Original subtitles

[Crow caws]

It's just so strange.

I've never seen anything like it.

Hey, guys. What are you looking at?

Whoa.

[Both giggling]

What is Axl doing?

I think he's frolicking.

Oh, my God!

Is that what love looks like?

Why you asking us?

Hey, Brick, got a haircut.

Ah, it's not my choice. I did it for Cindy.

The heart wants what it wants,

and apparently it wants vintage Brick.

So, what's up, honey?

You escaping your gross dorm room for the comforts of home?

That's a sad state of affairs.

[Sighs] Yeah. We have a bit of a mold issue.

Lexie's dad flew her to Barbados for the weekend.

Plus I'm still 20% scared of ghosts.

[Sliding door opens]

I'll be right back, babe! I ache when I'm not with you.

[Laughs]

[Snaps fingers] Knit hats, let's go.

April thinks it'd be cute if we're both wearing them.

Um, I'll have to check if I have any.

How do you not know if you have knit hats?

Oh, God, you are so unorganized!

Dad, you got to stop being so scared of Mom

and tell her to get a basket of knit hats.

What are you looking at, Frodo?

That seemed harsher than normal.

Now, look, Brick, Halloween is right around the corner.

So if there's anything you need fashioned out of feathers,

tell me now so I can give Nancy Donahue some lead time.

Actually, now that I'm in high school,

it's more about parties than trick-or-treating.

Oh, you're going to a party, huh?

Negative, but Troy, Cindy, and I

are planning on standing on the periphery of one

and hoping to be invited in by a parent.

[Sliding door opens]

Hi, I'm April.

[Chuckles] Yeah, we know.

Looks like you guys were having fun out there.

This is my favorite time of year.

The end of fall, right before autumn begins.

- Mm. - [Chuckles]

Oh, babe, the little girls' room is right down the hall.

Okay.

First door on the left.

Don't be gone too long now.

[Chuckles]

- [Slams table] - Do we not have any cocoa? God.

Ooh, I would love a cup of cocoa.

Dogs can't eat chocolate!

April: Oh, my God.

Is this you when you were little?

Way to go, Mom.

Thanks for leaving photos on the wall!

Who does that?!

Okay, it's not fair that he's so nice to her

and so mean to us.

Yeah, what is going on?

He was getting nicer.

He let me stay in his room.

He was inviting me to parties.

And now he's all, "Dogs can't have chocolate!"

And yesterday he called me a horse,

which isn't the worst thing, except he also did this.

[Neighs]

I know what's going on.

The kid's got a certain amount of snark that's got to come out,

and since he's with April 24/7, it's got nowhere to go.

It's... It's like a plugged-up hose.

The water's gonna come out somewhere.

So what, we're just supposed to sit back and get bullied?

Well, that's what I usually do,

but I thought you guys would have other options.

The guy's in love. Let's give it a couple weeks.

If he starts saying that I'm scared of Mom again,

I'll put the hammer down.

Hey, Brick.

Just kind of looking for a quiet place to study.

[Clicks tongue]

Hmm.

You know, it's funny. [Chuckles]

I gave you my room for the summer.

Poof! Summer's gone.

Where does the time go?

Well, it's always summer somewhere.

I guess, but summer in Orson... definitely over.

Is it, though?

'Cause we're kind of having an Indian summer.

According to Axl's girlfriend, it's fall and almost autumn.

But you're only here for the weekend.

True, but I'll be needing my room at Thanksgiving,

and that is right around the corner.

Not "right around" the corner, and Thanksgiving

is really more about being together with family.

It's also about me spending time in my room.

Plus, turkey has a lot of tryptophan,

so that's gonna make me tired

and I'm gonna want to sleep in my bed,

which is in my room.

Have they really proven the tryptophan thing?

Yeah, Brick. It's pretty proven.

Well, we can go back and forth on this all day.

It's my room, Brick.

You've made some very excellent points.

It's a lot to chew on.

[Whistling]

What are you doing?

Axl. Axl! A...

Oh! Babe!

Got that for you.

Oh, you guys gonna carve pumpkins?

How'd you connect those dots?

It's just that you never really seemed

interested in doing that before.

When have you ever asked me to carve pumpkins?

Hmm, let me think.

Uh, every Halloween since you were 5,

and a couple of Christmases

when we still had pumpkins lying around.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Are those my magazines?

Oh, no, no, no!

Don't wreck anything with a royal on the cover.

Those are collector's items.

Oh, and look.

It's the special Shakeups and Breakups issue.

I never got to read this 'cause it was right when Brick was born

and he was colicky.

