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(Narrator) In the darkest days of the cruel Meconian Empire,

with the people's rebellion all but crushed,

ragged bands of freedom fighters refused to yield.

Bereft of leadership, the resistance floundered

until, from the depths of despair, there rose a glimmer of hope -

the son of a blacksmith and a stay-at-home mum.

His name was Kr�d M�ndoon.

Were Kr�d and his comrades the answer

to his oppressed people's prayers?

Oak.

The odds were long against them.

Hold, lad!

I see you have neither the courtesy

nor the good sense to disarm in a tavern full of Myrmidon guards.

Forgive me.

These are dangerous times for a loyal subject of the crown.

Hail, Emperor Xanus!

Wench, stand this good man a flagon of mead.

I've just come from Harkouth.

Resistance fighters there have been liberating the slave pens.

- Have you heard these reports? - Aye.

They say it was the work of Krod Mondoon.

Because I heard that... I'm sorry, what?

- He's a scourge! - Wow! Scourge... I like that.

Mark me, there's a cell in Dongalor's dungeon

set aside for the worm-faced M�ndoon.

- (Whispering) Worm-faced? - Focus.

(Clears throat) Would that be the same dungeon

that holds that traitor General Arcadius?

Indeed, but enough talk of rebel dogs!

I see from these runes you're from the New World.

I am. My father carved this sheath when I sailed from my homeland.

"Hroath g'blon brack rothan."

What does that mean?

It's gibberish. My father was illiterate.

But...

..this side bears my name.

Kr�d M�ndoon!

Don't move. You're surrounded.

Surrounded? By a girl,

a grobble and a leprechaun?

Leprechaun?!

He calling me a leprechaun?!

Now put your keys on the bar

or his next arrow finds your skull.

Give my regards to Chancellor Dongalor.

Let me just ask you a quick question, warrior to warrior.

The worm-face thing - what's that about?

No! Kr�d! Kr�d!

I know it's probably just a taunt,

but, you know, a label like that finds its way into a ballad and...boom!

- You're the worm-faced guy. - And we've lost him...

- Is there a term you'd prefer? - Well, first of all, thank you.

Um, yeah. I'd love to say "handsome", but then that comes across as cocky,

and to me that's worse because it goes to character.

Let me think here... Kind? No, no, no. Scratch that.

We're not writing a personal ad.

Ow!

- By the gods of Landor! - The captain's been shot!

If you're talking about this arrow,

- it was already there. - Who are you, dog?

Agh! My name is Kr�d M�ndoon.

And I am Loquasto, his slave.

(Sighs)

And I am Zezelryck, his sorcerer.

And I am Aneka.

His girlfriend!

If you're gonna tumble, you shouldn't wear that. They saw everything.

- Everything! - Attack!

Aaagh!

Aneka!

What the hell is that?

I don't know. It just does that sometimes. Do you think I should get it looked at?

Hell, yeah! What do you mean, do I think? Yes!

Fire!

Ow!

- No more crossbow for you, ever! - Sorry, master.

Want these, do you, love?

- What are you willing to do for them, eh? - Whatever it takes.

Zez, tame the fire with your wizardry.

I'm on it. I'm on it. Um...flames, abate,

so commands Zezelryck.

Flames, flames, go away! Come again another day!

This tavern must be protected by some sort of magic blocking aura.

- Just douse the fire somehow! - OK, OK.

- Ooh! - Zez, that was lamp oil!

- You don't think they should label that? - They did!

You don't think they should turn it round so somebody can read it?

Abort! Abort! Everybody out!

Mission over! Mission over! Go, go, go!

(Shouting)

Aneka! Aneka!

OK, that time, I didn't even see underwear.

It's tyranny

You're hearin' me

That makes the world go round

So give up your freedoms

You don't really need 'ems

And bow before the crown

Yeah, well, I like your energy. Um...

I just think it's so important with a song like that to believe what you're singing.

And I felt somehow you didn't.

Like maybe oppressive totalitarian regimes are not your cup of tea. Am I right?

- Well, um... - Oh, uh, be honest.

- There's no judgment here. - Uh-huh.

It's true, sire.

I don't care for 'em.

