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1
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-[TV playing indistinctly]
-[groaning]
2
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:14,847
[Bert] He's burning up.
Blueberry, more ice chips!
3
00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:18,185
And turn the TV off. Scott hates golf.
4
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:21,729
Aw, thank you, guys.
5
00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:27,027
[Bert] ♪ Little boy Scotty
Sick in his bed ♪
6
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:33,283
♪ He's got a fever deep in his head ♪
7
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,037
How ya feelin', apple peelin'?
8
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,164
[Bert] Maria, we just got him down!
9
00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:41,124
[Scott] Oh, guys, it's... it's okay.
10
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,709
I guess you could say I feel really...
11
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:45,002
[coughing] I feel sick to the core.
12
00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:47,172
Well, I have the souplution!
13
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:51,176
Campbell's Chunky Clam Chowder!
Right there.
14
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,724
-That's it?
-Yeah, soup. That's what you wanted.
15
00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:01,561
[gasps] Oh, my God. Yes, and...
16
00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:03,646
-there is a fork.
-[chuckling]
17
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,815
You can eat it with a fork
because it's so thick.
18
00:01:05,898 --> 00:01:07,859
[Bert] Jesus Christ, what is she doing?
19
00:01:07,942 --> 00:01:09,194
Thank you.
20
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:10,862
Oh, and while you're nomming away on that,
21
00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,864
I was thinking maybe you could answer
some of the things
22
00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:14,282
in our love lab workbook?
23
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:17,285
[Bert] Maria, stop it!
Visiting hours are over.
24
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:19,204
-Sorry.
-[grunts] Thank you, honey.
25
00:01:19,287 --> 00:01:20,830
Feel better, sweet cheeks.
26
00:01:20,913 --> 00:01:22,874
-That's really sweet.
-[door closes]
27
00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:27,337
[Bert] ♪ Little boy sleeping
Trying to rest ♪
28
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:33,176
[Bert and Blueberry] ♪ He's got congestion
Deep in his chest ♪
29
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,887
[theme music playing]
30
00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:55,240
And that is when I knew that Loni Anderson
would be forever in my life.
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00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,200
Ah.
32
00:01:57,950 --> 00:01:59,494
And, pause.
33
00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:01,204
-[recorder button clicks]
-Bruce, how's it going?
34
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,081
I'm producing an audio book version
of my smash hit memoir,
35
00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:06,042
Here and Ben-Bacharach Again,
36
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,461
previously available only
as a Microsoft Word document.
37
00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,922
I'd like you to voice
the part of Loni Anderson
38
00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:13,550
in chapter four, "The Loni Years."
39
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:15,927
[gasps] Bruce, I would love to help.
40
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:22,142
I had no idea how fulfilling it was
to take care of other people.
41
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,060
You know how they always say
people who work in health care
42
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,312
and retirement homes are--
43
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,479
Are always skimming?
44
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:29,899
No, that they're happy
'cause they spend their lives--
45
00:02:29,982 --> 00:02:31,693
Ejaculating for cash?
46
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:36,239
No, Bruce. Taking care of other people.
47
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,658
Like I've been taking care of Scott.
48
00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:41,369
'Cause he has the flu,
and I brought him some soup.
49
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,746
Ah! Wonderful! "The Jewish penicillin."
50
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,540
Uh, Nate 'n Al's? Canter's?
51
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:48,626
Uh, no,
it's Campbell's Chunky Clam Chowder.
52
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:52,171
Ooh, that is, uh, unorthodox.
Stove top or microwave?
53
00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:53,548
No, I just handed him the can.
54
00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:56,426
-Oh, dear Lord.
-What?
55
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:58,886
Maria, I was once the soup concierge
56
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:02,432
in a very popular young boys'
juvenile detention center in Norwalk.
57
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,895
You must understand, the type of soup
58
00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:10,064
is absolutely crucial
to whatever ails you.
59
00:03:10,147 --> 00:03:12,359
Go ahead. Name any human problem.
60
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,193
Uh, you're late on the rent.
61
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,612
Next one. Pass.
62
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:18,072
-Syphilitic psychosis?
-Italian wedding soup.
63
00:03:18,155 --> 00:03:20,283
-Next?
-Overmedication of adolescence.
64
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,368
Navy bean.
65
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:24,912
And for a touch of a flu,
you need piping hot chicken soup.
66
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:26,498
Now, let's see what we have here.
67
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:29,459
Ye olde English bean,
split pea with ham bits...
68
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:31,711
Ah! Here we are.
Japanese Jewish chicken noodle.
69
00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:35,006
Oh, Bruce, you keep soup
in your file cabinet?
70
00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:37,091
It's actually a novelty refrigerator.
71
00:03:37,174 --> 00:03:38,968
Personal gift of Ben Vereen.
72
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:41,804
Oh, it's delicious!
73
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:42,847
[chuckles]
74
00:03:42,930 --> 00:03:44,599
If you ever stop being a manager,
75
00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:46,601
you could definitely
get into the soup business.
76
00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:49,061
-What do you mean by that?
-Just that the soup is good.
77
00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:51,898
No, no, I heard the words,
but your intention was sort of weighted.
78
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:53,024
Are you gonna fire me?
