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1
00:00:01,444 --> 00:00:04,245
Hi, I'm calling
on behalf of Mike Flaherty.
2
00:00:04,151 --> 00:00:05,952
Is councilwoman Schwartz
3
00:00:05,903 --> 00:00:08,739
still attending the benefit
with the mayor?
4
00:00:08,707 --> 00:00:11,141
Great.
May I speak to her, please?
5
00:00:11,063 --> 00:00:12,230
Good morning.
6
00:00:12,211 --> 00:00:13,311
Good morning!
7
00:00:13,295 --> 00:00:15,028
Beautiful day, huh?
8
00:00:14,983 --> 00:00:17,451
Oh, yeah... crisp!
9
00:00:17,372 --> 00:00:19,873
Mike wanted to go over what
you'll be wearing tomorrow.
10
00:00:19,794 --> 00:00:22,361
Suit.
11
00:00:22,278 --> 00:00:24,312
Mike was hoping
something more festive.
12
00:00:24,253 --> 00:00:25,786
Like what?
13
00:00:25,750 --> 00:00:27,550
A cocktail dress.
14
00:00:27,502 --> 00:00:29,636
A cocktail dress?
15
00:00:29,573 --> 00:00:31,307
If you're not comfortable
wearing that,
16
00:00:31,261 --> 00:00:33,229
the mayor can always find
someone else.
17
00:00:33,173 --> 00:00:35,108
He'd fire me?
18
00:00:35,053 --> 00:00:36,587
Exactly.
19
00:00:36,550 --> 00:00:41,087
All right, I'll wear one.
20
00:00:40,914 --> 00:00:43,549
Listen, you need any help
finding a dress?
21
00:00:43,463 --> 00:00:45,230
No, I have one.
22
00:00:45,184 --> 00:00:46,551
Hey, good morning, Paul.
23
00:00:46,521 --> 00:00:47,921
All right...
24
00:00:47,892 --> 00:00:49,692
I'll come to work
tomorrow morning,
25
00:00:49,644 --> 00:00:51,045
I'll wear a cocktail dress,
26
00:00:51,014 --> 00:00:53,949
and prance around
like some hairy debutante!
27
00:00:53,849 --> 00:00:56,183
You win!
Congratulations!
28
00:00:56,111 --> 00:00:57,745
You're the winner!
29
00:01:01,973 --> 00:01:05,676
What sick, demented contest
did I enter?
30
00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:08,141
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]
31
00:01:33,926 --> 00:01:36,861
Nik, I just want you
to know...
32
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:37,727
I know.
33
00:01:37,716 --> 00:01:39,150
I'm sorry?
34
00:01:39,118 --> 00:01:41,753
The gray coat
you've been wearing all week...
35
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:44,535
the same gray coat
you wore on our first date...
36
00:01:44,439 --> 00:01:47,441
turn down the volume.
I hear you.
37
00:01:47,337 --> 00:01:48,937
It's a raincoat, Mike.
38
00:01:48,898 --> 00:01:50,732
I wear it when it rains.
39
00:01:50,682 --> 00:01:52,950
And it's raining
on the inside, isn't it?
40
00:01:52,881 --> 00:01:54,615
What is the forecast, Nik,
41
00:01:54,569 --> 00:01:57,204
partly lonely
with a chance of regret?
42
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,019
All I'm saying is that this
is a difficult time for us,
43
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,155
and there's bound to be
some weirdness.
44
00:02:02,087 --> 00:02:04,422
And apparently you're going to
provide it.
45
00:02:04,349 --> 00:02:06,383
Morning.
Morning.
46
00:02:06,325 --> 00:02:08,526
Good morning, Mike.
47
00:02:08,459 --> 00:02:09,893
What are you doin' here?
48
00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:12,628
I asked you if I could
sit in on the meeting.
49
00:02:12,537 --> 00:02:14,304
Yeah, and I said no.
50
00:02:14,257 --> 00:02:16,024
And I came anyway.
51
00:02:15,977 --> 00:02:18,612
Really don't want you here.
52
00:02:18,526 --> 00:02:21,495
Really
don't care.
53
00:02:21,393 --> 00:02:22,993
As long as we're clear.
54
00:02:22,954 --> 00:02:24,688
Uh, kids are back in school,
55
00:02:24,642 --> 00:02:26,944
and voters are thinking
about education,
56
00:02:26,872 --> 00:02:30,107
so we have named a junior
high school after the mayor.
