All language subtitles for Dads Army

How can those stupid British
ever hope to win?

J who do you think
you are kidding, mr Hitler? J

j if you think
we're on the run j

j we are the boys who will stop
your little game j

j we are the boys who will make
you think again j

j cos who do you think
you are kidding, mr Hitler? J

j if you think
old england's done j

j mr brown goes off to town
on the eight twenty-one j

j but he comes home
each evening j

j and he's ready with his gun j

j cos who do you think
you are kidding, mr Hitler j!

J if you think
old england's done j

J the ferry boat from Dover j

j will not be sailing tonight j

j for the storm clouds
gathered over j

j will have blacked out
every trace of life j

j we were going on
through life &

morning. Good morning.

J forever but now
you have gone j

morning, mr Hodges, Hodges.

J that is why
the ferry boat from Dover j

morning, mr Jones. Nice morning.

Good morning,
mr mainwaring, sir.

J will not sail tonight for me j

Morning, sir. Morning, Wilson.

Wilson, you're going
the wrong way.

I know, sir, but do you mind

if I'm a little bit late
this morning?

I have to go in here. - Why?

I've got to change my egg,
you see.

This week's one's
just a little bit off.

Well, hurry up. - Aye, sir.

As chief clerk you're supposed
to open the bank.

If there's a queue you'll have
to change it at lunchtime.

All right, sir. All right.

Whoa. - Sorry, guv.

Morning, miss king.
Morning, mr mainwaring.

Morning, pike.
Morning, mr mainwaring.

The war news looks rather
serious, doesn't it,

mr mainwaring?
Nothing to worry about, pike.

Believe me, the whole German
attack will just fizzle out.

Miss king? Yes, sir?

That lipstick is far too bright.

That's the sort of thing
that gives the bank a bad name.

Yes, mr mainwaring.

Pike? Yes, sir?

Don't wear your pencils
in your top pocket like that.

It looks very common. Yes, sir.

When I was a clerk we had
to wear morning dress.

Managers in those days
were absolute tartars.

Change the date
on that calendar.

I say, how much longer
are you going to keep me here?

Can I help you, sir?
Cash that, will you?

I'll take it in ones. Certainly.

I don't think you have
an account with us, do you, sir?

No, I haven't.
Have you an arrangement?

No.

I'm afraid I can't cash it.
Why not?

Ten pounds
is rather a lot of money.

I don't know you.
After all, there is a war on.

I'm well aware of that.

I should have thought,
under the circumstances

you'd have abandoned
all that red tape.

On the contrary, we have to be
even more careful.

For all I know
you might be a German spy.

Rubbish. It is not rubbish, sir.

They're being dropped all over
by parachute.

Some of them
are even disguised as nuns.

Are you mad?
Do I look like a nun?

Even so, I'm afraid we can't take
a chance.

Let me speak
to someone in authority.

I am in charge here.
Are you going to cash my cheque or not?

I am not, sir.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm rather busy.

Damn bank clerk.

I happen to be the manager!

But of course you are, sir.

Come into my office, Wilson.

Right, sir, right, yes of course.

What's the matter?
You look upset, general.

Damned bank clerk.

Oi, do you want
to buy any petrol coupons?

I managed
to get it changed, sir.

The egg. Mn

don't you remember,

when we met I was going
in the grocers to change it?

I'm not interested
in your domestic arrangements.

By the way, sir,
have you seen the paper?

The news isn't very good.

I can assure you, Wilson,

this is all part of our master
plan to lure them into a trap.

I don't know what
you're worrying about.

They'll never break through
the maginot line. It's impregnable.

Haven't you heard, sir? It was
on the wireless before I left.

The Germans
have reached Holland.

Good lord.

How on earth did they manage
to do that?

I could have sworn they'd never
break the maginot line.

Quite right, sir. They didn't.

Ah. I thought not.

I'm a pretty good judge of these
matters, you know, Wilson.

They went round the side.

I see.

They what?
They went round the side.

That's a typical
shabby Nazi trick.

You see the sort of people
we're up against, Wilson?

Most unreliable, sir.
By the way, Anthony Eden

is making an important
announcement in five minutes time.

Oh, really, sir? Is he?
Yes. About home defence.

Switch the wireless on,
would you?

It's going to be
rather difficult, sir.

Why must you always
question everything?

Never mind.
I'll switch it on myself.

We haven't got a wireless,
have we?

No, sir, we haven't.

Come on. We'll go over
to Elliot's radio store

and hear it there.
All right, sir.

Come on.

I'm coming as quick as I can,
sir.

Great. Our boys
are fighting the Nazis

and people over here
are guzzling ice cream.

Morning. Morning.

Come inside. Right, sir.

Anybody about?

Good day, mr mainwaring.
Can I help you?

Turn the wireless on at once,
please.

Certainly. Which one
would you like to hear?

I don't care. Any one will do.

Well, uh, what about this model?

The dulcitone. Six pounds ten,

or if you wish
you could have it on easy terms.

Just turn it on, will you?

Very well, sir.

What's the matter?
It isn't working.

Really, sir.
It has to warm up, you know.

Man on radio: Wish to do something
for the defence of their country.

Now is your opportunity.

We want large numbers of such
men, between the ages of 17...

It's a lovely tone,

don't you think? Be quiet.

Forward now
and offer their services

in order to make assurance
doubly sure.

The name of the new force...
Did you hear that, Wilson?

Perhaps you'd like to hear
a different station.

Leave it alone.

When on duty you will form part
of the armed forces.

In order to volunteer,
what you have to do

is to give in your name
at your local police station.

Announcer: That was an appeal by
the honourable Anthony Eden...

That's it, Wilson. Let's get down
to the police station, sign on.

But sir,
what about the wireless?

Don't you want to buy it?

Don't be ridiculous. Come on.

Good day... 17 and 65.

They should report at once
to their local police station.

Although...

Thank goodness we're getting
some action at last.

Yes, sir. Quite.
We'll show those Nazis.

We'll give Hitler a bloody nose.
Of course we will.

Sorry. -

I beg your pardon.

Mr mainwaring,

I just heard mr Anthony Eden
speak on the wireless.

Yes, we just heard it
at Elliot's.

If you're going to sign on,
I'll come with you.

Good. Right.
I am an old soldier, you know.

I served under general kitchener
in the Sudan.

Then I served right through
the boer war.

Right through that
to the boer war.

It was the 1914-18 war.

I went through that, you see,

then I got invalided out cos
they said my eyes was no good.

That's rubbish. There's nothing
wrong with my eyes.

Of course not.
Perfectly all right.

All right, Jones?

Man: One at a time, please!

Now, look here, sergeant. I'm
mainwaring from Martins bank.

I've come to join the ldv.

Yes, and I want to join up too.

I'm an old soldier, I am.
I was in the sudanese campaign.

You'll just
have to wait your turn.

