Original subtitles

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

[upbeat music playing]

- [clattering] - [both] Whoa!

- What happened to you? - [Maria grunts]

I had to go on an action date with Chad.

I had to roller skate up Runyon Canyon.

Why would you even do that?

Well, because he read my OKCupes profile, and I wasn't 100% honest, really.

What's it say? Let me see it.

It was around the truth.

Wow, you think? Look at this.

- Interests: hiking. - Yeah.

- Speedboating. - I wish.

- Rock climbing, anything with rocks. - I hope.

- [Dagmar] Jam bands. Tumbling? - Why not?

- March Madness? - What is it?

I've never seen you give a shit about any of this before.

That was the old me trying not to be the real me.

- [Dagmar] Okay. - That was BladeHardorDie12.

The fact that there's 11 other people with that name

makes me wanna kill myself.

[cell phone ringing]

Oh, God. Chad just sent me a text for the...

Tough Mudder race in Santa Barbara next weekend.

[groaning] Don't people die during those?

Mmm-hmm. All the time.

You know, I could get you a sign-up sheet.

You're hurting yourself as you're hurting me.

- [Dagmar] That right? - Guys.

I've got to go tell Chad

I am not this person.

I've spent over $2,600 at Sports Authority.

I am becoming a sports authority.

No more action dates.

I am not active!

- Good. - [Maria] All right.

Go make some boundaries.

Watch out, guys!

I... I stop with my hands, which means I'm on an adventure.

[theme music playing]

[Maria] I'm a pterodactyl.

I'm so super pumped about how super pumped you are

- about crushing it fitness-wise. - [panting]

Oh, God, yeah. [coughs]

The most important thing in life is health.

Yeah. That's why I signed us up

for a doubles couple Ironman competition in San Diego.

I didn't wanna tell you until we got kale shakes.

But, like my ab tattoo says,

you just gotta live in the moment.

Yeah. Hey, um...

Chad!

I have something really important to tell you.

[panting] Chad? Oh, God!

That's insane. I have something important to tell you, too.

- Oh, my... We're, like, in sync. - Yeah.

Wait. Before you go...

Let me turn the GoPro on 'cause I wanna tell you something.

- Okay. - Maria Bamford.

Yeah?

- Look right down the barrel. - Okay?

- I love you. - [gasps]

[grunting] Okay.

- Now, you go. - Okay, what do I say?

[chuckling nervously]

Say, "I love you, too."

I love you, too...

- Fuck yeah, you do! - [both laughing]

Let's get up this hill like a tiger.

[Maria panting]

So, how'd it go with Chad?

Did you tell him that you're 90% slug?

I couldn't. It all went terribly wrong.

It was like a nightmare. He told me he loved me.

And then I tell him,

"Oh, I love you, too."

Isn't that how you're supposed to do it? Don't ask me.

I can't give this cat away.

Listen, cunt. Could you go?

[Larissa] Come on. I wanna hear the rest of the story.

My therapist says you're a trigger. I don't wanna live like this.

I respect your journey.

That's it. I'm gonna break up with him.

Why?

Why? You ask, "Why"?

- Yeah. - Well, for one,

he went on a total rampage at the batting cages.

Yeah, yeah.

I forgot to tell you.

[ballpark organ playing]

Fucker! Bitch! Whore! Slut! Fucking cunt!

[clapping]

Wait, so he screamed at you, "Bitch, cunt, whore, slut."

Well, I don't know if it was exactly those words,

but it was the essence of the gist of it.

It's like I saw him for the first time.

It's like a veil lifted, and a monster was there.

Maria, this does not sound like the Chad that you were action-dating,

or was it datercising?

I'm telling you, it was like a veil lifted...

and a monster was there.

Good job.

Fuck! I am gonna kill this fucking, asshole puppy!

[Maria] Oh, God! No! [dog whining]

Wait, where did the puppy come from?

- I didn't tell you? - No!

The puppy was there the whole time.

But I thought he wanted to hit you?

He wanted to hit me. He wanted to hit everyone.

His rage was indiscriminate.

It was like a veil was lifted and a monster was there.

[dog] It has now become clear that the cure for cancer is

and only can be...

