Original subtitles

[Crow caws]

- Oh, God. - Brick: Yes, it's my birthday.

But don't worry. I've taken care of everything.

I got my cupcake, I sang to myself,

and I opened the card from Grandma with the $2 bill in it.

I'm good.

Okay, look, first of all, we did not forget your birthday.

- We were just... - Don't even try.

Look, I don't care about any of the birthday accoutrements.

I just got it out of the way, so we could concentrate on this.

I thought you had to be 15 to get a learner's permit.

I am 15, and you signed the permit last week.

That's what that was? [Sighs]

I thought you were gonna learn how pizza gets made.

Look, I've read all the manuals.

I've got a phone book on the front seat,

which, coincidentally, I've also read.

I'm ready to go.

Now, I know you both want to share this iconic moment

with your son,

so I'm gonna leave you two to fight it out,

and I'll meet the winner in the car.

[Keys clatter]

Okay, now, before we start, it is important to remember...

[Tires screech, engine revs]

You're up.

- [Keys jingle] - Wow, that was fast.

Anything I should know?

The Lord's Prayer.

Frankie, wait.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Well, I don't know what went wrong with your dad,

but that's not gonna happen with me

because I am much more laid-ba... Aah!

[Tires screech, engine revs]

It was 12 hours ago, and I'm still sweating.

It's like a high-speed heart attack.

- [Door opens] - Okay, people, I need your help.

This is serious. All hands on deck.

Sue, you can't just burst in here.

We could have been...

watching TV.

I need to declare a major by Tuesday.

I know I said I was all-in on theater,

but I'm starting to have second thoughts...

and third thoughts and a few fourths.

Well, the good news is you have lots of...

I'm thinking German.

German? Where'd that come from?

Well, I'm taking a German class this semester.

My professor said I have a real ear for it.

[Speaking German]

Wow, Sue, I didn't know you could...

But I still love acting,

and so I'm considering a double major of theater and German.

Oh, I don't know. That could be...

But I really love horses,

so veterinary medicine is still right there in the running.

You've been running with veterinary medicine?

What happened to archeology?

That was two majors ago. Keep up.

Well, no, no, no, no, no.

I haven't ruled out archeology yet,

so here's what I'm thinking.

A triple major with one minor.

Or better yet... a quadruple major.

My adviser says no one has ever quadruple majored,

but no one had landed on the moon before someone did it.

[Gasps] Astronomy!

[Door opens, keys jingle]

Mom? Dad?

Anybody here to take me driving?

- Hello? - [Keys jingling]

Where are you guys?

Hm.

[Sighs]

[Door opens]

Watch your head, dude. Whoo!

All right. Laundry done.

So, how's it going?

That one of Mom's nightstand cookies?

I want to practice my driving,

but Mom and Dad are never around.

Driving?

Got to be 15 to get your permit.

I am 15.

Thought you were 12.

Are you sure about this? I'm about to drive your house.

Hey, if you can handle the 'Bago, you can handle anything.

It's like my theory on math.

If you start with calculus, then the rest of it...

like adding and subtracting... will come easy.

I didn't know that you knew calculus.

I don't 'cause they didn't start with it.

- [Engine starts] - All right,

we'll just strap in and then...

Whoa!

Easy there, Earnhardt.

I got some meatballs cooking back there in a Crock-Pot.

[Horn honks]

Um, where's the turn signal on this?

Who cares? That's the beauty of the 'Bago.

People just get out of your way.

[Horn honks]

Mike, the dryer's doing that thing again!

Come in here and I'll show you!

- [Whispering] Come here. - [Whispering] What?

Okay, I just brought you in here to get out of earshot.

Oh, so the dryer's not really broken?

Oh, it's definitely broken.

- I just didn't want Sue to overhear us. - Oh.

Should we be concerned about how much we hide from our kids?

It's just I'm worried about her, Mike.

She's got two days to pick a major,

and she's being so unrealistic.

She is all over the place. German? Theater?

Where's the future in that? She's not good.

God, no, she's terrible.

And even the majors

that are a little bit more practical are a reach.

I mean, veterinary school?

That's harder to get into than med school.

Remember the time that Doris got her head stuck in the recycling bin?

Sue panicked.

She ran to the fire department in her underwear.

Nobody wants a vet like that.

I think we got to talk to her.

I-I mean, I want her to do something that she loves

but still practical, you know?

When did people decide they got to like what they do?

- Work is work. - I know.

There's only four fun jobs in the world anyway.

