Original subtitles

[birds chirping]

[bell dings]

This feels just so right.

♪ Turkey leg, chicken leg, turkey leg Turkey, turkey, turkey leg ♪

♪ Chicken leg, chicken leg... ♪

-You sing that song a lot. -Sure do.

♪ Chicken leg, turkey leg ♪

♪ Chicken leg, turkey leg, chicken leg ♪

It's so fun, you know, just noticing all these things about you,

uh, now that we've lived together for seven-and-a-half days.

-I'm gonna go take a shower. -Don't take too long.

I won't, my cinnamon sugar boba bodkin.

♪ Turkey leg, chicken leg Turkey leg, chicken leg ♪

Whoa, that was fast.

We're in a drought, Scott.

It's not just the almond industry that needs to change its methods.

-You thirsty? -No, I think I'm good.

Okay.

Oh. Whoa. Ah, ah, ah. Oh.

[Bert] Why is she avoiding her pixilation?

[Blueberry] Because she's body positive.

Do you want a towel, maybe?

Don't need one. Drip dry. It's fun, and it's carbon neutral.

[Bert] It's my own personal slip and slide.

Whee!

-[raccoon chitters] -Oh, hey!

It's Randall, the raccoon I've been telling you about.

He's so cute.

Once I gave him this raspberry, and he rolled it around in his little hands.

And it was almost like he was trying to do close-up magic.

Maybe he was trying to pull rabies out of your ear.

Randall would never do that.

He's not that type of raccoon. He's totally cool.

You know you're not doing a wild animal any favors by feeding it, right?

Absolutely. Ugh.

I only gave him that one raspberry that one time.

Randall, I made it just for you.

You know what I'm thankful for? Your friendship.

Happy birthday, Randall. It's your favorite.

It's mollusk-oyster-sardine cake.

I'm so glad we had this... this talk.

[chuckles] Gotta go.

Whoo!

[theme music playing]

I'm a pterodactyl!

Corn!

Randall. Bandido magnifico!

Aye, aye, aye, aye.

Aye, aye, aye, aye!

Don't tell Scott.

And yet, there are no secrets in this family.

[chittering]

♪ Turkey leg, turkey leg, turk... ♪

What the fuck happened here?

Oh, shit.

That raccoon's in here, isn't he?

-[Bert] No comment. -[Blueberry] I'll tell you what happened.

[Bert] Zip it, princess.

Shit.

-Bruce, you wanted to see me? -Ah, yes. Come in, come in.

-All right. -Thank you so much for coming.

You look good. Beachy, one might even say.

Apparently, cohabitation agrees with my queen.

I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so lucky.

Living with Scott, my best friend.

And we just sing the same two words over and over again to different melodies.

Just over, and over, and over, and over, and over and over again.

[chuckles] I'm lucky. I'm very, very, very, very lucky.

Yes. Yes, absolutely.

Coupling up, extremely important. Absolutely.

But let us not forget the third wheels in this life,

for they are the wheels that give one stability.

Exhibit A, the glorious tricycle.

Bruce, you bought me a tricycle?

God, no. This is for me. It's mine.

Yes, Excelsior's been a real godsend to me since I had to give up the van.

Look, my therapist said I should just come out and say it.

-Are you firing me? -[chuckling] I'm not firing you, Bruce.

Oh, thank the Lord. [sighs] I'm so relieved.

I had this whole speech planned about third wheels and tricycles.

Yeah, I'm so sorry I haven't been in touch.

I'm finally in a healthy relationship, and my mentals are pretty stable.

And I just feel like I wanna spend time focusing on my personal life,

and even less focused on career than ever. [chuckles]

So, is this code that you want a movie?

Because Judd keeps calling. I mean, at least I think it's Judd.

I usually wind up just hanging up the phone out of fear.

Bruce, I really don't want a movie.

I just want a quiet life with just enough work.

I'm happy just the way I am.

Oh, sweet relief! You're just in love. That's all it is.

I understand. It robs people of all ambition.

Makes your blood lazy. I relate to that from my own life.

I remember I didn't change my bike shorts for almost two months.

It's pretty great. [laughs]

I'm lucky. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so lucky.

No movies, I understand. Post-it in place.

Great. Bruce, I'm so glad we had this talk.

