subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Bad Education S03E03 Sports Day 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-RCVR

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:09,576 So, I sacked the PE teacher again. 2 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:13,321 After last year's dead heat at the sports day, I told him 3 00:00:13,394 --> 00:00:14,782 to install camera technology. 4 00:00:14,858 --> 00:00:19,425 Sadly he misunderstood the phrase "photo finish". A line was crossed. 5 00:00:19,426 --> 00:00:23,322 Anyhoos, this year's sports day is but upon us and... 6 00:00:23,337 --> 00:00:25,249 No way, never going to happen, not doing it. 7 00:00:25,288 --> 00:00:28,264 Calm down, dear, it's not you. 8 00:00:28,265 --> 00:00:31,485 Now, don't overreact but it's time to meet Abbey Grove's new PE 9 00:00:31,492 --> 00:00:35,444 teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis. 10 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,431 Hush, hush, moffie, 11 00:00:47,432 --> 00:00:50,504 Daddy's bought you some white chocolate from his trip to prison. 12 00:01:21,444 --> 00:01:23,527 You can't employ him, he's a psychopath! 13 00:01:23,528 --> 00:01:29,144 Here, chummy, I hold my hand up, yah, I make mistakes but I've changed. 14 00:01:29,244 --> 00:01:31,068 He attacked me with a riot baton. 15 00:01:31,113 --> 00:01:32,793 That's Preet's way of saying, "I love you," 16 00:01:32,818 --> 00:01:35,630 and I've got a couple of broken ribs to prove it. 17 00:01:35,631 --> 00:01:36,698 Plus he's very cheap. 18 00:01:36,699 --> 00:01:38,630 There! 19 00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:41,203 TIA. Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker. 20 00:01:41,277 --> 00:01:44,273 You still smoking the bars, yeah? No, I'm messing, scappy. 21 00:01:44,473 --> 00:01:45,276 Urgh! Ow! 22 00:01:45,277 --> 00:01:47,073 Classic Preet! 23 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:51,236 Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted you and, yes, that may have 24 00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:55,201 resulted in a teeny prison stretch, but he's had extensive anger 25 00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:58,257 management, art therapy. You couldn't meet a more stable guy. 26 00:01:58,457 --> 00:01:59,533 Boo! 27 00:01:59,550 --> 00:02:01,177 That therapy's worked a treat. 28 00:02:01,277 --> 00:02:04,280 Yeah, I watched that movie, Mandela. I only laughed once. 29 00:02:04,281 --> 00:02:05,897 Well, maybe. 30 00:02:05,955 --> 00:02:07,991 Oh, when he gets sentenced, his face. 31 00:02:08,999 --> 00:02:09,827 Priceless. 32 00:02:10,027 --> 00:02:11,983 Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job, 33 00:02:11,984 --> 00:02:14,978 it turns out my gym doesn't employ anyone with a criminal record. 34 00:02:14,979 --> 00:02:15,827 Neither do schools! 35 00:02:16,027 --> 00:02:19,954 Not this school. I believe everyone deserves a second chance. 36 00:02:19,955 --> 00:02:21,966 Who wants to celebrate with some khat? 37 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:25,031 It's like bay leaf, only it's also an amphetamine. 38 00:02:26,047 --> 00:02:28,955 Everyone deserves a third chance. 39 00:02:37,043 --> 00:02:39,970 Right, sports day, you know the drill. 40 00:02:39,971 --> 00:02:42,002 Sir draws our events out of a hat. That way 41 00:02:42,003 --> 00:02:43,958 the humiliation's at random. 42 00:02:43,959 --> 00:02:47,974 OK. Andre, egg-and-spoon race. Raj, 800 metres. 43 00:02:47,975 --> 00:02:49,971 Rem Dogg... 44 00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:52,982 ..wheelbarrow race. 45 00:02:52,983 --> 00:02:55,950 Boom! Third year in a row. 46 00:02:55,951 --> 00:02:59,014 What a convenient coincidence. Stephen... sack race. 47 00:02:59,015 --> 00:03:02,986 I am not wearing a sack in public. Please let me customise it, sir. 48 00:03:02,987 --> 00:03:05,950 Fine, whatever. Er, Chantelle, three-legged race. 49 00:03:05,951 --> 00:03:07,958 You know all about that, tripod. 50 00:03:07,959 --> 00:03:09,014 Cleo. 51 00:03:09,015 --> 00:03:11,042 I ain't doing no bait sports day. 100-metre dash. 52 00:03:11,043 --> 00:03:13,950 What, cos I'm black you think I can sprint? 53 00:03:13,951 --> 00:03:15,962 What? No, it's all random. 54 00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:19,994 Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put a bargain bucket on the finishing line? Oh, God! 55 00:03:19,995 --> 00:03:22,978 Oh, sorry, ain't there a bobsleigh team? 56 00:03:22,979 --> 00:03:24,970 You can sit this one out. Correct! 57 00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:27,966 I'm out, too. I'm covering sports day for the school's newspaper. 58 00:03:27,967 --> 00:03:29,966 Did you guys read my latest edition? 59 00:03:29,967 --> 00:03:32,026 It's just a bit dry, babe. 60 00:03:32,027 --> 00:03:34,026 Dry but very absorbent. 