you are.
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00:05:20,091 --> 00:05:24,179
I mean, he's smart, kind,
charming, funny as hell.
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00:05:24,281 --> 00:05:26,116
None of that changes
just because by the end,
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00:05:26,157 --> 00:05:29,035
I wanted to stab him in
the neck with a lawn dart.
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00:05:29,046 --> 00:05:31,632
But he's a great dad,
and he's a good guy.
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00:05:33,050 --> 00:05:35,781
- Do you have a picture?
- Yes.
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00:05:35,792 --> 00:05:38,712
- Let me find a good one.
- Okay.
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00:05:48,013 --> 00:05:50,807
She said I'm cute? What
picture did you show her?
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00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:53,070
Oh, yeah. I do look cute.
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00:05:53,418 --> 00:05:56,730
Hot, actually. I am
smoking hot right there.
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00:05:56,741 --> 00:05:58,618
- Do you need to be alone?
- I'm good.
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00:05:58,629 --> 00:06:01,006
But when you get a
minute, airdrop me that.
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00:06:01,017 --> 00:06:03,561
Got a photo of her?
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00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:06,074
Oh, hell, yeah, I'll go out with her.
129
00:06:06,625 --> 00:06:08,158
A photo is all it takes?
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00:06:08,230 --> 00:06:09,432
She's hot, and she thinks I'm cute.
131
00:06:09,443 --> 00:06:11,904
That's what I call go time.
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00:06:12,037 --> 00:06:14,998
Mom, or Dad, or whoever I should ask,
133
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,000
can I sleep over at
Sophie's tomorrow night?
134
00:06:17,189 --> 00:06:19,502
- Sophie J. or Sophie K.?
- Sophie K.
135
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:21,682
- Sophie J. will not be there?
- Uh-uh.
136
00:06:21,693 --> 00:06:24,487
Look at me, look at me, look at me.
137
00:06:24,498 --> 00:06:26,583
You promise me there is no chance
138
00:06:26,594 --> 00:06:28,429
that Sophie J. will be there?
139
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:31,485
No Sophie J., only Sophie K. I promise.
140
00:06:32,054 --> 00:06:34,226
- Okay with you Jim?
- Yep.
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00:06:35,393 --> 00:06:36,978
Then have a lovely time.
142
00:06:38,816 --> 00:06:40,800
It's Sophie Z. you gotta worry about.
143
00:06:42,921 --> 00:06:44,589
It makes me happy
you're going on a date.
144
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:45,768
Hmm, I'm glad.
145
00:06:45,779 --> 00:06:47,614
And you seem happy now.
146
00:06:47,625 --> 00:06:48,751
Did it seem like I was not happy?
147
00:06:48,854 --> 00:06:50,356
No, I just...
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00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:52,202
you're a wonderful guy,
and I care about you,
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00:06:52,244 --> 00:06:54,079
and I want you to find your Trey.
150
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,206
You shouldn't hide your
light under a bushel.
151
00:06:56,248 --> 00:07:00,585
Never said my bushel
wasn't out there busheling.
152
00:07:00,627 --> 00:07:03,135
My bushel has actually been very busy,
153
00:07:03,146 --> 00:07:04,768
and also, my peck.
154
00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:08,885
Oh. I wasn't aware of that.
155
00:07:08,927 --> 00:07:10,554
Well, you know, I like to be discreet.
156
00:07:10,565 --> 00:07:12,734
But yes, many dates, uh, triggered
157
00:07:12,745 --> 00:07:15,706
by my magnetic libido.
158
00:07:15,809 --> 00:07:17,936
So, hey, do you think your friend Lydia
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00:07:17,978 --> 00:07:19,854
- might be free tomorrow night?
- I can ask.
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00:07:20,188 --> 00:07:22,148
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Jimmy.
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00:07:22,190 --> 00:07:24,860
You know, it's been a long time
since you went on a sleepover.
