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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,740
They're quiet bat people. Is she
sniffing these pens at night?
2
00:00:05,751 --> 00:00:08,350
What's going on inside her
abandoned barn of a brain?
3
00:00:08,351 --> 00:00:11,110
Tickle wasn't the Queen of people's
hearts, he was a twat in a tent.
4
00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:16,190
Tickle! We drove a man to his death!
We are responsible for this!
5
00:00:16,191 --> 00:00:19,670
Does this look like a bat? No.
I should challenge her? Not necessary.
6
00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:21,189
She's going to kick
her own head in.
7
00:00:21,190 --> 00:00:23,351
Which will be easy for her
because she does yoga.
8
00:00:23,352 --> 00:00:26,110
Sam, Hi, listen, can you
do me a favour?
9
00:00:26,111 --> 00:00:28,350
Buy some flowers for
Nicola fucking Murray.
10
00:00:28,351 --> 00:00:33,870
Yeah, have them delivered to her
home this evening with a card
11
00:00:33,871 --> 00:00:38,870
that says "sorry you had to go,
but let's face it,
12
00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:42,271
"you are a fucking waste of skin."
13
00:00:43,471 --> 00:00:45,390
"Waste of skin," yeah.
14
00:00:45,391 --> 00:00:47,590
Yeah, Doug, get the cattle gun
ready.
15
00:00:47,591 --> 00:00:50,030
I'm afraid it's gonna
be painful, yeah.
16
00:00:50,031 --> 00:00:52,350
But you know me,
I'm always on the look out
17
00:00:52,351 --> 00:00:54,470
for new sources of powerful opiates.
18
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:58,550
Morning, I'm looking for
Mr Oliver Reeder.
19
00:00:58,551 --> 00:01:00,991
He looks a bit like a
Quentin Blake illustration.
20
00:01:00,992 --> 00:01:04,031
Just down the corridor on the right.
21
00:01:05,511 --> 00:01:06,831
Very good, Bill, very good.
22
00:01:06,832 --> 00:01:09,670
You weren't funny in London,
you're not funny in Salford.
23
00:01:09,671 --> 00:01:13,550
Oh, do I have to do the...?
Yes, please. Matron knows best, eh?
24
00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:16,350
I do. I've got a friend who
drinks this stuff.
25
00:01:16,351 --> 00:01:17,949
Give him that,
and a bag of macadamias
26
00:01:17,950 --> 00:01:19,391
and he's made for the night.
27
00:01:19,392 --> 00:01:23,110
Hiya, Mum. Yeah, a bit sore.
28
00:01:23,111 --> 00:01:26,110
Here she is. Britain's
latest post-op transsexual.
29
00:01:26,111 --> 00:01:28,150
Do they actually
manage to graft one on?
30
00:01:28,151 --> 00:01:31,390
I'll call you back, Mum.
It's the scary Morrissey.
31
00:01:31,391 --> 00:01:34,910
I've come to cheer you up. Did you
actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?
32
00:01:34,911 --> 00:01:36,269
It's one of the many advantages
33
00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:38,151
of living close to
an accident blackspot.
34
00:01:38,152 --> 00:01:41,910
So how are things, little
boy from the Secret Garden?
35
00:01:41,911 --> 00:01:43,630
Well, you know, there's no WI-FI,
36
00:01:43,631 --> 00:01:46,270
there's basic Freeview
it's like living in 2003.
37
00:01:46,271 --> 00:01:48,110
But I am lighter to
38
00:01:48,111 --> 00:01:50,950
the tune of one whole appendix,
so I do feel very svelte.
39
00:01:50,951 --> 00:01:53,990
So have you seen this?
Nicola Murray is unelectable?
40
00:01:53,991 --> 00:01:55,510
Fleming is foaming.
41
00:01:55,511 --> 00:01:57,350
Is that it then, is she fucked?
42
00:02:00,830 --> 00:02:02,791
so we can all start firing
our actual pistols
43
00:02:02,792 --> 00:02:06,030
onto her fucking fat,
unelectable, smug head.
44
00:02:06,031 --> 00:02:07,311
How... Is this it now?
45
00:02:07,312 --> 00:02:10,630
It's on.
It's on like fat Pat's thong.
46
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,071
We're putting her on a train
47
00:02:12,072 --> 00:02:15,390
to Bradford. It's the closest
as I could get to locking her in a metal box.
48
00:02:15,391 --> 00:02:17,111
Oh, this is the "here to hear"
thing.
49
00:02:17,112 --> 00:02:19,830
A great idea, going round
the country listening to people
50
00:02:19,831 --> 00:02:22,510
tell you that they hate you,
just in different accents.
51
00:02:22,511 --> 00:02:24,870
"I fucking hate you",
52
00:02:24,871 --> 00:02:27,430
"I hate you," "I fucking hate you,"
53
00:02:27,431 --> 00:02:29,510
so, wait, today's the day?
Today's the day.
54
00:02:29,511 --> 00:02:32,270
Once she's on the train, I'm going
to detonate the main bomb,
55
00:02:32,271 --> 00:02:34,870
but I need you to set one off later.
56
00:02:34,871 --> 00:02:39,070
Malcolm, I'm in hospital,
I'm not, I'm not wearing any pants. I don't care if you've been
57
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:42,110
dead a year, playing cribbage
with Jimmy fucking Saville.
58
00:02:42,111 --> 00:02:46,110
I want you to make a bomb
and explode it, today.
59
00:02:46,111 --> 00:02:48,430
This is a metaphorical bomb right?
60
00:02:48,431 --> 00:02:49,950
This is it, Jack fucking Bauer,
61
00:02:49,951 --> 00:02:53,310
time for you to
embrace your inner bastard.
62
00:02:53,311 --> 00:02:56,150
I'll be in touch, right.
That wee nurse needs cheering up.
63
00:02:56,151 --> 00:02:58,391
Nice, really nice, Malcolm,
those are my flowers.
64
00:02:58,392 --> 00:03:00,231
Easy come, easy go.
65
00:03:04,511 --> 00:03:06,270
Is everything OK?
66
00:03:06,271 --> 00:03:10,070
I've had a stroke.
Oh, no, no such luck.
67
00:03:10,071 --> 00:03:13,430
Is that why you're not answering
your phone? I'm finding it quite comforting.
68
00:03:13,431 --> 00:03:16,230
Maybe I'll bring you a shot glass
and some bleach.
69
00:03:16,231 --> 00:03:17,910
Hey, only my kids are allowed
70
00:03:17,911 --> 00:03:19,910
to talk to me like that,
and my husband.
71
00:03:19,911 --> 00:03:21,990
Don't forget you're on a train
to Bradford soon,
72
00:03:21,991 --> 00:03:26,430
Can you try to arrange for me to be
underneath it? I look forward to our lovely train journey together.
73
00:03:26,431 --> 00:03:29,150
I look forward to you fucking off
actually. Thanks very much.
74
00:03:29,151 --> 00:03:31,910
Is the Dowager Countess receiving?
Can you give her a minute?
75
00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:34,311
She's meditating. Step aside,
she's asked to see me.
76
00:03:34,312 --> 00:03:35,870
Morning, oh, God, oh, dear.
