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1
00:00:00,334 --> 00:00:01,627
JUDGE McBRIDE
2
00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:04,670
Nelson Dorkoff, you are charged
with the crime of murder
3
00:00:04,754 --> 00:00:06,006
in the first degree.
4
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,551
How do you plead?
5
00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:13,429
One hundred percent, without a
doubt, not guilty, Your Honor!
6
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,274
Order! Order!
7
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:34,993
♪Where the bears are,
We wanna be♪
8
00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:42,000
SEASON 6
EPISODE 1 BAD NEWS BEARS
9
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,879
TWO DAYS BEFORE THE MURDER
10
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:51,176
Sorry I'm late. I had
to clean out.
11
00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:53,010
I mean, "clean up."
12
00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:01,143
Jeremy?
13
00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,064
Did you miss me, Reggie-Reg?
14
00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:10,736
Face-to-face with
a deranged serial killer.
15
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:13,906
How did you ever handle such a
difficulty situation, Reggie?
16
00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:16,659
Well, I've had a lot of practice
sitting here next to you
17
00:01:16,742 --> 00:01:18,411
for the last
three months, Cyril.
18
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,539
Ever since the
Inquisitive Channel's
19
00:01:20,621 --> 00:01:25,251
inexplicable decision to make
you my Murder Time cohost.
20
00:01:25,334 --> 00:01:27,336
FYI, your numbers
are up 40 percent
21
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,131
since they brought me on.
22
00:01:29,213 --> 00:01:31,048
I guess serial killers
translate into "killer" ratings.
23
00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:33,551
Yes. Well, be that as it may,
24
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,804
you cannot imagine the shock
25
00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:38,765
of seeing Jeremy Richards
after all these years...
26
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:42,477
The man who was so determined
to make me his next victim,
27
00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:43,604
the man we all thought
28
00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:46,522
had perished that day
in the mountains of Big Bear.
29
00:01:46,939 --> 00:01:48,608
The last thing on my mind
30
00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:50,651
was running
into him at a cruisy park
31
00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:54,364
in the heart
of Mexico four years later.
32
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:56,616
And I can't wait to see what
happened in our reenactment.
33
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,451
Right after we take this
brief commercial break.
34
00:01:58,534 --> 00:01:59,786
Back in 90 seconds.
35
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:00,954
Okay.
36
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:04,040
Todd, where are you going?
The show's not over yet.
37
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,418
Come on, man.
We know this story.
38
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,544
You've only told us
like 50 times.
39
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,796
I am proud of my
bravery, Todd.
40
00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:13,634
I stared death
in the face, and I won!
41
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,052
What would you know
about that?
42
00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:17,387
I do it every day.
43
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,139
Speaking of which,
I need to get to work,
44
00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:20,766
while I still have a job.
45
00:02:20,848 --> 00:02:22,768
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
What's that supposed to mean?
46
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:25,479
Ever since Gavin Kelly
left the agency,
47
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:28,273
the new boss has been talking
about "restructuring."
48
00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:30,317
And, you know,
as the last guy hired,
49
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,110
I'm likely to be
the first one fired.
50
00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:34,195
Well, wait a minute.
They can't get rid of you.
51
00:02:34,278 --> 00:02:36,490
You're a superstar
at that agency!
52
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:40,159
Without you, our whole national
security would be at risk!
53
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:43,663
You know, our enemies would test
us, our allies would retreat.
54
00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,582
It'd be almost like
the whole world
55
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:47,251
was on the brink of collapse!
56
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:48,502
And hasn't that already
happened
57
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,711
since the last election?
58
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:53,423
Anyway, I appreciate the faith
you're putting in me,
59
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,634
but just... I want you to be
prepared in case I get canned.
60
00:02:56,717 --> 00:02:58,846
Well, don't worry,
if you do lose your job,
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00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:01,348
I'm still making plenty
of money on Law and Order: MRU .
62
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:04,768
We just found out that we got an
early pickup for another season,
63
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,603
and my agent thinks they're
64
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,730
going to bring me back
for nine episodes.