I'll take all your names and
addresses and in due course

you'll hear from
the appointed commander.

Who is the appointed commander?

I don't know. He hasn't been
appointed yet.

Oh, we can't put up
with all this red tape.

Name, please.

Steady on. I was here first.

It's no use, Wilson. We shall
have to do something quick.

You have to do something quick,
you know.

There's only one thing for it.
I'll have to take charge.

You take charge.
Do you think that's wise, sir?

There's nobody else here,
is there?

Excuse me, officer. Is there
a convenience of some sort?

Let's get these men
down to the church hall

and see if we can sort them out.

Follow me to the church hall,
men.

I must get their attention
somehow.

Help me onto the counter,
will you?

All right, sergeant,
leave this to me.

I'm taking charge from now on.

All right, men. Quiet, please.

Pay attention!

I'm sure the sergeant
is doing his best,

but times like these call for
an experienced practical man.

We must stand firm.
Yes. Right, sir, stand firm.

That's how we fought the
fuzzy-wuzzies. Firmly standing.

Um, even now Nazi paratroopers

may be clambering
into their planes.

We haven't a moment to lose.

As an experienced officer
who fought in the last conflict,

I am now taking charge.

Are you behind me? - All: Yeah!

Times of crisis always bring

natural-born leaders
to the fore, Wilson.

Really, sir?

Follow me, men.

Back out of here.

Mainwaring: Back up!

Wilson, tell them to back up!

Would you mind backing up,
please.

Please, back up.
It's so hot and uncomfortable.

Follow me, men.

Morning. Excuse me, padre.

I don't suppose
you'd be interested

in buying some petrol coupons.

Buying? Yeah. A Bob each.

Tell you what.
For you, ten Bob a dozen.

Or failing that,
you could have some...

Hello, what's going on up there?

I really have no idea.

You know what they say. Where
there's crowds there's business.

Hang on. See you later.

Pike, tell the men to wait here.

Come on, Wilson.
You can't use that, sir.

It's the vicar's.

I can't help that.
This is a national emergency.

You're shutting me out,
mr mainwaring.

Oh, all right.
Come in, mr Jones.

Stand there by the door, will
you and keep very, very quiet.

Do you think this is wise?

You've got no authority
to take charge.

Don't quibble. Somebody's got
to be the commander

and who better than me?
After all, I have a position

of respect in this town,
bank manager.

Not to mention that
during the last conflict

I served as a captain in France

during the whole of 1919.
The war ended in 1918, sir.

I am an experienced officer
and I'm taking charge.

All right?

You shall be
my second in command.

The rank of sergeant.

Thank you, sir.
Permission to speak, sir.

I'd like to volunteer
to be the third in command.

Mr Jones, much as I appreciate
your enthusiasm,

and your vast
military experience,

I do rather feel
that you're a little old.

Oh, mr mainwaring, I've got
a pound of sausages in here.

Oh, thank you.

On the other hand, of course,
old soldiers never die.

I think he's up to it.
Don't you, Wilson?

Well, I...

Oh, mr Wilson,
I nearly forgot you, didn't I?

Oh, thank you, jonesy,
thank you.

I think he's definitely
up to it, sir.

Yes. Well, good.

You won't regret this,
mr mainwaring.

Even though
the eyes aren't too good,

I can still give them
the old cold steel, you know.

And that's one thing
they don't like.

They don't like it up them,
you know, sir.

They just do not like it.

No, no, no.
I'm quite sure they don't, mr Jones.

Come on, let's get on with it.

We shall need some forms
to enrol the men.

Chaos! Chaos, that's what it is.

Here we are.

Use those. Right, sir.

These are for church use only,
sir.

I can't help that.
We must improvise.

Right.

Right. Gather round, gents.

I've got a few scarcities here.

Hold that, son.

Right. Now, have a look at this.

Very rare. Knicker elastic,
sixpence a yard.

It's only a penny in the shops.

You can't get it in the shops,
can you?

Right. Get the first man in,
Wilson.

Right, sir.

Thank you, mr Jones.

Uh... would you mind
stepping this way, please.

Just a minute, Wilson. Yes, sir?

I intend to mould
those men out there

into an aggressive
fighting force.

And I'm not going
to get very far

if you keep inviting them
to "step this way"

in that Nancy voice.

Now, make it an order.
Bark it out.

Yes, sir.

Would you mind
stepping this way, please!

Hang on.
Hey. We were here first.

Morning, gents.

Right. Start taking down
the details, Wilson.

Right, sir. Do you really want
me to use these forms, sir?

Yes, of course. Get on with it.
Sir, if you insist.

Name. Gerald Walker.

Baritone or soprano?

I don't know.
I suppose a baritone.

Are you sound in the canticles?

If I wasn't, I'd be a soprano.
Oh, all right.

Put their names down on this.

I don't suppose you'll be with
us very long, will you.

You must be due for call up any day.

I don't think so.
I'm in a reserved occupation.

Oh, really?
I'm a wholesale supplier.

I supply essential supplies.

Any military experience?

I had a girlfriend
in the salvation army.

She carried the banner.

She had a great big dent
right there.

All right.

Just sign this. Sign what?

It's for enrolment
in the local defence volunteers.

Do you realise that the Nazis

are poised just across
the channel,

ready to invade us
at any minute?

No. I knew they were breathing
a bit heavy down our necks, yeah.

Well, are you going
to fight with us or not?

Yeah, sure.

By the way, if ever you need

some silk stockings
for the missus...

No, thank you. The girlfriend?

How dare you!

I haven't got a girlfriend.
I can fix that for you.

How about...
I said no, thank you!

All right, Walker.

When you've signed just
stand up, would you please?

Nice. About turn, quick march.

Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right...

Oi, oi, oi. What's all this,
then? What's your game?

Well, it's like the officer
says, isn't it, Joey?

There's a war on. Come on, now.

Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right...

Wilson? Yes?

Find something for Jones to do.
Yes, all right, sir.

Just leave it to me.

Jones? Hup.

Would you mind, please,
just going outside,

lining the men up
and just doing things with them?

Very good, sir. Right, turn.

Quick march.

Left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right...

I think we picked the right one
there, Wilson.

Yes, sir.

We certainly picked
the right one.

What on earth is going on here?

Oh, well, you see, sir,
we couldn't all get in

at the police station
so we had to come here.

They'll never let you fight
the Nazis in that collar, vicar.

Here, how about buying a tie?
Two and six.

Just who is responsible
for all this?

Yon bank manager fellow.
He's in his office.

That happens to be my office.

Will the next gentleman please...

Good morning, sir.
Do please come in.

Name, please.

Hello, vicar.

Hope you don't mind
our using your office.

You might at least
have asked permission.

You weren't anywhere about.

And this is
a national emergency.

Really, I've never heard
anything like it in all my life.

Who's in charge here? Lam. Why?

