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1
00:00:02,630 --> 00:00:04,710
Babes, I've missed you so much!
2
00:00:04,750 --> 00:00:06,510
Ah!
3
00:00:06,550 --> 00:00:09,710
Oi, come here!
Give it to me, take it off!
4
00:00:18,390 --> 00:00:23,310
OMG! Leave me alone.
You look like Joan of Arc.
5
00:00:23,350 --> 00:00:26,430
Just out of interest, Friar Tuck.
How are the merry men?
6
00:00:26,470 --> 00:00:29,910
My dad did it. What look was he
going for? A young Ann Widdecombe?
7
00:00:29,950 --> 00:00:32,730
Enough about mushroom head. Guess
what I come back from Malaga with.
8
00:00:32,795 --> 00:00:35,555
Your virginity?
9
00:00:35,595 --> 00:00:37,595
Is it, like, well spiritual and shit?
10
00:00:37,635 --> 00:00:41,515
Nah, it's my Chinese order -
spring rolls, prawn toast, duck.
11
00:00:41,555 --> 00:00:42,755
Did your parents go ape?
12
00:00:42,795 --> 00:00:45,835
I can do what I want, cos they're
getting divorced. It's the nuts!
13
00:00:45,875 --> 00:00:47,795
Which one of them
gets to keep the caravan?
14
00:00:47,835 --> 00:00:50,611
How many times do I have to tell you,
Billy Elliot? It's a static home.
15
00:00:50,635 --> 00:00:53,275
It's got wheels on it. It's a caravan.
16
00:00:53,315 --> 00:00:55,875
That means you're a caravan.
Do they do Big Fat Gypsy Divorce?
17
00:00:55,915 --> 00:00:59,715
Where's Alfie? Probably chipping his
dick out a sock with a toffee hammer.
18
00:01:02,195 --> 00:01:04,715
Right, if anyone laughs,
they're getting expelled.
19
00:01:07,315 --> 00:01:08,515
My dad did it.
20
00:01:47,395 --> 00:01:48,915
What's up, homeboy?
21
00:01:50,635 --> 00:01:52,835
Oi, Little Lord Fondleboy!
22
00:01:52,875 --> 00:01:56,075
Mumford and Sons called.
They want their gay one back.
23
00:01:56,115 --> 00:01:59,155
Very clever, Grayson, but A,
the reason you don't like
24
00:01:59,195 --> 00:02:02,235
Mumford and Sons is cos
you're too young to appreciate
25
00:02:02,275 --> 00:02:04,115
a good dinner party anthem
when you hear one
26
00:02:04,155 --> 00:02:08,315
and B, I've got a girlfriend -
Miss Gulliver.
27
00:02:10,195 --> 00:02:13,275
Did you not get that problem
with your arsehole fixed?
28
00:02:13,315 --> 00:02:14,795
I can hear it talking again.
29
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:17,035
Check her Facebook status, mate.
30
00:02:17,075 --> 00:02:19,315
Changed yesterday,
to "in a relationship".
31
00:02:47,595 --> 00:02:50,515
P-Widdy,
you're looking fit and healthy.
32
00:02:50,555 --> 00:02:52,355
Let me guess -
no carbs before Marbs?
33
00:02:52,395 --> 00:02:54,515
I went on a moose shoot
in British Columbia.
34
00:02:54,555 --> 00:02:56,955
What, and no-one shot you?
Thankfully, no,
35
00:02:56,995 --> 00:02:59,315
which leaves me able
to fetch my gun
36
00:02:59,355 --> 00:03:02,635
and murder whatever monstrosity's
nesting on your head.
37
00:03:02,675 --> 00:03:06,675
Good to see FC Banterlona stayed
fit during the off-season.
38
00:03:06,715 --> 00:03:08,715
And how did you spend
your holidays, Mr Fraser?
39
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:11,315
Trying to master the art
of lacing your own shoes?
40
00:03:11,355 --> 00:03:13,435
Oh, no, still wearing
these bad boys.
41
00:03:13,475 --> 00:03:16,475
Every morning I wake up and thank
God I still have size five feet.
42
00:03:16,515 --> 00:03:19,435
Now, first staff meeting
of the new term
43
00:03:19,475 --> 00:03:21,475
and it's Abbey Grove's
swimming gala this week.
44
00:03:21,515 --> 00:03:24,795
Which means it is the sweepstake.
45
00:03:24,835 --> 00:03:28,395
Ã10 in.
Winning form teacher takes the pot.
46
00:03:31,315 --> 00:03:34,035
Why do we have to be so competitive?
47
00:03:34,075 --> 00:03:36,915
We should be celebrating each
and every child taking part.
48
00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:38,475
Show me the money, woman.
49
00:03:38,515 --> 00:03:41,075
No, I won't,
because I believe very strongly...
