All language subtitles for LA to Vegas s01e02 Dead.eng

What are we looking at?

Unattended bag. We're debating
how long it has to be there

before it's considered suspicious.

The only thing suspicious about that bag

is why someone would buy it.

It's not dangerous. It's
probably just some girl's.

Some tacky girl's. She's
better off without it.

I don't know. It's not that bad.

You know whose it is? I bet it's Nichole's.

She doesn't need a bag that size.

She goes to Vegas just to strip.

All her clothes fit in her wallet.

Oh, it could be Artem's, though.

He could've won it off another gambler.

BERNARD: No, he stopped
accepting luggage as payment

ever since that duffle
bag gave him bedbugs.

I think it's beds that get Artem bugs.

Well, it's got to be
somebody. Probably that Brit.

What's his name, your make
out buddy from the bathroom?

- Colin.
- I bet it's him.

- British men are basically American women.
- BERNARD: No.

That bag is way too expensive
on a professor's salary.

This is dumb. We can't stand
here all day staring at a bag.

I'm gonna call security.

They'll take it away or
explode it or whatever.

Ronnie, don't.

- It's my bag.
- What?

I've been looking for it for
20 minutes, and I come back here

and you guys are talking about
how it's ugly and a girl's bag.

- It's both.
- Sorry.

I was waiting for you
to leave to pick it up,

but you know what? I am not ashamed.

I am a modern man. I do
not subscribe to labels.

I can own whatever bag I want.

I am Captain Dave, and I
am proud to own a pink tote.

Hot saleslady sold it to you, didn't she?

Ugh, she was so hot, Bernie.
I was trying to impress her.

I haggled her up.

- It was Captain Dave's bag?
- Mm-hmm.

Ronnie is winner!

Drinks are on me tonight!

- [CHEERING]
- All right!

PILOT [OVER P.A.]: Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

?

[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING] [ELECTRONIC CHIME]

Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com

[GASPS]

Don't you worry. She's here.

- Who?
- Ronnie.

That's the one you're
desperately looking for, yes?

Nope. I was just sitting here

studying up for my
weekend fatherhood duties.

It's like a 48-hour test every week,

and I won't know how I did for 20 years.

Don't lie to me. I'm
a professional gambler.

I read people.

I'm just trying to read my book.

A book. Hey.

You know what book I like?

That one about the girl who's gone

and Ben Affleck had to look for her.

Did you ever watch that book?

"No" feels like the quickest
way to end this conversation.

Hi, Ronnie.

See? Desperately, your head was like...

What just fell out of your
hair? Are those muffin crumbs?

"No" feels like the quickest
way to end this conversation.

Oh, God, I would love
for today to just be easy.

I'd settle for one flight
without any fighting, vomiting,

or fake emotional support animals.

Hey, Darryl isn't just some duck in a vest.

He's helped a lot of people.

No, I know. He has. I'm sorry.

I'm just, I'm in a weird
mood. I had a date last night.

And it didn't go well?

I wouldn't know. I didn't actually show up.

I bailed ten minutes before,

then hid my phone in a box of Kashi GOLEAN

in case he texted back.

Really? Kashi GO...

Okay, it was an empty box of wine.

Can we just focus on my
almost dating, please?

I'm sure you had a good
reason for not going.

Yes. And that reason is
I'm a terrible person.

Hello, friends and colleagues.

Guess who has two thumbs, nine toes,

and just nailed an interview
with Aviator Magazine.

That's right, this guy.

Favorite part of flying? Easy, the rush.

If I had one wish? More wishes.

Personal hero? Latinos.
They've been through so mucho.

Yup. It appears old
Captain Dave Pratman here

has been named one of Aviator Magazine's

top ten pilots to watch. So
keep your eyes open, kids.

But don't stare for too long,

because this superstar burns bright.

Well, it sounds like a straight
white guy's doing great.

So at least there's some
justice in the world.

[PASSENGERS WHOOPING, CHEERING]

_

This seat's open.

Oh, these?

They're just coupons for the
club I dance at, Grapefruits.

Free fruit salad with every lap dance.

- [COUGHING]
- Oh...

I didn't realize you were
sick. Um, that's fine.

You can still come to the
club. Just ask for Danielle.

She can take it. She beat super gonorrhea.

Is there a coupon to make you stop talking?

[COUGHING]

Ah, long time no see.

Hey. Hi.

Ah, before I forget, I
have something for you.

It's the key lime pie from Foundry.

Well, since you never showed up to try it,

I thought you might like a piece.

[GASPS] You are the spurned rendezvous.

Oh, that's good. People know.

