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1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:07,748
Two households, both alike in dignity,
in fair Tring, where we set our scene.
2
00:00:07,948 --> 00:00:12,393
Ancient grudges have been forgot, thanks
to these star-crossed lovers.
3
00:00:12,593 --> 00:00:15,126
I love it when you
quote old shit.
4
00:00:15,660 --> 00:00:17,100
Smooch, how's your breakfast?
5
00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:18,940
Frank cooked it special, you know,
6
00:00:19,140 --> 00:00:21,300
to say sorry for all them
practical jokes.
7
00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:24,300
You stopped being mean to Alfie,
ain't you, Frank?
8
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,700
Ugh! Yeah. Yes, he has.
9
00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:28,540
No more pubes on my toothbrush.
10
00:00:28,740 --> 00:00:30,700
Aw, I knew you two was
going to get on.
11
00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:36,300
Ding dong! All passengers for Posh
Paws Pet Salon, please disembark.
12
00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:37,580
Woof, woof!
13
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:43,100
Oh, Mart, you're so funny.
Say goodbye to Daddy, Coco.
14
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:44,940
Bye-bye, Daddy!
15
00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:46,580
Bye-bye, Coco!
16
00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,740
Come here, you big hunk of man.
17
00:00:48,940 --> 00:00:50,380
Please don't!
18
00:00:50,580 --> 00:00:51,580
Oh, God.
19
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:57,660
Oh...
20
00:00:57,860 --> 00:01:00,140
You put them in my sandwich,
didn't you?
21
00:01:30,180 --> 00:01:34,340
Do you know why I have summoned you
here, to the Embassy of Bantartica?
22
00:01:34,540 --> 00:01:37,140
To tell him to dump Grayson's mum?
No.
23
00:01:37,340 --> 00:01:38,940
Although, as Headmaster, Martin,
24
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:41,460
I am formally obligated
to remind you
25
00:01:41,660 --> 00:01:44,460
that you are seriously punching
above your ruddy weight.
26
00:01:44,660 --> 00:01:45,300
What's your secret?
27
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:46,820
I'm like the Tory party.
28
00:01:47,020 --> 00:01:48,860
I perform very well down south.
29
00:01:49,060 --> 00:01:51,560
Right, you, shut up.
You, why are we here?
30
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,260
The local education authority
have forced me
31
00:01:54,460 --> 00:01:56,180
to run background checks
on the staff,
32
00:01:56,380 --> 00:01:58,300
boring.com/bullshit.
33
00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,220
However, in the rummage,
34
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:03,240
I have discovered Alf's guilty
little secret.
35
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,260
Ugh, God! Is this about
my Harry Potter audition?
36
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:07,940
Alf got down to the final three,
37
00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:09,140
just pipped at the post
38
00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:10,580
by Emma Watson.
39
00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:14,740
I'm talking about your GCSE Biology,
or absence thereof.
40
00:02:14,940 --> 00:02:17,580
Ooh, the GCSE story.
41
00:02:17,780 --> 00:02:19,900
Let me dust off me
old book of yarns.
42
00:02:23,780 --> 00:02:26,220
Get on with it.
43
00:02:26,420 --> 00:02:30,100
It was young Alf's GCSE term
44
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:34,340
and he was having to deal with
some pretty brutal bullying.
45
00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:38,820
His mother and I never got to the
bottom of why they picked on him.
46
00:02:39,020 --> 00:02:41,420
Alfie was also struggling
with biology.
47
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:46,540
Luckily though, Alf wasn't the only
neglected soul at the school.
48
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:49,660
A friendship was born.
49
00:02:50,740 --> 00:02:55,300
That young janitor from Boston
taught Alf everything he knew.
50
00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:58,340
Come his exam,
he was brimming with confidence.
51
00:03:01,620 --> 00:03:02,880
What happened?
52
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,140
He got a U. Oh.
53
00:03:04,340 --> 00:03:06,900
Turned out the janitor didn't know
anything about biology.
54
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:08,580
Or much else for that matter.
55
00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:09,940
The man had an IQ of 40.
