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1
00:00:27,510 --> 00:00:30,790
I was 16. I was in a bad place.
2
00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:35,230
Why don't you take it down? I forgot
my password and security question.
3
00:00:35,430 --> 00:00:37,390
I mean, Jesus,
what is my favourite place?
4
00:00:37,590 --> 00:00:41,150
Judging by that, another
dude's arse. Shut up, Mitchell!
5
00:00:41,350 --> 00:00:43,630
Sir, can we watch my video now?
What's it called?
6
00:00:43,830 --> 00:00:46,070
One girl, ten cups.
Oh, god, Chantelle.
7
00:00:46,270 --> 00:00:49,030
What? It's just me
doing the washing-up. Oh.
8
00:00:49,230 --> 00:00:52,970
Greetings and salutations. David
Millbank. I was just wondering
9
00:00:53,170 --> 00:00:56,910
if I can count on your vote for
this forthcoming school election.
10
00:00:57,110 --> 00:00:59,670
Um, go away. We're working.
11
00:00:59,870 --> 00:01:02,710
Now, who did you vote for last year?
12
00:01:02,910 --> 00:01:04,550
Little Mix.
13
00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:06,430
Ah, the X Factor, yes.
14
00:01:06,630 --> 00:01:11,270
Look, I love music.
I'm a big fan of The Coldplay,
15
00:01:11,470 --> 00:01:15,470
Jay Zed and Olly Murs feat...
Rizzle Sticks.
16
00:01:15,670 --> 00:01:18,830
Here, Sir, do you want to see
an old guy singing with his nutsack?
17
00:01:19,030 --> 00:01:22,190
Mitchell, why would I want to see
an old man singing with his...?
18
00:01:22,390 --> 00:01:24,270
"Sledgehammer"
by Peter Gabriel
19
00:01:24,470 --> 00:01:25,270
Oh, my god! Is that...?
20
00:01:25,470 --> 00:01:29,470
Oh, I've got to send this to Fraser.
He loves Peter Gabriel.
21
00:01:29,670 --> 00:01:31,470
COMPUTER BOINGS
22
00:01:32,990 --> 00:01:35,530
"# I'll be anything you need"
23
00:01:35,730 --> 00:01:38,160
Goodness, Peter Gabriel's aged.
24
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,790
"# You could have a big dipper"
25
00:01:40,990 --> 00:01:42,590
Oh, Jesus.
26
00:01:42,790 --> 00:01:45,590
"# Going up and down
all around the bends"
27
00:01:45,790 --> 00:01:48,590
OK, there's nothing to see here,
guys. Can you just get on?
28
00:01:48,790 --> 00:01:52,990
Put the phone away. Question ten's
good. Get on with it. It's chicken.
29
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:57,910
♪ This amusement never ends
30
00:01:58,870 --> 00:02:00,510
♪ I wanna be
31
00:02:02,670 --> 00:02:04,390
♪ Your sledgehammer
32
00:02:06,070 --> 00:02:09,110
♪ Why don't you call my name?
33
00:02:10,470 --> 00:02:14,230
♪ Oh! Let me be your sledgehammer
34
00:02:16,550 --> 00:02:20,030
♪ This will be my testimony
35
00:02:20,230 --> 00:02:21,750
♪ Sledge
36
00:02:28,710 --> 00:02:32,150
Now, by now you're all be aware
that a video of our headmaster
37
00:02:32,350 --> 00:02:34,590
showing children images
of a geriatric man
38
00:02:34,790 --> 00:02:37,410
manipulating his scrotum to song
has gone viral.
39
00:02:37,610 --> 00:02:40,030
He's been asked to remain
off the school grounds
40
00:02:40,230 --> 00:02:43,910
pending a review by the Educational
Authority Disciplinary Board.
41
00:02:44,110 --> 00:02:47,910
In the interim, I shall rule.
Bullshit.
42
00:02:48,110 --> 00:02:51,310
Surely the most senior member
of staff should be headmistress?
43
00:02:51,510 --> 00:02:54,870
Mollinson has been here since,
like, the swinging '60s.
44
00:02:55,070 --> 00:02:57,870
The swinging '70s and '80s.
45
00:02:58,070 --> 00:03:01,990
The '90s were a bit dry,
thanks to my hip replacement.
46
00:03:02,190 --> 00:03:05,870
Now, given the disastrous example
set by our ex-headmaster,
47
00:03:06,070 --> 00:03:09,970
we have to get our house in order.
What do you mean, "house in order"?
48
00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:13,870
To start, I'm not having you turn
this place into a hippy commune.
49
00:03:14,070 --> 00:03:18,550
That ludicrous garden of yours. The one I built
as a memorial to my late brother, Freddie?
50
00:03:18,750 --> 00:03:21,390
I need a new parking space.
Could it fit a Hummer?
51
00:03:21,590 --> 00:03:25,590
And take this school election,
always an absolute shambles.
52
00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:29,590
Oh, is it? I don't believe
in elections. Course you don't.
53
00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:33,110
But we are going to show the board
that we can get something right.
