All language subtitles for The Good Place S03 E12_EN (1)

That's why I can't do it.

It's too scary.

No!

Hello?

Okay, listen.

There's a guy out there who's awake
and doesn't know what's happening.

Okay? You gotta pull it together.

-You've got this.
-No.

I absolutely do not.

I'm not meant for any of this, Eleanor.

I'm just middle management!

What if I fail?

It'll be like the failure
to end all failures.

It'll be...

...an epic fail.

Is my tie getting tighter
or is my neck getting fatter somehow?

Oh, this is what we do.

We tell the Judge
we have to cancel the experiment...

...because I have a fat neck.

She'll understand.

Can anyone...?

Okay, Michael. Listen.

You can do this.

You are Michael.

You are smart and capable,
and you're a fearless leader.

And you are gonna take a deep breath,

stand up, open that door,
and say, "Hi, John."

"I'm Michael. I'm the Architect.
Come on in."

Got it?

Hi, John.

I'm Eleanor.

I'm the Architect.

Come on in.

So...

Let me sum this up for you, John.

-You're dead.
-What?

But don't worry.
It's okay that you're dead...

...because you, John Wheaton,
are in the Good Place.

You're here because of all
the incredible things you did on Earth...

...which are all right in front of me.

So, let me just check your file.

Good.

Yes, that's what I thought.

Wow, John.

What a life you've lead.

Sorry, did I introduce Michael?

He's my assistant.

Hi.

He just transferred over here
from dog heaven.

So, you know,
he's still getting used to people.

What do you say I show you
around the Neighborhood?

So, are you, like, an angel or something?

Oh, John. Aren't you sweet?

Enough about me.

So, everything you see is here for you
to enjoy for eternity.

You and your 321 neighbors.

Why is it 322 people?

Is that number significant somehow?

-Well, Janet?
-Hi there.

It's me, Eleanor.
The Architect of the Neighborhood.

Yep, that is certainly information
that I already knew.

Janet is a walking database
of all the knowledge in the universe.

And since you, John, seemed to like asking
a relentless number of questions,

go ahead, ask her anything.

Okay.

What's the craziest
secret celebrity hook-up?

Drake and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
On and off for years.

Okay, wow.

Wait, so you really do know everything?

Kinda seems like she should be running
the Neighborhood.

Yes, John.

In retrospect,
that does seem like a much better idea.

Hey, Janet, why don't you take John
inside to get some froyo?

We'll catch up with you later.

-Get over here now, dummy.
-I'm sorry.

Guys, guys, guys, guys?

Michael looks like me. That's bad.

Fun little update.
Michael is feeling a bit overwhelmed.

So, new plan. I'm now the Architect.

And stop making those faces...

...because I already told John,
and there's no going back now.

Well, if I could pick anyone
to impersonate an immortal deity...

...well, it would be me.

But if it couldn't be me, it would be you.

Yeah. You're gonna rock this.

You're like the Blake Bortles
of whatever's going on right now.

I'm not really sure.

Thanks, guys.
I think I can be the Architect.

I saw how Michael ran the Neighborhood
in the memories he showed me.

And there was, like, a four-year period...

...where Brad Pitt really wanted everyone
to know how into architecture he was,

and I read a lot of those interviews.

So, I think that might help me.

And before long,

Michael will be back to his old self
and he can step in and take over, right?

Look at the four of you, all together.

Oh, I love you so much.

Okay. Okay. That's okay.

Chidi, have Janet
translate the gibberish of these files.

-Okay.
-Tahani.

Continue working on the Welcome Party.

Oh, yes, the party.

So, for the napkins,
I would normally do a Queen's tuck,

but I was thinking of shaking things up
a bit with the Yorkshire Butterfly.

And this could not matter less.

Very sorry, goodbye.

Hey. How's it going?

This is overwhelming.

It's every thought and decision and action
from this guy's entire life.

Like, this whole box
is just one trip to Wendy's.

Well, keep reading. According to Michael,

I usually asked for your help
by, like, day two.

So, you need to be ready.

You know what?