Are those your men in the hall?
Yes.

Get them shifted.
Who do you think you are?

Chief air raid warden and I'm
telling you to get them shifted.

I'm using that hall in five
minutes time for an arp lecture,

so get them out, right?

He's awfully rough, isn't he?

What are we going to do, sir?
We've only enrolled one so far.

We shall dispense
with the formalities.

Get the rest of the men
in here at once.

Aye, sir.

Would you mind, all of you,
coming in here please?

Quick as you can.
There's good fellows. Come on.

That's no good!

In here, all of you.

At the double.

That's the way to do it, Wilson.

Thank you, men, for answering
your country's call.

You and I are here today

because we share
one common desire.

A determination
to defend our homes,

our wives, our sweethearts

against a brutal enemy.

And I know that you're not going
to shrink from that task,

however unpleasant it may be.

Would you mind
turning your head away, vicar?

I didn't ask to be squashed
in here like this, you know.

Get on with it.
We haven't got all night.

Now, there's no arms.
We're naked.

But we have
one invaluable weapon

in our armoury.

Ingenuity and improvisation.

That's two.

Now, I want you
to go back to your homes

and get hold of any weapons
you can lay your hands on.

And be back here at 6:00.

That is at 1200 hours.

Uh... 13...

1800 hours, sir.

Thank you, Wilson,
I know the time.

So, from tonight on,

whatever the odds,

we're gonna be able to look
the enemy squarely in the face

and say, "come on, Jerry,

we're ready for you."

Gentlemen,

it is only a question of time

before the allied armies
will be crushed.

Our next object will be
the invasion of england.

The fuhrer has ordered a plan
to be drawn up.

It will be called
operation sea lion.

Everything must be worked out
to the last detail.

Do not underestimate
the British.

They have one thing
in common with us.

They are great organisers.

Squad? Squad, attention!

Platoon ready for inspection,
sir.

Thank you.

Splendid turnout, men.

You look very smart, Jones.
Thank you, sir.

That's a vicious-looking weapon.
That's no fuzzy-wuzzy spear.

That'll soon get the jerries
on the run.

They don't like it up 'em.
They do not like it up 'em.

No, no, quite so. I see you got
your old uniform out.

I've taken the Liberty
of keeping

my Lance corporal's
stripe up it that's all right.

Well...

I've also taken the Liberty of
bringing you a pound of steak.

Yes, well, we shall be
needing junior nco's,

shan't we, sergeant?

I suppose we shall, sir.
Yes, sir.

What's that supposed to be?

You said if we haven't got
anything else

we're to tie a carbon knife
to a broom handle.

I didn't mean you were to leave
the broom

on the end of the handle,
you stupid boy.

You should have said.

I don't want any
insubordination either.

Take this man's name, sergeant.
Right, sir. Name?

Really, uncle.
You both know my name already.

Wilson. Yes?

Why does he call you uncle?

I've known his mother
for a number of years, sir.

She's a widow.
She has my ration book

and I go round to her house
sometimes for meals.

And that sort of thing.

What sort of thing?

That's a very formidable weapon.

It's not just a weapon. I've got
a wee job to do after dark.

Two for the price of one.
He bashes them and buries them.

He's an undertaker,
you see, sir.

Funeral director!

Have you had
any army experience?

No, none at all.

I thought not.
You can always tell.

Once a soldier always a soldier,
eh, Wilson?

I'm a sailor.

Chief petty officer, royal Navy,
1914-1918.

What's the matter? Oh, nothing.

Just used to seeing people
lying down.

You shouldn't have bothered
to dress.

I was going on somewhere
afterwards.

Do you think
you'll be very long?

It rather depends on Hitler,
doesn't it?

Not that we want to interfere
with your social arrangements.

What's your name?
Godfrey. Charles Godfrey.

What do you do?

I retired but was 35 years
in the army and Navy.

Really? Army and Navy?
That's unusual, isn't it?

How did you come to be serving
in both branches?

I was in gents outfitting.

In what?
Army and Navy stores, sir.

Uniforms mostly.

Well, I've no doubt that
your specialist knowledge

will be
of great assistance to us.

Yes. Awfully good, sir.

Where did you get that gun?

Oh, it's mine.

He's got a gun.
I can see that, sir.

Well, I'm the officer.
Of course, you are, yes.

I should have that.
Of course you should.

I think it might be better
if I would have the gun.

Hand it over at once.
I'm damned if I will.

Have you been in the army? Yes.

Then you should know when
a superior officer

gives you an order
you should obey at once.

What's your name?
General wilkinson.

Ah.

We've got a troublemaker here.
Get rid of him.

Yes, sir, I'll do my best.

Right. Stand at ease.

Splendid turnout, men.

Splendid.

If, after a few hours,

we can achieve this
formidable fighting potential,

just think what we should be
like after a few weeks training.

Now, the first thing
we have to do

is to memorise the stretch of
coastline we shall be defending.

Arthur!
Have you got the map there?

Yes, yes, yes.

The aa book was the best thing
I could find.

I suppose we'll have to make do.
Yes, yes.

Arthur!

Could you excuse me
just a moment, sir?

Won't be long.

Mavis, what are you doing here?

Why haven't you and frank
come home for your tea?

Well, we've been
with mr mainwaring

and everything's
got sort of out of hand.

I've come to take frank home.

Wilson: No, no, please, mavis, don't.
You'll show me up.

Oh, don't be silly, Arthur.

Frank, where have you been?

Your tea's been in the oven
for over an hour.

You're to come home at once.
I can't come now, mum.

We're learning
how to be soldiers.

You'll just have to learn how
to be soldiers some other time.

I brought your Mac. Put it on.
It's pouring with rain outside.

Will you be around later,
Arthur, for your usual?

Really, mavis.
Well, are you or aren't you?

You going to be long, sir?

Come on, frank.

Right. Turn to the south coast.

Godfrey, would you mind, please?

Hold it up. Right, sir.

Like this. Look. There.

Now, here's the south coast.

And here is walmington...
Wilson!

You've got your thumb over
walmington-on-sea.

I'm so sorry, sir.
I beg your pardon.

As I was saying,
here is walmington...

Oh, do keep it still.

Mr mainwaring,
where is walmington?

If you can't see,
come in a bit closer.

Now, pay attention, everybody.

German commander:
Here is the south coast of england.

Now, 500 invasion barges
will cross here,

taking with them the fifth,
seventh, the eighth,

and the tenth panzer divisions.

And here another
500 invasion barges

with four divisions
of ss troops.

This whole sector
will be covered

by 1,500 dive bombers.

The enemy will probably
make his first attack here.

Now, it would be foolish
to dissipate our forces

by spreading them along
the whole of the promenade.

So half of the platoon will be
in the novelty rock emporium

and from
stone's amusement arcade

we shall be strongly supported

by the rest of the platoon
on bicycles.