50
00:03:41,115 --> 00:03:44,515
Hey, babe. Don't worry,
I got this. Listen, Izzy,
51
00:03:44,555 --> 00:03:47,515
if she says it ain't happenin',
it ain't happenin'.
52
00:03:47,555 --> 00:03:49,115
I've got your back, babe.
53
00:03:49,155 --> 00:03:52,315
Now, light bulb - ding!
54
00:03:52,355 --> 00:03:55,515
We all know how the UK recently
hosted the greatest show on earth.
55
00:03:55,555 --> 00:04:00,715
The Olympics. Close. The Paralympics?
The what?! No, Splash!
56
00:04:00,755 --> 00:04:04,475
I thought we could end the gala with
a synchronised diving competition.
57
00:04:04,515 --> 00:04:08,715
Synchronised diving? My class would
rather take a running jump.
58
00:04:08,755 --> 00:04:12,075
Shame you won't get your grubby
little paws on this money.
59
00:04:12,115 --> 00:04:14,595
Legal bills can be oh-so-ruinous.
60
00:04:14,635 --> 00:04:16,275
Legal bills?
61
00:04:16,315 --> 00:04:19,315
Well, I presume you're not letting
your hairdresser get away with that.
62
00:04:19,355 --> 00:04:21,435
Cheryl Bowl.
Back off the bob, bitch.
63
00:04:21,475 --> 00:04:24,755
And anyway,
I bet you my class win something.
64
00:04:24,795 --> 00:04:27,355
Yap, yap, yap, yap, yappity, yap, yap.
You're on.
65
00:04:27,395 --> 00:04:30,995
Um, sorry, just to clarify,
I didn't mean betting actual money.
66
00:04:31,035 --> 00:04:34,875
Well, if you win a single event,
I'll match the pot.
67
00:04:34,915 --> 00:04:37,115
That's, like, ã200.
68
00:04:37,155 --> 00:04:39,995
Well, you could spend it
on Pokemons.
69
00:04:40,035 --> 00:04:44,755
Why would I spend it on Pokemon,
when I've already caught them all?
70
00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:49,835
More graceful back and forth -
Ballroom Banter with Banton de Beke!
71
00:04:49,875 --> 00:04:50,875
Ten!
72
00:04:57,835 --> 00:05:00,475
Guys, you need to bring your pyjamas
in on Friday.
73
00:05:00,515 --> 00:05:03,195
Are we having a sleep-over?
Can I be the little spoon?
74
00:05:03,235 --> 00:05:06,835
Er, no, we are learning swimming
safety. Why? We live in Watford.
75
00:05:06,875 --> 00:05:08,595
We ain't going to drown in a flood.
76
00:05:08,635 --> 00:05:11,715
Yeah, well, YOU'RE not. That is the
one advantage of living in a caravan.
77
00:05:11,755 --> 00:05:14,115
If there is a flood, you can
just move to higher ground.
78
00:05:14,155 --> 00:05:16,475
Well, at least I don't look like
an Amish rent boy.
79
00:05:16,515 --> 00:05:20,275
Whatever.
Look, we're learning swimming safety
80
00:05:20,315 --> 00:05:22,395
so we can all enter
the swimming gala!
81
00:05:22,435 --> 00:05:24,835
But we never do the gala!
Well, we do now!
82
00:05:24,875 --> 00:05:28,395
And we are going to wipe that
smug look off Pickwell's face
83
00:05:28,435 --> 00:05:31,035
and, in doing so, win me a cash bet.
84
00:05:31,075 --> 00:05:34,835
And you know what that means -
group trip to Nando's on me.
85
00:05:34,875 --> 00:05:37,435
All we have to do is beat
Pickwell at one thing.
86
00:05:37,475 --> 00:05:39,755
And I reckon
we've got a chance this year,
87
00:05:39,795 --> 00:05:42,715
because there is a new event,
synchronised diving.
88
00:05:42,755 --> 00:05:46,435
It's someone's opportunity to become
the next Tom Daley.
89
00:05:46,475 --> 00:05:50,555
Fierce! Count me in. I'll be
like Usher with gills. Hashtag Werk.
90
00:05:50,595 --> 00:05:52,635
I knew I could count on you, Stephen.
91
00:05:52,675 --> 00:05:54,515
Now, you're going to need
to pick a partner.
92
00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:59,875
Unless, of course, anyone wants
to volunteer themselves?
93
00:06:02,035 --> 00:06:07,635
Jing, maybe? You peeps are
notoriously good at the old diving.
94
00:06:07,675 --> 00:06:08,875
You mean Chinese people?
95
00:06:08,915 --> 00:06:12,355
No. I meant people who wear glasses
96
00:06:12,395 --> 00:06:15,555
and are, um, Sagittarius.
97
00:06:15,595 --> 00:06:18,315
Firstly, I'm Virgo. And secondly,
98
00:06:18,355 --> 00:06:21,315
you may think you've disguised your
prejudices, but you don't fool me.