61 00:03:34,027 --> 00:03:37,970 You need to give the readers what they want - sex, scandal and Kimye. 62 00:03:37,971 --> 00:03:40,014 You want a scandal. I heard Melanie Chubb, right, 63 00:03:40,015 --> 00:03:43,002 went to the toilet and accidentally wiped her fanny with her dress! 64 00:03:43,003 --> 00:03:46,022 OMG, drams give me dates! God help me. 65 00:03:46,023 --> 00:03:48,990 We're all in the gutter, Jing, but some of us 66 00:03:48,991 --> 00:03:52,030 are looking up the miniskirts of the stars! 67 00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,003 Alfie, can I have a quick word? 68 00:03:56,019 --> 00:03:58,970 Look, I just wanted to tell you something 69 00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:01,091 because I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else. 70 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:04,998 You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you? You're in love with him, you're going to get married! 71 00:04:04,999 --> 00:04:07,962 I just wanted to tell you that Richard's coming to sports day. 72 00:04:07,963 --> 00:04:10,962 Why? What event's he doing? The race to get his affairs in order? 73 00:04:10,963 --> 00:04:13,990 St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid and Richard volunteers for them. 74 00:04:13,991 --> 00:04:17,014 Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps being brought home in an ambulance! 75 00:04:17,015 --> 00:04:20,006 He's saying your boyfriend's a scrotum-faced old buttfucker! 76 00:04:20,007 --> 00:04:21,962 Would you please stop doing that? 77 00:04:21,963 --> 00:04:24,002 For the last time, Richard is not my boyfriend! 78 00:04:24,003 --> 00:04:26,958 That man is a coiled serpent waiting to spring. 79 00:04:26,959 --> 00:04:30,994 The little prawn prince doesn't want this cock-frocking junkie at sports day. 80 00:04:30,995 --> 00:04:33,970 But never fear, for I'm trained in first aid, too. 81 00:04:33,971 --> 00:04:36,026 Stand Richard down, Preet's got it covered. 82 00:04:36,027 --> 00:04:40,043 Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank out of a warden's neck. 83 00:04:41,995 --> 00:04:44,975 Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A. 84 00:04:47,043 --> 00:04:50,966 Hey, I thought you were sticking it to stick it in the bokkie. 85 00:04:50,967 --> 00:04:51,986 We're on a break. 86 00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:55,954 Oh. Fuck the fuck. Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh? 87 00:04:55,955 --> 00:04:58,026 Maybe tonight we should hit up a few Stellenbraus. 88 00:04:58,027 --> 00:05:00,974 Lock and load, go on the hunt for cooch. 89 00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,967 Yeah, never going to happen. 90 00:05:05,995 --> 00:05:07,042 Oh! 91 00:05:07,043 --> 00:05:09,042 Why are you wet? 92 00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:12,954 I don't fit in my locker anymore so Grayson lubed me. 93 00:05:12,955 --> 00:05:15,950 Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to squeeze into something small. 94 00:05:15,951 --> 00:05:18,591 Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know what lubricant is. I was in there 95 00:05:18,616 --> 00:05:20,990 for an hour. Thank God I keep it well stocked with snacks. 96 00:05:20,991 --> 00:05:22,191 That may be why you don't fit. 97 00:05:22,216 --> 00:05:25,978 Grayson will keep giving you shit till you slap him down. Girlfriend's got a point. 98 00:05:25,979 --> 00:05:27,982 Don't ever call me "girlfriend" again. Noted! 99 00:05:27,983 --> 00:05:30,998 You should use sports day to put him in his place. This is your chance to 100 00:05:30,999 --> 00:05:33,970 take Grayson down in front of the whole school. Everyone loves 101 00:05:33,971 --> 00:05:36,010 an underdog. I can picture the headlines. 102 00:05:36,011 --> 00:05:37,962 Jing's right. 103 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,966 This is your perfect chance to beat Grayson at... the hurdles! 104 00:05:40,967 --> 00:05:42,034 Maybe not. 105 00:05:42,035 --> 00:05:43,958 Kill me. 106 00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:44,982 Hash-tag light bulb. 107 00:05:44,983 --> 00:05:48,026 That old guy that tried to attach on to Miss G is going to sports day, right? 108 00:05:48,027 --> 00:05:51,030 Why don't you challenge him? Show Miss G what she's missing. 109 00:05:51,031 --> 00:05:52,974 That is a brilliant idea. 110 00:05:52,975 --> 00:05:55,375 Challenge him at what? You're even slower and weaker than me. 111 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,982 Isn't it obvious? Good old-fashioned dance-off. 112 00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:00,010 I can bust a few moves out of my hip-hop locker. 113 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,994 Your hip-hop moves are about this far from a race crime. 