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1
00:00:05,210 --> 00:00:07,470
Come on or we'll get caught.
Actually, if I get caught,
2
00:00:07,670 --> 00:00:09,730
does it mean I don't have
to go on a French Exchange?
3
00:00:09,930 --> 00:00:14,650
Just shut up and keep guard,
all right? You can't hurry art.
4
00:00:14,850 --> 00:00:20,370
This is my Sistine Chapel.
5
00:00:20,570 --> 00:00:23,170
Why are you doing this?
Er, revenge! You've seen the gents',
6
00:00:23,370 --> 00:00:24,730
the slander all over the walls.
7
00:00:24,930 --> 00:00:27,890
That has got Pickwell's name
written all over it.
8
00:00:28,090 --> 00:00:29,610
It's got YOUR name
written all over it.
9
00:00:29,810 --> 00:00:31,130
She is the only person
in this school
10
00:00:31,330 --> 00:00:34,050
that hates me enough
to write those mean things.
11
00:00:34,250 --> 00:00:35,570
What? About your weird feet?
12
00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:39,730
They're not weird,
they're just...flat
13
00:00:39,930 --> 00:00:42,050
and slightly webbed.
14
00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:45,650
Is that why you have to wear the
special shoes? You lot are just jealous
15
00:00:45,850 --> 00:00:47,090
because I'm evolving quicker.
16
00:00:47,290 --> 00:00:52,210
When the ice caps melt, I will be swimming
to safety like Kevin Costner in Waterworld.
17
00:00:52,410 --> 00:00:53,170
What's Waterworld?
18
00:00:53,370 --> 00:00:57,810
"What's Waterworld"?!
You haven't seen Waterworld?
19
00:00:58,010 --> 00:00:59,850
Ah, Jesus!
20
00:01:00,050 --> 00:01:02,890
Give me that, you little turd.
21
00:01:03,090 --> 00:01:04,930
Right. Off you go. LEAVE!
22
00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:08,690
She's coming! Shit! Hide!
There's no way out.
23
00:01:08,890 --> 00:01:10,290
The ventilation shaft.How?
24
00:01:10,490 --> 00:01:12,530
Haven't you seen Die Hard?
It's an 18!
25
00:01:12,730 --> 00:01:14,250
What?!
26
00:01:15,530 --> 00:01:17,750
First Waterworld, now this?
27
00:01:17,950 --> 00:01:20,170
What do they teach you people?
28
00:01:27,570 --> 00:01:29,530
I told you she had a wang.
29
00:01:34,650 --> 00:01:37,010
Everything all right in there?
30
00:01:37,210 --> 00:01:38,670
Do a noise. Like what?
31
00:01:38,870 --> 00:01:40,330
A girl having a crap.
32
00:01:42,690 --> 00:01:45,730
HE STRAINS
33
00:01:52,090 --> 00:01:53,650
Pathetic.
34
00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:32,690
Yippee ki yay, mu...
Oh, you wouldn't get it.
35
00:02:34,170 --> 00:02:36,190
It's Dick and Dick in Da Bungalow.
36
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,210
Well, that's actually a compliment
37
00:02:38,410 --> 00:02:40,730
because they won
two Children's BAFTAs. What's this?
38
00:02:40,930 --> 00:02:43,730
Taking a photo of you two
butt nuggets leaving the ladies.
39
00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:45,170
I'm twitpicin' that shit.
40
00:02:45,370 --> 00:02:49,490
Don't be a dick. Chill out, flippers. Someone's
been reading Pickwell's graffiti, I see.
41
00:02:49,690 --> 00:02:50,930
That's my graffiti, innit.
42
00:02:57,850 --> 00:02:58,730
Jumper?
43
00:02:58,930 --> 00:03:02,410
Yeah. You're wearing a jumper,
and jumpers are bent, mate.
44
00:03:02,610 --> 00:03:05,610
This is not bent,
this is Dries Van Noten.
45
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:11,410
Marvin from JLS rocked one of these
bad boys on The One Show.
46
00:03:11,610 --> 00:03:14,210
Look, just delete the photo.
47
00:03:14,410 --> 00:03:15,570
Shut up, Chicken Dippa!
48
00:03:15,770 --> 00:03:18,690
Please. And what if I don't?
49
00:03:18,890 --> 00:03:21,850
Then I will...
50
00:03:22,050 --> 00:03:25,570
tell on you
to a more senior member of staff.
51
00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:26,890
THEY LAUGH
52
00:03:27,090 --> 00:03:29,890
You is brass, bruv.
53
00:03:30,090 --> 00:03:31,730
Oh, thank you.
54
00:03:31,930 --> 00:03:36,270
Tell you what - I'll delete
the photo if you do me a favour.
55
00:03:36,470 --> 00:03:40,810
OK, but I'm not getting involved
in any of your gang nonsense.
56
00:03:41,010 --> 00:03:43,530
I've seen Kidulthood.
I'm not killing anyone with a bat.
57
00:03:53,530 --> 00:03:55,770
Change? But it was my money.
58
00:04:00,610 --> 00:04:02,090
And the rest.
59
00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:05,530
Prick.
60
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,290
That went well.
