All language subtitles for Lady Dynamite s01e07 Josue.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,314 --> 00:00:04,003 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:04,214 --> 00:00:06,216 [theme music playing] 3 00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:17,101 [Maria] I'm a pterodactyl. 4 00:00:20,939 --> 00:00:22,065 [Bruce playing drums] Da, da. 5 00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:24,776 Da, da... Daddy never loved me. 6 00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:26,653 - Da, da, da... - [knocking] 7 00:00:26,736 --> 00:00:28,071 - Maria. [chuckling] - Hey. 8 00:00:28,154 --> 00:00:30,114 To what do I owe this gorgeous surprise? 9 00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:32,992 Well, I've just come in to pick up my check. 10 00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:35,328 Ah! That's strange. 11 00:00:35,411 --> 00:00:37,080 You should have received that moons ago. 12 00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,457 I don't mean to bug you about the money... 13 00:00:39,541 --> 00:00:40,917 it's just tight right now. 14 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,711 If you hadn't slept through the table read of Ghostbrides, 15 00:00:43,795 --> 00:00:45,129 you'd have two checks. 16 00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:46,214 [groaning] 17 00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:51,344 We do have a point of order number two, 18 00:00:51,427 --> 00:00:54,430 I need $10,000 to secure a table for you and yours 19 00:00:54,514 --> 00:00:56,099 at my Touch the Children benefit. 20 00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:58,268 I just told you, I don't have any money. 21 00:00:58,351 --> 00:00:59,769 They don't have any parents. 22 00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:02,730 Here comes one right now. His parents died in a fire. 23 00:01:02,814 --> 00:01:05,358 Jalen, what did I tell you about the paper cups? 24 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:06,818 They don't respect the earth. 25 00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:09,404 It's like a tamale husk. They just throw it away. 26 00:01:09,487 --> 00:01:11,114 Should I get another one? 27 00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:13,324 No. That's fine. I'll deal with it. 28 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,869 You know, instead of making a monetary contribution, 29 00:01:16,953 --> 00:01:19,747 perhaps you could delight the little ones 30 00:01:19,831 --> 00:01:23,459 with a performance of your... your charming comedic gibberish. 31 00:01:23,543 --> 00:01:25,336 Bruce, I can't do a benefit for kids. 32 00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:30,049 I adore children in concept, but they hate me in reality. 33 00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,384 Let me demonstrate. 34 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,011 Hello, Admiral. 35 00:01:34,012 --> 00:01:35,388 What do you enjoy? 36 00:01:35,471 --> 00:01:37,890 Do you have sports or... 37 00:01:37,974 --> 00:01:39,684 [inhales deeply] 38 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:40,977 [razzes] 39 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,730 [inhales deeply and blows raspberry] 40 00:01:45,481 --> 00:01:46,608 See, it's happening. 41 00:01:46,691 --> 00:01:49,319 I'm not all that crazy about them myself. 42 00:01:49,402 --> 00:01:54,449 Look, I choose to do good in the world in my daily life. 43 00:01:54,532 --> 00:01:55,742 One-on-one. 44 00:01:55,825 --> 00:01:57,452 Your picture's in the brochure. 45 00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:59,037 Goddamn it, Bruce. 46 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,040 I know. Listen, I owe you big time, no question. 47 00:02:02,123 --> 00:02:05,710 [sighs] Fine, I'll do it... but I am not happy. 48 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:08,463 Are any of us... really? 49 00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:09,714 [softly] Goddamn it. 50 00:02:13,468 --> 00:02:16,262 Think it's cool to fuck up my shit? I'll fuck up yours. 51 00:02:16,346 --> 00:02:17,555 Hey. What's goin' on? 52 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:19,098 See what this fucker did? 53 00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:22,769 Oh, you have quite the eye, Josue. 54 00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:25,229 Strong, bold strokes. I'll take it from here. 55 00:02:25,355 --> 00:02:27,231 - Fuck you will! I'm gonna fuck him up! - Stop! 56 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:30,693 Lieutenant Maria Bamford, graffiti squad. Undercover. 57 00:02:30,777 --> 00:02:32,487 That was a picture of a dog. 58 00:02:32,570 --> 00:02:34,739 K-9 Division. Good collar, sir. 59 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,116 I'll see that the mayor hears about this. 60 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,993 Uh... run! 61 00:02:42,497 --> 00:02:43,915 [Maria] I don't know if you know, 62 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:46,501 graffito is an Italian word that means "scribble." 63 00:02:46,584 --> 00:02:49,045 Hey, what do you want with me? 64 00:02:49,128 --> 00:02:51,923 I don't believe in organized charities. One-on-one... 65 00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:54,967 like, that's where change happens, and I think... 66 00:02:55,051 --> 00:02:56,886 maybe I could help you to change. 67 00:02:56,969 --> 00:02:58,888 Oh, I get it. 68 00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:01,224 White lady wants to help the brown kid in the barrio. 69 00:03:01,307 --> 00:03:03,893 Your enthusiasm will go away after a month. 