114 00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:04,970 What you talking about? 115 00:06:04,971 --> 00:06:07,018 # I ain't saying she a gold digger 116 00:06:07,019 --> 00:06:09,959 ♪ but I ain't messing with no bro... ♪ 117 00:06:10,159 --> 00:06:12,022 Man of Afro-Caribbean origin. 118 00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:16,954 What about a teacher and parent race? Perfect! 119 00:06:16,955 --> 00:06:19,006 Well, I guess we'll have to hit the gym. 120 00:06:19,007 --> 00:06:20,998 We? Well, I can't do this on my own. 121 00:06:20,999 --> 00:06:25,034 Look, guys, I know historically we've never done well at sports day but this is the last one ever. 122 00:06:25,035 --> 00:06:29,995 Wouldn't it be great, just once, to taste the sweet nectar of glory? 123 00:06:32,995 --> 00:06:34,982 You know how this plays out. 124 00:06:34,983 --> 00:06:36,063 OK, I'll buy you a Nando's. 125 00:06:38,003 --> 00:06:40,014 Three, two... 126 00:06:40,015 --> 00:06:42,006 Preet! 127 00:06:42,007 --> 00:06:44,958 Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson. 128 00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:47,030 I'm breaking these little bokkie tots in gently. 129 00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:50,039 What are you playing? It, stuck in the mud? Hunger Games. 130 00:06:52,039 --> 00:06:56,014 Cool! Um, look, you used to be a personal trainer, right? 131 00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:58,010 Yeah, until the gym fired me. 132 00:06:58,011 --> 00:07:00,962 They didn't like me trying to segregate customers. 133 00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,203 Actually, I'm with you on that. 134 00:07:02,228 --> 00:07:04,974 I way prefer gyms where the men's and women's bits separate, 135 00:07:04,975 --> 00:07:06,030 less intimidating, eh? 136 00:07:06,031 --> 00:07:07,970 I didn't divide them by gender. 137 00:07:07,971 --> 00:07:09,018 Right. 138 00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:11,966 Um, look, I need you to put me 139 00:07:11,967 --> 00:07:14,006 and my class on a crash course before sports day. 140 00:07:14,007 --> 00:07:15,954 Ha! 141 00:07:15,955 --> 00:07:17,026 But you're just a child. 142 00:07:17,027 --> 00:07:19,966 I could smell your mother's milk on your breath. 143 00:07:19,967 --> 00:07:22,007 You're not ready to spar with Preet van der Plessis. 144 00:07:22,032 --> 00:07:24,996 I don't want to fight you, I just want some training. 145 00:07:27,971 --> 00:07:30,990 If you place yourself in my hands, I will push you to the 146 00:07:30,991 --> 00:07:33,038 limits of human endurance. 147 00:07:33,039 --> 00:07:36,986 I will take you to a world of pain that can change a man for ever. 148 00:07:36,987 --> 00:07:39,026 Put the fire of Africa in your yum-yums! 149 00:07:39,027 --> 00:07:43,026 So ask yourself one question, moffie, are you ready 150 00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:45,014 for the Preet heat? 151 00:07:45,015 --> 00:07:50,951 Yeah. Could you, er, un-cup me now? 152 00:07:52,955 --> 00:07:54,031 Ah! 153 00:08:00,035 --> 00:08:05,022 Body's a temple, time to sacrifice some carbs to the Bud-god. 154 00:08:05,023 --> 00:08:08,014 Bird's got to keep that cracking little toosh in trim, eh? 155 00:08:08,015 --> 00:08:10,994 Bit much. Protein shake, anyone? 156 00:08:10,995 --> 00:08:12,030 What flavour? 157 00:08:12,031 --> 00:08:13,998 Banana! 158 00:08:13,999 --> 00:08:16,966 Hey, try mine, it's got shavings of real ivory, 159 00:08:16,967 --> 00:08:19,030 gives you purchase balls. 160 00:08:19,031 --> 00:08:20,986 No, thank you. 161 00:08:20,987 --> 00:08:22,998 Why are you drinking a protein shake? 162 00:08:22,999 --> 00:08:26,954 Getting ready for the parents and teachers race at sports day. 163 00:08:26,955 --> 00:08:29,974 Er, one question - can I do it in my fun-run fancy dress? OK. Yes! 164 00:08:29,975 --> 00:08:35,958 Anyone can enter - parents, teachers, medics, young, old, basically dead. 165 00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:39,986 Oh! I can invite Richard. How do I get in contact with someone like him? 166 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:42,010 Morse code, pigeon... seance? 167 00:08:42,011 --> 00:08:44,994 You know what, I'm sure he'll jump at the opportunity. 168 00:08:44,995 --> 00:08:47,038 Please, probably hasn't jumped since Hammer Time. 169 00:08:47,039 --> 00:08:49,026 Hey, can't touch this. 170 00:08:49,027 --> 00:08:50,030 Skeletal. 171 00:08:50,031 --> 00:08:54,978 Oh, and just so you know, Richard used to sprint for his university. 172 00:08:54,979 --> 00:08:58,966 Babe, you have no idea how quick I am over the finish line. 173 00:08:58,967 --> 00:09:00,034 Oh, I think I do. 174 00:09:00,035 --> 00:09:03,014 Alf, could you really beat Richard? 175 00:09:03,015 --> 00:09:05,030 Well, she said that he was a sprinter, 176 00:09:05,031 --> 00:09:08,022 so let's make it an endurance event. 