79
00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:55,943
'Cause if so, tell me now, so I can make
the appropriate soup for myself.
80
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,195
Bruce, I am not firing you.
81
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,823
But can I take this to Scott
before his fever breaks?
82
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,200
Of course, of course.
Go, my angel. It's fine.
83
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,583
Aloha, sleepy!
84
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,253
Oh, sorry, you have company.
I'll come back.
85
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:16,756
-Maria! [coughing]
-Oh, yes. Oh, hi! Hi!
86
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:18,966
Oh, my God, Jessica,
I didn't recognize you there.
87
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,511
-How you're sitting on the bed and--
-Jessica just brought me soup.
88
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,264
Bringing soup and I was...
I was out getting some soup, but, uh--
89
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,723
Just brought him his favorite.
90
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,600
Wor Wonton from Green Dragon.
91
00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,644
-Oh, Green Dragon.
-Green Dragon!
92
00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,979
[Scott] It's what we always used to eat
when we got sick,
93
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,565
back when we were roommates
94
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,567
and became best friends
at Exposition University.
95
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,151
-Go Pipes!
-Go Pipes!
96
00:04:37,234 --> 00:04:40,613
[chuckling] Okay. Well, I'll just...
I'll just top you off then.
97
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,325
-Yeah, yeah.
-Oh, what? Yeah, you know, I just...
98
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,285
-Ooh!
-Oh, I'm so full.
99
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:46,786
Oh, no, you... It's fine, it's fine.
100
00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:49,956
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, no. No more. Thank you.
101
00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:51,874
-Let's put it in the fridge and I'll...
-Okay, okay.
102
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,000
-Thank you.
-Okay.
103
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:55,169
-I'll just eat it later, you know.
-[Maria] No... Yeah.
104
00:04:55,252 --> 00:04:57,046
-[Scott] It looks really good. Thank you.
-Thank you.
105
00:04:57,129 --> 00:04:59,841
All right. I better get going.
Okay? Scott needs his rest.
106
00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:02,760
Oh, yeah, you know what?
I'm completely wiped.
107
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,679
-Thank you so much, Jessica.
-Mmm-hmm.
108
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:08,015
[stammering] Yeah, I'll take care of him,
'cause that's what I do.
109
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:11,268
I'm a natural nurtureman...
Natch-nurtch, nurtch-natch.
110
00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:13,605
-[soothing]
-Yeah, uh, you know what?
111
00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:15,773
I just hope I can rally
for the premiere tomorrow.
112
00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,650
Hey, don't you dare
worry about that, okay?
113
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,819
The most important thing
is that you feel better and get well.
114
00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:23,239
That is the most important thing
and that's exactly what I was gonna say,
115
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,950
except I was thinking of all the important
things I need to do for you!
116
00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:27,410
So, you know what? I know you got this.
117
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,037
-You take care of our guy here, okay?
-Thank you. I will, I will.
118
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,623
Go Pipes! All of that.
119
00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,957
-[Scott] Yeah.
-Get some sleep, okay?
120
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,125
-[Scott] Yeah. Thank you.
-See you guys!
121
00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:38,463
Oh, Jessica, she is just...
She is so great and so...
122
00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:41,215
-Jessica's the best.
-...pleasant and beautiful.
123
00:05:41,298 --> 00:05:43,676
Yeah. I have a fun idea.
124
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,513
-What's that?
-You could fill this out.
125
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:51,643
It's a grid where you can put in
all your specific hard data
126
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:54,812
of exactly, you know, your personal needs.
127
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,564
So let's say your emotional--
128
00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:57,982
[Bert] Maria, enough!
129
00:05:58,065 --> 00:05:59,150
Okay, I'll just put this here
130
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:00,693
just in case if you think
of anything, like,
131
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:03,738
"Oh, my God, I remember
what my favorite breakfast is."
132
00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:07,575
What is it? I don't know yet,
'cause you haven't told me.
133
00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:10,327
I haven't learned that,
and I wanna learn those things about you.
134
00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:13,039
-Every little nugget I can.
-Maria, the lights.
135
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:17,419
You don't like the light.
You like darkness. I did not know that.
136
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:18,670
-[Scott sighs]
-[door closes]
137
00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:22,840
-[Blueberry] Another notebook!
-[Bert] What a shit show.
138
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,843
[Maria] They say we all learn
to nurture from our mothers.
139
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,888
In my case, my mom was distracted
with problems of her own.
140
00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:30,973
-[bleating]
-I love you so much.
141
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,642
I do, I do, I do.
142
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:34,143
I can't believe I get to introduce
143
00:06:34,226 --> 00:06:38,397
the king and queen of Norway
to all of Duluth.
144
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:41,108
Honey, just sit there quietly
with Tink and work on your speech.
145
00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,360
-Okay.
-[Candy] Knock-knock!
146
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:44,821
Candy Coombs, coming in.
147
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,448
-[Marilyn] Hi, Candy.
-[Tink bleating]
148
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:49,701
Hi! How's the pinnekjøtt going?
149
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:52,579
Well, a lot better now that you're here
with the birch sticks.
150
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,997
I don't know
if it's good enough for royalty.
151
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:58,167
-So you haven't heard then yet?