I was worried it wouldn't
be embarrassing enough.

- There's nothing in here.
- Yeah, that's right.

The key lime pie actually
texted at the last minute

- to say it couldn't make it.
- I'm sorry.

I know that I should've
texted you earlier...

It wasn't just the
timing, it was the content.

All you said was, "I just can't."

That's not an explanation.
That's a clue on Dateline.

"Her last text was, 'I just can't.'

Then they found her hand buried
in a Dumpster in Jacksonville."

Isn't all of Jacksonville a Dumpster?

No? Bad time?

I just don't understand,
Ronnie. We spoke every day.

There was flirting and chemistry
and... suggestive emojis.

That wasn't suggestive. I
really was washing an eggplant.

At least finish the text
for me. You just can't what?

You can't find parking?
You can't pick an outfit?

- You just can't what?
- I just can't this.

You want to know why I canceled, Colin?

Because you freaked me out, okay?

You freaked me out.

- [ELECTRONIC CHIME]
- Excuse me.

- Pie? What kind?
- Symbolic key lime.

Oh, I like coconut cream.

- That's nice for you.
- No, it's not.

I'm allergic to coconut.

[ELECTRONIC CHIMING]

Uh... Shalom, guys.

- One large beer, please.
- How old are you?

13, but I'm a man tomorrow, so...

- Well, give me a ding in eight years.
- I can't.

Men and women can't be alone
together unless they're married.

Wow. That actually sounds
really good to me right now.

Maybe I should convert.

Well, we're always
looking for girls like you.

This is your captain...

And one of Aviator Magazine's
top ten pilots to watch...

Here to give you a little reminder.

Just because you pay for sex

doesn't mean you have to pay a lot.

So do what I do.

Go to Madame Kitty's Ranch off the 6.

Because you deserve to get a hando

without paying an arm and a leg.

Ten pilots to watch.

Can you believe it?

Lot of big names have been on that list.

Sully, Travolta, Chewbacca.

The Wookiee?

No, the hairy Austrian
that flies for Delta.

And you know who's never been on that list?

Stupid Captain Steve.

- Isn't he married to a model?
- Catalog model.

And this isn't about him. This is about me.

I tell you, Alan, this article is the thing

that's finally gonna
make my career take off.

- [PLANE WHIRRING]
- [PASSENGERS GASP]

- Are you okay?
- Uh... yeah.

That was... that was nothing.

I think it was your fault.

- I'm not touching anything.
- Well, maybe you should've been!

Because everyone believes
that Ben Affleck killed her,

so he has to go to Madea for help.

Turns out the girl is not gone.

No, she is at Doogie Howser's house.

I thought she was at Barney

from How I Met Your Mother's house.

You read it, too? What about you my friend?

Hello, friend, are you okay?

Hello?

Oh, no.

Yeah. No.

I think he's Gone Girl.

BOTH: Ronnie!

- Are we sure he's dead?
- I don't know.

Bernard took the emergency
manual; he's checking.

Yep, he's super dead.

I never had anyone die on my watch before.

We should cover him with something.

We could cover him with my Hogwarts cloak.

Damn it, Alan, no one
cares about Star Trek.

Even if we wanted to use
Alan's gross cloak, we can't.

Airline protocol says we can't
officially acknowledge death

on the plane; we have
to wait until we land.

Then he's pronounced dead on the tarmac.

- That's how I want to go.
- It's probably best not to draw

any more attention to him anyway.

We don't want any of the other passengers

to start freaking out.

- Like that chick?
- [ELECTRONIC CHIMING]

It was the Ruth Bader
Ginsburg comment, wasn't it?

That's what freaked you out. I was joking.

Of course I believe she
has legs under that robe.

I can't even describe
how not the time this is.

You can't just tell
somebody they freaked you out

and then drop it... It lacks couth.

- You lack couth.
- I have a buttload of couth!

You were just so damn intense, okay?

Like when we were planning the dinner.

It should be pretty
simple, right? I counted.

You sent me 14 Yelp pages,
five different menus,

and one article about how L.A. is

in the middle of a pickle boom?

Renaissance. Pickle renaissance.

Hi. Um, I think my button's broken.

Nichole, did you need something?

Um, yeah. Look, I don't want to be a pain,

but is there anything
you can do about, um...

I'm sorry. It's a full flight.
There's nowhere to put him.

And we're trying to be discreet,

but I do have something I think will help.

These were in the lost and found.

"YOLO." So true.

[CHUCKLES]: Um, okay.

There's got to be something you can do

to make me feel better about this.