77
00:03:35,871 --> 00:03:38,070
You can get that
in large print you know.
78
00:03:38,071 --> 00:03:39,669
Still not knocking, I see, Malcolm.
79
00:03:39,670 --> 00:03:42,151
It's an old habit from my time
in the Haitian death squads,
80
00:03:42,152 --> 00:03:44,470
so how you doing?
The Guardian seem to hate me
81
00:03:44,471 --> 00:03:47,110
more than the Prime Minister,
I mean, what do I expect next,
82
00:03:47,111 --> 00:03:49,710
am I gonna get spat
at in the street by Michael Palin?
83
00:03:49,711 --> 00:03:52,350
That's highly unlikely,
he's really a very, very nice man.
84
00:03:52,351 --> 00:03:55,230
But on to more serious matters,
Mr Tickle is dead.
85
00:03:55,231 --> 00:03:58,590
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm not going to exploit a suicide.
86
00:03:58,591 --> 00:04:00,469
You can't look a gift corpse
in the mouth,
87
00:04:00,470 --> 00:04:02,751
you should be taking it
and slapping the government
88
00:04:02,752 --> 00:04:04,870
about the face with it,
bit of slap with tickle.
89
00:04:04,871 --> 00:04:08,150
No, I'm not doing it,
it's insensitive, as was that.
90
00:04:08,151 --> 00:04:11,470
Sorry, I just think this is
what we should be doing.
91
00:04:11,471 --> 00:04:15,870
Look, fine, it's there as a policy
we can use in the extreme,
92
00:04:15,871 --> 00:04:18,670
but I just, I just want us to try
93
00:04:18,671 --> 00:04:21,190
and build some
momentum through positivity.
94
00:04:21,191 --> 00:04:24,830
OK, yeah, good luck with that.
95
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:27,350
That's me being positive,
by the way.
96
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:30,070
So, it's just a quick chat
with Sky, yeah?
97
00:04:30,071 --> 00:04:31,869
Yeah, just give them ten minutes'
bullshit
98
00:04:31,870 --> 00:04:33,669
about how you much
prefer them to the BBC,
99
00:04:33,670 --> 00:04:36,111
and then get straight onto
the "here to hear" stuff.
100
00:04:36,112 --> 00:04:38,270
It's a very good name
"here to hear," well done.
101
00:04:38,271 --> 00:04:40,310
Much better than,
what was Olly's effort?
102
00:04:40,311 --> 00:04:42,310
"We're all ears."
103
00:04:42,311 --> 00:04:43,631
But the "all" was capitalised
104
00:04:43,632 --> 00:04:46,390
implying that everyone
is actually an ear.
105
00:04:46,391 --> 00:04:49,310
Christ in a hot tub,
that is truly terrible.
106
00:04:49,311 --> 00:04:52,310
Olympic sprinters don't get paid for
the number of hours they run,
107
00:04:52,311 --> 00:04:53,630
otherwise, if they did,
108
00:04:53,631 --> 00:04:56,470
the faster you ran, the less
they'd actually get paid.
109
00:04:56,471 --> 00:05:02,790
Oh, God, Duggan, of all people.
John, nice to see you again.
110
00:05:02,791 --> 00:05:04,430
All aboard the Hogwarts express
111
00:05:04,431 --> 00:05:07,390
for Nicola Potter
and the Prisoner of AzkerBradford.
112
00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,151
I come bearing
broadcast journalists.
113
00:05:09,152 --> 00:05:12,150
Sounds almost sexual, doesn't it?
114
00:05:12,151 --> 00:05:16,110
This is Cath-y, Cathy,
so good they named her twice.
115
00:05:16,111 --> 00:05:18,750
And a cameraman who's
name I cannot recall. I'm Nicholas.
116
00:05:18,751 --> 00:05:20,270
Hello, hi. Nicola Murray.
117
00:05:20,271 --> 00:05:22,510
This is Helen, my number two.
118
00:05:22,511 --> 00:05:24,471
Ah, unexpected item in bagging area.
119
00:05:24,472 --> 00:05:28,231
I was expecting something more Olly
shaped, I'm JD, recently divorced.
120
00:05:29,431 --> 00:05:30,990
Erm, John, maybe...
121
00:05:30,991 --> 00:05:32,950
Please call me JD, I've rebranded.
122
00:05:32,951 --> 00:05:36,390
Right, so John, if you could get
us some drinks, that would be great.
123
00:05:36,391 --> 00:05:40,190
Absodutely, I could murder a lager.
It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it?
124
00:05:40,191 --> 00:05:42,710
It's one of those places
where alcohol is acceptable
125
00:05:42,711 --> 00:05:44,790
at any time of day,
like a casino or Cardiff.
126
00:05:44,791 --> 00:05:48,990
That's not racist.
I could have said Glasgow or Dublin.
127
00:05:48,991 --> 00:05:51,310
Glenn, mate, guess who?
128
00:05:51,311 --> 00:05:55,110
No, it's Olly Reeder.
Who the fuck's Preston?
129
00:05:55,111 --> 00:05:58,910
No, all right, listen, I was
wondering if you fancied a spot of lunch?
130
00:05:58,911 --> 00:06:03,951
You know St Thomas' Hospital?
Well, let's say St Thomas' Hospital.
131
00:06:05,591 --> 00:06:08,110
Because I'm in St Thomas'
Hospital, Glenn.
132
00:06:08,111 --> 00:06:10,390
Yeah, it's a Nigella recipe,
you, you,
133
00:06:10,391 --> 00:06:13,750
you sort of do it with gammon
and Coca Cola, it's fantastic.
134
00:06:13,751 --> 00:06:17,310
Ah, the hairless Hagrid?
I need a private word. We're in the middle of something.
135
00:06:17,311 --> 00:06:19,830
I need you lot to make like
a tree, and go fuck yourselves.
136
00:06:19,831 --> 00:06:22,270
Yeah, we'll,
we'll pick this up later.
137
00:06:22,271 --> 00:06:26,710
You know, Westminster can often
seem to be all about here, here.
138
00:06:26,711 --> 00:06:30,750
But we want to make it clear
that with "here to hear,"
139
00:06:30,751 --> 00:06:34,070
we are very definitely here to hear.
140
00:06:34,071 --> 00:06:35,990
So, today, in Bradford,
141
00:06:35,991 --> 00:06:39,670
we're going to be talking to the good
folk of that city,
142
00:06:39,671 --> 00:06:42,510
that we're there for them,
that we are listening
143
00:06:42,511 --> 00:06:45,870
to their concerns
and that we're there to, erm,
144
00:06:45,871 --> 00:06:48,231
that we're here to hear.
145
00:06:49,751 --> 00:06:53,550
Great, well. That OK? I think
that's us done. Good, good, lovely.
146
00:06:53,551 --> 00:07:00,150
Thanks. Thank you. Oh, are you,
that's where you're erm...
147
00:07:00,151 --> 00:07:03,350
We'll be grabbing some GVs
and some day in the life shots.
148
00:07:03,351 --> 00:07:07,150
Just some shots of you pretending to
work, pretty sure I mentioned it.