-Heard what, hon?
152
00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:01,003
[chuckles] I shouldn't say anything.
153
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:04,841
It is not my place to mix,
but as it turns out...
154
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:07,552
Shirley Nickelson is also
making pinnekjøtt.
155
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,721
-[gasps]
-And she's been brining for weeks.
156
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,014
What?
157
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,225
[Candy echoing] Shirley Nickelson
is also making pinnekjøtt.
158
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,227
And she's been brining for weeks.
159
00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:18,145
[bleating]
160
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:25,111
We've all already declared
our dishes weeks ago.
161
00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:26,863
And I declared pinnekjøtt.
162
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,823
[chuckles] What are you going to do?
163
00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:32,076
Shirley's Shirley. I gotta run, hon.
164
00:07:32,159 --> 00:07:34,328
Let me know if you need more sticks.
[clicks tongue]
165
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,373
[Tink bleats]
166
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,584
[folk music playing]
167
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:43,755
[indistinct chatter]
168
00:07:46,674 --> 00:07:49,010
"Velkommen, King Olav and Queen Märtha.
169
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:52,054
I'm sorry to hear you arrived at the hall
in a Buick LeSabre.
170
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,223
I know you would have preferred a fjord.
171
00:07:54,306 --> 00:07:56,225
-Hold for laughs." [chuckles]
-[bleats]
172
00:07:56,893 --> 00:08:01,397
Maria, your sister is evil.
She needs to be stopped.
173
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,190
-I don't have a sister.
-Her!
174
00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:05,151
-[bleating]
-Your sister with the horns!
175
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:07,403
She's gonna open the gates of hell.
176
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,238
[scoffs]
177
00:08:09,321 --> 00:08:10,907
Oh, cripes, they're here. They're here!
178
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:14,702
The king and queen of Norway are here!
Places, everybody.
179
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:19,123
[bleating]
180
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,336
[humming Norwegian national anthem]
181
00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:44,356
[audience applauding]
182
00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:51,614
[woman coughs]
183
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:59,080
"Thanks very much to the dulcet tones
of the Duluth Humjabbers."
184
00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:00,832
[audience applauding]
185
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:07,379
"Velkommen, to King Olav and Queen Märtha!
186
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:12,301
We promise there's Nor-way
you won't enjoy Duluth.
187
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,596
Hold for laughs."
188
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,138
[laughs]
189
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,726
"On behalf
of the Sons and Daughters of Norway,
190
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:24,271
we're pleased to present you
with some traditional Norwegian dishes.
191
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:29,569
And some of the ladies are quite
the Norwegian dishes themselves."
192
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:32,572
-[laughing]
-Am I right, fellas?
193
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:35,116
-Is this thing on?
-[laughing]
194
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:40,162
"First up, Candy Coombs
with her legendary lutefisk!
195
00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:45,376
Um, when Candy Coombs makes lutefisk,
she's not playing around.
196
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:49,380
And that's funny because a lute,
you play it,
197
00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:53,425
it's a musical instrument that is used
in stringed arrangements."
198
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,511
-[chuckles nervously]
-[laughs]
199
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:57,639
[Maria] She got it.
200
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,392
"In keeping with the musical motif,
next up,
201
00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:04,020
a duet of pinnekjøtts
202
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:08,691
by Marilyn Bamford
and also Shirley Nickelson."
203
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,902
-[audience applauding]
-Marilyn Bamford's my mom. [chuckles]
204
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:17,366
Wait! One of the pinnekjøtt plates
is poisoned.
205
00:10:17,449 --> 00:10:18,284
[audience gasps]
206
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:22,288
Which plate is the preferred platter
207
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:24,791
to prevent the potentates
from potential poisoning?
208
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,627
-[bleats]
-Devil, get thee behind me!
209
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,378
-Get thee behind me!
-[Candy] Marilyn, hon,
210
00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:30,587
you're acting a little squirrely.
211
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,214
-We should take her home.
-Marilyn, let's get some air.
212
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:35,426
Oh, don't you touch me!
He is the devil's disciple!
213
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:38,805
He is the aid to the dark lord.
And he beats me!
214
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:42,141
-[audience gasps]
-Yes, Joel Bamford, MD,
215
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:44,101
-beats his wife!
-[Tink bleating]
216
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,562
Devil daughter, get thee back to hell!
217
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,856
-Get thee back to hell!
-No. No!
218
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,274
-[Maria] Tink!
-[Tink screams]
219
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:54,278
So, Mom, how are you feeling?
220
00:10:54,361 --> 00:10:59,408
I can't remember exactly what happened,
but I have the feeling
221
00:10:59,491 --> 00:11:04,706
this week is gonna be filled
with a lot of "I'm sorry" days.
222
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:07,624
-[bleats]
-[sighs] So, what do you think happened?
223
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:10,002
Honestly, I don't know,
224
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:14,465
but I figured since I haven't had
a seizure in 20 years...
225
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:19,345
why was I taking the medication?
So I stopped.
226
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:20,930
-Oh!
-Not good.
227
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,890
-[sighs]
-Is Tink okay?
228
00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:25,893
You got him in his back legs,
so he didn't feel a thing.
229
00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,061
Good.