Strike three, fuckos.

- [dog] Oh, that's a bummer. - [gunshot]

Wait, I get it. You're fucking with me, right?

No! No, it's like a veil was lifted... and a monster was there.

Okay, little mama, listen. I think I know what's happening.

Chad told you that he loved you and you freaked out.

'Cause you don't think you're worthy of love, but that's not true.

- We all love you. I love you. - I love you.

We just want you to be happy.

Why can't you let him love you?

I have my reasons.

There is just no way to understand them.

[Maria] Actually, there was.

In the past, I had no boundaries with men,

which became an issue when I decided to sell my house.

It wasn't the only thing on the market.

[Karen] Apple pie Glade PlugIn,

Baked brie, check. Toll House cookies, check.

That is how you take an open house into a sold house.

[Maria whispering] Oh, my gosh!

- No! - [whimpering]

Those aren't pleasure cookies. They're business cookies.

Okay.

- No! - [moaning] Oh.

- Those are not... - Come on...

- No! - [yelling]

Oh, God.

Oh, oh!

What's wrong with you?

What is this shit?

That's my vision drawer.

It's a message to the universe of what I want in a perfect man,

so the universe will bring said man to me.

- That's sad. Clear it out. - Okay.

Put it in your bedroom where no one else

- has ever been. - Okay.

[Karen] Are those dogs? They need to go.

Do you have a cardboard box and packing tape?

You can't do that.

You can. I once put a Rottweiler in a plastic wreath container.

He sleeps in there. He loves it.

Do you think we can sell this house?

I know I just bought it, but I just wanna get rid of it.

I don't know why you're selling.

You have so much money coming out of that ass crack from Checklist ads.

Every time I open the computer, one pops up.

It interrupted my porn. I had to work you in.

I don't know how much longer I'll be doing it.

I think Checklist is evil.

And Susan is right. This house isn't right for me.

I need to unload it as fast as possible.

- Hey! - Jesus Christ!

You listen up good right now!

[Karen] I'm gonna say this one time.

- Okay... - You are not unloading this house.

- Okay. - Okay? Bullet points.

[whispering] You're about to move in with your boyfriend, okay?

He runs a hedge fund.

- You're huge in London. - Okay, yeah.

- You're selling out the Buckingham Palace. - Okay.

- You're in demand there. - Okay.

- This house is in demand, okay? - [whimpering] Okay.

- Okay? - [crying] Okay.

- [whimpering] - Don't fuck with me, Maria.

Don't fuck me.

[doorbell rings]

Hi! Come on in!

- What the... - [Maria] Hi!

So, yes. My husband is very rich

with money from his hedge trimming business,

so, we're moving to Buckingham Palace.

Money's not an object for me or an issue,

you know, it's like, just so much of it except for folding it, you know.

How much I have in my pockets.

It's a very sturdy kitchen.

Rebar... [grunting] ...coming up through...

- And there's a roof. - [growls]

- [laughing] - [snarls]

I'm scared of my realtor.

- [indistinct speaking] - Blossy? Where... Oh.

- Oh, hi. [chuckling] - Hi.

These two guys must have been playing around in here.

Got themselves stuck inside this perfectly sealed box.

Oh... Karen Grisham.

So, you're looking at this house, too?

Well... kinda. For the last time. For I am the seller!

[chuckling] I'm moving in with my fianc?.

- Oh, cool. - Yeah.

- Yeah! - [chuckling]

- What a fun way to tell me that. - Yeah.

I don't know what I'm doing.

So... does any of this furniture come with the place?

- No! - Ah!

- I have the exact same cologne. - Really?

Oh... [chuckling] And I'm wearing the exact same shirt.

- You are. You really are. - [chuckling]

Holy shit.

Jack London?

- That's my favorite author... - Stop talking! [chuckling]

Your fianc? and I could be the same person.

Well, you could be. You are...

I mean, if you wanted to be. You could be.

What?

[stuttering] The thing is that we...

We're on the skids. I mean, I'm basically...

You know, just, single and...

I'm selling the house right away,

but I don't need to 'cause I am loaded and it's paid off in full,

but the thing is that London...

Uh, it's complicated.

My life is pretty complicated, too, right now.