I believe that was the Ferguson baby who was colicky.

[Gasps] Brad Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston?

Oh, yes, they were Hollywood's golden couple,

and they just couldn't make it work.

Oh. [Gasps]

Yeah, says here he wanted kids and she didn't.

Yep. Probably a good thing they didn't have kids.

How would they decide which parent to go with?

You got to go with Pitt.

I mean, he was Thor.

Mm, that was Chris Hemsworth.

He's dreamy.

What if Mom and Dad got a divorce?

Who would we go with?

- Dad. - Dad.

Dad.

Okay, it's not so much that you all said Dad.

It's the swiftness with which you said it.

Why don't you just take a minute

and think about it before you answer?

- Dad. - Dad.

Dad.

Okay, then.

It's nothing personal.

I just think Dad would need me more.

I don't think he could survive without a woman in his life.

Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn't go with Dad.

Thank you, Brick.

I'd go with Axl and April. She smells really nice.

I just finished a Life Saver.

[Chuckles]

Well, listen, it's okay. I get it.

Nobody wants to live with the big mean mom monster.

'Cause we're always like, "Brush your teeth!

Do your homework! Flush!"

[Chuckles] Yeah.

I guess that's just the way it's always been.

Moms always get the raw end of the deal, right, April?

I'd definitely go with my mom.

We're best friends.

Aww.

Well, this is a fun conversation. [Chuckles]

No, that's what I love about my family.

We can just be who we are and razz each other.

We're a family of razzers.

It's funny, 'cause we'd never get divorced anyway.

I mean, neither of us would have an affair.

We're too tired. Am I right?

[Laughs] No, seriously, I'm fine.

It's not like we're asking you guys to say

which one of us you love more.

You don't have to answer that!

[Chuckles]

No, no, no. I miss you more. [Chuckles]

Well, I was dreaming about you and I woke up missing you.

Ugh. Oh.

Babe, I got to go. My service animal's awake.

- [Cellphone beeps] - [Sighs]

[Coughing]

Aah!

Okay, you know what? No!

I do not care if you are a plugged-up hose.

You cannot treat me this way, and neither can Brick!

I want my room back!

May I help you?

W-What is this?

I've added some new security measures.

Santiago and I didn't feel safe.

Tina. I don't know who that is.

Tina is the name I gave my bedroom, and I want her back!

There's no need for you to raise your voice.

[Grunts] Here's the dealio, Brick.

My room at school stinks. Axl's room stinks.

I need a sanctuary.

When I am a working actress

living half the year in Hollywood

and the other half on Broadway,

then you can have it, but not until then.

I was maybe gonna let you use it if I do a semester abroad in Houston,

but now we'll have to see.

- Sue, here's the thing about Santiago. - Tina.

I didn't expect Santiago and I to get so close.

Ugh!

I gave you my room as a Not Mother's Day gift

out of the goodness of my heart,

but now I want it back.

No. I need it back.

And I would hope that as my brother,

you would understand that.

Your words are moving.

But I'm not.

Okay, fine, Brick.

I don't need a sanctuary. I have a sanctuary in here.

And just so you know, you are not gonna be visiting me

on Broadway or in Hollywood.

Maybe Houston.

I'd really like the whole family to see that

because they have a nice harbor area.

So, I'm gonna stop and pick up some toilet paper at CVS,

unless you're gonna grab some from work.

No, I think they're onto me,

so I'm gonna lay low for a while.

Oh, and I'm still mad at you

about that whole divorce thing the other day.

Where did that come from?

You said we needed toilet paper,

which reminded me of the bathroom,

which reminded me of my magazine,

which reminded me how mad I am.

What are you mad at me for? I didn't say anything.

Yeah, exactly. You didn't say anything.

You just sat there quietly soaking up all our kids' love.

Come on. That was like two days ago.

Yeah, I know, but I couldn't get mad in front of April.

I don't want her to see our dirty laundry.

Our actual dirty laundry was on the counter.

Whatever. I wanted to tell you how mad I was, but I forgot.

Come on, Frankie.

There's not enough to be mad about now?

You got to go digging in the past?

It was a stupid little argument.

I'm not mad, I'm hurt.

Kind of hard to tell the difference.

Okay, fine. I'm mad.

And I know everybody was kidding

about not wanting to live with me.

- I wasn't. - Sue: Axl, that's mean.

Mom, if it makes you feel any better, I'd live with you.

No, it doesn't make me feel any better.

I don't want your pity vote.

If I'm not your first choice, forget it.

Conversation over.

Although I'd love to know what's so great about this guy.

