Original subtitles

? Shake it like a ladder to the sun ?

? Makes me feel like a madman on the run ?

(phone rings)

Can I call you right back?

I'm just in the middle of something.

Chris: You need to come home, Abby.

I know it's not ideal.

I haven't seen you in six months.

Abby: Oh, uh... I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna call you right back.

Raquel: No, I'm not auditioning for the mom role,

I'm reading for Cindy.

? You're a zero ?

? What's your name? No one's gonna ask ?

? You better find out where they want you to go ?

Couple of months. That was the deal.

It's been half a year.

Abby: I can't leave now.

I'm just starting to get some traction.

This city is all about momentum.

? Climb, climb, climb, oh ?

Assistant choreographer: Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

? can you climb, climb, climb higher ?

Assistant choreographer: ... Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

And break!

Alicia: Breathe,

And you gotta bring bring water to these things.

You're doing great.

Assistant choreographer: And again, ladies.

? shake it like a ladder to the sun ?

Well, babe, you can still audition

For stuff up here, yeah?

Abby: I don't think you really understand

How it works down here.

Chris: And you do?

Well, I'm figuring it out.

? No you're never, never far gone ?

Man, I saw your set at the laugh factory last night.

Oh yeah?

(stammering) it was an off night,

Thanks.

Abby: Well, you could come down here.

Chris: I'm crazy with work now.

Can I please call you back?

Abby, are you okay?

Abby: Uh, no, I'm fine. Everything's great.

(glass shatters, grunt of effort)

(phone buzzes)

Tariq: Hello?

Jamaica Jay: What's taking so long?

I'm on my way back.

Man: Dynasty wants apple pan burgers for lunch.

Tariq: Wha? That's the opposite end of town.

Jamaica Jay: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

That's 10 points, Tariq. Good answer.

Hey, Jay, I was wondering if later

Maybe I could play you guys a couple of my beats?

Jamaica Jay?

? You better find out where they want you to go ?

Okay, look, I'm just saying.

You haven't booked anything, I know how-

Okay, I've been close a couple times.

Remember? The eggo commercial?

And the student film?

I'm not happy.

I don't think you are either, Abby.

You gotta choose: It's me or Los Angeles.

(door rattles, knock at the door)

I'm really sorry, I have to call you back!

Abby! I have an audition. I need my stuff!

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Abby!

(cameras click)

Photographer: Thanks, we got it.

Is that okay?

It's more than okay, connor.

Connor: 'cause you have to tell me

If you're not getting what you need.

Couple of months,

This is gonna be on every billboard in town.

? Was it the cure? Shellshock ?

? Was it the cure? Hope not ?

Super: No, you pay me my rent, Abby!

I don't know what you think you're doing!

Abby: I'm really sorry, alex!

Alex: That bag is collateral.

You don't pay rent, I get your stuff.

That's my hockey bag!

This lady stole my hockey bag!

Abby!

Abby!

You give me my money!

I just want my money!

(car tires screech)

+

(horns honk, sirens wail in the distance)

(sighs) look, I'm sorry.

Pick up the phone, chris.

I didn't mean to hang up, I just...

I'm calling you back.

(hissing)

Seriously?

(hip hop beats play)

(Tariq's phone buzzes)

(mouths "put the phone down, man")

(phone buzzes)

Abby: My engine is on fire!

Do engines just do that? Do they just catch fire?

Tariq: It sounds like you just overheated.

Do you have any bottles of water?

Abby: No. Can you please just come pick me up?

I'm late for the first real audition

I've had in months.

Tariq: I can't.

Dynasty is working on some beats for drake

And it's not going so hot.

They might finally let me pitch something.

Tariq, this audition is for alan bernstein.

Do you have any idea who that is?

Tariq: I can't leave.

Call a cab.

Abby: And pay with what money?

Please!

Please, I'm begging you.

? I want to be young ?

? To be a ?? And ?? To fun?? ?

Ah! Okay, okay.

Be honest now, what do you think of this one?

Yeah, okay. I think of all my bags,

My favorite bag is this one bag I keep under the sink.

And all the other bags know it's my favorite

Because they have to go inside it.

So they're like,

"man, next time nick needs to take a banana

And a juice box somewhere,

I'm a goner.

But look at ol' miracle mart bag,

He ain't even scared."

That's, that's the joke. That's the whole joke.

Connor: Oh, I probably just didn't understand.