Absolutely.

-[intercom beeps] -Chantrelle?

Red alert. We've gotta get Maria a movie. She's leaving me.

[Judd] Bruce, this is Judd. You know which one.

-Oh! -You've had me on hold for an hour.

[Maria] It felt good to be back on track with Bruce.

Taking care of me, my mind and body.

Oh, wait. What's this?

[breathes deeply]

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

[inhales deeply]

Are you sensing my aura?

It's quite different now, don't you think?

I guess. What, uh...

Um, how long is this gonna be taking? 'Cause I have...

I own my aura.

I own this town.

I also own a huge piece of Elon Musk's new streaming service Muskvision

as a settlement for my car accident.

You read about my car accident in the trades, right?

[Maria] I think so.

[Karen] I was heading home from the Westworld Season 3 premiere party.

You know what's at the center of that fucking maze? Boredom.

Anyway, my Tesla reminded me I was out of creamer,

so I sent my other Tesla to go get some at Gelson's.

Not that fucking gross one in West Hollywood. Ew!

The real nice one. It's on San Vicente.

Next thing I know, my motherfucking goddamn self-driving car

goes fucking Broken Arrow on me. What the fuck?

$100,000 piece of shit.

-[crashing] -[screaming] Fuck you, Elon Musk!

And I get creamed all over my face.

[sirens wailing]

[Maria] That's horrible. I'm so sorry.

It was a full-face shot. And now, I'm a changed woman.

I went full-on, wide-open-cunt spiritual.

-Oh, boy. -When I was in the hospital,

I thought to myself, "Who else got creamed like this?"

And one name popped right into my head: Maria motherfucking Bamford.

My body got creamed, just like your brain got creamed.

We're the same. Except that my scars are on the outside.

But I took aloe, and now they're gone.

I want us to work together again, Maria.

I want to tell the story of your fucking life

in bingeable fucking installments.

So, what do you say, Maria? Let's change the fucking world.

Here's how we do it. Minority directors. All-female crew.

You will shoot for four hours a day. Eight hours of napping.

Twelve cameras, six will be on dogs.

-Where's my fucking dog? -[dog barks]

-Meet Tucker. -[Maria] Oh!

Your new D-O-G-D-P. The D-O-G stands for "dog."

The D-P stands for "director of photography."

-Is he union? -Fuck yes!

-Okay. -This little rug pisser

was in a kill shelter. There was a needle in his neck.

Now he's a fucking teamster.

His brother Caramel was the Steadicam operator

for the pilot of Black-ish.

We will use recycled hard drives for the cameras.

Locally-sourced greens for craft services.

Ex-gang members will be running the day care center.

Your life story will be told with such tenderness and attentiveness

that we will end women's homelessness.

It will be so unbelievably inventive and groundbreaking in its comedy,

that alt-comedy Twitter will choke on its own jizz.

And here is the cherry on the streaming sundae.

We will focus on mental illness and we will destigmatize it forever!

-Yes! -[growls]

[screams and growls]

So, what do you say, Maria? Are you ready to change the world?

-Yes! -Fuck, yes!

I just ask one thing from you to show me that you are committed.

As I wear the sacred orange robes of Ooonga Lahnga,

I ask you to don a sartorial expression of your own power.

A business robe, if you will.

The most sacred Lady Blazer.

[blazer growls]

Oh...

Wait. So you're saying I can only save the world if I put this blazer on?

[blazer growls]

That's the idea, Jack.

How about it, Maria? Are you ready to Lady Blaze?

[inhales sharply]

[inhales sharply]

Uh...

Aw.

[blazer growls]

What's... What was that?

That's your blazer expressing its power. Now shut up.

[gasps]

[machine whirring]

What's happening?

Shut your fucking fat fucking mouth.

You're being scanned by Don Jr. He makes all decisions for Muskvision.

[Don Jr.] Your series idea has been approved.

You have received a 13-episode order. Congratulations, talent.

This content will fulfill many quadrants of our algorithm. Enjoy.

We haven't even pitched our idea yet.

Is this how streaming television works?

It does now, so shut your fucking fat genius mouth.

And what's the deal with that baby voice? It's horrible.

What else can you do?

[in fancy voice] The only other voice I can do is this one.