- What do you mean?
- Well, like, in college,

if your roommate dies, you get straight A's

for the rest of the semester.

I would know because my roommate
actually tried to kill herself,

but totally blew it at the last second.

It got me so upset, I don't
even want to talk about it.

Wait, were you upset because she
tried or because it didn't work?

No, Ronnie, because she
broke the ceiling fan.

Look, all I'm saying is
that some people might say

that a dead seatmate

is way more traumatic than a dead roommate.

Fine. How about I start counting strippers

as military for early boarding purposes?

Great. People are always
thanking me for my service.

Landing.

Landing. No problem.

[EXHALES]

Done it a million times before.

- What the hell?
- Why are your hands all weird?

Why do you keep paying
so much attention to me?

- Are you in love with me?
- [CHUCKLES]: No.

- This is the back of the plane.
- What are you doing back here?

Well, Captain Dave said I was
getting a little too worked up,

- so I needed a juice time-out.
- Oh, fine. Here.

Just dilute it with water
so you don't go hyper again.

- [GROANS]: Oh.
- [SIGHS]

Okay. So Nichole seems to be under control.

- How is Artem handling it?
- Well...

I feel so guilty.

Do you know my first
thought when I saw he's dead?

"I should've made airplane death pool."

I'm a terrible person.

- I feel no better.
- [DUCK QUACKING]

This duck is broken.

He'll be fine. Darryl's a pro.

Call me crazy, but I think

we're actually gonna get away with this.

- [MAN GRUNTS]
- ALAN: What?

Hey, what the hell are you doing?

Everything's okay. The dead guy's alive.

That's not the dead guy.
This is the dead guy.

[PASSENGERS GASPING, MURMURING]

And that, everyone,

is why you should always
turn off your cell phones.

So true.

To anyone feeling uneasy don't worry

we'll be starting our
descent at any moment.

And for the rest of you, I
can't believe I have to say this,

please stop taking selfies with the body.

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

- You look bummed. ?
-Yeah.

A man's death forces you
to consider your own legacy.

And for me, that legacy
is a black-hearted coward,

confused with the films of Ben Affleck.

Well, there's still time to change that.

The Talmud says a man's legacy
is not sealed upon his death,

but upon every moment which he lives.

- Oh, that's comforting.
- Yeah.

- And Talmud says that?
- I don't know.

People listen to you more when
you say the Talmud says it.

No one's actually read it,
so no one can call you out.

Thank you. I feel much better.

- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS]

Hey, uh, can you get me a beer?

No, you cannot trick me, little policeman.

- Ronnie?
- Yeah.

Hi. Um, since the secret's out,

could you do something about this?

Just hang tight, okay?

We're gonna be landing any minute.

Just be normal!

Can you please just move him?

I can suppress anything, but
even I'm reaching my limit here.

Okay.

Ooh. You want to play
a game? Heads or tails?

Heads?

[GRUNTS] Yeah, I'm not
sure this game had a winner.

I'm sorry you're stuck doing this.

I asked Bernard for help,
but he just reminded me

how much his hand cream
cost, then walked away.

It's quite all right. In many ways,

this is the perfect metaphor for us.

Oh. Pretty quippy for a
guy holding a dead body.

I am pretending he is a rug.

I'm pretending I've never done this before.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

All right, what's going on?

Nothing. What are you talking about?

Tell me. Or I'll tell
everyone what happened

- the night we were grounded in Billings.
- You wouldn't.

We both agreed Billings was a mistake.

Okay, look. When I was in high school,

I was a star football
player, big man on campus.

Hands down, the best
punter in the district.

In fact, it was my punt that got us

into the state championship game.

- That sounds wrong.
- It was right after that game

that I got a... I got a
hitch in my-my kicking motion.

Almost like a... like a stutter kick.

You're talking about the yips.

It was the most
challenging time of my life.

That was the most
challenging time of your life?

I watched my neighbor drown.

The point is, the same thing's
happening to me right now.

Every time I grab my
yoke... my hands go crazy.

I can't land this thing.

Well, if we're gonna die,
I'm gonna have some carbs.

Ugh! God.

Thank you.

And I am sorry for canceling.

In retrospect, I should've just said

"Let's bang one out and
hit the pancake house."

I like pancake's house. [CHUCKLES]

Look, Colin, we're just too different.

I really did us a favor by not showing up.

It's like when you know a
massive storm is rolling in.

You don't fly into it.

They cancel, and you go get
drunk at the airport bar.

Out of curiosity, how
many of your analogies end

with "and get drunk in the airport bar"?

Ronnie, we have a problem.

And it's not even that.

