Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,980 --> 00:00:04,300
Lock and load, bitches.
2
00:00:04,340 --> 00:00:07,020
It's Class Wars!
3
00:00:07,060 --> 00:00:10,780
Mitchell, Rem Dogg, corridor. You're
the advancing German army.
4
00:00:10,820 --> 00:00:13,780
Right, it's the 27th May, 1940.
5
00:00:13,820 --> 00:00:16,180
Thousands of British troops
have been stranded
6
00:00:16,220 --> 00:00:18,020
on the beaches of Dunkirk.
7
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:20,140
French beach?
Is it one of those topless ones?
8
00:00:20,180 --> 00:00:23,580
No, Chantelle. Keep your
clothes on, and prepare for battle!
9
00:00:32,540 --> 00:00:36,740
Hey, gang, I'm Mr Schwimer.
10
00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:38,940
Er, where did you come from?
11
00:00:38,980 --> 00:00:42,180
All the way from Harvard University,
sunshine state of California,
12
00:00:42,220 --> 00:00:44,180
reporting for duty, sir!
13
00:00:44,220 --> 00:00:46,260
Yeah, we're doing Dunkirk.
14
00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:48,620
Which means you're about
four years too early, mate.
15
00:00:48,660 --> 00:00:51,340
You're doing humour.
I love British humour.
16
00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:53,500
Corgies with me majesty, m'lud?
17
00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:55,060
Please can I have another crumpet!
18
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:57,620
All right, settle down,
everybody. Take a seat.
19
00:00:57,660 --> 00:00:59,700
Is he fucking mental?
20
00:00:59,740 --> 00:01:02,580
Oi, Dick Van Dyke.
What the hell are you doing here?
21
00:01:02,620 --> 00:01:04,260
This is my class.
22
00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:07,620
Didn't Miss Pickwell tell you?
I'm here to take over Form K.
23
00:01:07,660 --> 00:01:11,140
Er, no, you're not,
these are my pupils.
24
00:01:11,180 --> 00:01:12,820
Sorry, hombre. Not anymore.
25
00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:18,220
Well, actually, yes, any more... hombre.
I'm in charge around here.
26
00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:21,540
I've got their respect.
I'm like a God to them.
27
00:01:21,580 --> 00:01:24,140
Sieg heil, Bastian
Schweinsteiger!
28
00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:30,260
What? Dunkirk was at sea.
29
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:05,420
'Welcome to Radio Frase.
The chat quota of LBC, '
30
00:02:05,460 --> 00:02:11,380
but with a host who was loved
as a child. Avengers, Assemble-y!
31
00:02:11,420 --> 00:02:15,100
Last one there gets a
detention, unless it's Rem Dogg.
32
00:02:15,140 --> 00:02:19,180
First announcement
on the new Tannoy, check.
33
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:21,300
Felt weird without any
trousers on.
34
00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:25,020
Note to self - fake tan
and white slacks don't mix...
35
00:02:25,060 --> 00:02:27,180
The Tannoy's still on, isn't it?
36
00:02:28,780 --> 00:02:31,860
'Just to clarify,
I am wearing underpants. '
37
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:33,500
Oh, God!
38
00:02:41,540 --> 00:02:42,780
Have you seen Pickwell?
39
00:02:42,820 --> 00:02:46,060
God, when I see her, I'm going to
give it to her with both barrels.
40
00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:50,140
Dick.
41
00:02:50,180 --> 00:02:51,900
Maybe a change will do you good?
42
00:02:51,940 --> 00:02:54,740
Yeah, you would say that,
cradle snatcher.
43
00:02:54,780 --> 00:02:57,860
Alex is three years younger
than you. We're happy.
44
00:02:57,900 --> 00:02:59,100
Get over it.
45
00:02:59,140 --> 00:03:00,500
Did you have a fun weekend?
46
00:03:00,540 --> 00:03:02,580
We went for a lovely, romantic meal.
47
00:03:02,620 --> 00:03:05,140
A Happy Meal, was it?
What toy did she get?
48
00:03:05,180 --> 00:03:07,260
If anyone's a child here, it's you.
Great.
49
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:10,020
Well, that means you can set
me and Alex up on play dates.
50
00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:12,500
Well, she does have
some very fun toys.
51
00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:14,900
Oh!
52
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:21,060
Hello, willkommen and awooga!
