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1
00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:21,580
SOMEONE'S GOT
A SPECIAL DAY COMING UP.
2
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:22,582
OH?
3
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:26,085
MM-HMM,
AND I KNOW WHO.
4
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,088
GIVE ME A BREAK,
CRYSTAL.
5
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:31,091
ROSEANNE, IS IT
YOUR BIRTHDAY?
6
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,093
SATURDAY.
7
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,094
CONGRATULATIONS.
8
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:35,295
THANK YOU.
9
00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:36,863
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
ROSEANNE.
10
00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:38,564
HOW OLD ARE YOU
GONNA BE?
11
00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:41,000
WELL, UH...
12
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:41,900
37.
13
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:47,307
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
SPECIAL PLANNED?
14
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:50,343
I DON'T KNOW.
CRYSTAL?
15
00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:52,712
LISTEN--
16
00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:54,280
AS MY PRESENT,
17
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,782
I'M GOING TO GIVE
YOU SATURDAY OFF.
18
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:57,784
NO.
19
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,285
I INSIST.
20
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,786
HERE YOU GO!
21
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,288
OH!
22
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:03,789
WOO!
23
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:04,791
MAKE A WISH.
24
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,292
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
ROSEANNE.
25
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:07,293
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
26
00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:10,362
OK. I WISH THAT, UH,
27
00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:13,366
EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
GIVING ME SATURDAY OFF,
28
00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:16,369
THAT I WOULD STILL
GET PAID FOR IT.
29
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,809
OF COURSE
YOU WILL.
30
00:02:24,277 --> 00:02:26,345
AAH!
WHOO-HOO!
31
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:28,348
WHAT DID YOU WISH,
ROSEANNE?
32
00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:30,850
DON'T TELL, ROSEANNE.
IT'S BAD LUCK.
33
00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:32,852
IT'S BAD LUCK
NOT TO TELL.
34
00:02:32,852 --> 00:02:36,355
MAYBE YOU WON'T GET PAID
FOR THAT DAY OFF.
35
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:43,162
WELL, I WISHED
FOR TIME.
36
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,031
TIME...FOR WHAT?
37
00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:47,099
I USED TO DO
ALL THIS WRITING,
38
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,768
YOU KNOW,
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
39
00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:50,836
ROSEANNE'S
A TERRIFIC WRITER.
40
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:53,406
OH! WHAT DO
YOU WRITE, ROXANNE?
41
00:02:53,406 --> 00:02:54,473
NOTHING NOW,
44
00:02:57,977 --> 00:02:58,978
YEAH? LIKE WHAT?
45
00:02:58,978 --> 00:03:01,480
LIKE THESE POEMS AND STORIES
AND JUNK LIKE THAT.
46
00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:03,483
WHATEVER MY BRAIN
WOULD CHURN OUT.
47
00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:04,984
YOU KNOW,
48
00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:07,786
MY NEPHEW ROGER
DOES CALLIGRAPHY.
49
00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:16,028
DOES THAT HAVE
ANYTHING
50
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,531
TO DO WITH
THIS CONVERSATION?
51
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,533
WELL, HE DOES
WEDDING INVITATIONS
52
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,568
AND MAKES A FORTUNE!
53
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,637
THE ANSWER IS NO.
54
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,341
SO HOW COME YOU
STOPPED WRITING?
55
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:29,842
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS--
56
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:32,344
I WAS WRITING THIS
ONE DAY, YOU KNOW,
57
00:03:32,345 --> 00:03:34,947
AND A GRENADE WENT
OFF IN MY HAND.
58
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,517
OHH. I HATE
WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
59
00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:40,953
HOW COME
YOU DID STOP?
60
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,021
WELL, 'CAUSE,
YOU KNOW,
61
00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:43,522
WITH WORK AND DAN
AND THE KIDS--
62
00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:44,924
I DON'T HAVE
ANY TIME.
63
00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:46,992
CAN'T YOU DO
A LITTLE WRITING
64
00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:48,294
BEFORE YOU COME TO WORK
IN THE MORNING?
65
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:50,863
NO. 'CAUSE ME AND DAN
HAVE TO GO WALKING,
66
00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:52,364
AND THEN I COME HOME
AND I GOT BREAKFAST,
67
00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:54,033
AND I GOT
THE KIDS' LUNCHES...
68
00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:55,601
BEST TIME TO BE CREATIVE
69
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,604
IS RIGHT AFTER YOU GET
OFF WORK, YOU KNOW.
