All language subtitles for Lady Dynamite s01e09 No Friend Left Behind.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,314 --> 00:00:04,003 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:09,552 [indistinct conversations] 3 00:00:09,636 --> 00:00:11,137 I think I want to be funny. 4 00:00:11,221 --> 00:00:12,222 [Dagmar laughs] 5 00:00:12,305 --> 00:00:14,182 That's a good one. [chuckles] 6 00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:15,975 - [cell phone chimes] - [sighs] 7 00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:17,310 Oh, guys... 8 00:00:17,393 --> 00:00:19,270 Was it that Vaginismus guy again? 9 00:00:19,354 --> 00:00:20,355 Yeah, it's like... 10 00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:22,148 He wants to go for dinner. 11 00:00:22,232 --> 00:00:24,067 Well, what's wrong with that? 12 00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:26,152 You used to get excited when a guy would call you 13 00:00:26,236 --> 00:00:27,403 after riding the rails. 14 00:00:27,487 --> 00:00:30,156 Oh, yeah, like an old dirty hobo. 15 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:31,658 He's not my type of guy. 16 00:00:31,741 --> 00:00:33,034 You know, he's like, 17 00:00:33,117 --> 00:00:35,119 "You're great. I'd love to see you again." 18 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,789 I was like, "Oh, okay." What is that? 19 00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:39,082 Maybe he likes you. 20 00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:40,583 Huh? 21 00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:42,168 And maybe you like him? 22 00:00:42,252 --> 00:00:44,003 Maybe that's why you're freaked out. 23 00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:46,130 - Maybe not. Maybe I don't. - Maybe so. 24 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:49,676 Maybe I think about him a little bit, just in my dreams, though. 25 00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:52,595 And I've changed a couple of my passwords to "Scott" 26 00:00:52,679 --> 00:00:55,974 because it's the perfect number of letters for a password, 27 00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,309 S-C-O-T-T. 28 00:00:58,393 --> 00:01:01,271 But there's no... I have to stress pee. 29 00:01:01,396 --> 00:01:02,355 [laughs] Okay. 30 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:05,275 I think we should help her chill out. 31 00:01:05,358 --> 00:01:08,820 I saw this amazing thing on Anderson Cooper 360, 32 00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:11,489 AC360 for those of us within the Coop Troop. 33 00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:13,283 It was like a meme... 34 00:01:13,366 --> 00:01:15,451 meets a prank/trend. 35 00:01:15,535 --> 00:01:18,079 Why do you insist on behaving like I'm your friend? 36 00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:19,747 Okay, here's what we do, right? 37 00:01:19,831 --> 00:01:22,333 We grab a phone when the friend is not looking, 38 00:01:22,417 --> 00:01:25,586 we scroll through their contacts, randomly select one person, 39 00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:28,548 and we text them, "How ya doing?" [laughs] 40 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,591 Oh, my God. I'm gonna do it. 41 00:01:30,675 --> 00:01:32,093 Will you keep a look out? 42 00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:34,971 - I'm not even listening. - Let's pick a funny name... 43 00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,973 - [grumbling] - ...and send, "How ya..." 44 00:01:37,056 --> 00:01:38,057 Think it has an apostrophe? 45 00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,852 - Oh, she's coming. Ah! - [cell phone chimes] 46 00:01:43,563 --> 00:01:46,316 Did you have fun in the bathroom? 47 00:01:46,399 --> 00:01:47,483 There was a line. 48 00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,527 Okay. [laughing] 49 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,196 - Oh, God! - Why's she laughing so much? 50 00:01:53,573 --> 00:01:56,909 I don't know. I tune her out. I definitely recommend it. 51 00:01:56,993 --> 00:01:58,202 [cell phone chimes] 52 00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:59,954 - Look. - Oh, God. 53 00:02:01,748 --> 00:02:03,833 Why is Jill Kwatney-Adelman texting me? 54 00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:07,420 You just got "How ya doin'?" done! 55 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:09,464 [laughing] That's what's happened. 56 00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:12,717 - It came out of nowhere. - Larissa, you did this? No, no. 57 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,093 I did it, I did it. 58 00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:17,221 Jill Kwatney-Adelman and I had a huge blowout. 59 00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,723 She hates me. 60 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:22,060 She's not gonna wanna get a "How you doin'?" from me. 61 00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:25,605 Well, you're a comedian, so I thought you loved laughter. 62 00:02:25,688 --> 00:02:29,609 She is the one person on my contact list who is a problem. 63 00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,611 Anybody else, like... 64 00:02:31,694 --> 00:02:34,614 like, Angela would have been... No. Okay. 65 00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:36,741 Or Solange... Okay, well... 66 00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:39,535 Amy, or, Sar... Joy... Jen... Bri... Sue... 67 00:02:40,370 --> 00:02:42,705 No. Okay, Amy. 68 00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:44,582 - Did I just mention her? - Yeah. 69 00:02:44,666 --> 00:02:47,043 Okay, that... that wasn't right. Jesus. 70 00:02:47,126 --> 00:02:51,464 My contact list is a minefield of shattered relationships. 71 00:02:52,465 --> 00:02:54,467 [theme music playing] 72 00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:05,353 [Maria] I'm a pterodactyl. 73 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:08,815 [Maria] Thanks for seeing me, Karen. 74 00:03:08,898 --> 00:03:10,858 I'm worried I've ruined all my friendships. 75 00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:12,819 - Friendships don't last. - [gasps] 76 00:03:13,403 --> 00:03:15,863 The only friendship you need to be concerned with 77 00:03:15,947 --> 00:03:18,866 is the one with the gal in the mirror. 