99
00:06:21,355 --> 00:06:24,075
Classic Sagittarius.
100
00:06:24,115 --> 00:06:26,875
I'll do it for a beer at Nando's.
Done!
101
00:06:26,915 --> 00:06:28,315
Now, on a separate issue,
102
00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:32,435
I need to do something rather special
for the old ball and chain.
103
00:06:33,555 --> 00:06:35,955
My girlfriend, Miss Gulliver.
104
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:39,995
We had a little bit of
a lovers' tiff in the staff room
105
00:06:40,035 --> 00:06:41,795
and I want to make things right.
106
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:45,395
I've got a brilliant idea.
I need your help.
107
00:06:49,755 --> 00:06:53,075
Alfie, are you OK? Joe told me
that you'd been to hospital.
108
00:06:54,555 --> 00:06:58,115
Yeah, doctor said someone
had stolen my heart.
109
00:06:58,155 --> 00:07:01,115
You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, now, would you?
110
00:07:01,155 --> 00:07:04,715
Alfie, we're not in a relationship.
111
00:07:04,755 --> 00:07:07,555
Then why did you put it on Facebook?
112
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:12,555
I put that I'm in a relationship.
Which I am. Just not with you.
113
00:07:12,595 --> 00:07:18,515
I don't understand.
What... You... Who is it?
114
00:07:18,555 --> 00:07:21,915
Tell me who he is and I will fight
this tag-nut for your hand.
115
00:07:23,115 --> 00:07:24,155
Alex Scott.
116
00:07:24,195 --> 00:07:26,355
Alex Scott? He sounds shit.
117
00:07:26,395 --> 00:07:28,915
No, Alex Scott. I used to teach HER.
118
00:07:28,955 --> 00:07:32,635
Alfie, I really, really didn't want
to have to tell you like this.
119
00:07:32,675 --> 00:07:38,355
You're going out with Alex Scott?
She's, like, 20 and... hot. Yeah.
120
00:07:38,395 --> 00:07:42,075
And a girl! And, sorry,
more importantly, she's your pupil!
121
00:07:42,115 --> 00:07:45,515
WAS... Years ago.
122
00:07:45,555 --> 00:07:47,035
I don't know what to think!
123
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:51,795
I am angry and aroused and upset.
124
00:07:51,835 --> 00:07:55,395
And mainly aroused. And confused.
125
00:07:55,435 --> 00:07:58,995
I didn't think the idea of lesbians
could make me this miserable.
126
00:07:59,035 --> 00:08:03,395
I just... I like her.
I like Joe, I'm not going to bum him.
127
00:08:03,435 --> 00:08:05,675
This is completely different. Is it?
128
00:08:05,715 --> 00:08:09,035
Sorry, what would you be like
if I was like, "Oh, last night,
129
00:08:09,075 --> 00:08:12,115
"I was helping Joe with his homework
and one thing led to another
130
00:08:12,155 --> 00:08:14,875
"and I just ended up tugging him off
into his Encore Tricolore"?
131
00:08:14,915 --> 00:08:19,555
I'd say, "Why are you teaching him
French?" You know what I mean.
132
00:08:19,595 --> 00:08:22,395
Look, I love you!
133
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:28,795
See all of this - the petals,
the candles, the Michael Buble.
134
00:08:28,835 --> 00:08:31,515
Does anyone really like
Michael Buble?
135
00:08:31,555 --> 00:08:34,115
He's just a shit Michael Ball.
136
00:08:34,155 --> 00:08:40,875
I realise that this is a strange,
highly emotional time for you,
137
00:08:40,915 --> 00:08:45,195
but how dare you take this out
on the Bube-ster?
138
00:08:45,235 --> 00:08:46,755
She didn't mean it, Michael.
139
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:51,435
Please don't go. I'm sorry.
140
00:08:53,195 --> 00:08:55,115
Fine! Bye, then!
141
00:08:55,155 --> 00:08:59,395
I'm off to find one of the boys in my
class to see if he fancies a bumming!
142
00:08:59,435 --> 00:09:00,955
Mr Wickers.
143
00:09:04,715 --> 00:09:06,235
These are the Wilsons.
144
00:09:06,275 --> 00:09:09,475
They were thinking about sending
their child to Abbey Grove.
145
00:09:09,515 --> 00:09:12,235
Shall I show you back
to the car park?
146
00:09:27,515 --> 00:09:30,595
Sir, why haven't you dealt
with that bowl yet?
147
00:09:30,635 --> 00:09:33,755
Right, for the last time
it's not a bowl, it's a man bob.
148
00:09:33,795 --> 00:09:36,635
Not gigi. And the reason that
I haven't been able to deal with it
149
00:09:36,675 --> 00:09:40,035
is cos I've been busy picking up
the pieces of my broken heart.
