Original subtitles

Good morning!

You guys are such slobs. Thank God I hired a maid. Jesus.

What a beautiful day.

I went hiking, I got my usual Starbucks, I'm ready to eat life!

(groans)

Why don't you eat me, Reggie, 'cause you're too fucking loud! (groans)

Yeah. Would you dial it down a notch? We both have pounding headaches.

Well, from what I overheard last night,

your heads aren't the only things that got pounded. Were you fisting or something?

No. And our door was shut.

There's no way you could've overheard our lovemaking.

Lovemaking?

The screams I heard sounded more like childbirth with no epidural.

You two would keep Helen Keller awake.

♪Where the bears are We wanna be♪

SEASON 7: EPISODE 2 BEARS OF NOTE

So fucking what, Reggie!

So we were pounding each other for hours, balls deep in the bedroom!

You have a problem with that, of all people?

I don't. I was doing the same thing with my hookup from GROWLr last night.

Yeah, he was this hot muscle daddy with an ass that was just like...

What's this? Did you guys leave me a little note?

No.

What's it say?

Well, I'll tell you what it says, Nelson.

It says, "You hairy fuck, I'm gonna kill you."

- What? - That is weird.

Not really.

I think it was from my hookup from last night.

He was really into BDSM role play.

And I was his sub, so I think this is his way of saying, "Thank you."

He's harmless.

Guys, what the hell is that?

Who is...? Is that Cyril?

Here's today's first meltdown.

Welcome back to Desert Living With Donna.

I'm your host Donna DeCarlo.

I'm here with infamous serial killer, and newly released, ex-convict Cyril Bowers.

Released?! What the hell are they talking about, released?

Baby, we were trying to tell you about this last week

but you were busy shooting your pilot.

Cyril's appeal went through. He's being released from prison on a technicality.

Apparently, his 6th Amendment right to adequate council was violated.

- Because his lawyer was fucking the DA. - Oh, God.

Yeah, and he's living in that condo that he was in out here.

Remember the one where he almost killed you with that giant needle?

Yeah, I remember, Wood.

Cyril, tell me, what's it like to finally be a free man,

living in a beautifully decorated tasteful condominium, I might add.

Thanks Donna. It feels fantastic.

I'm totally rehabilitated,

I'm no longer a threat to society,

Mmm.

- I credit my therapist for that. - Mmm.

But primarily my love for interior design.

Check out these swatches I've selected for my window treatments I'll be installing.

Those are beautiful.

Now tell me, if I happen to call ya sometime, would you like to grab a drink?

Uh, I like men.

Yeah, so do I.

I cannot believe that they let that psycho out of prison.

And he's here in town with us?

Come on, honey, it's gonna be fine, come on. Bring it in.

He's a different person now, Nelson.

I've been doing my show with him for over a year. He wouldn't hurt a fly. (his phone is vibrating)

- Oh, Jesus. - Who's that?

It's Rami. He wants to sneak away from the Prince and come out and visit me here this week.

He keeps hinting about something big he wants to discuss.

I'm so afraid he's gonna pop the question.

Whether or not the rumors are true that you've had anal rejuvenation surgery.

No, Wood! I'm afraid he's gonna propose marriage.

I mean, I love Rami, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of lifelong commitment.

(all chuckle)

Let me help you out, Reggie.

You're not, okay?

You can't even commit to calling your own mother on her birthday.

(gasps) Was that yesterday?!

Can we please get back to the fact that this nutcase is out of jail

and he's probably gonna try to kill me again?

Yeah, but prison made him even hotter.

Yeah, it did.

Et tu, Todd?

What?

For the eight billionth time,

it is step, ball, change, kick!

Step, ball, change, kick!

Turn, turn, turn!

Land, settle, now look!

Listen up, you hirsute hippopotami,

I cast you as the feature dancers because I thought you could handle it,

but don't think I won't replace you

as soon as I look at your dirty, hairy assholes again!

Now let's try it again.

Five, six, seven, eight,

step, turn, kick... No!

Start again!

Five, six, seven, eight, step...

Reggie, you made it!

Tristan!

And these must be your friends.

- Hey. I'm Nelson. - Wood Burns.

- Todd. - You probably recognize me.

You know, Reggie, I am so grateful that you agreed to be a judge for this year's pageant.

This is our 30th anniversary, and as the owner and founder of Mr. Bear America,

I'm just bound and determined to make this the biggest and the best pageant ever.

How could I say no? It's an amazing cause.

The pageant raises millions for AIDS charities every year.

Oh, I know. I actually thought about entering the contest.

Several years ago.

Oh, Reggie, do you know my husband, Wyatt?

Yes, of course. Nice to see you again, Wyatt.

I hear you're plugging that book of yours out here during Bear Week.

What's it called again? Bearly... Literate?

Wyatt, stop it!

It's called "Bearly Alive", and I'm doing a big signing tomorrow, big!

I'll be sure to set a copy aside for you.

I'm doing a big promotion this week too.

Sporting Wood is having a pool party to promote our new video release,

"Ass Play on the Orient Express", you should come.

Charming.

I'll be sure to add it to my Netflix queue.

(laughs)

Put some lotion on that burn.

Clearly, the step, I'll change.

It's too advanced for you rotund rhinosauri.

So let's try this.

You go this direction, you go this direction.

It's walk, walk, walk, walk.

Well, that's fantastic. You can't even do that. Let's try it again.

Hey, are you in the contest too?

- Him? Oh my... Definitely not. - (chuckles)

He is not in the competition. That is hysterical.

Yeah, me neither. I'm just here to support my cub, Hunter, Mr. Bear Texas.

Walk, walk, walk. Not like elephants!

He's, uh, he's pretty good.

Uh, I guess so. I'm not sure why he wants to be in the pageant,

but whatever makes him happy.

Places! Five, six, seven, eight

and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

And back and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight and...

(screams)

Holy fucking God!

- Oh my God! I think my ankle's broken! - Somebody call an ambulance!

Why me?! Why...?

Oh my God!

Great, the hot one.

♪Where the bears are We wanna be♪

♪Where the bears are Where the bears are♪