53
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:25,300
Item one. The school's got a couple of
new furry friends. And I'm not
54
00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:29,780
talking about the pair of puppies
Erica Tinkler's recently acquired.
55
00:03:29,820 --> 00:03:33,940
Woof woof!
♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪
56
00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:38,780
Um, puberty let the dogs out.
57
00:03:38,820 --> 00:03:41,900
It's normal for your bodies
to change and grow.
58
00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:44,620
In fact, the other day,
I thought I found a lump.
59
00:03:44,660 --> 00:03:46,060
Don't worry, nothing cancerous,
60
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:50,260
turns out it was just a knot of dead
skin in the old pork purse.
61
00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:52,860
Rats. We've got rats.
62
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:56,540
Rats are really just big black mice,
like Rastamouse.
63
00:03:56,580 --> 00:03:58,380
So, don't be scared of them,
64
00:03:58,420 --> 00:04:02,940
and please, please, please
don't tell your parents.
65
00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:07,820
Item two. The PE teacher has quit to
become a tree surgeon. I know!
66
00:04:07,860 --> 00:04:10,300
Email from his lawyer
saying something about
67
00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,820
operations on a yew tree.
Good luck to the guy.
68
00:04:12,860 --> 00:04:16,300
Luckily, we've got a new signing, who's
going to be taking over
69
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:18,940
the school's worst performing
class, Special K...
70
00:04:18,980 --> 00:04:21,100
um, Form K.
71
00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:27,700
As the Archbishop of Banterbury, I
hereby ordain thee, Brother Schwimer.
72
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,500
Explosion, shrapnel.
73
00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:39,980
That handshake is the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
74
00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:44,140
So, a little about me.
75
00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:46,700
I just got back from Malawi,
Africa,
76
00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:50,380
where I was helping the victims of a
savage civil war.
77
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:53,340
But I am sure as heck pretty
darn excited to be here now
78
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:56,140
in Watford, United Kingdom.
79
00:04:58,060 --> 00:05:00,780
OK, so I'm going
to be teaching history,
80
00:05:00,820 --> 00:05:02,580
and helping out with the gym class.
81
00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:06,620
So I guess you're wondering what
qualifies this guy to teach gym?
82
00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:07,700
Yes.
83
00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:11,220
Well, I did make a brief
appearance at the Olympics
84
00:05:11,260 --> 00:05:14,860
here in London, England,
on Team USA.
85
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,220
Whoo!
86
00:05:16,260 --> 00:05:17,660
What do you want? A medal?
87
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:20,060
I won gold with the coxless four.
88
00:05:22,020 --> 00:05:25,900
Now I want to give you guys
a taste of the good old US of A.
89
00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:29,220
But I will leave
the school food to you.
90
00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:32,420
I'm not saying my students back home
were chunky or anything,
91
00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:35,220
but I could catch them skipping class on
Google Earth.
92
00:05:37,020 --> 00:05:39,940
Let's hope they keep the gun
culture at home as well, mate.
93
00:05:39,980 --> 00:05:43,860
We all know why they keep their kids
so fat. Bigger targets.
94
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:49,980
High school massacres?
95
00:05:51,140 --> 00:05:52,540
Am I right?
96
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:55,740
Yeah?
97
00:05:55,780 --> 00:05:58,100
Come on - he's yanking your chain.
98
00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,660
Gallows humour.
99
00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:03,380
Throw him in the bloody Tower with
Saint Arthur of the Round Lake.
100
00:06:04,940 --> 00:06:06,220
Classic!
101
00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:11,780
Someone lock this guy up in
Bant-anamo Bay! Hey. Timberlake?
102
00:06:11,820 --> 00:06:13,700
Oh! Who's with me?
103
00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:15,860
I love Justin Timberlake.
104
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,180
Mr Wickers not with you?
105
00:06:22,220 --> 00:06:24,660
Why, do you want him?
106
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:26,340
I don't "want" him.
107
00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:28,940
I just thought he'd be yapping
around your cankles
108
00:06:28,980 --> 00:06:32,980
like some over-excited puppy that needs
a good spade to the genitals.
109
00:06:33,020 --> 00:06:39,540
Just to clarify, because I don't want
you misreading any signals,
110
00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:45,300
it may shock you to learn that
a sexual carnivore like myself
111
00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:49,300
was, for a spell, herbivorous.