70 00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:05,686 How about we save ourselves the trouble, 71 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,772 and say our goodbyes right now. 72 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,024 Okay, Blind Side? Thanks for lunch. 73 00:03:10,108 --> 00:03:12,443 Oh, no. But I'm... I'm invested. 74 00:03:12,527 --> 00:03:14,445 Please. You look bored already. 75 00:03:14,529 --> 00:03:16,906 No. I'm just anxious. You make me nervous. 76 00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:18,783 - Brown skin makes you nervous? - No. 77 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:23,287 Young skin makes me nervous. Young skin covering bones and brains. 78 00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:27,542 Can I ask you a question? Do you hate me? 79 00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:29,168 I think you're fucked up... 80 00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:33,256 - but I don't hate you. - All right. That's a first. 81 00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:38,094 So, Josue, I have to do a comedy show for a group of orphans. 82 00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:41,347 Could you teach me how to touch the children 83 00:03:41,431 --> 00:03:43,474 so that I don't bomb at the benefit? 84 00:03:43,558 --> 00:03:45,518 Yeah, but it'll cost you. 85 00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:49,063 [sighing] Yeah, I'm tapped. I don't have any money. 86 00:03:49,147 --> 00:03:51,357 - I wish you took credit. - I take cards. 87 00:03:51,441 --> 00:03:53,317 What? Oh, great. 88 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:54,527 Swipe. 89 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:56,529 Josue! 90 00:03:58,448 --> 00:04:01,033 Hey, Bruce. Hey, Jalen. 91 00:04:01,117 --> 00:04:04,954 Hey. Well, who is this strapping young gaucho? 92 00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:06,706 This is my friend, Josue. 93 00:04:06,789 --> 00:04:07,999 Ah, how do you do? 94 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:11,002 Bruce Ben-Bacharach. Artist to Artist Management. 95 00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:13,421 You're that guy that doesn't send Maria her checks. 96 00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:16,048 Zing. This one's got a bit of a mouth on him. 97 00:04:16,799 --> 00:04:19,385 So tell me, Maria. What exactly is going on? 98 00:04:19,469 --> 00:04:22,138 You hired a street tough to shake me down? 99 00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:24,307 [chuckling] Just kidding. Or am I? 100 00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:26,726 He's helping me. I'm his charity. 101 00:04:26,809 --> 00:04:28,936 He's teaching me to be myself around kids. 102 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,063 So I don't bomb at the benefit. 103 00:04:31,147 --> 00:04:33,816 - Oh. - I'm her mentor, and she's mental. 104 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,736 - [all laughing] - Oh, we're having the best time. 105 00:04:36,819 --> 00:04:38,404 - Splendid. - [Maria] Mmm-hmm. 106 00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:43,159 [in cowboy voice] How you doin', cowboy? 107 00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:47,914 - [in normal voice] How was that? - That was great. 108 00:04:51,042 --> 00:04:52,418 [in Spanish] What's up with her? 109 00:04:52,502 --> 00:04:53,961 [Josue] She's fucked up. 110 00:04:54,045 --> 00:04:55,296 What about him? 111 00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,464 He's a male prostitute. 112 00:04:57,423 --> 00:04:58,674 She seems crazy. 113 00:04:58,758 --> 00:05:00,134 You going to tap that ass? 114 00:05:00,218 --> 00:05:01,302 No, Jalen. 115 00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:03,262 Maria's a really terrific woman... 116 00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,515 who's done a lot of work on herself. 117 00:05:05,598 --> 00:05:08,851 I think we stigmatize mental illness in this country. 118 00:05:08,935 --> 00:05:10,353 And that's not cool. 119 00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:13,731 [in English] Foxcatcher Babies, take one. 120 00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:18,778 [in high-pitched voice] What's that in your pocket, Coach? A gun? 121 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,404 [high-pitched screaming] 122 00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:25,409 [in normal voice] Great material. 123 00:05:27,703 --> 00:05:29,205 [screaming] 124 00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:34,669 [Maria] I was feeling guilty about Checklist being an evil corporation. 125 00:05:35,795 --> 00:05:38,756 So I decided to lend a hand at one of their charities. 126 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,467 This one down in jolly old Mejico, 127 00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:44,804 helping in a school that trained future Checklist employees. 128 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:45,972 Ol?! 129 00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:48,891 As the global spokesperson for Checklist, 130 00:05:48,975 --> 00:05:52,103 I want to thank you for letting me in your classroom. 131 00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:55,022 Let's have a round of applause for Checklist. 132 00:05:55,106 --> 00:05:58,276 And all the wonderful people at Checklist, 133 00:05:58,359 --> 00:06:01,862 who built an English immersion school here in Mejico. 134 00:06:01,946 --> 00:06:03,489 - [all laughing] - [Maria] Yeah! 135 00:06:03,573 --> 00:06:07,994 One of the many global charities that Checklist has built and... 136 00:06:08,077 --> 00:06:11,581 And who doesn't love a good charity? Anyways... 