All language subtitles for Spin City s02e19 A River Runs Through Me.Eng

Anything I need to know about
this Indian delegation?

First of all, sir,
it's native american.

And everything you need to know
is right here on these cards.

I've often wondered
if Indian children

played cowboys and indians.

I believe they did, sir,

but they call it
"for God's sake,

would you please
stop killing us?"

This is an honor, chief awatha.

Or Phil.

This is mayor Randall Winston.

Pleasure to meet you,
chief... Phil.

You know, I've been
studying a bit of history.

You are descendants
of the punsee tribe.

That's right, mr. Mayor.

You were a hostile people...

Known for your aggression
towards settlers.

Maybe we should get
to the presentation.

On behalf of the punsee nation,

we present this ceremonial bowl
to the city of new York.

This is beautiful.
Did you find it

when you were searching
for some ancient burial site?

Actually, sir, they were breaking
ground for a new casino.

6 levels of nickel slots.

You guys are probably
gonna make enough money

on that deal to buy back Manhattan.

I'm glad you find the theft
of our land so amusing.

the punsees are
a humorless people.

Carter, as always,

I appreciate your initiative.

Programming our computers to
automatically replace the word Black

with the more politically
correct African-american-

that was-that's
just smart thinking.

Something should have
been done long ago.

Yeah. I'm holding
in my hand

one of 1,000 invitations
that went out

for the mayor's press corps
dinner next week.

It's obviously
a formal event, because...

African-american tie

is required.

Oh, no.

I'm wearing a jacket given
to me by nipsy Russell.

Between this and that
native american incident,

you gotta watch what
you say around here.

Seems like I'm the only one
not shooting my mouth off

like some gossipy
hysterical woman.

I'm gonna go over
to chief Phil's,

make sure he wasn't offended.
Anyone wanna come with me?

All right, Carter.
We'll go right after work.

Why didn't you pick me, Mike?

You never pick me for anything.

That's not true.
When I was out of town that week,

who did I have collect my mail?

James, I'm sure the only
reason Mike is taking me

is because I, like the punsees,

am a member of an oppressed minority.

Minority? You're Black
and you're gay.

You cover 2/3rds
of the earth's surface.

You're like water.

All right. Finally,

we had a little
problem last night

with the number 12 train
to Brooklyn.

Mike, number 12 train
doesn't go to Brooklyn.

Yeah, well, tell that to Ralph
shindlebeck out in flatbush.

The front car
is in his living room.

The post says the
conductor was using drugs.

Let's put it this way, James.

When the cops showed up,

he was trying to drag the train

out of the living room
by himself.

Because this conductor
is a city employee,

they're dredging up that thing
that happened last month

with that guy from accounting.

He was on drugs?

Yeah, James. His last
quarterly report said

we were 4 kilos over budget.

As a preemptive strike,
I have decided

that all of the mayor's staff
should take drug tests.

before we get into this,

does anybody have anything that
they would like to confess?

Because believe me,
now is the time.

O.k., I admit it.

I'm on the 'roids.

Is anybody taking any
drugs that are working?

Hi. I'm Abby lassiter,
Paul's mother.

Hiya, ma.

Oh.

I can see the resemblance

in the, uh...

The last name.

I'll get my coat.

Mrs. Lassiter, so lovely to see you.
You are a vision.

Now, Stuart, remember our rule?

1o feet.

I'm all done. Whoever has to go
to the bathroom next,

just fill out the proper forms
with this young Lady right here.

Oh, my. Paul said you ran
an efficient office.

Good to see you,
mrs. Lassiter.

And I suppose congratulations
are in order

on Paul's engagement.

What do you mean?

Yeah, I know. None of us
can believe it either.

Paul, are you engaged?

No! No, I would never make
a life decision like that

without talking to you.

Mike says you are.

Give me a second.

How on earth could you not tell
your mother you're engaged?

Don't let it be that
horrible Claudia woman.

Once again, chief, the mayor
and I would like to apologize

for yesterday's unfortunate
misunderstanding.

We'd like you to come down
to city hall,

and we thought that
we'd all take the bowl

down to the museum of
natural history together.

I don't know,
mr. Flaherty.

You can't just pacify us

with some hollow ceremony.
We feel-

we'll plug the new casino.

Done.

Why don't you stay,

and we'll celebrate
our new agreement?

We'd be honored.

Setting sun, would you pass
the bowl around the circle?

Thanks.

Oh, no, wait!

We don't drink that.

Then you don't know
what you're missing.

This is good. It's tangy,
it's delicious. It's...

Peyote.

That's not good.

I was just passing it around
as a ceremonial bonding.

We only consume that
on our land.

Isn't that illegal?

Not for members
of the punsee nation.

How do I become a member
of that organization?

Don't worry.
You'll be fine...

For about 14 minutes.

Mike, we should get you home.

If you wish, you could

lie down here for a while

and maybe join us
for dinner tomorrow.

I like Indian food.
Not your Indian food-

the kind with the curry.

Hey, how come you guys don't
have any restaurants in town?