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00:07:24,871 --> 00:07:26,987
Why don't you call Trevor and see
if you can do one tomorrow night?
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00:07:26,998 --> 00:07:29,584
- Trevor G. Or Trevor H.?
- I do not care.
164
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:34,890
It's Trevor Z. you got to worry about.
165
00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:41,251
- To first dates.
- Oh. Ow.
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00:07:41,262 --> 00:07:42,545
Are you all right?
167
00:07:42,556 --> 00:07:44,433
Yeah, let me just use the other arm.
168
00:07:44,499 --> 00:07:47,293
To first dates.
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00:07:47,549 --> 00:07:48,562
Mm.
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00:07:48,731 --> 00:07:50,654
Lydia, full disclosure,
171
00:07:50,665 --> 00:07:52,333
it's been a while since I've done this,
172
00:07:52,344 --> 00:07:53,762
so I might be a little rusty.
173
00:07:53,773 --> 00:07:56,108
Well, I wish this wine had WD-40 in it.
174
00:07:57,413 --> 00:08:00,061
I'm just kidding. We're
restarting the engine after the car's
175
00:08:00,072 --> 00:08:01,448
been in the garage for a long time.
176
00:08:01,459 --> 00:08:03,336
- It was a long winter.
- How was your winter?
177
00:08:03,347 --> 00:08:05,849
- Because mine was cold and dark.
- Mine was dark and deep.
178
00:08:05,984 --> 00:08:07,319
Mine was deep, bleak, and dull.
179
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:08,361
Hm.
180
00:08:09,593 --> 00:08:10,875
Well, what doesn't kill us...
181
00:08:10,947 --> 00:08:13,992
Wounds us so bad, we wish we were dead.
182
00:08:14,306 --> 00:08:16,148
I was gonna say, "makes us stronger."
183
00:08:16,159 --> 00:08:19,454
Hmm. Tell that to my armpit.
184
00:08:19,805 --> 00:08:21,458
I'm sorry, your armpit?
185
00:08:21,645 --> 00:08:24,211
You want to know why
I winced a moment ago?
186
00:08:24,674 --> 00:08:27,578
- Sure.
- Are you familiar with dermoid cysts?
187
00:08:27,589 --> 00:08:30,008
I am not.
188
00:08:30,050 --> 00:08:32,969
It's a growth of skin cells
that sometimes gets infected.
189
00:08:33,011 --> 00:08:34,721
Sometimes they have hair and teeth.
190
00:08:34,763 --> 00:08:36,848
- And...
- Are you ready to order?
191
00:08:36,890 --> 00:08:39,142
- I think we need a moment.
- Certainly.
192
00:08:39,563 --> 00:08:41,536
You know what?
I can finish this story after we eat.
193
00:08:41,547 --> 00:08:43,458
***
194
00:08:47,591 --> 00:08:49,933
Okay, so the other
night, I used scissors
195
00:08:49,944 --> 00:08:52,750
to hack off a dermoid cyst
that was under my armpit.
196
00:08:52,761 --> 00:08:54,012
Lord, are you okay?
197
00:08:54,023 --> 00:08:55,608
Yeah, I am now, but it was brutal.
198
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:58,578
I bled like a mother. Bled and oozed.
199
00:08:58,589 --> 00:09:00,049
And overnight, the pus set in.
200
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:02,380
I think it was lymph leaking out.
201
00:09:02,391 --> 00:09:04,903
We have lymph nodes
under our arms, right?
202
00:09:04,914 --> 00:09:06,522
I'm a tax attorney.
203
00:09:07,546 --> 00:09:09,839
Well, anyway, I was surprised.
204
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:12,702
I am too. You scissored off a cyst.
205
00:09:12,941 --> 00:09:15,903
Cyst is a polite word. This
was a commanding presence.
206
00:09:16,063 --> 00:09:20,401
It could start a cult. It hurt so bad.