Baseball player, football player, basketball player,

bounty hunter.

Bounty hunter?

Yeah, it's cool.

All right, so, we're agreed.

We can't let her choose from four insane majors.

[Gasps]

I thought I heard keys.

Okay, I'll handle it.

Mm-hmm.

- ["Jammin'" plays] - We're drivin'

I want to drive it with you

We're drivin'

Drivin'

And you're gonna take a right up here

- [Timer dings] - Oh, meatballs are done.

Ha-ha!

Oh!

Oh, and, uh, just keep going straight.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, let's see.

- [Thud] - Still straight?

Yeah.

- A-Axl. - Whoo!

- Axl! - [Thud]

Okay.

Whoa, Brick! Brick, stop!

Stop, stop, stop!

We're jammin', we're jammin'

We're jammin', jammin'

[Music shuts off]

[Sighs] I can't sleep.

Every time I shut my eyes, I see that cow.

Oh, now you see it.

Hey, this is your fault.

You're the one that kept telling me to go straight.

[Sighs] Yeah, you're right. It is my fault.

I didn't think I had to tell you to stop

when you got to the giant polyurethane cow.

Neither of us is innocent here, Axl.

There's cow on both our hands.

[Sighs] I can't go on like this.

I think we have to just come clean and turn ourselves in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, when we have a nerd emergency,

like where to put a bookmark, we'll be taking your advice.

But everything else, we'll listen to me.

Okay, pranks like this happen all the time.

We just got to lay low, and eventually, it'll all blow over.

Frankie: Unfortunately, Axl wasn't even close.

Bill: That cow's been there for 70 years, Frankie.

70 years. Never seen anything like it.

I'm telling you... Orson is under attack.

- Wait. What? - Frankie: - Oh, my God. Didn't you hear?

Somebody targeted the Orson cow,

knocked it right off its pedestal.

They found it just lying on the ground.

- Wow. - Weird.

I'm telling you, it's the beginning of the end.

You heard about the trouble they had in Jasper, right?

Watch out 'cause Orson, yeah, it could be next.

Next for what?

Exactly, Mike. We don't know.

I mean, this was clearly a coordinated operation

planned and executed in the dark of night.

Who would want to attack Orson?

Just last week, I saw a guy with a dirty backpack

hanging outside the Tastee-Freez, yeah.

Oh.

Now, could be just a guy walking across America for charity,

or could be a bad element.

We don't know.

Well, the Orson Patch put their best reporter on it.

Pulled him off the leaf-blower expos? to go full time on this.

That's 15 hours a week.

I don't know. Cow tipping?

Sounds to me like this whole thing is just a prank.

An easily forgettable prank. Kids will be kids.

Let's not encourage them by giving them press.

I heard Nancy Donahue's organizing

a community task force.

Whoever those vandals are, they are in trouble now

'cause that woman gets stuff done.

Oh, she's on it all right.

Operation Protect Our Orson is well under way.

They're gonna bring these tippers to justice.

You know, the sheriff was quoted in the Patch saying

he wasn't gonna rest until somebody's head was on a spike.

All right, I'm gonna go to the hardware store

to get some padlocks and an American flag.

Can I get you guys one?

No, we're all set. I got to get to work.

Hey, uh...

be careful out there.

I told you we got to turn ourselves in.

What? Why?

You heard them...

they're putting people's on spikes.

I don't know.

I think my head would look pretty good on a spike.

Your head doesn't even look good on your body.

How are you not more worried about this?

'Cause, dude, they got no evidence.

There's nothing that links us to the crime.

That's not entirely accurate.

Aw, is that the cow horn?

Dude, why did you bring this here?

I didn't mean to.

When we got out of the Winnebago to check the damage,

I picked it up.

Then realized my fingerprints were on it, so I just took it.

So you brought home the one thing that incriminates us.

I panicked, and for good reason.

There's no way we're getting out of this.

In books, they always catch the culprit.

[Sighs] What books?

How about any Sherlock Holmes novel?

Have you read

- "The Hound of the Baskervilles"? - No.

- "A Study in Scarlet"? - No.

- "The Valley of Fear"? - No!

But I have seen "Captain America."

What happens in that?

I don't know. I kind of lost the plot.

Seriously, Axl, what are going to do?

[Groans] Just give me a second. I need to think.

[Exhales deeply]

What did happen in "Captain America"?

- [Keyboard keys clacking] - Hey, Sue. You busy?

Just donating $10 to Protect Our Orson.