Jackpot! Titties to the sky! Namaste, motherfuckers!

Titties to the sky!

Titties to the sky. Namaste, motherfuckers!

[in baby voice] Namaste, motherfuckers.

Don't do that voice. Don't do the baby voice.

[in fancy voice] Namaste, motherfuckers.

Woo-hoo! Yeehaw!

Namaste, motherfucker.

[Don Jr.] Oh, yeah. Titties up.

Titties to the sky.

[laughs] We got ourselves a television show.

[laughs]

Here, kitty, kitty.

Raccoonie. Here, raccy, raccy.

Hi, bran muffin Bundt cake.

What are you doing? A little housekeeping?

[chuckles]

It seems like your little friend Randall, um,

got in the house and trashed the whole kitchen.

Oh, yeah? It doesn't look that bad.

No. Uh, maybe that's because, my little jelly jeans,

I've been spending the last three hours cleaning it.

Oh, thank you so much.

[both chuckle]

-It's my pleasure. -Yeah.

And now, if you have a couple of minutes,

I'd be really thankful if you can help me lure that raccoon out of here.

Absolutely, my Icelandic fudge pop. I know just the thing to lure him out.

Randall loves my sweet acoustic stylings.

[guitar strumming]

♪ Sunshine falls on your little paws ♪

♪ You like pizza, I like dogs ♪

♪ Except to eat, unless they're hot dogs ♪

He's not here. We're good.

You know what? [sighs] I don't think we're good.

-Maria, did you feed Randall today? -No-ish.

Really? I'd say yes-ish.

I smelled fajitas this morning.

I looked out the window and I saw you feeding him.

And now we have a raccoon problem.

I don't consider Randall a problem. He's my friend.

Look, that's absolutely insane, Maria.

And singing "turkey leg, chicken leg" all day isn't?

Hey, that's my mantra. By the way, I hate your drip dry.

-That's for the planet. -Hey, it takes way more energy

to fix the floors than it does to wash a towel.

[scoffs] Okay, Mother Jones.

We are getting rid of this raccoon,

'cause I'm not having that thing piss in my Cheerios.

Randall would never do that. He's a gentleman.

Well, this gentleman is about to move to the country.

And I'm gonna help him. He'll be way happier there.

You have no idea what would make Randall happy.

Mmm, well, eating, shitting, sleeping. He's a raccoon!

Okay. Randall's my friend.

And if you can't live with that, then I can't live with you!

Maria. Hey.

-Really? -Yes.

You're choosing the raccoon over me?

Yeah. He's tons of fun and has funny hands.

[Maria] I've never known how to fight in a relationship.

I guess that comes from growing up in the Midwest.

Thank you, Barb, so much for coming over.

So, here's the deal.

Maria has a project on women's lib

-in her social studies class. -Oh.

And so, since you are a wonderful Duluth lady entrepreneur,

I said, "Maria, you should talk to Barb.

Because besides her day job as a very successful Amway representative,

she's also volunteering to raise money

for the abused women's shelter's cake auction this weekend."

-And we sure hope to see you there, Maria. -Oh, unfortunately, she can't make it.

Her father insists that she go with him to that dang model train convention,

ChoochCon, or whatever the heck the name of it is.

-Boys and their toys. -[laughs]

Maria, go on. Busy lady.

Uh, how does working full-time affect your relationship with your husband?

Mmm, that's a mighty good question. Well, I'll tell you how, Maria.

There's less relationships happening in the bedroom.

When Rodge comes at me with that half-flaccid stink stick,

I say, "Hey, Rodge, get that thing out of my face,

put a sponge on it, and do the dishes, for criminy wickets. I'm tired from work."

[sardonic sitcom music playing]

[door opens]

-No more questions. -Oh. Okay.

Well, the old furniture's cleared out of the garage.

-Oh. -Marilyn, you can check that off

your honey-do list.

-Hey there, Joel. -[chuckles]

[sitcom music playing]

God, this one. You would think I asked him to cut off a limb.

[laughs] I know which limb I'd ask Rodge to cut off.

Ding-dong, who's there? Just ding. No more dong.

No argument. [chuckles]

[Marilyn] Joel, please, get a glass.

Jeez Louise! You'd think I had two kids, Maria and this one over here.