61
00:04:11,490 --> 00:04:15,490
Sacre bleu, le enfant terrible,
le bon vivant, le petit filou..
62
00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:16,770
Fraser, Ca...
63
00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:18,930
Brie?
64
00:04:19,130 --> 00:04:23,090
Erm look, about the French Exchange,
er, please don't send Joe.
65
00:04:23,290 --> 00:04:25,410
He really doesn't want to go.
He hates France!
66
00:04:25,610 --> 00:04:28,970
I was thinking,
maybe you could send a Francophile?
67
00:04:29,170 --> 00:04:31,590
Why would we send the PE teacher?
68
00:04:31,790 --> 00:04:34,210
No, someone who loves France.
69
00:04:35,250 --> 00:04:36,850
Skin?
70
00:04:37,050 --> 00:04:38,450
Hanging!
71
00:04:38,650 --> 00:04:40,170
Why are there all these
parents here?
72
00:04:40,370 --> 00:04:43,490
What's with all the questions?
Am I on Mastermind?
73
00:04:43,690 --> 00:04:46,810
If I am, chosen specialist
subject, classical banter.
74
00:04:47,010 --> 00:04:48,810
6th of the 9th '73 to Present day.
75
00:04:49,010 --> 00:04:49,850
What's going on?
76
00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:51,330
I've started so I'll finish.
77
00:04:51,530 --> 00:04:53,770
The MILF brigade
are in a bit of a tizz
78
00:04:53,970 --> 00:04:57,050
about the impending arrivee
of the French Exchange.
79
00:04:57,250 --> 00:04:59,690
After last year's little debacle,
80
00:04:59,890 --> 00:05:03,330
this year the parents don't want
their kids getting pregnant.
81
00:05:03,530 --> 00:05:07,250
Frigid!
So, to quash any menopausal mayhem,
82
00:05:07,450 --> 00:05:10,210
you have done the assembly on PSHE,
haven't you?
83
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:11,650
Yeah!
84
00:05:11,850 --> 00:05:13,730
Well, I mean, I haven't.
85
00:05:13,930 --> 00:05:16,930
I let Stephen do it because
he's into drama and stuff. Oh, yeah.
86
00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:20,930
He's doing a presentation
on gender equality.
87
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:24,010
Rennie?
88
00:05:24,210 --> 00:05:25,930
I've double-dropped.
89
00:05:42,250 --> 00:05:45,930
♪ I can do it like a brother
do it like a dude
90
00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:49,050
♪ Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you
91
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:52,250
♪ Do it like a brother
do it like a dude
92
00:05:52,450 --> 00:05:55,630
♪ Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you
93
00:05:55,830 --> 00:05:58,810
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem
94
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:02,530
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar
95
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:05,650
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem
96
00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:09,930
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar. ♪
97
00:06:19,850 --> 00:06:22,010
Not a fan of R'n'B.
98
00:06:33,610 --> 00:06:35,370
Right,
those aren't normally allowed.
99
00:06:35,570 --> 00:06:38,090
It's shocking. I'll have her
out of those in no time.
100
00:06:39,810 --> 00:06:41,690
OK, that didn't come out right.
101
00:06:41,890 --> 00:06:43,830
< I'm worried for all
our daughters...
102
00:06:44,030 --> 00:06:45,760
What? Fraser's so out of his depth.
103
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,490
We were talking
about teen sexuality,
104
00:06:47,690 --> 00:06:53,010
and I was telling him about my experiences
at a young age with other girls.
105
00:06:53,210 --> 00:06:56,890
He just made this grunt noise,
tensed up
106
00:06:57,090 --> 00:06:59,410
and he ran to the toilet.
107
00:06:59,610 --> 00:07:00,410
It's sad really.
108
00:07:00,610 --> 00:07:04,250
Yeah, cos I'm, like,
so cool with that.
109
00:07:04,450 --> 00:07:07,210
You know, you...
110
00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:10,090
other girls, making out...
111
00:07:11,810 --> 00:07:15,170
Cos what I mean is
like we've all done that.
112
00:07:15,370 --> 00:07:20,530
We've all been there, like,
I had a thing, when I was, like, 13.
113
00:07:20,730 --> 00:07:25,250
I was having a sleepover, and I was
top-and-tailing with Atticus Hoye
114
00:07:25,450 --> 00:07:28,690
and, I was at half mast,
115
00:07:28,890 --> 00:07:31,170
maybe even two thirds.
116
00:07:31,370 --> 00:07:33,450
No, but you see Alfie,
117
00:07:33,650 --> 00:07:37,810
my point is that I think Fraser
might have a more personal problem.
118
00:07:38,010 --> 00:07:40,310
Lives in Derby now, old Atticus.
119
00:07:40,510 --> 00:07:42,610
Added me on Facebook the other day.
120
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:46,570
Let's just say,
I would not get a semi anymore.
121
00:07:47,970 --> 00:07:49,570
Shall we go and help Fraser? Yep.
122
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:52,770
This is going straight onto Mumsnet.
Sod Mumsnet.
123
00:07:52,970 --> 00:07:55,970
OK, last year Jean Claude
caused a bit of a stir.
124
00:07:56,170 --> 00:07:58,610
Disgusting beast. Chill, Winston!