Oh, and I e-mailed Reverend Timtom,

and he's racing back from Waukesha.

We need his songs now more than ever.

Oh, and I'm thinking of adding criminal justice

as one of my majors.

Yeah, um, about that. I've been thinking.

And all those majors sound great,

but four seems like a lot.

Plus, every credit costs money,

so you might want to narrow it down a little.

Oh. So... just theater then?

That might be a little too narrow.

I mean, what if theater doesn't turn out to be your thing?

- Ah. German. - Mm, maybe.

Maybe, although I don't know

if I'd want to put all my eggs in [German accent] dat basket.

Fine. Large-animal vet it is.

Okay, Sue, I'm just gonna break it to you.

There's no inheritance, so you need a job that pays well.

[Scoffs] Vet pays well.

Yeah, but it takes a lot of time.

Wait, wait, wait. Do you not think I can do it?

Mom, I know when Doris got her head stuck,

I freaked and ran into the street in my underwear,

but that is the kind of thing they teach you to handle

in veterinary school.

I'm not saying that you can't.

I'm saying you have to be practical.

You can't just sign up for everything that looks fun.

- I... - You need to, you know, focus.

Right now you seem a little all over the place.

All over the place?

[Speaks German]

Okay, look, Sue.

A lot of people sacrificed so you could go to college.

And you got four years,

so you got to take those four years seriously.

I am quadruple majoring, Mom.

What is more serious than that?

Okay, look.

Mom, no offense, but you didn't even graduate from college.

Hey, I may not have graduated from college,

but that just makes me an expert in knowing how important it is.

I mean, the only reason you're still in school

is that your dad sold his diaper business.

- So, you... - Wait. What?

Crap. [Sighs]

All right, yep.

When that whole financial-aid thing got screwed up,

he didn't want you to miss an entire year of school,

so your dad sold his business.

Axl: Hey, I got a question.

Have either of you guys seen "Captain America"?

What?

All right.

That should be deep enough. Drop it in.

I don't know about this, Axl.

Brick, I am sure of two things in my life.

One... my head would look good on anything.

And two... if you want a problem to go away,

you dig a whole and you bury it.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

If you start digging around this yard,

in five minutes, you'd hit report card.

You gonna hug me again?

No.

I mean, I want to, but I can wait.

I've been thinking a lot about everything Mom said,

and you guys are right.

I need to just pick one major.

So just tell me what you want me to do, and I will do it.

What? I'm not gonna do that.

Why not? You told Axl what to major in.

Axl needed to be told to close his mouth when he takes a shower.

But you gave up everything for me.

I don't want to disappoint you or make another mistake.

Tell me what you want me to do. You have to. Please?

Look, you were never supposed to know

what happened with the business.

That was my choice.

And maybe I didn't do you any favors trying to protect you,

but I just didn't think you should have to worry about that.

You're asking me what I want for you.

I don't know.

I-I'll tell you what I don't want for you.

I don't want you to be on a first-name basis

with the operator from the gas company,

even though Joyce is very nice

and lets us spread the bill over three credit cards.

I don't want you to have to share a battery

between both your cars.

I don't want you to have to hope for a tornado

to bring your next appliance.

I'm not trying to scare you, kid,

but... it's hard sometimes living like we do.

And, uh...

what I hope for you

is just that it can be different.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

[Indistinct conversations]

Axl! Brick! I've been looking for you boys.

I'm not getting enough outreach to the young people in town.

Can you two pass out some fliers?

Oh-ho, of course. Anything to help.

- It's a terrible situation. - [Dog barking]

I mean, we've been up all night thinking about it.

That is the truth.

These fliers have to go to the teen center,

but make sure they don't go to kids under 10.

I don't want to scare anyone.

Oh.

I see you went with Franklin Gothic,

the most serious of fonts.

So, did you boys hear?

Because of where the cow was hit,

the police have determined that the perps were driving

a large white or off-white vehicle.

- [Coughs] - Bill: Nancy.

Hey, Paula, just texted me.

There's a car parked at the Panera Bread

with an out-of-state license plate.

Yeah, so, she's gonna send a picture.

Okay.

Okay, you heard him, people!

There's a suspicious vehicle at the Panera Bread.

Let's move!

And see what the soups are.

Oh, my God.

They've I.D.'d the paint color of the vehicle now.

Why would you park the 'Bago out front?

Duh, it's called hiding in plain sight.

Don't do anything different to attract suspicion.

G-Get your nose out of a book and watch some TV.

I'm telling you, they're gonna find out it was me.