230
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:29,063
Why the long face, kiddo?
231
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:32,024
Well, besides you breaking down,
I don't know, I...
232
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:35,987
I guess I finally thought that maybe
you thought I was funny,
233
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:40,366
but then I realized it was just that
you had lost your marbles.
234
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:43,202
Of course you're funny.
You've always been funny.
235
00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:44,787
But why don't you ever laugh?
236
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:48,040
Sweetie, I'm an internal laugher.
237
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:51,919
I laugh on the inside,
where you came from.
238
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:57,633
'Cause in there,
there's always womb for a good joke.
239
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:01,095
-I don't... I don't get it.
-You don't get it?
240
00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:03,389
-[bleats]
-Tink gets it.
241
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:04,431
[chuckles]
242
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:08,435
[Maria] So, I got mixed messages
about nurturing as a kid.
243
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,396
And that's why I was determined
to find out
244
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:12,481
how to take care of my beloved Scott...
245
00:12:12,564 --> 00:12:14,150
at couple's therapy.
246
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,778
Maria, welcome to couple's therapy.
247
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:19,488
I'm sure you remember my brother,
Karl Grisham.
248
00:12:19,571 --> 00:12:22,491
-What's up?
-You guys are a couple, or...
249
00:12:22,574 --> 00:12:26,829
Um, of course. This is couple's therapy.
250
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,874
Remind me.
So you're stepbrother and sister, or...
251
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:33,169
-No, we are 100% biologique twins.
-[chuckles]
252
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,130
She shares the exact same DNA as me.
253
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:39,008
Sometimes she has a little extra,
if you know what I mean.
254
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,467
[Karen chuckles] All right.
255
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,469
So, what's going on with you and Scott?
256
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,222
Okay, well, Scott's best friend
is Jessica Hu
257
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:48,017
and she knows everything about him,
258
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,895
like his favorite soup.
I mean, how do I get to that point?
259
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:52,188
-How does that happen?
-Whoa, whoa!
260
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:54,857
-Maria, I gotta stop you right there.
-[Karen] Mmm, mmm, mmm!
261
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,443
-You're fucked. You're really fucked...
-You're stone-cold fucked.
262
00:12:57,526 --> 00:12:58,903
-[Karl] Yeah.
-And you're just...
263
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:00,321
-Fucked.
-Fucked.
264
00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:02,114
Why? [stutters] What do you mean?
265
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,491
It's what we call
the When Harry Met Sally rule.
266
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,911
-That men and women cannot be friends.
-Can't be friends.
267
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:10,622
-Come on. That is not true.
-Are you a man?
268
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:13,625
-Are you a man?
-No.
269
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:15,294
Do you know who won
the big game this fall?
270
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:17,671
-No.
-Can I help you find the gentlemen's room?
271
00:13:17,754 --> 00:13:19,673
-No!
-Do you have a beautiful penis
272
00:13:19,756 --> 00:13:21,258
-like my brother has?
-Aw!
273
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,886
Can I... can I sidebar with you
in the office for a second?
274
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,097
[Karen] Yeah, just... And just...
275
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,514
[Karl grunts] Oh, God.
276
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,308
I... You know what?
I could just come back.
277
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,310
Yeah, just hold tight. Hang tight, Maria.
278
00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:32,561
[Karl] Sit right there.
279
00:13:32,644 --> 00:13:34,313
[both grunting]
280
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,316
[Karen clears throat]
281
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,527
[clears throat] So, we've meditated
on your problem.
282
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:44,781
-We think we have a solution.
-Okay.
283
00:13:46,658 --> 00:13:47,659
It's called the Sling-A-Ling.
284
00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:51,122
It's a mobile sex swing
for sexy lovers on the go.
285
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,207
Slight drilling required.
286
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,626
Heavy drilling recommended.
287
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:58,212
-That's for sure. [chuckles]
-Mmm. Mmm.
288
00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,839
What I want is, like,
for Scott and I to be best friends.
289
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,383
I don't think I'm Scott's best friend.
290
00:14:02,466 --> 00:14:06,178
Right. And that's because
Jessica Hu is controlling his mind
291
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,931
with caring, and communication,
292
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:12,351
and, uh, good old-fashioned anticipation.
293
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,895
-Mmm.
-[chuckles]
294
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:18,607
But you can destroy all that by nuking
Scott with your cooze missile, right?
295
00:14:18,690 --> 00:14:22,111
And his ding-a-ling in the Sling-A-Ling.
296
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:23,320
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
297
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:25,197
We're still working on slogans.
It's not great.
298
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:29,076
But the point is, that once you get Scott
into this bad boy right here,
299
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,870
he's not gonna be saying, "Jessica Hu."
300
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:32,788
-He's gonna be saying, "Jessica who?"
-[laughs]
301
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:36,542
Like, "Who is that?" With a "W."
302
00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:38,044
-That's really good!
-Thank you.
303
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:42,589
I would totally try that, as soon as
his fever goes down a little.
304
00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:44,884
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Maria, Maria, Maria.
305
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,802
This is the best thing for a fever.
306
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,555
You know that old saying.
"Starve a cold. Fuck a fever."
307
00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:51,891
[Karen] "Now her man..."
308
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,518
[both] "will never leave her."