- No, they're not for everyone, are they? - No.

- Kill him. - Sire?!

What else, Barnabus?

A query from the emperor, sire.

He wants to know how you intend to deal with the rising rebellion

- here in Hessemeel. - Rebellion?

General Arcadius is behind bars.

There is no rebellion without him.

Well, specifically, sire, he inquired about the upstart, Kr�d M�ndoon.

M�ndoon?! Oh, please.

I knew him at the military academy.

He envied me. As you can imagine, I was pretty popular.

- (Man snickers) - Halt!

Who doubts me?

Barnabus, you were my footman back in my academy days - tell them.

And speak freely.

Well, now, sir, forgive my poor memory,

but I don't recall your being popular.

Maybe not campus-wide, but I had my crew.

Santtu Mooseknuckle, Hans Vik, Jonesy the Younger.

Those guys. In any event,

tell them about the time I thrashed Kr�d in front of all the cadets.

Surely you remember that.

And again, be honest.

Being honest... Yes, I do recall M�ndoon raining blows down upon you,

relenting only when you sobbed, albeit very bravely, for mercy.

Yes, and as he turned away in disgust,

who threw the rock at the back of his head?

- One of your slaves, sir. - Yes, and victory was mine.

It was yours. It was.

Yes... Now, enough talk of M�ndoon.

You may assure the emperor the only thing he has to fear...is me.

- (Horse nickers) - Sire, as someone whose fear of you

threatens my intestinal autonomy...

- (Stomach rumbling) - ..might I ask, why should our ruler,

whose empire spans three continents, share my terror?

Barnabus, show them.

Behold, the Eye of Gulga Grymna.

- (Stomach rumbling) - Keep it corked, Vanameer.

Sire.

OK, I'm just gonna put this out there.

I don't think that was anyone's finest hour.

- Myself included. - Mm-hm.

A couple of quick notes for you, Zez.

- Yeah, what's up, Kr�d? - The magic.

Mm-hm. What about it?

Well, we really could have used some back there.

I definitely don't understand what you're saying right now.

Well, when I took you on as my warlock,

you said that you could summon storm clouds

- and assume the form of animals. - And I can.

But understand what happened back there, Kr�d. The guy called me a leprechaun.

OK, that right there, that makes it a hostile work environment for me.

We're a roving band of guerrilla warriors! OK?

All of our work environments are hostile!

Owww!

Sorry! Just tending to your wound, master.

And that's another thing.

Will you stop calling me master?

You know I put myself out there as a freedom fighter.

I mean, you're just creating a PR nightmare for me.

But I am your slave, master.

Your father won me casting lots in a frontier brothel

and he gave me to you on your 13th birthday.

Yes, I know, and I freed you that day, didn't I? And many times since.

- You freed him a lot of times. - So, please...

Sorry...

master.

Uh, Aneka, I guess that leaves you. Combat-wise? Really very good.

- Possibly MVP. - Come on!

But there's an elephant in the room. I think everybody sees it,

- nobody's talking about it. - I love elephants.

- I couldn't wait for you to get to this. - Guys, no!

I'm talking about your wardrobe.

- What? - What about it?

We need more of it. Starting with underpants,

which, from now on, are mandatory.

Kr�d, I think you might be micro-managing right now.

What I wear or don't wear doesn't matter.

What matters is that I got the keys.

Right, which brings me to my second point.

- How? - They were, um...

..floating on an orb of white light.

Zezelryck must have caused it with his magicks.

- Zez, is that true? - Yes, it's true.

I went into kitchen-sink mode, threw everything I had out there.

Some of those spells are on a time release. So we may not know for weeks

all the good that I did.

Oh, so maybe that's what caused my sword to flame up?

You keep saying maybe, Kr�d. Try hell yes!

I'm telling you it was me. I was on fire! Give me some!

OK, guys, uh, bring it in, bring it in.

I got something I want to say. Um...

Right now,

our leader...

my mentor...

the great General Arcadius,

rots in a cold, wet dungeon beneath that palace.

(Eagle cry)

Every moment he remains captive

ushers us closer to a new dark age from which there may be no escape.