57
00:02:29,995 --> 00:02:32,930
That's easy answers,
not substantive change.
58
00:02:32,829 --> 00:02:34,497
Slick politics as usual.
59
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:36,054
But with a kick-ass mascot!
60
00:02:37,895 --> 00:02:41,030
Kids, we're giving you something
better than literacy...
61
00:02:40,921 --> 00:02:43,022
it's a beaver!
62
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,594
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
63
00:02:44,554 --> 00:02:46,020
That's a
raccoon.
64
00:02:45,987 --> 00:02:48,589
I'd know those eyes
anywhere.
65
00:02:48,504 --> 00:02:52,740
I was mauled by one
at a rest stop in Pennsylvania.
66
00:02:52,581 --> 00:02:55,217
Woodchuck.
I was also attacked...
67
00:02:56,213 --> 00:02:58,347
...in my family's rec room.
68
00:02:58,283 --> 00:03:01,052
Guys, we, uh...
we have a visitor.
69
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:04,063
How did a woodchuck
get in the family's rec room?
70
00:03:03,955 --> 00:03:06,657
Snuck in
through the pig door.
71
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:08,334
Hello!
Government meeting here!
72
00:03:08,286 --> 00:03:09,920
We have a lot
to accomplish today.
73
00:03:09,879 --> 00:03:11,880
Let's stay focused
and not get distracted.
74
00:03:11,823 --> 00:03:13,958
I'm telling you,
that is a beaver!
75
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:16,996
How would you know
what a beaver looks like?
76
00:03:19,628 --> 00:03:22,363
Yeah,
I'd like to talk to m...
77
00:03:22,273 --> 00:03:24,641
yeah?
78
00:03:24,566 --> 00:03:26,434
I'd like to talk to Mike.
79
00:03:26,382 --> 00:03:28,717
I would like to party
backstage with pm dawn...
80
00:03:28,644 --> 00:03:31,179
doesn't mean
it's gonna happen.
81
00:03:31,097 --> 00:03:32,798
James, ever since
you got that headset,
82
00:03:32,753 --> 00:03:34,988
you've become too big
for your britches.
83
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,153
I gotta talk to Mike
84
00:03:36,130 --> 00:03:37,931
about who's gonna wear
the badger suit
85
00:03:37,882 --> 00:03:39,716
at the school
press conference.
86
00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:43,036
Paul, as deputy-deputy mayor
of New York City,
87
00:03:42,916 --> 00:03:45,918
I'll be deciding that.
88
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,529
You can't decide that, James.
89
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,112
You're just a secretary.
90
00:03:51,072 --> 00:03:53,273
You're a lowlife,
pencil-pushin',
91
00:03:53,206 --> 00:03:55,507
bottom-of-the-barrel
secretary.
92
00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:58,539
You just bought yourself
two hours in a badger suit!
93
00:04:00,278 --> 00:04:01,878
If the mayor is gonna win,
94
00:04:01,839 --> 00:04:05,575
we're gonna raise your staff's
professionalism to a new level.
95
00:04:05,439 --> 00:04:08,041
This is not some
stuffy corporate environment.
96
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:10,825
What I've created here
is a free-form think tank...
97
00:04:10,727 --> 00:04:12,695
a mental playground,
if you will.
98
00:04:12,639 --> 00:04:15,308
Now, some of our most profound
and innovative ideas
99
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:17,088
are born out of chaos.
100
00:04:17,036 --> 00:04:19,104
Look at me!
I'm a secretary!
101
00:04:19,042 --> 00:04:21,477
I'm a secre...
hello? Is this thing on?!
102
00:04:21,401 --> 00:04:24,102
Can you tell I'm a secretary?
Hello?
103
00:04:25,542 --> 00:04:27,343
They're onto something ? big.
104
00:04:33,123 --> 00:04:36,292
Stuart, I'll just be
a few more minutes.
105
00:04:36,182 --> 00:04:37,683
What's the headband for...
106
00:04:37,647 --> 00:04:41,884
to keep the
bald out of your eyes?
107
00:04:41,725 --> 00:04:44,294
You know, Stuart,
it's the wit like that
108
00:04:44,210 --> 00:04:47,145
that makes you such catnip
for the hookers.
109
00:04:47,046 --> 00:04:48,913
So this is the gay gym, huh?