70
00:03:57,604 --> 00:04:01,674
WHILE YOU'RE STILL
FULL OF RAGE.
71
00:04:01,674 --> 00:04:03,242
CAN'T YOU DO
A LITTLE WRITING
72
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,711
BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP?
73
00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:06,779
NO. I LIKE TO DO
SOMETHING ELSE
74
00:04:06,779 --> 00:04:08,847
BEFORE I
GO TO SLEEP.
75
00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:10,416
HOO HOO HOO.
76
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:15,088
SURELY NOT EVERY
NIGHT, ROXANNE.
77
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,155
OH, YEAH.
78
00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:17,656
THAT'S WHAT US
POOR PEOPLE DO.
79
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:19,659
WE DON'T HAVE VCRs.
80
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,163
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
81
00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:34,173
OK. WHO ARE
THESE GUYS?
82
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:36,675
THE SPLITTING
HEADACHES.
83
00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:41,647
WHAT'S THE NAME
OF THIS SONG?
84
00:04:41,648 --> 00:04:43,149
POUNDING.
85
00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,085
SO BASICALLY, WE'RE
LISTENING TO POUNDING
86
00:04:46,085 --> 00:04:48,020
BY THE
SPLITTING HEADACHES?
87
00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:53,926
OHH! OH, MY GOD.
HERE IT IS.
88
00:04:58,431 --> 00:05:00,433
DAN!
89
00:05:01,434 --> 00:05:03,702
DAN!
90
00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:04,770
DAN!
91
00:05:04,771 --> 00:05:07,373
HEY, DAN! COME HERE.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
92
00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:08,440
COMING, MOTHER.
93
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:11,811
OH, MY GOD.
94
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:15,548
YOU FOUND A DUSTY BOOK
IN THE BASEMENT.
95
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:17,616
NO, IT'S NOT JUST
A DUSTY BOOK.
96
00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:19,118
IT'S MY OLD JOURNAL.
97
00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:21,120
I STARTED
WRITING IN IT IN '65.
98
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,122
OH, WOW.
TIME WARP.
99
00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:25,124
LOOKIT.
LOOKIT HERE--
100
00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:27,626
I GOT A WHOLE PAGE
ABOUT GARY PUCKETT
101
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,128
AND THE UNION GAP.
102
00:05:29,128 --> 00:05:31,997
HEY, YOU CAN'T SEE IT.
IT'S PRIVATE.
103
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,066
LISTEN TO THIS--OHH,
HEY, TURN THAT DOWN.
104
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:39,539
HEY, HEY. AIR RAID.
END OF WAR.
105
00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:40,606
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
106
00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,474
I'VE GOT TROOPS COMING
IN FROM THE NORTH.
107
00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:44,043
THAT MAY BE, BUT...
108
00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:49,549
"BY THE YEAR 1983,
WHEN I TURN 30,
109
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:52,051
"I VOW TO ACCOMPLISH
THE FOLLOWING--
110
00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:55,421
"FALL IN LOVE WITH
A WARM, SEXY, LOVING MAN
111
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:57,489
"WHO DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT MONEY...
112
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:02,361
BUT HAS A TON OF IT."
113
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,931
WELL, I WAS ONLY 17.
114
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:07,533
WELL, SO CONTINUE.
115
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:08,600
OK, AND 2--
116
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:10,603
"I WILL LIVE ON A
100-YEAR-OLD FARM
117
00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:12,104
"WITH A PRIVATE SECRETARY,
COOK,
118
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:14,974
AND ALSO
MAYBE A FARMER."
119
00:06:14,974 --> 00:06:17,476
YOU WANTED TO BE
A FARMER?
120
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,545
WELL, I WANTED TO
LIVE ON A FARM
121
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,547
AND OWN A FARM,
AND LOOK AT A FARM,
122
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:24,049
BUT NOT DO ANY
OF THE ACTUAL TOUCHING
123
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,552
OF ANIMALS
OR ANY OF THAT STUFF.
124
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:30,656
AND 3--"I WILL BE
A FAMOUS WRITER."
125
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,257
YOU WANTED TO BE
A WRITER?
126
00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:34,326
YEAH.
127
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,796
YEAH, I DID.
128
00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:38,864
HEY. HEY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
129
00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:39,866
NOTHING.
130
00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:40,867
COME ON, ROSEANNE.