Tell it to me again. I'm finally part of a decent line-up tomorrow,

And I'm gonna blow it.

Tell it to me one more time. I'm so scattered with the move.

Jokes don't get funnier the second time.

Why're you taking my opinion, what do I know?

Nick: Whoa-ho!

Are you throwing these out?

You don't throw out pills. What's the matter with you?

Can I have these?

What're you gonna do with them?

Nick: I'm gonna sell them to this guy I work with.

He buys anything in an orange bottle.

I think he's doing really well in his personal life.

Raquel: You know they cast that other doctor part?!

I thought you were gonna get me an audition.

Yeah, I asked. No-no, you're the lead.

You don't ask, you tell.

"I want my sandwich, I want the crust cut off,

And I want my friend on the show."

Connor: They wanted a different type. It had nothing to do with me.

Have you seen the bitch they cast?

We're the exact sa...

How is she a different type?

They said they wanted someone closer to my age.

Nick: Oh...

Next time you're "lonely" at two in the morning,

Call somebody else.

Maybe someone closer to your age.

Raquel, I didn't mean to...

(nick's phone chimes) great.

Hey, Tariq, what's up?

Abby: Thank you so much.

You're saving my life.

Oh, no problem.

Tariq got me backstage passes for lupe fiasco at the greek.

Really impressed this girl I was trying to date,

So I owe him.

I love lupe fiasco.

Yeah, so did she.

She had sex with him backstage

While I tried to find out where backstage was.

You know, they should put a map on those lanyards...

Nick, um, I don't wanna be rude,

But I really, really, have to get going.

Oh, yeah. No, I'm done.

I think maybe running the air conditioning on full

With no back window overtaxed it.

Right. And you should probably pay those,

'cause they're booting every car they can.

You don't wanna get into it with the city.

(Abby's phone rings)

Ron, I know.

I'll be there in 20 minutes.

So, hi. You missed it.

Abby: No, I can't miss it!

Are they seeing people tomorrow?

Can you please get me in there?

I'll see what I can do, but probably not.

Everything okay?

I missed it.

Um, why don't I follow you back to your place,

Make sure you get home without breaking down again?

I got evicted; This is my home.

I eat in the front seat, I sleep in the back seat.

Okay, but don't tell me what you do in the glove box.

'cause I feel that's kind of a personal thing

Between you and the car.

You know, I don't even car that I live out of my car,

Just as long as it gets me to auditions.

I think I can help you.

You can get me into that audition?

No. Uh...

But follow me, I have another idea.

(Heavy breathing)

Are they always this long?

They're only short if you get cut.

Assistant choreographer: We need to see more of seven,

Twelve, twenty, thirty-five, forty-six,

And fifty-one.

The rest of you can go, thank you.

Hey, I thought you did really well.

Fifty-one, are you coming or going?

Eddie: I can't let her stay here without a security deposit

And the first week's rent.

Nick: Aw, come on, Eddie, she just moved here from Canada,

And the bank screwed up the wire to her american account.

But she's good for it. You're good for it, right?

Totally. I-I mean, this isn't the first tim...

And it's not like you're loosing any money.

It is an empty room Eddie. Come on.

(sighs)

Chocolate or vanilla?

Um...

Chocolate?

Eddie Demir. Pleasure.

I need to get paid Friday at the latest.

Yeah, no, that's no problem at all.

Huge problem, I'm super broke.

Aw, come on.

Look, we got you outta your car,

Bought you a few more days in I.A.

I mean...

I think we're winning. That's a win, right?

Hmm? Great.

Well, there's a party here tonight.

I propose we get like obnoxiously drunk

And try to wash this day away.

What do you say? That sounds amazing.

Nick: Well, welcome to the lux.

+

(guttural scream)

(party-goers cheer, pop rock music plays)

? big city lover ?

? Always undercover... ?

(loud buzz of chatter and cheers)

(meat sizzles)

What?

We loved teenage wasteland.

You were great in it.

Why did they cancel it so quick?

We had a bad time slot.

Creators have a new show set up at CW, right?

You, uh, gonna be involved in that?

Uh, we're figuring that out.

I'm sure they're gonna want me to read it.

I can't believe you don't work more.

Raquel: Uh, I'm actually pretty choosy.

Right, right.

And I'm thinking about firing my agents.

And, uh, the climate right now is-

Yeah, yeah, we wrote a movie.