So as soon as Aneka can get down to the village

and buy a sensible pair of underpants and return,

we will take these keys,

we will free Arcadius

and we will halt the march of tyranny forever!

I wasn't kidding. Tick-tock, tick-tock!

Hessemeel!

Not much of a province, is it?

A bit of a laughing stock, if we're being honest.

We haven't the commerce of Feruzia.

The agriculture of Colostrum.

The vibrant arts scene of Harkouth.

And now that the Molkadian Whore Caravans

no longer make winter camp within our borders,

even our legendary sex tourism has vanished.

What we have, nobles...

..is nothing.

But that is about to change.

All thanks to the Eye of Gulga Grymna...

(Stomach rumbles)

..the deadliest weapon of the ancient world -

lost for millennia,

but recently unearthed by the finest child labor ever to feel the lash.

But, sire, the Eye was buried for good reason.

It very nearly destroyed the world.

Its deadly beam turned fertile valleys into barren wastelands.

Why, even the affordable seaside community of Atlantis

vanished under the Eye's lethal gaze.

You know your history, Vanameer.

Are you prepared for your future?

But, sire, with such a weapon in your possession,

do you not fear reprisals from the emperor?

With such a weapon in my possession, Vanameer, I fear nothing!

Apart from turtles. Ugh! Horrible little creatures. They give me the willies.

Enough nonsense!

Turn the Eye over to the emperor

or I'll inform him myself of your treasonous boast!

Will you, Lord Comstock?

(Slash)

Sir... Sir...

- Yeah? - This is Lord Comstock.

- That was Lord Conover. - Is it?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I thought we were going to get names carved in the back of the chairs.

Did that not happen?

Yes, well, let's make that an action item, shall we? Yes.

Guards? Seize him.

- Take him to the torture chambers. - Sir...!

Give him a bit of this... "No, please!"

A bit of that... "Ooh, no! I don't like it!"

And one of those...

Right, now, where were we? Er...

No, completely lost focus.

OK, let's take five. Er, Barnabus, send out for juice and muffins.

Cranberry all right?

If I can have your attention. My name's Kr�d M�ndoon.

- I'll be your liberator this evening. - (Cheering)

Shhhh!

Now, obviously, I would want to shake everyone's hand,

but I have a bit of a chest cold, you know?

It doesn't matter. I'm a leper!

Oh, good gods! Oh, OK, OK!

Good, good! On your way.

Quasto, I'm gonna need you to burn everything I'm wearing.

I'm right on it.

- When I'm done wearing them! - Oh. Right. Right. Ah! Better.

Smarter.

Yeah! You know what? It's not easy making the transition into civilian life.

Trust me, I know. So if you ever need a shoulder to cry on...

I was born in this dungeon. I never seen the sun.

Hey, it's hot and it's yellow.

Now, scram! What are you doing? I'm talking.

Now, where were we?

Oh! No, sorry... Enjoy your freedom!

Wait! You can't let this man go free.

He is not a political prisoner.

He is a horse raper.

He lays with horses.

Is this true?

- No. - Lie!

He said he fancied me as well. He asked me to whinny.

Listen...

- Horst. - Last name?

- Draper. - Horst Draper?

- Mm-hm. - Yeah, I think I can see

where the name might be causing some...um...

Look. Go free,

and if you absolutely have to lay with a horse, make it one of theirs.

- OK. I'll do that. - OK.

- Thanks. - All right.

That's the last of them, Kr�d.

What?! But the general... Curse the bastards!

- We're too late! - (Man) Kr�d!

General Arcadius. I've come to free you from this hellhole, sir.

As I knew one day you would. Rise.

You must be the lovely Aneka.

It's an honor, sir.

May I say, sir, you look well.

Dungeon life obviously agrees with you.

I credit love for my vitality.

Of course. Mrs. Arcadius eagerly awaits your return

at the safe house on Lake Cormada.

Actually, Kr�d, I was referring to my love for Bruce.

Right...

Refresh my memory, sir. Bruce is one of your lieutenants?

No, Kr�d.

Bruce is my everything.

(Whispering) I think we got a situation.

The general told me all about you.

Except how yummy you are.