131
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:41,868
2 MINUTES AGO,
132
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:44,003
YOU WERE CLEANING OUT
THE BASEMENT,
133
00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:45,070
HAVING THE TIME
OF YOUR LIFE.
134
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,572
NOW YOU'RE
ALL BUMMED OUT.
135
00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,574
I USED TO WRITE, DAN.
136
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,075
I USED TO WRITE
EVERY DAY.
137
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,577
YEAH. I REMEMBER.
138
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,078
I MEAN,
THIS BOOK IS ME.
139
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,080
MY SOUL'S IN THERE.
140
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,581
I USED TO WRITE DOWN
141
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,583
EVERYTHING I WAS
EVER THINKING ABOUT.
142
00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:59,751
SO NOW YOU FOUND IT,
YOU CAN WRITE IN IT SOME MORE.
143
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:00,819
WHEN? I MEAN,
144
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,622
I GOT A JOB,
3 KIDS, AND YOU.
145
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:10,162
WE'RE NOT GOING TO
LIVE FOREVER.
146
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,731
I DON'T KNOW.
WRITING WAS JUST SOMETHING
147
00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:13,232
THAT REALLY
GAVE ME A LOT OF PLEASURE,
148
00:07:13,232 --> 00:07:15,234
THEN I JUST GAVE IT UP.
149
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:18,737
WELL, YOU GIVE ALL YOUR TIME
TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR JOB.
150
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:20,272
YOU GOT A LIFE.
151
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,641
I GOT LAZY.
YOU GOT LAZY.
152
00:07:21,641 --> 00:07:22,642
NO, I DIDN'T
GET LAZY.
153
00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:23,876
DID NOT GET LAZY.
154
00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:24,743
OK. I DID GET LAZY.
155
00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:26,879
OK, BUT DON'T
PATRONIZE ME.
156
00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:27,946
I AM PATRONIZING YOU,
157
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,448
'CAUSE EVERY TIME
YOU CLEAN OUT A CLOSET,
158
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,983
I PAY THE PRICE.
159
00:07:30,983 --> 00:07:32,317
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
160
00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:34,386
THIS CLEANING JAG
YOU'RE ON.
161
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:37,089
I GOT AN EVEN NUMBER
OF SOCKS IN MY SOCK DRAWER,
162
00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:40,092
ALL FOLDED THE SAME WAY
IN LITTLE STACKS
163
00:07:40,092 --> 00:07:42,494
ARRANGED BY HUE.
164
00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:47,600
SO SUE ME FOR TRYING TO PUT
ORDER INTO YOUR DRAWERS.
165
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,768
THIS IS A BIRTHDAY
THING, ISN'T IT?
166
00:07:49,769 --> 00:07:50,836
NO, THIS ISN'T
A BIRTHDAY THING.
167
00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:52,839
ROSEANNE.
DAN.
168
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,841
SO HOW OLD ARE YOU
GONNA BE THIS YEAR, MOM?
169
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:55,842
40.
170
00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:57,844
HEH. WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
171
00:07:57,844 --> 00:07:59,345
YOU'RE NOT TURNING 40.
172
00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:02,848
MAYBE NOT THIS YEAR,
BUT IN A FEW YEARS.
173
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,185
40 YEARS OLD?
174
00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:08,253
WOW!
175
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:11,257
SO, LIKE, YOU WERE ALIVE
IN THE FIFTIES?
176
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:15,828
THAT'S 5 TIMES
OLDER THAN D.J.
177
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:18,897
I COULD'VE LIVED
MY LIFE 3 TIMES
178
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:22,034
AND NOT BE AS OLD
AS YOU.
179
00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:24,102
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
GET STARTED
180
00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:26,605
ON YOUR SECOND LIFE
RIGHT NOW?
181
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:34,112
HEY, IF YOU'RE MAKING
OUT A SHOPPING LIST,
182
00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:35,614
I NEED SOME RAZORS--
183
00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:38,117
THE KIND WITH
THE COMFORT STRIP.
184
00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:40,619
IT'S NOT A GROCERY LIST,
DAN, I'M TRYING TO WRITE.
185
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:42,622
OH, YEAH?
YEAH?
186
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:45,625
THAT'S GREAT.
187
00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:48,628
WHAT TIME DID YOU
GET UP THIS MORNING?
188
00:08:52,164 --> 00:08:54,166
"IT'S 5:30 A.M.