177 00:09:08,023 --> 00:09:10,998 You got it, Wikus, I'll design it myself. 178 00:09:10,999 --> 00:09:13,018 I'll call it "the Master Race". 179 00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,002 We probably won't. 180 00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:16,962 The old gang back together, eh? 181 00:09:16,963 --> 00:09:18,982 The boys, the lads, the lady-killers. 182 00:09:18,983 --> 00:09:21,951 Never proven. Come, moffie, I wish to make you sweat. 183 00:09:28,015 --> 00:09:30,006 Right, I've found a brown leather 184 00:09:30,007 --> 00:09:33,030 Moby clutch on net-a-porter.com. At a push it works with the sackcloth. 185 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,998 Have you read the newspaper yet? I can't believe it! 186 00:09:35,999 --> 00:09:38,974 Steroids. Jing, is this for real? 187 00:09:38,975 --> 00:09:41,018 Yep, someone at the school's been taking steroids. 188 00:09:41,019 --> 00:09:43,986 We'll be publishing exclusives all week. 189 00:09:43,987 --> 00:09:45,958 Maybe I should get some steroids. 190 00:09:45,959 --> 00:09:48,030 Joe, you don't need steroids, Preet's training us. 191 00:09:48,031 --> 00:09:51,014 Uh! I can't believe they let that psycho back in 'ere. 192 00:09:51,015 --> 00:09:52,046 He's not a psycho. 193 00:09:52,047 --> 00:09:57,010 Preet's had something called "art therapy", it's really mellowed him. 194 00:09:57,011 --> 00:09:59,990 Listen up, you scrawny, pimple-necked, 195 00:09:59,991 --> 00:10:01,991 cat-wracking pieces of shit! 196 00:10:02,995 --> 00:10:04,038 Preet? 197 00:10:04,039 --> 00:10:06,994 Sorry. 198 00:10:06,995 --> 00:10:10,043 ♪ Hi-de-hi, kinderbok, I'm Uncle Preet. ♪ 199 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,030 He's scary when he's being nice. 200 00:10:12,031 --> 00:10:14,007 On your feet. 201 00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:26,982 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Non-regulation socks. 202 00:10:26,983 --> 00:10:29,038 So, I don't have white socks, big deal! 203 00:10:29,039 --> 00:10:32,018 Do you know what happens when you mix whites and coloureds? 204 00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:34,010 It ruins your wash? 205 00:10:34,011 --> 00:10:35,962 Society crumbles! 206 00:10:35,963 --> 00:10:40,022 Er, this is all I had. You have broken the ancient code of physical education, you know the punishment! 207 00:10:40,023 --> 00:10:42,038 Can I remind you I am a teacher? 208 00:10:42,039 --> 00:10:44,023 Do you want me to train you or not? 209 00:10:46,967 --> 00:10:48,018 Yes. 210 00:10:48,019 --> 00:10:49,967 Let's dance. 211 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:11,987 Whoa! 212 00:11:14,031 --> 00:11:15,971 Yah! 213 00:11:16,995 --> 00:11:19,015 Whoa! 214 00:11:25,039 --> 00:11:26,047 Whoa! 215 00:11:31,043 --> 00:11:34,950 Urgh! Oh! 216 00:11:34,951 --> 00:11:38,034 I'll never beat Grayson, he hurdles for the school team. 217 00:11:38,035 --> 00:11:40,998 Joe, you've got an Olympic record. 218 00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:44,034 I'm the fastest under-18 to finish the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast. 219 00:11:44,035 --> 00:11:47,002 That's part of the problem, not the solution. 220 00:11:47,003 --> 00:11:48,954 Bullshit. 221 00:11:48,955 --> 00:11:50,966 Joe, you have got the hunger. 222 00:11:50,967 --> 00:11:53,954 When you see a barrier, you don't stop, you power on through. 223 00:11:53,955 --> 00:11:56,962 Great, but aren't I supposed to be jumping over the barriers? 224 00:11:56,963 --> 00:11:58,966 What are you doing? 225 00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:00,047 Oh, just er, fixing up this 226 00:12:00,072 --> 00:12:03,042 bad boy so I can teach and burn at the same time. 227 00:12:03,043 --> 00:12:05,998 Alfie, I know you're hurting, but losing to 228 00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:09,002 Richard in front of everyone is only going to make things worse. 229 00:12:09,003 --> 00:12:11,034 Huh, me lose to Richard? Please. 230 00:12:11,035 --> 00:12:13,990 Name one thing he's got that I haven't? 231 00:12:13,991 --> 00:12:16,950 Sensitivity, maturity, charm. 232 00:12:16,951 --> 00:12:18,962 Yeah, but I said one thing, not three. 233 00:12:18,963 --> 00:12:21,954 And, anyway, at least I'm biodegradable. 234 00:12:21,955 --> 00:12:25,034 Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going to be decomposing any time soon. 235 00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:29,974 Now, if you'd kindly vamoose from the artist's studio, 236 00:12:29,975 --> 00:12:32,982 I have got a body to sculpt. 237 00:12:32,983 --> 00:12:34,975 Ow! 238 00:12:35,979 --> 00:12:37,986 See you later, Michelangelo. 239 00:12:37,987 --> 00:12:41,007 I think I've broken me coccyx. 