207
00:09:20,412 --> 00:09:22,497
- I can imagine.
- No, you cannot.
208
00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:25,807
I dropped to my knees, not to pray,
209
00:09:25,818 --> 00:09:27,904
although I did pray
once I was down there
210
00:09:27,915 --> 00:09:30,626
for forgiveness for murdering my twin.
211
00:09:31,310 --> 00:09:33,655
See, they think that these dermoid cysts
212
00:09:33,697 --> 00:09:35,282
are fetuses that the other fetus,
213
00:09:35,323 --> 00:09:37,701
in this case me, devoured in the womb.
214
00:09:37,941 --> 00:09:40,527
So it was my cyst-er.
215
00:09:44,399 --> 00:09:47,085
- Jim, this was delightful.
- Was?
216
00:09:47,096 --> 00:09:49,000
- But I have to leave now.
- Why?
217
00:09:49,011 --> 00:09:50,490
Because I have learned to follow my gut,
218
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:51,858
and right now, I'm about to puke.
219
00:09:53,889 --> 00:09:55,265
It was very nice to meet you.
220
00:09:55,276 --> 00:09:58,195
Um, here's a 50 for the
wine. Keep the change.
221
00:09:58,206 --> 00:09:59,666
Put it towards your co-pay.
222
00:10:02,642 --> 00:10:04,853
I wish you well.
Condolences about your twin.
223
00:10:04,864 --> 00:10:06,510
I hope you don't get sepsis.
224
00:10:06,521 --> 00:10:07,814
Please tell Julia I said,
225
00:10:07,825 --> 00:10:09,044
"Thank you for the introduction.
226
00:10:09,055 --> 00:10:10,389
I am deleting my Facebook.
227
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,742
I will speak to her again by
accident in another 19 years."
228
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:19,273
Jim just texted that
Lydia left the date.
229
00:10:19,284 --> 00:10:21,703
- Lydia?
- My friend I set up with Jim.
230
00:10:21,714 --> 00:10:24,633
Oh, so a friend you don't really like.
231
00:10:24,706 --> 00:10:26,499
This jackass. How hard is it?
232
00:10:28,877 --> 00:10:31,379
Oh, if it isn't the merry matchmaker.
233
00:10:31,452 --> 00:10:32,912
What did you do, Jim?
234
00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:35,425
- What did you do?
- Nothing. I was being myself.
235
00:10:35,467 --> 00:10:37,219
And there's your problem.
236
00:10:37,882 --> 00:10:40,722
You were being yourself?
Why would you do that?
237
00:10:40,733 --> 00:10:43,736
- It's too soon, Jim, too soon.
- Exactly.
238
00:10:43,747 --> 00:10:45,040
That's the first rule of dating.
239
00:10:45,051 --> 00:10:47,970
You got to be someone
else first for a long time.
240
00:10:48,219 --> 00:10:50,054
Yeah, everybody does, Jim.
241
00:10:50,065 --> 00:10:53,026
But especially you, Jim.
242
00:10:53,068 --> 00:10:54,861
You got to trick 'em into liking you
243
00:10:54,903 --> 00:10:56,417
before you let 'em
see who you really are.
244
00:10:56,428 --> 00:10:57,763
This is basic stuff.
245
00:10:57,906 --> 00:10:59,699
Just tell me exactly what happened.
246
00:10:59,772 --> 00:11:01,357
It was all going well,
247
00:11:01,368 --> 00:11:04,579
and then I told a story,
and she got up and left.
248
00:11:04,901 --> 00:11:06,498
Which story?
249
00:11:06,539 --> 00:11:08,875
About the dermoid cyst.
250
00:11:09,806 --> 00:11:11,033
Oh, my God!
251
00:11:11,044 --> 00:11:12,735
What? It was hilarious.
252
00:11:12,746 --> 00:11:15,081
There's something really
wrong with this dude.