189
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,168
"THE HOUSE IS
STILL AND QUIET
190
00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:58,170
"EXCEPT FOR AN
INTERMITTENT RUMBLE
191
00:08:58,170 --> 00:08:59,171
"FROM THE BEDROOM,
192
00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:02,674
THE SNORE
OF MY LIFE-MATE."
193
00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:04,643
I DON'T SNORE.
194
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,614
NO, DAN.
THIS IS FICTION.
195
00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:11,016
WELL, I'M REALLY PROUD
OF YOU, BABE.
196
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:12,318
YOU'RE REALLY DOING IT.
197
00:09:12,318 --> 00:09:13,319
MUTE, MUTE, MUTE.
198
00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:27,800
SORRY.
199
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:31,303
THAT'S OK. I'LL JUST
GO IN THE LIVING ROOM.
200
00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:41,948
NO, D.J.,
GO EAT BREAKFAST
201
00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:43,449
BEFORE YOU START
WATCHING TV.
202
00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:44,950
I WANT TO EAT IN HERE.
203
00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:47,320
HEY, DEEJ, YOUR MOM'S
TRYING TO WRITE.
204
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,322
GO GET YOUR CEREAL
AND WE'LL EAT IT IN HERE.
205
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,324
HONEY, YOU CAN HAVE
THE KITCHEN BACK.
206
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,325
OH, GREAT.
207
00:09:57,630 --> 00:09:58,697
MORNING, DAD.
208
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:00,199
HEY, BECK, BE REAL QUIET
GOING IN THE KITCHEN.
209
00:10:00,199 --> 00:10:01,133
YOUR MOM'S
TRYING TO WRITE.
210
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:02,200
OK.
211
00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:06,705
GOOD MORNING,
EVERYONE!
212
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:07,707
SHH!
213
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:09,709
MOM'S TRYING
TO WRITE.
214
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:10,710
WRITE WHAT?
215
00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:12,211
DARLENE.
DARLENE...
216
00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:17,216
Have you seen
my history book?
217
00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:18,717
Did you check
on the washer?
218
00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:19,719
Of course I checked
on the washer.
219
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:21,220
How about
under the sofa?
220
00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:23,222
Yes, I checked
under the sofa.
221
00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:24,223
Did you look
upstairs?
222
00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:25,224
Yes!
223
00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:28,227
How come you're always
losing your stuff?
224
00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,728
WELL, ANSWER HER.
225
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:38,737
WELL, THIS
BETTER BE GOOD.
226
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:40,239
I'M SURE EXCITED.
227
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:42,741
I HAVE HERE
ONE SILK SCARF
228
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:44,744
MADE OF GENUINE DACRON.
229
00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:48,747
YOU GUYS KNOW HOW
I HATE SURPRISES,
230
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,750
ESPECIALLY WHEN
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
231
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,518
YOU'RE GOING TO
LIKE THIS ONE.
232
00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:54,152
1, 2, 3, 4...
233
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:55,721
♪ DA DA DA DA DA ♪
234
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:57,723
♪ YOU SAY
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY ♪
235
00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,024
♪ DA DA DA DA DA ♪
236
00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:00,593
♪ IT'S MY BIRTHDAY,
TOO, YEAH ♪
237
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:04,096
OH! YOU GOT THE BEATLES
TO COME OVER!
238
00:11:04,096 --> 00:11:06,331
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪
239
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,399
STEP.
240
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,901
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪
241
00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:10,402
STEP RIGHT THERE.
STEP.
242
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:11,404
AAH!
243
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,906
STEP. STEP.
OK. NO STEP.
244
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:15,407
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪
245
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:16,409
ALL RIGHT.
246
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:17,410
AAH.
247
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,912
All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!
248
00:11:19,912 --> 00:11:22,414
AH. MY OWN DOOR!
249
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,916
OPEN IT.
250
00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:25,617
OK.
251
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,189
OH. MY OWN DUNGEON.
252
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,192
IT'S AN OFFICE.
253
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,693
SO YOU
CAN WRITE.
254
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:35,695
OH. MY OWN OFFICE!
255
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,696
YOU LIKE IT?
256
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,397
IT'S MY OWN OFFICE!
257
00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:40,565
THIS IS SO YOU DON'T
BOTHER US WHEN YOU WRITE.
258
00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:42,134
OH, IT'S JUST GREAT.
259
00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:43,568
IT'S FANTASTIC!