At first, I was kinda nervous.

But so far, I think I'm doing okay.

It's like I became such a good person,

I almost forgot
I'm a world-class liar, baby.

Very fun thing to hear
from your girlfriend.

You're doing great.

And I have to admit,
you being the Architect is kinda...hot.

It's kinda
like I'm secretly dating my boss.

Not that I ever would've done that.

Yeah, no, me neither.

So, same.

Same.

All right,
I gotta get ready for the next person.

Well, then,
I will say goodbye to you platonically.

The same way a resident
would say goodbye to an Architect.

Eleanor.

What if John had seen us?

I'm scared, and yet, somehow turned on?

Scared is the best way to be horny.

Now who's doing the teaching?

Hey, now, all right.

A little higher. Thank you.

-Tahani Al-Jamil?
-Yes.

-Do I know you?
-Uh, no, no.

But I know you.

I used to write about you all the time
on my blog, The Gossip Toilet.

We were the ones that invented
the Olsen Twins Countdown Clock...

...for when they became legal.

That was our blog. That was us.

Oh, my.

You were quite mean to me.

Oh, no, I wouldn't call it mean.

Okay, my targets were rich
and high status.

And I was just doing the important work
of telling truth to power.

So, wait, what about you, huh?
You died in Canada?

That is so weird and embarrassing.

It's like the nipslip of dying.

Okay, listen, we're gonna catch up later.

I can't wait to hear
all about your new nose.

Oh, nope. I didn't get a nose job.

Oh, I know.
I just figured we're in heaven.

So, we might as well fix
all of our flaws, right?

Like, look at me.

Nothing is staying on this face.

Gosh.

What are the odds that you and I
would end up spending eternity together?

Eleanor, Michael.

It is I, Tahani.

Yeah, we know, babe.

-What's wrong?
-I know John.

Rather, he knows me.

He's a gossip columnist
who tortured me on Earth.

He made it seem like I was shallow,

plagued with jealousy,
and prone to fits of melodrama.

What are you saying?

Don't you see?

The Bad Place
didn't pick the worst people.

They picked the people
who would be the worst for us.

Of course. How did I not anticipate this?

Shawn didn't just choose
a bunch of serial killers.

He chose your tormentors or archrivals.

Or exes.

Those motherforkers.

This is insane.

And obviously against the rules.

Yeah, too bad it's not, dillhole.

She'll remember them.

It's going to destroy the integrity
of the experiment, Your Honor.

Plus, now I have to live next to a man
who once lied...

...and said I wasn't
at Diddy's White Party.

I was there, Eleanor. I was!
You must believe me.

And how are we gonna make Simone better
when she's asleep the whole time?

Hello?

We can't work with this.

Your Honor, you never stipulated
that we couldn't choose people...

...who had some sort of connection
to them.

Then Simone just happened to die on Earth,
which was really, really cool.

You wanna know how it happened, Chidi?
It's hilarious.

-No!
-Okay. Here's my ruling.

It's not against the rules
for the four new humans...

...to have connections
to the original four.

-Simone and John can stay.
-Booyah.

But it was kind of a dirty trick.

So, Michael can erase Simone's memory
to the point before she met any of you.

Fine.

Have fun with your ex, Chidi.

What's that thing you humans say
when you're playing chess...

...and you trap your opponent
into an inescapable position?

Oh, right. "Eat butt, you dingdongs."

Okay. Okay.

Focus, team.
Michael and I will prep for Simone.

Tahani, keep an eye on John.

Jason, talk to no one,
go nowhere, do nothing.

-I won't let you down.
-Okay.

Go, guys.

-Are you okay?
-I... No.

Very obviously, no.

Look, you could spend a hundred years
in this Neighborhood...

...before you even run into Simone.

It'll be easy to avoid her.

No, no, but we don't want me to avoid her.

The whole plan is that I'm supposed
to help them learn ethics...

...so they can improve.

Okay, okay. We can deal with that later.

Let's just take this step-by-step.

Step one, you leave so I can snap
your amnesiac ex-girlfriend...