240 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:05,970 If you have a thirst for the crease, you can always 241 00:13:05,971 --> 00:13:09,046 play for my village team. I bet you can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh? 242 00:13:09,047 --> 00:13:11,950 Have you been talking to my ex-wife? 243 00:13:11,951 --> 00:13:13,011 Which one? 244 00:13:14,959 --> 00:13:16,046 Ah, smoocher, come perch. 245 00:13:16,047 --> 00:13:20,950 We were just chin-wagging about the pick and pock of leather on willow. 246 00:13:20,951 --> 00:13:23,006 Sorry, I don't speak Last Of The Summer Wine. 247 00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:24,087 We share a love of cricket. 248 00:13:24,112 --> 00:13:28,046 Rosie informs me that my presence is requested at the adults' race. 249 00:13:28,047 --> 00:13:31,038 Yeah, Richard and you better bring your A-game, mate. 250 00:13:31,039 --> 00:13:34,006 Absolutely, but in the words of the Greek philosopher, 251 00:13:34,007 --> 00:13:37,022 Epictetus, it is not the winning but the taking part which counts. 252 00:13:37,023 --> 00:13:41,002 Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers, I hope your silly little ambulance 253 00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:44,951 has got room for both your assholes, cos I'm going to tear you a new one. 254 00:13:46,007 --> 00:13:49,998 Brilliant. A new asshole, I, must remember that one for bridge club. 255 00:13:49,999 --> 00:13:53,011 You play bridge as well? Which discipline? Rubber. 256 00:13:54,979 --> 00:13:58,026 Next you'll be telling me you go to Bang Bang's Massage Parlour 257 00:13:58,027 --> 00:13:59,982 in Tring with the nice Thai ladies. 258 00:13:59,983 --> 00:14:01,954 No, no, I... Right, you, here. 259 00:14:01,955 --> 00:14:04,030 What the hell was all that about? 260 00:14:04,031 --> 00:14:06,958 Why are you being so friendly with Richard? 261 00:14:06,959 --> 00:14:08,199 Richard, what's wrong with him? 262 00:14:08,224 --> 00:14:12,950 What, you mean other than the fact that he's trying to shag my girlfriend? Yes. 263 00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:15,014 # What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster? 264 00:14:15,015 --> 00:14:16,967 ♪ Is it a monster? ♪ 265 00:14:18,039 --> 00:14:19,982 Jesus Christ! 266 00:14:19,983 --> 00:14:21,006 Great costume, chap. 267 00:14:21,007 --> 00:14:25,026 And I like yours, too, weird, old, random bus conductor man. 268 00:14:25,027 --> 00:14:28,002 Oh, God, sorry, I haven't introduced you. 269 00:14:28,003 --> 00:14:31,046 Fraser, this is my... A privilege to finally meet your father. 270 00:14:31,047 --> 00:14:33,994 Rosie talks about her old man non-stop. 271 00:14:33,995 --> 00:14:35,046 No, Fraser, this... 272 00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:37,034 But where's Mrs Gulliver? Preet! 273 00:14:37,035 --> 00:14:39,022 Come and meet Rosie's dad! 274 00:14:39,023 --> 00:14:42,982 Hello there, you old fat fecker. Stukkie's a very confident lady. 275 00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,014 We were a little... belt-shy, bro? 276 00:14:45,015 --> 00:14:47,970 Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater. 277 00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:53,019 This is Richard, my... friend! 278 00:15:00,035 --> 00:15:03,954 Did I tell you I'm entering the mothers' sack race? 279 00:15:03,955 --> 00:15:05,990 Oh, not this joke. Every year. 280 00:15:05,991 --> 00:15:08,047 Got to get one of those hot mammas into the sack. 281 00:15:10,019 --> 00:15:13,031 Come, I have a surprise for you. 282 00:15:18,983 --> 00:15:22,974 Right, Preet, when I said obstacles I meant, like, a few hurdles. 283 00:15:22,975 --> 00:15:25,034 The most brutal obstacle course known to man. 284 00:15:25,035 --> 00:15:28,010 And I've got a truckload of attack dogs coming, too. 285 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,014 Attack dogs? 286 00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:33,990 And how do you plan to control a pack of attack dogs with children? 287 00:15:33,991 --> 00:15:37,022 You've got a tranquiliser gun. Of course you do. 288 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:40,998 Um, is, is that legal? It's a grey area. 289 00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:44,026 Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old goat will faint just 290 00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:45,998 looking at this. 291 00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:48,982 Or my name's not Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, 292 00:15:48,983 --> 00:15:52,950 Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche, Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis. 293 00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:55,018 Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to test his endurance 294 00:15:55,019 --> 00:15:56,998 but this could actually kill me. 295 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,990 As I told my cell mate the night I tattooed his back with biro ink 296 00:15:59,991 --> 00:16:04,014 and a red hot needle, pain is temporary, glory is for ever. 297 00:16:04,015 --> 00:16:06,978 TIA, bro. This is Africa! 