112
00:06:49,340 --> 00:06:52,700
Well, I don't understand a word of what
you just said but I'm guessing
113
00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:55,540
it's something to do with the
fact I've got a girlfriend?
114
00:06:55,580 --> 00:06:57,740
I understand your surprise now,
115
00:06:57,780 --> 00:07:02,100
but this velociraptor couldn't wolf down
the caper bush for ever.
116
00:07:02,140 --> 00:07:04,020
Are you trying to flirt with me?
117
00:07:04,060 --> 00:07:08,660
No! No, no, no. Women cannot live
on pitta alone.
118
00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:10,900
I need a little kofte in my kebab.
119
00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:14,660
Well, I'm sure that comes as a relief
to many, many men.
120
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:18,460
I want you to know that I am...
121
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,780
Back on solids.
122
00:07:20,820 --> 00:07:22,540
Phew.
123
00:07:30,780 --> 00:07:32,700
We need to talk about Kevin.
124
00:07:32,740 --> 00:07:35,340
You can talk to me
about anything you want.
125
00:07:35,380 --> 00:07:38,580
My door is so open,
it's off its hinges.
126
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:44,700
Yeah, I get it. Very clever.
127
00:07:44,740 --> 00:07:46,900
Why didn't you tell me
I was losing my class?
128
00:07:46,940 --> 00:07:48,740
After that fire
at the swimming gala,
129
00:07:48,780 --> 00:07:52,300
Pickwell has got my jolly pink
giant by the scruff of its neck.
130
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:53,820
She said either I hire Kevin
131
00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:56,740
or she reports me to various
child welfare agencies,
132
00:07:56,780 --> 00:07:59,820
none of which are mahusive fans
of Super-F.
133
00:07:59,860 --> 00:08:02,580
Well, I don't care
where I have to take this fight -
134
00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:04,220
I'm getting my kids back.
135
00:08:04,260 --> 00:08:07,540
Oh, BT dubs, if you're planning a
Fathers for Justice-style protest,
136
00:08:07,580 --> 00:08:10,340
I've got wide a variety of superhero
costumes you could borrow.
137
00:08:10,380 --> 00:08:12,460
The only one I can't lend you
is the Superman one.
138
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:13,900
Why not?
139
00:08:16,340 --> 00:08:18,180
How long have you been
wearing that?
140
00:08:18,220 --> 00:08:21,740
Every day for four years. In case I need
to save the school bus.
141
00:08:23,740 --> 00:08:26,700
Buttons, buttons...
Where are the buttons?
142
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:38,580
Right, look, you can't just give
my class away.
143
00:08:38,620 --> 00:08:40,660
Can too. Can not.
144
00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:43,100
Can can, can can.
I can do the can can.
145
00:08:43,140 --> 00:08:45,860
Yeah, well, I've spoken to them and
my class want me back.
146
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,420
They would take a bullet for me.
147
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,500
Ha! I find that hard to believe.
148
00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:51,620
What the hell is that?
149
00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:58,620
OK. Right, you are aware this
isn't Hogwarts?
150
00:08:58,660 --> 00:09:02,460
Mr Wickers, meet Rumsfeld.
Rumsfeld, meet Mr Wickers.
151
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,500
Why is there an owl on your arm?
152
00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:06,660
Well, Mr Fraser's attempts
to eradicate the vermin
153
00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,460
have, thus far, been
unsuccessful, so...
154
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:09,900
An owl is the solution?
155
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:13,420
Well, I wanted to use mustard gas, but
some precious Red Tape Susan
156
00:09:13,460 --> 00:09:16,460
said that sulphur-based cytotoxins and
children are incompatible.
157
00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:18,620
Hence, Rumsfeld and I
are hunting rats...
158
00:09:18,660 --> 00:09:21,460
Oh, and there's one
in particular that's so grubby,
159
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:25,460
even turds retch as they glide past him
in the sewer.
160
00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:29,540
OK, well, I assume I'm that rat in that
little pooey analogy of yours.
161
00:09:29,580 --> 00:09:30,940
But let me tell you this, there
is
162
00:09:30,980 --> 00:09:34,100
absolutely no way on Earth that I'm
going to stand by and watch you...
163
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:37,660
Cheep, cheep, cheep. Would you like to
meet your new form now?
164
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:38,900
Fine.
165
00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:44,860
I'm teaching 2J?