150
00:09:40,075 --> 00:09:43,275
Ah. Miss Gulliver's no biggie, sir.
Every girl has a minge binge.
151
00:09:43,315 --> 00:09:47,035
Minge! Maybe the reason they become
lesbians after they've got with me
152
00:09:47,075 --> 00:09:50,315
is because they know that it's never
going to get any better -
153
00:09:50,355 --> 00:09:52,795
like when Sir Chris Hoy retired
after London 2012.
154
00:09:52,835 --> 00:09:55,475
Want me to be your guinea pig?
You can kiss me and see if I turn,
155
00:09:55,515 --> 00:09:56,635
like a lesbo Twilight.
156
00:09:56,675 --> 00:09:59,635
Sir, so what if Gulliver's
exploring her boundaries?
157
00:09:59,675 --> 00:10:02,275
Sexuality ain't
a rigid set of definitions.
158
00:10:02,315 --> 00:10:05,795
It's a spectrum and we all fluctuate
between its many polarities.
159
00:10:05,835 --> 00:10:08,155
Plus yat on yat is fit, innit?
160
00:10:08,195 --> 00:10:10,115
And he's back.
161
00:10:10,155 --> 00:10:11,515
Joe's got a choad!
162
00:10:11,555 --> 00:10:13,915
Guys, can you hurry up, please?
163
00:10:13,955 --> 00:10:16,795
Piss off, Savile!
Sir's perving on us.
164
00:10:16,835 --> 00:10:19,995
I'm ready, sir.
Hope the water's warm.
165
00:10:20,035 --> 00:10:23,475
I'm not looking. Chantelle,
I told you to put your pyjamas on.
166
00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:26,275
I sleep naked.
Go and get some clothes on now!
167
00:10:27,515 --> 00:10:32,155
This leisure centre is minging.
Joe, you don't sleep in a duffle coat.
168
00:10:32,195 --> 00:10:36,115
I do when it's cold.
Please don't make me swim, Alfie.
169
00:10:36,155 --> 00:10:39,155
Mate, you should be used to
having wet pyjamas!
170
00:10:43,115 --> 00:10:46,315
Is that my shirt? It's all I could find.
Do you want some breakfast?
171
00:10:46,355 --> 00:10:49,035
Look! It's my XXL conny!
172
00:10:49,075 --> 00:10:51,195
It's a verruca sock. Argh!
173
00:10:51,235 --> 00:10:53,435
Where's the lifeguard?
She'd better be a sort.
174
00:10:53,475 --> 00:10:55,755
Don't worry, mate. They always are.
175
00:11:13,395 --> 00:11:16,555
Oi, Jing. Get your harpoon out.
I've spotted a whale.
176
00:11:16,595 --> 00:11:18,555
Sit down, you grubby little toads!
177
00:11:19,795 --> 00:11:21,275
Hi. I'm Mr Wickers.
178
00:11:21,315 --> 00:11:24,235
You too. I'm the form teacher.
179
00:11:24,275 --> 00:11:30,915
Sit! My name is Joy. Before you
begin, a couple of ground rules.
180
00:11:30,955 --> 00:11:35,195
I don't like children,
but I do like my kit.
181
00:11:35,235 --> 00:11:38,075
And take extra special
care of Thomas.
182
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:42,675
Oh, her dummy's got a name.
Rules. No diving, no bombing,
183
00:11:42,715 --> 00:11:45,795
and no petting -
of the heavy or light persuasion.
184
00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:49,635
What's petting? Why don't you
show us, love? Give us a kiss!
185
00:11:50,875 --> 00:11:55,115
Do you want a faceful of congenital
herpes? Thought not, squirt.
186
00:11:55,155 --> 00:11:56,955
And finally, no running!
187
00:11:56,995 --> 00:12:00,195
We had a lad used to run round,
ended up cracking his head.
188
00:12:00,235 --> 00:12:04,795
He can't run any more. Eats through
a tube and shits in a bag.
189
00:12:06,835 --> 00:12:10,315
I think what Joy is trying to say
is that water can make this surface
190
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,395
very slippery.
191
00:12:11,435 --> 00:12:15,115
Wasn't water.
He tripped on a crutch.
192
00:12:16,915 --> 00:12:21,795
OK, er, back to swimming.
Has anyone got any questions for Joy?
193
00:12:21,835 --> 00:12:24,755
Yeah. Is it true the water changes
colour if you piss in it?
194
00:12:24,795 --> 00:12:28,075
Yeah. It goes yellow.
Tods turn the milk chocolaty.
195
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:30,995
Someone's done a dump in it?
Wasn't my fault, you weasel.
196
00:12:31,035 --> 00:12:34,035
I've got a spastic colon.
Speaking of which...
197
00:12:34,075 --> 00:12:35,155
Ooh.
198
00:12:36,995 --> 00:12:41,435
Sorry. Aren't you going to help me
with this? Nature calls.