78 00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:19,826 Hmm, okay. 79 00:03:19,909 --> 00:03:21,619 - Let me ask you something. - Mmm-hmm? 80 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:25,456 How would you feel if you got a "How you doin'?" from yourself? 81 00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:27,959 That would throw me. 82 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,710 - Good, be confused. - Yeah. Yeah. 83 00:03:29,794 --> 00:03:32,130 - Sit with it. - Well, that's great, um... 84 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,965 but I'm just worried, 'cause like, 85 00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:37,135 the only two friends who will still be friends with me 86 00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:38,970 are Dagmar and Larissa. 87 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:40,722 Yeah, because you're bipolar 88 00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,473 and you're hard to stay friends with. 89 00:03:42,557 --> 00:03:44,726 People are just gonna fall by the wayside. 90 00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:45,810 And that's life... 91 00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:46,853 for you. 92 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:47,937 Oh. 93 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:51,691 - Get to know it. - Okay. 94 00:03:51,774 --> 00:03:53,943 I'm actually bipolar II, which means... 95 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:56,362 That you're twice as hard to stay friends with... 96 00:03:56,446 --> 00:03:57,280 than normal. 97 00:03:57,363 --> 00:03:58,698 You know what they say, 98 00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:01,325 "Bipolar, bye-bye friends." 99 00:04:01,993 --> 00:04:03,119 Do they say that? 100 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,163 I think they probably wouldn't to your face, 101 00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,914 but they'd say it to their real friends. 102 00:04:06,998 --> 00:04:09,125 I think that would be funny for all of them. 103 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:10,209 [Maria] Oh... 104 00:04:11,461 --> 00:04:14,380 Maybe I should make things right with Jill Kwatney-Adelman. 105 00:04:14,464 --> 00:04:17,175 Maybe this is a part of my road to wellness, 106 00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:19,761 to reconnect, to try again. 107 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:23,055 - Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. - Yeah? 108 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,808 Everyone's coming from a different place... 109 00:04:25,892 --> 00:04:27,977 From those places come different feelings. 110 00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,730 I need to get in touch with those people 111 00:04:30,813 --> 00:04:32,440 and their feelings. 112 00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:37,737 And then I'll never leave another friend behind, you know? 113 00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:39,947 I'll call it, "No friend left behind." 114 00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:42,408 What did you just say? 115 00:04:42,492 --> 00:04:44,535 No friend left behind. 116 00:04:44,619 --> 00:04:47,413 That is very good. That is... very good. 117 00:04:48,039 --> 00:04:51,751 [chuckles] Does it give you insight into my psyche? 118 00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,002 Oh, fuck, no. [laughs] 119 00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:57,215 You're just a locked vault of inscrutable personality defects. 120 00:04:57,799 --> 00:05:00,843 But... I'm looking for a title for my new book. 121 00:05:00,927 --> 00:05:03,763 - Okay. - I've also been looking for content, so... 122 00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:06,641 boom! Big day for Mrs. Me. [laughs] 123 00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:08,059 [kisses] Yeah. 124 00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:10,728 - That's great. - "No friend left behind." 125 00:05:10,812 --> 00:05:12,605 - We're done. - Okay. 126 00:05:12,688 --> 00:05:14,899 [Maria] I decided to put "No friend left behind" 127 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,735 into action and reach out to Jill Kwatney-Adelman. 128 00:05:17,819 --> 00:05:20,988 Yes, I know. She might be angry. Don't take it personally, 129 00:05:21,072 --> 00:05:23,199 she's not mad at you. 130 00:05:23,282 --> 00:05:25,409 - [whispers] Oh, God. - [Jill] Maria? 131 00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:29,080 Maria fucking Bamford? 132 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:34,377 Oh, my goodness! It's Jill Kwatney-Adelman! 133 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,087 Actually, it's Jill Kwatney now. 134 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,547 [growls] 135 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:38,839 Oh, okay. 136 00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:40,299 - JK. - [Maria chuckles] 137 00:05:41,092 --> 00:05:42,760 "JK," so, you're kidding? 138 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,804 Why would I kid about my divorce? 139 00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:47,306 Those are my initials, asswipe. 140 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,850 Okay, bad start. 141 00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:51,519 Rewind. 142 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,937 [imitates tape rewinding] 143 00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:54,730 [imitates baby crying] 144 00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:57,817 Oh, too far back. 145 00:05:57,900 --> 00:05:59,026 Fast forward. 146 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:02,029 [in an old woman's voice] I'm an old woman now. 147 00:06:02,113 --> 00:06:03,739 The singularity. 148 00:06:03,823 --> 00:06:06,492 I am fusing with all time and space. 149 00:06:06,576 --> 00:06:07,743 [imitates tape rewinding] 150 00:06:07,827 --> 00:06:09,120 [in normal voice] I'm here! 151 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:10,788 Hi, how are you? 152 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:14,292 Jill? Gosh, it's just so crazy... 153 00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:16,961 What're you doing here? [laughs] 154 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,254 I'm herding sheep. 