Original subtitles

[romantic song playing]

-Isn't this fun? Fondue... -[Scott] Mmm.

-[Maria] And opening mail... -Mmm.

Combines my two favorite passions.

Melted cheese and personal finance.

Open one of my letters.

-What is it? -[chuckles excitedly]

Oh, it's, um, Trader Joe's. They're expanding their parking lot.

Ooh. Sexy information.

Go ahead. Open some of my private mail.

-Oh, it's priority post. What? -Yeah.

[both] Ooh.

[gasps]

What is this?

What? It's jalapeno cheddar.

-Is it too spicy? -No.

[stammering] No, what is this? This is an overdue notice.

Yeah. I just owe some money for my college debt.

-Oh, okay. How much money? -Forty-five grand.

[screams]

At least, that's what it was when I stopped paying.

[screams]

But it's not like compound interest adds up.

[screaming]

[breathing heavily] Do you...

Scott, how are you not freaking out every moment of every day?

[Bert] The shit is really hitting the fan now.

-Maria, don't worry about this. -Okay.

This is my debt, not your debt. I'll handle it.

[stammering] The notices are coming to our house.

It's as if your dad were Hitler, okay? And he's sending you postcards.

And he's not my dad. He's your dad. He's sending you postcards.

I don't want Hitler sending me postcards!

-Okay. -Everything will be fine.

Eh, something needs to be done.

-Action must be taken. -Absolutely.

-Whatever you want. We'll do it. -Okay.

You're coming with me to my Debtors Anonymous group.

[groans] Nip-cheese.

[theme music playing]

-Number 11. Hey, you. -[chuckles] Yes.

Hello.

[woman 1] Oh, my God. Have you tasted this? This is so amazing.

[men arguing in Hebrew]

-[woman 2] Let's get outta here. -[whistling]

[men arguing in Spanish]

[all cheering]

[group] Change is not just in your pocket.

Hi. My name is Emily Bezzler.

[whispers] She's new. I haven't seen her here before.

Hi. You can call me Em. My friends did.

Now they don't call me at all. [chuckles]

I was an accountant and a bookkeeper at a firm

that I ran with my husband, the late Marty Bezzler.

RIP. CPA.

In the last few years, he ran the firm into a lot of debt,

so when he passed away,

all of his debt became my debt.

[whispering] That's my worst nightmare.

I pretended it wasn't happening. I just tried to...

ignore the problem, but... you can't ignore debt.

That's what you do. That's what he does.

-[laughs] -Oh.

It's all of us, 'cause we're here. [chuckles]

All right, I'm just gonna say it. I stole money from my clients

and I paid the penultimate price.

My freedom.

I did some things I'm not proud of. [sighs]

But I've also done some things I'm really proud of.

I did a one-woman show that Hugh Laurie almost saw.

-[scattered applause] -[laughs] I know.

You know, I did my crime, but I did my time and I am...

I am ready to get back on my feet.

I'm gonna find a place of my own

-for my dog, Evan... -[romantic song playing]

...and also my son, Sparky.

-Oh! -[Em] What do you say, guys?

Do any of you have enough vision and courage

to hire an ex-con bookkeeper named Em Bezzler

and her little dog who needs heartworm pills

every single day of his life and he's down to his last half a pill,

because I've been breaking them in half?

[song continues playing]

-The two of us can. -[gasps]

[whispering] Maria, no felons. Let's talk about this.

It's a sign. She's available.

That's what you call a God shot. Good orderly direction.

There is no God, but God is spelled "dog" backwards.

She has a dog. We have to hire her.

Maria, do you think you might be having a manic episode?

[scoffs] Just 'cause I'm enthusiastic, doesn't mean I'm having a manic episode.

[excited chattering] Look how cute! Can I hold you?

[Maria cooing]

Oh, he's wonderful. We have a bookkeeper.

[Maria] Trust is very important to me in a relationship.

I learned that from my parents.

Oh, Maria, you're a woman now.

You're 16 years old and the state of Minnesota has fingered...

you to be a legal driver in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

So, to celebrate, I have a special present.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, it is just a learner's permit. It's no big deal.

It is a big deal. It is.

-Now, close your eyes -Okay. Okay.

Okay, open 'em.

My gift to you is the gift of truth.

Okay.

Your father is having an affair.

[sighs] A gay one. With a gay man.