All divisional commanders
will be in touch with me

by short wave radio.

All section leaders
will be in touch with me

by boy scout runners.

And we shall hold 12 divisions

and 2,000 aircraft
in reserve here.

I have a message from
the fuhrer, herr general.

He wants you to bring the invasion
plans to headquarters.

A message from your wife, sir.

She wants you to bring back
a pound of Brussels sprouts.

Now, pay attention.

Come on over here.
Come over here. Come on, now.

Come on, enough of the painting.
Come on, fall in.

Fall in.

Section one, here's your patrol
instructions for tonight.

Private frazer and private pike,

you patrol the river bank,
right?

Private Godfrey,
you patrol downside woods.

What? What did you say?

Downside woods.
I want you to patrol them.

Yes, right.

Private Walker you patrol
from jubilee gardens

to the recreation ground.

You've got to prevent
enemy aircraft from landing.

Hang on. I thought you said
I would have the night off.

I've got a date.

You've got to do your duty,
haven't you?

She can wait.
I know she can wait but I can't.

Now, where was 1? Yes. Private
Hastings, private hancock,

you patrol from the pier
to the bandstand,

taking special care
against enemy submarines.

Me, I'm going to patrol the gas,
light and coke company.

I'm gonna watch out
for saboteurs.

Do you think they might
cut the gas off?

Mr Jones? What?

Do you think I might possibly
have the spear tonight?

Here, listen, I'll tell you what.
You ought to give them the spear

if they're looking
for submarines.

Silence in the ranks. It's
my spear and I'm gonna use it.

If anyone approaches, you shout,
"halt, who goes there?"

And then you take down
their credentials.

If it's an enemy submarine
you're to shout a bit loud, son.

It's a little awkward if
I patrol the woods, mr Jones.

You see, there are
no conveniences there.

There's plenty of trees, though,
isn't there?

Well, 1 don't quite like
that sort of thing.

If you feel you have to go,
just recite a poem to yourself.

It'll take your mind off it.

Yes, that's quite a good idea.
Yes.

Well, now, to your posts.
Patrol dismissed.

Listen, son.

How would you like
to do me a favour?

I don't know what you mean,
mr Walker.

Walker: Psst!

Psst!

You all clear down there?

Are you gonna be long,
mr Walker?

I've got my own duty to go to.

I know, but it's like I told
you. My mum is very ill.

Woman: Come on, Joe.
That's her now.

Calling me.

She don't sound very ill to me.

Woman: Joe!

Coming, mum.

Halt! Who goes there?

Halt or I fire.

Friend or foe? Man: Friend.

Advance and be recognised.

Can I see your identity card?
Yes.

I can't see in this light.
Have you got a torch?

No. I've got a match.

Hold that a minute, will you?

Right.

Thanks. Good night. Night.

Hey, Fred.

I'll send the boy round with
your meat in the morning,

all right? Okay.

The owl and
the pussycat went to sea

in a beautiful pea green boat

they took some honey
and lots of...

Oh, dear.

Squad, attention!

Try to get it right, jonesy.

Platoon present and correct,
sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

Patrol, stand at ease.

Stand easy.

I've got some good news for you.

Oh, you mean our rifles
have come, sir?

No, but the ammunition has.

And although we've only been
formed for a week,

our first consignment
of uniforms has arrived.

Oh, that's good.

Dish them out, sergeant.
Right, sir.

Okay, jonesy. On the right arm.

As soon as you're dressed I want
you to gather round this table.

Come along.
Sit down on the floor.

Now, it's quite on the cards

that Adolf will kick off

and the church bells
will signal an invasion

before we have been issued
with our rifles.

In that case, our main armament

will consist
of these petrol bombs.

Now, the petrol bomb
is made up as follows.

One lemonade bottle,

one wick,

petrol,

and a box of matches.

Now, the procedure for tackling
a Nazi attack is as follows.

Bomber number one prises
the turret lid off with a crowbar.

Bomber number two
lights the wick.

And bomber number three
drops the bomb into the tank.

Any questions? - Yeah.

While we're doing all this,

what's the tank gonna be doing?

I'll do the talking.
Think he'll be upset, then?

He'll have to put up with it,
won't he?

Yes?

Bells. Beg your pardon?

We've come for your bells.
Oh, yes, for war weapons.

This is a very sad day for me.

Oh, never mind.
Guns before campanology.

I beg your pardon.

It's a hobby of mine,
campanology.

Bell ringing. I had no idea.

Well, you better come round
to the church. This way.

Did you have to bring
that beastly thing

right across my lawn?

You've been getting good
attendances lately, vicar?

Beg your pardon?

People pray a lot during
wartime, don't they?

Through here.

You know, I don't know

how I'm going to manage
without my bells.

Don't worry. We'll leave you
with one. That's all you need.

Yes, I suppose one must
be content with small mercies.

Let's go have a look at 'em.
All right.

They're through here.

It's very sad to think those
bells would never ring again.

I must hear them just once more.

That's the last
of the petrol, sir.

How many have we made, pike?
Two dozen, sir.

All right, men.

Now, at the moment
these petrol bombs

constitute our only armament.

At a range of anything up to 25
yards they can be quite deadly.

Bliss.

So the thing to remember...
Permission to speak, sir.

Don't interrupt, Jones.
The bells are going.

He's right. It is the bells.

They're here. Don't panic.

No! Don't panic! Don't panic!

Be quiet.

This is it, men.

Listen to me very carefully.

It's quite possible the Jerry
could be here any minute.

I've got to make
a snap decision.

We haven't got enough firepower

to stop him landing
on the beach.

So what we've got to do
is slow him up

so we can come to grips
with him hand to hand.

The best way to do that
is to throw a barricade

across the main road
leading to town.

Permission to speak, sir.

I've got my Van outside.
We can all go in that.

Good idea, Jones. Come on, lads.
Don't forget your gas masks.

Quickly as you can.

Wilson, get the gun.

Right, sir.

Back the Van up, Jones.

Let them get out first.

Disembark!

Give Godfrey a hand there.
Come on, mr Godfrey.

Take it away, Jones!

Don't just stand there, Wilson.
Get the barricade built.

What with? Furniture, of course.

Get it out of the houses.
We can't possibly do that!

At a time like this
we can do anything.

You take half the men and go up
one side of the street

and I'll take the other.
Follow me.

Hastings, Jones,
come on over here.

Sergeant, yes.

Walker, what are you doing?

Making meself smart
for the Germans.

That'll do. Pick up those bombs.
Take up your positions, men.

Thank you.
I think we have enough now.

Put it down and get to your post.
Right men, get into your positions.

Wilson. Yes, sir?

There are five cartridges left.

If anything happens to me,
you take over the shotgun.

Right, sir.

And if anything happens to you,
hand it to the man next to you.

Right.

Excuse me, sir.

I think they're coming
from behind.

What?