54
00:03:33,310 --> 00:03:35,750
Which means, Wickers,
you can sit this one out.
55
00:03:35,950 --> 00:03:37,550
BLOWS A RASPBERRY
Bothered?
56
00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:39,630
This election
will run like clockwork.
57
00:03:39,830 --> 00:03:44,590
That way, I will show the board that I am the
right man for the job on a permanent basis.
58
00:03:44,790 --> 00:03:48,110
No-one wants you in charge. You're
like the stepmum in Parent Trap.
59
00:03:48,310 --> 00:03:52,230
With me in power,
this school will improve, expand.
60
00:03:52,430 --> 00:03:57,310
The pupils will be
better, stronger...
61
00:03:57,510 --> 00:03:59,350
purer.
62
00:03:59,550 --> 00:04:03,470
Almost like a super race?
Yes. Amazing.
63
00:04:03,670 --> 00:04:06,110
I have to deal with
that troublesome Fletchley boy.
64
00:04:06,310 --> 00:04:09,790
His parents are demanding compensation
for some javelin accident.
65
00:04:09,990 --> 00:04:12,710
So I'm expelling him.
On what grounds?
66
00:04:12,910 --> 00:04:16,190
For having marijuana in his locker.
How do you know that?
67
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:18,030
I put it there.
68
00:04:18,230 --> 00:04:19,670
I need a smoke.
69
00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:22,150
Yeah, me too.
You don't smoke.
70
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:25,910
Yeah, sure I do...
you know, like, when I'm stressed.
71
00:04:27,990 --> 00:04:30,430
♪ Oh! After the rain
72
00:04:30,630 --> 00:04:35,030
♪ We forget, we make sure we gain,
then we leave it
73
00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:37,750
♪ Cos we're a nation
of forgetters. ♪
74
00:04:37,950 --> 00:04:40,190
Fraser is screwed.
75
00:04:40,390 --> 00:04:42,430
COUGHS
76
00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:45,910
That's some good shit.
Do you want to do blowback?
77
00:04:46,110 --> 00:04:48,710
It's a cigarette, Alfie,
it's not pot.
78
00:04:48,910 --> 00:04:50,750
Yeah, sorry.
79
00:04:52,430 --> 00:04:55,430
Can you imagine Pickwell
as headmistress?
80
00:04:55,630 --> 00:04:58,630
I'm not letting her
near Freddie's tree.
81
00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:00,430
You heard the way she was talking.
82
00:05:00,630 --> 00:05:02,430
She'll have Jewish kids
in separate classes.
83
00:05:02,630 --> 00:05:05,110
In five years, we'll be telling
the disciplinary board
84
00:05:05,310 --> 00:05:06,310
we were only following orders.
85
00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:10,470
She could sack us!
Then what would you do as a living?
86
00:05:10,670 --> 00:05:12,750
Go back to B&Q. I kept the uniform.
87
00:05:12,950 --> 00:05:15,670
And staff get 13% off decking.
So, win-win.
88
00:05:15,870 --> 00:05:19,710
You'll have to make an effort with
her. Are you entering this election?
89
00:05:19,910 --> 00:05:20,710
She told me not to.
90
00:05:20,910 --> 00:05:23,790
Anyway, this whole
school election thing is bullshit.
91
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:27,350
Only because of the last time
your kids got involved in politics.
92
00:05:27,550 --> 00:05:30,270
Not this again.
Rem Dogg got stage fright.
93
00:05:30,470 --> 00:05:35,470
Well, hello, young chap.
What's your ambition in life, eh?
94
00:05:35,670 --> 00:05:37,270
Anal.
95
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:40,510
What? Um...
96
00:05:41,870 --> 00:05:45,570
Everyone knows school politics
is just for losers like Millbank.
97
00:05:45,770 --> 00:05:49,470
You know he came to my class this
morning asking for our votes? And?
98
00:05:49,670 --> 00:05:52,310
I told him to piss off.
You do know he's my candidate?
99
00:05:52,510 --> 00:05:54,390
COUGHS
Great guy.
100
00:05:54,590 --> 00:05:57,310
I bet you think it's cool to say
you're not "into" politics.
101
00:05:57,510 --> 00:05:59,790
Now you're sounding really old.
Have you ever voted?
102
00:05:59,990 --> 00:06:04,790
No. No. I don't need to, because
my dad does my postal vote for me.
103
00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:05,950
Oh, god.
104
00:06:06,150 --> 00:06:10,230
Winning the election would be
a piece of piss. I can't be bothered.
105
00:06:10,430 --> 00:06:14,830
Because you're afraid of losing.
Losing? My class would rape Millbank.
106
00:06:15,030 --> 00:06:19,730
Your class? Special K? Please.
Don't bring the children into this.
107
00:06:19,930 --> 00:06:24,630
Pathetic. Right, I'm going back to
help my "loser" win this election.
108
00:06:24,830 --> 00:06:27,230
Well, I am going to the canteen
109
00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:29,830
because I have got the munchies.