309
00:14:54,601 --> 00:14:56,228
-[Karl gasps]
-[inhales sharply]
310
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:58,940
-That's that magic right there, okay?
-Ooh, ooh, ooh.
311
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,816
I've never heard that before.
312
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,944
But I've also never
lived with a man before.
313
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,696
[chuckles] Right. Well, that's how you
ended up in couple's therapy.
314
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:06,697
[sighs]
315
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:08,657
I'll tell you what,
we're having a special right now, Maria.
316
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:12,453
Two Sling-A-Lings for the price of one.
Can I put you down for two?
317
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,997
It'd be bad business sense not to.
[chuckles]
318
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,249
-Great! Four Sling-A-Lings it is.
-Great.
319
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,292
-Wonderful!
-[Maria] Great!
320
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,005
[door opens]
321
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:25,549
Hey, there, sexy stuff.
322
00:15:25,632 --> 00:15:28,760
-What's going on?
-Oh, I don't know. Nothing.
323
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:33,724
Just a little breastoration hardware.
Get it?
324
00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,392
Maria, what are you doing with tools?
325
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,019
I'm just drilling.
326
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:41,065
-[whirring]
-[moaning] My face hole...
327
00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:45,361
My sexy face hole
is getting all covered with dust.
328
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,738
-Honey--
-Ooh!
329
00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,823
Honey, be careful.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
330
00:15:49,906 --> 00:15:51,117
[grunting]
331
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,619
I'm gonna hurt you in your pants
332
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:59,125
so you're ready for Jessica Who's
with a W's premiere.
333
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,667
[Scott] I don't think
I'm gonna go to the premiere.
334
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:04,380
Oh, that's 'cause you don't want to go?
You want to stay in bed?
335
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,590
-Yeah.
-[screaming]
336
00:16:06,673 --> 00:16:08,717
-Oh, God!
-[Blueberry] Oh, I think she's being sexy.
337
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,221
-Sex on you! Sex on you!
-Oh, God!
338
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:14,681
You know what? I'm feeling a bit nauseous.
339
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:15,932
I don't think I'm in the mood.
340
00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:20,771
Okay, well... you can fuck a fever.
341
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:21,897
What?
342
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,607
[Bert] Oh, God damn it!
343
00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:26,527
Okay, okay. Redact.
Redact, redact, redact, redact.
344
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:28,070
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, okay.
345
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:31,240
The worst part is,
I'm gonna let Jessica down.
346
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:34,368
I told her I'd help with the Q and A
after the movie.
347
00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:38,247
Here's a crazy idea. Uh, your best friend
could help you out with the Q and A.
348
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:40,416
Yeah, but Jessica's already doing
the Q and A.
349
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:43,877
Oh, I get it.
She is your ancient best friend
350
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,337
of years and years and years and years.
351
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,256
But I'm talking about me!
352
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,134
-You silly invalid, you shut-in.
-[chuckles]
353
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,136
I could fill in for you.
354
00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:53,637
I could do the Q and A.
355
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,056
[chuckles] Really? You'd do that?
356
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:58,767
Of course I would.
I'm your lover and best friend.
357
00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:02,688
Objectively speaking, so much more
important than just a best friend.
358
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,023
[Blueberry coughs]
359
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,983
Don't you worry
your pretty little head about it.
360
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:13,407
I'm gonna be there at the premiere,
meeting your needs and being a hero!
361
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,534
-Okay?
-[Bert] Oh, boy.
362
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,619
-And if you get a chance...
-Yeah.
363
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,414
-...if you could fill out this grid...
-Ow!
364
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:24,126
...because then I can know
everything about you.
365
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:28,130
-Maybe even more than Jessica knows.
-[whirs]
366
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:32,008
-Okay.
-It's just a small, 130-page grid.
367
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:33,552
[whirs]
368
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:35,804
-I know you'd have the time.
-[whirs]
369
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,640
Thank you, honey.
370
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,142
[Blueberry] She bought four Sling-A-Lings.
371
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:43,895
[Bert] I wonder if they come in size pug.
372
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:49,985
[theme music playing]
373
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,156
[announcer] It's not just entertainment,
374
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,908
it's Elontainment Tonight!
375
00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:59,120
Looks like things went full tits up
376
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:02,206
on the set of Maria Bamford's
new Muskvision TV show, Space Nuts.
377
00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:03,374
[Karen] Oh, my God!
378
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:06,042
Kasang! Chuchu! Magic box off.
379
00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:09,088
[in fancy voice] I crippled my co-star.
380
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:10,922
[stutters] I crippled my co-star.
381
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:14,593
Crippled my co-star,
and then I destroyed the entire show.
382
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:17,304
I heard from your "friend" Susan's
Jew lawyer this morning.
383
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:20,932
She's suing, and I believe the legal term
is, "the fuck off our balls."
384
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:23,477
Oh, no, no, no, no!
385
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,896
Don Jr. would like a word.
It might be the C word.
386
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:28,482
-Is Don Jr. here?
-[Don Jr.] Hello, Maria.
387
00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:30,901
Oh. Ah!
388
00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:33,945
We need you, Maria,
to get Susan to drop the lawsuit
389
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,740
and to take on
a new central role in the show.