I don't do internet videos.

Neither do we. It's a feature.

You'd be great for the lead.

Would you read it?

I'm pretty busy, guys.

You know we live here, right?

We see you laying by the pool all day.

Can I be in your movie?

Gimme your stupid script.

Okay.

(band plays)

Abby: So did you, um, pitch your beats today?

No.

Jamaica Jay needed me to take his dogs

To get their dreads tightened.

Seriously?

Do you know how many tracks I had to submit

To get this internship?

Why did they even care?

I mean, they said they wanted a go-getter,

But all they really want is somebody to go get.

I'm sure they'll give you a chance soon.

Nine months.

They haven't listened to a single idea.

Well, then force them to listen.

Have you listened to rap music?

All it's about is how you can't force 'em

To do anything.

Fine. Then stop complaining

And enjoy your life as a dog chauffeur.

Topless girl: You guys want some e?

Yes!

(song ends, party-goers cheer)

(new song begins)

? late night street talk through the hood ?

? Head back hood loose in the world ?

? Inside fly, fly, wish I could ?

? Stay out here for good... ?

(water splashes)

(sighs)

Ooh! Hawt! Wrong hole, Eddie.

Alicia! Do mine eyes deceive me?

Yourn eyes do not deceive you, eddie.

That's Shakespeare.

Do you know that I once did a production of The Tempest

With Adam Arkin?

Yeah, you told me.

What brings you to our little party?

You never come to the parties.

Well, I have dance class most mornings.

I thought you were already a dancer.

I am.

It's just something you have to keep working at.

Yeah. Never mind. I just...

I decided to treat myself.

I got this really great audition

For this Usher tour today.

Ye-ah!

Yeah! Oh, the song.

Ye-ah! When do you hear?

By three tomorrow, at the latest.

Oh, tomorrow and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps at our petty pace.

Macbeth? No! You're not supposed to say it!

Now something totally bad's gonna happen to you.

Sorry.

Wanna go smoke a joint with me?

Why don't we take you to your room?

You know you're so nice

That doesn't even seem dirty to me.

Nick: Abby. Abby, I just wanted to introduce you to connor.

This is his party and he paid for all the booze.

So drink up.

Uh, Abby's moving into your room.

Congrats! That's the lucky room.

No one's died there.

Nick: Yeah, Connor's pilot just got picked up,

So he's leaving us common folk

And moving into a big new mansion.

It's just a house.

It does have a bidet, though.

Does that make me a jerk?

Yeah, it really does.

So, you an actress?

Um, I think you actually have to have an acting job

To be called that. Uh, technically,

I'm as much as a ninja as I am an actress.

Connor: Aw, come on now,

You look like you'd be a way better actress.

I don't know, man, I'm pretty sneaky.

Well, it's your first night here,

You can't spend it all on the stairs.

Come on. Your cup's empty,

Let's get you another drink.

If you insist.

Were you trying to get them to sleep together?

What? No.

You just brought the best looking,

Most successful dude at the party

Over to meet the girl that you like.

Did the whole lupe fiasco thing teach you nothing?

I was just... Don't worry, it doesn't matter anyway.

She's got a boyfriend.

Why isn't she staying with him then?

Well, he's back in toronto.

Long distance?! Oh please.

I can work with long distance, okay?

Trust me, eventually he's gonna do something

To really piss her off,

And then all you have to say is something like...

For a guy who claims to love you,

He's not very supportive.

Right?

I mean, it takes time,

But if you're talented, it's not a question of if,

It's just a question of when, you know?

Most people come down here

And they give it a couple of months,

They get frustrated, so they pack up and go home

With their tail between their legs.

But the trick is to stay,

'cause it's all about momentum, you know?

I literally said the same thing this morning.

He doesn't understand why I can't just try

And be an actress in toronto.

Then he doesn't really understand you.

Enough about me.

This is your night.

Your show got picked up!

Aren't you just so excited?

Your parents must be bursting with pride.

Uh, I haven't really seen my mom since I was a kid

And my dad doesn't really care either way.

I'm not sure he even knows about it.

I'm sorry.

No, don't worry about it. It's, uh...

And yeah, I am totally excited.

I haven't even really done a guest spot

And now I'm a lead.

I hate you.

Well, I fooled 'em good

'cause I'm pretty sure they're gonna figure out

That they've made a terrible mistake soon enough.

