All language subtitles for Workaholics s03e04 To Kill a Chupacabraj.eng

Man, this summer kickoff
party's gonna be, like,

mtv beach house
throwback status.

Daisy Fuentes's butt-cheeks
are just gonna be flowing

- in the wind.
- Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!

- That wasn't racist, was it?
- She had s--that's a good one.

- It was a little.
- Okay, well.

- It was a little racist.
- Hey, uh, dirk to blaze.

Any sign of what's clogging
the drain, my main man?

Negative, dude.

I do see a barbeque
down here, though,

and a suitcase
full of your clothes.

I'm almost to the drain.
It's 2 meters.

How's the air quality
down there?

It's okay, it's all right.

But I could use
a blow of the dro, sir.

Blowing dro.

He's blowing
dro now. Over.

I just blew the dro.
Blew the dro.

Hey, blaze, come on, man.

Any sign of what's clogging
the drain?

That's affirmative.
There's something...

Oh, my God, guys!

You're not gonna believe this.

-
You gotta, gotta
-
Gotta be fresh

Gentledudes, before you lies
a fierce beast

known to suck the brains
out of humans and goats,

driven from their habitat
during the construction

of the Rancho Garden Mall
in '98.

Heck, the scientists
thought they moved up north.

But I had
a different hypothesis.

Looks like I was right.

I give you...
The Rancho Chupacabraj.

No, that is definitely
our neighbor mark's dog ambush.

Covered in some of your hair
and possibly jizz.

Not mine, though.

It's a Chupacabraj.

I can't believe you're
carrying around a dead animal.

Well, I can't just leave
this priceless artifact at home.

What happens if, like,
Nicolas cage rolls

- We need some, like, pool toys.
- Yes.

Chicks are like cats, dude.

If you don't keep
their attention,

they'll wait for--on--
on top of the refrigerator.

- Yep.
- Welcome, gentlemen,

to Tez's summer
blowout special.

I got everything you need.
Games for the Dreamcast,

Playstation One,
and free smoovies.

'Cause white folks
love smoovies.

- Smoovies?
- That's what I said.

- Smoovies.
- With a "v"?

Smoothies!
Wait, what do y'all want?

We're actually looking
for pool toys and whatnot

- and what have you.
- Pool toys.

Let me check my inven--
you know what?

Can I interest you boys
in some straw cowboy hats?

Oh, that's a great idea.

Whenever chicks
wear straw cowboy hats,

they turn into sex cattle, man.
And cowgirl butts...

- Just get my thing hard.
- Mm-hmm.

Could you just show us
to the pool supplies?

All right,
it's or this way, and--

Waymond, you touch it,
you bought it.

Come on.

He has the Space Jam
soundtrack.

Whoa, dudes, check this out.

Damn!

- Aw, yeah.
- What?

That's the hover beast
hovercraft.

Colleen won that
in a Tropicana bikini contest.

150 horsepower engine.
Four-blade warp drive prop.

- And it's all yours for $500.
- Dude.

If we get this thing, man,
it'll vault our party

into the most awesomest maximus
event of the summer.

- Ah, brain freeze.
- Montez Walker

- on the invite list?
- Never.

How about I give you $200?

Y'all talk about that.

No, no, no, no, no.
We can't spend that much money,

because then we won't
have enough money

for the cowboy hats, and if
we don't have cowboy hats,

how am I gonna
save a horse, ride a cowgirl?

If we have a hovercraft,
we don't need cowboy hats.

- Yeah.
- Hovercrafts are aphrodisiacs.

They're basically...
oysters of the ocean.

Yummy.

Yeah, I guess you're right.
Plus, you know what?

We could charge people money
to ride on the hovercraft

and also money to take pictures
with the Chupacabraj.

At this point now,
we're making money.

We're making money
off our party.

Guys, we could just buy it
and return it next week.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
I heard that.

No refunds around here.

- All sales final.
- How did he hear that?

$450, plus you throw in

all the straw cowboy hats
we can eat, and that's a deal.

And whatever's in arm's reach.

- And this--this suit.
- Whoa, cool!

