Original subtitles

INQUISITIVE CHANNEL

In two weeks,

be sure to tune in for our special episode

atop Big Bear Mountain,

where Reggie will bravely recount his first

harrowing confrontation with Jeremy Richards.

In a Murder Time exclusive,

I will relive those traumatic events

for the first time in four years...

excluding my best-selling book on the subject

and 17 interviews I did

with various media outlets over the years.

So to all our loyal viewers out there...

call me a whore and drill me like an oil rig!

I don’t see that on the cue cards anywhere.

I’m-I’m…

I’m sorry, what I meant to say was...

get over here because I want that hot ass on my face!

- Should we take a break? - Yes, please!

♪Where the bears are, We wanna be♪

SEASON 6 EPISODE 3: A BEAR'S WIFE

INQUISITIVE CHANNEL

Your Highness, I am so, so sorry.

I have this awkward condition

that flares up every now and then.

It’s kind of like sexual Tourette’s--

Oh, don’t apologize.

You just gave me a raging hard on.

Oh?

Rami, would you give us some privacy, please?

No, it’s my job to stay by your side at all times.

Look, Rami, if you’re angling for a three way...

He has no sense of humor, just ignore him.

Reggie, I am so looking forward

to working together and getting to know each other better.

Me, too!

I am an open zipper...

I-I mean open book.

It’s been a dream of mine

to be involved in the television industry.

I like to think of myself as the Arab Andy Cohen.

I love Andy Cohen!

And hot Arab men! Did I forget to mention that?

You mentioned it six times.

Shut up, Rami!

I don’t only want to be behind the scenes

but in front of the camera as well.

After I take over,

I am going to address the viewers

in a live broadcast and streaming event

to talk about our future programming goals.

Wow!

Well, if there’s anything I can do to assist you...

There is one thing.

My people tell me

your friend is a regular on my favorite TV show,

Law & Order: Male Rape Unit.

Yes, do you want to meet Nelson?

Oh, no.

He overacts too much and can be really annoying.

But I would die if I got to meet Toby Marsden!

I follow his Twitter feed!

He’s going to be shooting this week!

Well, I will make it happen.

Oh, it will be our first date.

I must tell you, Reggie,

you are exactly the type of man that drives me wild with desire!

I mean, as a prince, you must have all kinds

of men falling over themselves to date you.

Yes, but you know, most of them are simple-minded,

unripe boys with skinny, hairless bodies.

They’re not cultured and mature like you.

You are the embodiment of my dream man.

Let me show you a picture of some of my past lovers, here.

What the hell? They’re all like 80 years old!

They're like guests at the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel!

So sexy, just my type, like you.

I am not your type.

Stop saying I’m your type. I am not your type!

- You’re my type. - I am not your type.

- You are! You are my type! - No! No!

So the “MRU” stands for “Male Rape Unit”

It means every episode's about rape.

- Hi. - Hey, Nelson,

I just want to say that was one of the best

Beef Wellingtons I’ve ever had.

Well, thank you. I’m glad you liked it.

Yeah, delicious.

I hope you saved room for dessert,

French apple tart.

Uh, none for me, thanks.

Laureen, I thought Nick said

that you love the pants off a French apple tart.

No, I don’t like sweets.

But why would my husband know that?

He rarely listens to me.

I’ve told him a dozen times to pull out early

because I don’t like to swallow and then just last night--

You know what?

I bet I can guess how that story ends, and that is a trip.

Aren’t men the worst?

So selfish sometime, I swear.

How about some coffee?

- Sure! - Good idea.

- Great idea. - Yes.

But after that, we have to go.

Actually, Todd told us

that you’re shooting a really big scene tomorrow

- for your TV show. - I am. It’s very dramatic.

In tomorrow’s episode,

I find out that my friend on the show is a serial rapist,

who raped an entire football team during halftime.

Yeah, I shoot him, I kill him.

- Hero. - Wow.

I don’t want to jinx myself,

but if all goes well, I smell a SAG Award.

That is so exciting!

You guys have such fascinating careers.

I just have an art history degree from Sweet Briar College.

I should’ve listened to my mother

when she said, “Oh, darling, how lovely.