[laughs]

Well, I certainly do feel like I have a mother.

[sardonic music playing]

Well, I'll be in the garage, rearranging my tools if anybody needs me.

-Great to see you, Joel. -You too, Barb. My best to Rodge.

-For sure. -[door opens and closes]

-[Barb] Hmm. -[crashing]

-Oh, my God! -[oven dings]

Oh! French pizza bread's done, it sounds like.

Delicious. Can you get me some pop with that?

-Isn't this fun? -Yeah.

Can't wait to see Rod Carew's face when I present him

with these scale O model cabooses with his face and number painted on it.

I call 'em the Rod Caboo... Carew... The Rewd Caboose.

The Rod Carewboose.

-Aw, fudge nickels! -Dad, he's gonna love 'em.

-They're totally tubular to the max. -Thanks, kiddo.

I don't know what that means, but it sounds positive.

You know, I know how much these scale model trains mean to you,

and that's why I didn't bat an eye

when the ticket price skyrocketed to $13 apiece,

up from $12.50.

Dad, you shouldn't have wasted that money on me.

I could just go over to the cake auction with Mom.

[scoffs] Yeah, and have you miss your favorite day of the year?

Heck no. You know what I was thinking?

-Next year... -[gasps]

...send you up to model train camp in Baraboo. Huh?

What do you think about that, jellybean?

[distorted] Just six weeks of nothing but trains, trains, trains, and what else?

-Trains? -[normal] More trains.

Yeah! Just a lot of trains. [chuckles]

Dad, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

I... I don't really like trains.

[train whistle blows]

What? You always get so toot-toot-tootin' excited

every time ChoochCon chugs into town.

That's because you like trains,

and that means we get to spend the day together.

And I don't like trains. I just love you, Dad.

Well... [sniffles] I feel as silly as a billy goat.

You wanna head on over to that cake auction,

you just go right ahead.

That'd be totally awesome. [chuckles]

But let's go together. Mom will be so pumped.

No, you run along and have fun.

You know what, I'm proud of you. I'm proud you told me how you really feel.

You're a real women's libber.

-Thanks, Dad. -Mmm-hmm.

[laughs]

One in four women are victims of severe domestic violence.

-Ooh. -Could be me.

You know, that fella's gonna be a victim of Dad abuse.

[chuckles] The cycle of violence continues.

Sometimes it can't end.

-[Barb] And sold! -[all applauding]

Danke schön for Candy Coombs' German chocolate cake,

at a healthy $14.75.

Now, that is gonna buy a lot of bandages for our gals

who've taken it on the chin and elsewheres.

Maria, what a nice surprise.

-Thank you for joining me. -[Barb] Up next,

Marilyn Bamford's strawberry shortcake delight.

It's like a punch in the mouth.

Of flavor. And that's not a backhanded compliment.

And... hibbidy-dibbidy, hibbidy-dibbidy.

We've got Marilyn Bamford's strawberry shortcake.

Hibbidy-dibbidy. Do I see $1? $1?

Hibbidy-dibbidy, hibbidy-dibbidy. Nobody?

Hibbidy-dibbidy-dibbidy. 75 cents.

Hibbidy-dibbidy. 50 cents? 50 cents? Nobody?

Oh, my God. Nobody's bidding for her cake. I feel so terrible for her.

Oh, my God. That's awful. Uh, hibbidy-dibbidy-hibbidy. 12 cents?

No bid for Marilyn Bamford's cake that she worked so hard on all week?

-Oh, this is so embarrassing. -Hibbidy-dibbidy. No bid? No bid?

-No bid. No... no bid. -[all murmuring]

I guess this could be a pass. Hibbidy-dibbidy?

-$1.29. -[all gasp]

That's $1.29 from the great Rod Carew.

Hibbidy-dibbidy-hibbidy. Any other bidders?

Any other bidders? Okay. Going once, going twice--

[blowing whistle]

-Toot-toot! $4! -[all gasp]

-Whoa! Joel! -We've got ourselves a bidding war.

Hibbidy-dibbidy, hibbidy-dibbidy. Can I get five? Hibbidy-dibbidy.

-$5.29. -[Marilyn] Oh, my goodness!

$8!

-[screams] -Hibbidy-dibbidy!