- Sold!
- Okay!

- Yes!
- But you be careful

in that suit.
It's powerful.

It makes women just....

They just

Waymond! Get over here
and get a sendoff picture

- like we at the Saturn dealer.
- There we go.

- All right.
- Charge that to the game.

Cool.

All right, Ders,
fire this puppy up.

- Whoo!
- You got it!

Here we go.

- Land-ho!
- Ahoy!

Oh, captain,
this is going down!

I don't like
when your mom visits.

She's always flirting with me.

She's got those
big titties like you.

- No sale!
- What in the [bleep] is going--

We want our $450 back,

because the hovercraft
you sold us

catches fire way too easily.

I told y'all no refunds.

Ain't that right,
way-way?

- He heard me.
- We don't want refunds.

We want our money back
so we can buy a hovercraft

that actually flies.

- Mm-hmm.
- In the water.

- Wat--water flight.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's right.
Our pool party's ruined.

Now it's just guys
with cowboy hats

squirting each other.
That's bad.

- And?
- Well...

We'll sue you. We'll take
everything you've got.

- That's a really good idea.
- Thanks.

That's why he's the brains
of the operation.

You want to get
judge Joe brown on it?

You want some judge Judy
up your booty?

You better lawyer up.

- You better lawyer up.
-
Lawyer up

-
You better lawyer up!
- There's no lawyers

- in small claims court.
- What?

- Then lawyer down, okay?
- Yeah, so lawyer down.

You know what? We're gonna
see you in court, man.

- See you there.
- No, we will.

- We'll see you in court.
- Oh, well, bring it.

Yeah, fine, we will bring it.

- Fine, then.
- Mm.

Yo, what the [bleep]
you did right there?

That's my cactus!

You want to go
in the [bleep] garbage can?

- Sorry.
- Sorry, jet set.

We thought it was his cactus.
We didn't know.

Now y'all get out of my house.

Have a good day.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Move it along, people.

We got a big-time lawyer
coming through.

Guys, I applied to law school.

I didn't even
get accepted anywhere.

Well, that's not true.
You got accepted in our hearts.

No homo, pro bono.
That's a lawyer term, right?

I'm gonna say it again.
I have no idea.

I don't know.
I don't know.

I don't understand
how you don't know,

because you've seen every
episode of Franklin & Bash.

- Who hasn't?
- That's true.

That's a good show.
Really good show.

Ders, you have a briefcase.
Use that.

I do have a briefcase.

We bought a hovercraft
for a party that we can't have.

You know how sad that makes me?

- Lawyer the sadness away.
- I will, man.

- This your bag?
- Uh, yes, sir, it is.

- That was salty.
- I'm gonna have to search it.

Oh, uh, yeah, go ahead.

- Sure, yeah, of course.
- Oh, damn!

Yeah, pretty freaky, right?
It's a, uh--

It's actually
a Rancho Chupacabraj.

Uh, but I have to take it
with me. It's evidence in a...

Uh...well, a--a dude having sex
with a Chupacabraj case, so...

- Get out of here.
- All right.

- Thanks, sir.
- He found it covered in jizz.

We're not sure what--animal jizz
or human jizz, we're not sure.

You've all been sworn in.

Gentlemen, I've read
your complaint.

Do you have anything to add
other than your claim

of boat fraud
in the first degree,

which I'd like to point out
is not real thing?

Well, we're here to prove
that it is, your honor.

If I may, I'm gonna stand.

I'd like to, uh,
address the jury here.

Uh, plaintiff, uh,
this isn't a jury trial.

They're here
awaiting their cases.

- These people?
- Uh-huh.

Thank you, judge Tibbles.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the esteemed court,

two dudes with some
bodacious ponytails.

- 22 inches and counting.
- Dude.

This is 19 inches.
It's longer than yours.

- No, it's not.
- I measured it

- from the base up here.
- I measured it

from the top of my forehead.

I have but one word:

"Justice."
Right?

Just. Us.

It's just us
on this planet earth.

We're alone, so...

We need to trust each other.

Trust. Us.

Rhymes, so you know
that it's real.