56
00:03:10,140 --> 00:03:12,460
He was tutoring Alfie
in a strain of pataphysics
57
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:15,180
he claimed a lizard had
taught him in a dream.
58
00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:17,700
So what? I failed an exam, like,
seven years ago.
59
00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:21,060
I suppose now you're going to tell me
that I'm not allowed to teach anymore.
60
00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:23,620
Yes, I am. I can't employ you
without your core GCSEs.
61
00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:26,740
You're going to have to sit biology
along with the other candidates.
62
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,820
Me? Do an exam with the kids?
63
00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:31,420
But I haven't done biology
since I was, like, 16.
64
00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:33,940
Well, I tell you what, I could
probably give you an A to Z
65
00:03:34,140 --> 00:03:36,820
on the Ps and Qs of
the birds and bees.
66
00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:38,700
Right, anything but that.
67
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:42,220
Alfie Wickers,
can you concentrate please?
68
00:03:42,420 --> 00:03:44,900
Can I go to the loo?
It's "May I go to the loo,"
69
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:48,300
and no, you can't, because you've
already been three times.
70
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:51,460
Now, carbon dioxide plus water
71
00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:54,180
equals glucose, and...
72
00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:59,380
Yes, Alfie? Can - sorry - MAY you
teach me the equation
73
00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:01,060
of how to cook crystal meth?
74
00:04:01,260 --> 00:04:02,540
Just in case I fail the exam.
75
00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:05,020
Well, you won't fail
if you concentrate.
76
00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:07,300
Er, Miss, when do we
get to see a fanny?
77
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:10,340
If you ask nicely, maybe your
brother will let you see his.
78
00:04:10,540 --> 00:04:12,100
Ooh! Settle down please.
79
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,660
He ain't my brother.
80
00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:15,300
Sorry, can I just point out,
81
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:16,220
I don't have a fanny.
82
00:04:16,420 --> 00:04:18,340
Why have you predicted us
all A stars, Miss?
83
00:04:18,540 --> 00:04:22,620
Because, Joe, nothing is more
powerful than self belief.
84
00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:24,240
Yeah, but, Rosie, in Joe's defence,
85
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:25,920
he's about as likely to get an A star
86
00:04:25,990 --> 00:04:27,340
as he is to win Rear of the Year.
87
00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:28,700
In my defence?
88
00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,340
Joe's right, when we crash and burn,
89
00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:32,740
our 'rents are going to be
mucho sad face.
90
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,180
Other than Jing's obviously.
91
00:04:34,380 --> 00:04:36,500
Yeah, obviously.
Jing's going to get ten A stars
92
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,820
and a scholarship to an
all-girls private school.
93
00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:41,100
So, obviously Jing's
going to be fine.
94
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:43,100
Sorry, babe.
It's not your fault.
95
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,700
My parents are obsessed with me
getting this scholarship.
96
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:48,300
Remember, Jing, parents only want
what's best for you.
97
00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:50,380
Yeah, I mean parents
always say that,
98
00:04:50,580 --> 00:04:52,260
but sometimes what
parents actually want
99
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:55,700
is really, really shit
for everyone involved.
100
00:04:55,900 --> 00:04:57,620
Are you saying my mum ain't
good enough
101
00:04:57,820 --> 00:05:00,660
for your saggy-bollocked
prick of a dad? No, Frank.
102
00:05:00,860 --> 00:05:03,500
What I'm saying is that
when my father is motorboating
103
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:07,460
your ridiculously-titted,
dog-bothering mother over breakfast,
104
00:05:07,660 --> 00:05:10,420
that perhaps they don't have
our best interests at heart.
105
00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:11,900
You leave Coco out of this.
106
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:13,260
Who the hell is Coco?
107
00:05:13,460 --> 00:05:15,740
The rat his mother
keeps in her handbag.
108
00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:18,180
Coco is a pedigree Chihuahua.
109
00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:20,700
Probably the ugliest dog I've ever
seen in my entire life.
110
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:23,860
I'm warning you! It looks a bit like
someone glued some whiskers
111
00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:25,560
onto a junkie's scrotum.
112
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,260
OK, I'm sorry. Frank! Oh...