137 00:06:11,664 --> 00:06:14,417 Now, if I hear any of you speaking Spanish, 138 00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:15,793 we're gonna have a problema! 139 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,295 Ooh, slap on the wrist for me. 140 00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:19,755 - [all laughing] - [Maria] I just spoke Spanish. 141 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:23,092 Anyway, let's open our English workbooks 142 00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:25,886 and see what Trabajito is up to. 143 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:27,555 Trabajito says... 144 00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,307 [imitating Trabajito] "Keep working." 145 00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,267 "When the floor manager asks... 146 00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,603 [imitating floor manager] 'Who wants extra hours?' 147 00:06:33,686 --> 00:06:35,313 [imitating Trabajito] Trabajito always says, 148 00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:37,356 - 'Me, sir!' - [all laughing] 149 00:06:38,608 --> 00:06:42,320 When there's an accident on the floor, Trabajito keeps his lips zipped. 150 00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:45,197 [in deep voice] Because his eyes don't always see the truth 151 00:06:45,281 --> 00:06:48,451 and there's a floor manager who knows better." 152 00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:51,704 [in normal voice] I like this guy, he's got good hustle. 153 00:06:51,787 --> 00:06:53,331 Hey. 154 00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:56,334 What's the secret, you guys? 155 00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,835 Oh, you're so serious. 156 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,546 I have a joke in Spanish. It takes 12 minutes to tell. 157 00:07:00,630 --> 00:07:02,465 So I'm gonna give you the punchline. 158 00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:03,966 [in Spanish] Surprise! 159 00:07:04,050 --> 00:07:05,176 [all laughing] 160 00:07:07,053 --> 00:07:09,680 Not for everybody. No, that's been established. 161 00:07:09,764 --> 00:07:11,766 My sense of humor. All right. 162 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:14,143 I'm gonna crack you two nuts. 163 00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,561 [laughing] 164 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:21,484 I always have the six-inch vegetarian sandwich at Sabuey. 165 00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,903 Six-inch vegetarian won't even wake me up in the morning. 166 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,154 [all laughing] 167 00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:28,783 Ah, you see, she make the sandwich to seem like a penis. 168 00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:30,993 Ay, maybe if you put in your mouth, 169 00:07:31,077 --> 00:07:33,204 it will become a foot-long. 170 00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:36,332 Oh, artfully done, Consuela. [laughing] 171 00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,334 Home run! Everybody's laughing. 172 00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:43,631 Except those two. Hmm. What is going on with them? 173 00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:45,049 [speaking Spanish] 174 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,926 Hey, guys. 175 00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:49,512 Who died? Hmm? 176 00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:51,806 - [speaking Spanish] - [tutting] 177 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,224 In English. 178 00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:56,852 My brother. He died in an accident on the Checklist factory floor. 179 00:07:56,936 --> 00:07:59,021 I'm very sorry about your brother. 180 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,690 Thank you. 181 00:08:01,691 --> 00:08:04,110 - You guys want to hear a joke? - Uh, no. 182 00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:06,696 [laughing] Know your crowd. 183 00:08:06,779 --> 00:08:08,656 Anyways, I'll see you around... 184 00:08:08,739 --> 00:08:12,618 and let's keep it in English. Okay? Okay? 185 00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:14,662 [sputtering] 186 00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:16,414 [laughing hysterically] 187 00:08:18,249 --> 00:08:20,626 [speaking Spanish] 188 00:08:20,710 --> 00:08:23,963 [in Spanish] Too many people are dying on these factory floors. 189 00:08:24,046 --> 00:08:25,965 [in English] There's a barbecue or... 190 00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:29,552 [in Spanish] We must organize and form a union. 191 00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,554 [in English] Excuse me, shouldn't you... 192 00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:34,348 be in class, speaking English? 193 00:08:34,432 --> 00:08:36,308 Look at this, Miss Maria. What do we do? 194 00:08:36,392 --> 00:08:39,770 Okay. This is Spanish. The devil papers. 195 00:08:39,854 --> 00:08:41,063 This doesn't concern you. 196 00:08:41,147 --> 00:08:42,732 - [Maria] Oh. - Keep walking. 197 00:08:42,815 --> 00:08:45,026 No. 198 00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:48,612 Every time you speak or write a Spanish word, 199 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:53,451 you are taking a tiny inky little shovel and digging your own graves. 200 00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:55,119 Your own graves! 201 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,997 Do you know why I'm here? 202 00:08:58,748 --> 00:09:02,168 I'm the face of Checklist. 