253
00:11:15,972 --> 00:11:16,972
Guys, guys.
254
00:11:16,983 --> 00:11:19,903
You live how you live, and
I will do the same, okay?
255
00:11:19,914 --> 00:11:22,334
Because guess what? I met someone else.
256
00:11:22,781 --> 00:11:25,363
- What?
- A lovely woman named Thea Lynn,
257
00:11:25,373 --> 00:11:27,778
single and looking, who
happened to be at the next table
258
00:11:27,789 --> 00:11:29,533
and heard everything. She's witty.
259
00:11:29,544 --> 00:11:30,686
She's attractive.
260
00:11:30,697 --> 00:11:33,158
She's festooned in turquoise jewelry.
261
00:11:33,376 --> 00:11:35,266
She vacations in Santa Fe.
262
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:38,665
And she loved the
dermoid cyst story, Julia.
263
00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:42,956
Wants to know what I would
have named my twin had he lived.
264
00:11:43,355 --> 00:11:44,848
She came over, introduced herself.
265
00:11:44,859 --> 00:11:48,605
I asked her to join me,
and we are having a blast. Goodbye.
266
00:11:51,017 --> 00:11:52,310
Well, hello again.
267
00:11:52,321 --> 00:11:54,326
I missed you. Did you miss me?
268
00:11:54,337 --> 00:11:56,256
I did.
269
00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:58,962
- I am having so much fun.
- Oh, me too.
270
00:11:58,973 --> 00:12:02,000
Oh, I figured out a
name for my twin, Lyle.
271
00:12:02,207 --> 00:12:03,210
Love it.
272
00:12:05,401 --> 00:12:06,694
This is great!
273
00:12:06,797 --> 00:12:08,121
Jim met someone he likes.
274
00:12:08,132 --> 00:12:09,800
With any luck, this
will turn into something,
275
00:12:09,811 --> 00:12:11,312
and for a little while, at least,
276
00:12:11,323 --> 00:12:12,699
I'm gonna get some sleep.
277
00:12:12,710 --> 00:12:14,502
Mission accidentally accomplished.
278
00:12:14,513 --> 00:12:17,146
- Come on.
- We are in desperate trouble.
279
00:12:18,039 --> 00:12:19,207
How is this not good news?
280
00:12:19,218 --> 00:12:21,471
Why isn't anything ever good news?
281
00:12:22,001 --> 00:12:23,450
You don't understand.
282
00:12:23,461 --> 00:12:27,041
Jim has a defect in his brain
that makes him love people.
283
00:12:27,052 --> 00:12:28,178
It's horrible.
284
00:12:28,189 --> 00:12:29,899
The guy collects
friends wherever he goes.
285
00:12:29,910 --> 00:12:32,734
- He's like a human lint roller.
- That's not horrible at all.
286
00:12:32,745 --> 00:12:35,206
- That's good.
- No, it's bad for romance.
287
00:12:35,261 --> 00:12:38,055
Very, very bad. Jim
falls in love instantly.
288
00:12:38,298 --> 00:12:40,008
He fell in love with
me from down the block
289
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:41,718
before I saw him or said a word.
290
00:12:41,882 --> 00:12:44,137
A, nobody can blame him.
291
00:12:44,148 --> 00:12:46,609
And B, for a long time, it worked out.
292
00:12:47,102 --> 00:12:48,172
Yes.
293
00:12:48,183 --> 00:12:49,603
Because as it happens,
294
00:12:49,613 --> 00:12:51,381
- I am wonderful.
- Hmm.
295
00:12:51,648 --> 00:12:53,630
But... but that was just luck.
296
00:12:53,641 --> 00:12:54,976
You know, I could have been a beast.
297
00:12:54,987 --> 00:12:56,722
I could have killed the guy.
298
00:12:56,733 --> 00:12:58,985
And now I may have.