110
00:06:34,070 --> 00:06:38,190
Right, class.
We've got an election to win!
111
00:06:38,390 --> 00:06:40,030
Who wants to stand?
112
00:06:41,710 --> 00:06:43,670
Look, I've seen the other candidates
113
00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:47,230
and we can't win if we're running
against them on their terms.
114
00:06:47,430 --> 00:06:49,750
So, our inspiration
for this election
115
00:06:49,950 --> 00:06:53,270
is going to be a certain Pol Pot.
116
00:06:53,470 --> 00:06:55,830
Ain't that the guy that
killed anyone wearing glasses?
117
00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:01,670
Paul Potts. Sorry, I always get them mixed
up. The one that won Britain's Got Talent.
118
00:07:01,870 --> 00:07:04,790
Yeah, we're gonna win it
on a sympathy vote.
119
00:07:04,990 --> 00:07:09,710
And we have the perfect candidate.
Everybody loves a chubby virgin.
120
00:07:09,910 --> 00:07:12,390
Oh, no, why is it always me?
Joe,
121
00:07:12,590 --> 00:07:17,070
this is your perfect opportunity
to make this class proud of you.
122
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,990
Yeah,
but I can't do public speaking.
123
00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:22,690
It's easy. It's just like teaching
a class. What if I freeze up?
124
00:07:22,890 --> 00:07:26,390
Well, they say that you should
imagine that everyone's naked.
125
00:07:26,590 --> 00:07:28,310
When you teach us
you imagine us naked?
126
00:07:28,510 --> 00:07:31,510
No. I'll never win anyway.
Course you can win.
127
00:07:31,710 --> 00:07:34,050
All you need
is a crack campaign team.
128
00:07:34,250 --> 00:07:36,390
And you have got
the best in the business.
129
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:40,670
Jing. She is a mastermind.
She'll be on strategy.
130
00:07:40,870 --> 00:07:45,430
Stephen does plays, he can write
your speeches. Mitchell...
131
00:07:46,390 --> 00:07:48,390
..has...
132
00:07:48,590 --> 00:07:52,190
got a laptop.
He'll run the website.
133
00:07:52,390 --> 00:07:55,870
Er, hack the website. I've
given out more viruses than her!
134
00:07:56,070 --> 00:07:58,070
Shut up!
I'll do it on one condition.
135
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:02,350
Anything. For one day, you don't
make stupid comments about China.
136
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,550
Promise.
137
00:08:06,310 --> 00:08:09,430
Just to clarify, um,
you do know what voting is?
138
00:08:09,630 --> 00:08:12,750
It's just, you know,
democracy isn't really a big...
139
00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:17,910
Never mind.
So, what do you reckon? You in?
140
00:08:19,830 --> 00:08:21,390
OK.
141
00:08:21,590 --> 00:08:24,350
Yes. Right, team, to the corridor.
142
00:08:24,550 --> 00:08:29,270
Talk to me, people. We have a problem. Everyone
entering needs a party and they're all taken.
143
00:08:29,470 --> 00:08:32,070
Except one. It's not the BNP?
Worse. Lib Dem. Bollocks.
144
00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:35,790
Stephen, get a yellow tie,
draw up a list of promises to break.
145
00:08:35,990 --> 00:08:37,890
Right.
What shall we do about Grayson?
146
00:08:38,090 --> 00:08:39,790
He's the Tory,
so he's all about cuts.
147
00:08:39,990 --> 00:08:42,590
We need to prove his financial plan
is unrealistic.
148
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:46,030
Mitchell, hack the school accounts.
Jing, you'll analyse the data.
149
00:08:46,230 --> 00:08:47,990
It'll take time.
The mainframe's got me flagged
150
00:08:48,190 --> 00:08:50,790
ever since I put the school
on Gumtree. What about Millbank?
151
00:08:50,990 --> 00:08:54,670
Doesn't he have a brother? Edmund Millbank,
14. He has the lowest SAT score.
152
00:08:54,870 --> 00:08:58,010
He's asthmatic, dyslexic, wheat,
lactose and sunlight intolerant.
153
00:08:58,210 --> 00:09:01,350
He's like Rain Man, but can't count
and isn't allowed near matches.
154
00:09:01,550 --> 00:09:03,150
We need him
to run against his brother.
155
00:09:03,350 --> 00:09:07,950
A sibling rivalry will cause havoc with David's
campaign. Genius! How do we get him to run?
156
00:09:08,150 --> 00:09:10,670
He can't. He's got gammy legs.
I meant in the election.
157
00:09:10,870 --> 00:09:12,950
Chantelle, you are going
to take his breath away.
158
00:09:13,150 --> 00:09:16,910
Steal his inhaler? Flirt with him.
Convince him to challenge his brother.
159
00:09:17,110 --> 00:09:20,590
You owe me big time for this.
Oh, I'll make it up to you.
160
00:09:20,790 --> 00:09:22,430
Not like that.
161
00:09:32,510 --> 00:09:35,630
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Come on, come on.
162
00:09:41,590 --> 00:09:44,310
So, I want to propose the deal.