...out of her post-death coma
and welcome her into fake heaven.

That's step one?

-Janet?
-Hi there.

Give me your opinion.

Is this a savage insult?

"Nice shirt."

"Who designed it? Mark Fake-obs?"

For people in your social class,
that is 84 percent savage.

Although, there is a 29 percent chance
he responds, "Oh, honey,"

in a tone so devastating,

you will think of it every day
for the rest of time.

I like those odds.

I'll go lay it on him now.

No.

That's exactly
what the Bad Place wants me to do.

They sent John here to drag me back
into my old patterns.

Insecurity, obsession with social status.

I shan't let it happen.

John, I am happy you're here with me.

This is going to be good for both of us.

And I look forward
to putting the past behind us...

...and becoming your friend.

Oh, my God, you are so cute.

You are so cute, it's gross.

You disgust me.
I love you, get out of here.

I never want to see you again.
I love you so much.

Hi, Simone. I'm Eleanor.

Come on in.

So, as a neuroscientist,
are you surprised there's an afterlife?

I am, frankly.

I mean, there's a decent chance
this entire thing...

...is just
a complex electro-chemical reaction...

...caused by my synapses randomly firing
in the millisecond after my death.

But this froyo is amazing,
so I'm just gonna roll with it.

What flavor did you get?

I got a twist.

Half strawberry,

half "Male Co-Worker Gets Called Out
For Stealing Your Ideas."

Those go great together.

-Hi.
-Hi.

All the other residents seem so nice.

The residents are great, yes.

But don't feel like you need
to get to know all of them right away.

Maybe just talk to Michael and me
for the first,

I don't know, 6000 years or so.

Anyway, you just chill, baby girl.

We'll check in with you later.

That went pretty well, right?

I've always been good at pretending
I've never met people before.

It's kinda my go-to power move.

I think this new dynamic
may actually be good.

You know, it gives me more time
to observe and plan.

You'll be the face of the operation...

...and I'll be the mastermind
behind the scenes.

Like Cyrano de Bergerac.

Like Kris Jenner.

Totally.

-Yeah, I think this is gonna be okay.
-Yeah.

No. It won't.

It won't be okay.

Which is why you need to erase my memory
and reboot me.

What are you talking about?

No forking way. We're not rebooting you.

Shawn was right.

Bringing Simone to this Neighborhood,
it's checkmate.

It completely neutralizes me.

I'll be too freaked out
to help the new residents.

The only way to outflank Shawn
is to make it so I don't remember Simone.

So, you have to run
into your ex occasionally.

That's a part of life, man.

I used to run into my exes all the time
at the mall, at the dentist's office.

When I drunk-texted them
and told them to come over.

Look. Simone is really perceptive.
I might slip up and reveal something.

Look, this isn't just about me
feeling awkward around my ex.

It's more about,
if I am awkward around my ex,

everyone gets tortured forever.

-No. There has to be another way.
-I've got it.

Just remove Simone from Chidi's memory
and keep everything else.

-Boom.
-It doesn't work that way.

You all spent a lot of time together,

so his memories of you and her
are all swirled together.

But let's keep thinking.

Guys, I've thought about this
from every angle.

If we don't wipe my memory,

I will, one way or the other,
ruin the experiment.

-You know I'm right.
-No.

No, man. It can't be.

Because if we erase your memory...

...all the way back
to before you met Simone...

That includes Australia, and the study,
and the Soul Squad, and everything.

-...that would be erasing...
-Us.

I know.

So, the plan is to erase Chidi's memory...

...all the way back to when
the air-conditioner fell on his head...

...in his original timeline.

The Judge has given us
until tomorrow morning...

...before we have to bring in
the other two subjects.

Tahani, the Welcome Party
will be tomorrow night.

And the next time you see me,
it'll be like I'm a new resident.

I won't know any of you.

So, will you remember
that time in Australia...

...when we stayed up late
and ate pizza together?

Nah, buddy, I won't.

Will you remember
when we ordered the pizza?

-No.
-Will you remember pizza?

