All language subtitles for The Thick Of It s03e05.eng

Do you fancy a yogurt bar?

No, it makes my throat go claggy.
Thanks.

I'm actually really nervous
about tonight.

- Why?
- Well, you know,

last time I was on 5 live
I thought Simon Mayo

was going to be a walkover
and it was a bloody nightmare.

Well, you just got unlucky there.

I mean, I suppose
there has to be one person

that Simon Mayo doesn't get on with.

Well, at least I've met Richard Bacon
before, so...

- At that Red Cross thing.
- That's right.

- He's nice, actually.
- TERRl: Hmm.

NICOLA: Made me think
I must listen to his show.

- Did you?
- No.

- You heard it?
- Well, only since we knew you were...

(SIGHS) Can't wait
to go back to Radio 4.

Although, of course I'm much younger
than their core demographic.

I've just started listening to
jamie Theakston in the mornings.

- Uh-huh?
- Very, very sweet.

Apart from the prostitute thing.

NICOLA: Where is Olly?
GLENN: Well, I gave him the night off.

Relationship crisis.

He's got to go and cook Emma a meal.

Olly! Does he cook?

I thought he lived off
sandwiches and Tic Tacs.

- Ah!
- Oh, look, they're here already.

Why does the useless one,
she keeps staring at me?

Because she's a mentalist
and she loves you.

You ever crash your car
in the mountains,

she'll be the one
waiting to drag you out.

You've seen Misery?

I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?

- Ah!
- BACON: Hello, everyone!

- Hello.
- Hello.

I'm Richard, the presenter, good to
see you, this is Janice, the producer.

- Nice to meet you!
- Hello, lovely to see you again.

- GLENN: How do you do?
- Again?

Yes, British Red Cross do.

Right. Yeah, I remember, yeah.
Good to see you.

- Peter!
- Richard!

How are you?

That was great at the Oval.

- It was such a good day, wasn't it?
- It was fantastic.

I got a little bit pissed.

- Let's have a drink sometime.
- Yeah, sure.

All right, thanks for coming in tonight.

Listen, you probably know this,

we've got a breaking story
about fat cat city bonuses,

then piercings is after you,
but I might read out some texts about it

- during the interview.
- Get some texts coming in.

- Okay. Okay?
- And also you know it all goes out live,

so absolutely no swearing.

No swearing. Oh, we can all
thank our fucky stars for that!

We're going to start the show.

All right. Great.

- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, you're all in there.

- It's the green room.
- What? All in here?

- We're all in here?
- Yeah. Tea and coffee and stuff.

- Nicola?
- Thank you.

GLENN: Terri?
TERRl: Oh, thanks, yes.

(SOFTLY) The stupid one
keeps staring at me.

Could you block the view or something?

PHIL: Okay.
PETER: Okay.

- Sorry.
- Why isn't Emma here to help?

She's dumping Olly tonight.

Result. Probably crying
his eyes out right now,

like Kate Winslet
losing on a scratch card.

I mean, I thought you said
you were cooking dinner.

I'm absolutely starving.

Oh, yeah, I didn't realise
you had to cook lamb shanks

for a fucking fortnight.

You shouldn't be using Phil's
courgettes, you know. He counts them.

- Phil counts his courgettes?
- Every night.

As long as he doesn't do anything else
with them every night.

Right, look, let's...
Let's make the mood

little bit nicer, little bit sexier.

- Let's just...
- Oh! Sorry, Olly, I need that light.

- Can you...
- Sorry.

Sorry, just, only being
romantic, as I was ordered to

by the romance Nazi.

I'm going to talk to him.
This is stupid.

Who? Peter? Okay, I'll come with you.

He's only two feet away.

- No, let me, honestly.
- GLENN: I'll be right behind you.

So, hello then, Peter.

- Hello, Nicola.
- GLENN: Can I help you?

- I don't know.
- (STUTTERS) Sit, down, Phil.

Well, that's a nice tan you haven't
quite managed to get there, Peter.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, yes,
of course, that's very funny,

because of the shitstorm
you created about my second holiday,

I had to cancel my second holiday.

I see what you did there.
You should be in stand-up.

Glenn Elton.
Yes, indeed, ladies and gentleman.

Sorry about the puffin.