- You work out? - Well, some upper body,

some light cardio... Yeah, excuse me, may I have a quick word?

Sir, am I in command of all the facts?

You and Bruce...?

Sir, I had no idea you...

Do you know how long I've been locked away in this dank and fetid dungeon?

Well, yeah.

Two weeks.

And it's co-ed, so...

Will this affect your ability to accept my command?

Sir, I'd follow you into the yawning gates of hell.

Good lad. Then lock up these men and we'll away.

No, wait! Quasto, don't!

What...? Um, Quasto?

(Whistles falteringly)

Well, I think that went very well. I think everyone was rather surprised.

- Yes, Lord Conover especially. - Oh, yes. He was a good man.

Yes, send a suckling pig to his widow. And some flowers.

Maybe a nice bottle of Asti.

And, uh, how long would you say before she's fair game?

Well, your attention could only bring her comfort in her hour of grief.

So, one hour of grief, then? Lovely.

Now, what say we take the Eye down to the marshes

and lay waste to some awful little village, like...

- What's that one you're from? - Come on, have a little think, sir.

If we were to detonate the Eye from the marshes, we'd only lay waste to ourselves.

It must be fired from an elevated vantage point.

- Do you see? - Even better.

We'll have it hauled up to Mount Cormada,

ice down a pony keg of grog, round up some wenches

and make a weekend of it.

What a delightful plan, sire. Now, unfortunately,

we have not yet unlocked the key to the Eye's operation. Wait a minute.

We believe the ancient hieroglyphs hold the key

and our finest scholars are decoding them as we speak.

- Have you threatened them with death? - Oh, I have, sir, yes.

- And killed one to rouse the others? - Of course.

And given goody bags to the survivors, just to let them know they're welcome?

- It isn't my first day, milord. - I know, I know.

I'm just excited!

- (Bugle plays) - So am I. Ooh!

- The dungeons have been breached, sire! - M�ndoon!

No, no, it's too heavy. Zez, could you throw a little magic at the problem?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.

I need y'all to... I need you all to get back.

If I'm going to do this.

OK. Uh... (Clears throat)

In the name of the unseen watching eyes,

I command you gate to obey and rise!

Rise! No, no, don't go back down!

Did you see what it just did?

It went up, then it went right back down. Why would it do that?!

OK, great, thanks, Zez. We're gonna need another plan to get out of here.

Them, they'll know.

Kr�d, not that way. All I need is five minutes alone with him.

Hey, no! No way! No. I forbid you.

You forbid me? Since when do you control my actions?

- Since you became my girlfriend. - Well, your girlfriend is a pagan.

I don't have your sexual hang-ups. You said you were OK with that.

Yeah, because I thought that meant

the occasional threesome and some light bondage.

I didn't know you'd be bone-jacking the enemy.

Sex is just another weapon in my arsenal.

Oh, please!

Do you even know how we got the keys to this dungeon?

Well, yeah. Zez said that spell.

- Uh... Rise! - Wrong. I got them.

My way.

The same way I got the night watchman in Harkouth to let us pass.

And the sheriff in Kellkurg to hide us from the Myrmidons.

- What, you used your... - And why do you think

the cobbler in Duvan told us what time it was?

You gave it up for the time of day?

We were standing underneath a clock!

What the hell is wrong with you, Aneka? You know, I want names.

- I don't have their names. - Faces?

I didn't always get a good look.

- (Snickers) - Hey! Now you tell us another way out,

or by the Gods of Landor, I will thrust my blade deep inside of you.

- Yum! - Cool it, Bruce.

There. By the wall.

The rebels, they dug a tunnel through the sewer.

We patched it with mortar.

Quasto!

- Now, dig! - (Zez) That is how you throw an axe!

Stop digging! Stop digging!

It's a rat, rat, rat! (Shrieks)

It's a rat. Um, I'll open up the floor to other options right now.

- This is our only option. - Apparently not.

We could have Aneka drain the enemy of their bodily fluids and then walk out.

You're pathetic.

That was awkward. Um...I'm going through the hole.

- Y'all need to work that out. - Come on.

Quasto, don't let no rats get on me!

Oh, baby, get my bag.