203 00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,879 Do you know how much they pay me? 204 00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:07,339 Is it the devil's money? I don't know. 205 00:09:07,423 --> 00:09:09,091 It is the devil's money... 206 00:09:09,175 --> 00:09:14,680 if I don't help you change your lives. Change your lives. 207 00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:18,684 Give me those flyers. I'm doing this... 208 00:09:18,768 --> 00:09:21,979 I'm doing this for you. 209 00:09:22,063 --> 00:09:26,817 Nothing tastes as good as speaking English feels! 210 00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:32,406 I know it's not easy to work hard. 211 00:09:32,490 --> 00:09:36,619 Sure you can make things cheap if you speak Spanish. 212 00:09:36,702 --> 00:09:42,208 But if you speak English, you can make those things even cheaper. 213 00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:44,210 [all laughing] 214 00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:47,338 And I say to those bad apples, who almost lost their way... 215 00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:48,756 [all chuckling] 216 00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:53,677 [imitating Trabajito] "Trabajito is always watching you." 217 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:55,221 [crowd and Maria laughing] 218 00:09:58,891 --> 00:10:00,226 Sounds good. 219 00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:02,061 Feels right. 220 00:10:02,144 --> 00:10:05,731 [chanting] Sounds good. Feels right. 221 00:10:05,815 --> 00:10:08,150 [all chanting] Sounds good. Feels right. 222 00:10:08,234 --> 00:10:10,653 Sounds good. Feels right. 223 00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:13,114 Sounds good. Feels right. 224 00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:15,199 [cheering] 225 00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:21,789 [Trabajito over TV] Why ask for money when you could ask, 226 00:10:21,872 --> 00:10:24,750 "Why do I need more money?" 227 00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:27,419 Trabajito never disobeys. 228 00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:30,798 Floor manager's always right. 229 00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:34,051 English words come from angels. 230 00:10:34,135 --> 00:10:37,346 Where do I sign up to donate plasma? 231 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:40,474 Trabajito's always watching. 232 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,859 You're welcome, Mexico. 233 00:10:51,026 --> 00:10:52,444 [chuckling] 234 00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:56,532 This was not my proudest hour in sticking up for workers. 235 00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:59,076 But it's funny how life puts the same problem 236 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,078 in front of you again to see if you've learned. 237 00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:06,125 [in pirate voice] Welcome to the Duluth Historical Maritime Museum. 238 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:09,378 The perfect location to shoot 239 00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:12,965 your old-timey public hangin'. 240 00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:17,261 Or your movie film period drama, 241 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,555 or your television program. 242 00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:24,101 Or your nautically themed advertising campaign. 243 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,729 Or your Christian haunted house. 244 00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:32,776 The Duluth Film Commission would love to sail away with your business. 245 00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:34,862 - Cut! - [bell rings] 246 00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:37,239 Okay. Um, that was good... 247 00:11:37,323 --> 00:11:39,533 but you really need to find the heart of it. 248 00:11:39,617 --> 00:11:42,786 You know, like you found my heart and just ripped it out 249 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,039 when you betrayed me with my husband, Paul. 250 00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:48,042 Paul wanted to draw. 251 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:51,295 I don't understand why he can't draw and you get to direct. 252 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:55,174 Because I won a major film contest at church. 253 00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:57,927 Hello? Is this thing on? [chuckling] 254 00:11:58,636 --> 00:12:02,014 Okay, Parker Poser, I don't want to give you a line reading... 255 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,766 but this is how it should be read. 256 00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:05,392 - Okay. Props. - [woman] Yes, ma'am. 257 00:12:05,476 --> 00:12:06,769 Please, to my trailer. 258 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,771 Move it, you lazy caboose. 259 00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:11,440 [sighing] 260 00:12:12,358 --> 00:12:16,320 A razmataz-taz! And a rootie-toot-tootie! 261 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:20,491 This is the Duluth Maritime Historical Museum. 262 00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:21,700 See? 263 00:12:23,202 --> 00:12:25,245 That felt really good, right? 264 00:12:25,329 --> 00:12:27,373 I'm just gonna do the next one, too. 265 00:12:27,456 --> 00:12:29,500 You're gonna replace me? I... 266 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:30,834 But I didn't do anything wrong. 267 00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:34,004 Oh, now you can act. [laughing] 268 00:12:34,088 --> 00:12:36,548 We'll take five, and get me that wardrobe. 