So they are.

That's a typical
shabby Nazi trick.

All right. We'll show them.
Round the other side, men.

Quick.

Don't fire till I give the order.

Steady, men.

Ready...

That lorry doesn't look German
to me, sir.

You never know, Wilson.

Who are you? Bert king. Why?

Didn't you hear
the invasion signal?

That was no invasion signal.

That was only the vicar
having a last pull at his bells.

What do you think you're doing?

Have you gone raving mad?

We thought the Nazis were coming.

Rubbish. Get this out of here.

That's enough of that.

Who do you think you are?
The local defence volunteers.

I'm their commander,
captain mainwaring.

I must ask you to keep
your hands off my privates.

Announcer:
This is the BBC home service.

Here is the news.

At 2:23 pm today

the admiralty,
in agreement with the French,

announced that operation dynamo
was now completed.

A total of 338,226
British and allied troops

have been successfully
evacuated from dunkirk.

The last of the armada
of little ships

is now safely in harbour.

Forty French and Belgian
vessels also participated.

And before midnight,

the British rear guard
was embarked.

Summing up the situation
in the house of commons,

the prime minister stated,

"we must be very careful not
to assign to this deliverance

attributes of a victory.

Wars are not won by evacuation."

Raymond? Raymond?

Here, boy. You take this
round to mrs pike.

Then can I go home?
Go home. Go on.

Don't be so childish.

Right. Next, please.

There you are, mr Jones.
Thank you, mrs hall.

My word, you haven't got
very much on this.

You shouldn't have had that
joint at the weekend.

No, well you know what my husband is,
mr Jones.

He will insist
on his little bit of brisket.

How much I got?
Two and tuppence.

I better have some chops then.

Well, you can only have
one and eight pence

worth of fresh meat, you know.

You'll have to make the rest up
in corned beef, right.

All right.

There we are.

Uh...

Do you want a sausage?
Oh, yes, please.

Good news about dunkirk, eh?
They got most of our boys out.

Yes.

Bringing our lads back
to Blighty like that

was a glorious achievement.

It was a great example
of British improvisation,

getting them out of France. Yes.

It's a pity they couldn't
have improvised

some way of keeping them there.

I don't want any
of that sort of talk, Wilson.

Can I see you for a minute,
mr frazer?

Well, what do you want?

That's a nice thing to say
to a bloke

that's come over to do you a favour.
Here, have a look at this.

Lovely solid brass coffin
handles.

You can't get them
for love or money.

Brass you say?
These are not brass.

Cheap rubbish.
A week underground...

They're rusted through.

Well, by then
who's gonna know the difference?

All right. I'll take a dozen.

Better make that two dozen.

Look. Look. They're like
little bees, aren't they?

What are you doing, standing
there gawking? Get under cover.

There go our brave boys.
Well done, lads.

Give 'em hell!

They're not ours. They're Nazis.

Rotten swines!

Pike, come
and get on with your work.

Thank you.

That's enough, thank you, mavis.

Don't touch the butter, frank.
It's uncle Arthur's ration.

Sorry, mum.

You out on patrol again tonight,
Arthur?

Yeah, I'm afraid I am, mavis.

Oh. You'll have to come back
with frank

and stay here the night.

It'll be too late to go home.
Don't fuss, mavis.

I don't want you
catching a cold.

I can make you up a bed like
I did last night on the settee.

Uncle Arthur must be
a very light sleeper, mum.

Oh? Why?

When I came down this morning
for the milk,

his bed hardly looked slept in.

Get on with your tea, frank.

No sign of them yet, sir.

You're hardly likely
to spot them

through those things, Godfrey.

I don't know, sir. They're pretty powerful.

I don't expect they'll come now,
sir, it's getting dark.

Red Indians are the ones that
don't attack at night, Wilson.

These Nazis will come any time.

You just can't trust them.

All right, Godfrey.

Keep your eyes skinned.
Yes, sir.

Wilson: A beautiful sunset, sir.

Mainwaring:
It's a beautiful land, Wilson.

They're not going to get it,
you know.

They're not going
to get their hands on it.

We shall fight till the last.

Keep firing until we've only got
one round each.

We shall save that
for ourselves.

By the way, how much ammunition
have we got?

Wilson: One round each, sir.

Mainwaring:
Splendid turnout, men.

To look at us no one would think

that we've only been formed
a few weeks.

We're starting to get
our equipment

and we've each got an armband.

What we've got to do now
is to improvise some weapons.

That is the keynote
to our training.

This way, if you please, sir.

Permission to demonstrate

my rocket firing
anti-dive bomber gun, sir.

Carry on, Jones.
Kindly note a few details.

The six drainpipes tied together

are mounted on a pram
for mobility.

The gunpowder inside the rockets

consists of the following
mixture:

Eight ounces of weed killer,

a pound and a half of sugar

and a pinch of bicarbonate soda.

Show us how it works.
Thank you, sir.

Enemy dive bomber overhead.
Ready!

Fire!

Come on, pikey, come on.

The matches are damp, mr Jones.

Let's have a go.

Sorry, sir.
Have you got a light, please?

Yes.

Sir? No, no, no. I'll do it.

Jones: Way hey!

Excellent, Jones.

Excellent. Look at that, men.
Straight as a die.

I shouldn't like to be on
the receiving end of that lot.

Mainwaring: Look out below!

Mainwaring:
In here. Come on, men.

We'd better get out of its way.

Man: Come on, quickly.

You all right, sir?

One thing, Jones.

I don't think you should have
added the bicarbonate of soda.

Mainwaring: Well done, men.
Keep it up.

You'll be pleased to hear
that in future,

instead of being known
as local defence volunteers,

we shall be called
the home guard.

And one thing is certain,
gentlemen.

Jerry will never catch us
with our trousers down.

Permission to demonstrate my
one man bulletproof tank, sir.

Who's inside it?
Private Walker, sir.

I'd like you to observe
how bulletproof it is.

There you are, sir.

There's nothing much
that would get through that.

I'd like you to notice
the periscope

coming up through the plug hole.

It gives a clarified view
all the way around, sir.

What's its firepower?

Very formidable, that is, sir.

Joe, are you there?
Walker: Yeah.

I want to show captain
mainwaring how deadly it is.

Stick your weapon
through the overflow.

Walker:
I'm not a flipping contortionist, you know.

Come on, Joe, you can do it.
Go on and have a go. Go on.

Come on, Joe.

Doesn't seem very mobile to me,
Jones.

Just you watch this, sir.

Stand by, Joe.

I'm gonna give you
a little shove.

Quick, men!

Quick, Walker, put the plug in!

What's that, mr mainwaring?

Never mind.

Mainwaring: Very smart, men.
Very smart.

I think I can safely say

that we are ready for anything
that Jerry can dish out.

Very interesting.

Tell me about it. Well, sir...

Permission to demonstrate
my anti-vehicle device.