Oh, my God. Dad is gay?

So, I got a mobile videotape cassette camera...

-[thuds] -Oh.

I want you to use that learner's permit and follow your father.

He claims he has a tennis date with his friend Gary on Saturday.

And I'm afraid that racket's not the only thing he's gonna be stroking.

Oh, Mom. Mom.

I want you to catch them together and shoot everything you see.

Do not be shy.

But also be very mindful of faces.

'Cause I'm gonna need everything for the court case.

Oh, there's gonna be a court case?

You may have to choose between your father and me.

But I'm perfectly fine with you choosing your father.

I probably never should have had children anyway.

Oh. Feelings are so painful. [chuckles]

Mom, I don't think I can do this.

You can. I have fingered you to do it, Maria.

Now, eat your sundae. You won't feel a thing.

[chuckles awkwardly]

[Maria] Oh, boy.

This is where my dad said he was playing tennis with Gary.

I guess it's where they do their lovemaking.

[Kirsten] It's just so funny

thinking about your dad guzzling man dong all night

and then giving you a kiss good morning.

[chuckles] Gross.

Shut up, Kirsten, okay?

[sighs] He brushes his teeth and he taught me how to floss.

Did he also teach you how to wash your mouth out with wang-wash? [laughs]

Oh, God. Here he is. Where is he going?

He probably forgot lube. They can't do anything without lube.

-[engine cranking] -Oh. Oh, come on, Maria.

-I'm riding the clutch. -Have you been practicing at all?

[Maria] Okay. What's he doin'?

[Kirsten] He's probably getting his gay supplies for his gay date.

They like night crawlers and gerbils, too.

We had a hamster once.

Okay, so there you go.

Oh, boy. Look at that.

Oh, that's gonna go up Gary's ass.

[Maria] That's impossible.

Well, anything's possible with enough lube.

[Maria] Peanut Buster Parfait?

What's he gonna do with that?

[scoffs] Dip a dick in it. That's what.

[Maria] I have so much more respect for my dad now.

Oh, shit.

The Hubert Humphrey rest stop is where guys go to pound each other.

I wonder if your dad "humps free" or if he charges.

-[chuckles] Get it, Maria? -Yeah, I get it, Kirsten.

-It's a sound-alike joke. -He was vice president...

-Yes. Oh. -For Johnson.

-Johnson. [chuckles] Oh, man. -Oh. Where's he going?

Oh, God, Maria, maybe we can get him in action.

What's he doing back there all by himself?

[Kirsten] He's probably fluffing himself.

Waiting for Go-dong.

[Kirsten chuckles]

-[Maria] Oh, oh, oh! -[Kirsten] Shoot.

Maria?

Dad? [chuckles nervously]

What are you kids doing back here?

Mom, uh, told me to tail ya.

'Cause she thought you were getting tailed by Gary.

She thinks you're gay in love.

Well, say hello to Gary.

-[Joel chuckles] -Where is he?

All of this is Gary.

This, uh, area behind the rest stop.

-Gary's a dirty parking lot? -Gary's a state of mind, honey.

Gary's my time away for myself.

Gary doesn't judge.

Gary doesn't criticize.

Gary lets me eat a Peanut Buster Parfait without slapping it out of my hands

and telling me I'm gonna die of a heart attack in a year.

Dad, Mom says you're breaking up.

[Joel] Don't worry about it, honey.

But she doesn't trust you, Dad.

[chuckles] I don't trust her.

You can't trust anybody in a relationship.

Now, I want you to remember that, Maria.

And when you meet that special guy, never trust him.

-Okay. [chuckles] -Mmm-hmm.

Maybe we'll leave you here with Gary.

-[laughs] -Okay

Sounds like you guys need to catch up.

-All right, see you later, alligator. -Okay.

-Bye-bye, Papi. -[Kirsten] Wow!

I bet you wish your dad was a homo now.

Yeah, I kinda do.

-Maybe he'd be happier. -[Kirsten] Yeah, no shit.

[Maria] I vowed then to never be like my parents. I trusted everyone.

And it's worked out great.

And that is why I always use thumb tacks to secure my Post-it Notes.

[knock at door]

Bruce, you wanted to see me?

-Ah, my angel! Come in, come in, come in. -[Maria chuckles]

Maria, I'd like you to meet Cody.