No, I don't give a fuck
whose birthday it is,

I'm going to enjoy myself here

listening to this Murray-Mannion
ding-dong on the radio.

The fat cat story's breaking, so the
opposition are gonna be sweating

like Vegas Elvis on a squash court.

Happy birthday, Malcolm.

Stop saying that, right?
Just you go home.

What is this? Don't...
Is this my new anal beads?

Okay, this has been x-rayed, yeah?

I'm not gonna get fucking
a present bomb in the face?

This could be from anybody.

(SIGHS) It's from the Prime Minister.

This is fucking Tom's idea
of a joke, yeah?

And he wonders why
we don't let him out in public.

Excellent! ?15 from the Golden Temple

and expertly home-chopped vegetables.

- It's a beautiful night in.
- What are you...

Ugh! Olly,
that is absolutely disgusting.

That's not disgusting,
it's fresh vegetables.

I'm not putting a raw sausage
in there, am I?

This is fun, isn't it? Hey?

This might be the most
enjoyable meal we've had

since I told your dad off
for using the N-word.

Yeah, well, it's not my fault

that Stewart asked me to rewrite
the CBI speech.

(RADIO PLAYING INTRO)

Gotta listen to this
Richard Bacon thing.

- Talk radio, sexy!
- Shh!

Don't worry. I've done some of my best
shagging to Caesar the Geezer.

Can you just stop talking shit
for a second,

so we can listen to your boss
talking shit instead?

ANNOUNCER: ... with Richard Bacon.

(BACON CHATTERING ON RADIO)

You know, when your mum walked out,

did you ever think maybe
that wasn't just about your dad?

Fourth sector, people power.

Inspiring each other
out of disadvantage.

And you need to put in the linking words
as well, not just the headlines.

I am going to talk
in complete sentences.

I think you should rehearse
with those headlines.

(SIGHS) Okay, how about
I believe in people power,

will you fuck off, Terri? Is that okay?

We call it the common sense checklist,
Richard. We need to cut red tape.

We were talking about that at the Oval
the other day, weren't we, Richard?

That's just the sound
of wickets falling.

(MOBILE RINGING)

- PHIL: Stewart...
- Stewart? Oh...

Oh, good. I wonder what Mr Political
Correctness Gone Boring wants?

Hi, Stewart.

Look, a little note for Peter, tell him
to dump the common sense checklist.

Yeah, it's an ex-list.

The new world order is this.

Hit the City hard, yeah?
It's reverse Gekko.

Greed is bad, money is awful.
I heart Tracy Chapman, yeah?

He wants you to scrap
the common sense checklist

and hit the City hard over the bonuses,
call them all money-grabbing wankers.

- Would you like to come through?
- What?

- Yeah.
- Phil.

Some of my best friends
are money-grabbing wankers.

And I've got to give a speech
to a roomful of them

tomorrow at the CBI lunch.
I'm not going to say,

"Hello, chums,
I've just taken a slash in the soup,"

so, no, the answer's no.

Stewart, um...
Peter's not going to want to do that.

No, I don't want him
to want to do it, Phil.

I just want him to do it.

Stewart says it's a JB diktat,
you have to do it.

Tell him to stick a goose up his arse.

He was struck on the foot after Bret Lee
ripped through their batting lineup

at Lord's,
Dimitri Mascarenhas is the man...

Rice is difficult to get right,
isn't it?

Rice is difficult to get right.
Why is that?

BACON ON RADIO: Are piercings
attractive to the gay youth...

God, this is hard work.

Coming up shortly, we've got
what could be a rather fiery showdown

between two political heavyweights.

After trading blows in the dailies,

it's now time for them
to meet face to face.

So, it gives me great pleasure
to introduce Nicola Murray...

- Hello.
...Secretary of State

for the Department
of Social Affairs and Citizenship.

Hello, again. I got it right that time.
I managed to come in at the right time.

Hello, and from the shadow cabinet,
the right honourable

Peter Mannion MP.

Hi, Richard. Good to see you again.

- The Mannionator!
- Good to see you again as well.

Uh, listen, guys, first of all...

How old are you?

Either of you got any piercings?
Any tattoos?

(NICOLA CHUCKLES)

Uh, I've got an appendix scar,
does that count?

(ALL CHUCKLE)

- Classic!
- Well, you know how it is.

