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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,194 --> 00:00:02,527 Good morning. 2 00:00:02,567 --> 00:00:03,767 Good mor... 3 00:00:04,735 --> 00:00:06,369 - Mmm. - Ooh! 4 00:00:06,403 --> 00:00:07,970 Yeah, it's good, right? 5 00:00:07,971 --> 00:00:09,981 It's artisanal almond butter. 6 00:00:10,607 --> 00:00:14,158 Well, "A", I'm really impressed that you know how to use the word "artisanal." 7 00:00:14,946 --> 00:00:19,882 And "B", umm, almond butter? It's $15 a jar! We can't afford it! 8 00:00:20,003 --> 00:00:21,367 Not with this. 9 00:00:21,491 --> 00:00:25,668 Oh, okay, so you bought a $600 Vitamix to make $15 worth of almond butter? 10 00:00:25,669 --> 00:00:27,070 - Yup. I'm starting - Mm-hm. 11 00:00:27,071 --> 00:00:29,434 this new thing where I make different types of nut butters, 12 00:00:29,435 --> 00:00:32,135 and I sell them at farmers markets all over the bay area. 13 00:00:32,503 --> 00:00:33,703 Are ya? 14 00:00:35,306 --> 00:00:36,639 Yes, I are. 15 00:00:36,673 --> 00:00:38,553 Aww, you're nuts. 16 00:00:39,278 --> 00:00:41,286 Hey, that could be my catchphrase. 17 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,557 Gabi, do you have any idea how much it would cost 18 00:00:45,558 --> 00:00:49,135 to buy the nuts, the jars, the ribbons, the tag, the insurance, 19 00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:50,904 let alone the permits for selling? 20 00:00:50,905 --> 00:00:52,742 Oh, I have an idea! 21 00:00:53,076 --> 00:00:54,610 Let's invent the computer. 22 00:00:54,611 --> 00:00:57,947 Oh, no, no, no! It's important that innovation be crushed! 23 00:00:59,912 --> 00:01:02,480 Gabi, I'm not trying to crush your dreams. 24 00:01:02,481 --> 00:01:05,705 It's just that money is, you know... we don't have any. 25 00:01:05,751 --> 00:01:09,051 So, this, ah, idea is just totally unrealistic. 26 00:01:09,052 --> 00:01:11,221 (Mocking) "This idea is totally unrealistic." 27 00:01:12,228 --> 00:01:13,428 I'll tell you what. 28 00:01:13,429 --> 00:01:15,841 - I'll be fine with you buying this... - Yes. 29 00:01:16,833 --> 00:01:19,782 ...if you answer "none" to the following question. 30 00:01:19,845 --> 00:01:22,613 How much of our rent, which is due in 11 days, 31 00:01:22,614 --> 00:01:25,515 have you spent on this $600 blender? 32 00:01:28,829 --> 00:01:30,029 Dream crusher. 33 00:01:32,738 --> 00:01:34,371 (Theme music playing) 34 00:01:39,024 --> 00:01:41,125 She's in the spotlight 35 00:01:41,159 --> 00:01:42,967 and she turned my head 36 00:01:42,968 --> 00:01:44,928 she'd run a red light 37 00:01:44,962 --> 00:01:46,663 'cos she's bad like that 38 00:01:46,697 --> 00:01:50,579 I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby 39 00:01:50,580 --> 00:01:53,693 - I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby - Sync/corrections PetaG - www.addic7ed.com 40 00:01:55,973 --> 00:01:57,390 Morning, girl. 41 00:01:57,908 --> 00:01:59,875 What's the matter? 42 00:02:01,645 --> 00:02:05,664 Sofia wants me to return this Vitamix, but I really want it. 43 00:02:07,045 --> 00:02:10,932 Yeah, well, I want to be the meat in a Denzel-Lebron sandwich, 44 00:02:11,621 --> 00:02:13,588 but we don't always get what we want. 45 00:02:13,616 --> 00:02:15,600 And sometimes, we get arrested trying. 46 00:02:17,292 --> 00:02:19,260 Check out the outfit I got for gay pride weekend. 47 00:02:20,721 --> 00:02:22,196 You trying to scare them straight? 48 00:02:23,839 --> 00:02:25,399 Look what I'm wearing. 49 00:02:26,869 --> 00:02:29,137 Why is that parade float wearing your wig? 50 00:02:30,706 --> 00:02:32,187 That's me! 51 00:02:32,307 --> 00:02:33,807 Why are you going to pride? 52 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,307 Oh, remember when you tricked me into being a drag queen bingo host? 53 00:02:37,308 --> 00:02:38,515 Ha, that was funny. 54 00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:41,614 Well, now, I am a gay icon. 55 00:02:41,649 --> 00:02:44,250 I got men buying me drinks all over town. 56 00:02:44,285 --> 00:02:45,886 Because they think you're a man. 57 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,454 (In deep voice) Well, if the size 12 shoe fits. 58 00:02:50,323 --> 00:02:51,757 Hey, here's a thought. 