260
00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:45,637
YEAH, I PUT ALL THESE
SHELVES IN HERE FOR,
261
00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:47,439
UH, YOUR, UH, YOU KNOW,
THE STUFF YOU WRITE.
262
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,809
MANUSCRIPTS.
MANUSCRIPTS.
263
00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:52,812
HOW DID YOU DO THIS
WITHOUT ME KNOWING?
264
00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:53,979
HEE HEE HEE HIC!
265
00:11:53,979 --> 00:11:55,547
WELL, THANK YOU!
266
00:11:56,982 --> 00:11:58,483
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM.
267
00:11:58,484 --> 00:11:59,985
HERE. PENCILS.
268
00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:01,987
OHH.
269
00:12:01,987 --> 00:12:03,488
YEAH, AND I GOT YOU
SOME NOTEPADS.
270
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,858
I GOT A DICTIONARY
AND A THESAURUS.
271
00:12:05,858 --> 00:12:08,427
AH, GEE, THIS IS LIKE
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY
272
00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:11,229
OR SOMETHING.
273
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:12,297
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE,
274
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,799
I'M TAKING THE KIDS
TO THE MALL
275
00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:15,300
FOR LUNCH AND A MOVIE,
276
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:17,836
AND YOU GOT THE AFTERNOON
TO YOURSELF TO WRITE.
277
00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:18,904
WHAT,
YOU'RE ALL LEAVING?
278
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:20,405
GONE.
WE'LL MISS YOU.
279
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,908
I'LL MISS YOU, TOO.
NOW SCRAM.
280
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:25,911
YOU KNOW, STEPHEN KING
STARTED THIS WAY.
281
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,423
OHH.
282
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,926
♪ I'M 37 ♪
283
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:42,928
♪ I'M NOT REALLY 40 ♪
284
00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:45,430
♪ NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH ♪
285
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,499
♪ NAH NAH NAH NAH ♪
286
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,003
♪ AND I'M SPENDING
THE AFTERNOON ALL ALONE ♪
287
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:54,006
♪ IN MY BASEMENT ♪
288
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:44,789
Jackie: ROSEANNE,
YOU OUT HERE?
289
00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:48,860
HEY, COME TO THE WINDOW!
I'M IN THE BASEMENT.
290
00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:51,363
HI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DOWN THERE?
291
00:13:51,363 --> 00:13:52,864
HEY, YOU KNOW,
TODAY'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
292
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:53,866
YOU'RE 37.
293
00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:54,867
I KNOW.
294
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,368
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
295
00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:58,370
HEY, LOOKIT. DAN
MADE ME AN OFFICE
296
00:13:58,370 --> 00:14:00,372
SO'S I CAN WRITE.
297
00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:01,873
YEAH, LOOKS GREAT.
298
00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:03,876
MAYBE I SHOULD
BRING YOU A CAKE
299
00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:05,477
WITH A FILE IN IT.
300
00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:08,046
NO, IT'S GREAT.
LOOK, I GOT A DESK
301
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:09,548
AND SHELVES
AND EVERYTHING.
302
00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:11,550
AND ON TOP OF THAT,
303
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,051
HE UPS AND TAKES
THE KIDS TO THE MALL
304
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:15,354
SO'S, YOU KNOW,
I CAN CONCENTRATE.
305
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:16,421
HOW'S IT GOING?
306
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,289
YOU GETTING
ANYTHING DONE?
307
00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:18,857
NO. I'M GOING NUTS.
308
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,527
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BREAK
YOUR CONCENTRATION.
309
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,028
I JUST CAME BY TO
WISH YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
310
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,529
SO I'LL STOP BY LATER,
311
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,532
AND I CAN GIVE YOU
MY PRESENT.
312
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:29,034
WELL, WHY CAN'T
I OPEN IT NOW?
313
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,036
I HAVEN'T
BOUGHT IT YET.
314
00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:35,040
OH, WELL.
315
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,041
I'M COMING UP.
316
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:44,049
ARE YOU IN NEED
OF SOME STROKING?
317
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,051
NO. I'M JUST
IN NEED OF,
318
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:47,052
YOU KNOW,
319
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:49,054
SOMETHING
TO WRITE ABOUT.
320
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:52,057
I MEAN, I GOT
A DOZEN SHARPENED
321
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:54,059
DIXON-TICONDEROGA
NUMBER 2s,
322
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,560
AND NO IDEAS.