163
00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:48,110
Fraser, why do we have to do this
in an Italian restaurant?
164
00:09:48,310 --> 00:09:50,670
You get me back into power
and, in two terms' time,
165
00:09:50,870 --> 00:09:52,870
I stand aside
and let you take the top job.
166
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:55,510
No. Why would I even want that?
167
00:09:55,710 --> 00:09:58,590
I'm just trying to get you on board.
I'm on your side.
168
00:09:58,790 --> 00:10:00,390
Good. I've got that hearing later.
169
00:10:00,590 --> 00:10:04,990
I need you and other teachers to convince
the committee I'm still up to the job.
170
00:10:05,190 --> 00:10:09,950
Yeah, about that. Pickwell
has sort of started a smear campaign.
171
00:10:10,150 --> 00:10:12,550
At her age,
I wouldn't have thought it mattered.
172
00:10:12,750 --> 00:10:14,670
No... Throw her my bone. Tell her
173
00:10:14,870 --> 00:10:19,030
if she helps me get back my job,
I'll let her put Creationism on the syllabus.
174
00:10:19,230 --> 00:10:21,270
She's been banging on
about that for years.
175
00:10:21,470 --> 00:10:24,670
Look, I'll do everything I can.
Great. Well, in advance,
176
00:10:24,870 --> 00:10:26,710
a little crib sheet.
177
00:10:28,550 --> 00:10:30,350
The Da Fraser Code.
178
00:10:34,430 --> 00:10:37,310
Can't grow a full beard?
Skip the weakness section.
179
00:10:37,510 --> 00:10:39,430
Strengths.
There's your meat and two veg.
180
00:10:39,630 --> 00:10:42,030
This stuff is not
going to impress the committee.
181
00:10:42,230 --> 00:10:43,750
Grade three on the oboe?
182
00:10:43,950 --> 00:10:45,870
It's really hard.
Not colour blind.
183
00:10:46,070 --> 00:10:49,590
Yellow. Appeared on Super...
You appeared on Supermarket Sweep?
184
00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:53,790
I did.
The point is, that this shit
185
00:10:53,990 --> 00:10:57,390
won't help get your job back. That
you can impersonate Michael Caine?
186
00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:00,670
Blow on me bloody doors.
187
00:11:01,670 --> 00:11:04,630
Yeah, I'd maybe
pop that one under weaknesses?
188
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:07,790
Sorry, you did not
invent the "wassup" craze.
189
00:11:07,990 --> 00:11:09,950
No-one can prove that.
190
00:11:10,950 --> 00:11:13,550
Wassssss-uuuuuppppp!
191
00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:16,390
One spaghetti Bolognese and one...
192
00:11:16,590 --> 00:11:20,070
Unfolded calzone stromboli.
Ici, por favor.
193
00:11:22,590 --> 00:11:24,990
You do know that
calzones come folded.
194
00:11:25,190 --> 00:11:27,430
Yeah, but it's half the fun.
195
00:11:36,950 --> 00:11:39,390
You are such a bell end.
196
00:11:45,470 --> 00:11:46,310
BLOWS
197
00:11:46,510 --> 00:11:48,150
It should look like a lung.
198
00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:52,790
Garcon, couple of straws.
199
00:11:57,430 --> 00:11:59,230
Well, um...
200
00:11:59,430 --> 00:12:03,190
I've checked the numbers four times,
201
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:08,430
and our class candidate
for the school election
202
00:12:08,630 --> 00:12:11,330
is definitely...
203
00:12:11,530 --> 00:12:14,230
Edmund Millbank.
204
00:12:14,430 --> 00:12:15,190
LAUGHTER
205
00:12:15,390 --> 00:12:17,310
Mummy will go spare.
206
00:12:25,310 --> 00:12:28,270
What are the early forecasts?
The polls have Grayson in the lead.
207
00:12:28,470 --> 00:12:32,270
The voters love his tough economic stance.
And he scares them shitless.
208
00:12:32,470 --> 00:12:34,830
Where are the school accounts?
Mitchell's working on it.
209
00:12:36,230 --> 00:12:39,710
See? Told you the FBI website
was piss easy to hack, man.
210
00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:45,510
I've set up a Twitter account. Got a retweet
from Myleene Klass. Great. About which policy?
211
00:12:45,710 --> 00:12:48,350
I said I loved her hair.
Well, that's a start.
212
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:52,390
What are we going to do about David
Millbank? You didn't hear? No, what?
213
00:13:06,430 --> 00:13:09,270
Before we begin this hustings,
214
00:13:09,470 --> 00:13:12,910
I would like to extend
a very warm welcome to those members
215
00:13:13,110 --> 00:13:16,550
of the Local Education Authority
who have joined us here today.
216
00:13:17,950 --> 00:13:19,830
Er, the rules.
217
00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:22,670
No swearing, no music, no spitting,
218
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:26,950
no nudity and none of that
global-warming nonsense.
219
00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:31,350
Everyone knows it's a hoopla invented
by tree-fingering socialists.