59 00:02:51,792 --> 00:02:54,293 Since Allan's out of town, why don't we go together? 60 00:02:54,881 --> 00:02:57,629 I want to celebrate pride. Not shame. 61 00:02:58,799 --> 00:03:01,067 No. Yolanda, think about it. 62 00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:02,534 I'm an amazing publicist. 63 00:03:02,569 --> 00:03:06,338 I can get us invites to the pre-party, the parade party, and the post-party. 64 00:03:06,372 --> 00:03:08,406 You can get us free drinks. 65 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,309 We'll be the most popular pair of people at the pride parade. 66 00:03:11,343 --> 00:03:13,111 Ooh, I like it. 67 00:03:13,145 --> 00:03:15,947 And my apartment sits in the center of all the action, 68 00:03:15,981 --> 00:03:18,254 so we can change outfits for every event! 69 00:03:18,255 --> 00:03:20,965 Perfect! I own this in many patterns. 70 00:03:21,187 --> 00:03:24,287 Oh, you know, thank God I didn't rent my place out. 71 00:03:24,322 --> 00:03:26,957 You know, someone offered me $600 for the weekend? 72 00:03:26,991 --> 00:03:29,426 Somebody offered you $600 to rent out your place? 73 00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:32,901 That's right. My apartment has a view of the whole parade. 74 00:03:32,911 --> 00:03:36,019 And people are willing to pay cash dollar money for that. 75 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,526 So, that means my apartment has a cash dollar money view. 76 00:03:40,527 --> 00:03:43,110 (Gasps) (Whispering) Are you hearing this? 77 00:03:45,636 --> 00:03:48,097 Oh... my God! 78 00:03:48,408 --> 00:03:49,608 Guys... 79 00:03:49,758 --> 00:03:51,770 I just got invited to an Ed Talk. 80 00:03:52,236 --> 00:03:54,183 Congratulations! This is huge! 81 00:03:54,184 --> 00:03:55,866 Wow, that's amazing! 82 00:03:56,282 --> 00:03:58,249 If I knew what it was, I'd be more sincere. 83 00:03:58,777 --> 00:04:01,815 Gabi, an Ed talk is when they invite this extremely successful person 84 00:04:01,816 --> 00:04:03,762 to give this inspirational speech, and they live-stream it. 85 00:04:03,763 --> 00:04:05,630 If it goes viral, this could be a game changer. 86 00:04:05,898 --> 00:04:07,098 Fun! 87 00:04:07,650 --> 00:04:10,504 Every great Ed Talk has this moment that is so mind-blowing, 88 00:04:10,505 --> 00:04:12,139 the entire audience gasps. 89 00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:14,592 I don't only have that, but I have a killer opening joke. 90 00:04:14,593 --> 00:04:15,793 Check it. 91 00:04:18,363 --> 00:04:21,298 Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work? 92 00:04:23,368 --> 00:04:24,768 'Cause it had a hard drive. 93 00:04:26,094 --> 00:04:28,801 (Laughing) 94 00:04:32,376 --> 00:04:34,725 Roger, you'll be speaking first, and then Josh will follow. 95 00:04:34,726 --> 00:04:36,277 Do you guys want the podium up or down? 96 00:04:36,278 --> 00:04:37,478 I'll go up. 97 00:04:37,479 --> 00:04:39,280 (Stuttering) 98 00:04:39,281 --> 00:04:40,481 Not me. 99 00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:43,282 See, Steve Jobs had it down. 100 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,121 Dalai Lama had it down. 101 00:04:45,122 --> 00:04:47,222 And Josh Kaminski? He's gonna have it down. 102 00:04:49,083 --> 00:04:50,783 I want nothing between me and my audience. 103 00:04:52,486 --> 00:04:53,854 Oh, brother. 104 00:04:55,148 --> 00:04:56,715 You know what, guys? 105 00:04:56,716 --> 00:04:58,161 I got a little treat for ya. 106 00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:01,113 I want you to come close. I'm going to share my opening joke. 107 00:05:04,454 --> 00:05:09,118 Why was the computer stressed out when it got home? 108 00:05:11,132 --> 00:05:12,833 'Cause it had a hard drive. Bam! 109 00:05:17,115 --> 00:05:19,449 Well, this thing's obviously broken. 