125
00:07:58,810 --> 00:08:02,010
You've let this place become
a den of inequity. Look at this!
126
00:08:02,210 --> 00:08:07,210
Don't you think girls have enough pressure without
this kind of thing? Oh, we don't discriminate.
127
00:08:07,410 --> 00:08:10,530
We let the Dove adverty ones enter.
Fat Alice did it last year.
128
00:08:10,730 --> 00:08:14,050
That's outrageous. Exactly. That's why
I voted her off in the first round.
129
00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:15,550
"Fat Alice" is my daughter!
130
00:08:15,750 --> 00:08:17,050
Hasn't she got nice eyes?
131
00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:20,010
Yeah, lovely girl.
132
00:08:20,210 --> 00:08:21,410
Bubbly Alice.
133
00:08:21,610 --> 00:08:24,790
And it's gonna be worse
when the exchange students arrive.
134
00:08:24,990 --> 00:08:28,170
I don't want some predator
in a beret groping my daughter.
135
00:08:28,370 --> 00:08:29,690
Mrs Lythgoe, if it's any consolation
136
00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:34,010
I think twinkly-eyed Alice will be
very low down on their list.
137
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,410
No, that's appears
to have made it worse. Look.
138
00:08:39,610 --> 00:08:44,370
You're all squabbling over what is the most
beautiful part in bringing up a child.
139
00:08:44,570 --> 00:08:47,210
We have to work together
to help our kids
140
00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:51,130
embrace the changes that are going
on inside their bodies.
141
00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:53,850
Bullshit!
Finally some sense!
142
00:08:54,050 --> 00:08:56,530
I think it's really important
that we make a stand...
143
00:08:56,730 --> 00:08:58,250
Yo, my turn. Um.
144
00:08:58,450 --> 00:09:00,930
Just wanted to throw this one
out there.
145
00:09:01,130 --> 00:09:07,170
If any of the staff or indeed mums
that are under the age of 40,
146
00:09:07,370 --> 00:09:08,810
unless they're proper fit...
147
00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:13,650
want to come and draw on my wealth
148
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:17,050
of sexual knowledge,
you know where my door is.
149
00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:20,650
How can I trust this moron
with teaching my children
150
00:09:20,850 --> 00:09:22,850
something as important
as sex education?
151
00:09:23,050 --> 00:09:27,130
I can assure you we are more
than qualified to deal with this.
152
00:09:27,330 --> 00:09:30,490
Perhaps some of the parents might like
to sit in on a class? Mr Wickers!
153
00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:32,810
You'd be happy with that,
wouldn't you?
154
00:09:33,970 --> 00:09:35,090
Erm...
155
00:09:35,290 --> 00:09:36,210
Alfie?
156
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,570
Yep. Yeah. Sure, fine, yeah, cool.
157
00:09:39,770 --> 00:09:42,930
Share the knowledge. Feel the force.
158
00:09:43,130 --> 00:09:45,850
I'm like a sex Yoda.
159
00:09:46,850 --> 00:09:49,750
Many times
done it, I have.
160
00:09:49,950 --> 00:09:52,300
Oh, top notch Jedi banter.
161
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,650
Well, that's settled then.
162
00:09:54,850 --> 00:09:57,490
What say you meet us
all back here at 2.30?
163
00:09:57,690 --> 00:10:01,370
And I can promise, by the time
that mini-bus arrives from France,
164
00:10:01,570 --> 00:10:05,250
all your little Casanovas will
know their pinks from their browns.
165
00:10:05,450 --> 00:10:06,370
OK?
166
00:10:14,890 --> 00:10:18,010
You need to be aware
of all the major sexual organs.
167
00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:20,870
Yeah.
168
00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:22,580
Labia...
169
00:10:22,780 --> 00:10:24,335
vulva...
170
00:10:24,535 --> 00:10:25,890
vagina.
171
00:10:26,090 --> 00:10:31,410
So, we're all good
talking about the...
172
00:10:31,610 --> 00:10:33,010
Anus.
173
00:10:33,210 --> 00:10:39,050
I thought we could watch a home video
my husband and I made on our honeymoon.
174
00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:41,970
It's on the internet somewhere.
175
00:10:42,170 --> 00:10:43,810
Acts 15-20.
176
00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:47,570
"And Moses did write to them,
telling them to abstain
177
00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:52,050
"from sexual immorality and from
the meat of strangled animals."
178
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:53,170
That's funny, Miss.
179
00:10:53,370 --> 00:10:56,690
I've heard you like to strangle the
meat of your animal. Shut up, Grayson.
180
00:10:57,850 --> 00:11:01,490
'And in we go. Back and forth, back and
forth! Olive, do you want a scotch egg?
181
00:11:01,690 --> 00:11:04,090
'Who's a good boy?'
182
00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:06,690
Sex was invented...
183
00:11:06,890 --> 00:11:08,850
by the Romans.
184
00:11:09,050 --> 00:11:14,010
Pornography will give you a totally
distorted impression of the female body.
185
00:11:14,210 --> 00:11:17,090
Those aren't real women. This is.
186
00:11:19,370 --> 00:11:21,890
It's... Fanny!
187
00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:27,690
I give up.