113
00:05:32,660 --> 00:05:36,220
Fireball Tomahawk rockets?
114
00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:37,100
Freeze!
115
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:39,460
Uh-oh, it's the MILF hunter.
Any last requests?
116
00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:42,460
Does your missus have a sister?
No, but her mother's quite tasty.
117
00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:44,940
Excuse me.
Yes, 30 litres of gasoline.
118
00:05:45,140 --> 00:05:46,980
I'm organising the kids'
end of exam party.
119
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,260
Ingredients - one skip, one match
and a whole heap of textbooks.
120
00:05:50,460 --> 00:05:52,620
About that, the skip party's off.
121
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,500
Council were very clear.
No more fires.
122
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:57,900
Yeah, well, there's always
a killjoy somewhere,
123
00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,260
living in a thatched cottage.
124
00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:02,860
Martin, I think you need
to call Frank's mother.
125
00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:04,580
There's a problem. Oh, God!
126
00:06:04,780 --> 00:06:06,820
Has Frank found our home videos?
127
00:06:07,020 --> 00:06:08,020
No...
128
00:06:10,540 --> 00:06:12,940
Tell me everything you know
about nitro-glycerine.
129
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:19,980
Now, this morning,
I had to break-up a fight.
130
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:23,420
He started it! No, I didn't. Dad,
he called you a prick.
131
00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:25,580
Boys will be boys.
They were just play fighting.
132
00:06:25,780 --> 00:06:27,980
He called Coco a rat.
133
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,380
What?!
134
00:06:29,580 --> 00:06:31,860
Did I? I don't remember saying that.
135
00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:34,500
You can say what
you like about Frank. I can?
136
00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:36,940
You can call him a useless mongrel.
Bit harsh.
137
00:06:37,140 --> 00:06:39,580
You can call him a selfish,
bed-wetting, little bastard,
138
00:06:39,780 --> 00:06:41,220
who made his dad up and leave. Whoa!
139
00:06:41,260 --> 00:06:44,460
But don't you dare be rude
about my little princess.
140
00:06:44,660 --> 00:06:47,900
Right, um, I wouldn't say
any of those things about Frank,
141
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,636
mainly cos he scares
the shit out of me,
142
00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:54,220
but also because underneath
the bravado and the pube sandwiches,
143
00:06:54,420 --> 00:06:55,860
I know that he's a good kid.
144
00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:58,960
Alfie's absolutely right. I'm not
sure you should be calling...
145
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:02,060
You have no right to tell me
how to bring up my boy. Martin?
146
00:07:02,260 --> 00:07:03,700
Perhaps you should try... Martin!
147
00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:05,180
You're bang out of order, Rosie.
148
00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:08,780
Mrs Grayson, I'm not telling you
how to raise your children.
149
00:07:08,980 --> 00:07:11,460
Behavioural problems are
sometimes linked to jealousy.
150
00:07:11,660 --> 00:07:14,020
Not jealous, Miss.
Don't deserve Mummy's love.
151
00:07:14,220 --> 00:07:15,220
Coco's pedigree.
152
00:07:16,220 --> 00:07:17,700
I'm... I'm not pedigree.
153
00:07:19,980 --> 00:07:23,180
OK. Um, here's an idea.
154
00:07:23,380 --> 00:07:26,620
How about we just say sorry to each
other and then we can all move on?
155
00:07:26,820 --> 00:07:30,780
I think that's a wonderful idea.
Frank, I...
156
00:07:30,980 --> 00:07:32,300
Well?
157
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:33,860
You want me to talk to the dog?
158
00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:40,300
Coco, I'm very sorry
159
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:42,860
for saying that you look
like a junkie's scrotum.
160
00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:44,940
Martin?
161
00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:45,980
Well done, Alfie.
162
00:07:46,060 --> 00:07:48,100
No, Martin! You as well.
163
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:50,660
You hurt her feelings.
But I didn't...
164
00:07:56,540 --> 00:07:57,940
Sorry, Coco.
165
00:07:58,140 --> 00:07:59,460
See!
166
00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:02,500
That wasn't so hard, was it?