166
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:47,460
Putting me in there is like
putting Justin Bieber
167
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:50,020
on the main stage at Reading.
They'll murder me.
168
00:09:50,060 --> 00:09:52,220
Remember - don't look them
in the eye.
169
00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:56,700
Oh, and the smell of urine? They're just
marking their territory.
170
00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:59,300
As I walk through the valley of
the shadow of death...
171
00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:01,820
I take a look at my life
and realise there's nothing left
172
00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:03,460
Cos I've been laughin' and blastin'
173
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:05,980
so long that even my momma
thinks that my mind is gone.
174
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:08,380
I didn't know you were a
Coolio fan!
175
00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:10,020
It's the Bible. Psalm 23.
176
00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:11,860
Whatever. It's definitely Coolio.
177
00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:13,820
It's a tune, though,
I'll give you that.
178
00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:17,620
Oh, I forgot to mention,
they're studying this.
179
00:10:24,060 --> 00:10:25,420
Right.
180
00:10:25,460 --> 00:10:28,180
Listen up, you little bastards.
181
00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:33,180
Before we begin, I want to
make one thing crystal clear.
182
00:10:39,980 --> 00:10:42,940
I could kick the shit out of you
in a fight.
183
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:46,580
And don't think that I wouldn't just
because you're smaller than me
184
00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:48,540
and some of you are little girls.
185
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:53,500
Any questions? No. Thought not.
186
00:10:53,540 --> 00:10:56,660
Beowulf, chapter one.
187
00:10:56,700 --> 00:11:01,780
In hildy-fildy pildy harque-wun
pur-pon diddly dee di
188
00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:03,580
diddle-um dee didly dom...
189
00:11:08,740 --> 00:11:10,820
Six minutes, 17 seconds.
190
00:11:10,860 --> 00:11:12,420
They're monsters! They're 11.
191
00:11:12,460 --> 00:11:15,180
Just think of it as babysitting.
I'm not a babysitter.
192
00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:17,260
No, of course you're not.
They are babysitting you.
193
00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:20,340
I see visions of me dead.
Lord, are you there?
194
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,340
The Bible? Tupac.
195
00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:23,620
No, please!
196
00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:37,220
A little orphan looked up at
me and said...
197
00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:39,060
Nicola Berti's been stabbed!
198
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,620
Don't worry, I know first aid.
199
00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:43,180
She's bleeding out by
the school gates. Go, quick!
200
00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:44,940
Go. Go.
201
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:50,260
Okey-dokey, time for a little chat.
202
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:52,980
Is Nicola going to die?
Nicola?
203
00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:56,980
Oh, no, that was just something I said
to get rid of Kevin of Nazareth.
204
00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:59,900
Gullible! So not LOL, sir.
205
00:11:59,940 --> 00:12:01,260
What's that?
206
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,860
Mr Schwimer ran the New York Marathon
for Protect the Rhino.
207
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:06,740
Protect the rhino?
They're basically dinosaurs!
208
00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:09,020
I think they can look after
themselves.
209
00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:13,660
I have been thinking long and hard about
how I'm going to get you back.
210
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,260
I have considered
every possible option -
211
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:19,700
and I'm going to need one of you to say
that Kevin touched you.
212
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:24,020
A little fiddle. Anyone?
213
00:12:25,940 --> 00:12:28,620
Oh, God, you guys are so square!
214
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:30,860
Joe?
215
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:34,060
Your new haircut's given you
a kind of choirboy vibe.
216
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:35,700
They tend to dig that look.
217
00:12:35,740 --> 00:12:36,940
No way.
218
00:12:36,980 --> 00:12:41,740
I just want my class back.
What am I going to do?
219
00:12:41,780 --> 00:12:44,020
Cut and run? Take me to France, sir.
220
00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:48,180
Overnight ferry, shack up in Bordeaux,
let the man-hunt begin.
221
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:49,820
Come and get us, Interpol.
222
00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:51,740
I've got a plan to get rid of him, sir.
223
00:12:51,780 --> 00:12:52,980
Shoot. Right!
224
00:12:53,020 --> 00:12:55,540
We're going to need a van,
some cable ties and an alibi.
225
00:12:55,580 --> 00:12:58,380
Oh! Mitchell, we're not re-enacting your
parents' honeymoon.
226
00:12:58,420 --> 00:13:01,780
We have to get rid of Kevin
somehow. He's such a dick.