299
00:12:59,058 --> 00:13:00,476
Someone's got to go
down there and get eyes
300
00:13:00,487 --> 00:13:02,322
on this Thea Lynn, do some recon.
301
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,792
Good luck.
302
00:13:04,171 --> 00:13:05,331
You are coming with me.
303
00:13:11,446 --> 00:13:12,680
I don't see him. Do you see him?
304
00:13:12,691 --> 00:13:14,232
No. Well, I guess that's a good try.
305
00:13:14,243 --> 00:13:16,162
- We did everything we could...
- Excuse me.
306
00:13:16,173 --> 00:13:17,716
Do you happen to remember a couple?
307
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,839
He's handsome, shaved head, beard.
308
00:13:19,850 --> 00:13:22,061
She was wearing a lot of turquoise.
309
00:13:22,072 --> 00:13:24,118
The guy who cut off his oozing cyst?
310
00:13:25,375 --> 00:13:27,575
- That's the one.
- Yeah, they were in my section.
311
00:13:27,586 --> 00:13:29,171
- Did they leave together?
- Oh, yeah.
312
00:13:29,182 --> 00:13:31,559
They ordered our famous soufflé
and left before it was ready.
313
00:13:33,130 --> 00:13:34,802
Excuse me. You said he paid for this?
314
00:13:34,813 --> 00:13:35,981
Yeah.
315
00:13:40,777 --> 00:13:42,237
- Hey, babe, babe.
- What?
316
00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:43,561
It's not too late to turn back.
317
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:45,490
I've got to save Jim from himself.
318
00:13:45,501 --> 00:13:46,544
I disagree.
319
00:13:46,555 --> 00:13:48,182
But allow me a prediction.
320
00:13:48,539 --> 00:13:50,067
The moment you walk through that door,
321
00:13:50,078 --> 00:13:51,675
you're gonna see that
it's an innocent date,
322
00:13:51,686 --> 00:13:53,248
and you're gonna want to leave.
323
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,208
At that moment, I want you to look at me
324
00:13:55,219 --> 00:13:58,358
and say the word "soufflé."
325
00:14:00,062 --> 00:14:03,706
That'll be a signal that
you are, A, ready to flee,
326
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:05,635
and B, I was right.
327
00:14:06,614 --> 00:14:09,610
Oh. Your beard,
328
00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:10,849
it's so ticklish.
329
00:14:10,891 --> 00:14:12,244
Oh, a little more here.
330
00:14:12,255 --> 00:14:14,924
Ooh! Oh, oh.
331
00:14:15,030 --> 00:14:18,784
Hey, um, do you mind
if I take off my dress?
332
00:14:19,407 --> 00:14:22,057
Mind? I'm honored, grateful.
333
00:14:22,068 --> 00:14:24,321
I'm already composing a thank you note.
334
00:14:28,624 --> 00:14:30,126
I thought you said we
were gonna be alone?
335
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:32,181
We were. Julia, what the hell?
336
00:14:33,194 --> 00:14:35,404
Soufflé, soufflé, soufflé, soufflé.
337
00:14:35,415 --> 00:14:37,084
Wait, who are you?
338
00:14:38,802 --> 00:14:41,035
I'm Julia, Jim's ex-wife,
339
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,964
former wife, wife at one time.
340
00:14:42,975 --> 00:14:44,810
This is Trey, my fiancé.
341
00:14:44,901 --> 00:14:47,260
- Hello.
- I'm Thea Lynn.
342
00:14:47,271 --> 00:14:48,773
Enchanté.
343
00:14:48,784 --> 00:14:51,369
"Enchanté," she said as
if she says it all the time.
344
00:14:51,587 --> 00:14:54,518
Sorry for the flyby. I
had to get some stuff.
345
00:14:54,529 --> 00:14:56,592
I live here too. Not all the time.
346
00:14:56,603 --> 00:14:57,896
Jim and I take turns.