167
00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:06,060
Silly old man, won't be having
any of Mummy's pudding tonight,
168
00:08:06,260 --> 00:08:07,420
will he, Coco?
169
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:15,980
Nice to see your father's found
himself another nutcase.
170
00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:17,660
I mean how does he find them?
171
00:08:17,860 --> 00:08:19,340
Look, I know it's tricky with Frank,
172
00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:22,200
but you and your class have
to stay focused on this exam.
173
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,060
Rosie, you know I have the utmost
respect for your judgment,
174
00:08:25,260 --> 00:08:27,060
but A stars? For my class?
175
00:08:27,260 --> 00:08:27,980
Are you mental?
176
00:08:28,180 --> 00:08:30,940
But don't you realise what an
amazing opportunity you have here?
177
00:08:31,140 --> 00:08:33,660
You can stand shoulder to
shoulder with these kids,
178
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:36,660
going through the same ordeal
together, as equals.
179
00:08:36,860 --> 00:08:39,660
Alfie, you can inspire them
to do great things.
180
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,540
The only way we can pass
the biology exam
181
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,700
is if we cheat. Agreed?
182
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,660
Agreed! Boys and girls,
183
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:51,580
prepare to be transformed
into ruthless cheating machines.
184
00:08:51,780 --> 00:08:53,820
This is your Tour de France
185
00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:56,240
and I am your dodgy Italian doctor
186
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,660
with a suitcase full of blood.
187
00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:02,660
The Sit Behind The Clever Kid method.
188
00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:03,580
Here we go.
189
00:09:03,780 --> 00:09:06,780
One smart kid makes their work
visible for the cheats
190
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,460
slipstreaming either side of them.
191
00:09:08,660 --> 00:09:09,940
Apropos of nothing,
192
00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:12,140
Jing, how big is your handwriting?
193
00:09:14,260 --> 00:09:15,620
The Water Bottle method.
194
00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:17,060
The invigilators are required
195
00:09:17,260 --> 00:09:19,660
to allow you to take a bottle
of water into the exam.
196
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,140
We simply steam the
labels off the bottle,
197
00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:27,020
write the answers on the inside
of them and then stick them back on.
198
00:09:27,220 --> 00:09:28,220
The Plaster method.
199
00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:31,120
Same logic applies.
Answers underneath,
200
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,100
then simply peel back
when necessary.
201
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:35,100
The Tissue method.
202
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,500
We write the answers
on the tissues in this box,
203
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,780
then swap it for the one
in the exam hall.
204
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,980
If you're stuck, all you need
to do is fake a cold.
205
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:46,100
Or have a wa... Fake a cold and the
answers are literally handed to you.
206
00:09:47,260 --> 00:09:48,540
The Wheelchair method.
207
00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:50,780
All you need to get through this
is a false bottom.
208
00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:53,940
Is that what your mum told you when
she sent you to boarding school?
209
00:09:54,140 --> 00:09:56,780
I meant in his wheelchair.
It's an old shoplifter's trick.
210
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,700
What?
211
00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:06,580
The Tapping method. Perfect
for multiple choice questions.
212
00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:10,460
I merely tap out the number
of the question that I'm stuck on.
213
00:10:10,660 --> 00:10:12,900
And then whoever has the answer,
taps it out back to me.
214
00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:16,460
Memento method.
215
00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:18,700
Write down answers
on parts of your body
216
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:20,680
that are concealed by your uniform.
217
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,660
The more body space, the better!
218
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:23,980
Get in!
219
00:10:24,180 --> 00:10:26,820
And, for my final trick,
the Smartphone!
220
00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:28,300
They get confiscated, you fool!
221
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:31,100
Oh, my God, how am I going to
retweet all my little monsters?
222
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:33,860
Never fear, because
I will be handing in a dummy phone,
223
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:37,740
leaving me free to use my toilet
breaks to consult my actual phone,
224
00:10:37,940 --> 00:10:41,260
which I have sneakily planted in a
designated toilet cubicle
225
00:10:41,460 --> 00:10:42,460
before the exam.