227
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:02,900
Isn't he?
228
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:10,460
Well, the thing is, sir, Mr Schwimer's
actually pretty rad.
229
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:13,060
Rad? Who are you?
230
00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:15,580
Look, what has this guy got
that I haven't?
231
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:18,700
Timetables. Abs.
Dress sense. A penis.
232
00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:22,300
Mr Schwimer went to college
with Ashton Kutcher.
233
00:13:23,460 --> 00:13:26,540
So what? Give a shit?
I've got celebrity friends, too.
234
00:13:26,580 --> 00:13:29,820
My friend Atticus Hoye
was on Total Wipeout.
235
00:13:29,860 --> 00:13:32,900
Mr Schwimer's a pro skater,
sir. He invented his own trick.
236
00:13:32,940 --> 00:13:35,220
What else has he done?
Turned water into wine?
237
00:13:35,260 --> 00:13:37,140
He's teetotal.
238
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:40,700
Jesus! As if he couldn't get
any creepier!
239
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:43,460
Kids, if I can teach you
one thing about life,
240
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:45,780
never trust a man
that doesn't drink.
241
00:13:45,820 --> 00:13:47,660
Has Kevin just been
peacocking all morning?
242
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,260
Has he actually taught you anything?
243
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:50,860
The English kings and queens.
244
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:53,220
All of them?
That's impossible.
245
00:13:53,260 --> 00:13:55,780
Five, six, seven, eight...
246
00:13:55,820 --> 00:13:58,940
Willie, Willie, Harry, Stee,
Harry, Dick-John, Harry three,
247
00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:02,340
one two three Neds, Richard two,
Harrys four five, six, then who?
248
00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:05,340
Edwards four-five, Dick the bad, Harrys
seven-eight, Ned the Lad,
249
00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:08,660
Mary, Bessie, James the Vain, Charlie,
Charlie, James again,
250
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:11,940
William Mary, Anna Gloria, Four Georges,
William and Victoria,
251
00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:15,260
Edward seven next, and then
George the fifth in 1910,
252
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:19,020
Ned the eighth soon abdicated then
George the sixth was coronated,
253
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:23,820
and if you've not lost your breath,
give a cheer for Elizabeth.
254
00:14:28,820 --> 00:14:33,060
Meh! When would you actually use that?
255
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:36,100
I teach you
transferable life skills,
256
00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:38,980
like the rap from
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!
257
00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,860
In West Philadelphia,
born and raised...
258
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:44,180
Please, not again.
259
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:45,780
Stop it.
260
00:14:46,860 --> 00:14:48,900
Oh!
261
00:14:48,940 --> 00:14:52,100
Please help me! I hate 2J!
262
00:14:53,140 --> 00:14:56,940
One of them made me...
fellate a Pritt Stick.
263
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,740
My mouth's still gluey.
264
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:03,340
Why don't you seduce Miss Pickwell?
Flirt your way out of it.
265
00:15:03,380 --> 00:15:04,900
You can practise on me, if you like.
266
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,780
Please, Chantelle!
267
00:15:06,820 --> 00:15:09,820
I would have to try
literally everything
268
00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:12,420
before I resorted
to flirting with Pickwell.
269
00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:20,660
Hey, Izz.
You're looking pretty fit today.
270
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:25,420
How do you get that lovely
natural glow to your skin?
271
00:15:25,460 --> 00:15:28,980
Pumice and bleach. What do you want?
272
00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:32,940
Just wanted to ask you a question.
273
00:15:33,980 --> 00:15:35,940
Are you from Tennessee?
274
00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:40,780
Cos you're the only ten-ah-see.
275
00:15:41,820 --> 00:15:46,140
Plans tonight? Me, you, my crib,
276
00:15:46,180 --> 00:15:48,660
turn my onesie into a twosie?
277
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:53,340
Hey, was your dad a thief?
278
00:15:53,380 --> 00:15:56,220
No, he was a butcher
in East Kilbride.
279
00:15:56,260 --> 00:16:01,060
Because he stole the stars
and put them in your eyes.
280
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:04,780
Was your father a surgeon, because he
stole the brain of an ape
281
00:16:04,820 --> 00:16:08,860
and put it into the body
of a hairy little girl.
282
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:13,940
Come, come, Iso-bel,
there's no need to be like that.
283
00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:18,140
Oh, silly me.