65
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:12,025
Hey, guys! Does this cock ring
make my nuts look bigger?
66
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:15,445
W-What are you doing?
Put some clothes on! God!
67
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,615
I'm practicing my stroking
technique for a porn audition.
68
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:21,993
What porn audition? You haven't
starred in a film since 1998.
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00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,787
Yeah, I didn't want to brag,
70
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:27,875
but I got asked to audition
for the same director
71
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:29,918
who did Butt Pirates
of the Caribbean:
72
00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:32,462
Hard Dicks Tell Many Tales.
73
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:34,463
Oh, my dick actually
has a nickname...
74
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,633
I don't know if you know
this: "Beer Can Bob."
75
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,927
Are you sure it shouldn't
be "Footlong Frank?"
76
00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:40,971
Because, Jesus Christ, Wood!
77
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,681
How have I never
seen his dick?
78
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:43,724
"Well, hello there, Nelson!
79
00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:46,018
My name's Bob.
How are you?"
80
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,061
Quit waving that
in my face, Wood!
81
00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,731
Hey, Todd. Will you give me
a ride to my audition?
82
00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:52,149
I just need to throw
some shorts on.
83
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:54,109
Hmm? Yeah, whatever.
84
00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:55,611
Just hurry up!
I can't be late for work today.
85
00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:57,945
Okay. Hey, wish me luck, guys.
86
00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:00,949
Wood Burns: Gay Porn Star
is back, bitches.
87
00:04:02,074 --> 00:04:03,034
The show's back on.
88
00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:13,795
HELLO, POLICE?
89
00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:16,380
I NEED YOUR HELP IMMEDIATELY!
90
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:21,260
Reggie, you never
cease to amaze me.
91
00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:24,223
Hey! You know what
amazes me, guys?
92
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,140
- Lightning.
- Shut up, Wood!
93
00:04:26,225 --> 00:04:28,143
I am so glad you're okay!
94
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:31,187
I had no idea
you knew karate moves!
95
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,564
You're so brave!
96
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:35,233
Thanks, guys.
97
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:36,735
I cleaned out for nothing.
98
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,072
So, what did you think?
99
00:04:40,154 --> 00:04:42,615
"I'm so glad you're okay!
100
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:45,576
I had no idea
you knew karate moves!"
101
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:47,538
I don't sound like that!
102
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,622
And that guy doesn't look
anything like me.
103
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,040
Well, don't blame me,
Nelson.
104
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,460
I submitted your acting reel
to the casting director.
105
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,169
He just didn't feel you were
convincing enough for the part.
106
00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:58,048
Not convincing enough?
To play myself?
107
00:04:58,382 --> 00:04:59,298
Give me a break!
108
00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:02,176
That kid who's playing you
is probably 20 years old
109
00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:03,427
and with a full head of hair.
110
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,264
How is that convincing enough?
111
00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:08,099
I thought the actors
playing both of us were spot on.
112
00:05:08,182 --> 00:05:09,350
What did you think, Todd?
113
00:05:12,728 --> 00:05:15,439
Come on, Reggie, Nelson
isn't nearly that effeminate...
114
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:16,649
Yeah, see.
115
00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:18,651
...most of the time.
116
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:19,610
Wood, come on,
it's time to go!
117
00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:21,028
Let's go!
118
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:22,990
Wood, thank you so much
for coming in.
119
00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:24,657
I'm sorry we couldn't
make you an offer,
120
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:27,827
but the investor's insisting
that we see tapes on everyone.
121
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,245
Not a problem, Billy.
122
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,413
I'm a team player.
123
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,374
Hey, big fan,
by the way!
124
00:05:32,456 --> 00:05:35,459
I must have jacked off
seven times to that sci-fi movie
125
00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:37,420
where you get topped
by Darth Invader.
126
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:38,422
Thanks.
127
00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:39,882
I won best bottom
in a submissive role
128
00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,591
at the Golden Dickie
Awards for that one.
129
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,052
Well deserved, sir.
Well deserved.
130
00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:45,512
Okay, great.