226
00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:45,220
While you're in there, you can
give your mum a bell.
227
00:10:45,420 --> 00:10:47,860
Her number's still
on the toilet wall.
228
00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:49,196
My number's up there too, Sir.
229
00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:51,300
You know, phone a
friend with benefits.
230
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:54,380
Yeah, as opposed to my dad,
who has a friend on benefits.
231
00:10:55,980 --> 00:10:58,420
Is that it then?
Can we get back to revising now?
232
00:10:58,620 --> 00:10:59,300
Not quite.
233
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,320
If all else fails,
I have a trusted third party
234
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,140
waiting to receive an
all-clear text message.
235
00:11:05,340 --> 00:11:07,940
If that text doesn't come through,
they will call the school,
236
00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:09,436
claiming to be from the hospital,
237
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,620
saying that my grandmother has
been in a terrible accident.
238
00:11:12,820 --> 00:11:15,460
Whole exam rendered null and void.
239
00:11:15,660 --> 00:11:18,380
But, Sir, who would tell
such a horrific lie?
240
00:11:18,580 --> 00:11:21,580
Oi, oi, Dickers! Sounds like your
bollocks have finally dropped.
241
00:11:21,780 --> 00:11:24,020
Right, I only get one call a day,
so this better be good.
242
00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:35,100
Martin? Ssh,
243
00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:37,060
I've just got Coco off to sleep.
244
00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:40,620
I'm babysitting while Catherine
redecorates Coco's boudoir.
245
00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:44,180
She wants it to be a surprise.
Martin, are you 100% happy?
246
00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:45,820
Please don't wake her up!
247
00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:49,060
She wouldn't stop barking. I had
to slip a little whisky in her milk.
248
00:11:51,060 --> 00:11:53,860
Oh, God, don't tell me she's making
you wear that as a breast?
249
00:11:57,260 --> 00:11:58,260
See you in there.
250
00:11:58,420 --> 00:12:00,540
Oh, I'm not invigilating the exam.
251
00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:01,900
What? But you have to!
252
00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:04,980
When you invigilate it's so much
easier to cheat...
253
00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:07,780
expectations and exceed academically.
254
00:12:09,260 --> 00:12:10,940
Remember when you sent me that clip
255
00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:13,420
of a geriatric man
singing with his genitals?
256
00:12:13,620 --> 00:12:15,900
And remember how
I accidentally broadcast it
257
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:17,220
to an exam full of children?
258
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:20,300
Best prank ever! Yeah, well, since
then, they've been a bit weird
259
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:21,620
about me invigilating exams.
260
00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:24,540
But fear not, my replacement is
the best in the business,
261
00:12:24,740 --> 00:12:26,060
the legendary Mr Hewston.
262
00:12:27,460 --> 00:12:29,900
You do know Maurice Hewston?
Never heard of him.
263
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:33,060
Maurice is the most ruthless,
ball-breaking cheat buster
264
00:12:33,260 --> 00:12:36,380
ever to have removed a child's
nipples with a shatterproof ruler.
265
00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:38,080
The man is an arsehole!
266
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:39,580
Shit! Legend has it,
267
00:12:39,780 --> 00:12:42,780
as a youth, the boy Maurice got
caught cheating on an O Level.
268
00:12:42,980 --> 00:12:44,420
He was sentenced by a kangaroo court
269
00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:47,180
of disaffected rural Latin teachers
dressed as crows,
270
00:12:47,380 --> 00:12:48,740
to suffer the ultimate punishment.
271
00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:51,420
What happened?
They cut out his tongue.
272
00:12:51,620 --> 00:12:53,300
Jesus Christ! Good luck!
273
00:12:56,740 --> 00:12:59,900
I'm going to smash this exam, yeah.
274
00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:08,500
Alfie, I'm really proud of you.
275
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:12,180
The kids look so confident.
Whatever you did has done the trick.
276
00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:14,460
Well, you know,
it's like you always say,
277
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:16,740
nothing beats honest
to goodness hard work.
278
00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:20,940
Alfie, not really appropriate.
279
00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:23,340
Just a little good luck hug.