155 00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:19,880 Oh! 156 00:06:19,964 --> 00:06:22,216 - Everybody knows I herd sheep. - [laughs] 157 00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:25,344 Oh, well, no, but, that's so funny. 158 00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:30,600 I'm here with Bert for the exact same activity. 159 00:06:30,683 --> 00:06:31,976 - Really? - Mmm-hmm. 160 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,145 You're gonna herd sheep with a pug? 161 00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,272 I am. 162 00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:38,024 It seems pretty funny to me 163 00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:40,693 that I get a weird text from you, out of the blue, 164 00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:42,403 after not speaking to you in forever. 165 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,113 And then, boom! 166 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,948 Here you are, 167 00:06:46,032 --> 00:06:49,160 just "running into me" at the one activity you know I love 168 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:51,621 that you previously had zero interest in. 169 00:06:51,704 --> 00:06:54,457 Yeah... yeah... 170 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,251 - yeah... - [buzzer sounds] 171 00:06:57,335 --> 00:06:59,086 Well, it's time for my class, 172 00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:00,463 that's if you're taking the class, 173 00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:03,049 not fucking me in the face with your bullshit. 174 00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:04,884 I am taking the class 175 00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:08,679 and I am not fucking you in the face at all. 176 00:07:09,639 --> 00:07:10,723 Neither is Bert. 177 00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:11,974 [barks] 178 00:07:12,058 --> 00:07:15,519 [announcer over PA] Next up, Jill Kwatney and Rusty. 179 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,355 Rusty, go! 180 00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:18,648 [Jill] Attaboy! 181 00:07:18,731 --> 00:07:20,024 Round those bitches up! 182 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,568 - [sheep bleating] - Hee-yah! Hee-yah! 183 00:07:22,652 --> 00:07:24,028 [softly] Oh, she's good. 184 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,988 - Rusty, come by! Come by, boy. - [barks] 185 00:07:26,072 --> 00:07:27,198 Away! 186 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:28,157 Shake that ass! 187 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,533 [sheep bleating] 188 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,910 That's my lovemaker. 189 00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:33,329 Take notes, Bert. Take notes. 190 00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:34,914 [panting] 191 00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,874 - [Rusty barking] - Get her, Rusty. 192 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,126 Get her. 193 00:07:39,752 --> 00:07:41,295 You got a bogey to the left. 194 00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:43,130 Wake the fuck up, Rusty! Come on! 195 00:07:43,214 --> 00:07:44,548 Good boy, Rusty. 196 00:07:45,758 --> 00:07:48,844 - That's my man! - Oh, brother. 197 00:07:48,928 --> 00:07:51,013 That'll do. That's my boy. 198 00:07:51,097 --> 00:07:52,932 Kisses. Ahh... 199 00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:56,102 [Jill chuckles] 200 00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:57,353 All right, Bamford, 201 00:07:58,187 --> 00:07:59,563 let's see what you got. 202 00:08:01,232 --> 00:08:04,318 [whispering] Bert, I want you to look deeply into your soul 203 00:08:04,402 --> 00:08:07,989 and if you have even an ounce of sheep herder within you... 204 00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:11,033 [breathes deeply] pull it out now. 205 00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:13,661 Pull it out. 206 00:08:14,954 --> 00:08:16,414 [laughing] 207 00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:24,296 [bleating] 208 00:08:28,426 --> 00:08:30,094 [buzzer sounds] 209 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,470 [nervously] Go, Bert. 210 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:33,347 [Bert barking] 211 00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:39,979 [gasps] 212 00:08:40,855 --> 00:08:42,398 Holy shit-fucker. 213 00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:48,112 Go, Bert, go! 214 00:08:52,158 --> 00:08:54,118 [gasps] That's one impressive fuck. 215 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,870 He's magic! 216 00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:05,379 - Oh! - [crowd applauding] 217 00:09:05,463 --> 00:09:07,923 That'll do, Bert! 218 00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:09,842 [whispers] That'll do. 219 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:14,055 That's the worst sheep herding I've ever seen. 220 00:09:14,764 --> 00:09:15,765 Huh? 221 00:09:15,848 --> 00:09:17,266 JK! 222 00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:20,144 Just kidding. Your dog is fantastic! JK! 223 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,480 [laughs] Wait, you're kidding again? 224 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:24,732 No, I initialed my approval as a sign of sincerity. 225 00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:27,068 - [both laughing] - Wow! 226 00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:29,779 God, today is such a gift. 227 00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:32,531 Maria, I know we've had our differences, 228 00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:34,241 but this dog is something else. 229 00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:37,119 I could train you and I could take you 230 00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:39,455 all the way to nationals. 231 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:40,539 Oh... 232 00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:43,000 Which isn't far because it takes place here, 233 00:09:43,084 --> 00:09:43,959 in my home ring. 234 00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:46,295 - Okay. - The real ponderable is... 235 00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:47,379 Mmm-hmm? 236 00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:51,509 Are you prepared to propel this pug to the pinnacle of his pooch profession? 