149
00:07:07,151 --> 00:07:10,430
You absolutely, definitely
didn't mention it, John,
150
00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:12,829
but that's, yeah, great,
nice to spend a bit more time...
151
00:07:12,830 --> 00:07:15,309
Maybe not, in my defence,
I am the busiest man in politics.
152
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,511
One of the three main
reasons my marriage broke up.
153
00:07:17,512 --> 00:07:21,831
She was a Muggle,
next wife's got to be a politico.
154
00:07:23,431 --> 00:07:24,549
I'm sorry I can come back,
155
00:07:24,550 --> 00:07:26,431
I didn't realise you were
so fucking busy.
156
00:07:26,432 --> 00:07:29,150
Well, I could do some work but you
know what, we're still going to lose.
157
00:07:29,151 --> 00:07:33,670
Don't be so grim, you big quim.
You are the future of this party, yeah, you are the next generation.
158
00:07:33,671 --> 00:07:37,310
And you're in its past.
I mean, I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.
159
00:07:37,311 --> 00:07:40,990
I want to see this turn around.
I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls,
160
00:07:40,991 --> 00:07:45,150
and we're getting fucked
consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
161
00:07:45,151 --> 00:07:47,470
Very original observations,
Malcolm MacIntucker,
162
00:07:47,471 --> 00:07:51,470
but what's the solution?
Nicola has to go. Today.
163
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:55,030
Oh, right.
You need to resign.
164
00:07:55,031 --> 00:07:58,310
And challenge
her for the leadership?
165
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:02,710
That, no, no. That would be petty
and self-interested.
166
00:08:02,711 --> 00:08:06,350
No, you are doing this
for the greater good of the party.
167
00:08:06,351 --> 00:08:10,150
As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will
take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.
168
00:08:10,151 --> 00:08:11,629
You want me to stick my cock in a fan
169
00:08:11,630 --> 00:08:13,989
so that Dan Miller can become
the next Prime Minister!
170
00:08:13,990 --> 00:08:15,269
Fuck you very much, Malcolm.
171
00:08:15,270 --> 00:08:16,431
What do I get out of this?
172
00:08:16,432 --> 00:08:19,350
I would not ask you to do
this for nothing, would I?
173
00:08:19,351 --> 00:08:20,630
You might.
174
00:08:20,631 --> 00:08:23,550
I'm asking you,
because you're a big fucking beast.
175
00:08:23,551 --> 00:08:26,750
Which is why, when you come back,
176
00:08:26,751 --> 00:08:29,310
it'll be as Foreign Secretary.
177
00:08:29,311 --> 00:08:32,310
You mean Foreign Secretary,
that isn't code for Northern Ireland,
178
00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:33,671
I'm not fucking going there.
179
00:08:33,672 --> 00:08:36,510
This is the proper Foreign Secretary
with all the perks,
180
00:08:36,511 --> 00:08:42,270
fuck off breakfasts at Dubai hotels,
tours of secret Russian sex shops.
181
00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:45,750
All right, all right, I'll do it.
And you know what?
182
00:08:45,751 --> 00:08:47,871
I'd have done it for a lot less.
I beg your pardon?
183
00:08:47,872 --> 00:08:50,831
I'd have done it just to see
the look on Nicola's face.
184
00:08:52,671 --> 00:08:54,630
I've underestimated you.
185
00:08:54,631 --> 00:08:58,070
You've been out manoeuvred
by a player. It happens.
186
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,951
Yeah, well, didn't used to.
187
00:09:02,431 --> 00:09:05,830
God, this is absolutely ridiculous.
188
00:09:05,831 --> 00:09:08,910
We so should have sat
separately in first.
189
00:09:08,911 --> 00:09:10,990
We can't do first class,
it's career suicide,
190
00:09:10,991 --> 00:09:12,751
you might as well do
a shit in the aisle.
191
00:09:15,831 --> 00:09:19,910
I want you to stay smiling looking
relaxed.
192
00:09:19,911 --> 00:09:21,911
Ben Swain is resigning.
193
00:09:23,471 --> 00:09:25,910
Shitting quitting.
194
00:09:25,911 --> 00:09:28,110
Fuck off! Shut up!
195
00:09:28,111 --> 00:09:30,670
What is it sex scandal?
I bet he pays for it.
196
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:32,029
Is he a Gaylord or something?
197
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,951
Grainne thinks it might be a putsch.
198
00:09:33,952 --> 00:09:36,950
That's very good news
actually, isn't it?
199
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:39,710
Just had some independent
polling results in.
200
00:09:39,711 --> 00:09:41,510
That's really encouraging.
201
00:09:41,511 --> 00:09:43,670
If you could try and get
a breakdown of that,
202
00:09:43,671 --> 00:09:45,950
with a bit more detail
that would be... Sure.
203
00:09:45,951 --> 00:09:47,710
Terrific.
204
00:09:47,711 --> 00:09:50,470
I think I might go and get a wrap.
Does anyone want anything?
205
00:09:50,471 --> 00:09:53,270
No, thanks. I quite fancy
one of those pizzas
206
00:09:53,271 --> 00:09:55,350
that's so hot the cheese
actually evaporates.
207
00:09:55,351 --> 00:09:58,190
Right, John, can you...
208
00:09:58,191 --> 00:10:00,990
Sorry I thought,
are you not going to fasttrack now?
209
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:05,830
Yeah, I am. All right,
I'll get you a fucking pizza.
210
00:10:05,831 --> 00:10:07,750
She is bonkers.
211
00:10:07,751 --> 00:10:12,350
I, erm, might also go
for a celebratory,
212
00:10:12,351 --> 00:10:15,990
er, polling wee. That's what
I'm going to do, so, John,
213
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,150
do you want to keep
these good people company
214
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,910
without being too "Duggan" about it?
215
00:10:20,911 --> 00:10:24,710
Totes, consider it done.
Or about to be done, pre-done.
216
00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:28,391
I'm saying yes,
is the gist, basically.
217
00:10:29,991 --> 00:10:31,831
Hello, hi.
218
00:10:33,311 --> 00:10:36,270
Do you want me to do a ring round?
Call Olly. Why?
219
00:10:36,271 --> 00:10:39,630
Olly and Ben are mates.
I'm sorry I have to keep walking,
220
00:10:39,631 --> 00:10:43,310
this train feels like it's
getting very small right now. It's not it's the same size.
221
00:10:43,311 --> 00:10:46,550
Get Olly to call Ben and tell him
to offer him anything he wants,
222
00:10:46,551 --> 00:10:50,670
anything at all, bigger portfolio,
pig roast, whatever, I...
223
00:10:50,671 --> 00:10:53,950
I've just got to keep
moving, I have to keep moving.
224
00:10:53,951 --> 00:10:55,631
So go on then,
how's life in Nazi HQ,
225
00:10:55,632 --> 00:10:57,670
is it fun collaborating?
226
00:10:57,671 --> 00:11:01,470
Oh, don't start all that again,
I got into government by accident.
227
00:11:01,471 --> 00:11:04,470
Speaking of which, how is Terri?
228
00:11:04,471 --> 00:11:07,391
She's entering her
dog for Britain's Got Talent.