He's an ace reporter on the entertainment section

of the North Hollywood Junior High Junior Bugler.

So, Cody, why don't you go ahead and have a seat there on the couch

and you can observe how Hollywood sizzles.

Sure thing, Mr. Ben-Bacharach.

So, quick question, Maria.

I received my commission check for the Abluvia account

and imagine my surprise at East LA's Checks Equals Cash kiosk

inside Manny's Rare Pet Shop when I went to cash said check, much to my dismay,

I found, using the patois of the locals, that money paper no workey-workey.

Okay, I don't understand a thing you just said.

Your commission check bounced, Maria.

Higher than a young Adrienne Barbeau on a hot August trampoline.

-[gasps] My check bounced? -Yes!

I can only assume you're giving me some sort of a mafia message or something.

Was it because I couldn't get you the Judd movie?

-No, I passed on that to Judd myself. -My God!

You're taking meetings by yourself now?

-Well, it's fine. -[sighs]

Since you're cutting out the middle man, why not cut off his head, too?

-[groans] -If our relationship is to have ended,

please make mine a swift and merciful death.

I pray thee.

Do it, Maria. Do it.

[stammers] Bruce, I'm not firing you as my manager.

-You're not? -No.

Oh. Huzzah!

I don't understand this.

We just hired a new bookkeeper last week.

Sorry to poke my nose in, miss.

But do you maybe think that your bookkeeper

could have something to do with this?

Just a cub reporter's instincts.

Ooh, Cody.

Me thinks, me wee Woodward has found his Watergate.

[chuckles] No. Em Bezzler, she... she'd never rip us off.

Wait a minute.

Your new bookkeeper's name is Em Bezzler?

Ha-ha-ha! It's a very easy joke, Cody.

No, Emily Bezzler?

Sparky Bezzler's mom? Wife of Marty Bezzler, RIP, CPA?

Oh, my God. Yes. That's her.

And you hired her to do your bookkeeping?

[Maria] You know what?

Everyone deserves a second or 72nd chance.

As far as I'm concerned,

especially if they have a little white dog named Evan,

-who has such sweet, sweet kisses. -[Cody] Oh, yeah.

I met the little pup at Sparky's birthday party.

He's a little off.

Again, just a cub reporter's instincts.

But I think she uses that dog for sympathy.

You know, tell you what. Take my card. I smell a story here.

So what do you think, Cody? Could this in fact be serious?

Well, Mr. Ben-Bacharach,

I do know that showbiz types can be vulnerable to this kind of con.

But as long as Mrs. Bezzler doesn't have access to Maria's Social Security number

and her mother's maiden name, she should be fine.

Oh, shit!

Em, we need to talk.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How cute is that dog?

[chuckles]

I know what you've done, Em Bezzler.

I know you've taken money from me. Here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna go on with your life. I'm gonna give you two weeks' severance.

What are you talking about?

I wrote a check to my manager

and it bounced for $777.77.

I don't understand.

$777.77!

How much?

It may not be that much to you, but it's the principle.

I trusted you with our finances.

I didn't do anything wrong.

There must be a logical explanation for this.

Yeah. Money's missing and someone took it.

Okay, well, let me ask you this. How well do you know Scott?

Oh! Oh!

How dare you?

We eat cheese and we open mail together.

We could not be more intimate.

Well, did you know that he is in arrears with three different banks?

[screams]

He said he just owed money on his student loans.

Okay. Did you also know he had his Kia Optima repossessed four years ago?

That is a great car with great resale value, but not for Scott.

And he owes $1,600 to Blockbuster

for an outstanding VHS copy of St. Elmo's Fire.

-[groans] He just bought that on Blu-ray! -[Evan] Rob Lowe.

Maria, Scott is keeping secrets from you. A lot of secrets.

And you are gonna be the one absorbing all of this debt

if you two ever get married. Which...

Okay, look. Scott's finances are a real poop-show.

-Yeah. -But he is not a stealer.

-And, no offense, you are. -Okay...

-I will admit, I am powerless over debt. -[romantic song playing]

But I will not admit to taking that money because I didn't do it.

Will you please give Evan and I 24 hours to find out where that money went?

[grunts] Oh, God. Curse your sweet little face.

Oh! Fine!

You have 24 hours.

-Okay. -[crying]

-Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. -We're gonna do it. We're gonna do it.