220
00:13:38,270 --> 00:13:41,750
Good. So, to our first speaker,
Frank Grayson,
221
00:13:41,950 --> 00:13:43,670
standing as a Conservative.
222
00:13:43,870 --> 00:13:44,710
APPLAUSE
223
00:13:52,350 --> 00:13:56,670
Welcome to the Big Society.
My motto?
224
00:13:56,870 --> 00:14:00,030
Your problems
ain't got shit to do with me.
225
00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:03,630
The welfare state is brass!
226
00:14:03,830 --> 00:14:05,470
Policies.
227
00:14:05,670 --> 00:14:10,790
I'm sacking the school nurse. She's
pointless and she ain't even fit.
228
00:14:10,990 --> 00:14:12,990
And, secondly,
229
00:14:13,190 --> 00:14:18,590
these knob heads, why waste
my hard-earned monies on them,
230
00:14:18,790 --> 00:14:22,630
when instead
we could spend it on this?
231
00:14:23,590 --> 00:14:26,310
A massive sports day this summer.
232
00:14:26,510 --> 00:14:29,030
I'm going to build the school
essential facilities
233
00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:31,750
like a velodrome and
an equestrian centre, you get me?
234
00:14:31,950 --> 00:14:33,930
So, vote for me
235
00:14:34,130 --> 00:14:35,910
or watch your back.
236
00:14:36,110 --> 00:14:40,510
Because in the Big Society,
237
00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:45,110
no-one can hear you scream.
238
00:14:45,310 --> 00:14:47,310
SCANT APPLAUSE
239
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:52,750
Right, who's next?
Oh, this'll be good. It's Form K.
240
00:14:56,710 --> 00:14:59,830
Cheers, sugar tits,
I'll do the intros.
241
00:15:00,030 --> 00:15:04,410
So, after being told that
I couldn't enter this election,
242
00:15:04,610 --> 00:15:08,990
let alone win it, here I am
with my very own candidate.
243
00:15:09,190 --> 00:15:11,350
From the under-25's category,
244
00:15:11,550 --> 00:15:15,390
would you please welcome
Joe Poulter!
245
00:15:15,590 --> 00:15:17,230
Here's your speech.
246
00:15:17,430 --> 00:15:18,350
Wooh!
247
00:15:19,790 --> 00:15:22,710
Change of plan.
I've, er, written my own.
248
00:15:22,910 --> 00:15:24,750
Bit punchier.
249
00:15:29,070 --> 00:15:32,830
How are those accounts coming on?
Mitchell's still working on it.
250
00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:36,790
And with one click, Mr Wickers
is on the world's most wanted list.
251
00:15:42,270 --> 00:15:44,470
Is that the PE teacher?
252
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:02,970
When you're written off
as a coward,
253
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:05,640
it takes a lot of guts
to get back up
254
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,310
and show that woman
who you really are.
255
00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:13,390
Most politicians are like women,
256
00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:18,150
older women, in that
they don't care about you.
257
00:16:18,350 --> 00:16:21,910
They patronise you. They don't
listen to you in the staff room
258
00:16:22,110 --> 00:16:26,630
when you're telling them about
paintballing at Chris Lammond's stag do.
259
00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:28,630
Really good story. What?
Like older women,
260
00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:32,950
politicians make you think
you've got a chance with them
261
00:16:33,150 --> 00:16:36,390
only to shit on you
from up on their high horse.
262
00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:42,310
The other side.
263
00:16:43,990 --> 00:16:47,310
And for the record, I DO smoke.
264
00:16:47,510 --> 00:16:52,710
I get high all the time. There's
a photo of me on Facebook smoking
265
00:16:52,910 --> 00:16:56,590
a joint at Glastonbury,
at least I think
266
00:16:56,790 --> 00:17:02,030
Henry said it was weed but I couldn't hear
because Moby was tearing up the dance tent.
267
00:17:04,270 --> 00:17:07,910
Right, right, right.
Well, that was as weird as expected.
268
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:12,310
You nailed it! I didn't nail it.
I embarrassed myself in front of the school.
269
00:17:12,510 --> 00:17:14,750
I never wanted
to do this stupid election thing.
270
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:18,470
OK, next up from Form M
is Edmund Millbank.
271
00:17:18,670 --> 00:17:20,510
Right, sit down!
272
00:17:21,830 --> 00:17:25,790
OK, this clearly isn't about
the election any more because,
273
00:17:25,990 --> 00:17:29,030
thanks to you-know-who,
it's been hijacked.
274
00:17:30,230 --> 00:17:33,790
For once, could you behave
like a real teacher?
275
00:17:33,990 --> 00:17:37,350
Right, um, for the record,
I am a real teacher,
276
00:17:37,550 --> 00:17:43,030
obviously. A real teacher wouldn't force pupils
to do things they don't want to do. Homework?
277
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:46,390
A real teacher wouldn't put words
into their pupils' mouths.
278
00:17:46,590 --> 00:17:49,750
French teacher. Any language.
You're embarrassing yourself.