298 00:16:06,979 --> 00:16:09,999 TIT, this is Tring. 299 00:16:13,955 --> 00:16:15,014 On your marks! 300 00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:16,962 Go on, Chantelle! 301 00:16:16,963 --> 00:16:19,954 Get set! Right, if you help me win this I'll let you touch me tit. 302 00:16:19,955 --> 00:16:21,031 Go! 303 00:16:34,011 --> 00:16:36,994 On your marks, get set... 304 00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:38,039 Go! 305 00:16:57,967 --> 00:16:59,031 Go, Stephen! 306 00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:05,954 Shit, that boy can work it. 307 00:17:05,955 --> 00:17:08,027 Yeah, I suspect he may be disqualified. 308 00:17:11,983 --> 00:17:13,046 Shamazing! 309 00:17:13,047 --> 00:17:15,986 Joe! 310 00:17:15,987 --> 00:17:18,962 There you are, buddy. 311 00:17:18,963 --> 00:17:21,994 Come on, it's time for the hurdles. I don't want to do it. 312 00:17:21,995 --> 00:17:24,994 I'll never beat Grayson, this was a stupid idea. 313 00:17:24,995 --> 00:17:28,958 But the Olympic breakfast. Forget the breakfast, Alfie. 314 00:17:28,959 --> 00:17:32,034 Joe, remember what I said? When you hit a barrier, you don't stop, 315 00:17:32,035 --> 00:17:34,006 you power on through. 316 00:17:34,007 --> 00:17:36,950 That's how you're going to beat Grayson. That... 317 00:17:36,951 --> 00:17:38,958 and by making sure you run in lane three. 318 00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:40,002 I don't get it. 319 00:17:40,003 --> 00:17:41,046 Just trust me. 320 00:17:41,047 --> 00:17:45,035 Shut your eyes and run like the time you got the shits on the Cutty Sark. 321 00:17:49,995 --> 00:17:53,955 "To Joe, good luck, Grayson." 322 00:17:56,959 --> 00:17:58,015 Get down! 323 00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:08,982 All right, Shrek? 324 00:18:08,983 --> 00:18:12,023 Smile for the camera, this shit's going on Roo Tube. 325 00:18:15,047 --> 00:18:18,950 He looks... angry. 326 00:18:18,951 --> 00:18:22,027 On your marks, get set, go! 327 00:18:32,995 --> 00:18:35,974 I think I know who's been taking them steroids in. 328 00:18:35,975 --> 00:18:39,007 Joe's not on steroids. I weakened his hurdles. 329 00:18:51,031 --> 00:18:55,010 Joe! You can stop now! 330 00:18:55,011 --> 00:18:57,018 He'll tire himself out. 331 00:18:57,019 --> 00:18:59,027 Eventually. 332 00:19:00,971 --> 00:19:02,003 Joe! 333 00:19:05,983 --> 00:19:07,970 Ladies and gentlemen, 334 00:19:07,971 --> 00:19:10,958 the parent-and-teacher race will commence in ten minutes. 335 00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:12,002 Thanky-doodle-do. 336 00:19:12,003 --> 00:19:13,986 Good luck, mate, going to need it. 337 00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,994 Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain. 338 00:19:15,995 --> 00:19:19,982 Remember I have a secret weapon, consilium. 339 00:19:19,983 --> 00:19:21,046 What the hell is that? 340 00:19:21,047 --> 00:19:23,023 You'll find out. 341 00:19:28,035 --> 00:19:30,038 He said it to my face, Jing. 342 00:19:30,039 --> 00:19:33,006 He's got a secret weapon that's going to help him win. 343 00:19:33,007 --> 00:19:35,010 Yeah, but what's consilium? 344 00:19:35,011 --> 00:19:37,026 Um, what does it sound like? A drug. 345 00:19:37,027 --> 00:19:39,006 Now where's his bag? 346 00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:40,986 I'm not sure about this, sir. 347 00:19:40,987 --> 00:19:43,034 Your steroid story, he's the cheat! 348 00:19:43,035 --> 00:19:46,038 It all makes sense, a medic with access to drugs. 349 00:19:46,039 --> 00:19:49,026 That's why Rosie's so confident he's going to win, 350 00:19:49,027 --> 00:19:51,018 she knows he's on this consilium. 351 00:19:51,019 --> 00:19:53,954 Ah! 352 00:19:53,955 --> 00:19:56,115 Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts the colour of weak tea, 353 00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:58,026 this is Richard's bag. 354 00:19:58,027 --> 00:20:00,958 Sir, the steroid story's not entirely true. 355 00:20:00,959 --> 00:20:03,966 Bingo! The roidy bastard! 356 00:20:03,967 --> 00:20:06,970 But how? I made the story up. 357 00:20:06,971 --> 00:20:11,010 You lied in print and you want to become a journalist. Jing. 358 00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:12,982 Well. 359 00:20:12,983 --> 00:20:15,974 Now you've got all the evidence you need, take him down. 360 00:20:15,975 --> 00:20:17,954 But what about you? 361 00:20:17,955 --> 00:20:19,958 You won't beat him if he's on steroids. 