Man: Captain mainwaring, sir.

See what they want, corporal.

Yes, sir. Go on.

Will you explain to us, frazer,
exactly how this machine works?

Right, sir.

Now, you see
an enemy vehicle approaching.

You pull the chain.

The oil pours all over the road.

And the wheels
cannot get a grip, sir.

A bit leaky, isn't it?

It's just a wee drop.
That will not hurt anybody.

Staff car coming, sir.

That must be general Fuller

coming to inspect
this new weapon.

Excellent, excellent.

Now we can show him
how well we can improvise.

Come along, Jones.
Coming, sir. Coming.

Hurry up now. Come on, jonesy.

Stop it, stop it! Shut it off!

What are you doing,
you blundering old idiot?

You're making a shambles
of my beautiful demonstration.

Frazer: Get out of
it, you silly old...

Come on, turn it off.

Turn it off.
Come on, turn it off!

Oh dear.

Man: Oh, dear.

Good lord.
It's that damned bank clerk.

Wilson: Platoon, halt!

Platoon present
and correct, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

Well, men, I think we should all
congratulate corporal Jones

on turning his Van
into an armoured car.

Next weekend, as you know, we,

along with the other home guard
units in the area,

are taking part
in large scale manoeuvers.

It goes without saying that
with our new powerful weapon,

we shall be taking a prominent
part in that. Carry on, sergeant.

Right, sir.

Armoured car section fall in.

Wilson: All right, embark!

All:
One, two, three, one, two, three.

Left, right, left, right,
left, right...

All right.

Enemy on the left.
Range, 100 yards.

Five rounds, rapid fire.

Left, two, three.
Bang, two, three.

Bang, two, three.
Bang, two, three.

In, two, three.
Close, two, three.

Enemy dive bomber overhead.

Five rounds, rapid fire.

Bang, two, three.
Bang, two, three.

Down, two, three.
Close, two, three.

Disembark.

All: Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right...

One, two, three,
one, two, three.

One, two, three, salute.
Excellent, men.

Excellent.

No doubt about it.
We shall have the edge

on the other home guard units
next weekend.

By the way, Jones,

I'm going to have your Van, your
armoured car, converted into gas.

I hope you don't mind. Gas?

Yes. It saves petrol.
It'll only take a few days.

Should be ready just in time
for the manoeuvers.

Hey, Joe, I'll never forget
when I was in the Sudan.

Oh, blimey, jonesy. Not again.

Sergeant.

Yes, sir?

How much further is it
to this camp?

Oh, about ten miles.

What time is it?

12:00.

Oh, good. We'll be there
in time for lunch.

We were surrounded by hundreds
of fuzzy-wuzzies, you see.

And so, anyway,
we'd run out of ammo, you see.

So I just did the only thing
there was for us to do.

We all fixed bayonets, you see.

Then we let 'em have it,
right up 'em.

They don't like it up 'em.

They don't seem to like that,
them fuzzy-wuzzies.

Look, Wilson, there's a stuka.
What? Good heavens. Where?

There!

Are you sure? Don't argue, man.

Carry out the drill. All right.

Don't panic.

Open, two, three. Up...

It's all right, sir.
It was one of ours.

Yes. I could have sworn
it was a stuka dive bomber.

The way the wings swept back
like that.

No, sir, the stuka's wings
don't sweep back.

Good lord, sir, look at that.

What are you laughing at?

The thought occurred to me,

as the Van has been converted
to gas,

perhaps we ought to
change the drill.

Don't you think?

See that the men get their tea

as quickly as possible,
mr Dawkins.

Major-general Fuller will be
inspecting the camp in an hour.

Hurry up, you lot.
Get a move on.

Don't forget, the general wants
to see a full kit layout.

Every bit of equipment
they've got.

What the hell's happened
to mainwaring's platoon?

They're five hours late.

Mainwaring:
No use saying you're sorry, Jones.

You shouldn't have had your
bayonet on in the first place.

Point is, how are we going to get the Van
to go now the bag's empty?

Why don't we dump the damn thing
and march to the camp?

We'll be there in an hour.

How dare you! That is my Van
and you will not dump it!

And I'm hungry. Oh, be quiet.

You think you can help us?

You don't want me.
You want the gas company.

Very smart, men.
Very smart, indeed.

Now, as you know, equipment
is in extremely short supply.

So I want you
to take very great care of it.

Mainwaring: All right, Jones.
You can stop it. We're here.

Jones!

Jones, the Van's broken away.
Stop it, man. Stop it.

I can't stop it, sir.
I can't stop it.

It's pretty simple.
There are only two things to do.

I've done the two things, sir.
I've done the two things.

Stop it.

Stop it, for heaven's sake,
Jones.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

It's that damned bank clerk!

Spin it round!

Spin it round, sir!

Don't panic. Don't panic, sir.

Back it up.
Will you be quiet, Jones?

My dear fellow, I'm so sorry,

but I'm afraid we've ruined
your tents.

It's all right, sergeant.

You were the ones that were
gonna sleep in them.

Man: Come on, men. Pick it up.

Wilson? Yes, sir?

What are you doing?

I've had a wash
and a lovely breakfast.

Why didn't you call me?

I didn't like to. You looked
so peaceful lying there.

What time is it?
Twenty to 9, sir.

What?

Jones! Corporal Jones!

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir.

Wake the men up. It's 20 to 9.

Don't panic. It's 20 to 9.

It's 20 to 9. Come along, now.

Get ready for breakfast.
We're late.

Come on, 20 to 9.

Twenty to 9. Come on, pikey.

Get your mess tins. Line up.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Oh, good morning, sir.

May I ask you
where you're going to?

We're going to breakfast,
of course.

Breakfast finished
half an hour ago.

Oh, no.

We've already missed two meals.

You know we haven't eaten
for 24 hours?

Breakfast finishes at 8:15, sir.

You'd better get your men ready,
sir.

They're due on parade
in 10 minutes.

The general's giving
the whole camp

the outline
for today's manoeuvers.

This morning, gentlemen,
we shall be engaged in manoeuvers

against a formidable enemy,

a detachment
of the royal marines.

Now, listen carefully.

This is the plan of campaign.

I'm starving of hunger
and stuck here in the bog.

It's all yon mainwaring's fault.

He's made a complete mess
of things.

He's not to blame altogether.

It's really fortunes of war.
Rubbish.

Platoon will attempt
to get around behind the enemy

and attack from the rear.

In order to do this,

they will have to cross
the river by the pontoon bridge.

That bridge will be guarded by
the walmington-on-sea platoon.

That's us, Wilson.
I suppose it must be.

In conclusion, men,

may I point out that you'll be
up against regular troops...

You're not the only one, mate.

Suck your thumb.

But I'm sure that you will prove

that the home guard
can take anything

that anyone anywhere
can dish out to them.