237 00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:54,178 I am. Proudly. 238 00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:57,640 [both screaming and giggling] 239 00:09:58,474 --> 00:10:01,227 It's so crazy how we're so close now. 240 00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:03,187 - [Jill] I know. - Come here. Oh... 241 00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:04,522 - [screaming] - Oh, God! 242 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:08,359 [Maria] I guess you're wondering how this relationship got off track. 243 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,319 Oh, listen to this, hun-bun bear. 244 00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:13,572 Oprah and Gayle are gonna go to outer space 245 00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:15,616 and, you know, maybe... 246 00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:17,785 try and broadcast a show from there. 247 00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:19,245 Oh. 248 00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:22,039 Would you go into outer space if you had the chance? 249 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:25,000 Yes. 250 00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:28,754 [Jill] Knock, knock, special delivery. Fun on four legs. 251 00:10:28,838 --> 00:10:30,840 [Marilyn] Hi, Jill. 252 00:10:30,923 --> 00:10:32,675 Oh, you are such a good friend. 253 00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:35,886 You're just like your mom, God rest her soul. 254 00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:38,180 She didn't see that hockey puck coming, did she? 255 00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:40,516 And look at that! 256 00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:43,602 You brought that sweet, precious Dusty with you. 257 00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,354 Maria just loves your dog. 258 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:48,482 Well, that's not Dusty. We had to put Dusty down. 259 00:10:48,566 --> 00:10:52,069 Well, he did it himself. I put a gun and some pills in his crate... 260 00:10:52,153 --> 00:10:53,696 - and he did the rest. - Really? 261 00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:57,116 This is Rusty. She's a genetic clone of Dusty. 262 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:58,993 All the good parts, none of the diarrhea. 263 00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:01,537 Well, look at you, playing God. 264 00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:04,665 I think I'm gonna go to the cafeteria... 265 00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,917 and get Rusty some Jell-O. 266 00:11:07,585 --> 00:11:09,086 - Have a seat. - [Jill] Thank you. 267 00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:13,257 - All right, I'll be right back. - All right. Rusty, away. 268 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,135 How are you? 269 00:11:16,886 --> 00:11:18,429 I don't wanna live anymore. 270 00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,264 Oh, I heard that. 271 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,682 So, listen... 272 00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,226 I was reading about depression and mental illness 273 00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:25,769 in my latest issue of Bark. 274 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,897 And it turns out that the human brain 275 00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,815 is more like a dog's brain than people think. 276 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:34,236 Let me try something that I do with my dogs before we compete. 277 00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:38,824 Who's a good boy? 278 00:11:38,908 --> 00:11:41,243 [gasps] Who wants num-nums? 279 00:11:41,327 --> 00:11:42,328 Who's gonna get it? 280 00:11:43,829 --> 00:11:45,414 [blows dog whistle] 281 00:11:46,248 --> 00:11:47,875 - Away! - [barking] 282 00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:51,086 So how do you feel now? 283 00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:52,630 Like I want to kill myself. 284 00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,006 Oh, still? 285 00:11:55,049 --> 00:11:56,050 [sighs] 286 00:11:57,176 --> 00:11:58,177 Okay, fine. 287 00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,970 If you don't want to be happy... 288 00:12:00,054 --> 00:12:03,557 I will give you my permission to... 289 00:12:03,641 --> 00:12:04,642 let go. 290 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,144 You just say the word 291 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,563 and I will leave you alone with Rusty. 292 00:12:09,647 --> 00:12:12,107 She's worked hospice before. She knows what to do. 293 00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:14,860 [inhales deeply] Okay. 294 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,448 You won't feel a thing. It'll take about an hour. 295 00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:25,996 Rusty, lights out. 296 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:32,461 [Maria] Rusty made several attempts to kill me. 297 00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:34,880 It proved to me, not that I wanted to live, 298 00:12:34,964 --> 00:12:37,091 but that I didn't want to be killed by a dog. 299 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:38,634 I have Jill to thank for that. 300 00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:41,762 Can you believe this dingleberry, not two months ago, 301 00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,639 was lying in the hospital all like, 302 00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:46,100 "I don't want to live. I want to kill myself." 303 00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,602 Now look at her. Having a drink, enjoying the nightlife. 304 00:12:48,686 --> 00:12:51,271 - [Maria chuckles] - Aren't you glad yours truly, JK, 305 00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:54,358 kicked your ass and said, "Get the H up, girl! Get it!" 306 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,944 [laughing] I herded her out of death's corral. 