199
00:12:41,475 --> 00:12:44,715
That Ginsters Scotch Egg Bar's
tipping the concierge.
200
00:12:44,755 --> 00:12:46,835
Think it wants to check out.
201
00:12:48,515 --> 00:12:49,515
OK.
202
00:12:49,555 --> 00:12:52,715
That was Joy. Charming little thing.
203
00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:56,715
Right, left, left, left,
right. Halt!
204
00:12:58,355 --> 00:13:00,555
Right, resuscitation.
205
00:13:00,595 --> 00:13:03,195
Oi, look, sir, shag of life!
206
00:13:03,235 --> 00:13:05,475
Mitchell, put that down!
207
00:13:05,515 --> 00:13:10,515
Now, Mr Wickers has got it
into his septic tank of a head
208
00:13:10,555 --> 00:13:14,835
that he stands a chance
of competing this year.
209
00:13:14,875 --> 00:13:18,435
Get off! Mitchell, stop it!
210
00:13:18,475 --> 00:13:20,555
Any hole's a goal.
Let's make it airtight.
211
00:13:20,595 --> 00:13:23,355
Mitchell!
Thomas! Get off my husband!
212
00:13:25,835 --> 00:13:29,595
Right, well, I think
we can rest easy.
213
00:13:33,555 --> 00:13:36,115
Stop looking at me.
Cheeky wee bastard.
214
00:13:40,435 --> 00:13:41,915
Ah! Miss G!
215
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,835
I'm very concerned about
the swimming gala, Fraser.
216
00:13:44,875 --> 00:13:48,675
Can I interest you in a lager?
Or a stout?
217
00:13:48,715 --> 00:13:54,635
I tend not to drink before 10.30am.
A selection of guest ales?
218
00:13:54,675 --> 00:13:58,475
Look, Miss Pickwell is insisting
her children starve themselves,
219
00:13:58,515 --> 00:14:01,355
in order to achieve
Olympic-standard body mass.
220
00:14:03,035 --> 00:14:04,235
Darts?
221
00:14:04,275 --> 00:14:07,315
I'm going out with a woman, Fraser.
I'm not a man.
222
00:14:07,355 --> 00:14:11,355
Oh, there it is. I had heard you'd
kissed a girl and you liked it
223
00:14:11,395 --> 00:14:14,995
and that's totes coolio on so many
levels. Kind of explains why
224
00:14:15,035 --> 00:14:17,835
you've never really wanted
a slice of the Fray Bantos pie.
225
00:14:17,875 --> 00:14:20,475
Mm-hm...
Yup, hit the nail on the head.
226
00:14:20,515 --> 00:14:24,875
Yup, so now that "us" is off the
table, we can let it all hang out.
227
00:14:24,915 --> 00:14:28,515
Oh, wow. Oh, new Speedos
tend to have very little give.
228
00:14:28,555 --> 00:14:30,955
I'm just breaking in
the gusset for later.
229
00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:33,115
Look, this is a point of principle,
Fraser.
230
00:14:33,155 --> 00:14:36,395
Either you excuse my class
from competing
231
00:14:36,435 --> 00:14:39,555
or we will take part
in a non-violent protest at the gala.
232
00:14:39,595 --> 00:14:42,475
I thought you'd be more into
this swimming lark now. Why?
233
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,355
Clare Balding?
234
00:14:48,515 --> 00:14:50,395
Argh. Motherfunkster.
235
00:14:53,635 --> 00:14:56,475
Oi, numbnuts.
Why are you wearing goggles?
236
00:14:56,515 --> 00:14:58,755
Er, because I have a severe
chlorine allergy.
237
00:14:58,795 --> 00:15:01,075
I don't want to get any splashback
from this bad boy.
238
00:15:01,115 --> 00:15:04,435
Wait, you've got webbed feet,
but you can't actually swim?
239
00:15:04,475 --> 00:15:07,115
I know, Jing.
God can be a cruel mistress.
240
00:15:07,155 --> 00:15:09,555
It's like giving the Pope a big willy.
241
00:15:09,595 --> 00:15:13,315
Right, I am going to throw this
plastic brick into the pool
242
00:15:13,355 --> 00:15:16,715
and then each of you
is going to take turns to dive in,
243
00:15:16,755 --> 00:15:19,195
collect it
and then swim it back to shore.
244
00:15:19,235 --> 00:15:20,515
What is this preparing us for?
245
00:15:20,555 --> 00:15:22,795
You know, Jing,
learning is a lot easier
246
00:15:22,835 --> 00:15:24,435
if you don't ask any questions.
247
00:15:24,475 --> 00:15:29,915
OK, so who's going to go first?
Joe, want to get it out the way?
248
00:15:29,955 --> 00:15:33,235
I will.
All right, Stephen, you're up.
249
00:15:33,275 --> 00:15:36,475
Oi-oi! Argh! Mitchell!