229
00:11:09,511 --> 00:11:10,991
What's the matter with you?
230
00:11:10,992 --> 00:11:13,510
Please tell me you're
looking for a bone marrow donor
231
00:11:13,511 --> 00:11:14,869
and that I'm you're only hope.
232
00:11:14,870 --> 00:11:16,511
The answer would be "no,"
by the way.
233
00:11:16,512 --> 00:11:18,750
Bad luck, no, it's an appendix out.
234
00:11:18,751 --> 00:11:20,671
I hope it is, since your lot
took over the NHS
235
00:11:20,672 --> 00:11:22,310
everything's a fucking adventure.
236
00:11:22,311 --> 00:11:24,269
Look, this is all incredibly
entertaining
237
00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:26,229
but you've called me
over in my lunch hour
238
00:11:26,230 --> 00:11:28,671
and as you're fond of saying,
I don't have many left.
239
00:11:28,672 --> 00:11:31,390
So, you know all this stuff
with Mr Tickle. Sad business.
240
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:35,670
Very sad business. Yeah. Mr Sad is
actually very, very sad about it.
241
00:11:35,671 --> 00:11:38,310
Yes, Mr Happy on the other hand,
fucking delighted.
242
00:11:38,311 --> 00:11:39,870
Mr Stoic's taking it on the chin.
243
00:11:39,871 --> 00:11:42,910
Yes, Mr Milk-it says
we should probably stop this now.
244
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:48,390
Okey-doke. I need you to dig out
an old email for me.
245
00:11:48,391 --> 00:11:50,990
One of those confidential,
"delete after reading" emails,
246
00:11:50,991 --> 00:11:52,151
that we never did delete?
247
00:11:52,152 --> 00:11:54,990
Remember the email that Nicola sent
ages ago,
248
00:11:54,991 --> 00:11:56,911
where she floated
the exact same policy
249
00:11:56,912 --> 00:11:59,070
that's just got Mannion
tickled in a bad way?
250
00:11:59,071 --> 00:12:03,430
No. No, because you're 90,
but, trust me, it does exist.
251
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,990
She was completely up for it
before she realised that her
252
00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:08,270
husband's PFI contracts
fucked the whole thing.
253
00:12:08,271 --> 00:12:11,870
That, my friend, is the email
I'd like you to dig out.
254
00:12:11,871 --> 00:12:14,830
So what's going on here,
are you starting...
255
00:12:14,831 --> 00:12:16,590
Is Malcolm starting a coup?
256
00:12:16,591 --> 00:12:19,071
A bit louder, because there's
a man in a coma over there,
257
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,710
Glenn, who didn't quite hear that.
258
00:12:20,711 --> 00:12:24,150
Right, wee mission accomplished.
259
00:12:24,151 --> 00:12:27,190
Actually, having an accurate
wee into a moving train toilet
260
00:12:27,191 --> 00:12:29,750
would make a great round on
The Cube with Philip Schofield.
261
00:12:29,751 --> 00:12:32,750
Nicola, is it true there's a rumour
that Ben Swain is going to resign?
262
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:36,710
No, that's not true. I mean it might
be true that there's a rumour,
263
00:12:36,711 --> 00:12:39,950
but that rumour is not true.
264
00:12:39,951 --> 00:12:43,230
So Ben Swain is completely on side?
Oh, look,
265
00:12:43,231 --> 00:12:45,310
I think Helen in the vestibule,
Nicola.
266
00:12:45,311 --> 00:12:47,950
She wants to, erm, wants to talk
to you about your wrap.
267
00:12:47,951 --> 00:12:50,550
In terms of filling,
chicken or, or cheese.
268
00:12:50,551 --> 00:12:52,831
That's what her body language
is telling me. Any how.
269
00:12:52,832 --> 00:12:55,590
Right. That's probably the first
time I've ever used
270
00:12:55,591 --> 00:12:59,230
the words "wrap" and "vestibule"
in the same sentence,
271
00:12:59,231 --> 00:13:02,910
actually I'm almost certain it is.
272
00:13:02,911 --> 00:13:05,950
Do you need to get that?
273
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:09,230
Erm, no, but I do need a wee, so...
All right, take it easy,
274
00:13:09,231 --> 00:13:12,670
let me give you a hand. Don't!
I'm sorry. Not there! All right.
275
00:13:12,671 --> 00:13:16,191
That's where the appendix
usually goes.
276
00:13:18,311 --> 00:13:21,310
He's not actually the grim reaper,
just a friend.
277
00:13:21,311 --> 00:13:23,670
Helen, yes.
Some serious shit's going down.
278
00:13:23,671 --> 00:13:25,710
Ben's threatening to resign. Ben?
279
00:13:25,711 --> 00:13:27,750
Nah, he's just a fucking air bag.
280
00:13:27,751 --> 00:13:29,830
I know he's a fucking air bag,
281
00:13:29,831 --> 00:13:31,551
but if he goes off now
in Nicola's face,
282
00:13:31,552 --> 00:13:34,550
she'll crash, so you've
gotta call and stop him, OK? We...
283
00:13:34,551 --> 00:13:35,791
And you've hung up.
284
00:13:35,792 --> 00:13:38,870
Wow, I'm fine, thanks, for
asking, Wednesday fucking Addams.
285
00:13:38,871 --> 00:13:40,629
Olly, this is the
shittiest lunch break
286
00:13:40,630 --> 00:13:42,991
I've had since Stewart took
us all out for sushi.
287
00:13:42,992 --> 00:13:47,031
Patience, old man, and you can watch
the fuck puppet master at work now.
288
00:13:49,031 --> 00:13:50,230
'Ben Swain!'
289
00:13:50,231 --> 00:13:52,510
Benign tumour, bental illness.
290
00:13:52,511 --> 00:13:55,110
Ol... Oliver cyst,
291
00:13:55,111 --> 00:13:57,710
Olivetti spagett...
292
00:13:57,711 --> 00:14:00,190
I don't really have time
for chit chat, Olly.
293
00:14:00,191 --> 00:14:03,150
Are you resigning, mate? Are you
dropping the R-bomb? Benola Gay?
294
00:14:03,151 --> 00:14:05,310
And I'm not just
talking about the rumours.
295
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:08,910
Let's just say it is time
to prepare the hidey hole
296
00:14:08,911 --> 00:14:12,110
for Madame Hussein,
her reign of error is over.
297
00:14:12,111 --> 00:14:15,670
And out of interest, Ben, what would
it take to stop you from resigning?
298
00:14:15,671 --> 00:14:18,070
'Why, what's Nicola offering?'
Name your price.
299
00:14:18,071 --> 00:14:21,750
All right, Shadow Chancellor.
300
00:14:21,751 --> 00:14:26,070
Ah, you still got it, Benny.
301
00:14:26,071 --> 00:14:29,310
I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.
All right, I'll, I'll call you back.
302
00:14:29,311 --> 00:14:31,910
This is a fucking joke.
Ben Swain, Chancellor.
303
00:14:31,911 --> 00:14:35,230
He goes into debt every time
he passes a sweet shop.
304
00:14:35,231 --> 00:14:38,150
Let's pass it on to the new Glenn.