307 00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,863 Get it! Come by! Away! [laughing] 308 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,032 That's shepherd talk. 309 00:13:02,992 --> 00:13:05,494 Ooh, look at my hot-as-shit husband over there. 310 00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:08,372 Norm Adelman. Mmm, mmm, mmm. He's a good boy. 311 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,833 - Mmm-hmm. - He's a real good boy. 312 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:13,460 Maybe one day you'll get someone to put a ring on it. 313 00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:16,046 - Yeah... - [clicks tongue] Hardware. JK. 314 00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:18,590 Oh, yeah. Norm's pretty great. He's great. 315 00:13:18,674 --> 00:13:20,259 Married nine years next month. 316 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:21,677 - Oh... - Remember our wedding? 317 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,637 Yeah, so fun! 318 00:13:23,721 --> 00:13:24,972 Remember you never got us a present? 319 00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,598 I feel horrible about that. 320 00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:29,059 Yeah. Not horrible enough to make it right. 321 00:13:29,143 --> 00:13:30,436 - Oh, okay. - [chuckles] 322 00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:33,772 Oh, my shit. There's my crush. 323 00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:35,149 Ho! 324 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,317 - Who? - His name's Todd. 325 00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:39,528 He works at Aetna with Norm. 326 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,612 He's pretty cute. 327 00:13:40,696 --> 00:13:42,614 One time he was playing tennis with Norm 328 00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:44,450 and he lunged in for a drop shot 329 00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:47,703 and totally turkey-eyeballed me. [scoffs] 330 00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:50,748 Know what I mean by turkey-eyeballed? 331 00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:52,624 No. 332 00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:54,126 His balls came out of his shorts. 333 00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:55,210 Okay. 334 00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,380 - I got to go wizzle my dizzle. - Okay, yeah. 335 00:14:01,050 --> 00:14:03,135 - Hello, Todd. - Hey. 336 00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:04,219 [Todd] Beer. 337 00:14:08,474 --> 00:14:09,725 You sure like chips. 338 00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,645 What? Oh. 339 00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:15,147 Yeah, sorry. 340 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,398 This... 341 00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:20,736 Sometimes I eat compulsively when... I feel anxious. 342 00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:23,864 I'm Todd. I work with Norm. 343 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,492 I'm Maria. I'm friends with Jill. 344 00:14:26,575 --> 00:14:28,494 I just got out of a mental hospital. 345 00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:30,704 Makes sense if you're friends with Jill. 346 00:14:30,788 --> 00:14:31,914 [laughs] 347 00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:33,916 [muffled] That's funny. 348 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,377 You wanna go out sometime? 349 00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:38,379 What? [stutters] With me? 350 00:14:38,462 --> 00:14:39,755 Like on a date? 351 00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:43,675 Yeah? Yeah. [laughs nervously] 352 00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:45,552 Cool, I'll get your number. I'll call ya. 353 00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:46,720 Very cool. 354 00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:51,100 [chuckling] 355 00:14:53,394 --> 00:14:54,645 Do you have a new asshole? 356 00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:55,938 What? 357 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:59,149 If you don't, I'm gonna buy you one so I can rip it for you. 358 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,694 - [kicks counter] - I had dibs on Todd. 359 00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:04,738 What... You can't have dibs, you're married. 360 00:15:04,822 --> 00:15:07,741 Shh! Don't say that. My husband is right there. 361 00:15:07,825 --> 00:15:09,410 Dibs are dibs, asswipe. 362 00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:11,036 Consider this a friendship ender. 363 00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:13,414 Wait, you're just... 364 00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:15,666 You're gonna call off our friendship? 365 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,043 Yeah, I am. Friendship over. 366 00:15:18,127 --> 00:15:21,088 If my husband asks, it's because of the wedding present 367 00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:22,714 that you never gave us. 368 00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,093 Goodbye, ex-friend. 369 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,555 I hope you enjoy getting your butt fingered by Todd. 370 00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:30,639 Norm! 371 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:31,723 Away. 372 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,314 They're my ride. 373 00:15:42,151 --> 00:15:44,403 [Maria] God, life's so quirky, you know? 374 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,989 [stutters] I decided to herd with Bert. 375 00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:48,740 Then boom, you know, I see you. 376 00:15:48,824 --> 00:15:51,702 It's like the universe doesn't want us to not be friends. 377 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:55,456 Whoa, look at that pretzel bread sandwich. 378 00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,207 Mmm, I want that so bad. 379 00:15:57,916 --> 00:15:59,751 You should get it. You deserve it. 380 00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:01,003 Oh, I can't. 381 00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:03,130 - I have celiac disease. - Oh. 382 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,841 - [imitates whooshing] Whoop. - Oh. 383 00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,885 - That's the sign for celiac. - Ah. 384 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,387 Gluten-free since 2003. 