110 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:28,860 Hi. 111 00:05:29,465 --> 00:05:32,501 Gabi, it's been three days. Why is the blender still here? 112 00:05:32,781 --> 00:05:34,842 Well, remember when you said 113 00:05:34,843 --> 00:05:37,011 that if I could figure out a way to pay for the blender 114 00:05:37,012 --> 00:05:39,447 without using our rent money, I could keep it? 115 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,475 - Yeah. - Well, I did it! 116 00:05:41,922 --> 00:05:43,141 You did what? 117 00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:45,884 Well, Josh is away for the weekend doing some sort of talk. 118 00:05:45,885 --> 00:05:47,875 And he asked me to house sit. 119 00:05:47,876 --> 00:05:49,777 - Okay. - Meanwhile, 120 00:05:49,778 --> 00:05:51,577 over here at our place, 121 00:05:51,766 --> 00:05:55,302 it's gay pride, and if you have a view of the parade, 122 00:05:55,303 --> 00:05:58,116 you can rent out your place for $600. 123 00:05:58,117 --> 00:05:59,406 And guess what we have? 124 00:05:59,407 --> 00:06:01,244 A view of the parade! 125 00:06:01,436 --> 00:06:03,804 Problem solved, the fancy blender stays. 126 00:06:03,805 --> 00:06:05,102 Gabi for the win. 127 00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:08,042 Gabi, first, let me say 128 00:06:08,043 --> 00:06:10,096 that I appreciate that you actually came up with 129 00:06:10,097 --> 00:06:12,039 - a sensible plan. - I know. I know. 130 00:06:12,368 --> 00:06:14,169 But there's just one problem. 131 00:06:14,203 --> 00:06:17,108 I don't want strangers staying in my place, 132 00:06:17,109 --> 00:06:21,874 touching my things, sleeping in my bed with their drool and their parts. 133 00:06:23,761 --> 00:06:25,061 But Sofia... 134 00:06:25,062 --> 00:06:27,530 No, Gabi, the answer is no. Nobody can stay here. 135 00:06:27,531 --> 00:06:30,167 - (Knocking) - (Coughs) 136 00:06:32,070 --> 00:06:34,038 We may have a little bit of a situation. 137 00:06:37,461 --> 00:06:39,434 You rented out our apartment? 138 00:06:39,663 --> 00:06:41,629 To really cool people. 139 00:06:41,664 --> 00:06:42,864 Probably. 140 00:06:43,555 --> 00:06:44,755 (Knocking) 141 00:06:47,514 --> 00:06:48,914 Hi. Listen, I'm really sorry... 142 00:06:48,949 --> 00:06:50,315 - Hi. - Hi. 143 00:06:50,350 --> 00:06:52,130 - And they're in. - Hi. 144 00:06:52,585 --> 00:06:54,051 - I'm Sam. - And I'm Gracie. 145 00:06:54,052 --> 00:06:55,422 This place is so cute. 146 00:06:55,423 --> 00:06:56,789 Just like all the pictures. 147 00:06:56,790 --> 00:06:58,842 Well, this is hardly a veranda. 148 00:06:58,843 --> 00:07:00,811 Luckily, you guys have a view of the parade. 149 00:07:00,812 --> 00:07:02,580 Her brother's the grand marshall. 150 00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:05,275 Oh, my God! Sofia has a gay brother, too! 151 00:07:05,333 --> 00:07:06,734 Yay for gay brothers! 152 00:07:07,481 --> 00:07:09,283 Okay, well, I hate to break it to everybody, 153 00:07:09,284 --> 00:07:11,336 but as co-habitant of said apartment, 154 00:07:11,337 --> 00:07:14,206 I was not informed by the other co-habitant of this apartment 155 00:07:14,207 --> 00:07:16,575 about this, ah, sub-leasing situation, 156 00:07:16,576 --> 00:07:18,711 so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. 157 00:07:18,712 --> 00:07:22,527 Really? Well, did your co-habitant tell you we have a contract? 158 00:07:25,201 --> 00:07:26,675 You signed a contract? 159 00:07:26,676 --> 00:07:28,744 Yeah, but you love contracts! 160 00:07:30,064 --> 00:07:34,325 I... I'm so mad right now, I don't even know where to start. 161 00:07:34,326 --> 00:07:36,641 Sofia, hang on, okay? I have another idea. 162 00:07:36,642 --> 00:07:39,179 Since you don't want them here, and they don't want to leave, 163 00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:40,865 how about we upgrade them 164 00:07:40,866 --> 00:07:44,154 to my boss' deluxe apartment in the sky? 165 00:07:44,155 --> 00:07:46,197 (Gasps) That sounds so amazing! 166 00:07:46,198 --> 00:07:47,940 No, no, no, I don't want to be in the sky. 167 00:07:47,941 --> 00:07:50,334 I want to be here with the view of the parade. 168 00:07:50,335 --> 00:07:53,638 Seriously, so now you're just offering Josh's apartment? 