Well, if it doesn't work out,

Maybe I'll let you be a ninja with me.

I'm pretty upset that you're moving in

Just as I'm moving out.

You should be. I'm pretty awesome.

You know, if you need to crash in your room one more night,

I'm sure we could work something out.

Sorry. I shouldn't be doing that.

+

(helicopter beats overhead)

(moans groggily)

Good morning.

Yeah...

Um...

Say, chum,

You wore a condom last night, right?

No...

No.

Why the hell not?

I thought you said that you were on something.

Yeah, drugs.

What, you couldn't feel that it was just skin?

I was on e, dude.

The whole world felt like skin.

I'm clean. I just got tested, so...

Yeah, me too.

Well, I didn't get tested, but I was with only one guy.

(sighs)

Uh... Well, I guess we should

Get one of those, you know,

Morning after things.

Yeah, I guess we should.

Look, I'm sorry.

Um, I was pretty drunk last night.

I... I should know better.

No, I was there too, it's not all on you.

Um...

This is gonna sound really lame,

But, uh, you're gonna have to buy it

Because I'm super broke.

Oh, of course.

Come on, I'll get you some breakfast too.

Breakfast and an abortion pill!

And they say there are no good guys in L.A.

Well, there's one.

Raquel: Okay, I just don't why I had to find out about it

At a party.

I downloaded the breakdowns.

They've been casting for a week.

Come on, I have a great relationship with them,

You have to get me in there.

Well, call 'em again.

Okay, bye. Hey!

I uh... I just wanted...

I had a bad audition

And I saw that girl they cast on your stupid show,

And um...

I was a bitch yesterday.

Yesterday?

Hey, idiot,

I'm trying to apologize to you.

Oh. Please, don't let me stop you.

I know you think you did everything you could

To get me an audition for your show,

So...

Thank you,

And I'm sorry.

Wow!

So that is what an apology from you sounds like.

- Are we good? - Uh, depends.

Can I call you at two in the morning?

Maybe.

Abby: Ready. Sorry.

Oh my god,

Are you Raquel Westbrook?

Sure am.

Oh. I was completely addicted to Teenage Wasteland.

I grew up idolizing you.

We had a bad time slot.

What're you doing here? She lives here.

You do?! Why?

Connor: Okay, we should... We should go.

Okay, well, I just moved in,

So we're neighbors.

Awesome! See you around, okay?

Can't wait.

So cute.

Connor: Bye. Raquel: Bye.

Abby: Hi, Nick! Connor: Morning.

Hi. Hello.

Man, that guy does not waste any time.

Can you blame her?

He's like the Australian Josh Du-ham-el.

No good.

Hey, D, if you have a second,

I thought I could play you a couple of my beats.

Dynasty: Tariq, do I look like I have time to help you

With your songs right now?

Tariq: I don't want your help,

I wanna help you.

What did you just say?

Tariq: 'kay, that came out wrong.

Jamaica Jay: This man doesn't need your help, Tariq.

Look, you've all felt kinda stuck

On these new Drake beats.

I got some really good stuff here,

And I thought I could give you some jumping-off points

You hadn't considered.

Jamaica Jay: Yo, um, Tariq,

Why don't you just get the hell out of here?

- Why don't you just - Look, you hired me because I was good,

You listened to my stuff-

Jamaica Jay: You ain't good, man! We chose you at random

From a stack of packages.

You got passed the security check

And got hired. That's it!

Ain't nobody ever heard your tracks.

Come on now, D, these are good beats.

There's something you can use here.

'kay, I'm gonna give you one shot.

Play one track.

All right.

(Tariq's track plays)

Stop. Stop!

Jamaica Jay: Man, they sampled this already, man.

"Snitches be bitches" back in the '90s.

Two seconds later, I do something coo-

Dynasty: Then maybe that's where

You should've started the track.

'cause all I heard was just the derivative part.

You know what? Guys, let's get back to work.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, D, let me just play one-

No, no, no, no, no. You had your chance, man.

Now why don't you just clean all this up,

And when you're done,

Find some other stuff to clean up,

Then clean up yourself.

Nick: I'm glad they slept together.

Honestly. I mean, why am I down here?

To date girls? To work at a cafe of the stars?

No, I'm down here to focus on my career.

Anything that's not comedy related

Is a distraction anyway,

And she would have been really distracting.