385 00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:12,264 - Raise the roof. - [man] Fuck you. 386 00:16:12,347 --> 00:16:14,600 I didn't... I had no idea. I didn't know. 387 00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:16,602 Well, we haven't really had any... 388 00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:18,812 Boy, that sandwich does look good. 389 00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:21,315 I think I'm gonna get it. [chuckles] 390 00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:24,151 - I have a gift for you. - [gasps] 391 00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,528 - What? - Yeah. It's your wedding gift. 392 00:16:26,612 --> 00:16:29,406 - I didn't... Yeah. - [gasps] Thank you. 393 00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:30,866 Congratulations. 394 00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:32,451 - Oh. - I'm sorry that I didn't 395 00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:35,204 give it to you before your divorce. 396 00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,582 Oh, it's okay. It's never too late to get a present. 397 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:39,958 [chuckling] 398 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,419 It's a pizza stone. 399 00:16:42,503 --> 00:16:44,505 Do you hate it? Oh... 400 00:16:44,588 --> 00:16:46,715 Oh, God! Oh! 401 00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:51,428 I can't believe you can sit here and shove that pretzel bread in my face! 402 00:16:52,221 --> 00:16:54,181 The only thing I'm more allergic to than wheat 403 00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,266 is your gluten-covered bullshit! 404 00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:59,853 It's you and Todd Swain-Villagatos all over again! 405 00:16:59,937 --> 00:17:03,941 And then you had the balls to get me a pizza stone? 406 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,693 How many ways can you offend me with bread? 407 00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:09,947 You're like the Viet Cong of celiac! And this is your... 408 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:11,490 Bread Offensive! 409 00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,410 [Maria mumbling] 410 00:17:18,956 --> 00:17:21,250 Hey... No friend left behind! 411 00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:22,501 - What? - Yes. 412 00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:26,421 I am so sorry, Jill. I don't know what I was thinking. 413 00:17:26,505 --> 00:17:28,632 You are totally right. 414 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:34,179 [stutters] I was very, very selfish in ordering this pretzel bread sandwich. 415 00:17:34,263 --> 00:17:36,306 Sometimes my blood sugar gets low 416 00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,559 and I don't think straight. 417 00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:42,271 Hmm, that sounded like it started as a true apology, 418 00:17:42,354 --> 00:17:44,690 - but now I'm hearing excuses. - Okay. 419 00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:46,900 You're right. You're right. 420 00:17:46,984 --> 00:17:49,403 What I did was inexcusable. 421 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:52,656 Our friendship is worth so much more to me 422 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,366 than any pretzel bread. 423 00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:55,617 And? 424 00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:57,202 I'm sorry... 425 00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:58,495 And? 426 00:17:58,579 --> 00:17:59,955 I love you? 427 00:18:02,457 --> 00:18:03,292 And? 428 00:18:03,375 --> 00:18:06,628 I... am ready to herd sheep! 429 00:18:06,712 --> 00:18:08,046 That's the sign of a champion. 430 00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,173 - Oh! [sighs] Oh... - And a friend. 431 00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:11,967 - A champion friend. - Okay. 432 00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,635 - [both laugh] - I herd that. 433 00:18:13,719 --> 00:18:14,928 - [both laughing] - What? 434 00:18:15,012 --> 00:18:16,597 You herd? [laughs] 435 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,932 - You herd that? - [both laughing] 436 00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:21,518 Friendship, that's all that matters. 437 00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,062 [Maria] No friend left behind. 438 00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:25,689 That was the answer. 439 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,275 If only I had known that in the past. 440 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:31,737 I love my new Maria Bamford Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot. 441 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,488 It combines my two favorite things: 442 00:18:33,572 --> 00:18:35,449 jogging and peppers. 443 00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,659 Sometimes I just need to do this. 444 00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:39,119 [whirring] 445 00:18:39,202 --> 00:18:40,454 [crunching] 446 00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:42,414 Mmm! 447 00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:46,001 Oh, I'm sorry... Hey, can we... 448 00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,629 Can we stop for a second? 449 00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:49,921 - I can't breathe. - [man] Cut! 450 00:18:50,005 --> 00:18:52,132 I'm getting pepper seeds down in my lungs. 451 00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:53,216 - Okay. - [Bruce] Maria. 452 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,509 Bruce? 453 00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:56,219 You're banned from this lot. 454 00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,304 Oh, fuck me. 455 00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,431 - How did you get past security? - All I had to do... 456 00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:01,433 - was slip by this one... - [grunts] 457 00:19:01,516 --> 00:19:02,976 Oh, God, Bruce! No, wait. 458 00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:04,686 I know him. Don't touch him! 459 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,897 He's been on a shit cruise. Yeah. 460 00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:08,857 Oh, Bruce. [panting] 461 00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:10,776 Bruce, are you alive? 