I mean, who else could it be?

I'm the one who lost the town slogan contest.

"Orson, the heartland's hidden gem."

It goes right to motive.

Okay, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

No one's offered up a reward yet, so we're gonna be the kids

who volunteer their hard-earned allowance

to help catch the criminals, huh?

We can't afford that.

Oh, my God, Brick, how can you be so smart

and so dumb at the same time?

It doesn't matter.

No one's gonna collect the reward

'cause we're the ones who did it.

I don't like this, Axl. I don't like it at all.

We're getting in too deep on this thing.

I think it's too risky.

Wait.

- I think I got it. - A plan?

No, the plot to "Captain America."

A small bunny cop and a con-artist fox work together...

Okay, people,

I have been thinking about everything you've said,

and I know what I want my major to be.

[Clears throat] I think it's a good decision.

I am going to major in...

...hospitality and hotel management.

Is that a real thing? Is that something people can do?

Yeah, I just found it.

I was researching other majors,

and it turns out the school is known for this program.

Listen to this.

92% of graduates find employment within six months,

and there's tons of benefits.

I mean, I had never really heard of this as a major before,

but it makes complete sense for me.

It's people-driven, so I could use my Dollywood experience.

If I'm working abroad...

[Speaks German]

And if it's a pet-friendly hotel,

I'll get to be around animals.

Plus, think of all the binders I would have.

You know how I feel about binders.

Oh, Sue, hotels... that's awesome.

Yeah. Dad, what do you think?

I think we got a winner.

[Squeals] Okay!

Okay. My major is...

- [Computer chimes] - ...declared.

- Ah! - [Laughter]

Yay!

Yeah!

Rev. Timtom: You know, the same God made both cow and man

From similar but utterly different plans

But cows don't turn on each other when one says boo

They share the field and make methane while they moo

We can learn a lot from our bovine friends

Our spots might be different, but our future depends

On herding together and getting along

That's what makes us Orson strong

- [Cheers and applause] - That's right. Orson strong.

Nancy: Thank you, Reverend Timtom.

Now, let's get down to business.

We're here to talk about this horrific vandalism

that has besmirched our beloved Orson.

They can knock down our cow,

but they can't knock down our spirit!

[Cheers and applause]

Now, as an example of Orson pride,

there are two special individuals

I'd like to bring up.

They've offered a reward from their own money of $500.

Come on up here, Axl and Brick Heck.

- Oh, crap. - They did it.

[Cheers and applause]

Uh, shucks. We just wanted to do our part.

After all Orson is the heartland's hidden gem.

You know, as a town,

we're probably gonna have to accept the fact

that we'll never actually find out who did this, but...

Derrick: I know who did it.

Derrick Glossner?

I'm gonna tell you who did it right now.

Donald Wayne Glossner.

Glossners. I knew it.

Yep, he stole the ice-cream truck again

and rammed into the cow.

Why'd you do it, Donald?

None of your damn business.

Okay, then, I want my money.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

We can't just hand out money

without a proper investigation, right?

And since when is it legal to give a reward

to one relative for turning in their brother?

'Cause if that's a possibility...

I've actually got a great song for just such an occasion...

about two little scamps called Cain and Abel.

Oh, Cain and Abel

Not now.

Sheriff.

Well, I don't know.

If says that Donald did what he's accused of,

then a reward might...

I'm telling you I know he didn't do it.

How do you know that?

[Gasps]

Okay, in light of new information, we're gonna wrap this up.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Play us out. Play us out.

Cain and Abel fought terribly

What's going on?

In fact, they needed anger-management therapy

'Cause when Abel said, "Just you wait till God gets home"

Cain hit him in the head with a great big stone

Not cool

They should've just talked it out

Brothers and sisters, just talking it out

Yep, in a small town,

things sure can get blown out of proportion.

But the nice thing about a small town

is folks are also willing to give you a second chance.

Look, boys.

I reckon all of us make a mistake at one time or another.

I once put a king snake in my neighbor's pool.

But we're willing to let this one slide

as long as you two do a little community service.

And in the spirit of service,

I've taken the liberty of signing you up

for my intensive Laboring for the Lord good work squad.

And, you...

it's gonna be at least a year

before we let you get behind the wheel again.

I'm sorry, son.

But that license is just gonna have to wait.

["Jammin'" plays]

Ooh, yeah

Every week, huh?

Every week.

A year will go fast.

We're jammin'

Jammin', jammin', jammin'

I want to jam it with you

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