Hey, you have your first big show tonight.

Focus on that, you'll be great.

Okay, you're right.

(Alicia's phone rings)

Hello?

Yeah... I can work tonight.

Okay, thanks.

Whoa, whoa. What?

This Usher tour was the best audition

I've ever done,

And I haven't heard a thing.

It was only yesterday.

I know.

I was hoping I would've heard by now.

We all should've heard by now.

(low hum of traffic)

Pharmacist: Forty-eight dollars.

Okay.

Say, uh,

Where's the price break at with these things?

I'm sorry?

Like if we bought 6 or 12, do they get cheaper?

We don't sell the morning after pill

By the dozen, sir.

No. Yeah, I know. Just a long shot here.

Would it be totally inappropriate

If I asked for your number?

We'll go now.

And thank you for your this;

I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot of each other.

(chuckles)

I had to try, she was so pretty.

You understand. Absolutely.

So how do you wanna do this?

You want me to hang around

Or is this the type of thing you'd like to be alone for?

Naw, this is probably gonna knock me on my ass

And I don't want you to see what I look like clammy.

Besides, you have to move into your mansion.

It's not a mansion, it's just a house.

And, I mean, I don't really want to,

It's just my manager said it was a good investment.

But anyway I'm more than happy to hang out

And take care of you if...

Last night was a mistake, right?

You mean the totally reckless sex

Or the whole thing?

I have a boyfriend.

Look,

You have some stuff to figure out,

And I can't help you because I'm super biased.

So take your time, figure it out,

And when you do, gimme a call me.

Or not, if you...

Depending.

Bye.

Bye.

(phone rings)

Hi, Ron.

So, hi.

They're seeing people again today

For the bernstein thing,

And I got you in.

You did?!

Ron: It's a singing part.

You're cool with that, right?

Abby: I'm totally cool with that.

(relieved sigh) good. I'll confirm you.

You have an hour to get to the lot.

Good luck, kiddo.

Thanks. I'll be there.

"Taking this medication will cause extreme

And debilitating nausea."

Of course!

(annoyed sigh) of course.

(phone rings)

Of course.

+

I would totally give you a lift,

But I just got called back in for a re-shoot.

I'm already late.

Dammit.

Everyone else I know isn't picking up their phone.

Connor: I think there's maybe a bus you could catch,

It might get you close.

Abby: A bus, eh?

Well, I don't think I've ever met anyone

Who's taken public transit in L.A.

Connor: How bad could it be?

Abby: Guess I'm about to find out.

Please tell my parents I love them

When I end up murder raped.

Ah, will do. Break a leg, huh?

Bye.

Raquel: Well, I should be on the list.

I'm friends with samantha, the producer.

I'm sure she's fine with it.

Raquel?

Samantha! Hey!

Um, they say they don't have me on the list,

But my agents said I was confirmed,

So I don't know what happened there.

Can I still audition?

Uh... I think your agents made a mistake.

Um, well, I'm here already,

And I know I can kill this beatrice role.

So, let me just read for you?

We kind of decided to go another way with beatrice.

How so?

Well...

We're going black.

You're...

Samantha: So, sorry for the mix up.

It says colorblind casting though.

That's kind of code for "ideally not white."

I mean, I don't want an all white show, you know?

It doesn't really reflect reality, so...

Okay, so you're making the best friend black.

That's just kind of a cliche,

Don't you think?

Excuse me?

Well, I mean, who has a black best friend?

Right?

Like, in real life?

If you are trying to be all authentic,

I mean, like, you?

Do you have a white best friend?

Do any of you have a white best friend?

No. Right? See?

It's just kind of a... It's a tv-only thing.

Uh, I'd just really like to read,

That's all I'm saying.

This is the way the network wants it.

Okay.

Sometimes I can pull off latina?

We'll keep you in mind.

Okay.

Hey, did you hear about the usher audition yet?

No. They said we'd hear by three.

Call me if you wanna celebrate!

Or garden!

? When I'm alone ?

? I wanna see you tonight ?

? I wanna see you when I'm alone ?

? I wanna see you tonight ?

? I wanna see you ?

(grunts of effort)

(objects clatter)

(sighs)

(clears throat)

Hey, guys, I'm Abby.

Hi there. Alan bernstein.

Have you had a chance to look at the song?

Um... Honestly, no.

Oh. That's a refreshing approach.