131
00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:48,182
Are there any questions
before we begin?
132
00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:49,599
I think I got this, Billy.
133
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:51,225
I've been doing it a while.
134
00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:52,185
Great.
135
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:55,730
Ready and action.
136
00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:59,776
Dad, why can't you
just accept me for who I am?
137
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,862
'Cause you've been a bad boy!
138
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:06,408
And Daddy's gonna show you
just how bad you've been!
139
00:06:06,490 --> 00:06:08,784
Get over here!
Spank this babe!
140
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,495
- Wait!
- Spank this bad boy!
141
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:12,206
Wood, did you read the script?
142
00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:15,250
No, I never read the script.
143
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:17,084
But it's playing a daddy, right?
144
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,045
I've played plenty
of those, trust me.
145
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:21,465
I think I know what you want.
146
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:24,384
On your knees, Goldilocks!
147
00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:28,847
Papa Bear wants to squirt
his porridge all over your face!
148
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,515
Wood, Wood!
149
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,477
I-I think there's
some confusion here.
150
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,062
You're not playing his "daddy,"
151
00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:37,355
you're playing
his actual father.
152
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,775
This is the opening scene
153
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:42,735
where you kick your
son out of the house
154
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,531
for being gay, and force
him to move to Vegas
155
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:48,824
to become a paid escort
for a secret society
156
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:51,620
of homosexual high rollers.
157
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:53,956
Yeah.
158
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:57,626
So when do I get naked
and have sex with someone?
159
00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:00,503
What?
160
00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:02,673
Are you kidding?
161
00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:08,762
I can't...
162
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,598
You're killing me.
You're killing me!
163
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:20,899
You're serious?
164
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:23,359
This particular role
165
00:07:23,442 --> 00:07:26,153
doesn't have nudity
or penetration.
166
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:29,074
It's a quick, fully-clothed,
167
00:07:29,156 --> 00:07:32,577
blink-and-you'll-be-missed
cameo appearance.
168
00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:37,790
But you look great!
169
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:47,884
So, can I see a script?
170
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,932
INTERNATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY
171
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:55,892
DIRECTOR FLYNN
172
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:56,935
Director Flynn,
173
00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:58,728
Nelson and I are really
looking forward to having you
174
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,355
and your wife
over for dinner tomorrow night.
175
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,858
I hope this isn't some kind
of lame bribe, Stevens.
176
00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,444
You serving me
my favorite dinner,
177
00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:08,070
so I'm less inclined
to cut your position?
178
00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:12,201
Of course not! I would never be
so obvious as to serve you...
179
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,075
Beef Wellington.
180
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,163
4 DINNER TOMORROW...
BEEF WELLINGTON
181
00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:19,040
And my wife loves
a good French apple tart.
182
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:23,754
AND FRENCH APPLE TART.
THX!
183
00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:26,673
Well, I have no idea
what menu Nelson is preparing
184
00:08:26,757 --> 00:08:28,800
so it'll be a surprise
to both of us.
185
00:08:28,884 --> 00:08:30,886
Relax, Stevens,
take it easy.
186
00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:32,513
You'll still be here
after the re-org.
187
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,847
You've done a bang
up job this past year.
188
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:37,017
We're actually eyeballing you
for a promotion.
189
00:08:37,558 --> 00:08:40,187
Really, a promo--?
Thank you.
190
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:42,146
I can't thank you enough
for all your support.
191
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,357
But nothing
in life is a free ride.
192
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:46,485
We haven't made any
final decisions yet...
193
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:50,197
but, uh, just know that there's
some competition for the job.
194
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:53,324
- Okay.
- Ah, speak of the devil.
195
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:55,993
Todd Stevens, Heath Long.
196
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,329
- Nice to meet you.
- Uh, you, too.
197
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:03,043
You look awfully familiar...
198
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:04,586
Heath got arrested running
199
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:07,296
an illegal passport scam out
of an assisted living home.
200
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,882
We were impressed
by his skills and creativity
201
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:11,843
so we offered him a choice.