323
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:58,063
WELL, WHAT DID YOU
USED TO WRITE ABOUT?
324
00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,564
MY LIFE AND STUFF,
325
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,067
BUT I THINK IT WAS JUST
MORE INTERESTING THEN.
326
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,568
NO. CUT IT OUT.
327
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:04,570
I DON'T KNOW.
328
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,572
I--I THINK I SHOULDN'T
START BIG, MAYBE.
329
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,807
SHOULDN'T START SO BIG,
LIKE, BY WRITING.
330
00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:11,876
I SHOULD START MAYBE SMALLER
BY PLAGIARIZING.
331
00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:14,112
YOU KNOW, ROSEANNE,
332
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:15,614
I'VE LEARNED A LOT
ABOUT WRITING...
333
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:17,115
FROM THE POLICE REPORTS.
334
00:15:17,116 --> 00:15:20,886
THEY'VE GOT TO BE
CONVINCING.
335
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:23,889
THEY'VE GOT TO BE
ACCURATE.
336
00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:27,893
THEY'VE GOT TO BE
AT LEAST 2 PAGES LONG
337
00:15:27,893 --> 00:15:29,895
OR ELSE JUDGE SAMUELS
338
00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:32,297
ISN'T GOING TO
TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY.
339
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,168
SO, WHAT I FOUND IS,
340
00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:40,172
THE BEST WAY TO START OUT
IS BY THE FACTS.
341
00:15:40,172 --> 00:15:42,140
WHAT FACTS?
342
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:43,709
FACTS--EV--
343
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:46,945
W-W-WHAT ARE THE FACTS
IN GONE WITH THE WIND?
344
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,515
WELL, HEH, I THINK
WE'RE TALKING
345
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:52,918
ABOUT LITERATURE HERE
AND NOT THE MOVIES.
346
00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:54,419
IT WAS A BOOK.
347
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:02,861
GONE WITH THE WIND
WAS A BOOK?
348
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:03,862
YEAH.
349
00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:07,966
SO YOU LOOK AT THE FACTS.
WHAT ARE THE FACTS?
350
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,468
YOU GOT THE NORTH,
THE SOUTH,
351
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,970
THE TROOPS, THE HORSES,
A STAIRCASE,
352
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,973
BIRTHIN' BABIES,
AND A BIG FIRE.
353
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,477
YOU'RE KIDDING ME,
IT WAS A BOOK?
354
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:22,447
SEE, EVERYTHING'S GOT FACTS
AND EVENTS AND PEOPLE...
355
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:23,949
IN THE EVENTS.
356
00:16:23,949 --> 00:16:26,952
SO YOU TAKE THE PEOPLE
IN THE EVENTS
357
00:16:26,952 --> 00:16:29,454
AND THEN YOU PUT THEM
IN THE ORDER
358
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:31,957
THAT THE...
FACTS HAPPEN,
359
00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:33,258
AND THEN YOU'RE DONE.
360
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:36,595
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED
361
00:16:36,595 --> 00:16:40,098
IF GONE WITH THE WIND
WASN'T A BOOK.
362
00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:46,605
SO HOW'D YOU LIKE
YOUR DINNER, MOM?
363
00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,106
OH, IT WAS REALLY GREAT.
364
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:49,608
AND I'LL LIKE IT
EVEN MORE
365
00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:51,109
WHEN IT'S ALL
CLEANED UP.
366
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:53,612
COME ON, DARLENE,
YOU GOT TO HELP.
367
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:55,113
WHY DO I
HAVE TO HELP?
368
00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:56,615
DARLENE,
GET TO WORK.
369
00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:58,917
SO WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE
WHAT YOU WROTE TODAY?
370
00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:02,487
UH, SOON AS THE MOVIE
COMES OUT.
371
00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:05,557
NO, WE WANT
TO READ IT.
372
00:17:05,557 --> 00:17:08,826
WELL, YOU CAN'T READ IT
A PIECE AT A TIME.
373
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:11,362
YOU GOT TO WAIT TILL
THE WHOLE BOOK IS FINISHED.
374
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:13,431
Dan: YOU WRITING THE
GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL?
375
00:17:13,432 --> 00:17:15,934
WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM...
376
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:18,503
AND WITH THAT
NEW OFFICE...
377
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:19,605
YOU LIKE THAT OFFICE?
378
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,473
THAT IS A PERFECT OFFICE.
