Original subtitles

Aaah!

Aaah!

Paul, it's 6:00 a.m.

What the hell are you doin' here?!

I was takin' a sponge bath in the men's room.

By the way, I borrowed your deodorant.

And now my deodorant needs a shave.

What happened to you?

Claudia kicked you out.

No, Claudia did not kick me out.

Her mother did.

I don't understand.

I mean, Claudia cooked a wonderful meal.

My mother-in-law was happy,

and then we had a huge fight when I gave her the bill.

Paul, have a seat.

Paul, the health department...

let's stand.

Paul, the health department

does not allow people to sleep in city hall.

That's it... no exceptions. That's the rule.

All right.

I'll just bring my stuff over your place tonight.

City hall it is.

No pets, no parties,

and, for the love of God, get some underwear.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Next item... we need a volunteer to mentor a new intern.

Who wants to dedicate some time

to exposing a young mind to city hall?

I wouldn't mind exposing...

Stuart, don't make me put you in the cage.

Aw, come on, people!

Mentoring is a rewarding, meaningful experience,

and I get tickets to the Knicks game.

So, in short, Nikki, you got him.

Why can't Carter do it?

Unfortunately, I'm swamped.

I'd relish the opportunity to shape a fertile mind.

I'd like to shape a fer...

Stuart, cage!

I'm sorry I'm late. Traffic was murder.

You're commuting from the copy room!

Somebody, please!

Just take Paul in for a couple of days.

He can stay with me. You can have the top bunk.

You live alone. Why do you need bunk beds?

Hello! In case I get lucky.

Mike, I just wanted you to know

I'm canceling the mayor's campaign-commercial shoot.

Why?

I didn't think it was the right way to go.

That's a good idea, 'cause who knows

if this whole "television" thing will catch on.

Meeting adjourned.

Heh heh! I'd like to adjourn...

ah, I got nothin'.

What's goin' on? You pulled his radio spots, his print ads.

What's your campaign slogan...

"shh"?

Look, Mike, I am firmly in control of this campaign.

There's a sophisticated strategy behind every move I make.

You spent the campaign money, didn't you?

Pretty much.

Welcome to the real world, princess.

Daddy's not here to bail you out with his gold card.

My father left when I was 6 years old.

My mother had to work two jobs just to keep food on the table.

[VOICE BREAKING] So maybe once in a while,

instead of your sarcastic gibes,

you could give me a little support.

I'm not buyin' it.

I gave it a shot.

Listen, Mike...

close the door!

Caitlin just made her first major screwup.

Well, that's okay.

I'm sure we can work as a team and help her out.

Good.

Good. I like that.

Or we can take this opportunity

to crush her and take over the campaign.

And you know what? Let's do mine.

Mike, why do you always have to be so machiavellian?

Carter, you don't understand.

She pushes me out... my political career is over.

T-that's my whole life.

I mean, o-outside of this job,

[VOICE BREAKING] My life...

Is an empty, meaningless shell.

I'm not buyin' it.

I gave it a shot.

So, Paul's gonna stay at our place for a few days.

He really needs us right now.

What's in it for you, Stuart?

Did it ever occur to you that there are other sides to me?

You only know the Stuart who never cleans the kitchen,

who forgets to write down messages,

and who picks up busgirls at chili's

and has unconventional sex in your bed.

That third Stuart better get his ass out sheet-shopping.

The point is, I'm capable of a selfless act.

There's no ulterior motive here.

Stuart! My connection for the tickets came through!

We're goin' to the super bowl!

[LAUGHS]

I got a lot of work to do.

Could you show this intern around today?

If you think I'm babysitting your intern, you're crazy.

How you doin'? I'm Scott crane...

the new intern.

Uh, who do I report to?

Me! Me! Me!

Excuse me...

I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Caitlin's probably telling you how she bankrupted the campaign.

Bankrupt?! I didn't hear anything about that!

Well, this is awkward.

Sir, Mike is just trying to make me look bad.

The truth is...

you're out of money.

Well, we'll just go to the bank and get some more.

There is no more.

Well, access another account.

There are no other accounts.

Well, sell the beach house.

We don't have a beach house.

Well, then, we got two problems, don't we?

A-actually, sir, I have a solution...

u-unless you've got something.

Nothing? No?

Okay.

I've been courting a wealthy New York socialite

as a potential campaign donor.

I think now might be a good time for you to sit down with her.

Uh, miss Shaw?

And, sir, don't mention money. Let me bring that up.

No problem, Mike.

Mr. mayor, it's a pleasure to meet you.

So, Mike tells me you're rich.

Well, I didn't actually...

it's okay, Mike. I know I'm rich.

I'm rich, too.

Then why don't you finance your own campaign?

What are you... nuts? The way we waste money around here?

[DOOR UNLOCKS]

Oh, my God! My grandmother's here!

Hey, guys!

Oh, my God! She's white!