-[kissing] -We're gonna do it.

-[Em] We're gonna find the money. -[Evan barks]

-Where is it? No? -[barks]

-[barks] -[gasps] Yes?

[Evan snarling]

Target.

Interesting.

[men] Du-dum!

[theme music playing]

[in fancy voice] Mom, Dad, this is Scott.

He is my lover as well as a dreamer and an artist,

and I'm cuckoo crazy about him.

Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. and Mr. Bamford.

Well, isn't he a gentleman? Joel, take notes.

Nice grip, boy. That'll help on our way in the lunar module to Alpha Centauri.

And cut! Great look of confusion, Maria. Great.

-[normal voice] I'm confused, actually. -[shushing] Maria, business-only voice.

[in fancy voice] Okay, okay. So sorry. Yes, of course.

I'm just... I'm a little confused.

That means that you're doing the deep work.

You're like a mentally-ill Daniel Day-Lewis.

Okay, great. I love it.

Congratulations! Fucking awesome!

Day one, in the can.

Sheryl Streep, your sister Meryl can go Florence Foster-fuck herself. Okay?

Lance, love the choices. Craig, you see me later, okay?

-[laughs] -Yeah.

Oh, you sexy mother... You shut your mouth.

Oh, Maria, what can I say? We are doing it.

Hey, I just... I have one question about the, uh, Alpha Centauri bit.

Oh, yeah. I just like to throw Craig an alt.

You know, just for fun.

Just to give myself something to cut to in editing.

-Just, like, have an option. -You're editing as well?

Editing, directing, writing, marketing.

We womens be doing it!

[laughs] You are incredible!

What up, show-bitch? [chuckles]

It's me, Susan, your best friend.

Christ, you don't even recognize me? It's just a haircut.

-What are you doing here, Susan? -Why are you talking like that?

'Cause I'm a confident woman.

I'm also contracted to speak this way, both on and off camera.

[laughs]

So what'd you think of the scene we just shot?

Oh. It's very, um, labored in such a fun way.

Oh, well. Thanks for stopping by in an uninvited way.

Well, just 'cause I got written out

doesn't mean that I can't come support my best friend.

-Aw. -Aw, sweetie, you weren't written out.

You asked not to be depicted and then you refused to sign the waiver.

[laughs]

-Well, now that I've seen the show... -Mmm-hmm?

I think that my character should be in it.

-Well, well, well, well, well! -Yeah.

You know what? If you have a second, go talk to Mitch Vandermitch.

He's an executive producer on the show.

He loves to hear specific feedback and criticism on the scripts

from friends and family.

-God damn! Maybe I will. -Yeah.

-Whoo! Maybe I will. -[chuckles] Yeah, I thought so.

[Maria in fancy voice] It was a gas seeing professional actors

playing the human people from my life.

The actor chosen to play Bruce was spot on.

[Bruce] The great Andy Samberg.

I really cannot express to you

what a great honor it is to have you playing the role of me.

And I realize in the past, we may have had some differences.

Uh, your... your restraining order made clear the distance

that you want kept between us at all times.

But allow me to just violate that, just temporarily,

in order to say once again,

just how deeply filled with joy this whole thing makes me.

It's absolutely wonderful! So, again. Grazie. Prego. De nada. Empanada.

Yeah. Listen...

[clears throat] about that restraining order--

Say no more. I'll be skulking back to the trunk of my car right now

and I will bother you no further, my lord.

No, Bruce.

Look, I know I left you as my manager when I was 11,

but I'd like to hire you back on as an on-set unpaid acquaintance.

My, God. I'm experiencing early onset thrillzheimers. Thank you.

-Come on. Pound it out. -Oh!

[Bruce exclaims]

[mumbles indistinctly]

[chuckles] Oh, God.

-Oh! Susan. -Maria! [chuckles]

[chuckles] Uh, what are you doing here?

Well, I took your advice. I talked to Mitch Vandermitch.

-Mmm. -And he loved my ideas.

-Oh. -I'm back in the show.

You mean he put your character back in the show.

Yeah, and guess who's playing her?

Uh, the great Laura Dern?

-The great me. [squeals] -Oh!

-[laughs] -Yeah! It's...

Okay, all right. Places, everybody. Let's settle.

-Can we stop the work? -[tool whirring]

Can we stop the fucking work?