Out with a bunch of pals,
got a bit tipsy,

rolled into casualty, yeah.

Hey, we all got it done.

Yeah! In your face, bitch!

That's very funny.
Nicola Murray, any piercings?

Um... Uh, no...

- Yes, you do.
- No piercings at all, no.

TERRl: You have got some piercings.

- BACON: Okay, all right.
- Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no.

Um, some people say that
my distinguishing feature would be,

probably my ears,
which I'm told are quite small.

BACON: Right.

But I do think we have to be
a little bit careful about

taking too light an approach
to culturally sensitive issues

like body piercing
or female circumcision...

Uh, earrings! Earrings.
I've got pierced ears.

(LAUGHS)

BACON: Let's leave that there.

Fuck me! This is like a clown
running across a minefield!

I'm really worried about Nicola.

She's behaving like a squirrel
trapped in a pedal bin.

What I'm asking you to do is,
have a word with, um...

Blondie, that producer.
And cut Nicola some slack,

because she needs
all the sympathy she can get.

The problem is, though, Glenn,
if you say to a journalist,

"Can you avoid that topic?"
That's when they really go for it.

I mean, it's like saying
to the school bully,

"I'll wet myself if you tickle me."

"Dear Richard,
I don't see the point of piercings.

"If you were a robot, you wouldn't
stick bits of dangling flesh

"all over yourself, would you?"

Now, more on the breaking news
that bank bonuses have tripled

in the past year. Peter Mannion?

Well, some people are paid
a great deal of money

for doing things that are very special,

like top footballers
or top entertainers,

and so will top bankers.

BACON: They are. Let's find out
what the callers make of it.

Jim in Taunton...

And we'll never know what
jim from Taunton's thoughts are.

What are your thoughts tonight,
Emma from this flat?

Oh, actually, we do need to talk.

That sounds ominous, like "did you until
recently have a cat" kind of...

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hang on, I've just got to take this.

Oh, fuck this. Right, okay. You do that.

I will go for a shit
with the lovely Polly Toynbee.

EMMA: Stewart, Hi.

Emma, poppet, look, uh, Peter is going
almost violently off-message

over at 5 live, so I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to scramble you.

I've sent a cab round,
just call me when you're en route.

(MOUTHING) Tell him to fuck off.

And if you get any problems,
solve those problems.

Okay, Stewart, I'm on my way.

- What? What?
- I've got to go to the office...

- I thought we had to talk...
- CBI speech. I'll talk to you later.

- All right, okay.
- I'll go, I've got to go.

What we would be looking for
is getting people to inspire each other

out of poverty, out of disadvantage.

How can you be
inspired out of poverty?

Well, I'm choosing to ignore
your rather cynical tone...

I'm not being cynical,
Nicola Murray.

It's a perfectly legitimate question.

How can you be inspired out of poverty?

Okay, you are being cynical,
but anyway, we'll park that.

Um, one of our initiatives
is to designate...

- Nicola fourth.
...certain people as fourth sector

pathfinders, now they would be
pillars of a normal community.

BACON: Are you talking about
have-a-go heroes, for example?

NICOLA: No, we're talking about
everyday heroes.

I assume you'd want to avoid
Charles Bronson-style vigilantes?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yes. Yes, we don't,
we don't want Charles Bronson.

More, more, Charles, uh... Dance.

Okay.

PETER: Or Chaplin, yeah?

BACON: Peter Mannion,
the animosity between you two...

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Oh, for Christ's... All right!
- Out!

Is that Nicola's doctor?
Probably trying to book a circumcision.

(GLENN SIGHS)

- Malcolm?
- Are you producing porno now

for the visually impaired?

(STUTTERS) What?

MALCOLM: Because what I'm hearing here,

on my radio is Nicola Murray
being roundly fucked.

What is this, Bukkake at Bedtime?
Just, fuck, put Olly on.

Olly? Well, he's not here.
He's at home.

Tell that fucking stick of celery
to get his arse out of there,

and get down to 5 live right now.

Tell him to inject some air
into Nicola's performance.

She's coming across like

a Nazi float at the fucking
Notting Hill Carnival.

It seems to me what I call,
a political meringue, uh...

Sweet but lightweight
and very little substance.

(PHIL CLAPPING)

PETER: What, what...