110
00:04:48,861 --> 00:04:51,730
It's not actually called
"the gay gym."
111
00:04:51,633 --> 00:04:54,968
But it's a gym
with nothing but gay men.
112
00:04:54,850 --> 00:04:59,187
I hear you can land a 747
in the steam room.
113
00:04:59,023 --> 00:05:00,490
We don't work out here.
114
00:05:00,456 --> 00:05:02,424
We just run
around the locker room,
115
00:05:02,368 --> 00:05:05,304
snapping towels at each other,
and having naked chicken fights,
116
00:05:05,204 --> 00:05:06,672
you tool.
117
00:05:06,638 --> 00:05:08,172
I got better things to do
118
00:05:08,135 --> 00:05:10,203
than hang around here
and look at men.
119
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:13,277
Holy cow, will you look
at the cans on that guy!
120
00:05:14,443 --> 00:05:15,843
Beautiful women
come here
121
00:05:15,813 --> 00:05:17,881
so they can work out
without being hit on.
122
00:05:20,463 --> 00:05:24,500
[CHURCH ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
123
00:05:24,350 --> 00:05:25,985
There is
a heaven...
124
00:05:25,943 --> 00:05:28,011
And it's a gay gym.
125
00:05:30,722 --> 00:05:34,091
Hey, Nik.
126
00:05:33,971 --> 00:05:36,540
I recognize that sweater.
127
00:05:36,456 --> 00:05:39,191
Second date... boathouse...
128
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:41,134
Met your mom.
129
00:05:41,075 --> 00:05:43,343
That was the sweater
that said,
130
00:05:43,273 --> 00:05:47,477
"we want you
in the family, Mike."
131
00:05:47,319 --> 00:05:48,953
You know what?
132
00:05:48,912 --> 00:05:51,380
Why don't you come over
to my apartment tonight
133
00:05:51,301 --> 00:05:53,436
and tell me
which of my clothes say,
134
00:05:53,372 --> 00:05:55,541
"stay the hell away
from me"?
135
00:05:55,475 --> 00:05:57,176
Nikki, I had an idea...
136
00:05:57,101 --> 00:05:59,067
I just thought
it might help us.
137
00:05:59,011 --> 00:06:01,146
Tell me what you think
about this...
138
00:06:01,081 --> 00:06:02,882
couples counseling.
139
00:06:02,833 --> 00:06:03,834
No.
140
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,123
Fine. I respect that.
141
00:06:06,052 --> 00:06:07,618
Let's just, uh...
142
00:06:07,581 --> 00:06:11,084
let's just go
to the budget meeting.
143
00:06:11,149 --> 00:06:12,883
Nikki, this is tom.
144
00:06:12,837 --> 00:06:15,238
Tom, this is Nikki.
Let's dive right in.
145
00:06:15,163 --> 00:06:17,597
Nikki's under the misconception
that I am deceitful
146
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:20,156
and manipulative
and that you're an accountant.
147
00:06:20,197 --> 00:06:21,564
He's a therapist!
148
00:06:21,534 --> 00:06:23,635
You lied to me
to get me in here!
149
00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:29,614
And how does that
make you feel?
150
00:06:29,498 --> 00:06:31,599
This
is great!
151
00:06:31,538 --> 00:06:36,008
Your gay gym
rejected my application!
152
00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:37,973
Stuart,
under "personal goals,"
153
00:06:37,910 --> 00:06:41,445
you put
"two chicks in a hot tub."
154
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:43,552
Still, it's discrimination.
155
00:06:43,485 --> 00:06:47,254
This goes against everything
you stand for.
156
00:06:47,117 --> 00:06:52,254
Discrimination in
any form is a violation of...
157
00:06:52,054 --> 00:06:55,090
that... ohh!
158
00:06:54,985 --> 00:06:57,152
That thing... that list.
159
00:06:57,087 --> 00:06:59,889
You know,
the gay manifesto!
160
00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:01,463
The "bill of rights"?!
161
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:04,489
That's the one!
162
00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:07,784
Just forget
that I'm payin' the bill.
163
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:09,629
And no way do I expect you
to take my side.
164
00:07:09,576 --> 00:07:11,343
I'm here as a
couples counselor.
165
00:07:11,296 --> 00:07:12,863
There'll be no "sides."
166
00:07:12,825 --> 00:07:14,960
Right.
167
00:07:14,896 --> 00:07:17,297
Gotcha.