Well, he's not yelling at us at 9:30 in the morning.

[Sighs] I think what A...

Axl is trying to say is you can get a little excitable.

What do you mean I get excitable?

I don't get excitable. Am I excitable now?

How can I put this?

You're a strong cup of coffee.

[Sighs] So, you want to live with him?

He's boring!

I bring vim and verve to this family.

I'm like a three-ring circus compared to this guy.

He's like watching a Jerry Lewis movie

and skipping through all the Jerry Lewis parts.

Who? Who? Who?

[Sighs]

Forget it. Geez.

Although I want to know why all of you guys think

it would be so hard to live with me.

I don't know. You honk a lot.

You're always saying, "What's the haps?"

And then there's your clapping.

Oh, yeah. Totally.

My clapping? What's wrong with my clapping?

It's got this really weird pitch to it,

and it's really... Loud.

- Axl: Yeah, it's like you hate your hands. - Mm-hmm.

That's why I didn't want to watch the finale

of "The Bachelor" with you.

So, I'm just the annoying mom

who claps too loud and is excitable.

Why don't you start making a list

of all the things you don't like about me?

Don't start a list.

Okay, you guys, maybe we should all just live with Mom.

I got to stay with Dad.

He's the one who would keep the house

and I'm really starting to like your room.

Why does Dad get to keep the house?

- Well, he's got all the kids. - Mm-hmm.

Look, this whole conversation is pointless

because nobody's getting divorced.

Don't be so sure.

You know why they want to live with you.

'Cause they know nothing about you.

Huh. No, I'm serious.

What do we really know about him? Hmm?

Once a week he eats sardines on crackers and he likes the Colts.

Don't you see what's happening here?

He's winning because he's silent.

He's a statue.

I'm the one who tells him, "Go talk to your son.

See how your daughter likes college."

He's a puppet.

I'm just sticking my hand up there and making him talk.

I'm Wayland Flowers and he's Madame.

- Who? - Who? Who?

The ventriloquist on the "Hollywood Squares."

- What's "Hollywood Squares"? - What's a ventriloquist?

Okay, I'm the one who's always done everything for you.

I wiped your noses. I wiped your butts.

[Scoffs] You know what? Go ahead.

You want to live with your dad, live with your dad.

But guess what.

He doesn't like to shop,

so all that stuff you're eating right there,

I'm just gonna take it away.

Yep. That's right.

This is what it's like living with your dad.

Sardines and silence.

So, that's what you guys want, well, then you can be...

April. [Chuckling] Hey.

Just serving the family breakfast.

Kind of a Monday morning tradition.

[Chuckles] Here you go.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Frankie: So, yeah, you know, moms are abused.

But the best that you can do is role-model good behavior

and just kill them with kindness.

Hey, Axl. Nice costume.

What are you, an oldtimey army captain?

[Sighs] I'm Prince Charming. God.

Or I could just kill 'em.

So, you and April going to a party or something?

Well, I wanted to go to a party, but April thought it'd be fun

to dress up and hand out candy to kids,

so I'm doing that 'cause when you love someone,

you're nice to them.

[Chuckles]

God. Move, Mom!

Hey, Brick. Going out tonight, huh?

Are you gonna be out, like, the whole night?

Uh... no.

Actually, I'm not.

Really?

You're not going trick-or-treating?

No, ma'am.

Then why are you dressed like a bowling pin?

No reason.

Huh. Seems like an odd choice of wardrobe just for hanging out.

Well, the rest of my clothes are in the laundry.

That is a very plausible story.

It's why I said it.

Okay, then.

I am going to take out the trash

because everything makes sense here.

[Chuckles]

[Sliding door closes]

[Door opens, closes]

[Grunts]

Yeah.

[Sighs]

Aah!

[Pounding]

[Screams]

[Muffled shouting]

Open this door!

What the hell is going on in here?

Brick stole Tina.

- He won't give it back... - She's going back to college anyway.

...and he said the summer's not over and he's wrong!

Hey! That's it.

Everyone's going back to their original rooms.

And no more naming things that shouldn't have names.

The name of this room is room!

Mike: Frankie!

You're not gonna believe what these numbnuts did.

Dad, if you'll just listen to me,

- it is not my fault! - She knocked me over with a basketball!

I don't want to hear it!

[Grunts] Mom, it is not fair.

I gave Brick my room, and now I have a broken door

[groans] and a hole in the wall!

I'm sorry I did that, Sue,

and maybe I held onto your room too long.

But you know what? At least you have a room.

I don't have anything of my own.