He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?

Uh, it's just such an old joke.
Can you just please get out?

Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both
fucking get out of the studio now?

You and fucking Rupert Brooke,
just out!

I know exactly what you mean.

The other day the BBC sent me
on a Health & Safety awayday,

where they taught me
how to carry a cup of coffee.

(LAUGHING) This is exactly what I mean.
That makes no sense.

That's nonsense

and we need to say no
to the nanny state,

boo to nanny

and claw back some
personal responsibility

in the name of common sense.

We need to... Hang on,
we need to say boo to nanny?

Yeah, it's just a play on
jools Holland's Hootenanny.

(STUTTERS) I didn't write it, it's not,

- But, you know...
- BACON: Right.

Hey nanny no.

- Right.
- PETER: That's...

- Oh, hello. Nice dinner?
- Fuck off, Bagpuss.

God, Kermode, your hands are massive.

- (MOBILE RINGING)
- It's already won a few major awards

and it's tipped for an Oscar nomination.

- Glenn?
- Sorry, mate.

I'm calling you in from your lovenest
by the orders of Pol Pottymouth.

No, no, I'm fine, I'm coming.
I am coming.

I was just on the verge of saying
that to somebody else,

only in a slightly higher voice.

Can I just pause there to read out
some texts on piercings?

"Dear Richard, my friend's daughter
got piercings all round her mouth,

"she looks like she works
in a ball bearings factory

"and there was an explosion
and all the shrapnel

"got embedded in her face.
I don't like it."

Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him?

Kind of. He's getting the message.

Look, I couldn't say while
you were together,

but I really don't know
what you saw in him.

You told me all the time
how much you hated him.

That was one of the main reasons
I went out with him so long.

Are you splitting up with Olly?

Sorry, can you actually
hear all right over there?

I can pop into the studio
and get some microphones,

- so you can get all the details...
- TERRl: No, I can hear fine.

I think that's a really good idea.
I mean, for your sake.

I'd back you up on that.

What, I have your backing?
Oh, fantastic.

- Thanks...
- Hey, Emma, look,

you're clearly overemotional right now.

Why don't you go home,

you know, drink some mojitos with
your girlfriends and talk about shoes?

- I've got it covered here.
- Yeah. Well, actually,

Stewart called me in because
he wanted me to SatNav Peter

out of the dead end
you've driven him into.

So, perhaps you should piss off

and read that Marie Claire
you nicked off me.

Hey, Stewart. He's great, isn't he?

"Boo to nanny?" Phil,
no one watches Jools Holland, yeah?

We need to be appealing to One Show man
and Holby City woman.

- What's he saying?
- Just shut up, Emma.

- The men are talking.
- Is Emma there?

- Yes, she is here.
- Thank God! Put her on, Phil.

EMMA: Stewart, hi.
STEWART: This is the brief. Got a pen?

- Yeah, hang on, have you got a pen?
- Yeah, you're not having it.

- Do you need a pen?
- Uh, I do, thanks.

Sorry, Stewart, hang on.

Why don't you have one
just sellotaped to your chin, Emma?

Write this down! Write on his shirt!
Just write it down.

- I'm serious.
- Are you listening to Daddy?

- Okay.
- I want you to pull some info, right?

On city bonuses, tax evasion,
non-doms...

Let's name and shame some fat cats.
I want to hear some fact-enforced noise!

- Terri?
- Hmm?

- EMMA: Okay, I'll call you back.
- Terri, a word.

Sorry, could I have my pen?

EMMA: Oh, sorry, yeah,
I wasn't going to keep it.

- My phone?
- It's a Parker, so...

Those two are absolutely awful.
She is a complete bitch.

- What?
- I think he might be simple.

Well, you should thank your lucky stars.

This is your chance to get away from
Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips.

I've done a list here
for all the fat cats and bonuses.

I wonder if you'd like
to run this in to Nicola?

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay, Good.

- Many thanks, Glenn.
- What?

For getting me in
on my special night off.

Emma was furious when I said
I was coming in here, she was moaning,

she was screaming

and then I said I was coming in here,
do you see what I did?

- I see.
- It's a funny joke

about my sexual prowess.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Oh, I'm having an affair
with Richard Bacon.

I'm incredibly aroused by men
with meat in their surname.