250
00:15:38,435 --> 00:15:41,675
Mitchell! Stop splashing me!
I'm allergic.
251
00:15:41,715 --> 00:15:44,395
I need to throw the brick in first.
Get out of the pool!
252
00:15:44,435 --> 00:15:45,515
Come on, throw it.
253
00:15:45,555 --> 00:15:49,235
If you aim at me head, it ain't going to
go anywhere near me. Mitchell, get out!
254
00:15:49,275 --> 00:15:52,595
Or what, you'll come and get me,
goggle rash? Throw it, you melt.
255
00:15:52,635 --> 00:15:54,035
Fine!
256
00:15:57,555 --> 00:15:58,915
Oh, shit!
257
00:15:58,955 --> 00:16:02,755
Sir, help him!
I can't go in, I'm allergic!
258
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,035
Quick, do something!
Is he going to die?
259
00:16:09,715 --> 00:16:10,755
What?
260
00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:12,595
Where's Joy?
261
00:16:12,635 --> 00:16:13,835
He's dying!
262
00:16:13,875 --> 00:16:17,115
JOY! Sir! JOY!
263
00:16:17,155 --> 00:16:19,795
Come on, you bastard. Work with me.
264
00:16:23,675 --> 00:16:26,195
All right, I will buy a second beer
at Nando's
265
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:28,755
for whoever saves Mitchell!
Right, get in!
266
00:16:34,715 --> 00:16:35,715
Coward.
267
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:40,275
Stephen, you can stop doing that now.
We've lost.
268
00:16:40,315 --> 00:16:43,195
Can't someone else dive with me?
We've been over this.
269
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:47,915
Jordan and Raj are injured.
Rem Dogg is, well, Rem Dogg.
270
00:16:47,955 --> 00:16:48,955
Girls?
271
00:16:50,755 --> 00:16:53,515
How can you all be on your periods
at the same time?
272
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:57,875
Women synchronise too.
Me and Chantelle started Monday...
273
00:16:57,915 --> 00:17:00,835
Please don't! We might as well
just accept Pickwell's won.
274
00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:02,835
Joe's not competing in anything.
275
00:17:02,875 --> 00:17:04,875
I'm on my period too?
276
00:17:04,915 --> 00:17:07,875
Blobby's on the blob!
I told you he had a fanny!
277
00:17:07,915 --> 00:17:11,795
I thought you were concussed?
Oh, me head. Argh! Come on, Joe.
278
00:17:11,835 --> 00:17:13,555
All we need to do is win one event.
279
00:17:13,595 --> 00:17:15,555
No way. Everyone's going to laugh at me.
280
00:17:15,595 --> 00:17:16,835
Why would they laugh?
281
00:17:16,875 --> 00:17:20,275
Last year, I wasn't even swimming,
I was just putting out lane numbers
282
00:17:20,315 --> 00:17:23,995
and Grayson got the whole school
to do the Moob-Bot.
283
00:17:25,035 --> 00:17:26,315
The Moob-Bot?
284
00:17:28,675 --> 00:17:32,355
Oh, that's clever.
But you can't let Grayson win.
285
00:17:32,395 --> 00:17:35,875
But I can't dive. It's not about
diving. It's about synchronising.
286
00:17:35,915 --> 00:17:40,035
You do something, no matter how
shit it is, he tries to copy it.
287
00:17:40,075 --> 00:17:41,115
We might get lucky.
288
00:17:41,155 --> 00:17:43,315
But if it's so easy,
why can't you do it?
289
00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:46,715
Oh, how many times?
Chlorine is my Kryptonite.
290
00:17:46,755 --> 00:17:48,155
One drop of that shit
291
00:17:48,195 --> 00:17:51,555
and I go from Jamie Redknapp
to Harry Redknapp, like that.
292
00:17:51,595 --> 00:17:55,675
Now, come on, buddy. I believe in you.
We all believe in you.
293
00:17:55,715 --> 00:17:59,875
Inspire a generation. Hashtag YOLO.
294
00:17:59,915 --> 00:18:02,755
YOLO, Joe. YOLO.
295
00:18:02,795 --> 00:18:07,715
YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO,
YOLO, YOLO, YOLO!
296
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,235
Can you buy me three beers?
Everyone can have three beers!
297
00:18:22,915 --> 00:18:23,915
Ah, Mr Smith!
298
00:18:23,955 --> 00:18:27,595
So great to see you,
after the racial insensitivity tribunal.
299
00:18:27,635 --> 00:18:32,155
With hindsight, I can see
that word is best left to rappers.
300
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:34,955
Well, let's just let bygones be bygones.
301
00:18:34,995 --> 00:18:37,315
Yes, bro.
302
00:18:37,355 --> 00:18:43,315
♪ ..Some day-ay-ay-ay
303
00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:48,715
♪ We walk hand in hand... ♪
304
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:56,075
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to the Abbey Grove swimming gala.