Paul, what the hell is goin' on in here?!

Doin' my laundry.

There is a laundry room.

Well, you guys only had $10 in quarters.

You used our quarters for laundry?

No, to pay for the pizza.

Oh, by the way, you guys are out of milk.

You washed your clothes in milk?

No, I had a huge bowl of cereal with the pizza.

Oh, by the way, you guys are out of cereal.

This isn't gonna work.

Super bowl, super bowl!

Paul, we're happy to have you here, but...

what's wrong with rags?

Oh, he was all jittery, so I gave him a bowl of whiskey.

By the way, you guys are out of whiskey.

What are you trying to pull, bringing Lindsay Shaw in?

It's my job to run the senate campaign.

Really? And what's that?

[GASPS] It's the ball you dropped.

And I'm picking it up.

And I'm running with the ball.

He fakes left! He fakes right!

He could... Go...

All... The... Way!

Boom!

Hahhh!

I could have brought Lindsay Shaw in months ago,

but the woman is nothing but trouble.

Oh, I get it... another woman comes along,

and you're all... [IMITATES CAT SCREECHING]

What are you talking about?

You see another woman,

and you get all... [HISSES]

Oh, wow, that's really cool.

You can do a cat and a jackass at the same time.

The reason why I didn't bring Lindsay Shaw in

is because the woman will have a huge list of demands.

And I will come right back with a huge list of "no's."

No... Big deal, no... Sweat,

no... Problemo.

Well, I think that's everything.

Okay. Very good.

Well, this has been a very... Profitable afternoon.

We both put our two cents in,

and I think you can bank on me not passing the buck.

Gimme cash.

I'll bring the check tomorrow, Mike.

That press conference will be at 10:00 sharp.

I'm afraid that's set in stone.

Actually, 9:30 is better for me.

9:30 rocks!

Look, Mike... Lindsay's got your ball.

No, wait... she's got both of them.

So?

She's not here yet.

It's a long drive in from the farm you gave away.

I did not give her one thing I really cared about.

Good morning, Mike, Caitlin.

Hmm. Nice watch.

Oh, yeah. Uh, it was my grandfather's.

B-but he would want you to have it.

I was just being nice.

Oh, and, Mike,

there are a couple more things I want to add to that list.

Miss Shaw, with all due respect,

enough is enough, okay?

At a certain point, you should just run for senate yourself.

Well! Flaherty!

You're not such a wuss after all.

Thank you.

T-t-thank you very much.

Showtime!

I'm Paul lassiter. I'm the press secretary.

I'll be escorting you to the podium today.

And here we are.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I came here today to support the "Winston for senate" campaign

with this... Sizable contribution.

But then I thought, "is this the best way to get involved?"

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Yes or no.

Maybe there's a better alternative.

And just moments ago, the deputy mayor...

Suggested that alternative.

I have decided to run against the mayor

for the United States senate.

[MURMURING]

Great. Now, because of you,

the mayor is running against a woman

who is rich and well-connected.

Yeah, but I've still got a 90-year-old Timex.

Mike, the woman is a real problem.

She just pumped $50,000

into negative ads attacking the mayor.

Okay, we haven't got any money.

We need free airtime. How do we do that?

I'm not sleeping with a network president.

Okay, plan "b."

Opposing viewpoints are the cornerstone

upon which our great political system is built.

That is why we are challenging you

to a televised debate. As an American,

I believe you have no choice but to say yes.

No.

Come on!

Well, if that won't convince you,

maybe this will.

What's this?

That is a picture of you...

how do you potheads put it?...

tokin' a "j."

Smokin' a bone.

Puffin' a spliff.

Mike, we get the idea.

Pullin' on a phatty.

Sparkin' a blunt.

Bogarting the dubage.

All right.

First of all, this picture was taken in Amsterdam,

where smoking marijuana is not a crime.

Secondly,

I support the legalization of marijuana.

Great, now everybody's gonna vote for her.

Well, I think you've wasted enough of my time.

To sum up, there will be no debate.

[CLUCKS]

What the hell is he doing?

That's "the chicken."

If you think you can goad me into debating...

[CLUCKING]

You're just embarrassing yourself.

[CLUCKING]

Mike, we've got to stop him.

No, wait for the walk.

[CLUCKS]

All right, chicken man, you've got your debate.

The man is a free-range political genius.

Nikki, free to take Scott off your hands.

No, we're good, janelle.

I've got time. Then learn to sew.

Why don't you meet me back at my desk in five.

All right. Later.

Later.

Nice outfit.

Thanks.

You hooking up with felicity later?

You watch "felicity"?

Not since she cut her hair. This new look of yours

wouldn't have anything to do with that cute intern?

What are you saying?

I'm just saying, is it appropriate

for you to be hanging out with a 20-year-old?

I think his attention is sweet and flattering,

but I am also aware of the fact that I am a grown woman.

Now, if you will excuse me.