Will I remember what pizza is?

Yeah.

I'll still know what pizza is.

Okay, so, not a total loss.

But this is awful.

You two won't be together anymore.

I haven't met a more perfect couple...

...since I set up Drake
with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Yes. We will no longer be together.

The Bad Place has pulled off
the most intricate cork blork of all time.

It's a nice touch that the cursing filter
maintains the rhyme.

I appreciate that attention to detail.

Hang on, I'm not giving up yet.

Let's have
an old-fashioned brainstorming session.

We'll get Chinese food,

and we'll throw pencils
and stick them in the ceiling,

and someone will say something innocuous,
and I'll say, "Wait."

"Say that again."

Michael, if there was another choice,
we'd choose it.

Believe me.

You like learning about humans, right?

This is a classic human situation.

Your friends
are going through something awful...

...and there is nothing you can do
about it.

Anyway, let's just rip the Band-Aid off.

Snappy, snappy, wipe-y, wipe-y.

I need a few minutes to work it all out.

So...

I hate this.

And I'm sorry.

And did I say that I hate this?
Because I hate this.

You don't need to apologize for making
a huge sacrifice to save your friends.

This is why people
love moral philosophy professors.

Well, how about this?

Every time you see me get a stomachache...

...imagine I'm thinking of you.

So?

-All the time?
-Exactly.

Sorry to interrupt.

I wanted to give both of you
something before we do this.

Think of it as a going away present.

I don't normally cry at movies.

But that one was pretty good.

That girl was hot.

The guy was too.

I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.

Except, you won't.

That's what's so scary
about this whole thing.

I'm gonna miss you.

You're just gonna think
I'm some sexy godlike figure...

...who you wanna hump immediately
after meeting her.

I know you're deflecting
by making jokes about how hot you are...

-It's not a joke. I'm a legit snack.
-But...

...I believe in you.

I am not even scared to get rebooted
because I know...

...that you'll be here taking care of me.

I wish we had more time together.

Aw, time means nothing.

Jeremy Bearimy, baby.

We'll just... We'll get through this.

And then you and I can chill out
in the dot of the "i" forever.

Right.

We'll be okay.

We found each other before
hundreds of times.

We can do it again.

Bye, Chidi.

-Janet?
-Hi there.

Hi, Janet.

Can you just, you know,
like, tell me the answer?

-Sorry?
-You know, the answer to everything.

You know all there is to know
in the universe.

Crunch the numbers?

Tell me the answer.

What's the point of love
if it's just gonna disappear?

And how is it worse to not love anybody?

There has to be meaning to existence.

Otherwise,
the universe is just made of pain,

and I don't like the thought of that.

So, tell me the answer.

I know how you feel.

Back on Earth, I had to watch Jason
have no recognition of me.

It felt like...

...right before someone
pushes the plunger and murders you.

Sure.

The more human I become,
the less things make sense.

But that's...part of the fun, right?

What do you mean?

If there were an answer
I could give you...

...to how the universe works,
it wouldn't be special.

It would just be machinery,
fulfilling its cosmic design.

It would just be a big,
dumb food processor.

But since nothing seems to make sense,

when you find something
or someone that does,

it's euphoria.

In all of this randomness,
in this pandemonium,

you and Chidi found each other,

and you had a life together.

Isn't that remarkable?

Pandemonium is from "Paradise Lost."

Milton called
the center of hell "pandemonium..."

...meaning "place of all demons."

Chidi tricked me into reading
"Paradise Lost" by telling me Satan was,

and I quote, "My type."

A big, mean, bald guy with a goatee.

I mean, he wasn't wrong.

Oh, no, that's very on-brand for you.

I guess all I can do
is embrace the pandemonium.

Find happiness in the unique insanity
of being here...

...now.

We'll do this together.

In the words of the man that I love...

"I got you, dawg."

Thanks, Janet.

You know, for a robot,
you make a really good girlfriend.

I'm one out of three of those things.

But thank you.

Good luck.

Okay.

Hi, Chidi.

I'm Eleanor.

Come on in.