269 00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:37,925 Quick. 270 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:41,637 - Mom, is it me? - Sweetie, don't make me choose sides. 271 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,098 You wanna build your own burrito? 272 00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,977 - Yes. - Take a napkin. 273 00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:49,561 That's good. 274 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:53,857 Spicy buffalo wings. 275 00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:55,401 [Susan] All right, buttmunchers. 276 00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:58,320 Let's take five from sticking our thumbs up our keister 277 00:12:58,404 --> 00:13:00,280 and shoot something for criminy's sake. 278 00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:02,658 Come on, places, morons. 279 00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:05,244 [Maria] Scene One. Take Three. 280 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:06,537 Action. 281 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:11,208 [in British accent] It was on this day in 1878... 282 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,294 [Madison] Susan Carlisle Beeber, 283 00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:16,839 you're an awful person and we've had it with you, 284 00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:18,632 As Director of Photography, 285 00:13:18,716 --> 00:13:23,012 I hereby relieve you of your duties as captain of this industrial film crew. 286 00:13:23,095 --> 00:13:24,138 What? 287 00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:27,307 Oh, my goodness. Is this in the script? 288 00:13:27,391 --> 00:13:29,560 [Madison] You're a bully, Susan Beeber, and... 289 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,479 we're taking a united front to demand that you leave. 290 00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:34,148 So say you all? 291 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:35,941 [all] So say we all. 292 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:38,652 [scoffing] Maria... 293 00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:41,488 so say thee? 294 00:13:41,572 --> 00:13:43,574 After everything I've done for you? 295 00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,492 After I saved your ass in third grade 296 00:13:45,576 --> 00:13:48,037 and was there for you after all your breakups? 297 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,748 Maria? Say it. 298 00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,708 Say it! 299 00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:56,378 Oh, God. What's gonna happen? 300 00:13:56,462 --> 00:13:58,797 You guys are so mean. 301 00:13:58,881 --> 00:14:00,591 You... 302 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,343 You and you. 303 00:14:03,427 --> 00:14:05,220 And you? [scoffing] 304 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,514 You're mean. 305 00:14:09,058 --> 00:14:10,601 I can frig off. 306 00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:14,313 Yeah, I can frigging frig right off. 307 00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:19,443 But I'm not gonna leave... until I hear it from Maria. 308 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,779 So, Maria... 309 00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,198 you want me to frig off? 310 00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:28,327 [Maria] There are times in life when you realize you've outgrown a friend. 311 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,287 This wasn't one of them. 312 00:14:30,371 --> 00:14:32,664 I think you're doing a great job. 313 00:14:32,748 --> 00:14:36,210 - [crying softly] - And I don't want you to frig off. 314 00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:39,213 You're my best friend. I love you so much. 315 00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:44,343 [crying] I love you, too, Beefer. 316 00:14:49,390 --> 00:14:50,891 [both laughing] 317 00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:56,188 You other cornholes... yeah, you can go to heck. 318 00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:58,065 Yeah, get off my set. Get out! 319 00:14:58,148 --> 00:15:00,275 Yeah, especially you, fatty Maddie. 320 00:15:00,359 --> 00:15:04,613 Oh, Mrs. Bamford, that's a wrap. I asked for a sandwich. 321 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:08,951 [Maria] Ignorance kept me from standing up for the workers at Checklist 322 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,869 and fear made me fold in Duluth. 323 00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,996 That's why I was determined to be there for Bruce 324 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,958 and his orphans and push past my lifelong fear... 325 00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,042 [echoing] of children. 326 00:15:17,126 --> 00:15:21,463 Did you know that Jenga is the Swedish word for, "Don't fuck up!" 327 00:15:21,547 --> 00:15:23,507 Okay. [chuckling] 328 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,468 - Steady hands, Josue. Very nice. - [cell phone chiming] 329 00:15:26,552 --> 00:15:28,512 Oh, shit. I gotta go. I've got a meeting. 330 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:33,434 Oh, "I got a meeting." Whoa! Mr. Josue Q. Businessman. 331 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,811 I'm really feeling good about this benefit. 