280
00:13:23,540 --> 00:13:25,420
Well, OK. There we are.
281
00:13:25,620 --> 00:13:27,220
There you go.
282
00:13:27,420 --> 00:13:28,420
Ah!
283
00:13:29,340 --> 00:13:32,060
Good luck, kids. Good luck, Alf.
284
00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:37,680
Alfie, I'm scared!
What if we get caught?
285
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,690
Don't worry, mate.
You're going to nail it.
286
00:13:39,890 --> 00:13:41,700
You'll get your grades,
I'll keep my job.
287
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,700
Rosie'll be impressed, take me back.
288
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:45,700
It's literally the perfect crime.
289
00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:55,700
Hewston!
290
00:14:16,380 --> 00:14:18,420
Bad luck, babes! Oh, shit, man!
291
00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:19,620
Oh, this guy's good.
292
00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:45,820
Oh, for fu...
293
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:51,620
Time for Plan B.
294
00:14:56,420 --> 00:14:58,540
By the way, er...
295
00:14:58,740 --> 00:15:01,060
thanks for telling my mum
that I ain't a bad bloke.
296
00:15:02,220 --> 00:15:04,580
Oh, that's no problem.
297
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:08,660
I mean, it don't mean you
and your dad ain't pricks, yeah,
298
00:15:08,860 --> 00:15:09,860
but I owe you one.
299
00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:12,500
Thanks.
300
00:22:26,460 --> 00:22:27,580
Hello, Abbey Grove.
301
00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:29,940
This is a message
from Watford General Hospital.
302
00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:06,100
'This is a message
from Watford General Hospital.
303
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:10,060
'We've checked all the scans, all the x-rays.
We've even borrowed the Hubble Telescope,
304
00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:13,220
'but we still can't find your cock.'
305
00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:29,780
So hot...
306
00:23:38,620 --> 00:23:40,340
Have some water.
307
00:23:40,540 --> 00:23:42,860
What happened? You fainted.
308
00:23:43,060 --> 00:23:46,340
I asked Mr Hewston if that meant
you got special consideration.
309
00:23:46,540 --> 00:23:47,980
He just spat on the floor,
310
00:23:48,180 --> 00:23:49,620
which I took to mean no.
311
00:23:54,460 --> 00:23:56,380
How did you do?
312
00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:59,660
That bad? Worse!
I've lost my job, Joe.
313
00:24:04,260 --> 00:24:05,660
The papers!
314
00:24:05,860 --> 00:24:06,860
What about them?
315
00:24:06,980 --> 00:24:08,900
Distract Hewston.
I'll sneak them out.
316
00:24:15,620 --> 00:24:17,880
Hey, I just wanted to say,
317
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:19,710
well played. Good game.
318
00:24:19,910 --> 00:24:21,540
Want to swap shirts?
319
00:24:23,260 --> 00:24:24,260
Just a joke.
320
00:24:24,300 --> 00:24:28,620
Anyway, I understand why
you're such... an arsehole.
321
00:24:29,860 --> 00:24:33,860
I mean, God knows I'd be like that
if a teacher had cut out my tongue.
322
00:24:34,060 --> 00:24:35,760
What the hell you talking about?
323
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,660
Why would anyone cut out my tongue?
324
00:24:37,860 --> 00:24:40,260
Oh!
325
00:24:40,460 --> 00:24:42,300
That's why you don't speak.
326
00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:43,500
I beg your pardon?
327
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:45,940
Goodbye.
328
00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:51,100
Where are the papers?
329
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:54,180
I had a better idea. I swapped
your cover page with Jing's.
330
00:24:54,380 --> 00:24:56,580
What? Think about it.
All week she's been saying how
331
00:24:56,780 --> 00:24:59,780
she wants her parents to love her
for who she is and not her grades.
332
00:24:59,980 --> 00:25:02,060
This way, everyone wins.
I dunno, Joe.
333
00:25:02,260 --> 00:25:05,300
All right, Bum and Bummer.
Fraser wants ya.
334
00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:08,500
You're missing the skip party.
335
00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:16,620
Where's Jing? I need to talk to her.