I'm actually going through a divorce.

[gasping] Oh, my God!

I don't know how it'll work out.

[laughing awkwardly] No! Of course, we don't know...

ever, how it's gonna work out, do we? [chuckles]

Oh...

I'm late for something.

- I gotta go. - Oh.

I was hoping to check out more of the house.

Okay, you can. The thing is, come by later,

and I'll microwave you some taqooktito... [sighs]

I will microwave you some taquitos!

Get it right, Maria! [laughing]

And then, I'll show you more of the house and the pugs and...

Everything. I'll show you everything.

I'd like that.

[whimpers]

- [beeping] - Dum, dum, bam, pum,

bum. [chuckles]

Well, you know, this is a Spanish Colonial,

and, uh... [chuckles]

That means the pipes are copper

and the wires are copper

and everything is copper,

even the bath.

Yeah, it's, uh...

It feels so good against my naked skin, you know.

It's just so... ooh.

Did I tell you about the low-flow toilet?

Ooh, that feels so, so good against my naked skin.

Oh, the whole house feels really good against my naked skin.

Ooh, yeah.

[moaning]

- Even the stucco? - Oh, yeah.

It's a real exfoliant. Ooh, nice.

[laughing seductively]

You know, it's just got everything you'd ever need.

There's a garbage disposal. Ooh!

And, uh, you can come in from the back, or the front.

- [laughing] - That's fun, you know.

It comes out... Oh!

- Whoo! Whoo! - [both laughing]

You know what? I love it.

I want it. Let's seal the deal.

But you haven't even seen my unfinished basement.

- [both chuckle] - Okay.

Okay, uh...

- Okay. Oh. - Um...

[muffled moaning]

[Maria] I couldn't believe it.

The perfect man jumped out of my vision drawer

and into my 30-year mortgage.

I had it all. Love and financial security.

- [chuckling] Okay. - What'd she say?

Karen Grisham said to go fuck yourself, and that the deal will not go through.

Why not?

You have such a low credit score.

What's a credit score?

Are you serious?

Graham, you don't know your credit score?

I don't even know what one is.

- Oh. - I'm not a banker, I'm a stuntman.

I can't believe this. You have a Jaguar.

Thank you.

Actually, I have two.

Three, if you count the third one.

- You have three Jaguars? - Thank you.

Karen Grisham said,

"With a credit score that low, you can't even rent."

This just became a really bad day.

- Yeah. - This morning I was crushing it.

Now, I don't know where I'm gonna live.

- [sighs] - We're screwed, buddy. Hmm?

You know, I guess you could... you could stay with me.

You know, just till you get things together, you know, just...

But wouldn't that be weird? Since we just started dating?

You know, I can be your lady. And your landlady.

[both chuckle]

Yeah, it would be weird, but that's how I know

[stuttering] it's the right thing.

God, you are so strong.

I know.

[chuckles]

[muffled screaming]

[Maria] Okay, so I had no boundaries with Graham in the past.

I wasn't gonna let that happen with Chad.

I had to break up with him.

Okay, hi. Are we ready to order?

Here's what I want you to do for me, Brian.

I want you to run my card now.

I'm gonna be making a hard out after appetizers,

'cause I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.

I mean, he's not my boyfriend per se...

I mean, we haven't even kissed,

but we have said, "I love you."

[chuckling] Right. Oh, very good.

Wanna hear my plan?

Okay, he's gonna sit down,

and I'm gonna look at him and say,

"Hey, Chad." That's his name, Brian... Chad.

I'm just gonna look at him and say,

"Chad, I just can't see you anymore."

God, I'm so on! I wish he was here right now.

[sighs] Help me out, Brian.

I would love to have a fun cocktail,

but I am up to my ear-balls in psych meds.

[both chuckle]

Do you have a non-alcoholic option?

Sans alcohol?

Let's see what our mixologist, Garlopfft,

can whip up for you.

[gasps] Oh!

[Brian] Here we have the Devil's Sugarbowl.

Compliments of Garlopfft.

I give you... Grandma's Candy Store.

[gasps] What a fun idea.

[screaming] Garlopfft!

[Maria chuckling]

[Brian] Here we are.