She's about to lose her job,
305
00:14:38,151 --> 00:14:39,551
so she's more like the old Glenn.
306
00:14:39,552 --> 00:14:40,750
Yes.
307
00:14:40,751 --> 00:14:43,070
'He would like Chancellor.'
308
00:14:43,071 --> 00:14:44,470
He wants Chancellor.
309
00:14:44,471 --> 00:14:46,830
Just give it to the fucker.
It's fine.
310
00:14:46,831 --> 00:14:51,230
What? Are you jerking my turkey?
Chancellor?
311
00:14:51,231 --> 00:14:55,190
It's a panicky thumbs up,
from the vestibule.
312
00:14:55,191 --> 00:14:58,910
Shit a thimble. Right, well.
313
00:14:58,911 --> 00:15:01,110
'Shadow Chancellor Swain.'
314
00:15:01,111 --> 00:15:03,830
You are kidding me!
Deal or no deal?
315
00:15:03,831 --> 00:15:07,150
I'll take the red box containing
the fucking red box,
316
00:15:07,151 --> 00:15:10,630
thank you, Noel,
Ah, that is amazeballs.
317
00:15:10,631 --> 00:15:12,670
Ha! Ben Swain,
knocks it out the park. I'm off.
318
00:15:12,671 --> 00:15:15,190
No, don't go, just stay
there. I'll just use the...
319
00:15:15,191 --> 00:15:17,071
Yeah.
320
00:15:18,471 --> 00:15:20,510
What have you got for me,
Professor Brian Cock?
321
00:15:20,511 --> 00:15:23,110
'Ben small-balled it, she
offered him Shadow Chancellor,
322
00:15:23,111 --> 00:15:24,950
'he's not resigning.'
323
00:15:24,951 --> 00:15:27,351
Christ in a diamond heist,
the dopey fucking bollard.
324
00:15:27,352 --> 00:15:29,950
Right, how are you getting on
with the old man from Up?
325
00:15:29,951 --> 00:15:32,431
Yeah, you know, getting there.
'Well get a move on.
326
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,190
'I want him leaking
like Cliff Richard out jogging.'
327
00:15:35,191 --> 00:15:38,631
Right, OK, I'll be right on it.
328
00:15:40,911 --> 00:15:46,670
Er, OK, Anne to justice,
Sanjay to energy and climate change,
329
00:15:46,671 --> 00:15:49,910
and Cuntface
to culture media and sport.
330
00:15:49,911 --> 00:15:52,830
Er, so C-face to CMS.
331
00:15:52,831 --> 00:15:55,510
Er, Doug to Scotland,
and Frank to international.
332
00:15:55,511 --> 00:15:58,470
Frank to international development.
It works, we don't need Ben.
333
00:15:58,471 --> 00:16:01,270
Fuck Ben. Fuck Ben.
Brilliant, give me some skin,
334
00:16:01,271 --> 00:16:03,950
palm, I dunno. Sorry.
335
00:16:03,951 --> 00:16:06,950
I wasn't expecting to
have to up my offer.
336
00:16:06,951 --> 00:16:09,430
But that's how a
gazumping works, Dan.
337
00:16:09,431 --> 00:16:13,150
Er, what if I were to offer you
Deputy Leader of the party?
338
00:16:13,151 --> 00:16:15,870
I would consider it. Would you?
339
00:16:15,871 --> 00:16:19,430
I would consider it briefly,
and then say "no." I see.
340
00:16:19,431 --> 00:16:22,710
Oh, here she is, Pippa Middleton,
trying to steal the limelight
341
00:16:22,711 --> 00:16:24,710
with your peachy little arse.
342
00:16:24,711 --> 00:16:26,590
Right, where are we?
343
00:16:26,591 --> 00:16:28,951
I've just offered Ben
deputy leadership of the party.
344
00:16:28,952 --> 00:16:31,510
I don't want it. I want Chancellor.
345
00:16:31,511 --> 00:16:34,350
Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?
346
00:16:34,351 --> 00:16:35,751
It's what Nicola's offering me.
347
00:16:35,752 --> 00:16:39,230
Are you sure about this Ben?
How's your economics? Good, strong.
348
00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:42,070
What you're a PPE guy?
No, History of Art, but...
349
00:16:42,071 --> 00:16:45,070
You are confident that one day
you'll be able to shepherd the country
350
00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:48,750
out of one of the darkest
economic periods in its entire fucking art history.
351
00:16:48,751 --> 00:16:50,750
Look, at the moment,
I hold all the cards,
352
00:16:50,751 --> 00:16:53,630
including the card that tells you how
to play so, so it's over.
353
00:16:53,631 --> 00:16:55,511
The fat lady's singing.
No, she's not.
354
00:16:55,512 --> 00:16:58,550
The fat man from the
Go Compare advert is talking.
355
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,029
This is tiger by the tail time,
356
00:17:00,030 --> 00:17:01,989
and I am loving it,
loving it, loving it.
357
00:17:01,990 --> 00:17:03,829
In that case you leave me
no option, Ben,
358
00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:05,031
I'm gonna have to say "yes."
359
00:17:05,032 --> 00:17:06,870
Ha, ha, Chumba-fucking-Wumba.
360
00:17:06,871 --> 00:17:09,110
Then I resign on the dotted line.
361
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:11,029
Can you give us a minute,
Ben, please?
362
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,911
Dan and I need to
talk some strategy.
363
00:17:12,912 --> 00:17:17,270
Might head in the direction
of confection. Any snackage, anyone?
364
00:17:17,271 --> 00:17:18,311
No, no.
365
00:17:19,871 --> 00:17:21,550
Is this for real?
366
00:17:21,551 --> 00:17:23,349
No, of course it's
not for real, Malcolm.
367
00:17:23,350 --> 00:17:24,831
I'm offering him Chancellor,
368
00:17:24,832 --> 00:17:26,831
I may as well offer bass player
in The Wurzels,
369
00:17:26,832 --> 00:17:29,950
because that burley haemorrhoid's
not in any fucking Cabinet of mine.
370
00:17:29,951 --> 00:17:32,311
Good. So how you gonna shaft him?
That's not my problem.
371
00:17:33,431 --> 00:17:35,270
That's your problem, Malcolm.
372
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,911
Right, so this is a little test?
You're weighing my balls?
373
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:40,710
Should we get Ben?
374
00:17:40,711 --> 00:17:43,470
Oh, he'll be back.
Like the shit Terminator.
375
00:17:43,471 --> 00:17:46,190
There he is.
376
00:17:46,191 --> 00:17:49,430
Ben Swain. I know, she's a crazy
woman. Nicola's got to go.
377
00:17:49,431 --> 00:17:51,550
Any time a decision has
to be made on anything
378
00:17:51,551 --> 00:17:54,870
she just starts flapping about
like Christ in a crucifix shop.
379
00:17:54,871 --> 00:17:56,190
She's a nightmare.
380
00:17:56,191 --> 00:17:59,830
She backed the hospital flats
sell off, a man is dead because of that policy.
381
00:17:59,831 --> 00:18:01,669
Oh wind it up,
Polly fucking Toynbee.