284
00:16:29,580 --> 00:16:32,060
30 minutes. Me on top.
285
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,060
Penetrative.
286
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:38,220
Those are my terms, Mr Wickers,
287
00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:41,020
should you wish to screw
your way out of this.
288
00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:42,580
Oh, and biting.
289
00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:46,780
Lots and lots of biting.
290
00:16:55,100 --> 00:17:00,380
♪ Look at me, I just can't believe what
they've done to me
291
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,780
♪ We could never get free
292
00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:05,940
♪ I just wanna be
I just wanna be
293
00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:11,260
♪ Look at me, I just can't believe what
they've done to me
294
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:14,900
♪ We could never get free
I just wanna be
295
00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:18,100
♪ Look at me
296
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:22,180
♪ I just can't believe
297
00:17:25,140 --> 00:17:28,900
♪ I just wanna dream,
dream... ♪
298
00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:31,700
Yo, alpha male!
299
00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:34,340
Hey, you know Kevin DJs?
He's coming round mine later.
300
00:17:34,380 --> 00:17:37,180
I'm gonna play my mash-up of Chaka Khan
and Chaka Demus and Pliers.
301
00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:39,380
It's called Chaka Chaka Demus and Khan.
Are you in?
302
00:17:39,420 --> 00:17:41,380
Oh, God, no, I can't.
303
00:17:41,420 --> 00:17:43,900
I've got to go home tonight and run a
bath to slit my wrists in
304
00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:46,740
because someone gave my class away to
some stupid American
305
00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:50,380
that they've all fallen in love with and
I'm stuck with shitty, horrible 2J.
306
00:17:50,420 --> 00:17:52,060
Why have you got a recorder?
307
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:53,220
Well, I read this article
308
00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:55,700
written by a freelance pest
control expert in Germany.
309
00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:56,860
From what I could gather,
310
00:17:56,900 --> 00:18:00,700
his method for drawing the rats away
from the villagers was this...
311
00:18:03,220 --> 00:18:04,340
The Pied Piper?
312
00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:06,540
Yeah, the Pied Piper!
You know him? Hm!
313
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:11,900
Mitchell, what are you guys doing?
314
00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:15,780
I'm going to get Emo Elliot to lend
Mr Schwimer his skateboard.
315
00:18:15,820 --> 00:18:19,540
Oi, catch the rugger
ball, Jonathan Wilkinson.
316
00:18:22,460 --> 00:18:25,580
Here, surprise, sir. Do us a trick?
317
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:28,940
Er, I can't.
No, I mean, with my knees!
318
00:18:28,980 --> 00:18:31,780
I mean, they're just in super
real bad shape, you know,
319
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,140
after the marathon.
320
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,140
Don't be a pussy, sir!
Yeah, go on, sir!
321
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:37,420
I bet you're amazing at it.
I'll do a trick.
322
00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:40,140
Well, yeah! Yeah,
Mr Wickers will do the trick!
323
00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:42,820
Can you skate?
Tony Hawkes, intermediate.
324
00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:44,540
Gaming don't make you a skater,
you melt.
325
00:18:44,580 --> 00:18:48,180
Rooney plays FIFA, so eat a bag of shit
for breakfast, Mitchell.
326
00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:50,100
Just give me the board, dickhead.
327
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,700
And stand back, kids -
328
00:18:55,740 --> 00:18:58,780
this school's insurance policy
doesn't cover blown minds.
329
00:18:58,820 --> 00:19:01,460
Hash-tag this shit gonna be cray.
330
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:04,100
This shit gonna be
50 shades of cray.
331
00:19:04,140 --> 00:19:07,820
Wick-ers, Wick-ers,
Wick-ers, Wick-ers!
332
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:15,300
Oh! Oh, shit!
333
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:23,900
You OK, buddy?
334
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:27,500
Am I dead?
335
00:19:42,580 --> 00:19:46,740
Oh, Mother Theresa,
where did it all go wrong?
336
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:54,460
Sir?
337
00:19:55,660 --> 00:19:59,460
Oh, hey, Jing, where are the others?
338
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,620
Mr Schwimer's friend
from the British Museum
339
00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:03,260
lent him some weapons and armour.
340
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:06,220
They're all outside doing a Civil War
re-enactment.
341
00:20:06,260 --> 00:20:09,380
Class Wars? Is nothing sacred?
342
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,400
I need to talk to you
about something.