I don't know how to do it.
188
00:11:27,890 --> 00:11:32,090
Sir, why don't you just draw a frog's dick so
Joe knows what he'll be sucking on next week.
189
00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:33,650
You're an idiot.
190
00:11:33,850 --> 00:11:35,690
Look, Joe,
191
00:11:35,890 --> 00:11:37,930
you never know. You might enjoy it.
192
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:40,170
I'd rather shit in my hand and clap.
193
00:11:40,370 --> 00:11:41,730
Sir, why is it only me
194
00:11:41,930 --> 00:11:45,210
that has to go to a French Farm
to stay with a bunch of freaks?
195
00:11:45,410 --> 00:11:47,890
Not all farmers are freaks.
196
00:11:48,090 --> 00:11:50,370
Alex James - he's in Blur.
197
00:11:50,570 --> 00:11:53,490
But they sent me some cheese,
through the post.
198
00:11:53,690 --> 00:11:55,090
There you are. That's lovely.
199
00:11:55,290 --> 00:11:58,610
Probably made from the farmer's
wife's tit milk. Don't be stupid.
200
00:11:58,810 --> 00:12:00,890
They do that. I read it in Nuts.
What? Yeah.
201
00:12:01,090 --> 00:12:05,130
And you're gonna have to wank off a cow.
Why on earth would he have to do that?
202
00:12:05,330 --> 00:12:06,290
To get milk, you pagan.
203
00:12:06,490 --> 00:12:08,850
You genuinely think
that's where milk comes from?
204
00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:10,990
Look, France isn't that bad.
205
00:12:11,190 --> 00:12:13,130
They've got loads of cool stuff
206
00:12:13,330 --> 00:12:17,210
like skiing and...
207
00:12:17,410 --> 00:12:18,690
Poirot.
208
00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:21,770
Er, Poirot, Jing, erm,
209
00:12:21,970 --> 00:12:24,850
he was a fictional detective
created by Agatha Christie.
210
00:12:25,050 --> 00:12:28,770
You know,
Murder On The Orient Express.
211
00:12:28,970 --> 00:12:32,690
Er, don't worry, they murder
an American, not one of yours.
212
00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:35,770
I can't believe
you've actually read a book.
213
00:12:35,970 --> 00:12:39,130
Book? I watched the TV shows.
214
00:12:40,130 --> 00:12:45,690
OK, let's do this. And remember, it's all
anonymous so you've got nothing to worry about.
215
00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:50,850
"Should I stop strangling
when their lips go blue?"
216
00:12:51,050 --> 00:12:55,050
Right, I'm not going to even dignify
that with a response, Mitchell. Sir!
217
00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:59,810
Will any of the French exchange
boys be on Grinder?
218
00:13:00,010 --> 00:13:01,970
Stephen, I have no idea.
219
00:13:02,170 --> 00:13:05,970
Lucky dip then. Is it too much
to ask to have a serious one?
220
00:13:07,610 --> 00:13:10,530
"He's 23, I'm 15,
what will it feel like?"
221
00:13:10,730 --> 00:13:12,170
Illegal, Chantelle!
222
00:13:22,450 --> 00:13:24,050
Oh!
223
00:13:25,970 --> 00:13:29,610
I have just had...the most...
224
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:32,690
amazing sex ed class.
225
00:13:34,170 --> 00:13:36,210
It was so honest.
226
00:13:36,410 --> 00:13:39,130
We had this big discussion
about losing your virginity
227
00:13:39,330 --> 00:13:42,050
and Jason Stephens
admitted he was still a virgin.
228
00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:43,710
HE LAUGHS
229
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,170
That's good.
230
00:13:45,370 --> 00:13:49,050
No, it wasn't a joke, Alfie.
It was heartfelt and moving.
231
00:13:50,210 --> 00:13:52,610
What's that book? Ah it's, er...
Oh, I know this one.
232
00:13:52,810 --> 00:13:54,350
It's very helpful with the basics.
233
00:13:54,550 --> 00:13:55,890
Yeah, I mean
I didn't really need it.
234
00:13:56,090 --> 00:14:00,210
It was just in class earlier I sort
of messed up a diagram of a penis.
235
00:14:00,410 --> 00:14:01,730
I mean my one of the woman's erm...
236
00:14:03,850 --> 00:14:04,890
Vagina?
237
00:14:05,090 --> 00:14:06,250
Yeah. Vajuja.
238
00:14:06,450 --> 00:14:10,650
I mean that was good
cos obviously I've seen many of them,
239
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,890
but, in my time,
so I got all the bits right.
240
00:14:14,090 --> 00:14:16,250
You know, tubes,
241
00:14:16,450 --> 00:14:18,650
the eggs,
242
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,650
and, erm, the...
243
00:14:22,050 --> 00:14:22,970
..lid.
244
00:14:23,170 --> 00:14:25,130
The lid? Do you mean the labia?
245
00:14:25,330 --> 00:14:27,130
Yes. Yeah.
246
00:14:27,330 --> 00:14:29,490
The lab...lab...labia.
Labia, yes.
247
00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:30,890
That's what it's called.