Last drink of the night. Something we call "Glass of Sugar."

Oh, what's in it?

Sugar in a glass.

- Oh. - Garlopfft left for the night. It's late.

[hyperventilating] I can't believe I've been stood up, Brian.

You know, you were gonna break up with him,

so it's probably for the best.

What kind of guy doesn't show up at Manjjiaznoz?

I'll tell you the kind of guy.

It's the kind of guy who sniper-blasts a puppy scientist

who's on the verge of curing cancer.

You know, I wasn't there,

but that story sounds pretty made up.

You know what, you weren't.

You weren't there!

[screaming] So zip it, ya dick!

- I'm just trying to help you out. - Easy, clown.

Don't go off on me, too. I'm outta here!

Clown!

[Maria] How dare you stand me up?

Chad is dead meat!

[sobbing] I know, honey. It's unbelievable.

[man stutters] You must be Maria.

- We're Chad's parents. - [whimpering]

We saw his GoPro.

We know how much you meant to each other.

The love part.

Oh. You saw that?

Chad's GoPro survived the kiln explosion.

[sobbing]

Wha... He's a potter?

So what's going on? Where's Chad?

He's dead, honey.

He hit the end zone and kept on running.

Like Bo Jackson on Monday Night Football, right?

- [sobbing] - Right. What a game. [sniffling]

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

[Maria] I'm so sorry. [repeats indistinctly]

[Maria] Death. The ultimate boundary.

My best friend's husband, Paul, was obsessed with death.

So, naturally, I was drawn to him.

- It's a banana in a car. - [laughing]

Paul, these drawings are awesome.

Nah, they're just dumb doodles.

These aren't dumb.

This is incredible. What is this?

Oh. That's a drawing of me trying to hang myself,

but I made the rope too long, so I'm just standing.

I fucked it up like I fuck up everything.

Paul, you sound depressed.

And I should know because I am really depressed, clinically depressed.

But art is helping me.

If you did more art,

you could feel better about yourself and your life, in general.

Susan doesn't like it when I'm creative.

[stutters] What?

She probably supports you now, right?

Not at all. She thinks we're working on your will.

- Oh. - [Susan] Ding-dong.

Hide the stuff.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey. [chuckling]

Why do I smell marker?

[laughing]

Oh. We were just working on some Post-its for Maria's end-of-life five wishes.

Yeah, like a colorful, living revocable trust.

Aw. Isn't he the best?

- Yeah. - Maybe one day you'll get one of these.

Oh.

- [grunting] - Yeah.

- [blows raspberry] - [all chuckling]

- But he's a human being. - [both laughing]

All right, we gotta get you in the Lexus, okay?

'Cause you need some golf pants.

[gasping] Somebody's gonna throw a little ball around.

We can't meet like this anymore.

Paul, you need art.

[Susan] Paul, get your white ass in the Lexus!

[sighing]

Skype me later, okay?

It's Susan's bath night, so we should have an hour and 45 to talk.

Maybe two hours if she has wine. She's gonna have wine, so...

[breathes heavily] Cool, cool.

[Marilyn] Hi, we're home.

- [Maria] Hi. - Hello, kiddo, listen.

I don't know what's going on, but you're playing with fire.

Susan called earlier, and she's pretty PO'ed.

She said Paul's drawing his head off,

he's slacking with his work, and Susan's sick about it.

Well, we're just making art. He's a really good painter and drawer.

We just won the logo contest for the psych center.

No offense, honey, but if that won first prize,

there are lots of zeros in that group.

Anyway, talk to Paul. No more art.

Susan can talk to him.

He's her husband. I'm not married to him.

Oh, sweetie, we're all well aware you're not married.

Anyway, your father and I went to the greatest show tonight,

the Cirque du Soleil.

[Joel] A display of art and showmanship.

It was French, but made you feel American.

Yes, it was called Q'Ontained, with a Q.

And you know how crazy I am about things that fit inside other things.

[Marilyn] I said to Joel,

"Oh, dear Christ, Joel, he's gonna do it."

She did. And you know what?

- He did it! - He did it.

[audience cheering]

[Joel] I couldn't believe it.

[Marilyn] And I said, "Joel, oh, sweet Jesus in a basket.