169 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,740 I... I can't believe you, Gabi. 170 00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:57,742 You know what? I... hm... huh... 171 00:07:57,864 --> 00:07:59,458 actually, I can believe it! 172 00:07:59,459 --> 00:08:01,515 Because you do things like this all the time! 173 00:08:01,516 --> 00:08:04,543 Well, I wouldn't do things like this all the time if you didn't always say no. 174 00:08:04,544 --> 00:08:08,284 I wouldn't have to say no, Gabi, if-if you weren't acting like an irresponsible child. 175 00:08:08,587 --> 00:08:10,921 Oh, my God. When did you get such a stick up your ass? 176 00:08:10,987 --> 00:08:14,230 I don't know, maybe you put it there without asking me. 177 00:08:15,573 --> 00:08:16,808 What's happening, Sofia? 178 00:08:16,809 --> 00:08:19,775 We used to have fun and hang out and do stupid stuff together. 179 00:08:19,776 --> 00:08:21,244 We grew up, Gabi, 180 00:08:21,245 --> 00:08:22,445 or at least I did. 181 00:08:22,637 --> 00:08:25,627 Well, if growing up means acting like you, then I don't want to. 182 00:08:25,628 --> 00:08:27,029 And that's exactly the point. 183 00:08:27,030 --> 00:08:29,064 I've grown up, and you haven't. 184 00:08:29,065 --> 00:08:31,499 So, maybe the truth is we've just actually grown apart. 185 00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:32,701 (Gasps) 186 00:08:32,702 --> 00:08:35,692 Oh, well, maybe we have. 187 00:08:37,996 --> 00:08:39,463 I'm sorry you had to see that. 188 00:08:40,523 --> 00:08:43,191 Oh, it's okay. We just had the same argument in the car. 189 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:52,330 I'm growing apart from her? I'm a child with stupid ideas? 190 00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:54,191 Well, how stupid is this? 191 00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:57,998 Stupid awesome! 192 00:08:59,370 --> 00:09:00,638 Oh, my God. 193 00:09:01,147 --> 00:09:03,906 I am so glad I decided to come with you. 194 00:09:03,907 --> 00:09:05,140 Yeah, you are. 195 00:09:07,722 --> 00:09:11,457 Thank you so much for letting me stay in... my apartment. 196 00:09:12,569 --> 00:09:14,869 I hope the stick up my ass doesn't get in your way. 197 00:09:15,881 --> 00:09:17,582 Oh, please. 198 00:09:17,583 --> 00:09:20,218 With all the sticks Gracie's told me I have up my ass, 199 00:09:20,219 --> 00:09:21,819 I could start a Popsicle factory. 200 00:09:23,957 --> 00:09:26,633 Oh, my God. You travel with your own coasters? 201 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:29,193 - Yeah, is that crazy? - It's crazy awesome! 202 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:30,394 (Laughing) 203 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,015 Wow. I've never been this high before. 204 00:09:34,222 --> 00:09:36,308 Just kidding. I totally have. 205 00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:38,717 (Chuckles) That's really funny. 206 00:09:38,718 --> 00:09:40,820 You know, Sofia used to make jokes like that. 207 00:09:40,821 --> 00:09:42,320 Now, the only joke she makes is, 208 00:09:42,321 --> 00:09:43,583 "Knock, knock. Who's there? 209 00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:44,784 Shut up, we're broke." 210 00:09:45,814 --> 00:09:47,215 And last week, Gabi... 211 00:09:47,216 --> 00:09:48,616 (phone beeps) 212 00:09:48,803 --> 00:09:50,686 Oh, it's Gabi texting me. 213 00:09:50,687 --> 00:09:52,921 - Probably wanting to apologize. - Mm-hmm. 214 00:09:52,990 --> 00:09:55,024 Nope, it's just a picture of her butt. 215 00:09:56,980 --> 00:09:58,346 You want to get her back? 216 00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:00,648 Ignore her. Be the bigger person. 217 00:10:01,683 --> 00:10:03,417 Where have you been all my life? 218 00:10:06,211 --> 00:10:07,778 What did they text back? 219 00:10:07,779 --> 00:10:09,646 Nothing. They can't think of a comeback. 220 00:10:09,647 --> 00:10:11,547 - They're so boring. - I know. 221 00:10:11,548 --> 00:10:13,068 Hey, you know what's not boring? 222 00:10:13,388 --> 00:10:14,918 Couponing! 223 00:10:15,822 --> 00:10:17,022 Margaritas! 224 00:10:17,023 --> 00:10:18,223 Yeah! 225 00:10:22,969 --> 00:10:24,770 Oh, it's good to take a little break. 