332 00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:38,397 Ever since we've been talking this past week, 333 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,066 I just feel like... I can do stand-up for kids. 334 00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:43,735 Yeah... about that. 335 00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:47,531 I watched your stuff on YouTube. It's just not funny, Maria. 336 00:15:48,407 --> 00:15:49,450 What? 337 00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:50,701 If you do your act, 338 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,162 you will bomb and get booed out of that benefit. 339 00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:58,083 No. What? Who boos at a benefit? 340 00:15:58,167 --> 00:16:00,461 - Kids? - Kids. 341 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:05,007 Oh, God. I already said yes. I can't bomb. 342 00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,884 Kids already hate me. 343 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,469 Oh, God. 344 00:16:08,552 --> 00:16:09,845 What do I do? 345 00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:12,306 You could do Gordo Gonzalez's act. 346 00:16:13,182 --> 00:16:14,850 [farting and burping] 347 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:19,104 No. That's not right. I can't just steal another comic's act. 348 00:16:19,188 --> 00:16:22,566 Besides, we have very different styles, comedically. 349 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,985 - Yeah. He's funny. - [grunting] 350 00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:27,571 Look, I'm your friend. You wanna keep kids happy? 351 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,240 Do Gordo Gonzalez. That shit's funny. 352 00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,534 [grunting] 353 00:16:32,618 --> 00:16:34,953 [door opening and closing] 354 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,205 You take care. 355 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,084 [Gordo on laptop] I'm fat, I'm brown... 356 00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,920 - and here to get down. - [audience cheering] 357 00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,756 Hola. My name is Gordo Gonzalez 358 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,175 and this is my best friend, Farty Pantalones. 359 00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:50,802 - Hi, Farty. - [Gordo] Okay, Farty... 360 00:16:50,886 --> 00:16:52,596 tell everybody how we met. 361 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:56,683 [as Farty] We were at this shitty poker game. You dealt it. 362 00:16:56,767 --> 00:17:00,270 - And I smelt it! [laughing] - [audience laughing] 363 00:17:00,354 --> 00:17:03,273 Is that what children want? 364 00:17:03,357 --> 00:17:06,109 - What do children want? - [Blueberry whines] 365 00:17:08,779 --> 00:17:12,115 Have you ever thought about touchin' a child 366 00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:14,701 But didn't know how to do it? 367 00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:17,788 Well, children are so teachable... 368 00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:18,872 Oh! 369 00:17:18,956 --> 00:17:21,208 - Hey, Josue. - Hey. 370 00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:23,544 Look at you! Like a Mexican James Bond. 371 00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:25,045 Oh. Thank you. 372 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:28,507 - [Josue's mom clearing throat] - Hey, I hope you don't mind 373 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,384 I brought my mom, my brother, 374 00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,303 my sisters and my t?o Rolo. 375 00:17:33,387 --> 00:17:35,138 Awesome. Nice to meet you guys. Cool. 376 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,224 - He's got mental problems, too. - Oh, really? 377 00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:38,433 [in Spanish] Bipolar II. 378 00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:41,019 Me too. The two. 379 00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:44,565 [in English] My angel, kisses. Hello. 380 00:17:44,648 --> 00:17:46,775 [chuckling] Tell me. Are these your people? 381 00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:48,318 - Yes. - Fantastic. Let me see. 382 00:17:48,402 --> 00:17:50,028 One, two, three. 383 00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:52,364 Why don't I just bill you for a whole table? 384 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:54,575 - Okay. - That'll be $10,000 385 00:17:54,658 --> 00:17:57,077 - and zero cents. - [softly] $10,000. 386 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,246 Thank you, sweet monkey grape. I knew you'd come through. 387 00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:00,789 - Yeah... - Excuse me. 388 00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:02,624 Thanks, Maria. This means a lot to me 389 00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:04,751 and my family to have a night out like this. 390 00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:06,420 Oh, guys. No problem. 391 00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:10,299 Hey, I just wanted to thank you. Your son has given me so much. 392 00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:14,720 I don't know what your game is with my son... 393 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,054 but he's just a boy. 394 00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:18,932 I don't want you corrupting him with your sexual wiles. 395 00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:20,851 No. That's not what is happening. 