Which brings me
to the question...

Are we human...

Or are we dancers?

Plaintiff, is there any
additional evidence

besides
the defective hovercraft?

No, but look,
I was having a good time.

The problem is that this guy
sold us a bunk hovercraft,

and now we're gonna have
a sausage fest

with no bikinis
and no straw cowboy hats,

and I don't think
you're being fair.

This isn't fair.

Mr. Walker, how do you respond
to the accusation?

Your honor, I know your time
is valuable, so I will be brief.

Um, this here
is a textbook witch hunt--

- How's he sound so real?
- That will clearly exonerate me

from all these prejudicious
and unfair charges.

This isn't a race thing, sir.

- May I approach the bench?
- Proceed.

- He knows exactly...
- You're dumb.

Your honor, as you can see,
in nine separate locations,

in accordance with
our great law, is my signs.

Ders, why aren't you
using the briefcase?

There's nothing
inside the briefcase

except for golf pencils
and baseball cards,

and slim Jim dare.

Slim Jim dare really
freaking hot beef jerky,

and you didn't
give us any of that.

This is the jalapeno kind,
and you didn't give--

- You didn't even think--
- Gentlemen, please.

This is a court of law.
It's not a feeding trough.

I had one.
I had--this one was out.

- I just--okay.
- No, no, dude, dude, come on.

I think you're making
a very good case here.

Okay, Ders's lawyering
didn't work,

so it's time for me
to do some liar-ing.

- I'm gonna lie.
- Oh, cool.

Your honor,

I do declare
that we have a star witness

that we would like
to call to the stand.

- To the what?
- To the stand.

I don't understand
the word you're saying.

To the stand, to the stand.

And we all were just
screaming, "Montez, stop,"

and he just continued
to squeeze the life

out of the poor little
girl scout's dalmatian.

- It was--it was disgusting.
- What?

- Can we get back to the case?
- Your honor.

We are just here to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth
about a vile

and disgusting man who
was trying to ruin our party.

Could you use
your regular voice, please?

This young lady

knows where I'm coming from,

- don't you, doll?
- Huh?

Do you like pool parties, miss?

Yeah.

And are you available
this Saturday,

and may I remind you
you are under oath?

I guess I don't have any plans.

Can we get back
to the case please?

Your honor,
I'm just making sure

that everybody in here
is being truthful,

such as myself holding on
to my nine-inch lap-hog,

which must be a true thing
since I am also under oath.

Uh, yeah, we all
have really big dongs.

- I swear on a stack of bibles.
- My dick's big.

I believe we've had enough
lap-hog talk for one lifetime.

I'm sorry, your honor.
Did you guys see

the "No refund" signs
at the garage sale, or no?

I certainly
did not see a sign--

- That is a lie!
- I should warn you gentlemen

that perjury laws
are swift and severe.

Mm-hmm, swift willy style,
all in there.

You may sit down.

Does the defense
have any response?

Yes, I do.
I also have a star witness

who can prove
beyond a reasonable doubt

that these sucker-necks
are lying.

Defense calls Waymond Womano.

Oh, [bleep], this is bad.

He saw everything.
We can't let him testify.

If he testifies, we're gonna go
to jail for perjury.

- You should've told me that.
- I thought you knew.

I choose to accept
this mission.

Uh...

State your name
for the court record, please.

What the heck's that?

What the...

What the hell?

Court is adjourned
till tomorrow.

Yeah.

Adjourning's the best.
Obviously we're adjourning

'cause you have rats
in your vents.

That's the first smart thing
you done all day.

You're at the courthouse.

Y'all slick, you're real slick.

I know y'all threw
that dookie bag.

But we back tomorrow,
and Waymond is pissed.

You messed up his church shoes,
and look at my good suit.

How about we settle
out of court?

You know, we'll take you
to Ruby Tuesday's,

we'll buy you
a root-beer and a burger.

The only thing y'all
gonna be eating is ass salad.

Talking about prison
for in and around 30 days.

Good luck.

Oh, man, we're going to jail,

and I never got to Eiffel Tower
a chick with one of you guys.