305
00:18:58,395 --> 00:19:01,395
Now, to light the Olympic torch.
306
00:19:03,835 --> 00:19:06,235
Let the Games begin.
307
00:19:16,315 --> 00:19:17,715
Oh, no.
308
00:19:24,275 --> 00:19:26,355
Don't panic! Everything's fine!
309
00:19:26,395 --> 00:19:31,075
Everything's fine.
Everything's cool. Don't panic!
310
00:19:31,115 --> 00:19:34,115
Everything's fine. Do not worry.
311
00:19:34,155 --> 00:19:39,035
Oh, God. It's really hot. Help! Help!
312
00:20:05,315 --> 00:20:08,155
♪ We shall, we shall not be moved. ♪
313
00:20:08,195 --> 00:20:10,595
Argh! Oh, my God!
314
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,275
Stuck, is it?
315
00:20:25,715 --> 00:20:26,915
Stand back.
316
00:20:26,955 --> 00:20:31,555
Sometimes there's no substitute
for a little bit of manpower.
317
00:20:43,595 --> 00:20:47,555
Any minute now, it'll just drop.
It's a stubborn one.
318
00:20:50,235 --> 00:20:52,195
Oh, shit!
319
00:20:52,235 --> 00:20:54,755
Erm, I haven't actually
put my money in it.
320
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:59,595
Oh... that'll be why
nothing's coming out, then.
321
00:21:00,875 --> 00:21:04,835
FYI, your, er, little minge binge.
322
00:21:05,875 --> 00:21:09,195
Not my fault. I've checked
with loads of my ex-girlfriends
323
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,075
and they're all still straight.
324
00:21:11,115 --> 00:21:13,115
"Checked"?
What do you mean, checked?
325
00:21:13,155 --> 00:21:17,475
I asked them if they were gay.
Not straight out. I'm subtle, like.
326
00:21:17,515 --> 00:21:18,995
What did you ask them?
327
00:21:19,035 --> 00:21:22,635
Timbaland - music producer
or formal evening footwear?
328
00:21:24,275 --> 00:21:25,955
You're intimidated.
329
00:21:25,995 --> 00:21:27,995
No, I'm not.
330
00:21:28,035 --> 00:21:33,355
I just think that, you know...
you might be, er, missing out.
331
00:21:36,235 --> 00:21:38,235
I'm not missing out.
332
00:21:38,275 --> 00:21:42,715
No, because sex with Alex
333
00:21:42,755 --> 00:21:45,755
is a sensual awakening.
334
00:21:45,795 --> 00:21:51,755
Wave upon wave
of mind-blowing orgasms.
335
00:21:51,795 --> 00:21:55,035
She's a volcano of pleasure.
336
00:21:58,675 --> 00:22:01,355
Very clever.
337
00:22:01,395 --> 00:22:04,315
Very clever indeed.
338
00:22:04,355 --> 00:22:08,195
Get your own back
by giving me an erection
339
00:22:08,235 --> 00:22:11,115
at a children's swimming gala. Oh, God.
340
00:22:20,555 --> 00:22:23,595
I don't care
if you're dying of starvation,
341
00:22:23,635 --> 00:22:26,235
your bingo wings are not going
to mess up this entry.
342
00:22:27,475 --> 00:22:31,155
Miss, I feel...
You do not feel, you dive.
343
00:22:32,195 --> 00:22:33,195
Are you all right?
344
00:22:33,235 --> 00:22:36,995
Sir, we need to call security.
I've seen a suspicious package.
345
00:22:37,035 --> 00:22:41,715
Eugh. Pickwell's camel toe?
Toe? That's a whole hoof.
346
00:22:52,715 --> 00:22:54,115
Zero?
347
00:22:54,155 --> 00:22:56,235
Are you out of your tiny little minds?
348
00:22:56,275 --> 00:22:58,955
There was no synchronisation.
349
00:22:58,995 --> 00:23:04,515
Yes! Look, it's easy. Just keep it
simple. Keep it synchronised.
350
00:23:04,555 --> 00:23:08,555
I can't! I can't take my top off.
Everyone will laugh.
351
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:13,595
Ignore them, Joe. Look,
no-one is happy about their bodies.
352
00:23:13,635 --> 00:23:18,515
You really think that this will
ever win Heat's torso of the week?
353
00:23:18,555 --> 00:23:22,155
No, but they might bring back
Circle of Shame for those nipples.
354
00:23:22,195 --> 00:23:24,955
Stephen, could you just go
and sort out the music?
355
00:23:24,995 --> 00:23:26,355
This dive is happening!
356
00:23:28,475 --> 00:23:31,955
Look, mate, beauty is more
than skin-deep.
357
00:23:31,995 --> 00:23:33,235
You are like...
358
00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:39,555
a Ginsters Scotch Egg Bar. Yeah.