So good luck and give 'em hell.

Right! Attention!

Dismissed!

Man: They're coming, sarge.

That'll do, boys. Come on.

Break step.

Corporal Jones, you and number
one section stay on the bridge.

The rest of you follow me
at the double.

Hey.

That shouldn't
be dangling there.

What shouldn't be dangling?

Rope!

Blimey. It's been cut.

Jonesy, grab hold of it.

This is supposed to
hold the bridge.

Wait. Come on, come on.
Move yourself.

What the hell's going on?
Don't panic.

Right. Keep it tight.
Pass it on.

Keep it tight. Pass it on.

No sign of the enemy.

We'll get back to the base.
Godfrey, you stay here on watch

and if you see anything,
crawl back at the double.

Right, chaps. Take the strain.
Man: Take the strain.

Right. Right!

Where's captain mainwaring?

He's just gone up
the other bank, sir.

Who are you?
I'm Lance-corporal Jones, sir.

Haven't you learned to salute
an officer?

Yes, sir. Well, salute then!

I can't, sir. We're holding...
Salute, man!

Permission to speak, sir. Yes?

The general's horse.
He's drifting down the river.

Have you told the general?

I think he knows.
He's sitting on it.

We'll think of something as
we're running along.

Don't keep running up and down
waving your arms about!

You'll frighten the horse.
Telephone hq for help.

Mainwaring: Yes, sir.
There aren't any telephones.

I know there are no telephones
on the bank, you idiot.

Send a runner!
Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

Couldn't you swim ashore, sir?

I'm a general, not an admiral!

Think of something!
Yes, sir, we will.

We'll think of something
as we're running along.

Well, run a bit harder!

Yes, sir.

I'm going to give you
some instruction.

If you can hear me,
nod your head.

Did he nod his head, Wilson?
What?

I wasn't really watching, sir.

Pay attention, do.
Yes, of course.

Did you nod your head?

Get on with it, you idiot.

Ah.

Now, listen carefully.

When you get underneath us,
raise your arms.

We're going to lean over
and pull you off the horse.

Have you got that?

What?

I said,

when you get underneath us,

raise your arms.

We're going to lean over and...

Yes, yes, get on with it,
you idiot!

Right. Corporal Jones? Yes.

Take number one section
and hang over the other side

in case we miss him. - Yes, sir.

Over the side, private Lesley.
Me? I'm not going over there.

Get him over the side.

This had better work,
mainwaring!

When I give the word, grab.

General:
Get this little man out of my way!

Can I help you at all, sir?

Take your hands off me!

Are you all right, sir?
You bloody fool!

Wilson: Attention!

Help! Look, mainwaring.
I missed him!

Quick. Quick, men, after him.
Help!

Frazer: Hold on, jonesy.

Hold on!

Walker:
We'll get you off, jonesy.

Help!

Help! Help!

Look, sir. A boat! A boat!

Ah. Frazer, Wilson,
you two get in the boat.

The rest of you keep on running
down the bank.

Go on, get in, Wilson.

I'd rather stay on the bank,
and keep running, sir.

Do as I say.
Get in the boat at once.

Right, off you go.

Right, now.

Take an oar each, you two.
I'll take charge.

Why you?

It was me that was in the Navy.
That'll do, frazer.

Nice horse, nice horse. Yes.

Now, don't move. Don't move.

Hold on, Jones. We're coming.

I am holding on,
captain mainwaring.

I am holding on.

No! We'll never
get through that lot.

We'd better go back to camp.

Mr mainwaring said we've got to
carry on along the bank.

You've got to take your shoes
and socks off then, mate.

Wilson, secure the boat.
Aye, aye, sir.

All right, jonesy.
We'll soon have you off, son.

Hang on.

Jonesy, the branch!

The branch. Grab it, man.
Grab it!

Try and stop us!

Hold on, hold on... whoa!

I've got the branch, but it
didn't seem to stop the boat.

I'll catch you up later, sir.

We'll meet you further
down the bank.

Yes, sir. Right, sir.
I'm running along now, sir.

It seems to me
we've come to a halt, sir.

There's only one thing for it.

I shall have to swim across
and get help.

I want you to know, sir,
that if anything goes wrong...

I don't suppose it will,
mind you, but if it does,

you can rely on me to make
all the necessary arrangements.

Good luck, sir.

Thank you, frazer.

Well, mainwaring, it's not
a very pretty picture, is it?

No, sir. -

let's examine your record
this weekend.

You arrive late, crush and ruin
100 sets of equipment,

a dozen tents,
break a pontoon bridge,

and nearly drown
a valuable horse.

Not to mention me.

On top of all that, six months
ago you wouldn't cash my check.

Well, I didn't know you then,
sir.

Well, you bloody well do now!

You know, mainwaring,

no matter how good troops are,

if they're badly led they become
a disorganised rabble.

So in the light of what's
happened this last weekend,

I think I must warn you

that I shall have to reconsider
your whole future

as commanding officer of
the walmington-on-sea platoon.

That's all.

Did you have a nice little chat
with the general, sir?

He didn't say much.

Just the usual
red tape nonsense.

Yes, well, I wouldn't take it
too much to heart, sir.

It wasn't all your fault.

You've just been the victim
of circumstances.

Most of the time.

Blimey, they're a bit early.

How far from home are we, Joe?

Oh, I don't know.
About four miles, I think.

My mum doesn't like me
being away from home

when there's a raid on.

Blimey, that was quick.
I can hear a plane already.

Ready to go home?

Good.

Man: We are hit!

Herr general!
The plane has been hit!

They're losing height.

I'll speak to them myself.

S for Schultz,
calling s for Schultz.

Get those photographs back here.
You understand?

I must have them at all costs.

Bail out, bail out!

Bail out?

Platoon, halt!

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

As you know, this meeting
tonight is to discuss

our forthcoming
war weapons week.

And so, without further ado, I
should like to introduce you...

Start the ball rolling,

I shall call on his worship,
the mayor,

to open the meeting.

Thank you. Mr chairman,

councillor, mrs Haines,

and mr town clerk.

Ladies and gentlemen,
as you know,

at this moment

our gallant airmen
are locked in mortal combat

with the luftwaffe.

Now, they are doing their part.

And it's up to us
to do our part.

Now, our plan was
to buy a spitfire,

but raising the money for
a spitfire, a whole one,

is no easy task.

Walmington-on-sea
shall buy one half

and the town of eastgate
the other half.

Now, let us not be backward
in giving generously...

Halt!

All of you, stay where you are.
You stay here. Come on.

All right.
Nothing will happen to you.

Now, all of you will move
against that wall.

And raise your hands now,
quickly.

Come on! Move! Fast!

Keep your hands up. Now, move.

Move over
and keep against the wall.

You, down as well.

Quick!

Keep still!

Keep your hands up!

Don't anyone move
unless you're told.