- Which one? - The one with the toys in it.

Nice.

Kr�d, come on. We have to go.

Oh! Me nuts! Back it up.

Why? The salami wagon just rolled up.

Don't you want to drop to your knees and roll out the pagan welcome mat?

Go to hell.

Aneka, wait...

Wench trouble, M�ndoon?

Dongalor.

General!

Damn!

Hang in there, sir. You're gonna be OK.

He's as good as dead, M�ndoon.

And so is your pathetic resistance!

Ha! It'll take more than one arrow to kill the greatest general that ever lived.

(Ax clatters)

That'll probably do it, though.

General...

- I failed you. - No, Kr�d.

You've only proven what I've known all along. You...are...

�Ay, papi! What happened? Hold me, Arcadius. Please just hold me.

Bruce...you insatiable meerkat.

OK, guys, can I just get one minute?

Sir, you were saying. I am...?

Angomorah...

Let's go.

Angomorah.

Interesting, no?

Yeah, what is that, gay for "goodbye" or...?

(Wolf howls)

All right, chaps? How are we getting on?

Let me know if you need anything. Coffee, snacks, whores...

Sir.

Do you recall Arcadius's last word?

Yes...

No. Was it "meerkat"?

No. Ango...

Angomorah. Yeah, no, I knew I knew it. I couldn't....

Well, Angomorah happens to be a prophecy, and it chronicles

the overthrow of the empire at the hands of, wait for it...

..a low-born swordsman.

Now, that must mean Arcadius believed...

That swordsman was Kr�d M�ndoon!

- Yes, sir. - Is that even possible?

(Narrator) It was more than possible.

It was Kr�d's immutable fate.

Right, I see.

- Was that you? - No. I thought it was you.

A fate he could not have fathomed that night

as he stared into the fire,

his heart heavy with grief

over the loss of his mentor General Arcadius,

surrounded by his closest allies -

a dubiously empowered warlock,

an ever-faithful grobble,

a libidinous pagan warrioress

and his late mentor's bereaved jailhouse toy boy.

Believe me, Archie...

But there were many battles still ahead

before Kr�d could lay claim to his prophetic destiny.

Where's my sword?

Not the least of which raged in his own head.

Gods! I am such an idiot!

Just retrace your steps, master.

I know I had it when I got out of the sewer, 'cause I disinfected it.

An unlikely band of heroes,

bound by a common cause and led by a self-proclaimed idiot.

Glory awaited...

Wait, oh, I found it!

No, no, no. That's not it.

..and waited...

- Guys, a little help? - All right.

..and waited...

(Zez) Did you check the fire?

Did I check the fire? Well, let me see...

No, it's not in the fire, Zez.

Consumed by guilt and grief over the loss of General Arcadius,

Kr�d trod the dawn-lit banks of Lake Hessemeel,

determined to carry out his mentor's final farewell

with precision, honor and, above all, dignity.

You may fire when ready, Loquasto.

(Plop)

Oh, come on.

Go ahead and take a mulligan.

(Quack)

I'll eat that.

- I got it. - Oh, that's lovely.

(Zezelryck) That's how it's done, Quasto.

Well, say a few words before it draws attention.

The boat or Loquasto's erection?

Sorry, I can't help it when she...

Don't make the man feel bad about something beautiful, Kr�d.

- Hit it with a spoon. - I'll do it later.

Is that Arcadius's widow?

Sorry I'm late. Enrique had to take it in at the bosom.

Continue.

(Clears throat)

He was a great man.

A brilliant general.

A fearless patriot.

- A generous lover. - Sure...

And he was the first person to ever truly believe in me...

myself included.

Ay, Kr�d,

that was beautiful.

That was lovely, master.

Now, what are we going to do with his body?

- Oh! - Wow!

Of course.

Ay, my baby!

Not my Archie!

(Eagle cry)

Council, I seek your advice in a most pressing matter.

Do not mollify me with what you presume I wish to hear.

Give me only the truth as you consider this question.

Can I pull this off? Yes, or no?

You.

Lord Vanameer? Hmm?

Well, sire...

in truth, I prefer the trousers.

- The pagan goat pants? - Yes, Chancellor, the goat pants.