279
00:17:49,950 --> 00:17:51,590
Oh, get a room.
Oh, piss off!
280
00:17:53,350 --> 00:17:57,670
OK. I think we've had enough
of the Gulliver Show for one day.
281
00:17:57,870 --> 00:18:00,630
Well, unless you'd like
to humiliate yourself any...
282
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:04,270
Back off, you menopausal witch.
283
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:10,870
If you dare touch
my garden or Freddie's tree,
284
00:18:11,070 --> 00:18:15,190
I will personally ram
that Hummer up your arse.
285
00:18:15,390 --> 00:18:17,270
LAUGHTER
286
00:18:22,110 --> 00:18:24,470
Silence!
287
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:25,830
Pull yourselves together.
288
00:18:26,030 --> 00:18:29,990
I'd like the rest of this hustings
to be conducted with due decorum.
289
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:32,870
So, back to the serious business
of this election
290
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,750
and our next candidate from Form B,
291
00:18:34,950 --> 00:18:41,230
Ben Poppit who represents
The Forces of Good.
292
00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:57,870
I'm sorry for getting carried away
with the whole election stuff.
293
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:05,390
Ah! Your little spectacle back
there's played right into my hands.
294
00:19:05,590 --> 00:19:10,590
It's going to be even easier
to lance two irritating abscesses.
295
00:19:10,790 --> 00:19:14,670
You can't lance us.
Oh, I can when I'm headmistress.
296
00:19:14,870 --> 00:19:18,310
The committee won't complain
after seeing that performance.
297
00:19:18,510 --> 00:19:20,110
You'll both be out.
298
00:19:20,310 --> 00:19:22,870
That would be the case
if it wasn't for the fact
299
00:19:23,070 --> 00:19:24,790
that Fraser's gonna
get his job back.
300
00:19:24,990 --> 00:19:28,910
Oh, stop pussy-parping, Wickers.
Fraser doesn't stand a chance.
301
00:19:29,110 --> 00:19:32,790
This is a 500-page
character assassination on Fraser.
302
00:19:32,990 --> 00:19:35,390
I've compiled one on all of you.
303
00:19:35,590 --> 00:19:37,710
Mr Wickers, please.
304
00:19:44,390 --> 00:19:47,170
And you are? Er, Alfie Wickers.
305
00:19:47,370 --> 00:19:49,950
I teach Form K. Slow bunch,
306
00:19:50,150 --> 00:19:53,270
but, you know, kind of guys
that you want to go for a pint with.
307
00:19:54,430 --> 00:19:57,470
Not now, obviously,
because they're under-age.
308
00:19:57,670 --> 00:20:01,250
But... I mean,
most of them are lightweights.
309
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:05,030
It's... I've never
been for a drink with them.
310
00:20:07,550 --> 00:20:11,590
So, how would you describe
Shaquille Fraser?
311
00:20:11,790 --> 00:20:14,350
You're... Shaq-Shaquille?
312
00:20:15,790 --> 00:20:18,310
That's your first name?
313
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:21,030
You said it was Simon.
314
00:20:23,150 --> 00:20:25,550
Judging by that, you don't know
Mr Fraser at all well.
315
00:20:25,750 --> 00:20:29,030
No, look, Shaquille
316
00:20:29,230 --> 00:20:32,710
may come across
as a bit of a guiche.
317
00:20:32,910 --> 00:20:34,570
No offence, Fraser.
318
00:20:34,770 --> 00:20:36,430
Standard banter.
319
00:20:37,390 --> 00:20:41,550
Look, I've done some shit here
320
00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:45,470
that at any other school
would definitely get me fired.
321
00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:47,550
Maybe even arrested.
322
00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:52,870
But Fraser has never shouted at me,
never got me in trouble.
323
00:20:53,070 --> 00:20:57,150
And, you know,
he loves this school,
324
00:20:57,350 --> 00:21:00,870
he'd do anything for it,
it's his life. And,
325
00:21:01,070 --> 00:21:03,590
I know it might sound a bit lame,
326
00:21:05,510 --> 00:21:07,750
but he's genuinely
one of my best friends.
327
00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:15,190
Well, I'm glad you get on so well.
328
00:21:15,390 --> 00:21:19,950
Unfortunately, this has no bearing
on his professional competency.
329
00:21:20,150 --> 00:21:24,710
Can you tell me one thing Shaquille
has achieved as headmaster?
330
00:21:28,910 --> 00:21:32,830
Do you guys remember,
331
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:36,950
'Wasssss-uuuuuppppppp'?
332
00:21:41,230 --> 00:21:43,470
Blow on me bloody doors!
333
00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:45,510
You're up.
334
00:21:48,510 --> 00:21:50,070
Oh, god.
335
00:21:50,270 --> 00:21:52,190
Well, the hour is nearly upon us.
336
00:21:52,390 --> 00:21:55,870
What will I do first?
Ooh, maybe I'll build a wicker man
337
00:21:56,070 --> 00:21:58,590
in the playground.
I wonder who'll go in it.
338
00:21:58,790 --> 00:22:00,430
Sir! Sir!