We're not gonna go to jail
if Waymond doesn't testify.

Oh, we're eating
ass salad, man.

I'm gonna ha
a big bowl of ass salad.

You heard Tez.
Waymond's snitching tomorrow.

Not we get to him tonight.

Shut up, stay right there!

- And drive!
- Whoops! Hey!

Don't talk though.
Don't talk though.

Waymond Womano,
we can't be responsible

for what happens if you show up
in court tomorrow.

But we can be very responsible
if you--

if you don't...do that.

Yeah, stick your hand
in this bag.

Do it! You feel that?
Those are the eyeballs of kids

that we plucked
out of their heads!

And this?
This is intestines.

No, Blake.
We're, uh--

Dude #1, we told you
he's not blindfolded.

He's not blindfolded.
He can see that it's spaghetti.

Well, this is spaghetti
that a dude was eating,

- but we killed him.
- Yeah!

And we'll kill you too.

- Yeah, we killed his ass.
- Are you ready to die?

Oh, that's the game
you want to play?

- Oh, okay.
- Dig your own grave, bud.

Yeah, dig the fricking grave,

you marshmallow-looking
mother.

- What?
- Heh, heh...

- Little help?
- Oh.

- Just throw--hurry up.
- Yeah.

- Go falcons!
- Thank you.

Hey, nice arm.

It's a shovel, not a broom.

- Come on, jeez.
- That's what you got?

Harder. He's throwing it
on his shoe--shoes.

You really suck at this.
He sucks at this.

Jesus Christ, you're horrible.

I'm actually
not very good either.

Well, you're holding
the spaghetti.

We told you not
to bring the spaghetti.

I'm gonna go
get some more shovels.

Yeah.

I'm actually really proud
of us, guys.

This hole
is freaking impressive.

- It's crazy.
- Whoa, dude, look,

you're gonna kill yourself
if you don't start lifting

with your body
instead of your arm muscles.

Well, my arm muscles
are my body, Ders.

In fact, I think
they're most of it.

I think we can all agree
that the most important thing

to do is come
from the top here.

- Yeah.
- Because all the leverage

when you're going--ow!

- Aah!
- Wait, what happened?

- I think...
- What happened?

- Splinter.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's painful, that's painful,
that's very painful.

Waymond? Waymond?
Wait, Waymond!

- Waymond!
- Waymond!

Waymond, wait, wait!
Maybe we went too far!

Uh, we were just trying
to scare you out of testifying.

It's us, the bull[bleep] boys!

Well, we shouldn't have
let him wait

- in the car to get warm.
- Really boner move on our part.

Yeah, now we're gonna
go to prison for perjury.

- And liar-ing even.
- Oh, man.

Hot dudes like us do not do well
in prison, guys.

We are like three fresh meat
butt sticks just waiting

- for a dry rub.
- Oh, God, Blake's right.

His American Idol hairdo,
your norse-ness.

My pecs, my hammies.
My gluts, man!

They're just waiting
for a good dicking.

- Oh, we're gonna get pounded.
- Maybe, like,

over time, it, like--
it gets okay.

It's just skin
after all, right?

- What?
- I don't know.

I'm just trying to be, like,
a "glass half full" guy.

You're gonna have an ass
half full of prison [bleep].

So what should we do right now?

Should we go get hamburgers?

Eat a bunch of hamburgers
right now and get fat?

So the dudes won't want
to butt-fun us?

- We'll get fat, we'll get ugly.
- We have to beat the pretty

out of each other.

All right, well,
how do we go about doing that?

I don't know. What do you say,
we count to three,

and all, like, just punch
each other, same time?

- To the right?
- Yeah, to the right.

I don't want
to call you guys bitches,

but you guys are bitches.

You're bitches.

You guys wouldn't be able to
hurt me, my face is very hard.

Growing up, all the bullies
were, like, "Holy [bleep], man.

- Your face so hard."
- Right.

"It hurts my hand
when I punch."

I need something
much harder to hit it.

- Whoa! Uh...
- Dude, whoa.

- You want me to blast you?
- No, no, no.