396 00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:21,977 No, no. I... 397 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:26,231 I, in no way, am trying to make love to your son. My God. Uh. Ugh. 398 00:18:26,315 --> 00:18:27,691 No. I... 399 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,735 He's attractive. Not that he isn't good-looking, 400 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,528 and he has an emotional maturity 401 00:18:31,612 --> 00:18:34,698 beyond his years and... he has strong, steady hands, 402 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,408 unlike me. I have a bit of a tremor. 403 00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:40,579 Someday, he'll make a gentle lover, but not with me. 404 00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,997 Just stay away from him! 405 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,458 - Okay. All right. - ?V?monos! 406 00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:46,835 [Maria] Enjoy the show! 407 00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,420 Great to see you, meet you. 408 00:18:48,503 --> 00:18:51,632 [imitating Farty] Farty Pantalones. 409 00:18:51,715 --> 00:18:52,883 [in normal voice] That was good. 410 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,718 [imitating Farty] No, it wasn't very good. 411 00:18:55,510 --> 00:18:56,553 Ah. 412 00:18:56,637 --> 00:18:59,723 You know, I can really see myself in that boy of yours. 413 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,475 I don't wanna hurt your feelings, 414 00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:03,477 but I need to focus right now. 415 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,687 I'm doing something new and need to concentrate. 416 00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:07,731 We could put you in a concentration camp. 417 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,816 [chuckles] Too edgy? 418 00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:11,985 Too soon? 419 00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:14,529 - Not soon enough? - [Gordo] I'm here to get down! 420 00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:18,367 [Bruce] Se?or Gonzalez. How do you like that? 421 00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:21,286 You know my number one client, Maria Bamford, right? 422 00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:23,413 - Maria! Listen! - [gasping] Oh, God. Yes? 423 00:19:23,497 --> 00:19:27,751 I'd like to introduce you to the Carnita King of Comedia himself, 424 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:31,129 the rambunctious and rotund, Gordo Gonzalez. 425 00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,215 And Mr. F. Pantalones. 426 00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:35,801 - [as Farty] Hey, Maria. - [Maria laughing] 427 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:40,305 Hi, Gordo. Hey, Pantalones. [chuckling] 428 00:19:40,389 --> 00:19:43,892 Listen, Se?or Gonzalez is gonna go on immediately after you. 429 00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,686 So you guys get acquainted. 430 00:19:45,811 --> 00:19:49,231 I've got responsibilities to handle, but I'll see you out on the ice. 431 00:19:49,314 --> 00:19:50,524 Good show. [laughing] 432 00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:55,445 So... I'm goin' up right before you. 433 00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,531 I really did not... know that. 434 00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,200 It would've been helpful to have that information. 435 00:20:00,283 --> 00:20:01,576 [groaning] 436 00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:04,287 - [Bruce] One and only Maria Bamford. - [applause] 437 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:05,997 Oh, God. 438 00:20:06,081 --> 00:20:08,375 [audience cheering] 439 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,171 Okay. Um... 440 00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,590 Hey, I'm Maria Bamford and I'm... 441 00:20:15,674 --> 00:20:16,717 uh... 442 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:19,970 Uh... 443 00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:22,305 - [man coughs] - [chuckles] 444 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:27,519 I'm fat, brown and ready to get down! 445 00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:30,230 - [Gordo mouthing] Fuck! - And this is my best friend, 446 00:20:30,313 --> 00:20:33,483 - Farty Pantalones. - [audience laughs] 447 00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:35,986 [imitating Farty] I told you not to call me that. 448 00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,112 What do you want me to call you? 449 00:20:37,195 --> 00:20:39,448 [imitating Farty] Oh, I think Farty... 450 00:20:39,531 --> 00:20:42,868 - Pantalones! - [audience laughing] 451 00:20:42,951 --> 00:20:44,244 [in normal voice] That's the same thing. 452 00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:47,080 [chuckling] Farty, what's your birthday? 453 00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:50,834 [imitating Farty] Oh, it's September the turd-eenth. 454 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,377 [audience laughing] 455 00:20:53,754 --> 00:20:55,422 [in normal voice] What's your favorite James Bond film? 456 00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:58,258 [imitating Farty] Well, I love Live and Let... 457 00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,510 Diarrhea! 458 00:21:00,594 --> 00:21:01,762 [all laughing] 459 00:21:10,896 --> 00:21:13,315 [Maria] Children were laughing and smiling at me. 460 00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:15,192 They were not hating me. 461 00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:18,737 But it felt empty. 462 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:21,031 These were Farty laughs. 