226 00:10:24,771 --> 00:10:26,217 - Oh, you need a break? - No, do you? 227 00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:27,418 - No. - Gotcha. 228 00:10:27,774 --> 00:10:29,775 I could party like this every day. 229 00:10:29,810 --> 00:10:31,174 Me too. 230 00:10:32,243 --> 00:10:34,611 My heart feels like it's about to explode. 231 00:10:34,736 --> 00:10:36,704 From all the fun and excitement. 232 00:10:36,705 --> 00:10:38,024 Oh. 233 00:10:38,025 --> 00:10:40,461 And my feet are throbbing. 234 00:10:40,803 --> 00:10:42,403 To the rhythm of the techno. 235 00:10:43,988 --> 00:10:46,094 You know what? Let's go change outfits, 236 00:10:46,095 --> 00:10:48,564 so we can get back out there. 237 00:10:49,169 --> 00:10:50,525 You know it. 238 00:10:51,238 --> 00:10:52,972 But, you know what else? 239 00:10:53,007 --> 00:10:56,843 I'm noticing you get a better view of the parade from right here. 240 00:10:57,232 --> 00:11:00,500 I wonder if it's even better sitting down? 241 00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:03,214 Let me see. 242 00:11:04,585 --> 00:11:06,419 But just for a brief mo. 243 00:11:08,780 --> 00:11:10,848 (Both sigh) 244 00:11:15,021 --> 00:11:17,155 So, as our lives become easier, 245 00:11:17,156 --> 00:11:20,525 the computers doing our jobs will be the ones who'll need therapy. 246 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:24,329 And thanks to my algorithm, they'll be able to get it. 247 00:11:24,330 --> 00:11:25,530 (Audience gasps) 248 00:11:26,362 --> 00:11:27,951 Reminds me of a joke. 249 00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:31,503 Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work? 250 00:11:32,429 --> 00:11:35,028 'Cause it had a hard drive. 251 00:11:35,029 --> 00:11:36,229 (Audience laughs) 252 00:11:36,277 --> 00:11:37,477 Did you hear that? 253 00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:39,301 No. No, he stole my joke! 254 00:11:39,352 --> 00:11:41,320 (Laughing) 255 00:11:41,321 --> 00:11:42,588 (Laughing) 256 00:11:42,589 --> 00:11:44,056 My gosh, you're so right. 257 00:11:44,057 --> 00:11:46,294 Having a few friends over totally mellowed me out. 258 00:11:46,359 --> 00:11:49,261 Or maybe it's the pitcher of margaritas? 259 00:11:50,059 --> 00:11:51,360 That too. 260 00:11:51,361 --> 00:11:53,028 (Phone beeps) 261 00:11:53,564 --> 00:11:56,403 Oh, some more margarita drinkers are on their way up. 262 00:11:56,404 --> 00:11:58,701 - Fun! Oh... - (Phone rings) 263 00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,988 oh, it's my boss. 264 00:12:01,082 --> 00:12:03,138 You buzz your friends in, I'll handle this guy. 265 00:12:05,445 --> 00:12:06,645 Hey, boss. 266 00:12:06,646 --> 00:12:08,743 Gabi, this is a disaster! 267 00:12:08,744 --> 00:12:10,520 I'm trying to call Elliot, and he's not picking up. 268 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:11,450 What's wrong? 269 00:12:11,451 --> 00:12:13,277 The guy before me stole my joke! 270 00:12:14,581 --> 00:12:17,216 What? Why would he steal that... 271 00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,605 awesome joke. 272 00:12:19,032 --> 00:12:21,551 Because of its awesomeness, Gabi. 273 00:12:22,557 --> 00:12:26,459 And now... now, I'm about to go on, and something weird is happening to me. 274 00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:29,400 My... my... my hands are shaking, I'm starting to sweat. 275 00:12:29,401 --> 00:12:32,226 Okay, well, it's just stage fright, okay? It happens to everybody. 276 00:12:32,227 --> 00:12:33,427 Not me. 277 00:12:37,192 --> 00:12:39,326 Oh, wow, my chest is tight. 278 00:12:39,327 --> 00:12:41,136 Okay, just take a deep breath. 279 00:12:41,137 --> 00:12:44,229 If it gets bad during your talk, just picture the audience in their underwear. 280 00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:45,897 Hey, funny man, you're on. 281 00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:47,340 Oh, I gotta go on. 282 00:12:47,937 --> 00:12:50,050 I knew I should have brought my harmonica. 