390
00:18:36,823 --> 00:18:40,369
The part of the crippled
Sith Lord general, Phlybygggggxxxezyx.
391
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,163
Phlybygggggezegazyx?
392
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,706
-Phlybygggggezezazyx.
-Phlybygggggezezazygen.
393
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:45,957
[Don Jr.] Phlybygggggxxxezyx.
394
00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:48,419
-Phlybygggggezegazyx?
-Phlybygggggezegazyx!
395
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,462
That's what I just said.
Phlybygggggezegazegez.
396
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:54,300
[Don Jr.] Oh, BT-dubs,
your new rack is testing awesome.
397
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:56,385
You're gonna want to make them permanent.
398
00:18:56,468 --> 00:19:00,264
I made you an appointment
with the greatest tit doctor in the world.
399
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:01,682
He'll take care of you.
400
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:04,935
Don, thank you so much.
You're the sweetest.
401
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:08,647
[Don Jr.] Aw. Thank you. Muah.
Kisses, kisses, muah, muah.
402
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,691
-You're the most darling.
-[Don Jr.] Enjoy.
403
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:11,983
-[squeals]
-Now, get the fuck out of here.
404
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,319
And get that crippled cunt
back on the show!
405
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,321
-Go, go, go, go, go!
-Exit line.
406
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,406
-What?
-Exit line.
407
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,241
How about fuck off? Fuck off!
408
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:20,909
[chuckles] Fuck off!
409
00:19:22,869 --> 00:19:26,707
[chuckles] Oh, babe,
give me some more of those pain pills.
410
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:28,834
[laughs] They're so good. Ah!
411
00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:30,877
Are you sure you should be taking these?
412
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,754
Aren't they a bad mix
with your psych meds?
413
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:35,924
-Grow up, Scott.
-I think these things are making you edgy.
414
00:19:36,007 --> 00:19:38,427
[chuckles] I think you're a little eggy.
415
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:42,639
You come home with a set
of jumbo gawangs out of nowhere.
416
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:46,017
And I know you want to apologize
to Susan for destroying her spine...
417
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:48,312
-Mmm-hmm.
-But did you have to invite her
418
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:49,813
to come live with us?
419
00:19:49,896 --> 00:19:53,900
Scott, she's crippled. She needs to heal.
420
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,694
You know, it'll just take a little time.
421
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,154
You'll hardly even notice she's here.
422
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,579
-[whirring]
-[Maria laughs]
423
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:08,081
Hi!
424
00:20:08,164 --> 00:20:11,126
How great is this exoskeleton?
425
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:14,505
I almost forgot
that my spine was snapped in half
426
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:18,425
and I'm forever gonna be a mechana-woman,
all because of you.
427
00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:21,720
I'm so sorry, Susan.
428
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:24,640
Well... [scoffs] not as sorry
as my ovaries are.
429
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:26,099
Scott, did Maria tell you?
430
00:20:26,182 --> 00:20:28,852
My ovaries... [mimics explosion]
exploded.
431
00:20:28,935 --> 00:20:31,187
My uterus is like a dustbowl.
432
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:35,526
Bunch of jalopies just roaming
around the countryside.
433
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:38,987
[in Southern accent]
"What's that, pa? We going to Californy?"
434
00:20:39,070 --> 00:20:40,822
[chuckles] Ooh!
435
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:41,990
-Ooh!
-[Susan sighs]
436
00:20:42,073 --> 00:20:45,827
This thing is so sensitive, like a Lexus.
437
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,954
You know what,
we're just happy to have you, Suz.
438
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:50,874
We're just happy to have you back
on the show, aren't we, Scott?
439
00:20:50,957 --> 00:20:52,626
-Yeah?
-[Maria] Yeah.
440
00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:57,256
-Prove it. We're out of bendy straws.
-I'll go get 'em. Maria needs her rest.
441
00:20:57,339 --> 00:20:59,925
No. No.
442
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:03,429
Maria promised me
that she would be my helper monkey,
443
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:05,764
not some dick-limp chimp.
444
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:07,849
[chuckles] She's right. We had a deal.
445
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,268
You know what,
I'll just take a quick drive
446
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,519
down to the Food 4 Less.
447
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,564
No, no, no. You...
Not on those pain pills, you won't.
448
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,399
Oh, okay, fine.
449
00:21:15,482 --> 00:21:17,693
[chuckles] I'll speed walk.
450
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:20,904
Give everyone a chance
to see these twice-baked taters.
451
00:21:20,987 --> 00:21:23,324
Tune in, Tokyo.
452
00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:24,741
[both chuckle]
453
00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:26,368
Thank you, Maria.
454
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:30,331
I'd have you get me tampons,
but there's no need for 'em anymore.
455
00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:31,582
-[chuckling] No.
-[Susan chuckles]
456
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:34,585
It's like a CBS comedy lineup down there.
457
00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:37,754
Just dead air, coast-to-coast. [chuckles]
458
00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:39,214
-[Maria] I'm closing the door.
-See ya!
459
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:43,802
Speaking of coast-to-coast,
why aren't you fucking me yet?
460
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:44,886
What?
461
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:51,101
-Jesus!
-I am single and ready to jangle.