- Yes, they're wonderful, aren't they? - Yeah.

See, I haven't really got the thighs to pull off a loincloth or a codpiece.

Even if I did, the nether hair that spills forth is revolting.

Indeed it is, sire, it's all kind of...

Myrmidons, kill this man.

Sire! No! Ouch!

Oh, and fetch my pagan goat pants.

- Thanks for the suggestion. - My pleasure, sire!

So, what next, master? Avenge the general?

Trust me, there will be some serious avenging.

But first, Aneka and I just need a little alone time.

- What? - Well, you know,

some things were said back in the dungeon. Some hurtful things.

But it's OK because, uh,

I know this great couples counselor right here in Hessemeel that we can...

I'm not going to couples counseling, so...

Oh, no, no! Nothing long term.

I'm just talking about a relationship tune-up.

- If it's Dr. Willaby, you should go. - Can we not do this here?

What are you talking about? These are my best friends in the world.

And Bruce. I mean, you can say anything in front of them.

Fine. Listen, Kr�d, what I'm about to say

has nothing to do with your inability

- to satisfy me sexually. - Guys, get lost.

- Yeah. We were... - That was very awkward.

I am never gonna be the girl that you want me to be.

What? No! Don't say that!

You can change...

Or I can change.

Oh, really? So you would be OK with me, say,

going home during the Raccoon Festival

- to complete the Rite of the 300 Moons? - Yes!

- Wow! - Is that like a hunting tournament?

What is that? Your astronomy thing?

- No. It's a religious rite... - Great! Even better.

..in which good pagan girls, on the eve of their 300th moon,

must lay with 300 men.

- Oh, dear gods! - 300 men?!

- Gods! Of course I'm not OK with that. - My point exactly!

She gonna stab him! She's about to stab him!

And I thought you could have been one of the ones.

Wait, no! Wait, wait! Aneka, wait! Aneka! Aneka?

Let her go, man. Let her nasty ass go. Hmm!

Mm-mm-mm. What a day, huh?

300 men, don't no man want that!

Barnabus, what news? Have we cracked the secrets of the Eye yet?

No, sir. The weapon remains inert.

Daggers!

Although our scholars couldn't translate the runes,

they were able to identify them as Turbidian hieroglyphs

belonging to an almost-dead language. Now, the good news is,

we have managed to find an elder fluent in this ancient tongue.

- What, him? - Yes.

Are you able to decipher these runes, old man?

Me?

- Yes. - Oh! No, no, no, no.

Not me. Pappy!

My father says it's draughty in here.

He wants to know if anyone else feels it.

(Men murmuring)

Why is everybody whispering today?

Tell the guard to address me directly.

He would, except you had his vocal chords torn out for addressing you directly.

- Right... - Now, he brings very good news.

Kr�d M�ndoon has been spotted in the village, sir!

Arm the squadron. Ready my carriage.

And fetch a sweater for Pappy, keep him happy.

Joy! My pagan goat pants!

Angomorah...

Look, Bruce, if that's an invitation to do...anything,

I'm just gonna go ahead and pass.

Please! It was Arcadius's dying word.

- Oh! - It refers to the prophecy of Angomorah.

He would recite it to me during our lovemaking sessions.

- He would mount me and push my face... - OK, can we just skip ahead?

It chronicles the triumph of the resistance

under the leadership of The Golden One.

The Golden One?

It's a slightly less clich� way of saying the chosen one.

But either way, Arcadius believed it was you.

What? No. I can't be The Golden One.

I'm not a leader. I'm thin-skinned. I have bad hair.

I know, it's awful! But I have ideas. We could part it down the middle...

No, don't touch it, no! It's fine, just... Look...

This is a lot to take on board.

Is there somewhere I can read this thing?

There's nothing to read, Kr�d. Arcadius passed the prophecy down to me orally.

Oh.

- And anally. - Wow!

Look, Bruce, as much as I respect the general,

it seems he was pretty confused about a few things in his last few weeks

so I'm just gonna go ahead and chalk this prophecy thing up

to big house pillow talk.

Kr�d, all I know

- is that the love of my li... - Last two weeks?