168
00:07:18,878 --> 00:07:20,145
Nikki and I are here
169
00:07:20,121 --> 00:07:22,355
because we want to give
this thing another go.
170
00:07:22,286 --> 00:07:25,155
No, we don't.
171
00:07:25,058 --> 00:07:26,725
There you go, doc.
172
00:07:26,683 --> 00:07:28,984
Get in there...
work your magic.
173
00:07:30,187 --> 00:07:31,987
Half the time
we were together,
174
00:07:31,939 --> 00:07:33,940
I felt like
he wasn't even there.
175
00:07:33,882 --> 00:07:35,216
And you blamed yourself.
176
00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:36,589
Yes.
Yes, yes!
177
00:07:36,558 --> 00:07:38,993
I felt like
it was all my fault.
178
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,918
Yeah, me too.
Me too.
179
00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:42,527
I felt that way, too.
180
00:07:42,484 --> 00:07:44,319
That's good, Mike.
Think about that.
181
00:07:45,797 --> 00:07:48,199
Do you want to tell me
about your childhood?
182
00:07:48,123 --> 00:07:49,757
You never asked me that.
183
00:07:49,716 --> 00:07:51,950
I thought we were thinking.
184
00:07:51,881 --> 00:07:55,251
When I was 6...
185
00:07:55,131 --> 00:07:58,100
I lost my binky.
186
00:08:00,388 --> 00:08:04,291
[VOICE BREAKING] Turns out
my mom just threw it away.
187
00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:08,670
So really what you're doing
is transferring
188
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:12,745
Mike's negative feelings
about himself onto you.
189
00:08:16,317 --> 00:08:18,619
You might want to get
a check ready.
190
00:08:18,579 --> 00:08:22,715
I'm finishing up here.
191
00:08:22,561 --> 00:08:25,496
Thank you, tom.
This has been great.
192
00:08:28,391 --> 00:08:30,426
Goodbye, doctor.
193
00:08:30,366 --> 00:08:32,099
Goodbye, patient.
194
00:08:34,412 --> 00:08:37,982
I think we had
some real breakthroughs here.
195
00:08:37,853 --> 00:08:40,288
Yeah, well,
I know I had one...
196
00:08:40,210 --> 00:08:41,877
you suck.
197
00:08:44,797 --> 00:08:46,197
Welcome, students.
198
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:47,435
As your parents know,
199
00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:50,579
I've always considered myself
"the education mayor,"
200
00:08:50,468 --> 00:08:52,202
so I am particularly proud
201
00:08:52,156 --> 00:08:54,191
of Randall m. Winston
junior high
202
00:08:54,131 --> 00:08:56,332
and our great mascot...
203
00:08:58,974 --> 00:09:01,209
...the rat.
204
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:03,541
Badger.
They're badgers, sir.
205
00:09:03,465 --> 00:09:07,235
Remember, parents,
"badger" your kids to study.
206
00:09:07,097 --> 00:09:10,166
Study! Study! Study!
207
00:09:10,060 --> 00:09:14,931
Mike, whoever wore this thing
before me threw up in it!
208
00:09:14,744 --> 00:09:18,346
Well, you roll the dice
when you rent.
209
00:09:18,215 --> 00:09:21,084
Mr. mayor, a lot of kids
think the standardized tests
210
00:09:20,987 --> 00:09:22,922
for city eighth-graders
are too hard.
211
00:09:22,867 --> 00:09:24,501
What do you think?
212
00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:26,595
I think
that's a very good question,
213
00:09:26,530 --> 00:09:28,198
but the answer is "no."
214
00:09:28,155 --> 00:09:30,056
Those tests
are very important.
215
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,738
You kids just need to study,
study, study,
216
00:09:32,647 --> 00:09:35,683
like busy little... Badgers.
217
00:09:35,579 --> 00:09:37,212
How about a sample question?
218
00:09:37,170 --> 00:09:39,172
Sure! Hit me!
219
00:09:39,114 --> 00:09:41,449
"A tape player runs
at 7 inches per second.
220
00:09:41,376 --> 00:09:43,277
"How many hours of play
will I get
221
00:09:43,224 --> 00:09:44,825
with an 800-foot-long tape?"
222
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,189
Pass.
223
00:09:50,137 --> 00:09:52,438
Are you saying
you can't answer the question?
224
00:09:52,366 --> 00:09:54,801
The mayor
can answer that question.