248
00:14:31,090 --> 00:14:32,530
Look, if you're teaching
the phallus,
249
00:14:32,730 --> 00:14:34,970
then it's very important
you know your own.
250
00:14:35,170 --> 00:14:40,170
How can you expect your class to understand
their bodies if you don't understand yours?
251
00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:43,210
You don't need this.
Just study your own.
252
00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:44,630
Get to know it.
253
00:14:44,830 --> 00:14:45,850
What, I mean,
254
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:48,250
should I, like, trace it?
255
00:14:48,450 --> 00:14:51,530
Examine it, don't be afraid of it.
256
00:14:51,730 --> 00:14:53,770
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
257
00:14:53,970 --> 00:14:56,330
I don't need this, this shitty book.
258
00:14:56,530 --> 00:14:57,810
There's all my answers.
259
00:14:58,010 --> 00:15:00,530
Yeah, damn this shitty book. Aargh!
260
00:15:00,730 --> 00:15:03,250
Oh, I think you hit someone, Alfie.
261
00:15:03,450 --> 00:15:04,730
Fraser, what are you doing?
262
00:15:04,930 --> 00:15:10,210
Oh, just, er, just Peter Crouch'ing.
You know, squat thrusts.
263
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:15,050
Just a standard library gym sesh.
Working on the old, er, bibliopecs.
264
00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:17,610
How are the old pump
and grind classes going?
265
00:15:17,810 --> 00:15:19,690
Yeah, I was just telling Alfie.
266
00:15:19,890 --> 00:15:22,330
I mean this is the stuff that
reminds me why I teach.
267
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:27,010
Don't you think it's amazing that we
can inspire such honesty sexually?
268
00:15:27,210 --> 00:15:30,030
Here's that book you asked for.
269
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,850
Oh, that's, no, that's not for me.
270
00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:36,510
It is. You specifically made
me buy it from Amazon.
271
00:15:36,710 --> 00:15:40,170
Oh, fine. Very chatty for
a librarian, aren't you?
272
00:15:43,970 --> 00:15:45,330
It's for my class.
273
00:15:46,450 --> 00:15:49,850
So, I'll go and read it,
to them, now.
274
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:53,170
Now? Classes don't
start for half an hour.
275
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,490
Oh, oops! Jumped the gun again!
Not again.
276
00:16:04,210 --> 00:16:06,770
OK, I need to inspire some honesty,
277
00:16:06,970 --> 00:16:10,290
so I'm going to need one of you to
lie about being gay.
278
00:16:10,490 --> 00:16:12,050
That will make my
sex ed class look so pro.
279
00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:15,490
You know, you come out then
I'll counsel you, like the bald guy
280
00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:17,050
they bring out on Jeremy Kyle.
281
00:16:17,250 --> 00:16:20,130
I'll go gay, Sir.
But only if you watch.
282
00:16:20,330 --> 00:16:22,490
And from now on,
comments like that will be banned.
283
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:26,830
Sir, after a good deal of soul
searching, and a powerful journey
284
00:16:27,030 --> 00:16:31,040
of self discovery. I have come to
the conclusion that I am gay.
285
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:35,250
Ah, that's lovely Stephen. But
what we need here is a surprise...
286
00:16:35,450 --> 00:16:36,810
Joe?
287
00:16:37,010 --> 00:16:40,130
No. No, no, no. Look...
No, no.
288
00:16:40,330 --> 00:16:41,530
Now don't over-react.
289
00:16:41,730 --> 00:16:45,250
No. Just calm down.
No. I'm not doing it. Please.
290
00:16:45,450 --> 00:16:48,770
All I'm asking you to do is
to be gay for a day.
291
00:16:48,970 --> 00:16:51,890
You just stand up in the middle of
the class and say "Mr Wickers,
292
00:16:52,090 --> 00:16:54,290
"I'm out and proud."
Alfie, please don't do this.
293
00:16:54,490 --> 00:16:56,730
Look, we all go through phases.
294
00:16:56,930 --> 00:17:01,850
This one time, me and Atticus Hoye were
apple-bobbing at Patrick Marsh's barn-dance,
295
00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:06,130
and let's just say, our hands
did not remain behind our backs.
296
00:17:06,330 --> 00:17:08,610
I really,
really don't want to do this.
297
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:14,770
Please. I know,
I'll get you out of going to France.
298
00:17:15,770 --> 00:17:17,810
You promise?
299
00:17:18,010 --> 00:17:19,930
Have I ever let you down?
300
00:17:23,850 --> 00:17:26,610
Ah, that's very sweet of you to
offer to come out as well, Jing,
301
00:17:26,810 --> 00:17:29,850
but, er, as they say in China -
"one child will do."
302
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:33,410
Aaaw, that sounds like
the French exchange.
303
00:17:33,610 --> 00:17:36,730
Oh, they're gonna be fit.
Oh, the bender bus has turned up.
304
00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:40,930
Where are this
lot from in France anyway?
305
00:17:41,130 --> 00:17:44,810
From the town of Hoogeveen.
Hoogeveen? That sounds German.
306
00:17:45,010 --> 00:17:46,130
Are you sure it's in France.
307
00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:49,250
Yes.
From the French province of Drenthe.