You. You told me...
I cooked a lovely meal...

Ordered. And it wasn't lovely.

What the fuck's going on?

Sorry, I've got to take this,
I'll talk to you later.

- So, she did come.
- EMMA: Hi.

She came into work.
Do you see what I did there?

Fuck off, Glenn.

NICOLA: When you yourself
were actually in cabinet.

BACON: Hmm.
NICOLA: We have tried repeatedly...

- (MOUTHING) Fuck off.
...to initiate legislation...

(MOUTHING) Go.

...which will outlaw these bonuses.

Now, your party has persistently
blocked those attempts...

BACON: I think
it's an interesting point.

What do you say, Peter Mannion,
to the accusation

that these huge bonuses
and the offence that they cause

are the fault of your party?

I think that's a completely
fatuous argument,

when Nicola's party
has been in government

for what seems like about a century

and bonuses under their watch
have increased...

What? Five fold? Oh, dear!

Come on, Nicola, pull your finger out.

Okay, fine. So you personally would like
to see more done to hit the fat cats?

Is that what you're saying?

(STAMMERS) Well, yes. I... I would.

If the person receiving the bonus
hasn't performed well...

Can I, can I simplify that?
Let me simplify this.

Would you outlaw bonuses?

(STUTTERS) In the case of them
being undeserved, yes...

Which the bulk of them are,
so basically you're saying

the bulk of your friends
in the City are disgusting.

No. No. No. Yes. Yes,
but only if the bonuses they receive

- are unfair...
- I think, well, I think we've got...

It's all right,
I think we've got your point.

Uh, thank you. Let's move on.

Let's go to Derek,
he's been waiting ages,

he's on the line. Derek.

Right. If you speak to me,
I will pour hot coffee on your balls.

Hey, guy, I don't want to fight,
I want to clear the air, actually.

We're like those two little,
them old people in the weather cock.

You come out, I'm in there
and then we're swapping round.

- You're Mr Sunshine, are you?
- I'm Mr Sunshine.

You're a little wooden twat
in a little wooden house!

There's no need, we can be friends.

I'm thinking two enemies,
they come together when they realise

it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir.

Me, Aragorn, the true king,
you, Boromir,

your horn is broken
and will be blown no more.

This inability to talk without using
Lord of the Rings metaphors

is one of the very many reasons
that we could never be friends.

Okay. By the way,
you'll be getting a bill.

That's okay though,
I presume you're expecting that.

Okay, I'll bite.

(SIGHS) Why will I be
getting a bill, Phil?

Ah, let me see, partial rent,
electricity, gas, internet use,

toilet paper... Kept a note
every time you were round at the flat.

You're moving out?

Oh, that's a shame! I'll miss
doing that secret and bad thing

I did with your roll-on deodorant.

I'm not moving out, I'm just guessing
that seeing how Emma's dumped you,

you won't be coming round much any more.

What?

Oh, let me just savour this moment.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you, God.

- She hasn't told you, has she?
- No, what?

- She's dumped you. She did it tonight.
- No, no.

- Hang on.
- She didn't do it tonight.

Let me get a little
photo of this moment.

- No, put the fucking...
- Hey, new desktop picture here.

- Put the fucking phone down.
- Olly being dumped.

- Put the fucking...
- She fucking told me...

- What she told me...
- Why would she tell you first, dickwad?

I've no idea. She told me to
get out of the flat tonight,

so she could dump you.

Anyway, in the words
of Shakespears Sister...

(GROANS) Fuck.

It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm,
I still win!

James Henderson, what's your point?

Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton?

You two know each other?

We've met, we know each other...

HENDERSON: We've met.
Yes, we have met.

I'm surprised to hear you
turning on the City boys.

You never found the JFU

donating huge wodges of cash
to your party disgusting.

(STAMMERS) Well,
that's a separate issue...

Even though everyone knows
they've got links with sweatshops.

- BACON: Wow!
- What?

Well, that's quite an extraordinary
allegation, very serious.

Yes!

BACON: Links to sweatshops?

That should be looked into but...

Oh, it's my birthday!

...I don't know the facts.

HENDERSON: I've just told you the facts.
Are you calling me a liar?

I can't believe my ears.

Did we just break a story that wasn't
"the Ipswich manager's got sacked"?