362 00:20:19,959 --> 00:20:20,999 If you can't beat 'em... 363 00:20:25,003 --> 00:20:29,978 Now, go, Jing, and remember, the truth and nothing but the truth. 364 00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:33,975 Although, obviously, don't mention that I took the steroids as well. 365 00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:52,982 Naughty moffie, caught with your hand in the Biltong jar! 366 00:20:52,983 --> 00:20:54,042 Preet, what the hell? 367 00:20:54,043 --> 00:20:58,022 If Pistorius taught me one thing, it's shit with the door open. 368 00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:00,994 Right, I'm just... Oh, God. 369 00:21:00,995 --> 00:21:04,026 Don't worry, moffie, your secret's safe with me. 370 00:21:04,027 --> 00:21:07,002 Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos I wasn't actually doing anything. 371 00:21:07,003 --> 00:21:09,982 Two men share a secret, it binds them together, 372 00:21:09,983 --> 00:21:12,031 entwining them into one beating heart. 373 00:21:14,999 --> 00:21:16,978 You going to have a wipe of that? 374 00:21:16,979 --> 00:21:20,974 First month in prison, I hated you for what you did to me. 375 00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:23,026 To be fair, you attacked me. 376 00:21:23,027 --> 00:21:26,026 Every night I dreamt of turning your jib-jabs into drills. 377 00:21:26,027 --> 00:21:27,998 A bit close. 378 00:21:27,999 --> 00:21:30,047 But then I began my course of art therapy. 379 00:21:32,971 --> 00:21:34,954 Would you like to see my sketches? 380 00:21:34,955 --> 00:21:36,031 Not really. 381 00:21:40,995 --> 00:21:43,995 Oh, look, it's me. 382 00:21:45,987 --> 00:21:48,015 Oh, Jesus Christ! 383 00:21:49,955 --> 00:21:52,038 Oh, you have been busy. 384 00:21:52,039 --> 00:21:54,990 Feel free to stop at any... 385 00:21:54,991 --> 00:21:58,047 Ooh! So much detail. 386 00:21:59,999 --> 00:22:03,970 Oh, my God, don't know where I end and you begin. 387 00:22:03,971 --> 00:22:08,002 Slowly I discovered there is only one thing stronger than hate. 388 00:22:08,003 --> 00:22:09,982 Please don't say "love". 389 00:22:09,983 --> 00:22:11,958 Tattoos. 390 00:22:11,959 --> 00:22:13,010 Me again! 391 00:22:13,011 --> 00:22:16,046 My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through an entire khat bush to numb the pain. 392 00:22:16,047 --> 00:22:20,042 Yeah, why has your cell-mate got my face tattooed onto his back? 393 00:22:20,043 --> 00:22:25,014 OK, I've just worked that one out for myself. 394 00:22:25,015 --> 00:22:30,954 Preet, um, I like you but I don't "like you" like you. 395 00:22:30,955 --> 00:22:35,046 Do you know what happens when you break a lion's heart? 396 00:22:35,047 --> 00:22:38,995 Does it go to live with a warthog and a meerkat? 397 00:22:40,043 --> 00:22:43,006 I will devour you, moffie, as sure as my name is 398 00:22:43,007 --> 00:22:46,046 Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, Goosen... 399 00:22:46,047 --> 00:22:48,002 Er, got it. 400 00:22:48,003 --> 00:22:50,015 Alfie, it's time. 401 00:22:52,043 --> 00:22:54,038 I'll just tiptoe out. 402 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,950 No, wait for me! 403 00:22:56,951 --> 00:22:57,971 Moffie! 404 00:23:00,983 --> 00:23:02,046 Good luck. 405 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:03,990 Carpe diem. 406 00:23:03,991 --> 00:23:06,042 Pfft, you're going to need more than luck, mate, 407 00:23:06,043 --> 00:23:09,950 now I've got my hands on some of your precious consilium. 408 00:23:09,951 --> 00:23:11,022 Yeah, that's right sucker. 409 00:23:11,023 --> 00:23:12,974 So you are a classicist? 410 00:23:12,975 --> 00:23:14,970 What are you talking about? 411 00:23:14,971 --> 00:23:17,994 Consilium, Latin for wisdom. My secret weapon, old boy. 412 00:23:17,995 --> 00:23:19,954 Yeah, pull the other one, Farage. 413 00:23:19,955 --> 00:23:21,962 I'm talking about these. 414 00:23:21,963 --> 00:23:23,958 And don't you worry. 415 00:23:23,959 --> 00:23:25,239 I've levelled the playing field. 416 00:23:25,264 --> 00:23:26,958 Oh, crikey, yes, er... 417 00:23:26,959 --> 00:23:28,954 It's all very embarrassing. 418 00:23:28,955 --> 00:23:31,958 Yes, well, you see, at my age, er, one, one sometimes, er, 419 00:23:31,959 --> 00:23:34,954 not always, but sometimes one, one feels the need for, er, 420 00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:39,010 a little help in, in the, in the bedroom department. 421 00:23:39,011 --> 00:23:40,994 What are you banging on about? 422 00:23:40,995 --> 00:23:42,982 Viagra. 423 00:23:42,983 --> 00:23:44,014 What? 424 00:23:44,015 --> 00:23:45,998 Viagra. Viagra?! 425 00:23:45,999 --> 00:23:47,954 Sh! Yes. 426 00:23:47,955 --> 00:23:50,030 Wait, sorry, why would you need Viagra? 427 00:23:50,031 --> 00:23:52,978 Well, Rosie and I are... 428 00:23:52,979 --> 00:23:54,994 Friends! 429 00:23:54,995 --> 00:23:57,018 Yes, but plan for success, prepare for failure. 