347
00:14:57,907 --> 00:14:59,241
I leave stuff behind now and then.
348
00:14:59,252 --> 00:15:01,290
And now and then, I got to get it.
349
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:02,473
Hi, I'm Julia.
350
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:03,944
Yes, you said your name already.
351
00:15:03,955 --> 00:15:05,498
That's right. And she said hers.
352
00:15:05,509 --> 00:15:07,803
Thea Lynn, which is
so unique and pretty,
353
00:15:07,814 --> 00:15:09,392
like the woman herself.
354
00:15:09,403 --> 00:15:11,822
I'm sorry, you said you live here too?
355
00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:13,962
On account of the
children, both of them, two.
356
00:15:13,973 --> 00:15:15,653
They live here all the
time, so they never need
357
00:15:15,664 --> 00:15:18,083
to get stuff, but I do. Getting stuff.
358
00:15:18,886 --> 00:15:20,741
Can I offer you a Diet Dr. Pepper?
359
00:15:21,328 --> 00:15:22,963
Uh, no, thank you.
360
00:15:23,004 --> 00:15:24,923
You know, we call this place the nest.
361
00:15:25,329 --> 00:15:29,895
My son named it, you know,
because birds live in a nest.
362
00:15:29,906 --> 00:15:31,710
But when they're all here, it's crowded.
363
00:15:31,721 --> 00:15:34,399
So some of them have the
decency to fly away fast
364
00:15:34,410 --> 00:15:36,336
and far and away, away, away.
365
00:15:36,347 --> 00:15:39,184
Look at all that lovely turquoise.
366
00:15:39,195 --> 00:15:41,212
Why the turquoise, Thea Lynn?
367
00:15:41,223 --> 00:15:42,357
Because I like it.
368
00:15:42,399 --> 00:15:45,443
- Why Santa Fe?
- You know about Santa Fe?
369
00:15:45,454 --> 00:15:47,619
Oh. Jim texted that he had met you,
370
00:15:47,630 --> 00:15:49,768
and I texted him with various inquiries,
371
00:15:49,779 --> 00:15:51,531
- and then he texted us.
- Oh, no us.
372
00:15:51,542 --> 00:15:53,460
I didn't text anyone.
373
00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:55,268
You were in the restroom, I believe.
374
00:15:55,279 --> 00:15:57,281
I was very happy that I'd just met you.
375
00:15:57,619 --> 00:16:00,205
What are your intentions
regarding my ex-husband?
376
00:16:00,216 --> 00:16:01,975
Well, before you got here,
377
00:16:01,986 --> 00:16:03,613
I intended to take my dress off.
378
00:16:03,624 --> 00:16:07,055
- Oh.
- I look back on that time fondly.
379
00:16:07,287 --> 00:16:09,331
Well, look, I don't
want to get in the middle
380
00:16:09,342 --> 00:16:10,844
of what you guys got
going on here, so...
381
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:14,097
Yes, that's right. We're just
here to get the baseball glove.
382
00:16:14,108 --> 00:16:15,943
And I have it, and we will go.
383
00:16:16,016 --> 00:16:17,642
Play ball!
384
00:16:17,684 --> 00:16:21,479
But before we go, uh,
I'm sure, Thea Lynn,
385
00:16:21,521 --> 00:16:24,107
that you are a lovely
person, and that this will
386
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,775
be a lovely relationship, and that
387
00:16:25,817 --> 00:16:27,986
you will treat Jim lovely-ly.
388
00:16:27,997 --> 00:16:30,416
But if you don't, be warned that
389
00:16:30,427 --> 00:16:32,263
whatever your motives,
whatever your schemes,
390
00:16:32,274 --> 00:16:34,527
whatever your pathology,
I shall thwart it,
391
00:16:34,745 --> 00:16:36,620
for I am his shield and his sword,
392
00:16:36,661 --> 00:16:38,720
his bulletproof vest and his rifle.