- The yips?
- Would everyone please

stop saying that word?

I-I have dead body all over my hands.

I will use whatever word I want.

Why don't you just let Alan land the plane?

Because Aviator Magazine named
me a top ten pilot to watch.

The only list Alan is on is the
top ten people who can suck it.

[GROANS] Ew. God...

Alan.

We need you, buddy. You're up.

Me?

Yeah.

?

[APPLAUSE]

- [PASSENGERS GASPING]
- RONNIE: Oh, my God!

BERNARD: Out of the way, out of the way!

[ALAN GRUNTS]

It's okay, everyone.

According to the manual, he's still alive.

Just curious

how terrified should we be

about all of this?

Depends. You know how to cure the yips?

Wait, my friend Krystal had that.

Her fingers kept locking up

every time she tried to unsnap her bra.

She had to stop dancing, but
now she runs the club's day care,

Little Grapefruits.

I still can't believe they
got approved as a Montessori.

- So what are you gonna do?
- Oh, God.

All right. We're landing this plane.

- Oh, you can fly. Thank God.
- No, but you can.

And I am going to help you through it.

This all started with the
magazine article, right?

That's good. That means it's all mental.

Just like your high school football thing.

So how did you get over
it when you were a punter?

I quit the team, transferred schools,

and now can't go near a football
without having a panic attack.

Okay. That's not helpful.

I guess the best way to get
over this is to quit Jackpot,

switch careers and
become a train conductor.

Conductor Dave. Yeah, that sounds good.

I'll be one of Railroad Magazine's

top ten conductors to watch.

Oh, God, the pressure.
I can't land this train!

Oh, my God.

BERNARD: This is the most depressing

travel experience I've ever
had, and I was on the Titanic.

Movie set. Billy Zane has some demons.

I'd never seen a dead body before.

In Britain, you try to die like a cat:

in a quiet corner, burdening no one.

Yeah, listen up, everybody.

Enough sadness.

This man is dead, but we are not.

And if I have learned anything
from this tiny rabbi here today,

it is that we must make

most of life while we have it!

[LAUGHS]

So come, let us all celebrate

that we're not dead, or Alan.

No. Let us rejoice.

[PASSENGERS MURMURING]

? Hava nagila? ?

? Hava nagila... ?

? Ve-nis'mecha ?

- Yeah! ? Hava... ?
- ? Hava ?

? Nagila, hava nagila ?

? Hava nagila ?

? Ve-nis'mecha ?

? Hava neranena, hava neranena... ?

Look, I know this whole top ten

thing has gotten to your head.

But that's not pressure.

Real pressure is safely
flying a plane full of people

who are all counting on you
to get them to their jobs.

To get them to their families.

To get them to the people
they're going to help.

And you already do that every day.

So put aside the what-ifs

and all the ways this could
go wrong, and just do it.

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: Jackpot
320, you are cleared to land.

So what do you think, Captain?
You want to land this thing?

Las Vegas tower,
this is Jackpot 3-2-0.

Mark her inbound.

Ready to land.

Ah! [KISSES LOUDLY]

[PASSENGERS CHEERING]

Yeah! We did it!

We're going to Vegas!

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

DAVE: Hello, passengers.

Sorry for the delay; wasn't my fault.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

[PASSENGERS CHEERING]

It's called Grapefruits, and yeah,

as long as you have a letter from a rabbi

saying you're a man,
they'll totally let you in.

? Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
we made you out of clay ?

? And when you're dry and ready,
the slot machine we'll play ?

? Hey! ?

Colin. Colin, hi.

Hey, um, I've been thinking.

Let's do it. You and me.

Let's put aside all the what-ifs

and all things that could go wrong,

and the public arguments in restaurants,

the breakups, the makeups,
the pregnancy scares,

so many pregnancy scares.

So I say let's fly into the storm,

let it tear the plane apart,
and see if we both survive.

What do you think?

You want to do this thing?

No. That sounds awful.

Why would we put ourselves
through any of that?

Up till now, our relationship
has been 90% fighting,

seven percent holding a dead body,

and three percent making
out in a tiny bathroom.

This isn't gonna work.

Yeah.

- Yep. Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah?

Uh, you're totally right.

I think I was just coming off
a high from landing the plane,

uh, but now that you say it,

it makes sense.

Okay. I'll see you Sunday.

Hello. This is Captain Dave Pratman,

top ten pilot to watch, returning
a call about a photo shoot tomorrow.

Just want to confirm
that it's not a practical joke.

I've been burned before.

Great.

I like it dirty. And I
don't mean the Martini.

This is the smoking section.

Boom.

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