Well, my agent just told me about this like an hour ago

And then I had to take the bus here,

Which made me kind of late

And then they said you had to leave soon,

So I kind of just got shoved in here.

You see my car got booted and I'm broke

And I have a lot of parking tickets,

But you don't need to know any of that.

I've blown it, haven't I?

Yeah, very possibly.

Look, Abby, uh, the song doesn't matter.

Okay? We just need to know if you can sing.

Can I sing an original?

No. You need to take requests.

Uh... "taking care of business"!

You know, "8:15, into the city..."

I'm joking. Sing whatever you want.

(awkward exhale) okay...

Do you mind? Sorry.

All right, uh, yeah. We'll, uh, try this out.

? You get up every morning ?

? From your alarm clock's warning ?

? Take the 8:15 into the city ?

Jamaica Jay: Send these three tracks to Drake's people.

You got the address?

Tariq: Yeah, I got the address.

Well, what're you waiting for?

And when you're done make sure you get me that burger,

That cheeseburger from "in and out burger," okay?

Cheeseburger, no cheese.

Just the cheese sauce dripping on the burger.

Perfect. How I like it.

You got it.

(mouse clicks)

Abby: ? I've been taking care of business ?

? 'til nine ?

? taking care of business ?

? And working overtime ?

? Work out ?

Alan Bernstein: Abby, that was... That was actually...

Pretty not bad.

Listen, if you have time,

Uh, we can get you some sides. Maybe you could...

(vomits and coughs)

Abby: Oh my god!

I am so, so sorry.

I was really concentrating on not throwing up.

I thought I had it licked.

You did not.

I'm not contagious or anything.

I just took the morning after pill

Like an hour ago. Oh...

You don't need to know any of that.

Um... What were you saying again about those sides?

Maybe you should come back when you're feeling better.

No-no-no, I'm feeling better right now.

Abby, there's an old saying in show business:

When there's vomit on the piano,

It's time to stop the audition.

Yeah, okay.

(hum of traffic, siren wails in the distance)

(bus rumbles)

Paul F. Tompkins: Ladies and gentlemen,

Thank you so much for being here.

Give yourselves a round of applause

For coming out tonight.

That's enough, that's enough.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the other day

A friend and I were talking about genetic engineering -

And no, we weren't high.

(audience chuckles)

And my friend was saying how great it would be

If you could have, um, a cat

And make it as big as a dog, right?

Like take a regular old house cat and...

You're standin' right next to her.

I am, yeah. I'm a really big fan.

And I of you.

You... Are you?

That's... Okay,

You're gonna have to tell me if you're joking.

You're so funny.

I don't think I have to.

Okay, your story about dating Rush Limbaugh?

That's like...

I watch it over and over again,

I'll tell all my friends about it.

That's a Mary Lynn Rajskub story.

Yeah. Very famous, beloved, iconic story

Told by Mary Lynn Rajskub.

(stammers) that's why I...

I'm Sarah Silverman.

You're... Just because we're both female comics,

And we're both jewish,

We're just interchangeable in your mind?

No, I didn't say that. You're Jewish?

I didn't mean it like that at all.

Oh, so now I can't be Jewish.

You can absolutely be Jewish, or anything...

What is wrong with you? Seriously!

There's a lot wrong. I'm just... I'm nervous.

Why don't you just call me Whoopi Goldberg?

Paul F. Tompkins: Uh, I have to go for a little bit.

I will be back, uh, as a reward

For your sitting through this next comedian,

Ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, this is a guy I've never heard of,

And don't expect to in the future.

Please welcome, uh, Rick Banger.

Rick Banger, ladies and gentlemen.

That's not my name, but okay.

It's, uh... It's, uh, wagner. Nick Wagner.

Get it right next time, Paul!

Paul F. Tompkins: No.

Right.

Uh, uh...

So the other day I'm at this diner

And this guy demands two straws - two.

I mean, is his glass... I forgot to bring up my water.

(stammering) I need it for this to, um...

Waitress, uh, can I have a...? I just...

Sorry, I'm just doing a...

Look, you know what?

I'm gonna come back to it later

And it'll be like a bonus, like a joke bonus for you guys.

Paul: (laughs) Mary: Oh my god.

Okay, pressing on.

I think of all my bags,

My favorite bag is this one bag I keep under the sink.

This is really hard hitting.

Nick: And all the other bags know it's my favorite

Because they have to go inside it.