-$15.29. -Hibbidy-dibbidy!

-$25! -Hibbidy-flippin'-dibbidy!

Pull out, Joel! This is suicide! You're headed straight for Rod Carew!

$329.29!

-Joel! -Hibbidy-dibbidy, going once.

Hibbidy-dibbidy, going twice. Hibbidy-dibbidy, sold!

[all applauding]

[blows]

Joel, you are my hero.

I'm sorry I gave you all that sass about cleaning out the garage

and taking Maria to ChoochCon. Can you forgive me?

I have 329 reasons and 29 cents to try.

[chuckles] Great. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go get my cake and eat it, too.

Joel.

-[Barb] Hey there, Joel. -[all applauding]

And I'm gonna give these to you later.

'Cause I heard you were a caboose guy. [chuckles]

[Maria] In that moment, my pa was the best pa in the whole world.

Papa!

Papa! Papa! [panting] I have your train whistle!

What's that, Papa?

Papa...

[groaning]

-Maria, you want some marriage advice? -What's that, Papa?

Never show your true feelings. Hide your anger.

And when you get a chance to unleash your rage, do it...

privately.

I shalls, Papa! I shalls!

[Maria] That advice would haunt me for years.

But luckily, Scott and I could talk about everything,

and I felt totally free to express how I felt to Judd Apatow.

"Chicken leg, turkey leg"?

Yeah, I can see how that could be annoying.

Thank you. [laughs]

Arbiter of all things right and Judd-st.

Anybody could've told you that. Church could've told you that.

-It's really annoying. -I know.

Remember when I told you I wasn't talking to you anymore?

-I know. -That's still happening.

My little brown Judd.

My Judd of Green Gables. My Juddsucker Proxy.

Maria, you're making me very uncomfortable.

-I know. -Why are you here?

Oh! Because... That's a great question.

-You're the king of all romantic films. -Mmm-hmm.

Especially ones that star blonde,

-kooky ladies like myself... -Mmm-hmm. Yes.

...who are dating a lovable schlub of a guy.

And so naturally, I thought you could solve my problem

the way you solve story problems in your love movies.

Maybe he has a condition. Nothing too serious.

Maybe something like gout. Maybe like gout.

-Who, Scott? -No, no, no.

We were talking about a movie before.

But she was talking about that thing, the lovable schlub thing.

We haven't done that in a while. Maybe it's animated, like Schlubbable.

Schlubbable. That sounds like a Pixar movie.

Like, I would go to that. Schlubbable. Right? We'll send that to Lasseter.

Then maybe in the movie, they learn how to do math or some shit,

so it's, like, a Disney thing.

Yeah, that's very good.

Okay, here's the thing.

Living with someone is hard. It's all about how you handle it.

I have a saying. "Embrace it to erase it."

Like, I hated needlepoint.

So, I had Church make this needlepoint pillow,

and now I don't mind anymore. I embraced it to erase it.

Now I got needlepoints everywhere.

-[Maria gasps] -That's the secret to life.

If you resist, it'll persist.

-Wow. -Needlepoint that.

Okay, so I just need to embrace the "chicken leg, turkey leg"?

Embrace it like you embrace that weird raccoon

that's eating the shit out of your whole house.

But seriously, don't feed raccoons. They look cute, but they will mess you up.

Mmm. Thank you so much, Judd.

I mean, once again, you've solved all my problems.

I would do anything to repay you.

Will you do a small part in my next movie?

With the greatest of love and deference,

-that's a no-torito. -What's a no-torito?

It's a "no" crossed with a Dorito. I haven't had lunch yet.

I love you so much, Judd--

-Just go eat. Just go eat. Go eat. -Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[screaming] I love you, Judd!

I think Schlubbable is a raccoon.

-Ah, that's good. -Yeah, a raccoon.

-Never seen that. -Yeah.

[Scott] I'm sure Randall's in here somewhere.

Yes! He's right here in the floor.

-Got it. -[Scott] Whoa, where did you...

-All right, here we go. -No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

All right.

What is it with women wanting to destroy hardwood floors?

What, you wanna keep the floor? Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

-You got some peanut butter? -Yeah.

Great. Hope it's chunky.