It's my birthday!

Cunt cake? Go ahead.

Right, Emma, look, look...
I'm just coming in.

Okay? Yeah, look,
I'll be 20 minutes, right?

So see if you can get Peter to do
something inoffensive for 20 minutes.

Hard boil four eggs!

(SIGHS) Oh, great!

You tell fucking Man at C&A
that I'm dumped before I do, is that it?

- What's he talking about?
- I thought he knew.

- Oh, you fucking twit!
- Sorry. I'm sorry...

Do you mind keeping it down?
Some of us are trying to listen.

I can fill you in.

Peter's tearing through her
like a Viking at a nunnery.

If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut.

- What?
- EMMA: What?

Yes, he's drowning in the party
donations. You should listen.

- Bullshit!
- GLENN: Oh!

(CHATTERING ON RADIO)

- Just, Emma...
- Shh. Shh!

You can't even fucking look at me.

We're trying to listen here now.

Shut the fuck up, Phil!

(ALL ARGUING)

Will you both go somewhere else!

Okay, do you want to shut up?
If you lot don't keep this down,

I'm going to have you all
ejected from the building.

You are the worst.
My chair still smells of your perfume.

Excuse me. For the record,
I have done nothing.

Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.

We need to go the news and sport here.

Just before that, a quick text.

"Dear Richard, I love piercings.

"They are part of who I am,
literally. Tina in Weymouth."

(INTERVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Where the fuck are Terry and June going?

Great. Good! Yes! I'm cooking now.

Cooking with gas!

I'm fucking Delia Smith!

I'm cracking eggs,
I'm pouring in baking powder,

I'm using fucking vanilla extract.
It's great!

That was not good.
That was the opposite of good.

Bad?

How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU?

I didn't actually hear that bit,
so I don't know.

You couldn't hear? Christ! You're...

(CHUCKLING) Sorry, it's just...

You're here to hear, Phil.
Why do you think you're here?

You're here to hear!
You're not here for eye candy!

Look, it's not my fault.
It was very noisy in here.

Olly and Emma
were splitting up at the time

- and I couldn't really focus...
- Emma? Emma?

- Why is Emma here?
- Stewart sent her down there.

Why have you got wet trousers?

Olly threw coffee at me.

I'm sorry, I seem to have wandered
into some 1970s Ray Cooney farce.

Is the vicar about to come round
with Brian Rix...

Right, back in.
Headphones on ears, arses on chairs.

Olly, we just, we don't make
any time for each other any more.

We're busy people.
We work really, really hard.

We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries.
Of course we...

Did you used to make
time for each other?

I mean,
I think that's the crucial question.

Sorry...

Okay, just for a second,
Aunt Terri, fuck off!

Where am I meant to go?

Pretend you've got to go
and have a shit or something.

You're going to be a lot
better off without him.

- What do you mean I'm going to be...
- You're not going to be better off...

Sorry, have you...
Do you talk about me at work?

Oh, fuck this!
This is like that nightmare I had

about being on Loose Women.

...that one at all. I mean,
everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig.

PHIL: I think that was just publicity,
just to keep it going.

Right. I'll go back to Loose Women.

Friend of mine thinks it's actually
May, Hammond and Clarkson,

purely 'cause Stig
is an anagram of "gits".

- Oh, right.
- I just don't think he should

- be talking about me at all...
- No. I agree. I absolutely agree.

...let alone on things
that are totally private.

Then the bank bonuses
are very high, aren't they?

I know you've been
talking about me, Terri,

because I've got this weird
Derren Brown thing going on,

where I can see and hear things, Terri.

So, Olly, what exactly have you been
saying to them in the office about me?

I've been saying you smell of fennel,

- you're racist...
- Olly.

...you torture horses
and you're in the Bangles.

That's what I've been saying
about you at work.

See, I think you've been
sexually bragging.

Well, don't flatter yourself.

Emma, I didn't send you here
so you could chat about your sex life.

I sent you here to back-block
Peter's narrative, hmm?

And what's happened to Phil?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him,

but not seeing him in man-made fibres.

He's just drying his...
He's drying his trousers.

PETER ON RADIO:
... a woman whose party created spin.

I don't want to know.

NICOLA: That's not true.

- Your party created spin...
- No, no, no.