339
00:22:00,630 --> 00:22:03,030
All right, I'm coming.
340
00:22:04,030 --> 00:22:05,910
What? Look.
341
00:22:06,110 --> 00:22:07,790
What? It's the accounts.
342
00:22:07,990 --> 00:22:11,670
Jing, that's sweet of you, but it's
too late. Grayson's already won.
343
00:22:11,870 --> 00:22:14,950
No, look. This column
shows the school's expenses.
344
00:22:15,150 --> 00:22:17,110
This column shows
Pickwell's withdrawals.
345
00:22:17,310 --> 00:22:22,510
They don't add up. ã140 in the school's
expenses and ã200 in Pickwell's.
346
00:22:22,710 --> 00:22:25,310
She's made that withdrawal
every week for years.
347
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:28,070
Right, um,
could you explain that again,
348
00:22:28,270 --> 00:22:30,630
er, as though you were
explaining it to a child?
349
00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:33,710
Pickwell's been
fiddling her expenses.
350
00:22:36,750 --> 00:22:38,510
Oh, god, Jing,
351
00:22:38,710 --> 00:22:40,270
I could kiss you.
352
00:22:40,470 --> 00:22:43,350
Please don't.
It might upset Chantelle.
353
00:22:43,550 --> 00:22:44,910
Well done.
354
00:22:49,670 --> 00:22:53,390
Why are you walking like you've
soiled yourself? This is my swagger.
355
00:22:53,590 --> 00:22:56,790
What have you got to swagger about?
Read it and weep.
356
00:22:56,990 --> 00:22:58,830
Doubt it. I haven't wept since 1990.
357
00:22:59,030 --> 00:23:03,030
1990? When she was hounded
out of office by her own party.
358
00:23:03,230 --> 00:23:06,030
Well, talking of being
hounded out of office,
359
00:23:06,230 --> 00:23:09,030
it would appear as though
one member of staff
360
00:23:09,230 --> 00:23:11,870
has been siphoning off public money.
361
00:23:12,070 --> 00:23:13,350
You.
362
00:23:18,070 --> 00:23:20,590
This column? Mmm.
363
00:23:29,910 --> 00:23:32,190
Now where's your evidence?
364
00:23:32,390 --> 00:23:35,790
You think we didn't make copies?
We made copies, right, Jing?
365
00:23:35,990 --> 00:23:38,270
SPEAKS CHINESE
Yeah, that is Chinese
366
00:23:38,470 --> 00:23:42,630
for "many, many, many,
many multiple copies".
367
00:23:42,830 --> 00:23:45,350
I'll have you arrested.
You stole this information.
368
00:23:45,550 --> 00:23:49,270
You could tell the authorities,
they're in here. They won't mind.
369
00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:50,950
No, don't! Please. Well,
370
00:23:51,150 --> 00:23:55,390
I suggest that if you
want to keep any kind of job,
371
00:23:55,590 --> 00:23:59,550
you go in there and tell
your little pals at the council
372
00:23:59,750 --> 00:24:02,030
that Fraser
is the most amazing headmaster
373
00:24:02,230 --> 00:24:05,590
you have ever had the privilege
of working for.
374
00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:14,910
Oh, and one more thing I'll need
you to arrange re the election.
375
00:24:15,110 --> 00:24:17,390
Joe Poulter. Out of the question.
376
00:24:17,590 --> 00:24:20,150
Grayson's already won
by a landslide.
377
00:24:20,350 --> 00:24:24,530
Joe doesn't even want
to be school president, Alfie.
378
00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:28,910
But I think it would mean
a great deal to Edmund.
379
00:24:29,110 --> 00:24:32,310
Actually, I've got a better idea.
380
00:24:35,670 --> 00:24:40,110
And the winner
of the Abbey Grove election is...
381
00:24:40,310 --> 00:24:41,730
Ben Poppit.
382
00:24:41,930 --> 00:24:43,350
APPLAUSE
383
00:24:46,070 --> 00:24:50,790
With great power, comes great
responsibility. Thank you.
384
00:24:55,470 --> 00:24:57,310
♪ You know I said it's true
385
00:24:57,510 --> 00:24:59,950
♪ I can feel the love
Can you feel it, too?
386
00:25:00,150 --> 00:25:05,190
♪ I can feel it
Ah ah
387
00:25:06,110 --> 00:25:07,710
♪ You know I said it's true
388
00:25:07,910 --> 00:25:10,470
♪ I can feel the love
Can you feel it, too?
389
00:25:10,670 --> 00:25:16,910
♪ I can feel it
Ah ah
390
00:25:17,110 --> 00:25:18,950
♪ You know I said it's true
391
00:25:19,150 --> 00:25:21,230
♪ I can feel the love
Can you feel it, too?
392
00:25:21,430 --> 00:25:23,790
♪ I can feel it, oh
Oh, I can feel it
393
00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:27,130
♪ Oh, I can feel it
Ah ah
394
00:25:27,330 --> 00:25:30,270
♪ I can feel it
I can feel it
395
00:25:30,470 --> 00:25:33,230
♪ I can feel it
Can you feel it, oh, too? ♪
396
00:25:33,430 --> 00:25:35,670
I'm the headmaster!