393
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:41,291
- Julia.
- I have his back and his front,
394
00:16:41,302 --> 00:16:43,971
- his side and his flank.
- Flank means side.
395
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:47,339
Regardless, I got the keys
to get in here anytime I want.
396
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,124
- Uh, Jim?
- Yes.
397
00:16:51,537 --> 00:16:55,055
Thank you for a lovely two hours.
398
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,064
You're welcome.
399
00:16:57,432 --> 00:16:59,392
Shorter than many relationships,
400
00:16:59,403 --> 00:17:02,228
- and yet, never to be forgotten.
- I understand.
401
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:05,006
This is obviously a very
complicated situation.
402
00:17:05,017 --> 00:17:07,645
- I know.
- More people than I'm used to.
403
00:17:07,656 --> 00:17:08,851
Me too.
404
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:11,560
Well, uh, it was a
delight to meet you all.
405
00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:13,073
And Julia, bravo.
406
00:17:13,084 --> 00:17:15,462
You've saved Jim from my sense of humor,
407
00:17:15,473 --> 00:17:18,393
my big heart, and my
voracious sexual appetite.
408
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:20,489
Wait, Jim is a really great guy.
409
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:22,710
Agreed. It's you I'm worried about.
410
00:17:22,721 --> 00:17:24,473
Oh, don't be.
411
00:17:26,665 --> 00:17:28,077
Any chance I can still call you?
412
00:17:30,057 --> 00:17:33,009
No. No, no, no.
413
00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:35,564
No. No.
414
00:17:42,185 --> 00:17:43,404
Huh.
415
00:17:44,811 --> 00:17:46,053
Hmm.
416
00:17:46,064 --> 00:17:47,591
Ay, ay, ay.
417
00:17:51,486 --> 00:17:53,530
- I...
- You?
418
00:17:54,154 --> 00:17:55,952
- I...
- You?
419
00:17:57,239 --> 00:17:58,702
Jim, I...
420
00:17:58,743 --> 00:18:01,621
- I'm so sorry.
- No one is more sorry than I am.
421
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,707
What are you...
422
00:18:03,748 --> 00:18:04,916
what are you thinking?
423
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:06,459
I am not thinking.
424
00:18:06,470 --> 00:18:10,850
What you see on my face
is bafflement, wonder,
425
00:18:10,922 --> 00:18:15,677
awe, all mixed with
astonishment at the absurdity
426
00:18:15,825 --> 00:18:17,535
of what you've just done.
427
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,474
I just... I don't...
I don't know what I was thinking.
428
00:18:21,485 --> 00:18:22,870
- Oh, I do.
- You do?
429
00:18:22,881 --> 00:18:24,758
You were thinking that
I do my best thinking
430
00:18:24,769 --> 00:18:27,105
when you're there to remind
me what my best thinking is.
431
00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:30,125
Look, you have every right to be angry.
432
00:18:30,136 --> 00:18:32,263
I'm not angry because I know you,
433
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:33,820
and I know you did what you just did
434
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:36,406
out of your own peculiar
and still evolving
435
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,241
definition of post-divorce.
436
00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:40,629
I think I was just afraid that...
437
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,808
That harm would come to me,
harm that would be your fault
438
00:18:43,819 --> 00:18:45,144
because you were the one who sent me on
439
00:18:45,154 --> 00:18:47,209
the dermoid cyst
date in the first place.
440
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,659
But no harm came to me.
441
00:18:50,127 --> 00:18:52,096
And actually, it was the opposite.
442
00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:54,424
Events conspired, and moments ago,
443
00:18:54,435 --> 00:18:56,645
for the first time in a very long time,
444
00:18:56,656 --> 00:19:00,368
I was caressed with desire
by another human being...
445
00:19:03,711 --> 00:19:06,050
Who, before you barged in here
446
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:09,723
with your sawed-off shotgun
and your Kevlar vest,
447
00:19:09,734 --> 00:19:14,155
had decided without being
asked or begged to disrobe.