462 00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:11,860 - I'm okay. - Okay. 463 00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,028 - It's fine. - Okay, good. 464 00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:15,447 Barbara used to run me over with her car. 465 00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,158 Billy Shatner taught me how to roll with the impact. 466 00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:20,702 [Karen] Well, well. Here we go again. 467 00:19:20,786 --> 00:19:23,455 Johnny Shit Cruise Sequoia Fucker just came 468 00:19:23,538 --> 00:19:25,499 out of the sea to drag you back to his shit ship. 469 00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,959 What're you doing with that monkey on your back? 470 00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:32,297 It's not a monkey. It's a Maria Bamford Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot! 471 00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:34,091 [Pepper-bot speaks] [Karen] The only monkey 472 00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:36,176 on her back is you, Bruce. 473 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,511 Fuck off, tree! 474 00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:38,804 Shrub, actually. 475 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,180 You never fed me peppers. 476 00:19:40,263 --> 00:19:42,641 I'm a mogul. I'm a brand! 477 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,976 I'm a tastemaker, I'm a pacemaker. 478 00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:47,437 - Preach! - I'm an earthquaker, I'm J. Lo. 479 00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:49,231 - Better than that. I'm M. Lo. - Word! 480 00:19:49,314 --> 00:19:50,691 - Better than that, I'm M. Bam. - Word. 481 00:19:50,774 --> 00:19:52,943 I'm better than that, I'm Bam, Bam, Bam... 482 00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,320 Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam... 483 00:19:55,404 --> 00:19:57,072 - [Maria continues] - Listen to the biotch. 484 00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:59,282 Listen to my biotch. 485 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:01,451 [Maria and Pepper-bot] Bam, Bam, Bam... 486 00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:03,537 She's really funny, right? 487 00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:06,623 Bam. I keep getting better. God! 488 00:20:06,707 --> 00:20:07,833 Suck it, life! 489 00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,710 Maria, you're talking way too fast. 490 00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:11,420 You're really getting me scared. 491 00:20:11,503 --> 00:20:13,672 - Are you okay? - Well, I'm okay. 492 00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,757 I'm more than okay. You're the tree. 493 00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:17,718 I'm a shrub. 494 00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:20,971 Look at you, just out there thinking about yourself. 495 00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:22,055 Just like trees! 496 00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:25,392 This is what you do. You play the sympathy card. 497 00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,560 You're a manipulator. 498 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:28,645 That's why Kindler stays. 499 00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:31,022 That's why Barbara stays. 500 00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:32,941 On that point, allow me to correct you. 501 00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:34,776 - Barbara has not stayed. - [Karen] Know what? 502 00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:37,446 You should just change your name to Boo-hoo-ruce. 503 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,532 Boo-hoo-ruce! 504 00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:42,784 Boo-hoo-ruce! 505 00:20:42,868 --> 00:20:44,745 Boo-hoo-ruce! 506 00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:48,081 [all chanting] Boo-hoo-ruce! Boo-hoo-ruce! 507 00:20:48,165 --> 00:20:50,876 Boo-hoo-ruce! Boo-hoo-ruce! 508 00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:53,920 - [chanting continues] - You know, I had this exact dream. 509 00:20:54,546 --> 00:20:57,048 I'm standing here, dressed like a shrub, 510 00:20:57,132 --> 00:21:00,177 being openly derided by a group of my betters. 511 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,887 [chanting continues] Boo-hoo-ruce! 512 00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:02,971 [Pepper-bot] Boo-hoo-ruce! 513 00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:05,182 - Boo-hoo-ruce! - [chanting stops] 514 00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:07,517 So that's it, Maria? 515 00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:09,978 We're over? 516 00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,563 Friendship and all? 517 00:21:11,646 --> 00:21:13,398 [voice trembling] Yes, Bruce. 518 00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,400 We're over. 519 00:21:15,484 --> 00:21:16,485 [sighs] 520 00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,946 I'll always cherish you. 521 00:21:21,490 --> 00:21:22,574 [straining] 522 00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:26,661 - [muffled crying] - You don't need him. 523 00:21:26,745 --> 00:21:28,413 - You're one of us now. - Okay. 524 00:21:28,497 --> 00:21:30,040 I'm proud of you. 525 00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:33,960 I'm proud of you, too. 526 00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:36,671 - Come here. Come here. - Okay. 527 00:21:36,755 --> 00:21:38,548 - [grunts] - Ow. 528 00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:45,514 [Maria] Bruce was a true friend and I left him behind. 529 00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,517 So I was determined not to repeat that mistake 530 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,811 with Jill Kwatney-Adelman, n?e Kwatney. 