You're gonna take this peanut butter,

you're gonna spread it all over my titties,

and then you're gonna stand the fuck back.

'Cause raccoons cannot resist some peanut butter titties.

They also love it when you shove candy bars up your asshole.

Or at least that's what the candy store guy told me.

[chuckles] He's fun. Lots of ideas. Lots of ass-based ideas.

All right, where's the last place you saw him in this house

so I can calibrate these titties?

-I haven't actually seen him in the house. -What?

I saw Maria feeding him in the driveway this morning.

And then later, I saw the aftermath here in the kitchen.

You know, milk strewn all over the place, cereal bags torn open,

-chewed-up granola bars everywhere. -Front door wide open?

-Oh, shit. -Oh, shit.

[both] Oh, shit.

Uh, "shit," why?

-Your pest is Maria, dude. -Hard truth.

You know, she stayed with me one time.

I spent $370 trying to "get rid of the possum."

-You know what I mean? -It's not what you're thinking.

Look, she's never shared her space with another human as an adult.

She's basically like a skinny, hairless half-Sasquatch.

-So, Maria did this to the kitchen? -[Dagmar] Fuck yeah.

You should've seen what she did to my yurt.

Fur and feces everywhere.

Two baby wolves still in their placental sacks.

Actually, that time it could've been some kind of animal.

You guys, I really feel like we should ax this floor wide open, okay?

There's a spirit trapped in the foundation that wants to come out.

We're coming for you! It's a Civil War general.

[in Southern accent] General! We're coming for you!

♪ Turkey leg, chicken leg ♪

♪ Turk, turk, chick ♪

Maria, what are you doing?

♪ I'm embracing it and erasing it Like needlepoint ♪

And, I don't wanna force Randall on you.

If he needs to go to the country, he needs to go to the country.

It turns out that Randall doesn't need to go to the country. You do.

-What? -You're the raccoon, you giant maroon!

-[gasps] Aye, aye, aye, aye! -[whip cracks]

[Western music plays]

You wanna learn to put caps on things, like a human?

-Huh? Shut the door behind you? -[whip cracks]

-[gruffly] Aye, aye, aye, aye! -[whip cracks]

Yo soy la bandida? [gasps]

Okay, what's going on? I'm terrified.

-[whip cracks] -Ah!

You trashed the kitchen, Maria.

[gasps]

[crickets chirping]

[gruffly] Aye, aye, aye, aye!

-[whip cracks] -[Western music plays]

You're a filthy, wet animal.

But I love you. And I never wanna domesticate you.

Scott, that's beautiful.

But, correction, I am a very clean, wet animal.

Yeah, but you're filthy in the way you live.

-What are you doing? -[Larissa] Oh, my God!

He's gonna rape us! I told you this day would come.

[screaming]

Scott, the floors!

-You're messing them all up! -Fuck the floors!

So what if our house is messy and wild? Love is messy and wild.

And sure, the floors might get ruined, but who cares?

-[gasps] -As long as we're together.

[chitters]

-[screams] -Oh!

-Oh, hey, it's Randall! -He's really cute.

I told you you'd come around to Randall.

As long as he's out there and you're in here.

-[Randall] Thank God she found somebody. -[Peggy] Yeah, it's sweet.

[Randall] She's lucky Scott can cook, because her cooking sucks.

I only ate it to make her feel good.

Those fajitas this morning gave me the shits something awful. Ha!

I left that guy a hell of an art project in the middle of his studio, though.

[Peggy] Randall, you rascal.

[Uncle Bubba] I heard there was gonna be

some peanut butter on some motherfucking titties!

[both] Uncle Bubba!

Now, who wants to eat some garbage and fuck?

-[all laughing] -[studio audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[Peggy] You're hilarious.

[woman] Schlubbable, scene 26, take one. A mark.

[Judd] Okay, Schlubba, you're great at math, you're a raccoon,

and you love pie.

Let's rock this one, okay? Action.

All right, good, good. Yep. Yep, yep, very good.

All right, lick the grass. Lick it, lick it.

Now you're searching for the cure for gout.

No, no, no, wrong way. Wrong way. No, back to your mark.

No, no, not that way. No, Schlubba, not that way.

Let's reset. Let's reset. Ah, fuck. Cut!

[orchestral music playing]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0