Well, we did it.

We survived a night with Paul.

Did we, Stuart?

Once you've seen the horrors that men are capable of,

can you ever be what you once were?

Who eats rice-a-roni out of the box?

Naked.

And gets up at 4:00 a.m. to do yoga?

Naked.

Carter, we need to move on, to forget.

Think about the game.

Hear, hear!

Guys, bad news...

turns out transportation isn't included

in the super bowl package.

That's okay, Paul.

I guess we can pay for our own flights.

Why would you want to fly to new Jersey?

Paul, the super bowl is in Atlanta.

No, it's not.

It's at the biggest bowling alley in Trenton.

We thought you were taking us to the football super bowl!

What are you, high?

You guys only put me up for o night.

And no offense, but it's not exactly the red roof inn.

This debate tomorrow is critical.

It'll set the tone for the whole campaign.

Debate?

Isn't that what they use to catch de-fish?

That's funny, sir...

But we need to focus,

so what we're gonna do is a mock debate.

Caitlin will be Lindsay.

Who will I be, Mike?

You'll be... you'll be James.

Sweet. I can totally nail that.

Okay, James, take it away.

Give me just one second to get into character.

Got it.

Miss Shaw, on what major issues

do you disagree with your opponent?

Mr. mayor, you claim to be a man of the people,

yet your policies suggest that you have no compassion

for the poor, the needy, the underprivileged.

You promise everything, yet deliver nothing.

Mr. mayor, your rebuttal?

You're fired.

Sir, you can't...

watch it, or you're next.

Okay, I... Liked a lot of what I saw.

Wow.

Great room.

Nice guitar.

I've been jammin' since freshman year.

Do you want to hear "stairway to heaven"?

No, I'm good.

Oh, uh, you can't put that there.

If I stain the wood, my mom can get pretty p. O.'D.

Oh, uh, you wanted to look over my research?

Yeah, yeah, I, um, wanted to look over your... Research.

It's right over here.

This is totally inappropriate. I should not be here.

What do you mean?

You are an innocent kid. I am taking advantage of you.

[CRASH]

Dude, you're right. She is hotter than Billy's mom.

Scott crane, you should be totally ashamed of yourself.

The is very immature!

You can forget about go-carts tomorrow!

How did I do?

Oh, you did great, sir.

Although I think you might have gone a little heavy

on the "I know you are, but what am I?"

Well, she is.

Oh, great. He forgot his notes.

I'll take it to him.

What the man needs is a good night's rest.

No, what he needs is this.

How would you know what he needs?

I've been with the guy for five years.

You've been here for five minutes,

and all you've done is bankrupt his campaign.

A campaign we might have won

if you hadn't been so obsessed with showing me up.

From the minute you waltzed into city hall,

all you've done is make my life miserable.

And I have pictures of you all over my apartment.

You know, I'm sick of you.

I'm sick of your... Tight pants and... Silky hair.

Yeah? Well, I'm sick of you

with your boyish charm and your... Dimpled smile.

Forgot my notes.

Here! Here!

I'm heading uptown. Who wants a ride?

I do. Me.

No, you take it. No, you take it.

I'll take a cab. I'll walk.

[EXHALES]

And being a single mother has made me better able

to understand the needs of single-income families.

Ah, well, unlike my opponent,

I support state-sponsored castration for prisoners.

No, that's not right.

Mr. mayor, you are making a mockery of this debate,

just as you've made a mockery of leading this city.

You, sir, are an embarrassment.

Oh, God, now he's gonna try and fire her.

Have you ever had a real job?

Excuse me?

You talk a big game, but what have you actually done?

I was on the city council for 10 years,

and I have been mayor of this great city for four.

Well, I...

I'm sure the public would like to know what you were doing

while I was handling the sanitation strike of '96,

the taxi strike of '98,

or when I rolled that whale back into the water off coney island.

It never happened,

but he's en fuego.

Anybody with money and their picture in the paper

thinks they belong in office these days,

but being senator isn't a hobby, like tennis.

You can't just run up to the clubhouse

for a quick diddle whenever you get bored.

Okay, that was over the line, but I'm playing for keeps here!

Well, I guess we didn't need to prep the mayor.

Then you wouldn't have had your little folder moment.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

Last night... you, me, manila.

Mike, nothing happened last night.

It was late. We wanted to go to bed.

I wanted to go to bed.

We just stared at each other.

Talk to the dimples.

I'm not even remotely interested in you.

If you were the last man on earth,

I'd date outside my species.

She's got it bad.

Nikki.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, talk.

In private?

Listen, I just want to apologize for yesterday.

You've been so good to me, and I acted like a total jerk.

You need to learn to respect women.

You're right, and I'm gonna start trying.

Listen, can we still be friends?

Sure.

[THUD] Ow!

Hey!

I don't believe you!

Nikki...

aw, Nikki, wait!

Dude, I was so in!

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

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