382
00:18:01,670 --> 00:18:03,471
All right fine, think of it this
way.
383
00:18:03,472 --> 00:18:06,350
Do it for yourself then, Glenn.
Do it for the sheer revenge.
384
00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:08,191
What has it actually been like, hey?
385
00:18:08,192 --> 00:18:11,750
The last two years stuck in that
fucking office
386
00:18:11,751 --> 00:18:14,510
being pulled out once a week
for a poke and a mop,
387
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:16,471
like some kind of
fucking dancing bear.
388
00:18:16,472 --> 00:18:18,310
What's that actually been like?
389
00:18:18,311 --> 00:18:20,310
Absolutely relentless.
390
00:18:20,311 --> 00:18:22,711
The worst thing is, there's
no humour in the cruelty.
391
00:18:22,712 --> 00:18:24,711
And you could never have
said that about me.
392
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:27,790
So, do it for yourself
and for the party.
393
00:18:27,791 --> 00:18:30,950
But I need to have that email.
394
00:18:30,951 --> 00:18:32,391
If you just shut up...
395
00:18:33,991 --> 00:18:35,190
I'll do it.
396
00:18:35,191 --> 00:18:38,710
You are a diamond, Glenn,
not just any form of ancient carbon,
397
00:18:38,711 --> 00:18:39,791
the best. A diamond.
398
00:18:39,792 --> 00:18:43,670
Do I send it to Malcolm or you?
Organ grinder or monkey?
399
00:18:43,671 --> 00:18:47,190
I'm no monkey, not any more.
Things have changed there, right?
400
00:18:47,191 --> 00:18:50,390
But, yeah, send it to Malcolm.
And CC me, no BCC me.
401
00:18:50,391 --> 00:18:53,030
Bcc you? Yeah.
402
00:18:53,031 --> 00:18:54,831
I can't find Benjamin
Glutton anywhere.
403
00:18:54,832 --> 00:18:58,670
The massive fuck's gone to ground
somehow and nobody's felt the aftershocks.
404
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,031
It's fine, we've sorted it,
we've averted Benaggedon.
405
00:19:01,032 --> 00:19:04,710
No, no, I know about the deal, but
he's still resigning. Are you sure?
406
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:07,310
Commander Duggan, reporting for
duty, what can I sort?
407
00:19:07,311 --> 00:19:08,631
Go away, stop molesting us.
408
00:19:08,632 --> 00:19:12,790
Oh, Glenn, you wrinkled beauty.
This is an emergency situation, Nicola,
409
00:19:12,791 --> 00:19:15,430
you have to break the glass
and hit the dead Tickle button.
410
00:19:15,431 --> 00:19:17,749
No, I don't want to do that.
What don't you want to do?
411
00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:18,871
Bash the Tickle button.
412
00:19:18,872 --> 00:19:21,510
You need to talk to Sky,
call for an inquiry, now.
413
00:19:21,511 --> 00:19:24,150
I really think this could
massively backfire.
414
00:19:24,151 --> 00:19:26,990
Is this Tickle? That could be good.
I cannot talk when I'm talking.
415
00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:29,550
You're on the ropes, Nicola,
do something fucking drastic.
416
00:19:29,551 --> 00:19:32,150
I don't even know how to refer to
him! Do I call him Mr Tickle?
417
00:19:32,151 --> 00:19:35,230
I can't call him Mr Tickle.
You're stuck on a train.
418
00:19:35,231 --> 00:19:38,230
I fucking know I'm stuck on a train.
Just attack, attack, and do it
419
00:19:38,231 --> 00:19:40,750
before Ben's resignation gets out.
Fine, yes.
420
00:19:40,751 --> 00:19:43,270
Fine, fine, good.
Thank you, Malcolm. Fuck off.
421
00:19:43,271 --> 00:19:46,830
Sky lady, you need to go
now, get her immediately.
422
00:19:46,831 --> 00:19:49,750
I'll just, I need a...
Just take a moment. Yes, just go.
423
00:19:49,751 --> 00:19:52,750
Ah, Suzy, might shake it up,
spray it round the room like a...
424
00:19:52,751 --> 00:19:54,470
Obviously I won't.
425
00:19:54,471 --> 00:19:56,350
You can't have champagne in here.
426
00:19:56,351 --> 00:20:00,310
You're not fucking pregnant. It's
just Prosecco. Just get on with it.
427
00:20:00,311 --> 00:20:03,871
I hereby tweet, I have resigned.
More to follow.
428
00:20:06,551 --> 00:20:09,550
Didn't seem that momentous.
How many followers have you got?
429
00:20:09,551 --> 00:20:12,230
612, or thereabouts.
430
00:20:12,231 --> 00:20:14,111
Christ, let's hope it gets
re-tweeted,
431
00:20:14,112 --> 00:20:16,710
otherwise you might just as well
432
00:20:16,711 --> 00:20:18,431
just whisper it to a
fucking dead tramp.
433
00:20:18,432 --> 00:20:20,990
The word I would use Cathy
is "disgraceful."
434
00:20:20,991 --> 00:20:23,990
You know, I think this
government has behaved appallingly
435
00:20:23,991 --> 00:20:28,950
in the tragic case of this nurse
that has died.
436
00:20:28,951 --> 00:20:32,790
And the tragic events that lead to
the death of Mr, er,
437
00:20:32,791 --> 00:20:35,270
a missed and valued member of
society,
438
00:20:35,271 --> 00:20:38,190
are now going to have to
come under scrutiny.
439
00:20:38,191 --> 00:20:40,030
Great, thank you, Nicola.
440
00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:42,191
We've just had word that
Ben Swain is thinking...
441
00:20:42,192 --> 00:20:45,990
Thank you. Nicola has to take a very
urgent call, thank you so much.
442
00:20:45,991 --> 00:20:49,910
I have to get off this train,
I'm hyper fucking ventilating.
443
00:20:49,911 --> 00:20:53,470
I'll get the door.
And leave Duggan where he is, because he's just flotsam now.
444
00:20:53,471 --> 00:20:55,670
Not flotsam, er jetsam,
the other one, jetsam.
445
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,991
I'm pretty certain that
was a genuinely urgent call.
446
00:20:57,992 --> 00:21:02,030
I'm sure she'll be back to say
a few words about Ben Swain.
447
00:21:02,031 --> 00:21:04,110
Four letter ones?
448
00:21:04,111 --> 00:21:05,470
Funny.
449
00:21:05,471 --> 00:21:09,110
No, she hardly swears at all
actually, the occasional "shit."
450
00:21:09,111 --> 00:21:13,830
I'm gonna kill Ben Swain, I'm gonna
fucking, fucking kill Ben Swain.
451
00:21:13,831 --> 00:21:18,950
I'm gonna get some fucking giant
Yorkie, and ram it down his gizzard.
452
00:21:18,951 --> 00:21:22,510
OK, better? Are we there?
It's good to let it out, I think.
453
00:21:22,511 --> 00:21:24,949
Once I get out in the air...
We're gonna do a ring round.
454
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,151
I'm going to leave Mary to you,
she's a bit HRT-ish.
455
00:21:27,152 --> 00:21:28,510
Go, go, go.