379
00:17:21,473 --> 00:17:23,541
SO EVERYTHING'S
WORKING OUT OK, HUH?
380
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:26,545
YOU GOT THE TIME,
YOU GOT THE PLACE--
381
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:29,047
NOT A BAD BIRTHDAY
PRESENT, HUH?
382
00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:32,284
GOOD HUBBY.
GOOD HUBBY!
383
00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:34,552
ARF!
384
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,588
I'LL TELL YOU, THAT IS
SUCH A GREAT OFFICE,
385
00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:37,622
SOMETIMES
I CAN'T TELL YOU
386
00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:39,124
HOW MANY TIMES
I'M SITTING DOWN THERE
387
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,626
AND JUST LOOKING
AT THOSE WALLS
388
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,695
IN WONDERMENT.
389
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:45,363
AS LONG AS YOU'RE
GETTING TO WRITE.
390
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:47,432
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER
DOWN THERE TODAY.
391
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:49,368
THE PAGES WERE
JUST POURING OUT.
392
00:17:53,105 --> 00:17:54,940
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
TITLE YOUR BOOK?
393
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:59,010
101 THINGS TO DOWITH KIDS' HEADS.
394
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:02,581
YOU KNOW,
WRITING ISN'T EASY.
395
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,517
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
ESPECIALLY THEM Hs.
396
00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:08,319
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP USING
YOUR HEAD AS AN ERASER.
397
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,889
MAYBE START USING
DARLENE'S HEAD AS AN ERASER.
398
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,159
SO WEAK.
399
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:15,160
VERY WEAK.
400
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,161
YEAH.
401
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:19,164
DAVID,
YOU GOT TO HELP.
402
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,165
MAKE ME.
403
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,533
HELP!
404
00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:23,301
SO...
405
00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:26,438
WHEN DO I GET TO READ
THIS MASTERPIECE?
406
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:30,008
SOON AS I
WRITE SOMETHING.
407
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:31,509
I THOUGHT SO.
408
00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,011
YEAH,
BUT YOU SHOULD SEE
409
00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:35,213
WHAT I DONE TO THEM
SHELVES DOWN THERE.
410
00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:36,215
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
BABE?
411
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:37,216
YOU DIDN'T WRITE
ANYTHING?
412
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,117
IT'S NOT THE OFFICE,
IS IT?
413
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,185
OH, NO, HONEY, NO,
414
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,187
IT ISN'T THE OFFICE,
IT'S ME.
415
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:44,189
I GET SOME GOOD IDEA,
416
00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:45,690
BUT AS SOON AS
I WRITE IT DOWN,
417
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,192
IT TURNS OUT STUPID.
418
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:50,461
ROSEANNE, DON'T START
GETTING DOWN ON YOURSELF.
419
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,030
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
PITCHERS DON'T GO DOWN
420
00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:54,032
TO FLORIDA IN FEBRUARY
AND START THROWING HEAT.
421
00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:55,533
[KIDS FIGHTING]
HEY, CAN IT!
422
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:57,335
Darlene: SORRY.
423
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:58,904
WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK
I HAVE IT ANYMORE.
424
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:00,405
YOU KNOW,
I'M SITTING THERE,
425
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:01,406
I'M TRYING TO THINK
OF SOMETHING,
426
00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:02,907
I'M TRYING TO GET AN IDEA,
427
00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:03,909
THE ONLY THING THAT
COMES INTO MY HEAD IS
428
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,911
THAT I GOT TO TAKE
EITHER D.J. OR DARLENE
429
00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:07,412
TO THE DENTIST
OR SOMETHING.
430
00:19:07,412 --> 00:19:09,414
Darlene: GET OFF OF ME
BEFORE I KICK YOUR HEAD IN!
431
00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:12,417
I JUST DON'T THINK I HAVE
ANY ROOM FOR CREATING.
432
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:15,420
ALL MY COMPARTMENTS
ARE TOO FULL UP.
433
00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:17,488
I'M 37 YEARS OLD
AND I'M A MOM.
434
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,457
THAT'S WHAT I AM.
435
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:21,526
HEY, DARLENE, GET OFF
YOUR BROTHER.
436
00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:24,029
COME ON, D.J.,
WE'RE GOING UP TO BED.
437
00:19:24,029 --> 00:19:25,530
OK. READ TO ME.
438
00:19:25,531 --> 00:19:28,534
YEAH, JUST DON'T ASK ME
TO WRITE TO YOU.