283 00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,662 (Rock music playing) 284 00:12:53,127 --> 00:12:54,327 Ah! 285 00:12:54,711 --> 00:12:55,911 Wah! 286 00:12:56,433 --> 00:12:58,834 Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 287 00:12:58,835 --> 00:13:00,199 Gracie? 288 00:13:01,372 --> 00:13:04,308 Gracie! Gracie, you said a few of your friends were coming up. 289 00:13:04,309 --> 00:13:07,010 Oh, calm down. The rest will be here real soon. 290 00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:08,812 (Glass breaking) 291 00:13:09,036 --> 00:13:11,815 Please welcome to the Ed stage, Josh Kaminski. 292 00:13:11,816 --> 00:13:12,960 (Audience applauds) 293 00:13:12,961 --> 00:13:14,395 Dude, you're on. 294 00:13:17,738 --> 00:13:19,859 I said podium down! Oh, never mind. 295 00:13:23,972 --> 00:13:25,172 Hi. 296 00:13:26,927 --> 00:13:29,488 I'm Josh Kaminski. 297 00:13:31,139 --> 00:13:32,595 And, uh... 298 00:13:33,511 --> 00:13:36,849 Today, I'd like to... talk to you about... 299 00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,832 (Inhales deeply) 300 00:13:38,833 --> 00:13:40,434 about... 301 00:13:45,861 --> 00:13:47,061 It worked. 302 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:53,607 Today, I would like to talk to you about alternate paths to success. 303 00:13:57,098 --> 00:13:58,564 Uh-oh. 304 00:13:59,844 --> 00:14:01,044 Down, boy. 305 00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:04,138 How do we measure succ-sex? 306 00:14:04,139 --> 00:14:06,641 (Chuckles) Sex. Sex. 307 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,104 Success. 308 00:14:08,964 --> 00:14:10,599 Well, it's hard. 309 00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,635 It is really hard. I wish it wasn't hard... 310 00:14:17,419 --> 00:14:18,719 but it is. 311 00:14:20,399 --> 00:14:21,833 We each have our own path. 312 00:14:25,217 --> 00:14:27,865 Is it straight? Not always. 313 00:14:28,253 --> 00:14:30,954 Is it long? Everything's relative! 314 00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:33,410 (Audience gasps) 315 00:14:39,070 --> 00:14:41,048 Oh, not the gasp I was hoping for. 316 00:14:46,873 --> 00:14:48,407 What a rush. 317 00:14:48,408 --> 00:14:51,235 Ha-ha! I can't believe I've never couponed before. 318 00:14:51,236 --> 00:14:52,903 You would never know it. 319 00:14:52,962 --> 00:14:54,363 Thank you. 320 00:14:56,092 --> 00:14:57,626 What are you doing? 321 00:14:57,627 --> 00:14:59,324 Oh, just taking my share of the pine sol. 322 00:14:59,325 --> 00:15:01,092 - Your share? - Yeah. 323 00:15:01,093 --> 00:15:03,755 You bought it, but I saved you 40 cents with my coupon, 324 00:15:03,756 --> 00:15:05,512 so just taking my 40 cents worth. 325 00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:06,780 It's fair. 326 00:15:07,777 --> 00:15:11,316 Well, it might be fair, but it's a little insane, don't you think? 327 00:15:11,447 --> 00:15:13,164 Oh, I get it. 328 00:15:13,186 --> 00:15:16,087 This is because I didn't pay you for gas. 329 00:15:16,088 --> 00:15:20,492 Oh, no, no. I drove five blocks. I wouldn't charge you for gas. 330 00:15:20,493 --> 00:15:21,880 Well, maybe if you did, 331 00:15:21,881 --> 00:15:24,649 you wouldn't have to rent your house out to strangers on the Internet. 332 00:15:25,243 --> 00:15:28,604 Whoa. What's happening here? 333 00:15:28,974 --> 00:15:31,446 I thought we were on the same page. 334 00:15:31,499 --> 00:15:33,323 And I think I'm getting a headache. Hmm. 335 00:15:33,324 --> 00:15:34,833 Oh, you want some aspirin? 336 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,135 Uh, yeah, thanks. 337 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,374 - Here you go. - Thank you. 338 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:39,955 That'll be 57 cents. 339 00:15:42,331 --> 00:15:44,899 (Rock music playing) 340 00:15:48,274 --> 00:15:50,542 Hey, you know what would be really fun? 341 00:15:50,543 --> 00:15:52,446 If everybody left! 342 00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:56,134 Gracie! 343 00:15:56,483 --> 00:15:57,683 Gabi! 344 00:15:57,956 --> 00:16:00,324 Wait, why are you still wearing a bra? 345 00:16:01,137 --> 00:16:02,471 What the hell is happening? 