-Thank you, Ryan. -[whirring stops]

Roll camera.

And action!

Ah! Maria, my queen.

Have you seen my new boots?

They're made of the finest of leathers.

Oh, Bruce, they're very fancy.

Mmm.

Ooh. Ooh. I love them, too.

Aw, they're so Sex and the City.

I'm Susan.

I'm Maria's best friend and I'm just single and...

[sighs] living in LA.

Gonna make a few mistakes. Gonna make a few friends.

And take care of this can of kooky cola. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Well... I...

Oh, for the life of me... I cannot remember the next line.

Um, where are we?

And cut! What the fuck, Maria? Didn't you get the goldenrod pages?

-No, I didn't. What are they? -Oh, wow. Is this her first show?

Yes, it is. I've primarily worked in voice-over.

Also, live shows on my lawn.

Just learn the fucking rewrite. I had my Jews working all night on it.

Hey, Karen, Andy, I've been her best friend since kindergarten,

so I'll just handle it, okay? Yeah.

Maria, get your head out of your keister and back into the game.

-[Maria] Okay. -This is not amateur hour, toots.

Just a heads-up on the notes from Mitch.

We're gonna tone down the whole mental illness part of the show...

"Oh, boo-hoo! I'm cuckoo."

It's a bummer, Maria, and it's really making America uncomfortable.

Besides, all of the mental health issues, they were covered by Monk.

Done. Shalhoub, shalom! You know?

Okay, well, that was... Wasn't that the main reason for my entire show?

Well, now the main reason is to restart the sun.

Now, come on! Make me proud, okay?

[laughs] Oh. Oh...

[Susan] Okay. All right. I think I got her back.

I gotta read those goldenrod pages.

-Hey, honey bunny. -Hey.

Oh, great new boots.

-Yeah, picked them up at the Americana. -Cool.

Uh, can I see a receipt?

-[Blueberry growls] -Maria... what's this about?

It's about $777.77.

-Scott, are you stealing from me? -[chuckles]

What... what are you talking about?

How well do we know each other, Scott?

You've three banks after you. One car repossessed.

You have 14 copies of St. Elmo's Fire!

-[Blueberry] Rob Lowe! -[Scott] Okay.

Look, Maria, I told you when we started dating that I was bad with money.

-But I'm not a thief. -Well, I don't know who to believe.

So, Scott, will you please produce a receipt for those boots?

Who saves receipts?

I do! In two separate labeled buckets!

Pleasure and business!

Okay.

You know what? I don't think I should stay here tonight.

I'm gonna sleep outside.

-In my new boots. -Okay.

-Come on, Blueberry. -[whines]

[sighs] Oh! So precious.

Oh, Bert, is this my destiny? Can I not live with other people?

[Bert] You've lived with me for years and I have virtually no complaints.

But maybe that's because we're constantly communicating.

We do the work.

We really do.

I'm just worried that we moved in too soon together.

I mean, how long are you supposed to wait?

[Bert] Maria, you cannot do the books on love.

Like Ronald Reagan says, "Trust, but verify."

Maybe there's a way to Gipper this. Huh!

[Bert] Cody Foster Wallace, cub reporter?

-Wanna go for a ride? -Always.

[Maria] Thanks for making time for me, Cody.

[Cody] I thought I might be seeing you again.

Did a little digging on my own during homeroom.

Juicy story.

At first, I thought Em Bezzler was your problem.

Is she not the problem?

And then I did a little more digging on this Scott guy.

Oh, God. No. Not Scott.

He's shit with money, but honest to the core.

[gasps] I knew it. I knew it.

So, who stole the money, Cody?

I think you're asking the wrong question.

You should be asking, "Is the money stolen?"

-What? -Check it out.

[fanfare playing]

I am the Great Zabrecko.

Behold hypno-pup.

[audience applauding]

Oh, my God. That's Evan and Em Bezzler.

She never told you how she and Evan met, did she?

Keep watching.

Focus your attention directly into hypno-pup's eyes. Do it now.

[audience gasping]

[audience applauding]

[gasps]

[audience gasps and applauds]

[audience gasps and continues applauding]

Now, when you wake, you will forget the number seven.

Wake. [snaps fingers]

You, miss. Please count your fingers for the audience.

Oh, um, okay.