He sacrificed himself so that you can live.

Don't tell me he died in bain.

In bain?

No. In bain.

- In pain? - No, in bain!

In vain, like a senseless death.

- Oh, in vain. Right. - You didn't hear me the first time?

- (Arrow whooshing) - Like that bloke over there.

- Exactly, that's what he's saying. - Or him.

Forget that one, that's a much better version.

Guys, guys! It's a raid! Hide!

(Horses neighing, people shouting)

- Well, go on, do the thing. - What thing?

- All hail Chancellor Dongalor. - Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

All hail Chancellor Dongalor!

Ooh, depressing. How can they live like this?

Your aggressive taxation, sir, leaves them no choice.

What am I supposed to do?

Not bathe in tears harvested from Toltec cavern leopards?

You know, I think sometimes you don't see the bigger picture.

You make a very good point, sir.

Hear ye, all who sympathize with the so-called resistance.

Last night, the rebel dog Kr�d M�ndoon raided the imperial dungeon.

Some 40 souls escaped.

(Sing-song voice) We know he is in the vicinity!

Reveal yourself, M�ndoon,

or I'll take the life of one villager every minute until you comply.

Excuse me! How will you mark the time to a minute?

Even our most accurate sundials are approximate at best.

Er...good point. Barnabus?

And define "villager".

My daughter and I live in a village, but not this one.

Right, yes.

How do we usually do this? Locals only, or...?

Since you've given no thought to time management or regional considerations,

how will you possibly arrive at an equitable system

to decide whom to kill first?

Why me?

(Dongalor) How many more, M�ndoon?

How many will have to answer for your crimes?

Gods, he'll kill everyone in the village until I go out there.

Kr�d, there's no shame in fleeing.

Well, there is at first, but eventually it goes away.

That's it. I'm going out there.

Master, to go out now would be suicide.

Yeah, and to do nothing is murder.

Look, if I'm not back in two days, Quasto, give that to Aneka.

- Pewter? - What, Bruce?

Oh, right! You're mad that she dumped you,

and pewter is her punishment. I get it.

Look, guys, I want you to meet me at the ravine...

I chose pewter, Bruce, because of its virtues, OK?

It's honest, it's strong, it's how I'd like Aneka to remember me.

- Cheap? - Frugal!

- Which, by the way, is also a virtue. - Is it?

Look, I'll meet you at Cormada Falls in two days, OK?

So until you get back, I'm in charge, right?

- Sure. - You heard what he said, y'all.

I'm in charge. So we go on my move, my move only.

Pay attention, Quasto.

This way, follow, let's go.

Be careful, master.

Get down, get down!

Hi, um...

I never normally do this, but you are absolutely adorable

and I would love to take you out for a bite to eat.

You just killed my father!

Well, then, I guess I won't be asking him for permission!

(Laughs)

- Too soon? - (Kr�d) Here I am, Dongalor.

Well, well, M�ndoon.

What have you to say for yourself?

Oh, just one thing. All hail Chancellor Dongalor!

(Horse nickers)

Damn sword!

I forgot the blade sticks in the warmer months, so I just...

Fool.

(Neighing)

(Dongalor laughing)

Wakey, wakey! (Laughs)

We need more tinkle. Fill the piss pot, Barnabus.

I don't think I require any further relief presently.

Oh...

Will you fill it?

Bit weird on a first date?

(Dongalor) So you think you can kill M�ndoon where others have failed?

- What are your strengths? - Killing people.

- Weaknesses? - I can be a bit distant at times.

Who's the most famous person you've killed?

The emperor's half-brother.

No, no. Roger The Weak died in a hunting accident.

Wink, wink.

Mm-mmm!

Where do you see yourself in five years' time?

Killing people.

If you were a tree, what kind would you be?

A killing tree.

Honestly, you both impressed the hell out of me. It's a tough call.

Er...

Do you have a preference? I'm torn.

Let me help you decide.

(Men gasp)

Looking for this?

Oh... No. No.

Actually, I get very itchy. I've got terrible athlete's foot.

Take Barnabus. Do anything you want.

Gay stuff included.

I hear you want Kr�d M�ndoon dead.