463 00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,700 You guys, I can't do this. I... [inhaling sharply] 464 00:21:23,784 --> 00:21:27,287 I don't steal other comics' material. That's Gordo Gonzalez's act. 465 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:28,455 [audience cheering] 466 00:21:28,538 --> 00:21:32,250 Yes, yeah. I know. He's very good. He's very gifted. 467 00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:35,128 But I am not gonna abandon my principles. 468 00:21:35,212 --> 00:21:36,505 I'm gonna do my own act. 469 00:21:36,588 --> 00:21:38,089 Yes. 470 00:21:38,173 --> 00:21:40,509 Phew. Here goes. Um... 471 00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:43,303 [sighing] I believe in God. 472 00:21:43,386 --> 00:21:46,389 I believe God's a 13-story-tall wizard who lives in a dark mountain 473 00:21:46,473 --> 00:21:48,517 and never lets me win. 474 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,143 - [booing] - That, too, can be a comfort. 475 00:21:51,186 --> 00:21:53,146 - That, too... - [man coughing] 476 00:21:53,271 --> 00:21:55,023 Is anyone thinking of suicide? 477 00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:56,358 Don't do it. 478 00:21:56,441 --> 00:21:58,944 It's not the season for it. Late fall. 479 00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:00,695 [audience jeering] 480 00:22:00,779 --> 00:22:01,863 [booing] 481 00:22:02,531 --> 00:22:04,115 Uh... I see. 482 00:22:04,199 --> 00:22:05,826 Well... [chuckles nervously] 483 00:22:07,452 --> 00:22:11,748 [hyperventilating] Oh... Oh, Josue, I don't know if I can breathe. 484 00:22:11,832 --> 00:22:13,959 So much child hatred. 485 00:22:14,042 --> 00:22:16,002 - [Josue] It's okay. - [Maria groans] 486 00:22:16,086 --> 00:22:17,671 You were fine, Maria. 487 00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:20,423 Thanks, guys. See you next week. 488 00:22:22,050 --> 00:22:25,303 Those two agents from WME? Are you getting into the business? 489 00:22:25,387 --> 00:22:26,888 I've never been out of the business. 490 00:22:26,972 --> 00:22:29,099 [exclaims] You a secret agent? 491 00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:30,892 No, I'm a weed dealer. 492 00:22:30,976 --> 00:22:33,728 Oh! Okay. 493 00:22:33,812 --> 00:22:35,730 - My family had a great time tonight. - Oh. 494 00:22:36,648 --> 00:22:38,817 Here's 15 grand for your money troubles. 495 00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:42,112 Oh! Crime does pay. [gasping] 496 00:22:42,195 --> 00:22:43,947 If you ever need extra work, 497 00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:46,241 I'm looking for a white woman to go into schools. 498 00:22:46,324 --> 00:22:48,410 Oh, thank you. That's very thoughtful. 499 00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:50,745 No. I don't think so. But... 500 00:22:50,829 --> 00:22:53,164 [sighing] That was terrible in there. 501 00:22:53,248 --> 00:22:57,460 Those kids hated me. This is my worst fear. 502 00:22:57,544 --> 00:23:00,672 Kids and bombing... [sighing heavily] 503 00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:03,174 Yeah, the worst that could happen, happened. 504 00:23:03,258 --> 00:23:04,968 - Yeah. - You faced your fears 505 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:06,136 and it didn't kill you. 506 00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:09,639 You know what these kids are gonna remember? 507 00:23:09,723 --> 00:23:11,099 Free hats. 508 00:23:11,725 --> 00:23:14,060 You're right. [scoffs] 509 00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:16,605 All my life, I've been saddled by all these fears. 510 00:23:16,688 --> 00:23:19,566 Fear of supporting an evil corporation. 511 00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:22,986 Fear of my best friend, Susan. Fear of children. 512 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:25,280 And now... I faced 'em. 513 00:23:26,281 --> 00:23:28,742 Those kids hate me, but it doesn't matter. 514 00:23:29,659 --> 00:23:30,744 I mean... 515 00:23:31,786 --> 00:23:34,414 - I still got you. - You had me. 516 00:23:35,415 --> 00:23:36,791 I have some bad news. 517 00:23:37,834 --> 00:23:40,045 My family's not cool about us. 518 00:23:40,128 --> 00:23:44,049 This whole May-December thing is a no-go zone, bro-zone. 519 00:23:44,132 --> 00:23:45,216 What? 520 00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:47,385 I'm crazy about you, Maria. 521 00:23:47,886 --> 00:23:50,597 - But I just can't see you anymore. - What, you... 522 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,016 Maybe if I was 40 years older, this could work. 523 00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:55,477 How old do you think I am? 524 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:56,811 Seventy-one. 525 00:23:56,895 --> 00:23:58,063 Oh. 526 00:23:58,188 --> 00:24:00,357 Face it... we weren't meant to be. 527 00:24:01,441 --> 00:24:04,027 We had our moment in the sun, we had our laughs... 528 00:24:05,028 --> 00:24:06,529 It was one hell of a ride. 529 00:24:07,447 --> 00:24:09,658 Maybe one day, you'll be able to understand. 530 00:24:10,742 --> 00:24:13,161 - Hopefully before you die. - [sighing] 531 00:24:14,287 --> 00:24:16,122 I'll never forget you, Maria Bamford. 532 00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:28,009 You touched me, Josue! 533 00:24:30,261 --> 00:24:31,805 And I touched you! 534 00:24:31,888 --> 00:24:34,474 [Josue's mom] Save it for the judge. 535 00:24:35,517 --> 00:24:41,106 [choir singing] I don't know what I'm doing 536 00:24:41,189 --> 00:24:45,985 More than half of the time 537 00:24:47,570 --> 00:24:49,572 [pop music playing] 538 00:24:49,622 --> 00:24:54,172 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40701

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