One, two, three, four, five, six, eight, nine, ten, eleven. Eleven?

Ladies and gentlemen, hypno-pup.

[audience cheering and applauding]

So, Evan gives people extra fingers?

Close. Evan hypnotizes people into forgetting that the number seven exists.

Tough thing for a bookkeeper.

It's literally one-tenth of the numbers you need for numbers.

Wait a minute. So, that check that bounced was for $777.77.

An amount that would be virtually impossible

for Mrs. Bezzler to conceive of.

Oh, my God!

[echoing] Have you seen that movie Brides for Brothers?

You guys need anything? We're gonna go to the Eleven store.

We'll be back in six or eight minutes.

$777.77.

[echoes] How much?

It's all so clear now.

But how did Evan end up with Em Bezzler?

Well, Evan escaped from his abusive magician handler after the show.

Then Mrs. Bezzler just scooped him right up in her Camry.

This is first-rate junior journalism, Cody.

Oh, one more thing. Evan's name? It's not Evan.

It's Seven.

The number seven becomes Evan.

Seriously? Nothing?

Adults really do lose their sense of wonder.

Yeah. I'm... I'm 46.

-Thanks. -You're welcome, citizen.

Bert, what do you think? Do you think you can unhypnotize Emily?

[Bert] Well, I swore after that fiasco in Heidelberg,

I would never use my hypnotic powers ever again.

[man whispers] Heidelberg.

[Bert] But, maybe for you, I can make this exception.

[Em] Hmm. Water bottle... Oh! Water bottle over here.

[Bert] Ticky-ticky tu-tu, I am now in charge of you.

Emily, human, in this somnambulistic state,

I plant the suggestion in your subconscious mind

so that when you awake,

you will once again recognize the number seven.

Evan, canine, when I snap my paw,

you will no longer have the ability nor the desire to hypnotize anyone again.

And ticky-ticky tu-tu, everyone can see you.

You just made a poo-poo.

And snap. [snaps paw]

Mmm.

Hi, Seven.

Kisses for Seven. Kisses for Seven.

[gasps] Oh, you made a poo-poo.

Oh, so did I.

[chuckles]

Scott!

-I say, Scott! -[stutters] What? What's wrong?

Me. I'm all wrong.

It turns out Evan's been hypnotizing people into forgetting that sevens exist.

And that's why there is a mix-up in our checkbook balances.

And it's not your fault and it's not Emily's fault.

But it is Simon Cowell's fault for not making sure

the contestants were sufficiently unhypnotized

by the time they left the stage.

I am very sorry.

I did not trust you and I feel horrible.

You know what? I didn't trust you either.

I thought you'd stopped taking your meds and that you were getting sick again.

I was irritable... and defensive.

But those aren't always signs of hypomania.

They're normal human emotions, but I'm better now,

and I will never, ever doubt you again.

Oh, no, no. You should doubt me when it comes to money.

-Oh. -'Cause I am so shitty at it.

-Oh. -You know what? When I was a kid,

my dad used to steal my lawn mowing money from me.

So I learned to hide it away.

Probably on some level, I thought that

if I just never dealt with money, then no one could use it to hurt me.

-Holy shit. -Whoa!

I've never put that together before.

That's a breakthrough. That's an epiphanial.

That is the thing that 12-step programs are all about.

That's what we're doing. We're stepping together.

[chuckles] Yeah. You know what, Maria? I just, um...

I love you so much.

And I love that you love groups, but they're not for me.

That's your choice and I respect it.

And I love growth in all of its many forms and I always will.

Well, what do you think about this form?

Oh, wow. I'd like to co-sign that form

and I'll stick it in my receipt bucket, under "pleasure."

[chuckles]

[exclaims]

-Yeah! -[laughing]

[Bert] Ticky-ticky tu-tu.

[Blueberry] Don't even try it. I'm not shitting my pants.

[romantic song playing]

♪ Heartstrings ♪

♪ I'm pulling on your heartstrings ♪

♪ His eyes are pulling on Your heartstrings ♪

♪ Heartstrings ♪

[sighs]

♪ I'm pulling on your heartstrings ♪

♪ His eyes are pulling on Your heartstrings ♪

♪ Heartstrings ♪

♪ He's a hair-covered heartstring ♪

♪ A cute poo-loving heartstring ♪

♪ His balls smell like Fritos ♪

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