308
00:17:50,690 --> 00:17:53,610
Erm. Hoogeveen is in Holland.
309
00:17:53,810 --> 00:17:56,490
For God's sakes man,
you teach Geography.
310
00:17:56,690 --> 00:17:59,690
Well, I don't know.
I mean, who's ever been to Holland?
311
00:17:59,890 --> 00:18:01,690
I used to work in Amsterdam.
312
00:18:01,890 --> 00:18:07,970
Well, they're Dutch. It's fine. I
mean, they're not obsessed with sex.
313
00:18:08,970 --> 00:18:12,410
I mean look,
no-one's gonna be hopping on that.
314
00:18:20,610 --> 00:18:24,370
♪ Sexy boy... ♪
315
00:18:29,050 --> 00:18:33,250
Oh, my God! Get that boy
to the wheelie bins now!
316
00:18:33,450 --> 00:18:35,450
Shut up, you slag. He's well bent.
317
00:18:35,650 --> 00:18:38,490
Ain't he, Stephen?
Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him.
318
00:18:41,490 --> 00:18:42,890
Oh, waffles.
319
00:18:47,770 --> 00:18:50,130
Shoot in da hoop. Into me.
320
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:55,410
Whoa. You just denied this
quarterback a three-pointer.
321
00:18:55,610 --> 00:18:59,490
Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen.
New balls, please.
322
00:19:00,490 --> 00:19:03,010
Oh, email from Mr Smith asking me
323
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:07,130
to stop referring to him
as a brother from another mother.
324
00:19:07,330 --> 00:19:12,250
He shoots and... Ooh, touchdown!
325
00:19:12,450 --> 00:19:15,970
Fraser, did you listen to me?
Joe can't go. Why?
326
00:19:16,170 --> 00:19:17,130
Look...
327
00:19:19,290 --> 00:19:23,330
..he has been having some
words with me in private
328
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:29,290
about a couple of issues that
his having regarding his sexuality.
329
00:19:29,490 --> 00:19:32,330
Why would that mean
he can't go to Holland?
330
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:33,370
Fraser! Holland!
331
00:19:35,810 --> 00:19:37,130
A young chap like that.
332
00:19:37,330 --> 00:19:41,090
Vulnerable, unsure of himself,
wandering round
333
00:19:41,290 --> 00:19:45,530
the red light district of Amsterdam,
high on marijuana.
334
00:19:45,730 --> 00:19:47,810
They'd pass his bottom
round like a joint.
335
00:19:48,010 --> 00:19:52,370
Ooh. Formal warning from
the governors regarding
336
00:19:52,570 --> 00:19:54,530
my conduct towards
a black parent.
337
00:19:54,730 --> 00:20:00,970
♪ Do, do, do, do
338
00:20:01,170 --> 00:20:02,930
♪ Do, do, do, do... ♪
339
00:20:03,130 --> 00:20:04,450
Home run!
340
00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:06,650
HE IMITATES A BUGLE CALL
341
00:20:07,930 --> 00:20:10,050
Actually can you just,
er, pick that one out,
342
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:14,210
I should probably give it
a read before the hearing.
343
00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:19,250
So, are we agreed? Joe's not going?
344
00:20:19,450 --> 00:20:23,530
Well, if he's having t'issues,
we can't send him abroad.
345
00:20:23,730 --> 00:20:25,970
I'll just ring around
for another pupil.
346
00:20:26,170 --> 00:20:30,590
Oh, before you do that,
one of Ms Pickwell's class
347
00:20:30,790 --> 00:20:35,210
has expressed a real affinity
with the culture.
348
00:20:35,410 --> 00:20:37,290
Get in the locker!
349
00:20:39,250 --> 00:20:41,690
Hello, Francis.
350
00:20:42,810 --> 00:20:45,170
Well, if ain't Dries Von Noten.
351
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:48,590
Ooh, speaking a little Dutch.
That'll come in handy.
352
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:52,000
You been sniffing Pritt Stick
again, you dick rash?
353
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,210
No, because I've found out
that it's solvent free.
354
00:20:55,410 --> 00:20:59,810
Mug. Fraser has just been on
the phone to your parents.
355
00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:03,970
Turns out there was a last minute
drop out on the Dutch exchange,
356
00:21:04,170 --> 00:21:07,550
and we all decided that
you could go instead.
357
00:21:07,750 --> 00:21:11,130
You're going to love it on the farm
in Hoogeveen.
358
00:21:11,330 --> 00:21:14,010
The 5am starts, the smell of manure,
359
00:21:14,210 --> 00:21:18,250
the vigorous milking,
and that's just Mrs Vorhoeven.
360
00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:22,690
As they say in Holland,
auf wiedersehen.
361
00:21:25,170 --> 00:21:29,050
♪ Bendable, poseable
362
00:21:32,810 --> 00:21:34,490
♪ Bendable, poseable
363
00:21:34,690 --> 00:21:36,650
♪ Bendable, poseable... ♪
364
00:21:38,290 --> 00:21:40,730
Welcome. Wilkommen. Bienvenue.
Don't block the camera.
365
00:21:40,930 --> 00:21:44,210
Camera? Are you filming this?
Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet.
366
00:21:44,410 --> 00:21:45,970
Thank you very much for that.