You should do that,
because people love...

Corn.

Mike!

I- I-I-I know. Maize.

We're gonna leave.

Yeah. Well, thanks-
thanks again for-

for your hospitality, Phil...

Setting.

I don't believe you're here.

You swallowed half a bowl
of a powerful hallucinogen.

Carter, I was in a situation
where drugs were present.

I got out of there as
quickly as I could,

but not before ingesting
a small amount.

Of course, off the record,

before bed, I'm pretty sure

I brushed my teeth
with peanut butter.

And this morning
on my nightstand

there was a piece of paper
on which I'd written

"once bread becomes toast,

it can never go back
to being bread again. "

There are you. I'm afraid one
of the technicians at the lab

had a breakdown yesterday.

I'm so sorry, but we'll need
to get another urine sample.

Well, great. O.k.

Why don't you wait
for me in the bathroom?

Carter, quick. How long does
it take for a hallucinogen

to get out of your system?

6 to 8 weeks.

Somebody get that nurse
a chair.

I made all that stuff up.

The truth is I ran out on Claudia.

It's my fault.

So you're not a coke mule
for the cali cartel?

Paul, I told you not
to watch cinemax at night.

It gives you ideas.

And she never blew
your life savings on the ponies?

And I'm guessing
she doesn't burn

your grilled cheese
sandwiches every time.

Paulie, I thought
you liked them that way.

Oh, I can't keep up
with the lies.

Just tell me-are you two
really engaged?

Ma?

Yes?

I want you to be strong
when you hear this.

Your little boy's
getting married.

When your father passed away,
you were 18 years old,

and promised myself then that
I would never date another man

until you were married.

Obviously I had no idea
it would take this long.

All right, my specimen is
signed, sealed, and delivered.

This is not good.
They're gonna test it,

they're gonna find the drugs,

and who are they gonna
think gave it to you?

They'll go straight
to the Italian girl.

Relax, o. k.?
Stuart helped me switch the specimen.

How'd you pull that off?

Well, let's just say that
any time anyone wants to ask

James' magic 8-ball
a question,

the answer is gonna be,
"ask again later,

'cause I'm filled
with urine. "

Mike? I broke
the punsee bowl.

It was an unavoidable accident.

How'd you do that, sir?

I was spinning it
on a stick and it fell.

Those things happen.

Those Indian american natives
are not gonna be happy.

Well, the good news is, sir,

you're dangerously close

to being politically correct.

We have to fix
this thing, Mike.

It's my scalp on the line.

Sir, as your head
of minority affairs,

I have to tell you that could be
construed as racially insensitive.

Oh, give me a break, Carter!

I'm under a lot of stress here.

We smoke-um peace pipe
some other time!

Mike, the nurse just called.

Said the test results
would be back in the morning.

Great. Oh, listen.
Hey, I wanna thank whoever it was

who provided me with my sample.

Finally I get recognized
for something.

It was you? It was yours?

I was the only one
who had to go.

Wait... is that-
is that o. k.?

The only thing they're
gonna find is aspirin

and maybe the occasional
antihistamine.

Oh. And you don't think that my birth
control pills will cause a problem, do you?

No, I'm sure my gynecologist
can explain that.

This is serious.

They're gonna think somebody
tampered with the sample.

Mike, you did tamper
with the sample.

Can't you just tell them
that you're taking estrogen?

Why?

What am I, like that-
that-that she-man

up in accounting?

Who?

You know, Sherry...

Big-hands Sherry.

I just had a thought.
Would you share it with me?

Why on earth would Nikki be
taking birth control pills?

Sometimes a girl carries an
umbrella just in case it rains.

Well, I'd sell that umbrella
and stock up on sunscreen,

'cause the forecast calls
for another year of drought.

Stuart, the condom in
your wallet is so old,

it could have been used
by actual trojans.

Is anybody gonna
help me out here?

Anyone at all?

This is exactly what
I'm talking about.

You don't let me help.

You treat me like
I'm a little kid.

O.k., fine. Come with me.

I'm not a kid.

I know you're not a kid, James.

And, James? I'll race you
to the parking lot.

Gets him tired out.

That way he sleeps in the car.

I've got a bull's horn.

I've got a cow's ass.

Join a gym.

It was an accident.

Think the indians are
really gonna be that mad?

No, no, no. They're not
indians, Stuart.

They're native americans.

It's not just about words.

These are the names that-
that define a people.

You-you wanna choose how
you're looked at by the world.

You don't want it thrust
upon you by someone else.

Did you hear the one about
the 2 proud polish-americans

who were the backbone
of the industrial age

despite being oppressed by the
northern european majority?

I love that one.

You're a jackass.

What about respecting
my heritage?

I am. I'm sure you come

from a long line of jackasses.

I hope they don't see
those cracks.

Yeah, or else they might make
it rain inside your office.

sorry, Carter.

Jackass.

This is so cool.

Mike, I feel like James Bond.

I like
my Martinis shaken, not stirred.

Watch your head.

What?

aaggghhh!

So where do you think
these samples are?