397
00:25:35,870 --> 00:25:38,150
I've got to go outside.
I'm going to be sick.
398
00:25:38,350 --> 00:25:41,550
I'm feeling quite drunk.
Me, too.
399
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:45,830
That's because I decided on a little
celebration for getting my job back.
400
00:25:46,030 --> 00:25:47,470
I've spiked the punch.
401
00:25:47,670 --> 00:25:51,510
Are you out of your mind?
Not yet! But I do need to sit down.
402
00:25:51,710 --> 00:25:53,550
Where's that wheelchair boy?
403
00:25:54,750 --> 00:25:59,590
Remember, posture, eye contact,
throw in some cute giggles,
404
00:25:59,790 --> 00:26:03,910
maybe rest your hand on his arm and then
tell him you'll tug him off behind the bins.
405
00:26:10,710 --> 00:26:12,770
Car keys anyone?
406
00:26:12,970 --> 00:26:14,830
No, thank you.
407
00:26:15,030 --> 00:26:17,950
I couldn't anyway,
they're my dad's.
408
00:26:18,150 --> 00:26:20,550
The more the merrier.
409
00:26:20,750 --> 00:26:22,890
♪ Come and dance with me
Come and dance with me
410
00:26:23,090 --> 00:26:25,120
♪ Come dance with me
I see you glance at me
411
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,350
♪ That's why I'm asking, B
So let's party, B
412
00:26:27,550 --> 00:26:29,070
♪ Come and dance with me
413
00:26:29,270 --> 00:26:32,390
♪ Get away from the bar
Tell your boyfriend hold your jar. ♪
414
00:26:32,590 --> 00:26:34,830
Joe, can you get me
some more punch?
415
00:26:36,670 --> 00:26:41,710
♪ I don't know where you come from
But you're everywhere I go. ♪
416
00:26:41,910 --> 00:26:45,150
You know when it's a new term
and you get a new class
417
00:26:45,350 --> 00:26:48,910
and there's a kid
that's got potential
418
00:26:49,110 --> 00:26:52,150
but really frustrates you because
419
00:26:52,350 --> 00:26:57,110
one day they're a grade A and the
next day they're just like a kid
420
00:26:57,310 --> 00:26:58,950
who doesn't seem to care.
421
00:26:59,150 --> 00:27:03,230
But then, um...
by the end of the term,
422
00:27:03,430 --> 00:27:06,230
you realise that, um...
423
00:27:06,430 --> 00:27:10,470
that maybe
they're perfect after all?
424
00:27:12,070 --> 00:27:16,990
I have that exact same situation
with Mitchell.
425
00:27:17,190 --> 00:27:19,670
No, no, Alfie...
426
00:27:19,870 --> 00:27:22,150
It was a metaph...
427
00:27:22,350 --> 00:27:23,990
♪ Shut me up
How can I breathe when I'm afloat
428
00:27:24,190 --> 00:27:26,550
♪ Our love's concrete
We should leave it set in stone
429
00:27:26,750 --> 00:27:31,830
♪ Yeah, and whenever I'm in doubt
Yeah, you forever calm me down
430
00:27:32,030 --> 00:27:34,870
♪ Yeah, and sometimes I'm a dummy
And I know I would have crashed... ♪
431
00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:37,350
Oh. Put it on, put it on.
432
00:27:37,550 --> 00:27:39,530
Um, I need...
433
00:27:39,730 --> 00:27:41,710
I need some air.
434
00:27:46,630 --> 00:27:50,510
♪ You are my personal salmonella
435
00:27:50,710 --> 00:27:55,150
♪ Going off on holiday
And having sex with Trevor
436
00:27:55,350 --> 00:27:58,950
♪ She's the egg-smashing woman
437
00:27:59,150 --> 00:28:01,590
♪ Egg-smashing woman
438
00:28:01,790 --> 00:28:04,350
♪ She's the egg-smashing woman
439
00:28:04,550 --> 00:28:07,290
♪ And I am the egg
440
00:28:07,490 --> 00:28:10,460
♪ I've been smashed
441
00:28:10,660 --> 00:28:13,565
♪ Smashed by the woman
442
00:28:13,765 --> 00:28:16,677
♪ You had sex with Trevor
443
00:28:16,877 --> 00:28:19,790
♪ You fucking bitch. ♪
444
00:28:21,150 --> 00:28:26,270
So, that song was dedicated
to a woman called Rachel Perkins.
445
00:28:26,470 --> 00:28:28,750
I am SO over you.
446
00:28:28,950 --> 00:28:33,630
And yeah, Rachel, you can go around school
telling everyone that I haven't had sex
447
00:28:33,830 --> 00:28:38,190
but, two weeks ago, I got
half a hand job from Kelly Bright
448
00:28:38,390 --> 00:28:40,590
on the coach on the way home
from Cheddar Gorge.
36928
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