359
00:23:39,595 --> 00:23:44,115
On the outside, you're not
traditionally beautiful,
360
00:23:44,155 --> 00:23:48,235
but inside...
inside, you're pretty damn special.
361
00:23:48,275 --> 00:23:52,795
Argh! My ankle! This witch tripped me!
362
00:23:52,835 --> 00:23:54,875
I said, no running.
363
00:23:59,555 --> 00:24:04,595
No way. Right, that's it.
Shit's getting real.
364
00:24:04,635 --> 00:24:06,475
What about your chlorine allergy?
365
00:24:06,515 --> 00:24:09,275
You know what, Joe? Some day...
366
00:24:11,315 --> 00:24:13,595
we've all got to face up to our fears.
367
00:24:13,635 --> 00:24:16,315
You with me? Oi, chicken dipper!
368
00:24:19,315 --> 00:24:21,955
That's the spirit. Lock and load.
369
00:24:21,995 --> 00:24:25,155
What happened to not being
ashamed of your body?
370
00:24:25,195 --> 00:24:29,235
Joe, there are some shortcomings
that no man will ever get over.
371
00:24:30,275 --> 00:24:31,955
Put it down.
372
00:24:37,115 --> 00:24:39,755
Dive, dive, dive, dive!
373
00:24:42,675 --> 00:24:48,115
Are you sure about this, Alfie?
Yeah. How bad can it be, right?
374
00:24:49,795 --> 00:24:51,915
Bob bump? Bob bump.
375
00:25:31,795 --> 00:25:33,115
Yes! Yes!
376
00:25:34,475 --> 00:25:35,875
Yes, we did it!
377
00:25:37,835 --> 00:25:43,995
Oh! Oh, my chlorine allergy.
It's vanished! I feel fine!
378
00:25:49,715 --> 00:25:53,275
Honestly, guys, how bad is it?
379
00:25:53,315 --> 00:25:54,635
Not bad at all.
380
00:25:54,675 --> 00:25:59,315
Oh, my God, you look minging...
but no worse than normal.
381
00:25:59,355 --> 00:26:01,555
You look fine, sir. Really.
382
00:26:01,595 --> 00:26:04,235
You'd better get into a hot shower
and some dry clothes, sir.
383
00:26:04,275 --> 00:26:05,835
I'll help you get your trunks off.
384
00:26:05,875 --> 00:26:08,275
Whoa! I think I can cope,
thank you, Chantelle.
385
00:26:16,555 --> 00:26:18,355
Is somebody there?
386
00:26:19,515 --> 00:26:21,635
Where are my clothes?
Nice face, Downton.
387
00:26:21,675 --> 00:26:24,555
Seriously, Frank,
I am not in the mood for this.
388
00:26:24,595 --> 00:26:28,435
Thunderbirds are GO! What?
389
00:26:29,595 --> 00:26:31,235
Give me my towel back!
390
00:26:31,275 --> 00:26:33,035
Ow!
391
00:26:33,075 --> 00:26:34,835
This isn't funny!
392
00:26:34,875 --> 00:26:39,035
Seriously... Seriously, guys.
Come on, sir!
393
00:26:41,555 --> 00:26:43,755
This is not funny! Alfie?
394
00:26:46,635 --> 00:26:49,755
Hello? Rosie?
395
00:26:49,795 --> 00:26:51,595
We're in the lobby, aren't we?
396
00:26:51,635 --> 00:26:54,635
Yeah. Shit!
397
00:26:54,675 --> 00:26:56,355
This is my recurring nightmare.
398
00:26:56,395 --> 00:27:00,635
Is he OK? Oh, is this...?
399
00:27:00,675 --> 00:27:05,035
Yes! This must be the famous Alex.
400
00:27:09,515 --> 00:27:12,315
How wonderful to finally meet you.
401
00:27:12,355 --> 00:27:13,715
No?
402
00:27:14,795 --> 00:27:18,235
It's like that, is it?
You are making a spectacle of yourself.
403
00:27:18,275 --> 00:27:19,635
Go and put some clothes on!
404
00:27:19,675 --> 00:27:24,995
Oh, sorry. You think I'm embarrassed
about my body? Pu-lease!
405
00:27:25,035 --> 00:27:30,595
Darling, you just can't handle being
reminded of what you could have had.
406
00:27:30,635 --> 00:27:32,475
Argh!
407
00:27:37,315 --> 00:27:40,875
Come on, then, take a photo.
It'll last longer.
408
00:27:44,315 --> 00:27:46,075
That's a figure of speech,
I didn't mean it!
409
00:27:46,115 --> 00:27:48,875
Stop it, Mitchell! Sir?
410
00:27:59,955 --> 00:28:03,075
I promise, it's me. Please?!
411
00:28:03,115 --> 00:28:06,995
I've got to buy those guys 30 beers.
33609
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