343
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,680
My Dzenga?
Do you remember when
344
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,380
we used this to run through
9/11 conspiracy theories?
345
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:20,216
See? Still
got the FBI dynamite on it.
346
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:24,580
Look! It's all the Jews that
didn't go into work that day.
347
00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:28,118
Take it. Something
to remember me by.
348
00:20:28,519 --> 00:20:31,219
You're not dying.
- Inside I am, Jing.
349
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,480
But it's all right.
I understand.
350
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,240
I have to let you go.
351
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,120
Just promise me this.
352
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,640
Don't ever let that man
patronise you.
353
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:46,040
Look! My suffragette glove puppets!
"Please give me the vote."
354
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:47,920
"Watch out for the horsey!"
355
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:52,240
Listen. Mr Schwimer
isn't who he says he is.
356
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,560
Jing, I get it. I'm shitty old Alfie,
357
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:59,280
he's Mr Perfect Good-Teeth
Junior the Third.
358
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,400
But he isn't perfect!
359
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:06,600
Look at this photo.
Something's not right.
360
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:07,680
Look.
361
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,680
Oh, my god. The jogger behind him
has a semi.
362
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,600
No, Mr Schwimer.
363
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,160
Mr Schwimer's got a semi?
364
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,400
The hand!
365
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:20,920
That's a wedding ring -
and it's a ladies arm.
366
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,400
Mr Schwimer isn't married...
or a lady.
367
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,880
I knew there was something
wrong with him from the start.
368
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:29,000
It's his eyes, right?
Too close together. No!
369
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,240
He said he went
to Harvard, California,
370
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:32,960
but Harvard's in Massachusetts.
371
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,400
And did you see how reluctant
the pro skater was in doing a trick?
372
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,520
Why are you helping me, Jing?
373
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:42,680
Because I love this class. It's just not
the same without you.
374
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:46,840
You're an idiot, but you're also a nice,
kind man.
375
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:51,680
Let's destroy this bastard's life.
376
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,040
It's mash-up time, dedicated to my new
best buddy,
377
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:57,680
two time Superbowl winning
champion Mr Schwimer.
378
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:24,080
And one of my ancestors actually fought
in the Battle of Agincourt.
379
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:25,760
Oi! Kevin.
380
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:26,960
Yo, G.
381
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,480
Mr Wickers to you, mate.
382
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:29,760
It's time you confessed.
383
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,320
Let me see your arms.
384
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,600
My arms?
385
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,560
Oh, mi lud,
stick a shilling up me chuffer!
386
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:39,760
This is another one of your
dry, British irony jokes, right?
387
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:41,800
Stop trying to rape
Mr Schwimer, sir.
388
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,320
Shut up, Mitchell!
389
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,360
Are those your arms?
390
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:47,720
Yes.
391
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,920
They look pretty feminine to me.
392
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,200
I have slim arms.
393
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:55,240
Slim, hairless,
married ladies' arms?
394
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,040
Yes. Oh, funny that,
395
00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:00,440
cos didn't you win a gold medal in
the Olympic rowing, right?
396
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:01,720
Um...
397
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:05,120
The US team won bronze,
and you weren't in it.
398
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,960
I don't even remember saying that.
399
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,640
You're not a pro skater, or a DJ.
400
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,680
Oh, and that horrible war in Malawi.
401
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,080
Don't bring the war into this!
You weren't there, man.
402
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:19,680
No, I wasn't. No-one was. Because
there wasn't a civil war in Malawi.
403
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,400
You're a pathological liar.
404
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,960
So, come on, Kevin, what have you got to
say for yourself?
405
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,000
Spit it out. We're all ears.
406
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:35,760
Sure, I exaggerate a bit.
I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
407
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,920
I just wanted you to like me.
408
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:43,120
Oh, God, a teacher
craving his pupils' approval?
409
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,480
Pathetic. Go on, piss off.
410
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:47,960
So it was all lies?
411
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,320
You never won the Superbowl?
412
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:50,760
You don't know Ashton?
413
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,000
I'll never meet Demi.
414
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,280
It's all fake.
415
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:59,720
The stories, the Harvard education,
this stupid plastic armour.
416
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,880
What? Yeah, these shitty little toy
guns.
417
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,280
Please be careful!
Those are actually antique.
418
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,440
Ooh, my name's Kevin and I've got a
buddy at the British Museum!