346 00:16:02,472 --> 00:16:04,039 You gotta get everybody out of here! 347 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,398 Oh, it's just a couple of people. And my friend Jared thinks you're really cute. 348 00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:08,986 Really? No! 349 00:16:09,712 --> 00:16:11,480 You gotta get everybody out. 350 00:16:11,515 --> 00:16:13,149 Wait, what's happening to you? 351 00:16:13,183 --> 00:16:15,062 You're turning into such a Sofia. 352 00:16:15,624 --> 00:16:16,893 Sofia? 353 00:16:17,054 --> 00:16:18,813 I'm a Sofia? 354 00:16:19,056 --> 00:16:22,350 If I'm turning into a Sofia, the only reason is because you're acting like a... 355 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,685 oh, my God. 356 00:16:24,332 --> 00:16:25,538 Whoa. 357 00:16:25,539 --> 00:16:27,934 Did you just say "Sofia," like, 12 times? 358 00:16:27,935 --> 00:16:29,790 Or am I really wasted? 359 00:16:30,232 --> 00:16:31,863 (Phone rings) 360 00:16:32,970 --> 00:16:35,405 Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's my boss! 361 00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:37,088 Help! 362 00:16:38,870 --> 00:16:41,138 Hey, Josh. Pretty quiet. What's going on there? 363 00:16:42,285 --> 00:16:45,254 Let's just say the Ed Talk didn't go as planned. 364 00:16:46,835 --> 00:16:48,035 I'm coming home. 365 00:16:48,036 --> 00:16:49,252 What? Home? 366 00:16:49,253 --> 00:16:52,255 Josh, I'm sure it was fine. You're always so hard on yourself. 367 00:16:53,281 --> 00:16:54,900 You have no idea. 368 00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,045 I'm leaving right now. 369 00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,951 But... but it's not Sunday, and you said Sunday. 370 00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:04,465 Gabi, all I wanna do is crawl into my bed and never see anyone ever again. 371 00:17:04,466 --> 00:17:05,766 See you in 30 minutes. 372 00:17:08,404 --> 00:17:09,705 Oh, God... 373 00:17:09,706 --> 00:17:11,001 Please help. 374 00:17:11,002 --> 00:17:13,446 Show me a way to get those people out of there and... and I promise 375 00:17:13,447 --> 00:17:15,899 - I'll go to church every week. - (Elevator dings) 376 00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:17,200 Every other week. 377 00:17:17,890 --> 00:17:19,224 Sofia, what are you doing here? 378 00:17:19,225 --> 00:17:21,010 That Sam was wound way too tight. 379 00:17:21,011 --> 00:17:22,862 Yeah, and Gracie is out of control. 380 00:17:22,863 --> 00:17:25,264 She threw a party, and now Josh is on his way here, 381 00:17:25,265 --> 00:17:27,875 and there's like a gazillion people in there, and they won't leave! 382 00:17:27,876 --> 00:17:30,710 This is all my fault. I'm gonna lose my job. You gotta help me. 383 00:17:30,936 --> 00:17:33,457 Well, I might have a stick up my ass, 384 00:17:33,458 --> 00:17:35,436 but they're about to have a foot up theirs. 385 00:17:37,858 --> 00:17:39,692 Sofia, I don't know what you're gonna do. 386 00:17:39,693 --> 00:17:41,343 I mean, these people are totally out of control! 387 00:17:41,344 --> 00:17:43,120 We're never gonna get them out of here. 388 00:17:44,723 --> 00:17:46,040 (Whistles) 389 00:17:46,041 --> 00:17:47,241 People! 390 00:17:47,242 --> 00:17:49,843 I'm Sofia Maria Consuela Rafaella Rodriguez, 391 00:17:49,844 --> 00:17:51,044 and you're done! 392 00:17:57,583 --> 00:17:58,783 (Car honks) 393 00:17:58,784 --> 00:18:00,796 Oh! What's going on? 394 00:18:00,850 --> 00:18:03,130 No, Josh, I'm engaged. 395 00:18:03,931 --> 00:18:05,231 What's happening? 396 00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:07,403 Oh, God. We missed it. 397 00:18:07,404 --> 00:18:10,373 Ugh. The parade has literally passed us by. 398 00:18:10,653 --> 00:18:12,408 Elliot, I have a confession to make. 399 00:18:12,409 --> 00:18:14,522 This holiday is exhausting. 400 00:18:14,981 --> 00:18:18,738 Man wasn't made to dance for more than 10 minutes. 