No baby pictures, clothes from the cousin box.

I don't even have a chair at the dinner table.

None of you have walked in my shoes.

I don't even walk in my shoes!

I walk in Cousin Jared's shoes.

I don't know why you guys are telling me this.

You should tell the guy you chose to live with.

What?

I'm just saying, you're only gonna see me

on weekends and every other Christmas,

so you better get used to it.

Oh, my God.

Is she really still talking about this hypothetical divorce?

Yes, she is.

I was really hurt.

You know, when your kids are teenagers,

everyone says, "Oh, don't worry.

When they get older, they will appreciate you

and be thankful for everything that you do for them."

Well, you are older.

And it just hit me that that's never gonna happen.

You know, that divorce might've been hypothetical,

but my feelings are very real,

and if hurting my feelings was what you were trying to do,

well, congratulations on a job well done.

[All groan]

Ooh.

Aah.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

You people are gonna sit there

and try to make me feel crappy about myself?!

- Hi! - Hey, April!

[Chuckles]

We're just doing our Halloween thang.

No, you know what? If you're gonna be hanging around here,

you should hear this, too, because I am through

being this family's punching bag!

And I am sorry if I have an annoying clap,

and I am sorry that I like dancing

to the "Law & Order" theme,

or that I'm not good at fast-forwarding with the remote.

But guess what. I am done defending myself.

If you're all so perfect, you can have each other.

Take a last look at this annoying, clapping mom

that nobody wants to live with, 'cause I am storming out!

All: Trick or treat!

Ooh, aren't you cute.

Oh, look a pirate. [Laughs]

Shiver me timbers.

Storming out!

[Door slams]

As far as storming out goes,

I picked a pretty good night to do it.

I followed a kid with a hole in his candy sack.

[Snapping fingers]

I was able to prevent some wayward teens

from going down the wrong path.

And to cap it all off, I popped by Nancy Donahue's

Bible-themed haunted house.

Oh, that apple does look good.

But I just don't know.

Ron: All ye!

Ignore the temptation.

Come, walk on the water with me.

Frankie, there's caramel apples and Halloween-themed doughnuts

in the backyard next to the pits of hellfire pit.

Oh, great.

But all good things must come to an end,

and it was time to go home to my actual haunted house.

Crap.

Hey, April.

You hitting the road?

No, I'm just going home.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Are you okay?

Oh. Yeah.

Just another night at the Heck house.

It's what we do.

Well, I felt really bad for you,

so I told Axl he should be nicer.

I mean, we only have one mom, and moms are pretty great.

Aww.

Thank you, April.

Don't tell Axl I said that.

I mean, he knows the part that I told him

because I said it to him, but he doesn't know

that I'm telling you about the part that I told him.

Got it.

Okay, I should get going.

Yeah, you better get home by midnight

or your car might turn into a pumpkin.

Oh, my gosh, why?

It's just that you're wearing the...

[Sighs] You know what? It's late.

Good night, April.

[Sighs]

[Door closes]

Look what the cat dragged in.

Ha, ha. [Sighs]

Just for the record, I did go out looking for you.

I was following a trail of Tootsie Roll wrappers,

but I lost you in some high grass.

[Sighs]

What am I doing wrong?

That sounds like a morning question.

No, seriously. Why do all the kids want to go with you?

Frankie, it doesn't matter. Here's the thing.

I wouldn't take them anyway.

I guess when it comes right down to it,

we're not like celebrities.

We can't leave each other. We don't have enough options.

Besides, it's so much easier to split up $50 million than $50.

And then, of course, there's the whole love thing.

Axl: All right. Right this way.

Then you're gonna take a sharp right.

And a sharp left.

Couple more paces.

All right, so we've all been talking,

and we decided you deserved this.

My own chair?

And it's just like everyone else's!

Welcome to the family!

I've been waiting 14 years to hear that.

[Chuckles]

How'd you get the exact same one?

I was looking for the receipt

to see where we bought the other chairs,

and I found that one under a pile of crap in the basement.

Oh. Aww, see?

This is why we stay together.

Hey, I would never leave you.

[Scoffs] What do you mean you wouldn't leave me?

If anybody's doing anything leaving, I'm leaving you.

I don't know. I don't really see Mom leaving Dad.

Hey, if the woman wants to leave me, let her leave me.

Sue: Okay, see, that's not nice.

I bet Mom would probably never say something like that.

I think we should reconsider moving in with Mom.

No, we all have to stay together.

I have a chair.

- Aww. - That's a good point.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you, guys.

That looks good.

[Indistinct conversation]

Say "chair".

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