- And we had to...
- No, no, no.

How perfect. Who should walk in...

I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah?

See the fat man that you're
berating like he's a pinata?

Well, I own him.

BACON: Peter Mannion,
that's a fascinating development.

Oh! And as we speak,

who should come rolling along
the corridor but Malcolm Tucker,

the man who was once
referred to as the Gorbals Goebbels.

STEWART: Oh, don't do a joke.
Peter, don't do a...

Peter Mannion, can you explain, please,

why your party spin doctor
has arrived entirely unannounced?

I would say it was an indication
of how seriously our party is taking

the allegations that we were...

- STEWART: Don't say it again!
...receiving donations from...

From a sweatshop labour company.

Ooh! Did you prep him
with this shit, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The last thing I said to him
was go in there and bomb.

(CHUCKLES) Well, it fucking worked.

Usually, he comes across like, you know,
just another third-rate Donald Sinden

but tonight, he's like
a ventriloquist's dummy

that's fucking falling to bits.

Yeah, it's really nice to see you

without those veins
in your temples throbbing.

'Cause you have really got
your work cut out with him, haven't you?

Look at the hair.
You've got to do something.

He's like fucking Swiss Toni.

Yeah, well, this is radio, Malcolm,

but it's great to be getting this
straight from you. Thanks.

Look, do you guys
have to make so much noise?

I don't know if they told you this
on your training day, love,

but this is fucking soundproofed,
that, they can't hear you.

I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them.

Look, can you please get out?

No. Actually, we...
We are entitled to be in here.

That lot, they should all be in here,

all of their political advisors
should be in here.

- I'm going to get them in here.
- No.

Night in and night out,

it strikes me that one
or both of you are in trouble.

- Something has happened.
- Well, I can assure you it's not me.

- I want to add to the party atmosphere.
- Gather around, everybody.

- I'm perfectly entitled to do this.
- There is a text here

from Tim in Ruislip.
This is what Tim's text says,

"Nicola is a hypocrite.
JFU also donate to the government.

"In fact, they donate twice as much
as they do to the opposition."

Can I just say to the listeners at home,
I have no idea what's going on now.

We're in a studio,
there's another room next door...

We have to get out, right? Okay.
Let's get, you know...

What you reckon, Malcolm?
It seems like a big issue to me.

It's not. We're going to
move on to piercings.

Janice, I'm sure in the interest
of balance, you'll want to...

Right, can you shut up, right?

- Malcolm's right, I decide what is news.
- Absolutely.

And this is fucking news.

Bullshit! Right, let's... See this here?

You do it and I will press
this fucking button.

JANICE: Don't fucking threaten me!
MALCOLM: This switch...

- Richard, Tim in Ruislip.
- You do that and I will...

BACON: We've just received
this text from Tim in Ruislip...

Ooh. She's actually put it through.

And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite.
JFU also donate to the government.

"In fact, they donate twice as much
as they do to the opposition."

That's your fucking career over, right?
Okay, you're fucking dead.

And those three little words,
"Tim in Ruislip",

are the fucking nails
in your coffin, dear.

(IMITATES HAMMERING) Tim. In. Ruislip.

Tim in fucking Ruislip.

And as for Tim in fucking...

Yeah, okay, can you stop
fucking saying that, please?

...fucking Ruislip,
he's fucking dead as well!

That fucking texting coward.

Give me his number.
What's his fucking number?

- Erase it.
- Give me the fucking number

- of Tim in Ruislip.
- Take it off the screen now.

If you don't give me his fucking number,
do you know what I'm gonna have to do?

I'm gonna have to fucking
go to fucking Ruislip

and fucking snap
the thumb and forefinger

off of every single person I see

who I think resembles the kind of wanker

that would be walking around
in this day and fucking age

with a name like fucking Tim!

How do you think that sounds, huh?

Quite, quite mad.

(WHISPERS) You and I
have to have a word.

BACON: ... witnessed that
pantomime through there...

(WHISPERS) I think
he wants me to step outside.

(CHATTERING ON RADIO)

Right. You're on, mate.
Come on. Get in there now.

I want you in there
rattling your fucking jewellery...

And talking about your
fucking Prince Albert, come on.

- He doesn't actually work here.
- Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose!

Come on, Johnny fucking Depp.
Get in here...