401 00:18:19,397 --> 00:18:22,767 Celebrations should have places to sit. 402 00:18:24,006 --> 00:18:25,639 Let's face it, 403 00:18:25,829 --> 00:18:27,030 we're old. 404 00:18:27,122 --> 00:18:28,370 Yes. 405 00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:30,324 But, in the spirit of pride, 406 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:32,412 let's be honest about who we are. 407 00:18:35,486 --> 00:18:38,789 We're old! We're tired! Get used to it! 408 00:18:41,021 --> 00:18:43,953 It doesn't get any better! It gets harder! 409 00:18:44,422 --> 00:18:46,672 I dye my hair! 410 00:18:46,987 --> 00:18:48,755 I buy mine! 411 00:18:54,942 --> 00:18:56,509 - Hi, Josh. - Hey, what's up? 412 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,511 Nothing! Nothing's up. 413 00:19:00,668 --> 00:19:01,868 Ugh. 414 00:19:02,124 --> 00:19:03,403 What a nightmare. 415 00:19:03,404 --> 00:19:04,838 Tell me about it. 416 00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:07,373 This weekend was supposed to be so great. 417 00:19:07,383 --> 00:19:08,883 It turned into a disaster. 418 00:19:08,884 --> 00:19:10,239 - I hear you. - Totally get it. 419 00:19:10,952 --> 00:19:15,662 I have never felt so naked and exposed. 420 00:19:16,212 --> 00:19:17,745 And sad. 421 00:19:17,746 --> 00:19:19,116 And alone. 422 00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:21,874 It's like you think you know what you're doing. 423 00:19:21,875 --> 00:19:23,742 You got it all planned out. 424 00:19:24,004 --> 00:19:27,069 Yeah, but you know there's nothing wrong with planning. Planning can be good. 425 00:19:27,575 --> 00:19:29,076 Aww. 426 00:19:29,161 --> 00:19:32,008 And then something pops up out of nowhere 427 00:19:32,009 --> 00:19:34,219 and takes you completely by surprise. 428 00:19:35,178 --> 00:19:36,883 But there's nothing wrong with surprises. 429 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,282 You know, surprises can be fun. 430 00:19:38,316 --> 00:19:39,675 Aww. 431 00:19:40,676 --> 00:19:42,352 But, hey, you know what's great? 432 00:19:42,605 --> 00:19:45,211 Being able to come home and be with people who make you feel good. 433 00:19:45,212 --> 00:19:47,453 Oh, I missed you so much! 434 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:48,654 I missed you more! 435 00:19:49,535 --> 00:19:51,022 I've only been gone like three hours. 436 00:19:51,614 --> 00:19:54,148 - I love you so much! - I love you more! 437 00:19:54,765 --> 00:19:55,965 This is nice. 438 00:19:55,966 --> 00:19:57,498 This is uplifting. 439 00:19:59,663 --> 00:20:01,348 Maybe a little too uplifting. 440 00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:04,303 Not again, not again, not again, not again, not again... 441 00:20:08,156 --> 00:20:11,042 Elliot, my speech was a complete failure. 442 00:20:11,144 --> 00:20:12,590 Your speech was, 443 00:20:12,591 --> 00:20:15,032 but your song's a raging success. 444 00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:16,313 What are you talking about? 445 00:20:16,347 --> 00:20:19,538 As your publicist, I took matters into my own hands 446 00:20:19,539 --> 00:20:21,118 to get in front of the story. 447 00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:24,810 Hi, I'm Josh Kaminski. 448 00:20:24,811 --> 00:20:26,525 How do we measure success? 449 00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,102 (Electronic music plays) 450 00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,161 Well, it's hard, hard, hard 451 00:20:31,162 --> 00:20:32,698 it's really hard 452 00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,860 really hard. I wish it wasn't hard 453 00:20:34,861 --> 00:20:35,933 but it is. 454 00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:37,767 In life, you have to behands on 455 00:20:37,768 --> 00:20:39,883 hands on, you have to be hands on, hands on 456 00:20:39,884 --> 00:20:42,105 I mean, that's really good. That must've taken you forever. 457 00:20:42,106 --> 00:20:44,674 Yeah. It was really hard. 458 00:20:44,803 --> 00:20:46,003 (Snickers) 459 00:20:46,004 --> 00:20:48,512 Sync & corrections by PetaG - www.addic7ed.com - 460 00:20:48,562 --> 00:20:53,112 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 33504

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