448
00:19:16,218 --> 00:19:19,091
Today was a thrilling, if bizarre,
449
00:19:19,102 --> 00:19:21,846
reminder of life's
post-divorce possibilities,
450
00:19:21,857 --> 00:19:24,443
and none of it would have happened
451
00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:26,248
if you were a normal person.
452
00:19:29,474 --> 00:19:31,893
So thank you.
453
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,298
- You're welcome?
- Too soon.
454
00:19:36,424 --> 00:19:38,843
Now, if you've nothing
else, please leave
455
00:19:38,854 --> 00:19:41,774
so I can return to Santa Fe in my mind.
456
00:19:41,846 --> 00:19:43,807
No calls after 10:00.
457
00:19:44,206 --> 00:19:47,519
- What?
- No calls after 10:00.
458
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,312
Oh, uh, Jim, there is one other thing.
459
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:50,939
No calls after 10:00?
460
00:19:52,246 --> 00:19:54,635
The reason Julia tried to
fix you up in the first place
461
00:19:54,646 --> 00:19:56,392
is because I need my sleep.
462
00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:57,988
And we figured if you had a girlfriend,
463
00:19:57,999 --> 00:20:00,418
you'd be less likely to call
in the middle of the night
464
00:20:00,429 --> 00:20:02,932
because you were busy
being caressed with desire.
465
00:20:03,034 --> 00:20:05,745
I was gonna just call you
and say no calls after 10:00,
466
00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:07,779
- but then things happened.
- Things?
467
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:08,957
- Thoughts.
- Your thoughts?
468
00:20:08,968 --> 00:20:10,428
Thoughts that led to choices...
469
00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:12,118
bad ones.
470
00:20:12,581 --> 00:20:14,880
But that's the rule,
no calls after 10:00?
471
00:20:14,921 --> 00:20:16,381
- If you don't mind.
- No problem.
472
00:20:16,562 --> 00:20:18,550
- Unless it's an emergency.
- Okay.
473
00:20:18,644 --> 00:20:20,776
- If you got to, you got to.
- Thanks.
474
00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,470
Call whenever you want.
475
00:20:24,817 --> 00:20:25,943
Cool.
476
00:20:28,550 --> 00:20:29,652
Love you.
477
00:20:30,612 --> 00:20:31,813
Love you.
478
00:20:33,671 --> 00:20:36,671
- Very fond of you.
- And you.
479
00:20:39,946 --> 00:20:41,364
- Julia?
- Yeah.
480
00:20:41,375 --> 00:20:43,502
Leave the cistern please.
481
00:20:43,513 --> 00:20:46,235
- Right.
- Thank you.
482
00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:50,223
Oh. Hi, everyone.
483
00:20:50,234 --> 00:20:53,029
Um, I didn't realize you were here.
484
00:20:53,282 --> 00:20:55,320
Sophie J. crashed the sleepover.
485
00:20:55,331 --> 00:20:57,411
She smelled like pot,
so I left immediately.
486
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,216
Um...
487
00:20:59,227 --> 00:21:02,397
I'm gonna go shower. Uh, don't hug me.
488
00:21:04,456 --> 00:21:05,889
See that?
489
00:21:05,961 --> 00:21:07,254
Silver lining.
490
00:21:07,265 --> 00:21:08,767
You know, I don't show up tonight,
491
00:21:08,991 --> 00:21:11,091
your daughter walks in
on you going Southwest
492
00:21:11,102 --> 00:21:13,063
on the turquoise express.
493
00:21:13,248 --> 00:21:14,333
It's called fate.
494
00:21:14,344 --> 00:21:15,887
Mm, no, it's not.
495
00:21:17,278 --> 00:21:18,293
I tried.
496
00:21:28,660 --> 00:21:33,660
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
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36429
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