202
00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:15,806
Ten years in the federal pen
or come work for us.
203
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,558
Yep. It's all
coming back to me now.
204
00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:21,770
You have a thing
for, uh, older women.
205
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:23,814
That was just straight for pay.
206
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,859
It's actually older men
who get my motor running.
207
00:09:26,942 --> 00:09:28,735
Vroom, vroom.
208
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:31,196
I'm not that much older
than you.
209
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,990
He only finished training
a few months ago,
210
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,158
and he's already proven
to be a valuable asset.
211
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,784
It's an honor meeting
a seasoned veteran
212
00:09:36,869 --> 00:09:38,620
who's been around
for as long as you have.
213
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,122
Seriously? I'm like 32.
214
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:42,832
I don't have your vast years
of experience,
215
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,669
but Nick here thinks I'll
bring some youthful vigor
216
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,128
to this place and
clear out the cobwebs.
217
00:09:48,547 --> 00:09:50,132
His words, not mine.
218
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,925
- I did say those...
- Okay.
219
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,051
...exact words.
220
00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,137
He's got a good memory.
221
00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:56,638
See how good he is
for the ISA?
222
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,273
- Toby.
- Hey, what's up, Nels?
223
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:09,400
Hey, you need to quit
tweeting mean things about me!
224
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,612
What? I'm just doing
what the network asked.
225
00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,405
They want us to help raise
social media awareness
226
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:14,615
in order to help promote
the show.
227
00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:17,116
Oh, "promote
the show," really?
228
00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:20,454
"Nelson Dorkoff is
a weird paradox.
229
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,663
Huge dick with a small penis!"
230
00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:24,958
How does that help
promote the show, Toby?
231
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,585
Yeah, how about
12,000 re-tweets
232
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,336
in less than
an hour, bitch?
233
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:31,255
What did I ever do
to make you hate me so much?
234
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:32,508
Because you're so
fucking delusional
235
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:33,841
to even think you're an actor,
236
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:35,344
which I consider
a personal insult
237
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:36,970
and a crime against humanity.
238
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,471
And I'm not the only one.
239
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:40,139
You should see what your
co-stars Teri Hatcher
240
00:10:40,224 --> 00:10:42,142
and John Stamos are
saying about you.
241
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,684
Yeah you're way out
of your league, Nelson.
242
00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:45,102
Yeah, and you know
what you are?
243
00:10:45,187 --> 00:10:47,147
You're an overrated
has-been guest star
244
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,149
who's finally going
to be killed off tomorrow!
245
00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:52,026
Really? I wouldn't
be too sure about that.
246
00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:55,989
Unbelievable.
247
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:59,076
Oh, Alan, Alan.
Come here.
248
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:04,121
Alan, okay, please God tell me
you did not rewrite the scene
249
00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:06,457
where I shoot Toby
Marsden's character
250
00:11:06,542 --> 00:11:09,336
after I find out that he raped
the entire football team.
251
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,879
Look, I've rewritten it
five times already,
252
00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,463
and I'm drowning in
network notes.
253
00:11:12,548 --> 00:11:13,881
They can't seem to make up their
minds about what they want.
254
00:11:13,966 --> 00:11:14,799
That's all.
255
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:15,884
But this is the only thing
256
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,593
that's getting me through
the last few weeks
257
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:21,139
is knowing that tomorrow is that
asshole Toby Marsden's last
258
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:22,181
day on set!
259
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,141
Oh, there's Scott
from the network.
260
00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:25,351
I should go talk to him.
261
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:26,936
I wouldn't do
that if I were you.
262
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:29,105
- Why not?
- He doesn't like you either.
263
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,357
They think you're trying to
steal focus from Teri and John.
264
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,401
Oh, terrific.
265
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,861
What? What?
Give me that.
266
00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:38,031
"Nelson Dorkoff's face
looks like a scrotum."
267
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:41,701
Oh, God.
I will kill that fucker!
268
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:45,246
♪Where the bears are
We wanna be♪
269
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,833
♪Where the bears are
Where the bears are♪
19167
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