Let's just, uh,
we'll tell him we fought.

- No, yeah, good--good call.
- You all right, man?

Adam, Adam, you okay?

- Adam.
- Sorry.

Come on, okay, oh...

Did I get you?
Did I get you good?

- Did I get you good?
- Uh, no.

But Ders got me a--
a cracked rib for sure.

We fought, and, uh,
Blake curbed me.

- Just destroyed my face.
- Yeah, twice.

I can see that.
I can see that.

You look bad, dude.
You look bad.

- Okay, let's--
- You look bad, dude.

- This way.
- This--yeah.

- Let's go home.
- Whoo!

Oh, great,
the sun's coming up soon.

Guess we'll be walking
straight to the courthouse.

Hey, guys, when the judge
reads our sentences,

- just don't cry.
- Yeah, definitely.

Band of brajs, we got this.

Does it smell
like burnt tires in here?

Smell, like, a little
like something's burning?

- No.
- Nice of you

- to join us, gentlemen.
- Sorry, your honor,

but took a one-and-a-half
in my pants on the elevator.

Yes, that, uh,
definitely happened,

but we won't bother you
with our whole morning.

- No, uh...
- That's why we're late,

'cause I-I-I [bleep]
and pissed my pants--

- Adam, don't.

We're ready
to take responsibility

for whatever Waymond
told you we did.

Before Mr. Womano testifies,
I understand that he has

some physical evidence that may
be pertinent to this case.

I got pictures of y'all
in front of my signs.

You gonna fry.
Some ass salad.

I mean...

Whoo, wow, I'm hairy.

I fail to see the relevance
of any of this.

Sir, my wife Colleen
is taking a photography class

at the learning annex and
she needed a sexy model, so...

Just move ahead
at your discretion.

Oh, bam!
There it is!

Well, would you look at that?
Seems like Mr. Walker's

been telling the truth
the whole time.

Oh, this one has a little
"play" icon in the corner.

Shall I play it and see
what we can surmise from this?

Did you see Monteezy
work his magic?

I sold these fools
a broke-ass hovercraft.

That's what they get for never
inviting me to their parties.

Now let's go get
some tacos and free smoothies.

You're killing me, Waymond!

After reviewing the evidence,

the court finds
in favor of the plaintiffs.

The defendant is ordered
to pay repair costs

in their entirety.

Did you just see the video?

You won, gentlemen.

- What? Oh!
- We won?

- Whoo!
- We did it!

Whoo, we won!
We won!

Whoo, this party sucks!

All right, a maniac,
I like it, very cool.

Hey, don't be shy, dudes.
Come on up and take a picture

with the picture
of the Rancho Chupacabraj.

Come on, we got one picture
for $10,

two pictures for $5, so....

Just take two. Two.
It's a cheaper deal.

Yo, blaze, any day now.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, guys,

I just want to, uh,
take this opportunity

to say welcome to our premier
beach house party of the summer!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Okay, you guys don't
seem amped, and I get that.

It's about 98%
to 99% dudes here.

- It's mostly dudes.
- Yeah.

That's okay, though, 'cause
once this bitch gets soaring,

- it's gonna be a chick stampede.
- That's right.

Let's take off those straw
cowboy hats, though,

'cause those
are for the chicks.

- Hey, look!
- Oh! Oh!

- Hey, come in!
- No, no.

- Yeah, yeah, she's with me.
- Let's go, let's go.

[Bleep] this.

- Aah!
- Oh...

That was not our fault.

- Oh, fudge.
- That's not our fault.

Oh, my God.
Are you--are you boys okay?

Yeah, if you mean
almost getting decapitated

by your sharp-ass fence,
then yeah. Ow! Ow!

Why is your fence
so sharp, dude?

Are you kidding? You just
drove a boat through my yard.

Well, we'll just have to see
how that holds up

-in small claims court.
- Whoo!

Yeah, that's right.
You better lawyer down, sir.

I am a lawyer.
And with this kind of damage,

I'm gonna bring you
to big boy court.

Well, then, [bleep], sir.

Nice.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0