367
00:21:46,170 --> 00:21:49,970
Now, I'm glad you could all make it
to one of our live sex shows.
368
00:21:50,170 --> 00:21:53,010
Sorry - live classes on sex,
sex ed class.
369
00:21:53,210 --> 00:21:54,490
It's not a live sex show.
370
00:21:54,690 --> 00:21:58,490
Now, I know you're all a little
bit worried about your kids
371
00:21:58,690 --> 00:22:03,650
mingling with the French students,
and their dubious sexual outlook.
372
00:22:04,810 --> 00:22:09,650
Fear not, because luckily,
ah, our students are in fact, Dutch.
373
00:22:15,370 --> 00:22:18,810
So, enough tickle, a bit more
tackle, funk you very much.
374
00:22:23,290 --> 00:22:26,410
Settle down, brothers and sisters.
It's time to share.
375
00:22:26,610 --> 00:22:29,170
Where have I been? Good question.
376
00:22:29,370 --> 00:22:33,290
Well, I've been sat in a room
getting to know my penis.
377
00:22:37,570 --> 00:22:40,290
And you know what?
378
00:22:41,490 --> 00:22:45,530
He's a pretty great guy,
cos Miss G's right.
379
00:22:45,730 --> 00:22:49,170
How can you lot
understand your penises
380
00:22:49,370 --> 00:22:52,810
if you don't get to
know my penis first?
381
00:22:53,010 --> 00:22:55,070
That's out of context.
382
00:22:55,270 --> 00:22:57,330
You don't need books.
383
00:22:57,530 --> 00:23:00,210
Or libraries.
384
00:23:00,410 --> 00:23:03,850
All of the answers are in here.
The pant library.
385
00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:10,250
So, next chapter, sex.
386
00:23:11,370 --> 00:23:14,690
I thought you guys should share.
387
00:23:16,210 --> 00:23:22,650
Is there anything anyone wants to
share with the group? Joe, maybe?
388
00:23:22,850 --> 00:23:25,050
Something that you
might like to tell us,
389
00:23:25,250 --> 00:23:28,450
some honesty that I've inspired?
390
00:23:28,650 --> 00:23:32,610
No. For me, it's all about making
everyone happy.
391
00:23:32,810 --> 00:23:34,770
It's just our bodies, guys,
let's have fun.
392
00:23:34,970 --> 00:23:38,690
Right, I'm sorry. We're not talking
about fun, and happiness, Hoogeveen.
393
00:23:38,890 --> 00:23:40,850
We're talking about sex, yeah?
394
00:23:41,050 --> 00:23:44,850
But if you're not mature enough to
share with the group, that's fine.
395
00:23:45,050 --> 00:23:49,170
Hey, I'm mature enough. You want me to share?
OK well, I like to strum the clitoris.
396
00:23:49,370 --> 00:23:50,770
Ooh. Don't say that!
397
00:23:50,970 --> 00:23:52,410
What's a glitorish? Oh, it's like...
398
00:23:52,610 --> 00:23:54,930
It's nothing.
It doesn't even exist. It's a myth.
399
00:23:55,130 --> 00:23:59,050
Wait. You're saying the clitoris is a myth?
What is a glitorish? Chantelle'll show you.
400
00:23:59,250 --> 00:24:01,510
Yeah, all right. Chantelle,
keep your clothes on.
401
00:24:01,710 --> 00:24:03,970
Hey, brother, why don't you
share your experiences.
402
00:24:04,170 --> 00:24:06,850
Erm, does anyone want to
help me out? Joe?
403
00:24:08,290 --> 00:24:11,370
What is a glitorish? And what's
a MILF? Right, not helping.
404
00:24:11,570 --> 00:24:14,890
You're mum's a MILF. She's not.
MILF, my friend, is a mother I'd like to...
405
00:24:15,090 --> 00:24:17,370
Fondle! Fondle.
A mother I would like to fondle.
406
00:24:17,570 --> 00:24:21,370
Joe, are you sure there is nothing
you want to tell us? No.
407
00:24:21,570 --> 00:24:23,490
What's that I can smell?
Is it cheese?
408
00:24:23,690 --> 00:24:25,530
It's almost like we're on a farm.
409
00:24:27,010 --> 00:24:28,850
I'm gay. Sorry? I didn't hear it.
410
00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:30,690
You'll have to be a little
bit louder.
411
00:24:30,890 --> 00:24:32,490
I'm gay.
412
00:24:32,690 --> 00:24:35,450
Gay! Yup! How honest!
413
00:24:35,650 --> 00:24:38,350
Oh, well done, Joe!
That's great, man.
414
00:24:38,550 --> 00:24:41,250
Mitchell, you owe us a fiver.
I told you.
415
00:24:41,450 --> 00:24:42,890
I'm not actually gay.
416
00:24:43,090 --> 00:24:45,450
No, no, no.
He, he definitely is a gay.
417
00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:50,850
Well, are you gay or not?
Alfie made me be gay for him.
418
00:24:51,050 --> 00:24:52,210
Er, right. I, I didn't.
419
00:24:52,410 --> 00:24:54,850
No, you did. You said
if I didn't go gay for you,
420
00:24:55,050 --> 00:24:57,150
you'd send me to
Holland to live on a farm.