419
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,760
Argh!
420
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,720
They were loaded! Are you insane?
421
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,400
They weren't supposed to be fired!
422
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,800
You shot him in the arse!
Brilliant!
423
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,320
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
424
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:25,680
Don't worry, Joe, it's just
a little flesh wound.
425
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,200
HELP! HELP!
426
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,560
Someone go and get help.
Does anyone know first aid?
427
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,040
I do. Really?
428
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:33,880
No. Oh, Jesus!
429
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,040
Sir, you're meant to suck
the bullet out.
430
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:37,840
No, you idiot,
you're meant to piss on it.
431
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,560
That's jellyfish, you tit!
Wait - that is jellyfish, right?
432
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,000
Lie on your front.
433
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:46,480
No. No, Jing, it's fine. I'll do it,
I'm desperate, anyway. No, sir!
434
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,960
Joe, just a quick one.
435
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,520
You know the way your mum's not a
massive fan of mine,
436
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:53,960
if she asks about this -
she might not -
437
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,160
could you maybe tell her that you sat on
the bullet? Argh!
438
00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:00,240
Wrong moment. Help! HELP!
439
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,040
Sir literally gave him
a new arsehole.
440
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,160
Why is no-one coming?
Pass me the other gun!
441
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:05,800
Gonna put him
out of his misery, sir?
442
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,520
No, distress signal. Give it here.
443
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:18,200
Oh, shit. Rumsfeld!
444
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,240
Shit, shit, shit! Please don't be dead,
please don't be dead.
445
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,680
One two, one two.
446
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,360
Come on, Rumsfeld.
Don't fly towards the light.
447
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,760
Pickwell's coming. Oh, no!
448
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,560
Right, if anyone asks,
Kevin fired the guns.
449
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,280
Yup. Sure. Definitely.
That's a lie!
450
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,560
Is it a lie?
Or am I just exaggerating?
451
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:44,280
My baby!
452
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:45,520
I heard gunshots!
453
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:49,120
The man of steel is here
to save the day.
454
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,240
Are you OK, sweetheart?
455
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:54,720
My bum hurts.
456
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:55,960
Not for the first time.
457
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,480
Keep pressure on the wound.
What have you done?
458
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:05,720
It wasn't him, Miss Gulliver.
I fired the gun by mistake.
459
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,840
See, you told me my kids wouldn't take
a bullet for me, but...
460
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,760
Joe's a hero, miss. He threw
his arse in front of the bullet!
461
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,920
Yeah, his bottom was like Kevin Costner
in The Bodyguard.
462
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,080
Forget about the boy!
Rumsfeld!
463
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,520
This man has lied about everything!
464
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,600
Except for the bit about
shooting Joe. I'm a fraud.
465
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,000
But what about my mash-ups?
You said you liked them?
466
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:28,280
I didn't really.
467
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:29,920
You're dead to me.
468
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:33,320
When we confronted him, he freaked out
and turned the gun on Joe.
469
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:35,360
And then he reloaded
to shoot your pigeon.
470
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,960
I have a problem.
I can't help lying.
471
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:41,400
I say one thing
and then it just spirals.
472
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,920
I'm not even
from America. I'm from Birmingham.
473
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,480
Not even Birmingham, actually.
474
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:51,720
Dudley, near Tipton, you know,
off the A4123.
475
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:53,400
Sorry, everyone.
476
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,520
Now I've been honest, can we be buddies?
I've got a jetpack.
477
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:59,560
I flew to France on it,
all the way... Brrrrrr!
478
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,240
D'you want to have a go?
479
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:02,360
I'll have a go.
480
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,680
He's lying again, isn't he?
481
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,320
If you ever set foot
on these premises again,
482
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:12,760
I will personally send you back to
Dudley piece by piece.
483
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,360
Starting with these.
484
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,680
Does this mean
we get Mr Wickers back?
485
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:24,120
I think it does.
486
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:25,960
Yes!
487
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,600
That's right, kids,
Daddy's back for good.
488
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:33,160
And I will never, ever let you get put
in danger again,
489
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,800
because I am here
to protect you children.
490
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:41,560
23rd October, 1942.
The tank battle of El-Alamein.
491
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,280
Rommel, ready?
492
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,560
Monty, ready?
493
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:48,960
Three, two, one!
494
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,000
Oh, fuck!
38838
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