225
00:09:54,725 --> 00:09:57,260
The mayor can answer
any question on that test.
226
00:09:57,178 --> 00:09:59,012
So the mayor
will take the test?
227
00:09:58,961 --> 00:10:03,532
The mayor is far too busy
to take that test.
228
00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:05,290
So you're saying
"the education mayor"
229
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,004
has no time for kids?
230
00:10:06,957 --> 00:10:09,726
You sure
you go to public school?
231
00:10:17,757 --> 00:10:18,891
Morning, Mike.
232
00:10:18,872 --> 00:10:20,006
Caitlin.
233
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:21,455
Great day, huh?
234
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:22,754
I don't want to hear it.
235
00:10:22,727 --> 00:10:24,561
Have you seen
today's papers?
236
00:10:24,511 --> 00:10:27,647
"Mayor stumped
by eighth-grader"...
237
00:10:27,537 --> 00:10:29,005
"Mayor held back"...
238
00:10:28,971 --> 00:10:33,975
And my personal favorite...
"mayor... stupid."
239
00:10:33,781 --> 00:10:38,284
Nobody reads
usa today.
240
00:10:38,114 --> 00:10:41,216
Sorry I'm late, but now
that you have to take the test,
241
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:44,177
I thought we should review
some of the subjects.
242
00:10:44,072 --> 00:10:45,305
Oh, it'll be fun.
243
00:10:45,283 --> 00:10:47,317
It'll be like I'm back
in prep school.
244
00:10:47,258 --> 00:10:49,893
But I'm afraid
you're gonna have to study
245
00:10:49,806 --> 00:10:53,441
a little harder than you did
at Winston academy.
246
00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:55,110
Pauly, since we
have janelle in here,
247
00:10:55,062 --> 00:10:57,130
we probably don't need
two secretaries.
248
00:10:57,069 --> 00:10:59,837
I'm the press
secretary, James.
249
00:10:59,745 --> 00:11:02,814
Well, put whatever word
you want in front of it.
250
00:11:02,708 --> 00:11:04,508
That's it.
I'm takin' the headset.
251
00:11:04,460 --> 00:11:06,595
You're one word away
from that badger suit!
252
00:11:06,531 --> 00:11:07,931
But...
253
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,935
that's the word!
Suit up!
254
00:11:14,463 --> 00:11:17,732
Janelle, note in the minutes
Paul was asked to leave.
255
00:11:17,617 --> 00:11:20,086
Yeah, I'll put it in here
right before
256
00:11:20,007 --> 00:11:25,878
"janelle puts foot
in deputy deputy mayor's ass."
257
00:11:25,645 --> 00:11:27,980
All right, "my brother
is twice as old as I am.
258
00:11:27,907 --> 00:11:30,509
"10 years from now
he will be 13 years older.
259
00:11:30,424 --> 00:11:32,391
How old am I?"
260
00:11:32,335 --> 00:11:40,075
My brother is 53,
and he's still a bachelor.
261
00:11:39,758 --> 00:11:44,695
He took his friend Hector
to mother's funeral.
262
00:11:44,505 --> 00:11:46,206
Your brother's gay, sir.
263
00:11:47,468 --> 00:11:49,169
"A man
sells a mixture of nuts
264
00:11:49,124 --> 00:11:51,092
"consisting of 1/3 pecans
and 2/3 cashews.
265
00:11:51,036 --> 00:11:53,137
If a pound
of the nut mixture..."
266
00:11:53,074 --> 00:11:57,912
you know, I'm overdue
for my testicular exam.
267
00:12:00,051 --> 00:12:02,686
I'm just here to tutor, sir.
268
00:12:04,289 --> 00:12:06,724
If anyone deserves
to be discriminated against,
269
00:12:06,646 --> 00:12:08,947
it's this man.
270
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,765
But our forefathers
gave their lives
271
00:12:13,687 --> 00:12:15,754
so that repugnant creeps
like him
272
00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:17,694
can walk into any gym
in this land
273
00:12:17,636 --> 00:12:19,470
and take a spin class.
274
00:12:19,421 --> 00:12:21,088
Am I happy about that?
275
00:12:21,045 --> 00:12:23,681
Would I want to be the one
on the bike next to him?
276
00:12:23,594 --> 00:12:25,562
No!
277
00:12:25,506 --> 00:12:28,008
But do you know who would?