Hello, mr Hodges.
Is the lock stuck again?

No, no, it's full of Germans.
Is it?

Why don't you use
the one in the vicarage?

Where's the nearest phone box?
You can't do that.

Get out of the way.

What are you talking about?
Full of Germans?

In!

Thank you, driver.

All right, come on.

Head down, all of you,
quickly as you can.

Don't forget your rifles.

Wilson, give the driver
something for his trouble,

will you?
Yes, of course I will, yes.

Stand over there
with the others.

Man: Talk about doing
the lord mayor's show.

Frank: It don't half pong in here,
uncle Arthur.

Mum will be furious, me going
home smelling like this.

Frazer: Trust mainwaring to sit
in front away from the rubbish.

You, pastor, go to the door.

Whoever it is, send him away.

Franz, you go with him.

G - -
vou cant come in ood evening, vicar.

Mainwaring: But this is my hq.

It doesn't matter.
You can't come in.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Come back later.

When I'm alone.

I don't understand.

It's a special meeting
of the young mothers club.

That's all right.
They won't mind me.

Oh, yes, they will.
You're not in the club.

Ooh, how dare you!

You all right, sir?

No.

It's the vicar.
He won't let me in.

He looked very peculiar.

Kept winking and asking me
to come back later.

Are you going to?

Silence!

This is preposterous!

Shut up!

Quick, quick, take cover.

Behind the wall, quick!

Permission to speak, sir.
I think I heard a shot.

Somebody's got a gun.

Can't be the young mothers club.
Must be the vicar.

Go for help.

Don't shout like that
for heaven's sake.

Take cover. The vicar's
gone mad. He's firing at us.

That's not the vicar.
It's Germans.

Germans! Don't panic. - Jones!

Give 'em the old cold steel.
The old cold steel.

Will you be quiet!

You are going outside.

You tell your friends
we want the boat.

If we don't get what we want

we shoot all of these,
one by one.

We start with the pastor. Out!

Come on!

What's happening here?

How did you get here, sir?
I telephoned for him.

Don't shoot.
I can hear the verger.

It's me, it's me! Mr Hodges.

What's going on?

They want a boat to get across
the channel.

They get a boat a
cross my dead body!

It'll be over
the mayor's dead body.

They're holding him hostage.

We'll have to be very careful
how we handle this, sir.

We're not handling anything,
mainwaring.

This is a job
for the regular army.

Get your old men out of here.

But... move!

If I may say so, you're taking
a very high-handed attitude.

Just clear off.

Follow me.

We're going to have to be very
careful how we handle this, captain.

If we open fire some of those
people in there might get hit.

Mainwaring: You don't think he was
referring to me when he called us old men,

do you, Wilson?

It's utterly absurd bringing
the regular army in.

We could have handled this.

What would you have done?

I'd have found a way
into that hall somehow.

Permission to whisper, sir.

Yes.

Why don't we creep into
the crypt under the crib and...

Come on.

Lieutenant short, royal Navy.

I hear you've got
a spot of bother.

We'll have to be careful
how we handle this.

I've sent for the marines.

Uncle Arthur.

What is it?

This reminds me of that film,
Dracula.

They crept into
a place like this,

lifted a lid off one of the
coffins and drove a stake in.

It ain't half creepy.

All right,
then just don't lift any lids.

Shh! Quiet!

This way.

Come on.

Captain crisp, royal marines.

I hear you've got
a spot of bother.

We'll have to be very careful
how we handle this.

I've sent for the police.

What am I gonna do, sir?

If I'm not back in 15 minutes
with the answer,

the vicar's gonna be very upset.

Why? They're gonna shoot him.

Herr oberleutnant,
the time is over.

Give them two more minutes.

Come on.

I'm inspector hardcastle. I hear
you've got a spot of bother.

We shall have to be very careful
how we handle this.

I sent for the fire brigade.

There's a lot of people about.
Better send for an ambulance,

in case anybody gets hurt.

Platoon:
J all creatures great and small &

j all things
wise and wonderful &

j the lord, god, made them all j

j all things
bright and beautiful j

j all creatures
great and small j

j all things
wise and wonderful &

j the lord, god, made them all j

j frazer stand behind him j

j and I will get his gun j

j and I will take my bayonet &

j and stick it up his... j

I think they've rumbled us, sir.

What is this?

This.

If you don't put that gun down
I will shoot you.

And if you don't put that gun
down I will shoot you.

I give you one last warning.

And I give you one last warning.

One. One.

Two.

Two.

Three.

Three.

If you shoot me there are
seven men to take my place.

What the devil's
happening in there?

Come on. We're going in.

Do you think that's wise, sir?

Well, I'm damned.

J night, the night we met j

j there was magic abroad
in the air j

j there were angels dining
at the ritz &

j and a nightingale sang j

hello, mr mainwaring.
We showed them, didn't we?

We certainly did, Jones.

J I may be right

it's empty.

J I may be wrong j

j but I'm perfectly willing j

j to swear j

j that when you turned
and smiled at me &

j the nightingale sang j

morning, mr mainwaring.
Morning, Walker.

J in Berkeley square j

Good morning, mr mainwaring.
Morning, miss king.

Morning, Wilson. Hello, sir.

Why did you know that German's
gun was empty after all?

When it comes to that, Wilson,
so was mine.

That sea is blowing up
awfully rough.

Aye, they'll never cross
the channel in this weather.

We should be safe till
the spring now, mr mainwaring.

In that case, perhaps we could have
the weekend off, sir?

Weekend off? Yes.

This is war, Wilson.

It doesn't just finish at 5:00
on Friday evening

and start again
at 9:00 on Monday, you know.

Anyway, who's to say
they'll come by sea?

For all we know
at this very moment

they might be digging
a tunnel underneath us.

That is absurd.

I heard a scratching last night.
I thought it might be a mouse,

but of course
it could have been a Nazi.

Anyway, there will be
no weekends off.

Whenever they come
we'll be ready for them.

Spring, summer,
Autumn or winter.

Over the sea or out of the sky.

Or up between our legs.

Or up...

Wherever they come from,
we'll be ready.

Permission to speak, sir. Yes.

I think I can hear
a burrowing sound.

Oh, don't be absurd.

No, hang on a minute.
I think I can hear something.

Perhaps we'd better make sure.

Wilson, just put your ear
to the ground, huh.

I'll cover you.
See if you can hear anything.

That's impossible.

Do as you're told.

Do you hear anything?

I can't quite make it out, sir.

What? I can hear something.

Mainwaring: Stop shuffling your feet, boy.
I'm trying to listen.

J who do you think
you are kidding, mr Hitler? J

j if you think
we're on the run j

j we are the boys who will
stop your little game j

j we are the boys
who will make you think again j

j cos who do you think
you are kidding, mr Hitler? J

j if you think
old england's done j

Closed captions: Sarah Cannon
adapted by wlp