So they're like "man, next time nick needs to take a banana

And a juice box somewhere, I'm a goner.

But look at that old miracle mart bag,

He ain't even scared.

(laughs) doesn't even make any sense.

Nick: Uh...

Um, everyone here does laundry, right?

(smattering of laughter and boos throughout room)

+

(din of chatter)

Mary: Yup, never wear deodorant. Paul: Not never?

Nick: Thanks, guys. Great show.

Mary: Hey! I liked it. It was like a warm bath.

You know, like a warm unfunny bath

That made everybody uncomfortable

And wanna get out.

No, Nick, don't listen to her.

I thought it was a soothing bunch of nothing.

Yeah, it kinda reminded me of like prop comedy,

But with no props.

Well, I'm still smoothing out some of the-

Yes, that will help.

It needs to be smoother.

Okay, Nick,

The question is, who are you?

You know, besides the paper bags

And the straws and the cat food.

Well, no, see, I find it refreshing

To see an up and comer

Who has genuinely zero point of view.

Look, if you guys have any constructive criticism

I'd love to hear it.

Okay, I know.

You should try playing smaller rooms.

Like, uh, your apartment,

Or in the bathroom, talking into the mirror.

Paul: You know, I'd go even smaller.

Like maybe if there's an open mic

In a vortex of some kind.

You know, a space that holds minus people.

Okay. Okay.

Paul: No, nick, don't go.

Ask for constructive criticism again!

She beat me to it. Gimme the set-up!

You're drunk.

Paul: Yes.

Listen, I'm gonna say something nice.

Okay.

You should quit.

That wasn't nice.

Well, it sounded like it was going to be nice.

Right. Yeah.

D, I'm-

We gave you three beats to send to drake

And somehow he ended up getting four.

Any idea on how that happened?

All right. Look, D,

I didn't move down here, away from everyone that I love,

To run around town getting hamburgers.

You got to be inside a professional recording studio

For nine months!

You got to see how all this works,

How I run my business.

You're a kid, this is how it's done,

And you're welcome.

Wait. Did Drake like my beat?

Drake liked my beat.

No, Drake liked my beat.

It had my name on it, so it belongs to me now.

Am I still fired?

Did I say you were fired?

Get up out of here before I change my mind.

Raquel: Hey.

Did you guys actually write this?

Cam: Yeah.

Did you actually read it?

Raquel: Yeah.

And?

Do you have any money to put this thing together?

Not yet.

But you wanna direct it?

Cam: Absolutely.

Not up for debate.

Have you directed anything else?

Um, some shorts.

We went to USC.

Right, so you're never getting money for this then.

Cam: Uh, wait,

I think we only need like a million five.

Oh! Only a million five.

Okay, that should be easy

For two guys who don't even have an imdb page.

Kevin: Stop. Okay, why're you being so mean?

Here's what I'm gonna do for you.

I'm with the biggest agency in town,

And I'm gonna walk this into them.

I'm gonna sell them on your "unique style"

And your "singular vision"

And they're gonna package this up

And get it made.

What's in it for you? I'm playing the lead.

Okay?

Okay.

I'll be in touch.

Kevin: You liked it, didn't you?

It was all right.

(mouthing "oh my god")

(ripping)

(ripping)

(exhales calmly)

(pen clicks)

(sighs)

(kettle clanks onto stove)

(hangers clatter lightly)

(bags rustle)

?

?

Alicia: Hey.

You just moved in here, right?

Abby: Yeah, I'm Abby.

Alicia. Helps if you unpack.

Abby: I'm thinking about going home.

Yeah. A lot of that going around.

My parents don't want me down here,

And my boyfriend just told me to move back or else...

And I threw up on my favourite director, so...

Maybe I don't belong down here.

I mean, even if I get in the right room,

With the right people, with the right outfit,

What are the odds?

I still have to be the funniest,

Or the hottest or the most talented

Or whatever crazy, specific thing

They want that day.

You can give everything you have here

And it still might not be enough.

So the smartest move is to leave.

Makes sense.

You need help unpacking?

I'm gonna get evicted next week; I'm broke.

All you need is money. Money's easy.

I'm an illegal immigrant; I can't work here.

I can get you an under the table job like tonight.

Seriously?! That would be amazing.

What kind of job?

(music plays, men whoop and holler)

?

(whistling and cheering)

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