278
00:12:27,927 --> 00:12:31,896
Thomas Jefferson!
279
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:35,253
I don't think
fruit basket's buyin' it.
280
00:12:35,127 --> 00:12:36,894
Tom?
281
00:12:36,847 --> 00:12:39,014
I wasn't expecting you.
282
00:12:38,949 --> 00:12:42,986
Yeah, uh,
we should probably talk.
283
00:12:42,836 --> 00:12:45,138
Oh, hey, listen...
no need to apologize, okay?
284
00:12:45,066 --> 00:12:46,733
We all do things we regret.
285
00:12:46,690 --> 00:12:49,126
You lost your objectivity
in our session,
286
00:12:49,048 --> 00:12:51,950
and I stopped payment
on your check.
287
00:12:51,851 --> 00:12:54,185
Don't beat yourself up.
288
00:12:54,113 --> 00:12:56,915
Actually, I'm more worried
about you beating me up.
289
00:12:56,822 --> 00:12:58,556
Now, tom, why would I...
290
00:13:00,421 --> 00:13:02,989
ready for lunch?
291
00:13:02,906 --> 00:13:04,273
Oh, gotcha!
292
00:13:04,244 --> 00:13:06,611
I'm sorry, Mike,
it's just...
293
00:13:08,577 --> 00:13:10,311
we had a real connection.
294
00:13:10,265 --> 00:13:12,066
Yeah... me,
tom! I was the connection!
295
00:13:12,017 --> 00:13:14,051
You know,
this is so unprofessional!
296
00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:16,194
You could lose your license
for this!
297
00:13:16,126 --> 00:13:18,095
Well, I've been looking
for an excuse
298
00:13:18,039 --> 00:13:21,508
to focus on my music anyway.
299
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:22,283
You're a musician?
300
00:13:28,519 --> 00:13:30,753
Sir,
how's the studying going?
301
00:13:30,686 --> 00:13:32,420
I'm stumped.
302
00:13:32,374 --> 00:13:36,745
Why is Cher "in"
and Madonna "out"?
303
00:13:36,580 --> 00:13:38,481
Because Cher's
a survivor, sir.
304
00:13:38,427 --> 00:13:40,128
Give me the magazine.
305
00:13:42,345 --> 00:13:44,846
What are those?
306
00:13:44,767 --> 00:13:46,535
Very special sneakers, sir.
307
00:13:46,487 --> 00:13:48,087
Put them on.
308
00:13:48,048 --> 00:13:50,049
History and geography
on your right,
309
00:13:49,991 --> 00:13:52,259
science and vocabulary
on your left.
310
00:13:52,190 --> 00:13:55,459
They're "cross-cheaters."
311
00:13:55,344 --> 00:13:56,811
I feel smarter already.
312
00:13:56,777 --> 00:13:59,179
Oh, Mike,
next time you're in Montana,
313
00:13:59,103 --> 00:14:01,871
make sure
you stop by the capital...
314
00:14:01,779 --> 00:14:04,514
Helena.
315
00:14:04,422 --> 00:14:06,023
Sir, Caitlin's here.
316
00:14:05,984 --> 00:14:07,886
Oh, good.
Send her in.
317
00:14:07,832 --> 00:14:10,133
And thank you
for being so...
318
00:14:10,061 --> 00:14:12,263
Assiduous.
319
00:14:13,565 --> 00:14:15,333
Mr. mayor, I was just talking
320
00:14:15,286 --> 00:14:17,621
to the prime minister
of Mozambique about you.
321
00:14:17,548 --> 00:14:18,916
Mozambique?
322
00:14:18,886 --> 00:14:21,120
Isn't their chief export...
323
00:14:21,052 --> 00:14:23,053
Salt?
324
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,797
Sir, the only thing worse
325
00:14:24,748 --> 00:14:26,616
than failing
an eighth-grade test
326
00:14:26,564 --> 00:14:29,333
is getting caught cheatingon an eighth-grade test.
327
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,408
You're not wearing
those shoes.
328
00:14:31,343 --> 00:14:33,343
I'm sorry. I don't see
how you can stop him.
329
00:14:38,192 --> 00:14:40,327
Well, Caitlin,
that was kind of...
330
00:14:40,263 --> 00:14:45,567
In-cur-cos...
331
00:14:45,359 --> 00:14:47,694
Blah!