456
00:21:28,511 --> 00:21:32,390
Kate, hi,
can I count on your support?
457
00:21:32,391 --> 00:21:33,990
Sorry, I am a bit out of breath
458
00:21:33,991 --> 00:21:36,431
it's just because just because I'm
running up a ramp.
459
00:21:36,432 --> 00:21:39,791
No, no, not with a view
to jumping off.
460
00:21:41,431 --> 00:21:44,190
That's brilliant,
that's great news. Thank you.
461
00:21:44,191 --> 00:21:45,630
Hello, Bill.
462
00:21:45,631 --> 00:21:49,270
Is it safe to assume we can
count on your support then, love?
463
00:21:49,271 --> 00:21:52,390
OK, that's fantastic,
I knew I could trust you.
464
00:21:52,391 --> 00:21:54,191
Lazy fucking shyster.
465
00:21:55,271 --> 00:21:58,390
Mary, I was really hoping
I could count on your support.
466
00:21:58,391 --> 00:22:02,350
Well, I'm disappointed to hear you
say that, I must say,
467
00:22:02,351 --> 00:22:04,990
because If I'm honest, Mary,
you sort of
468
00:22:04,991 --> 00:22:07,430
brought some of this
on yourself, really.
469
00:22:07,431 --> 00:22:10,910
Well, in that you had quite a lot
of time off before being diagnosed.
470
00:22:10,911 --> 00:22:12,990
All right, Mary. Thank you, bye.
471
00:22:12,991 --> 00:22:15,510
Fucking fibroid polyp bitch.
472
00:22:15,511 --> 00:22:19,351
I hope they sprout out of her
abdomen and fucking choke her.
473
00:22:20,751 --> 00:22:21,791
We can still do it.
474
00:22:23,151 --> 00:22:26,350
Do you want a bit of lippy
or something?
475
00:22:26,351 --> 00:22:28,510
Do I need it? Yeah.
476
00:22:28,511 --> 00:22:32,350
OK, Ben, Big Ben tells us that it's
resignation time. Are you pumped?
477
00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:35,070
Yeah, I'm pumped,
pumped to the fucking max.
478
00:22:35,071 --> 00:22:38,070
If I was a petrol pump I'd be making
that clicking sound.
479
00:22:38,071 --> 00:22:41,230
Oh, Olly, you foxy lady.
480
00:22:41,231 --> 00:22:43,709
The press have been hoofing
an email about that proves
481
00:22:43,710 --> 00:22:45,911
Nicola agreed with this
key worker housing scheme.
482
00:22:45,912 --> 00:22:48,550
Sweet. Suzy, can I get some powder?
483
00:22:48,551 --> 00:22:53,310
Oh, Glenn, my trusty crusty. I've
just had my boney buttocks saved.
484
00:22:53,311 --> 00:22:56,030
These phones are amazing, aren't
they? I've got an application
485
00:22:56,031 --> 00:22:58,110
that can throw grenades
into people's dreams.
486
00:22:58,111 --> 00:23:00,070
So, how do I look?
487
00:23:00,071 --> 00:23:02,990
Has that suit got a reinforced
trouser arse on it? Ha-ha, very funny,
488
00:23:02,991 --> 00:23:04,951
what, a joke that
I'm going to shit myself?
489
00:23:04,952 --> 00:23:07,030
No, you're going to need it for
the ten years
490
00:23:07,031 --> 00:23:10,430
you'll be on the back benches.
The email trail about the key worker housing shows
491
00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:13,230
that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain
492
00:23:13,231 --> 00:23:16,510
were gleefully in favour of it,
just like Nicola.
493
00:23:16,511 --> 00:23:19,230
You... erm...
494
00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:20,790
There you go. Break a leg, love.
495
00:23:20,791 --> 00:23:23,951
And your neck and your wrist,
it doesn't really matter.
496
00:23:26,951 --> 00:23:31,790
I never act on impulse,
I'm so not impulsive
497
00:23:31,791 --> 00:23:34,470
and Malcolm made me
do it and now, fuck.
498
00:23:34,471 --> 00:23:35,590
What?
499
00:23:35,591 --> 00:23:40,910
Launching this inquiry may prove to
be misguided in that
500
00:23:40,911 --> 00:23:47,590
I now recall I may have fleetingly
supported the policy myself.
501
00:23:47,591 --> 00:23:50,630
So you've essentially launched
an investigation into yourself?
502
00:23:50,631 --> 00:23:52,710
Malcolm made me do it.
Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah.
503
00:23:52,711 --> 00:23:53,951
You've met Malcolm.
504
00:23:53,952 --> 00:23:56,590
I would have said that it was
ethically bad, I'm sure. I said...
505
00:23:56,591 --> 00:23:59,310
I'll tell you what you said,
just give me a minute.
506
00:23:59,311 --> 00:24:02,470
Brilliant, courtesy of the Telegraph
website you said,
507
00:24:02,471 --> 00:24:04,871
"Great revenue raiser but I'm afraid
it's a no-no
508
00:24:04,872 --> 00:24:06,510
"because of my bloody husband."
509
00:24:06,511 --> 00:24:08,430
I'm sorry, why would you do that?
510
00:24:08,431 --> 00:24:10,309
You remember all your emails, do you?
511
00:24:10,310 --> 00:24:11,631
That you sent three years ago?
512
00:24:11,632 --> 00:24:14,150
From what I understand from Olly,
a large number were sent
513
00:24:14,151 --> 00:24:16,270
to that married producer on
the Daily Politics.
514
00:24:16,271 --> 00:24:18,711
Olly is a fucking... because...
515
00:24:20,951 --> 00:24:23,590
He was supposed to leave her and...
516
00:24:23,591 --> 00:24:26,030
OK, while we're on our way back to
London maybe
517
00:24:26,031 --> 00:24:29,390
we should make a list of the things,
you know, you're for and against.
518
00:24:29,391 --> 00:24:32,830
Let's start with something simple.
Animals in circuses? Tell you what,
519
00:24:32,831 --> 00:24:34,910
why don't you make the little list
520
00:24:34,911 --> 00:24:37,390
and shove it up your tight
cold arse.
521
00:24:37,391 --> 00:24:39,870
I just need to stare.
522
00:24:39,871 --> 00:24:41,271
Have a good stare.
523
00:24:43,871 --> 00:24:46,430
I believe that this
government should be attacked
524
00:24:46,431 --> 00:24:50,470
for its involvement
in the tragic death of Mr Tickel.
525
00:24:50,471 --> 00:24:54,270
But I do not believe that Nicola
Murray is fit to lead such an attack
526
00:24:54,271 --> 00:24:58,830
because email evidence has
clearly shown that she herself,
527
00:24:58,831 --> 00:25:02,670
when a minister,
supported the exact same proposals.
528
00:25:02,671 --> 00:25:08,550
Er, as for a brief and regrettable
period of time did I.
529
00:25:08,551 --> 00:25:14,670
And so it turns out I will not be
seeking a front bench position in the foreseeable future.
530
00:25:14,671 --> 00:25:16,470
Dan. Yeah, Blinkey's gone.