336
00:25:16,820 --> 00:25:17,860
She's over by the skip.
337
00:25:18,060 --> 00:25:19,900
We're going to get more
books, Sir. Cool.
338
00:25:20,100 --> 00:25:21,380
Grab some shit from my desk too.
339
00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:35,060
Jing?
340
00:25:35,260 --> 00:25:37,980
Look, there's something
I'm feeling terrible about,
341
00:25:38,180 --> 00:25:40,380
though, technically it's Joe's fault.
342
00:25:40,580 --> 00:25:42,580
Cheers, Sir.
You know the way you said
343
00:25:42,780 --> 00:25:45,620
you didn't really want to get an
A star in your GCSE?
344
00:25:45,820 --> 00:25:47,100
What if I told you
345
00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:50,020
that you're definitely not
going to get an A star?
346
00:25:50,220 --> 00:25:51,740
I'd say, "I know."
347
00:25:51,940 --> 00:25:53,820
And that I'm delighted about it.
348
00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:56,460
Well, that's worked out
rather well, then.
349
00:25:56,660 --> 00:25:58,780
That's why I torpedoed my exam.
350
00:25:58,980 --> 00:25:59,740
Sorry, what?
351
00:25:59,940 --> 00:26:03,980
I wrote the worst paper you have
ever seen, literally un-gradable.
352
00:26:04,180 --> 00:26:06,680
It's offensively stupid! I mean...
353
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,380
I could be sent
to some kind of home.
354
00:26:09,580 --> 00:26:11,380
Well, isn't that just...
355
00:26:11,580 --> 00:26:12,700
terrific?
356
00:26:14,300 --> 00:26:15,300
Kill me!
357
00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:18,520
Oi, My Little Pony,
say goodbye to your satchel.
358
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,900
That ain't mine, darling.
Pink is so noughties.
359
00:26:22,100 --> 00:26:23,260
Alfred, have you seen Coco?
360
00:26:23,460 --> 00:26:25,980
Pink travel bag,
I left it on your desk.
361
00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:30,860
Ah! Where's baby Coco?
I bought her some pressies.
362
00:26:31,060 --> 00:26:34,500
Dad, what I think may have just
happened, in the long term,
363
00:26:34,700 --> 00:26:36,860
might be for the best. Short term?
364
00:26:37,060 --> 00:26:37,820
Run!
365
00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:41,220
Martin, where's my baby?
I told you not to leave her alone!
366
00:26:41,420 --> 00:26:43,140
I... I'll look in the car.
367
00:26:43,340 --> 00:26:46,500
Jing, I can't read Mandarin,
are these fireworks?
368
00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:47,740
No, they're not, actually.
369
00:26:47,900 --> 00:26:50,340
Oh, thank God, I thought you'd
gone completely insane.
370
00:26:50,540 --> 00:26:51,540
They're military flares.
371
00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:53,660
Highly explosive,
potentially blinding,
372
00:26:53,860 --> 00:26:55,100
containing lead, arsenic and...
373
00:26:55,220 --> 00:26:57,580
Oh, God and the box is empty.
Fraser?
374
00:26:57,780 --> 00:26:58,860
The nice pirate in Shanghai
375
00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:02,100
said they'd make a real fire dragon
come alive in the sky. Oh, shizzle!
376
00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:04,540
Children, get back from the skip!
377
00:27:04,740 --> 00:27:08,580
Just cover your eyes, kids. I may
have made a slight miscalculation.
378
00:27:09,900 --> 00:27:12,380
Frank, what are you doing? Plan C!
379
00:27:15,140 --> 00:27:16,180
Is that...?
380
00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:25,700
Open the door, Martin.
Tell me what you did to Coco.
381
00:27:25,900 --> 00:27:27,240
I didn't do anything to her.
382
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:28,780
Then where is she, Martin?
383
00:27:30,100 --> 00:27:32,820
Oh, you don't need to be afraid,
384
00:27:33,020 --> 00:27:36,740
so long as you let me
into the fucking car!
385
00:27:40,220 --> 00:27:42,040
Coco!
386
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:44,060
Martin!
29974
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