Get off.

I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet
down your throat

and watch your fucking face implode.
Get in there!

Here he is. Piercings. In you go.

Sit down there, son,
no problem, go ahead.

BACON: Now, I assume
you're here for the piercings debate.

Here's the fucking thing.

Nobody talks about
fucking dodgy donors, okay?

Because it makes everybody look bad.

Okay, I'll go
with a different angle, then.

How do you think it would land
with your female voters

if they were to find out
that Tom Rudd...

- Oh!
...forced his secretary

into having an abortion?

That was her own personal choice
and by the way, it wasn't his.

(WHISPERS) Over here.

Wow! So him paying
for that private clinic, then,

was just because he's such a nice man?

He is a nice man.

What about your nice man
at central planning, eh?

The one who got a bit carried away

and fucking slapped his kids about
a little bit too much?

Fucking broke the skin!

But he wasn't such a nice man, was he?

But I suppose that's just part
of your common sense checklist, yeah.

All they need is a good slap,

and do please remember
to leave your fucking rings on!

You go check your facts, Malcolm,

that was a domestic accident
and nothing more.

Domestic accident, yeah,
'cause he's got fucking hands

- the size of fucking doors!
- Sorry. Look...

Oh, you want to talk about hardmen,
Malcolm, yeah?

Now, I know you've got to be hard
to be a chief whip,

but really,
coke dealing at university?

- Oh! Please, please!
- Hey, am I right in thinking

he's now godfather
to one of the PM's kids, yeah?

Listen, you know what I have got at
the back of my fucking filing cabinet?

I have got a fucking photograph

that I've been waiting for
a fucking rainy day to show everyone,

which is a photograph
of your fucking shadow chancellor

at one of his fucking parties

dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders
and fucking blackface!

What's his defence going to be, hey,
when I email that to the fucking Sun?

(MOCKINGLY) "Oh, well,
I am just de shadow chancellor."

Malcolm, he won't have a defence
because you haven't got that picture

- because that didn't happen.
- I have!

However, I do have
a statement from a rent boy...

Oh, that's very useful for you.

You can claim that against
your expenses, can't you?

- Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
- And you'll get that for free.

Is that one of the fucking
perks of the job?

No, listen, his statement says

he will swear that one of
your prominent back-bench MPs

- paid him to shit on his chest.
- Don't!

(RADIO INTERVIEW CONTINUES)

Right, look, this is out of order, okay?

Here's the deal.

We both, both make statements
saying that our guys in there,

they were not in possession
of all the facts. Hmm?

But we're looking into it.

You'd do that?

Hang your own guy out to fucking dry?

What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah!

Old guard? We're not sending him
to DoSAC to fatten him up,

we're putting him
out to pasture, Malcolm.

We should just go home.

We can do that.
We can just seal this in.

Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM.

I mean, you carry on like this

and I might not find you
utterly fucking contemptible.

That's an incentive. I'll get my bag.

BACON: Have a look at Ben there.

Do you think that's art?

(STUTTERS) Well,
it's not really for me to say

and of course,
there's quite a lot of tattoos there,

as well as piercings.

And also you can take your guitar
and your Wii Fit.

- I bought you the Wii Fit as a present.
- Yeah, well, I don't want it.

- Well, you could fucking use it.
- What? What did you just say?

MALCOLM: They crucified him and
it was 'cause it was that programme,

but it's good that
he's found his way back.

I mean, if it had been Magpie,
nobody would have cared, you know.

STEWART: But no one cared about Magpie,
we never even watched it in our house.

Oh, by the way, happy birthday, Malcolm.

MALCOLM: Oh, don't you fucking start.

STEWART: Why?
It's not a special one, is it?

Fiftieth. Nah.

Uh, excuse me,
is this the car for Nicola Murray?

Oh, well, she said that I could take it.

Well, good night, Malcolm,
I'll see you on election night.

I'll pop round, pick up the keys...

What is this, are you working
the railways or something?

BACON ON RADIO: Andrew in Suffolk
writes, "The body is a temple.

"Temples aren't made of metal.
Case closed. "

MALCOLM: You couldn't turn that
to Magic FM, could you, mate?

Otherwise, I'm going to
have to tear my eyelids off

and scrunch them up
into fucking earplugs.

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