Original subtitles

Hey, Stevens,

you're still seeing that guy who hocks adult diapers on TV?

Well, he doesn't do that anymore,

but, yes, he is my husband for two years now.

- Very cool. - Congrats, Stevens.

- Gay married? - Yeah.

Look at you.

Say, which one's the wife and which one's the husband...

if you know what I mean?

Which part fits where?

Really, that's none of your fucking business, Hooper.

Just fuckin' with you. I love you, Stevens.

Even though you're a big ol' homo.

Well, I love you, too, man.

Man, Stevens, I saw you working out in the gym.

You look good for an old timer.

The boss isn't around,

so you can knock it off with the digs.

No digs, just paying you a compliment.

Yeah.

Feel free to compliment me if you see anything you like.

I'm married.

Last week I drilled Putin's defense minister while

licking Russian caviar off the back of his neck.

He was wearing a wedding ring, too.

Yeah, okay.

I hope you won't hold it against me when I take that promotion.

I hope you won't hold it against me when I tell you to fuck off.

What the...? Okay! Come on! All right!

So, this is awkward.

Our junk is touching.

Mission accomplished.

♪Where the bears are We wanna be♪

SEASON 6 EPISODE 2 BEARS IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT

INQUISITIVE CHANNEL

They're firing you?

Yeah, well, the official reason is

they need the money for Cyril's expanded dressing room.

That's outrageous! I'm good! I'm good!

I'm sending my son to grad school.

That's not cheap, you know.

Cyril's getting a bigger dressing room

and I'm not?

Reggie, could you put a good word in for me, please?

I'd be happy as a tick on a fat dog's ass.

Of course, Frank, anything for you.

You know I'm always here for you, right?

Step aside, Sling Blade! Hot Arab at 2 o'clock!

Sorry, only people connected to the show

can speak to the prince, and I don't recognize you.

Oh, it's okay, Rami. He works here.

I don't just work here,

I am the star of the show!

Didn't you see the giant poster of me hanging on the wall

- as you came in? - Oh, no, no, no.

I had that removed until the one with both of us

is ready now that we have equal billing.

Well, I certainly know who you are.

Prince Omar Al-Fayeed, new owner

of the Inquisitive Channel and a huge fan of your work.

Oh, well, thank you.

I'm a huge fan of hot, hairy...

...Arab men with lots of money.

I was just telling Cyril,

although the channel is under new management,

Murder Time with Reggie Hatch--

and Cyril Bowers.

Well, actually if you were to go by Q ratings,

it should be "Murder Time with Cyril Bowers...

and Reggie Hatch."

Bam!

Well, I consider Murder Time to be our flagship series,

and it will play a crucial role in our future plans.

Oh?

- Watch out! Watch out! - What the hell?

Assassin, assassin!

That is not an assassin, you idiot.

That's Eddie. He's just here to make sure

Cyril doesn't try to chew someone's face off.

Everybody's so jumpy when I'm around,

but I'm really just a pussycat.

Meow!

My apologies, Your Highness.

(buzzer sounds)

Oh, they need me and Cyril on set.

Don't go too far, Your Highness.

I would love to show you around later.

Maybe we can start with my dressing room?

Let's go.

Do you think they suspect why we're really here?

No, I think we're good.

It's not exactly a brain trust around here.

ONE DAY BEFORE THE MURDER

What's the issue now, Dorkoff?

We are already an hour behind schedule,

and I'm supposed to be at home cooking

dinner for my husband's boss.

Where the hell is Toby?

Toby will be here.

He's wrapping up a meeting with the producers right now.

Oh, no, no, no, please, God. Scott, tell me you're

not making him a series regular.

Relax. You're going to shoot and kill him

just as I wrote in the original script, all right?

- Thank me! - Thank you, Jesus.

Yeah, we're developing a new sitcom

and a character just for him.

- He is huge in social media. - Huge.

I've got to think of a good name for that.

What about, Everybody Loves Toby?

- Everybody does love Toby. - That Darn Toby.

- That Darn Toby. - What's Up with Toby?

- What's Up with Toby? - Toby is so darn funny!

- Toby! Toby! Toby! - Toby! Toby! Toby!

- What about Not Dorkoff ? - Yeah, exactly.

Powder me.

Stay strong, Nelson. He will be gone soon,

and everything will be back to normal.

I sure hope so, because I am at my wit's end.

- What is it, Kenny? - Oh, no, nothing.

Kenny? Tell me, you're my best friend.

You're the only person that talks to me on this entire set.

Toby tweeted about you again.

Oh, God!

"What do you get when you breed Nelson Dorkoff with a groundhog?

Six more weeks of bad acting."

That's terrible, that's terrible.

I'm gonna go. I'll see you later.

God, I hate him!

Give me some concealer, please?

More.

More, please.

I call this board of directors' meeting

for Sporting Wood Limited to order.

I shall now commence with the roll call.

Creative Director and Head Designer George Ridgemont?

Check.

Chief Model and Resident Beefcake Chuck Chambers.

Check. Founder and CEO Woodrow Burns.

Woodrow Burns!

I can't believe he didn't show.

That's you, Wood.

Oh, right. Oh, right.

Check. So...

now, first order of business: company expansion plans.

Well, I just invested in a new dick pump

that gives me an even more pronounced bulge.

That's great, Chuck. But I think we can go even bigger.

Well, sure, as long as I can submit the bill

for penis-enlargement surgery as a company expense.

No, what I'm talking about is starting a film division!

Oh, Wood, that's a wonderful idea.

I have always been a frustrated filmmaker,

ever since I was ten years old and I did a shot-by-shot remake

of Cecil B. DeMille's The Ten Commandments.

I cast my cousin as Moses and I played Nefretiri,

originally played by the amazing Ann Baxter.

"Oh, Moses, Moses, you lovable, adorable fool, you!"

I want to make porn films!

I don't know, Wood.

When I signed on for this,

I didn't expect to be starring in porn movies.

You don't have to worry about that, I'm gonna be the star.

You just have to have sex with me on camera.

Oh, well, in that case, no problem.

And as the auteur, in the tradition

of my creative inspirations Hitchcock, Truffaut,

and of course, Almodovar,

I will assemble all of the elements into a bold,

fresh, exciting mise-en-scène.

Yeah, about that, George, I think that we need to have

an experienced porn director on the set,

so I've already put in a call to Sebastian St. James.

That man is a hack!

He has no creative style, no sense of vision.

His last film,

that musical Rimming in the Rain was a critical disaster.

I mean, who eats ass in a thunderstorm?

Well, I'm sorry, George, my mind is made up.

You can't be the director, but you could be on-set fluffer.

Mmm, so,

you think I'm going to spend hours on end, on my knees,

sucking on hot porn-star cock, just to earn my paycheck?

Uh, yah.

You are so right!

We're making a movie!

♪Where the bears are We wanna be♪

♪Where the bears are Where the bears are♪