439
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,043
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY,
WHAT WILL IT BE?
440
00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:42,047
THE ADVENTURESOF P.J. PAMMEWACK.
441
00:19:42,047 --> 00:19:43,548
OH. OK.
442
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:47,553
WELL, MOVE YOUR BUTT OVER.
YOU'RE HOGGING THE BED.
443
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:48,554
OK.
444
00:19:48,554 --> 00:19:51,056
OHH, WELL...
445
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:55,060
ONCE THERE WAS A LITTLE KID
NAMED P.J. PAMMEWACK.
446
00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:58,663
AND HIS INITIALS WERE CLOSE
TO THIS ONE KID I KNOW.
447
00:19:58,664 --> 00:19:59,798
ME.
RIGHT.
448
00:19:59,798 --> 00:20:01,800
AND HE WAS ALSO
IN THE THIRD GRADE,
449
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,201
LIKE THIS OTHER KID
I KNOW.
450
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,269
ME.
451
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:05,603
YEAH.
452
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:10,175
AND ONE DAY, IT SEEMS P.J.
WAS IN HIS FORT
453
00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:12,677
WHICH WAS IN
WHATEVER WAS LEFT
454
00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:14,680
OF THE AMAZON RAIN FOREST.
455
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,181
AND IT WAS 8:00
IN THE MORNING,
456
00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:18,683
SO HE'D ALREADY FIRED
THE MORNING CANNON,
457
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:20,686
YOU KNOW, TO SCARE OFF
ANY INTRUDERS
458
00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:22,187
THAT MIGHT BE
COMING IN THERE
459
00:20:22,187 --> 00:20:25,190
TRYING TO STEAL HIS
COLLECTION OF WAR TOYS.
460
00:20:26,191 --> 00:20:27,692
INTRUDERS?
461
00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:29,695
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
THE BAD GUYS
462
00:20:29,695 --> 00:20:30,696
LIKE--LIKE BEK DAR,
463
00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:34,800
THE 2-HEADED EVIL
SISTER MONSTER.
464
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,868
OH, NO!
465
00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:37,869
OH, YES!
466
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,871
AND THE CANNON
WAS FIRED.
467
00:20:39,871 --> 00:20:41,372
BOOM!
468
00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:44,876
AND FROM OUT OF THE JUNGLE
CAME A TERRIBLE NOISE.
469
00:20:44,876 --> 00:20:46,377
FIRST THERE WAS A...
470
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:47,379
RUMBLE.
471
00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:48,380
AND A...
472
00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:49,881
GRUMBLE.
473
00:20:49,881 --> 00:20:51,382
AND A...
474
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:52,884
HMM.
I DON'T KNOW.
475
00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:55,887
A HIGH-PITCHED
SCREAM.
476
00:20:55,887 --> 00:20:58,389
SCREE-REE-REE!
477
00:20:59,891 --> 00:21:04,896
THE SCREAM OF A HUGE,
GREAT BIG BIRD.
478
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:06,898
MOM, HOW COME
P.J. PAMMEWACK
479
00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:08,900
ISN'T IN THE LIBRARY?
480
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,902
BECAUSE
IT'S NOT A BOOK.
481
00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:12,904
IT'S JUST SOME
STORIES I MAKE UP.
482
00:21:12,904 --> 00:21:15,806
WELL, IT
SHOULD BE A BOOK.
483
00:21:15,807 --> 00:21:18,309
YOU THINK SO?
484
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:19,311
YEAH.
485
00:21:21,813 --> 00:21:24,315
DID I EVER TELL YOU
486
00:21:24,316 --> 00:21:26,818
THAT YOU ARE
MY FAVORITE SON?
487
00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:30,756
STORY!
488
00:21:30,756 --> 00:21:32,023
RIGHT.
489
00:21:32,024 --> 00:21:34,960
SO THIS HUGE BIRD
SWOOPS OUT OF THE JUNGLE...
490
00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:40,231
Dan: ROSEANNE?
491
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:52,477
ROSIE?
492
00:22:13,865 --> 00:22:15,366
ROSEANNE?
493
00:22:16,802 --> 00:22:18,370
ROSEANNE?
494
00:22:19,371 --> 00:22:21,373
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING UP HERE?
495
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:22,874
IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.
496
00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:34,853
WH-WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE OFFICE?
497
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:37,789
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--
32909
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