Now you can interpret the paintings

on the walls of Bloomingdale’s

while spraying perfume on customers for $9.50 an hour.”

- Such a bitch! - Okay, darling?

Did you forget to take your meds before we came here?

No, darling, I did take them!

Why? Should we up the dosage?

Am I embarrassing you again?

Just a little bit, just a little bit.

You’ll have to excuse my wife,

she’s struggling with some anxiety issues.

Oh, that’s nice!

Why don’t you just broadcast that to the whole world?

- I-I never would have known. - Couldn’t tell at all.

You know, it’s such a double standard.

Nick can blab my secrets to anyone who will listen,

but I can’t say a word about his because he claims that his are

“classified by the US government."

His flagrant infidelities, his occasional crossdressing,

Todd getting that big promotion!

What? I got it?

Yes, Stevens.

It’s yours. Approval came down today.

I am so proud of you!

- I can’t believe it. - Congratulations.

Oh, it is so nice

to be around a couple that’s so clearly in love.

Keep it together, Laureen, keep it together.

Yes, keep it together.

We still have to work out some of the assignment details,

but by this time next week

you should be relocated to Moscow.

Oh, Moscow?

Okay, that’s exciting. For how long?

- Three years. - Three years?

It’s a very complicated deep-undercover assignment.

Naturally all communication between you and your spouse

is strictly prohibited for the duration of the mission.

Uh, wow.

It’s a great opportunity first of all, thank you.

You’re welcome.

Uh, is it okay if I think about it?

What’s to think about?

If it were me, I’d already be at the airport buying a shit ton

of vodka at the duty free shop.

I think you’ve had enough of that.

I think we gotta go. Sweetheart?

Sweetheart?

Dinner’s over now.

No, it’s not. You’re eating your sugar.

No, we’re having coffee right now.

You’re eating your sugar.

- You're eating your lard. - You’re shaking, you’re shaking. Okay, sweetheart?

Darling?

I’ve been thinking...

Uh-oh, that’s never a good thing.

I want you to take the assignment.

What?

Nelson, you heard what he said,

it’s three years with no contact!

Yeah, I know, but we’ll get by.

We’ll manage, you know?

Somehow.

I just-- I can’t stop thinking about

what an important part of keeping our country

safe you are.

I mean, who knows what you could do over there?

You might stop a terrorist attack

or even nuclear war, who knows?

So, you really want me to do this?

Well, no, I don’t.

But, I don’t know,

I think about all the American families

who sacrificed through the years,

and, you know, maybe it’s our turn to sacrifice, too?

Good, text Nick.

Tell him you’ll take the assignment.

No, I-I can’t.

I can’t accept it.

Think about it, Nelson, it’s three years.

That’s three Christmases, three birthdays, three anniversaries,

three Valentine’s Days.

It’s three years.

It’s too much.

And I’m sorry, but the time that I value the most in the world

is the time I get to spend with you.

I’m not willing to give it up.

And it’s not because I think we couldn't survive

being apart for that long, but…

what if we change?

What if we grow, and we grow apart?

It’s possible.

I’m not willing to take that chance.

And I’m not making that decision for you or for us...

it’s a decision I make for me.

That’s what I need.

And there are other guys

that are just as capable and qualified

and would jump at the opportunity, and you know what?

Good for them. Go get ‘em, guys.

None of them get to come home

and sleep next to you every night.

I do, and maybe it makes me selfish,

but I’m not willing

to give it up for a promotion or a paycheck or a chance

to save the world, when the only world

that I care about is right here in this bed.

You're okay?

Now that’s my decision, and that’s what feels right to me.

So, that’s what I’m gonna do.

I love you.

And all I can say is…

thank God, because I can’t imagine

not seeing you for three years.

Well, you’ll probably

see a lot more of me starting tomorrow 'cause I’m sure

Nick is going to fire my ass as soon

as I tell him that.

Yeah? Well, it’s a hot ass.

- It's a hot ass. - It is.

- You got a hot ass. - That’s your response?

- Yeah. - It’s a hot ass?

And I would miss it for three years

if it wasn’t here, honestly.

- I love you. - Love you.

♪Where the bears are, We wanna be♪

♪Where the bears are, Where the bears are♪