531
00:25:16,471 --> 00:25:18,911
Yeah, don't ask how I did it,
but I'm on my way over.
532
00:25:18,912 --> 00:25:21,510
Get some sexy underwear on.
Wear a basque.
533
00:25:21,511 --> 00:25:25,510
Are you backing Dan Miller for
the leadership? I can't reply to those questions at the moment.
534
00:25:25,511 --> 00:25:27,670
Hello.
535
00:25:27,671 --> 00:25:29,631
Olly, how the
shit has this happened?
536
00:25:29,632 --> 00:25:32,071
Ben's gone and I'm about to.
537
00:25:33,911 --> 00:25:36,470
Er, I'm sorry about that.
538
00:25:36,471 --> 00:25:40,150
You're not going to try and talk me
down off a ledge, are you cos I'm really tired
539
00:25:40,151 --> 00:25:44,270
and the pavement looks like a
nice, warm, splatty bed right now.
540
00:25:44,271 --> 00:25:48,110
Nicola, if you fight this, it's just
going to be one of those long slow
541
00:25:48,111 --> 00:25:50,430
agonising deaths.
542
00:25:50,431 --> 00:25:52,070
'I might still recover though.'
543
00:25:52,071 --> 00:25:55,190
I mean, maybe you should
come on board a bit more,
544
00:25:55,191 --> 00:25:56,511
maybe be my number one?
545
00:25:57,951 --> 00:26:01,230
Sorry, it's career cancer,
I would say, terminal.
546
00:26:01,231 --> 00:26:03,630
I'm sorry Nicola, this is it.
547
00:26:03,631 --> 00:26:05,390
Is it?
548
00:26:05,391 --> 00:26:06,591
Right.
549
00:26:08,591 --> 00:26:10,430
I am sorry.
550
00:26:10,431 --> 00:26:12,870
I really thought
I could be Prime Minister.
551
00:26:12,871 --> 00:26:15,070
Did you? Yes, didn't you?
552
00:26:15,071 --> 00:26:18,190
Yes. Of course.
553
00:26:18,191 --> 00:26:22,110
Against a parade of top-hatted turds,
how could I not win?
554
00:26:22,111 --> 00:26:23,950
I don't know.
555
00:26:23,951 --> 00:26:26,150
Can you ring James actually?
556
00:26:26,151 --> 00:26:28,391
Because he'll just be all smug on the
phone and then
557
00:26:28,392 --> 00:26:32,230
I'm gonna end up asking for a divorce
and that's exactly what he fucking well wants me to do
558
00:26:32,231 --> 00:26:36,870
and I just know I'm going to end up
with the fucking kids.
559
00:26:36,871 --> 00:26:40,550
Right, come on, folks, gather round.
Grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking vuvuzelas,
560
00:26:40,551 --> 00:26:43,511
this is what we've been waiting for,
it's the queen's fucking speech.
561
00:26:44,591 --> 00:26:45,631
Hello, everybody.
562
00:26:45,632 --> 00:26:48,430
Thank you very much for coming
here at such short notice,
563
00:26:48,431 --> 00:26:51,270
I will be reading a short
prepared statement.
564
00:26:51,271 --> 00:26:52,911
Come on, this is history
in the making.
565
00:26:52,912 --> 00:26:56,470
This is the ending of a chapter of
a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
566
00:26:56,471 --> 00:26:59,710
It has become apparent to me that
I no longer have the full support
567
00:26:59,711 --> 00:27:04,030
of my party. You never had the
support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
568
00:27:04,031 --> 00:27:05,670
'It is for this reason
569
00:27:05,671 --> 00:27:10,391
'and with a heavy heart that I have
decided to stand down as leader.'
570
00:27:11,751 --> 00:27:13,470
Sam, get me Fatty on the phone.
571
00:27:13,471 --> 00:27:14,671
Tell him he's won a hamper.
572
00:27:14,672 --> 00:27:17,030
He needs to know the line
and tow the line.
573
00:27:17,031 --> 00:27:20,350
You. Bland fucking robot droid,
clear that shit out of there.
574
00:27:20,351 --> 00:27:22,510
We need to get a draft in here
to blow away
575
00:27:22,511 --> 00:27:24,190
the stench of fucking failure.
576
00:27:24,191 --> 00:27:25,990
Somebody get me a fucking Fanta!
577
00:27:25,991 --> 00:27:30,510
'The only thing I love more
than my party is my family
578
00:27:30,511 --> 00:27:33,230
'and I look forward to spending more
time with my husband James
579
00:27:33,231 --> 00:27:36,350
'and with my children Ben, Katie...'
580
00:27:36,351 --> 00:27:38,431
And here he is, the anointed one.
581
00:27:39,511 --> 00:27:43,470
Oh, please, please I'm not Christ.
He was quite a scruffy man.
582
00:27:43,471 --> 00:27:45,831
I think Nicola's just finishing
herself off here.
583
00:27:45,832 --> 00:27:47,671
Thank you very much. Thank you.
584
00:27:49,791 --> 00:27:51,870
Nicola, Nicola this way this way.
585
00:27:51,871 --> 00:27:53,790
Oh shit.
586
00:27:53,791 --> 00:27:54,869
Oh, God, here we go.
587
00:27:54,870 --> 00:27:57,309
Do you feel you've been
stabbed in the back, Mrs Murray?
588
00:27:57,310 --> 00:27:59,149
She won't be answering any
questions at this time, thank you.
589
00:27:59,150 --> 00:28:00,349
Will you be backing Dan Miller?
590
00:28:00,350 --> 00:28:01,591
Can you hear that sound?
591
00:28:01,592 --> 00:28:04,830
Underneath the champagne corks
popping, there's another sound.
592
00:28:04,831 --> 00:28:07,270
The sound of the government's arses
593
00:28:07,271 --> 00:28:08,390
yawning open.
594
00:28:08,391 --> 00:28:14,790
Because we have got ourselves
a superb leader-in-waiting.
595
00:28:14,791 --> 00:28:17,231
Who's going to stick the boot
into those coked-up
596
00:28:17,232 --> 00:28:20,311
cousin-fucking chinless aliens.
597
00:28:24,311 --> 00:28:28,910
Thank you very much. We have got
some work to do with you.
598
00:28:28,911 --> 00:28:30,431
What will you be doing this evening?
599
00:28:30,432 --> 00:28:32,150
'Will it be Dan Miller?'
600
00:28:32,151 --> 00:28:33,910
'Thank you all very much.'
601
00:28:33,911 --> 00:28:36,190
'Any regrets in the last two years?'
602
00:28:36,191 --> 00:28:38,630
Do you have a legacy?
603
00:28:38,631 --> 00:28:40,029
Worst leader in living memory?
604
00:28:40,030 --> 00:28:42,471
Get hold of Claire Ballentine
by the ears, if necessary.
605
00:28:42,472 --> 00:28:44,510
Tell her she's on the World Tonight
tonight.
606
00:28:44,511 --> 00:28:46,910
Nicola's security pass.
Get it altered.
607
00:28:46,911 --> 00:28:49,671
She gets into the lobby
and the canteen. And that's it.
608
00:28:49,696 --> 00:28:51,840
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