462
00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:53,186
-Look, Susan, I'm married, okay?
-Oh!
463
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:55,772
[grunts]
464
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,609
Well, it ain't cheating
if you boink the robot half.
465
00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:00,319
Look, this is insane!
466
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,696
[screaming]
467
00:22:02,779 --> 00:22:04,740
Why, Mr. Scott Marvel Cassidy,
468
00:22:04,823 --> 00:22:07,409
I do believe
you're trying to seduce me. [chuckles]
469
00:22:09,035 --> 00:22:10,662
[whimpering]
470
00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:11,747
[chuckles]
471
00:22:12,956 --> 00:22:14,750
[laughing]
472
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:16,167
[screaming]
473
00:22:16,251 --> 00:22:18,837
-[screaming continues]
-[Susan continues laughing]
474
00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:30,766
[Jessica] As we ate our sushi, I realized
475
00:22:30,849 --> 00:22:34,728
Scott was the best karaoke partner,
the best Frisbee coach
476
00:22:34,811 --> 00:22:37,898
and, of course, the best friend.
477
00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:42,569
-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]
478
00:22:42,653 --> 00:22:44,154
Are you kidding me with this?
479
00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:48,241
This extremely well-crafted,
heart-wrenching movie
480
00:22:48,324 --> 00:22:51,327
is about best friendship?
481
00:22:51,412 --> 00:22:52,829
I'm sorry. What was that again?
482
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:55,791
I'm calling my best friend, Ted,
that I haven't talked to in 26 years.
483
00:22:58,419 --> 00:23:03,131
Oh, my gosh! Thank you.
Thank you, everybody. Oh!
484
00:23:03,214 --> 00:23:07,511
Um, unfortunately, the co-subject
of my film, and my best friend,
485
00:23:07,594 --> 00:23:09,262
he couldn't be here tonight to join us.
486
00:23:09,345 --> 00:23:13,058
But taking his place is his girlfriend,
Maria Bamford!
487
00:23:13,141 --> 00:23:16,645
[Maria] Fiancée! We're getting married!
488
00:23:16,728 --> 00:23:18,939
Right. He knows my social.
489
00:23:19,022 --> 00:23:20,649
-Okay, yeah!
-[laughing]
490
00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:22,233
I'm wearing this ring. Ahh!
491
00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:24,653
So, we're having fun, but, unfortunately,
492
00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:27,322
Scott is a little under the weather
with the flu.
493
00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:31,827
But I took him some soup.
And of course that soup was...
494
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:37,916
[crowd] Wor Wonton Soup from Green Dragon
with extra dumplings and wontons!
495
00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:39,084
[Jessica squeals] You got it!
496
00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:41,962
-Oh, my gosh, have a seat. Are you good?
-Uh, I'm good. Good, good, good.
497
00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:45,090
-Yes, question from the audience?
-Hi. Yes, I really loved the movie.
498
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:48,969
It's just so touching
and so filled with friendship.
499
00:23:49,052 --> 00:23:51,096
-Thank you.
-Thank you. Thank you, yeah!
500
00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:55,058
I was wondering, what inspired Scott
to become a painter?
501
00:23:55,141 --> 00:23:56,392
-Mmm--
-Oh, you know what?
502
00:23:56,477 --> 00:23:58,353
Actually, I think I could take that.
503
00:23:58,436 --> 00:24:03,233
Scott went outside one day
and he saw everything.
504
00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:08,739
And he said, "How do I get
what I have in my eyeball onto paper?"
505
00:24:08,822 --> 00:24:10,949
And then he just began.
506
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:13,660
So... I think that answers your question.
507
00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:18,456
Oh, okay. Also, Scott's favorite aunt
took him to an exhibit at the Tate
508
00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:20,041
-when he was just nine.
-Oh.
509
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:23,962
-Totally changed his life. Remember that?
-Okay, and that... Yeah, that, too.
510
00:24:24,045 --> 00:24:26,715
-Follow up question.
-No, there's no more questions from you.
511
00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:28,634
Can we get a bottle of water up here?
512
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:32,220
[chuckling] I am just, uh,
wobbly and hot like a flan!
513
00:24:32,303 --> 00:24:34,055
[laughs] Next question.
514
00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:35,223
Hi, Jessica, um...
515
00:24:35,306 --> 00:24:36,725
Well, first of all I just want to say that
516
00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:41,021
I'm also a graduate
of Exposition University, so go Pipes!
517
00:24:41,104 --> 00:24:42,355
Go Pipes!
518
00:24:42,438 --> 00:24:44,858
It seemed a little bit like
Scott might have been disappointed
519
00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:46,735
by that dinner party you threw together.
520
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,904
-Yeah, um, you know--
-Uh, no. I know.
521
00:24:49,780 --> 00:24:52,323
He loves carrots.
And there were not carrots at that party.
522
00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:53,909
And, you know...
523
00:24:55,368 --> 00:24:58,288
You know what, the truth is, as much as
I love Scott, he's my best friend,
524
00:24:58,371 --> 00:25:00,290
he can be really difficult
to read sometimes.
525
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:01,750
I mean, it's just like... [screams]
526
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:03,293
-[chuckles] You know?