They must be
in the refrigerator.

Hey, can I get you a cold one?

We have every kind of domestic,

and if you feel like an import,

there's always hans
from the mail room.

And there I am.
Mike Flaherty.

From this day forward,

I shall no longer be on
the birth control pill.

Hell, I may throw
caution to the wind

and get rid
of my diaphragm too.

Mike, if you dump your sample,
you're gonna have to replace it.

Why do you think I bought you 3
big gulps on the way over here?

I thought we were bonding.

Fill 'er up.

Come on, let's go.

what? It's cold in here.

It's only 28 days
till your wedding.

You got your eye on a special
mother- of-the-groom dress?

You should be looking
for one that says,

"I'm proud of my little boy.
I love my new daughter-in-law,

and gentlemen, I am in play. "

Maybe you could
give me some advice.

How do you attract men
these days?

Oh, come on. You mean to tell me you
didn't shake it when you were young?

Please! The only thing
my mother ever shook

was a handful of dice
on yahtzee night.

It's true. I didn't
really date much

before I met Paul's father.

Growing up, my 2 sisters
got all the boys.

How could that be?

They put out.

Oh, aunt janette
and aunt Leone put out!

Oh, God, this is the worst
day of my life.

You just need to hang out
your "open for business" sign.

You know, loosen up.
Take off your jacket.

O.k.

O.k. That'll do it.

Anything yet?

Mike, I can't go
if you keep pressuring me.

O.k., o. k.

You know, if you don't go,
I could lose my job.

Mike!

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, my mom used
to sing me a song

when she wanted me to pee.

That explains so much.

# Hush, little Jamie,
it won't take long #

# mama's gonna sing you
the pee pee song #

# use your little potty,
it'll be fun #

# you'll get a treat
if you go number one #

so is it working?

Someone else has to sing.

# Hush, little Jamie #

# it won't take long #

# Mikey's gonna sing you #

# the pee pee song #

# use your little potty #

# it'll be fine... #
fun, Mike.

All right, that's it!

o. k., come on.
Let's get out of here.

Are you sure?
'Cause this is helping.

Mr. Mayor, you remember
chief Phil?

Mr. Mayor, thank you
for having us back.

Well, it's an honor
to have you back.

Well... here's your bowl.

you broke it.

Yes, we did.

Most people would have tried to glue
it back together and pass it off.

We did that too.

I can't express how-
how sorry we are.

We know it's an ancient
Indian artifact-

native american, sir.

I'll be honest.
I'm an Indian, and I get tired

of all this political correctness.

Everybody's walking
on eggshells.

Well, chief, you don't have
to worry about that with me.

Well, good, because
I had you pegged

as some kind
of uptight w. a. s. p.

You see, Carter?
Actually, I'm a lutheran.

Well, that's a w. a. s. p.

Well, then. Good call.

Just say it, Mike.
You trusted me, and I let you down.

James, it's not your fault.

Are you kidding me?
We never made the switch,

all 'cause I couldn't deliver
in the clutch.

What about last month
when the mayor announced

that task force
on teenage prostitution?

You came up with a slogan
for us in 5 minutes.

Mike, I borrowed that
from the cereal commercial.

Really? "Tricks
aren't for kids. "

I screwed up, like always.
Stop it.

I'm a failure, and I need
to hear you say that.

What do you wanna hear?

No, you are not always
great under pressure.

You are definitely not
my go-to guy.

I can't believe you said that.

fine, fine, I will talk to him.

Mr. Flaherty?
This is very embarrassing.

We had another problem
with your sample.

Somehow it got lost.

What do you people think,

that I go to the bathroom
every day?

Whenever you're ready.

I can't do this.

There's still gonna be drugs
in my system.

Here you go, Mike. I'm clean.
I filled it up this morning.

For fun.

You know, in second grade

I did that in the little girl's room.

They made me go see a special doctor.

With the incident at the lab,

we're tightening up security.

I also have to make sure
that no one tries

to smuggle a clean sample in.

"Not likely. "

You know, I consider
us friends, jan.

June.

June. And as a friend,

what-what if I were
to swear to you

that I'm not a narcotics user,

but-but there's
a very valid reason

why I couldn't do this
right now?

Good job.

Your Boss asked me to test you.

You passed with flying colors.

You know, I'd invite you in,

but I think my parents
are home.

Mr. Flaherty.

I know, I know.

Yes!

You are my
go-to guy!

Mr. Flaherty, who are
you talking to?

Sorry. Sometimes he needs
a little encouragement.

Oh.

You are the man, little Buddy.

I am so proud of you.

I'll wait outside.

I want you to stand up
and take a bow.

You're grown up.

You found a wonderful woman
to share your life with, and...

It's time for me
to find someone.

Don't you want your mom to
have the same happiness

that you and I have?

You have my blessing.

O.k., David,
come on over.

Paul, I'd like you to meet
my new friend.

Happy to meet you.

It's gonna be a long time
before I can accept anyone, ma.

He's a millionaire, Paul.

Hi, pop.

Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.

moo.

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