421
00:24:57,350 --> 00:24:59,250
It sounds a lot worse
than it actually is was.
422
00:24:59,450 --> 00:25:03,010
Look, Grayson's sent me a photo of them
coming out of the ladies toilet together!
423
00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:05,730
What a shit! I bought him cider.
That's not good.
424
00:25:05,930 --> 00:25:07,330
Mumsnet has just crashed.
That is good.
425
00:25:07,530 --> 00:25:11,810
If you like sex so much, what's your favourite
position? All of them. Shall we change the subject?
426
00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:14,130
What foreplay do you take?
All of the main ones.
427
00:25:14,330 --> 00:25:17,330
When was the last time you had sex?
Erm, on holiday. Who was she?
428
00:25:17,530 --> 00:25:20,170
It was a long time ago. I can't
remember. What was her name?
429
00:25:20,370 --> 00:25:23,010
She didn't have one. Did she have
balls, Sir? I don't know.
430
00:25:23,210 --> 00:25:24,450
Was it a man? What was his name?
431
00:25:24,650 --> 00:25:28,010
Calm Down. Calm down.
Is it on YouPorn? What's ATM?
432
00:25:28,210 --> 00:25:30,370
Er, stop asking me
so many questions!
433
00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:35,290
Come on, man, share with the group.
Leave me alone, Hoogeveen.
434
00:25:35,490 --> 00:25:37,890
I haven't.
435
00:25:38,090 --> 00:25:40,290
All right.
436
00:25:40,490 --> 00:25:42,690
I haven't ever slept with anyone.
437
00:25:44,010 --> 00:25:49,210
I had a girlfriend for a long time
but she wanted to save herself.
438
00:25:51,570 --> 00:25:54,530
It just didn't happen.
439
00:25:58,290 --> 00:26:00,290
What is a glitorish?
440
00:26:00,490 --> 00:26:03,250
I don't know what kind of weird,
sick paedophile kind of teachers
441
00:26:03,450 --> 00:26:04,970
you employ here,
but they are not right here,
442
00:26:05,170 --> 00:26:07,410
they are not right with children.
OK, Mrs Lythgoe,
443
00:26:07,610 --> 00:26:10,410
chill your boots, chill your hips,
chill your lips, chill your...
444
00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:11,570
just chill, just chill.
445
00:26:11,770 --> 00:26:14,090
To be honest, I think we've
got off on the wrong foot.
446
00:26:14,290 --> 00:26:16,970
Alice, have you ever seen her dance?
447
00:26:17,170 --> 00:26:19,290
She is like two Wayne Sleeps.
I don't mean in size.
448
00:26:19,490 --> 00:26:21,490
She she's a very, very dainty girl.
449
00:26:21,690 --> 00:26:24,770
Alice has an inherited
glandular disorder.
450
00:26:24,970 --> 00:26:26,610
She's not fat, as you called her.
451
00:26:26,810 --> 00:26:28,650
It's phat with a "ph".
452
00:26:28,850 --> 00:26:29,770
Alfie.
453
00:26:29,970 --> 00:26:30,690
What?
454
00:26:30,890 --> 00:26:32,530
About the class, erm...
455
00:26:32,730 --> 00:26:35,450
Look. I don't want to
talk about it, all right.
456
00:26:35,650 --> 00:26:38,810
No, I just wanted to say that
I was really, really impressed.
457
00:26:39,010 --> 00:26:40,010
You did exactly what I said.
458
00:26:40,210 --> 00:26:44,210
You helped them understand
it's OK not to rush things,
459
00:26:44,410 --> 00:26:46,730
by being honest about yourself.
460
00:26:46,930 --> 00:26:48,290
Really?
461
00:26:48,490 --> 00:26:50,170
Yes, Alfie. Really.
462
00:26:52,050 --> 00:26:53,570
See you tomorrow.
463
00:26:55,330 --> 00:26:57,770
Now, AlfBo.
Why are you calling me that?
464
00:26:57,970 --> 00:27:00,330
SuBo, never been kissed.
Never call me that again.
465
00:27:00,530 --> 00:27:02,690
So, Mumsnet is back online,
and it is not good.
466
00:27:02,890 --> 00:27:06,690
There is, what can only be described as
an angry hate mob demanding I sack you.
467
00:27:06,890 --> 00:27:11,570
Yeah, but luckily I've hit on a way
of you taking a brief sabbatical.
468
00:27:11,770 --> 00:27:13,410
You know what they say,
out of sight,
469
00:27:13,610 --> 00:27:16,850
out of murderous, angry minds.
470
00:27:17,050 --> 00:27:18,130
Right?
471
00:27:18,330 --> 00:27:24,610
Did you know Hoogeveen has
one of Holland's oldest peat farms?
472
00:27:25,650 --> 00:27:26,850
What?
473
00:27:33,930 --> 00:27:35,170
Virgins say what?
474
00:27:35,370 --> 00:27:37,410
What?
475
00:27:44,170 --> 00:27:49,170
This is going to be the longest
coach journey of your life.
476
00:27:49,370 --> 00:27:51,810
HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY
37899
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