-I don't find him
527
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:04,670
difficult to read at all.
528
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,839
He's easy to read for me
because I'm his best friend and his lover,
529
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:11,176
and I've...
I've really gotten in there many times.
530
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:12,844
-And, uh... Yeah.
-[Jessica] Oh!
531
00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:15,055
Well, you know
a different Scott than I do. [chuckles]
532
00:25:15,138 --> 00:25:16,264
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
533
00:25:16,347 --> 00:25:18,224
You know why? Because Scott sometimes,
534
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:21,603
he has a problem with communicating
what it is that he wants, you know?
535
00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:25,231
So sometimes, it's like, I feel like
he wants me to just read his mind--
536
00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:27,192
Okay, you know what? I think you're...
537
00:25:27,275 --> 00:25:28,359
You say you're a best friend,
538
00:25:28,443 --> 00:25:33,198
but then you come at this and say,
to all these strangers,
539
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:34,866
"Oh, he can't express himself."
540
00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:37,744
You would never say that
behind someone's back...
541
00:25:37,828 --> 00:25:38,870
if you were a real friend.
542
00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:40,831
Behind someone's back.
543
00:25:40,914 --> 00:25:42,749
That's what's wrong!
544
00:25:42,833 --> 00:25:45,335
Absolutely.
But the thing is, Maria, I promise,
545
00:25:45,418 --> 00:25:48,088
if Scott was here,
I would totally say it to his face.
546
00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:50,340
-Really?
-Yeah!
547
00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:52,759
Ladies and gentlemen, best friendships...
548
00:25:52,843 --> 00:25:57,347
They don't have to be perfect
for them to be meaningful.
549
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,390
What? They don't?
550
00:25:59,474 --> 00:26:01,101
That's what my movie was about, Maria.
551
00:26:01,184 --> 00:26:02,310
I totally got that.
552
00:26:02,393 --> 00:26:03,561
[Jessica] You all got that, right?
553
00:26:03,645 --> 00:26:04,896
[chuckles] Okay, good, good.
554
00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:07,440
-You're so perfect!
-No!
555
00:26:07,523 --> 00:26:11,194
You got a perfect movie,
you got a perfect outfit!
556
00:26:11,277 --> 00:26:15,323
And now you said that you're not perfect
in front of a whole group of people,
557
00:26:15,406 --> 00:26:19,494
which again reiterates the fact
that you are truly perfect!
558
00:26:20,871 --> 00:26:22,914
[crowd gasping]
559
00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:29,254
I'm so sorry. Oh, no!
Never forgive me. Never forgive me!
560
00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:31,840
[door closes]
561
00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:33,634
Thanks, everybody, for coming out.
[chuckles nervously]
562
00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:35,761
Best Friends, the movie.
Tell your best friends.
563
00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:43,769
I really gotta call Jessica and apologize.
I just totally ruined her premiere.
564
00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:46,021
No, you didn't.
565
00:26:46,104 --> 00:26:49,190
She called this morning to check on you.
Said it was no big deal.
566
00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:51,860
The most important thing
is for you to get well.
567
00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:55,822
Of course she did. She's so freaking cool.
568
00:26:55,906 --> 00:26:59,826
And this soup from Green Dragon
is so good! [slurps]
569
00:26:59,910 --> 00:27:02,078
Yeah, don't you think soup tastes better
when it's heated up?
570
00:27:02,162 --> 00:27:04,956
I didn't think it would, but it does.
571
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:09,419
I'm so sorry that I brought you soup
in a can and I barfed on your best friend.
572
00:27:09,502 --> 00:27:11,713
[snorts] Hey, you're my best friend.
573
00:27:11,797 --> 00:27:12,798
Really?
574
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:16,467
I know I'm not the best at telling people
what I need, which is kind of ironic,
575
00:27:16,551 --> 00:27:20,513
since I graduated with a master's in
communication from Exposition University.
576
00:27:20,596 --> 00:27:22,473
-Go Pipes.
-But from now on, I promise
577
00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:24,475
I'll just tell you
what kind of soup I want.
578
00:27:24,559 --> 00:27:26,895
-I would really appreciate that.
-Maybe I won't have to.
579
00:27:28,354 --> 00:27:29,397
-[gasps]
-'Cause you'll have this.
580
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,567
-My grid!
-Our grid.
581
00:27:32,650 --> 00:27:34,402
And that's about way more than just soup.
582
00:27:34,485 --> 00:27:38,949
And you broke it down into sections,
just like I like it.
583
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,616
It took me about 11 hours.
584
00:27:40,701 --> 00:27:44,079
You know what I realized, Scott?
There are no shortcuts.
585
00:27:44,162 --> 00:27:47,540
Best friendship takes time.
It's just like soup, you know?
586
00:27:47,623 --> 00:27:50,711
You've gotta pay attention to it,
otherwise the bottom burns.
587
00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:55,716
[Bert] Speaking of burning bottoms,
I burned Blueberry's bottom this morning.
588
00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:58,134
[Blueberry] He did. Sling-A-Ling!
589
00:27:58,218 --> 00:27:59,803
-[chuckles]
-You guys!
590
00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:03,098
[upbeat music playing]
591
00:28:03,148 --> 00:28:07,698
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