332
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:55,862
I must admit, the last time
I took a standardized test,
333
00:14:55,745 --> 00:14:59,748
I didn't feel anywhere near
this much pressure.
334
00:15:01,129 --> 00:15:03,264
I just want to say
that I am fully confident
335
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,835
that I'm gonna pass this test
with ease.
336
00:15:05,749 --> 00:15:10,018
I feel like I have
a group of great minds
337
00:15:09,858 --> 00:15:13,094
taking this test with me.
338
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:15,515
And now I shall begin.
339
00:15:15,432 --> 00:15:19,369
And now I shall begin.
340
00:15:19,225 --> 00:15:23,661
"Who was the supreme
allied commander on d-day?"
341
00:15:23,493 --> 00:15:25,795
Dwight d. Eisenhower.
Omar Bradley.
342
00:15:25,723 --> 00:15:28,892
I'll tell you who it
wasn't ... a black man...
343
00:15:28,781 --> 00:15:32,651
Even though "Omar"
sounds like a brother.
344
00:15:32,509 --> 00:15:36,545
Well, I know
it wasn't a black man...
345
00:15:39,008 --> 00:15:43,245
...even though "Omar"
does sound like my brother.
346
00:15:43,085 --> 00:15:46,054
Sir, it was
Dwight d. Eisenhower.
347
00:15:45,953 --> 00:15:47,787
Caitlin's coming!
348
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:52,035
What's going on in there?
349
00:15:52,006 --> 00:15:53,773
Nothing...
nothing at all.
350
00:15:55,223 --> 00:15:57,391
We need a bunsen burner,
a Spanish dictionary,
351
00:15:57,326 --> 00:15:59,761
and a styrofoam model
of the solar system.
352
00:16:00,798 --> 00:16:02,299
Okay, I lied...
353
00:16:02,264 --> 00:16:04,866
I'm making fondue
for a Mexican astronomer.
354
00:16:04,781 --> 00:16:06,147
You guys are cheating.
355
00:16:06,118 --> 00:16:09,353
Okay, what's the first element
on the periodic table?
356
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,941
It's either hydrogen
or helium. Somebody...
357
00:16:11,853 --> 00:16:14,087
boron!
Nitrogen!
358
00:16:13,987 --> 00:16:16,588
Nutrasweet!
359
00:16:18,638 --> 00:16:20,473
Caitlin?
360
00:16:20,423 --> 00:16:22,191
Help.
361
00:16:22,143 --> 00:16:23,143
Yeah, right.
362
00:16:23,130 --> 00:16:24,264
Come on.
363
00:16:24,245 --> 00:16:25,545
No way.
364
00:16:25,519 --> 00:16:27,287
Oh, I get it.
365
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,841
Little miss Ivy league
doesn't know.
366
00:16:28,801 --> 00:16:30,302
Oh, I know.
367
00:16:30,266 --> 00:16:31,767
She doesn't know.
368
00:16:31,732 --> 00:16:34,734
ALL: [CHANTING]
She doesn't know.
369
00:16:34,630 --> 00:16:36,865
It's hydrogen.
370
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,264
It's hydrogen!
371
00:16:40,683 --> 00:16:43,453
If we're gonna cheat,
let's at least do it right.
372
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:44,560
Gimme me that headset.
373
00:16:44,539 --> 00:16:46,406
[SIGHS]
It's hydrogen, sir,
374
00:16:46,354 --> 00:16:48,622
although I don't approve
of cheating.
375
00:16:48,553 --> 00:16:49,853
Give that back.
376
00:16:49,827 --> 00:16:51,962
I'm in charge now.
Guess again.
377
00:16:51,897 --> 00:16:53,031
No, you guess.
378
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,513
Gimme them!
Give me!
379
00:16:54,477 --> 00:16:56,378
You give it...
give me...
380
00:16:56,326 --> 00:16:57,559
ha!
381
00:16:57,536 --> 00:16:59,537
I got the biggest half.
382
00:16:59,479 --> 00:17:01,146
Hello?
383
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,805
Hello?
384
00:17:02,761 --> 00:17:04,161
Where are the voices?
385
00:17:04,131 --> 00:17:05,931
I don't hear the voices.
386
00:17:12,604 --> 00:17:15,139
Not only is he gonna fail,
but look at me...
387
00:17:15,057 --> 00:17:16,725
I helped the mayor cheat.
388
00:17:16,682 --> 00:17:18,383
I fought over a headset.