He's in, Joel! He's in!"

And you know what? He was in!

[audience cheering]

[Marilyn] I'm telling you, it was sorcery.

The dark arts!

I can't even picture what was actually happening.

And now, your father has some new ideas.

- Sex ideas. - [Joel] Mmm-hmm.

- Oh. - With sex.

- Maria, - [Maria] Oh, boy.

It is possible to have

- a highly satisfying sex life... - Oh, God.

...well into your 70s.

- That was the point of the show. - Oh, God.

But seriously now, don't have Susan's husband draw anymore.

Okay? It's better to just keep things bottled up.

You know, the Midwest way.

Q'Ontained.

- [smacks] - Giddy up.

Q'ontain yourself, Monsieur Joel.

- [smacks] - I can't.

[Joel] Let's go inside other things.

- [Marilyn] Okay. - [Joel chuckles]

[Joel smacks]

I should've gone to bed.

Hmm...

[screaming]

Yeah. No one can hear me comin' in my new Moon Boots.

And no one can hear you scream.

Gotcha, poop drawers. You've been served.

[boots squeaking]

Paul's billing me for the time we spent drawing together?

Nope, I sent you that.

That's for all the billable hours that you cost Paul and my family.

You think I didn't know you guys have been

sneaking off and Skypin' about

your dumb art stuff for the past two weeks?

Paul needs this outlet. I think he's really depressed.

Yeah, everybody's depressed, Maria.

It's called being an adult.

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

No more art, Maria.

[boots squeaking]

Stop giving my husband hope.

[boots squeaking]

You can't hear me...

but I'm always there.

[chuckles]

[Maria] Sometimes life works out the way it should.

But not for Chad, because he's dead.

[man] Many of you here know Chad from his many charities.

Saving the Dolphins.

Pots for the Poor.

Abogados Sin Fronteras.

Scuba for Burn Victims.

India.

Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.

And of course, his great passion, International Pug Rescue.

[gasps]

[whispering] Pugs?

He was an active athlete...

- I knew that, I knew that. - ...who loved sport.

While we mourn for Chad,

let us also be comforted by the fact that Chad died as he lived...

throwing pots on a wheel for orphans.

And racking up 20,000 steps on his Fitbit.

[crying]

Now, I'd like to bring up somebody who is very important to Chad...

Maria Bamford.

[whispering] Okay, okay.

It's no problem.

Don't get up.

Chad would've wanted me to be as active as possible.

Do lunges.

[panting]

[sighing]

Hello, everyone.

I knew Chad for about a month and we spent a lot of time together.

Did a lot of activities.

[chuckles lightly]

I used to have a lot of issues with boundaries... [chuckles]

and, uh...

now I realize my main issue,

the real issue, is that I put up too many boundaries and that...

I was keeping love out.

Hearing of all of Chad's just amazing

accomplishments, I think...

he could have been someone I could've had babies with, were that safe.

But I am 45 and that is irresponsible!

At this point, it's just selfish and I should adopt.

It's like this veil...

has been lifted...

and where the monster was...

I am... I am a monster.

Oh, dear Chad.

You loved me and I couldn't love you back.

I wasn't ready, and I am so sorry, and I feel so ashamed.

[groaning] Oh, Chad!

[sobbing]

Amen.

- Sweetie. - Thank you.

[crying]

And now a couple of words from Chad's wife.

[sobbing] What?

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

[man] Hey, Maria.

Rick Rondo, CAA. I worked with Chad at CAA.

- Oh. - You know, before he died,

he was so pumped about signing you.

He said he was one action date away from nailing it down.

[stutters] He wanted to sign me?

He was an agent?

Yeah. At CAA.

Our team pulled your OKCupes profile.

What did you think those action dates were about?

- What? - I mean, you had him hiking,

spelunking, sailing.

If that kiln explosion hadn't literally ripped him in half,

signing you would have.

- [chuckling awkwardly] - Yeah.

Anyway, I'm picking up his sloppy seconds,

and I want you to know something important.

Maria...

I love you.

Oh... [gasps]

I love you, too.

[choir singing] I don't know what I'm doing

More than half of the time

[upbeat music playing]

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