531 00:21:50,894 --> 00:21:52,437 [Maria] Bert, what's wrong, kid? 532 00:21:52,521 --> 00:21:54,940 Aren't you excited to compete? 533 00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:57,526 Come on, I know you want to share your gifts. 534 00:21:57,609 --> 00:21:58,985 [announcer over PA] Second call, 535 00:21:59,069 --> 00:22:01,446 Bert Bamford to the arena. 536 00:22:01,530 --> 00:22:02,948 - What's going on? - I don't know. 537 00:22:03,031 --> 00:22:04,032 He's just a little off. 538 00:22:04,449 --> 00:22:05,617 You better get him on. 539 00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,786 We need him for the group scores. If Bert doesn't compete, we lose. 540 00:22:07,869 --> 00:22:10,121 - He just doesn't seem into it. - [whimpering] 541 00:22:10,205 --> 00:22:12,290 I don't know what... Oh... 542 00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:14,125 You need to be the alpha, Maria. 543 00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:15,544 He doesn't know what he wants. 544 00:22:15,627 --> 00:22:17,003 You tell him what you want. 545 00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:20,423 Bert, this is... We want you, if you can, to try... 546 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,759 [announcer] Final call for Bert Bamford. 547 00:22:22,843 --> 00:22:24,594 For fuck's sake, give me the dog. 548 00:22:24,678 --> 00:22:26,263 [Bert whines frantically] 549 00:22:26,346 --> 00:22:28,223 No, he doesn't like that! 550 00:22:28,306 --> 00:22:30,600 Nobody likes that! 551 00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:35,230 [panting] 552 00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:37,857 [distorted voice] No! 553 00:22:41,611 --> 00:22:42,862 [screams] 554 00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:46,032 Jill Kwatney-Adelman, n?e Kwatney, 555 00:22:46,116 --> 00:22:51,788 I embarked upon this personal quest to honor my promise to the universe, 556 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,915 to leave no friend left behind. 557 00:22:53,999 --> 00:22:57,919 Jill Kwatney-Adelman, n?e Kwatney... 558 00:22:58,003 --> 00:22:59,004 friend... 559 00:23:00,839 --> 00:23:03,717 I leave thee... behind. 560 00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:07,846 Oh, that's great. 561 00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:09,848 Fuck you, Maria! 562 00:23:11,266 --> 00:23:13,560 - And fuck you. - [dog whimpers] 563 00:23:15,353 --> 00:23:17,063 [Maria sobbing] 564 00:23:24,321 --> 00:23:27,616 I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry, Bert. 565 00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:34,122 [sobbing] I'm so sorry, Bert. 566 00:23:34,205 --> 00:23:35,999 You had great talent 567 00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:40,670 and I let my bullshit interfere in your destiny. 568 00:23:40,754 --> 00:23:42,922 [Bert] Sweet Maria. 569 00:23:43,006 --> 00:23:45,216 Oh, Bert. [sobbing] 570 00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:48,136 [Bert] It was never my destiny to herd sheep. 571 00:23:48,219 --> 00:23:52,390 This wrinkled, slobbering body is capable of many great things. 572 00:23:53,058 --> 00:23:57,562 I am a painter, philosopher, writer of poetry, 573 00:23:57,646 --> 00:24:01,024 - but I desire to do none of these things. - Okay. 574 00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:05,779 [Bert] I choose to lie upon the hardwood floor, snoring my life away. 575 00:24:05,862 --> 00:24:07,238 Yeah. 576 00:24:07,322 --> 00:24:09,491 And occasionally shitting where I sleep. 577 00:24:10,158 --> 00:24:11,409 Oh. 578 00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:12,994 [Bert] The truth of the matter is 579 00:24:13,078 --> 00:24:17,874 I was the gasoline that inflamed Jill Kwatney-Adelman's fire 580 00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:21,419 and revealed her awful, demonic force. 581 00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:25,215 You bear no responsibility for her striking me. 582 00:24:25,298 --> 00:24:27,050 For like Jesus on the cross... 583 00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:31,680 - I sacrificed myself for you... - [chuckles] 584 00:24:31,763 --> 00:24:35,892 ...so you might see that she was no friend at all. 585 00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:39,479 And ergo, could and indeed, must be left behind. 586 00:24:40,105 --> 00:24:41,147 Oh. 587 00:24:41,231 --> 00:24:45,527 Your promise to the universe remains unbroken. 588 00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:47,362 [sobbing] Bert. 589 00:24:48,613 --> 00:24:49,948 Bert! 590 00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:55,370 You are a true friend. 591 00:24:55,453 --> 00:24:59,999 You are one friend who I will never leave behind! 592 00:25:00,083 --> 00:25:01,918 - [cell phone chimes] - Oh. [chuckles] 593 00:25:03,837 --> 00:25:05,004 [gasps] It's from Scott. 594 00:25:05,088 --> 00:25:07,257 [Bert] What does his text say? 595 00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:09,843 He says, "How you doin'?" Huh. 596 00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:11,010 Is he saying hi? 597 00:25:11,094 --> 00:25:13,722 Or is he doing that Anderson Cooper 360 prank meme? 598 00:25:13,805 --> 00:25:18,059 [Bert] I can only lead you so far. You are no sheep. 599 00:25:18,143 --> 00:25:21,271 It is your job to decide indeed 600 00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:24,441 if this is just an Anderson Cooper 360 viral prank meme, 601 00:25:24,524 --> 00:25:29,279 or if this is an opportunity to really feel something. 602 00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:31,489 I got it, Bert. 603 00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:33,742 [keypad clacking] 604 00:25:34,409 --> 00:25:35,452 [cell phone chimes] 605 00:25:36,453 --> 00:25:38,413 [whispers] Thank you, Bert. 606 00:25:40,206 --> 00:25:41,958 [echoing] Thanks, Bert! 607 00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:49,007 [cell phone chimes] 608 00:25:53,261 --> 00:25:54,387 [cell phone chimes] 609 00:26:01,186 --> 00:26:02,812 [keypad beeping] 610 00:26:10,445 --> 00:26:11,946 [cell phone chiming] 611 00:26:16,576 --> 00:26:21,748 [choir singing] I don't know what I'm doing 612 00:26:21,831 --> 00:26:26,586 More than half of the time 613 00:26:27,796 --> 00:26:29,798 [upbeat music playing] 614 00:26:29,848 --> 00:26:34,398 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 43956

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