389
00:17:18,339 --> 00:17:21,308
I'm like a classier,
more intelligent...
390
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:23,641
You.
391
00:17:23,563 --> 00:17:24,864
Oh, yeah, real classy.
392
00:17:24,839 --> 00:17:27,206
I think I still have
one of your press-on nails
393
00:17:27,131 --> 00:17:29,132
in my back.
394
00:17:33,248 --> 00:17:35,616
95th percentile!
Who's the man?!
395
00:17:35,542 --> 00:17:36,476
Ooh!
396
00:17:36,499 --> 00:17:38,199
You are, sir,
and, uh,
397
00:17:38,154 --> 00:17:41,857
no offense, but, uh, how?
398
00:17:41,723 --> 00:17:44,658
That section on yachting
put me right over the top.
399
00:17:44,558 --> 00:17:47,627
And my passing
this eighth-grade test
400
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:51,190
has given me the confidenceto be a United States senator.
401
00:17:51,057 --> 00:17:53,091
You know what they say
about congress...
402
00:17:53,032 --> 00:17:56,200
it's just like high school...
But with missiles.
403
00:17:57,811 --> 00:18:01,413
Hey, tom,
having a good day?
404
00:18:01,282 --> 00:18:03,251
I know what you're trying
to do here.
405
00:18:03,195 --> 00:18:05,296
My power has been turned off,
406
00:18:05,233 --> 00:18:07,368
my driver's license
has been suspended,
407
00:18:07,304 --> 00:18:09,738
and they've rerouted
the West Side highway
408
00:18:09,661 --> 00:18:11,862
through my living room.
409
00:18:11,796 --> 00:18:13,663
Don't know what
you're talking about.
410
00:18:13,612 --> 00:18:15,479
I had nothing to do
with any of that...
411
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:17,094
Or with your car
being towed.
412
00:18:17,052 --> 00:18:19,320
My, uh, car
hasn't been towed.
413
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:21,985
Whatever you say, tom.
414
00:18:24,794 --> 00:18:26,929
You know, the problem
isn't tom, Mike.
415
00:18:26,864 --> 00:18:28,932
The problem is you and me.
416
00:18:28,871 --> 00:18:31,339
I just can't accept that
there's nothing I can do.
417
00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:32,761
I don't blame you
418
00:18:32,727 --> 00:18:35,028
for not wanting to give me
another chance,
419
00:18:34,956 --> 00:18:37,958
but I believe if you do,
this time I'll get it right.
420
00:18:39,130 --> 00:18:40,897
I'll put you before work.
421
00:18:40,850 --> 00:18:44,119
I'll be honest.
422
00:18:44,004 --> 00:18:48,741
I'll make sure you feel
as special as I know you are.
423
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,994
You just have to let me.
424
00:18:52,701 --> 00:18:55,437
[SIGHS]
425
00:18:55,345 --> 00:18:58,714
Why couldn't you have
said that a long time ago?
426
00:18:58,594 --> 00:19:00,562
I know that I should have.
427
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:02,474
I, uh...
428
00:19:02,417 --> 00:19:04,785
I'm saying it
now.
429
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:08,180
It's too late now.
430
00:19:08,056 --> 00:19:10,257
Sorry.
431
00:19:43,322 --> 00:19:46,857
Remember, you're the first
straight guy here.
432
00:19:46,731 --> 00:19:49,666
You have to be better
than the rest!
433
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:53,436
You're like a white,
classless Jackie Robinson.
434
00:19:53,294 --> 00:19:54,694
I won't let you down.
435
00:19:54,664 --> 00:19:58,367
Hi.
Hi.
436
00:19:58,232 --> 00:19:59,565
Hi.
437
00:19:59,537 --> 00:20:02,072
Hi. Nice bracelet.
438
00:20:01,991 --> 00:20:04,892
It's hindu. They believe
if you lead a good life
439
00:20:04,794 --> 00:20:07,696
you get rewarded by returning
as a more evolved being.
440
00:20:07,597 --> 00:20:13,903
Really? Your sports bra must've
cured polio in its last life.
441
00:20:13,683 --> 00:20:17,452
That's it,
you're out of here.
442
00:20:17,314 --> 00:20:19,749
It was worth it!
443
00:21:17,351 --> 00:21:19,953
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
444
00:21:19,954 --> 00:21:21,086
(BARKING)
445
00:21:21,136 --> 00:21:25,686
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