430 00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:59,974 Rosie and I might become friends with benefits. 431 00:23:59,975 --> 00:24:01,018 Ugh! 432 00:24:01,019 --> 00:24:03,962 Ugh, for using the phrase "friends with benefits". 433 00:24:03,963 --> 00:24:07,010 Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust and trying to shag my girlfriend, 434 00:24:07,011 --> 00:24:09,022 you... shit. 435 00:24:09,023 --> 00:24:12,974 Come on, Richard, you can do it! 436 00:24:12,975 --> 00:24:14,962 Shut up, Dad! 437 00:24:14,963 --> 00:24:17,018 Wait, how long do those things take to kick in? 438 00:24:17,019 --> 00:24:19,002 Well, it depends how many you took. 439 00:24:19,003 --> 00:24:20,974 Round it down to about five. 440 00:24:20,975 --> 00:24:23,978 Yeah, you've got er, six, maybe seven minutes before things 441 00:24:23,979 --> 00:24:26,966 start bursting through your shorts like the Kraken. 442 00:24:26,967 --> 00:24:28,022 Shit! 443 00:24:28,023 --> 00:24:29,982 Preet, start the race! 444 00:24:29,983 --> 00:24:32,014 I have got to give a quick health and safety check. 445 00:24:32,015 --> 00:24:35,967 Preet, start the race! I love it when you're brusque with me, moffie. 446 00:24:41,011 --> 00:24:43,990 Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast since he found me 447 00:24:43,991 --> 00:24:46,111 lying on his desk wearing nothing but a sushi platter. 448 00:24:46,136 --> 00:24:49,136 Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts. 449 00:24:50,999 --> 00:24:53,027 Granny in a thong. 450 00:24:55,047 --> 00:24:57,011 Adrian Chiles' banter. 451 00:25:00,963 --> 00:25:02,083 Eric Pickles on the shitter. 452 00:25:06,019 --> 00:25:09,019 Ian Beale crying. 453 00:25:15,019 --> 00:25:16,982 Come on, Alfie! 454 00:25:16,983 --> 00:25:19,950 Please not on the monkey bars. 455 00:25:19,951 --> 00:25:21,959 God, no, not on the monkey bars. 456 00:25:28,983 --> 00:25:30,971 Come on, Richard! 457 00:25:32,983 --> 00:25:35,967 Feel blood heading south. 458 00:25:37,031 --> 00:25:39,007 Come on, Alfie! 459 00:25:41,971 --> 00:25:43,031 What's he doing? 460 00:25:45,995 --> 00:25:49,038 Maybe you've got to commando crawl the last bit. 461 00:25:49,039 --> 00:25:51,971 Is he wearing a little plough? 462 00:25:54,967 --> 00:25:56,983 I can't watch, Richard's going to catch him. 463 00:25:59,015 --> 00:26:01,046 Oh, no, you don't, old goat. 464 00:26:01,047 --> 00:26:03,967 Moffie shall go to the ball. 465 00:26:10,003 --> 00:26:11,998 Steady. 466 00:26:11,999 --> 00:26:13,038 He's got a gun, get down! 467 00:26:13,039 --> 00:26:15,031 Ooh! 468 00:26:16,995 --> 00:26:19,971 Oh! 469 00:26:25,039 --> 00:26:28,022 He's not breathing. I'll have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 470 00:26:28,023 --> 00:26:29,971 Oh! 471 00:26:33,995 --> 00:26:35,986 I can't feel my legs. 472 00:26:35,987 --> 00:26:37,998 Uh! 473 00:26:37,999 --> 00:26:41,018 Teach me everything you know. 474 00:26:41,019 --> 00:26:43,026 Alfie, why have you...? 475 00:26:43,027 --> 00:26:45,950 Before everyone thinks I'm a massive weirdo. 476 00:26:45,951 --> 00:26:47,006 A bit late for that, bro. 477 00:26:47,007 --> 00:26:50,046 I cheated, OK? Or at least I tried to cheat. 478 00:26:50,047 --> 00:26:53,014 I thought Richard was on steroids cos I found these blue 479 00:26:53,015 --> 00:26:55,978 pills in his bag but they weren't steroids, they were Viagra. 480 00:26:55,979 --> 00:26:57,022 Don't stress. 481 00:26:57,023 --> 00:26:59,954 Viagra? Why, why does Richard have...? 482 00:26:59,955 --> 00:27:01,990 Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, it's not what you... 483 00:27:01,991 --> 00:27:06,030 I would hate for you to presume that er, that, but, but, but... 484 00:27:06,031 --> 00:27:08,027 but, well, plan to succeed. 485 00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:12,026 Rosie, I did... 486 00:27:12,027 --> 00:27:15,010 If you say, "I told you so," you'll get one of those as well. 487 00:27:15,011 --> 00:27:19,006 Excuse me, please. Rosie, no, no, no, Rosie, wait, please. 488 00:27:19,007 --> 00:27:20,038 Yeah, I win! 489 00:27:20,039 --> 00:27:21,827 Do you, though? Really? 490 00:27:22,027 --> 00:27:25,022 Could someone maybe cover that up? 491 00:27:25,023 --> 00:27:27,974 Moffie, I'll write! 492 00:27:27,975 --> 00:27:29,876 I won't reply! 493 00:27:30,076 --> 00:27:31,978 Ugh, yeah, ugh! 494 00:27:31,979 --> 00:27:34,027 Suppose we better get a new PE teacher, then. 495 00:27:41,975 --> 00:27:45,967 Good news, sir, I got the photo finish of the race, you won! 496 00:27:46,167 --> 00:27:48,966 Yes! I rule! 497 00:27:48,967 --> 00:27:51,026 You won by a head. 498 00:27:51,027 --> 00:27:54,019 It's the most popular edition in the school's history. 499 00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:56,994 You saved the paper, sir! Everyone's reading it. 500 00:27:56,995 --> 00:27:59,773 Oh, great! 38946