And how do you know this?

- Sir, it was in the advertisement. - Was it?

- Yes. - Oh, right.

I represent the Stygian Corps,

a consortium of the deadliest assassins anywhere in the empire.

Sire, the Stygian are the most trusted name in contract killing.

Are they?

- Yes. - Oh, good.

If you decide to go with Stygian, I'll assign one of my finest killers

and guarantee that M�ndoon and the pagan wench will be dead before morning...

or your next two assassinations are free.

I love everything about him. He's got flair, panache,

even brio, which almost no one has anymore.

If I may, sire, can I suggest we play our cards close to the chest?

Make him sweat.

Yes, it's still very early on in the interview process.

We still have a vast number of A-list assassins yet to see,

not naming any names, suffice to say...

Oh, who am I kidding? You're perfect. Come on, let's kill together!

Not a hugger.

I respect that.

I know what you're thinking.

Craziest first date ever. But fun, right?

A little?

Who have we here?

Kr�d M�ndoon!

Do I know you?

You rescued me from the imperial dungeons just yesterday.

Right. Yeah. You're the guy whose name is eerily reminiscent

of the very crime you committed.

Allegedly.

Horst Draper at your service.

Let's get you to safety, my friend.

Are you fit to mount a steed?

Well, it depends what you mean by that.

Say hello to Miss Millie.

(Horse snorts)

Oh, right!

She's your, uh... I mean, do you...?

Oh! No, no, no.

She's just a friend.

(Man) 300 moons ago, a pagan angel was born.

Tonight she spreads her wings.

Please welcome one of the most spiritually gifted newcomers

to ever grace this hallowed stage!

The woman who put the "rack" in raccoon!

(Cheering)

Can I get an "amen"?

(Crowd) Amen!

All 300 men to say hello to...Aneka!

(Cheering)

(# Dance music plays)

(Kr�d) Dear Aneka, Kr�d here. What have you been up to?

In case you hadn't heard, I'm safe now, after a narrow escape...

(Whispering) Miss Millie,

are you ready to go to the meadows and chase fireflies?

(Horst chuckles)

(Clears throat)

Hello, Kr�d.

Didn't see you there.

I thought you and Millie were just...

There's been a development.

Relationships are weird,

sometimes disturbingly so,

but I know we'll emerge from this hiatus stronger than ever.

(Cheering and whistling)

I may not be able to write again soon for fear of disclosing my location,

so I guess I'll just scribble mushy journal entries until we meet again.

Just kidding. I don't keep a journal.

Seriously, I don't!

Until we're reunited, I remain faithfully yours,

Kr�dford J. M�ndoon.

P.S. Remember that 300 raccoon thing?

That's not for real, is it?

Shh! OK, shhh!

Now can I see a show of hands

for anybody who would like to assist the lovely Aneka?

Of course it's not real! You were just trying to get my goat.

Well, goat gotten.

Horst?

I don't want to get in the way, buddy, if you're here for Millie!

I'm here for you, M�ndoon.

What's this? Ah, a journal.

Hey, that is private!

"But what I miss more than the sex is the cuddling."

(Laughs) Oh, this is good!

You do not have permission to read that!

Huh. What a knob.

(Tinkling)

General Arcadius?

Hroath g'blon brack rothan.

Wait, that's what's written on my sword. How do you know that?

I asked your father to inscribe it there.

You knew my father?

But you're a legendary general. He was just an illiterate blacksmith.

He was not a blacksmith, Kr�d.

He was...

..a hooper. He made barrels.

Nor was he illiterate. Though I'd hardly call him a reader.

"She could go cold just like that.

"No warning. Was it me? Or was it her?"

- You are such a dick! - Use your blade, not your tongue.

(Arcadius) Hroath g'blon brack rothan -

let fire flow through this steel.

Wait, fire?

It's funny you should say that, because this thing has been flaming up lately.

- I just assumed it was defective. - The fire comes from within you.

But you cannot master the blade

until you quieten your mind and accept your destiny.

My destiny?

You, Kr�d, are The Golden One.

What, seriously?

I'm the guy who's supposed to save the resistance?

Not you alone. Aneka as well.

The prophecy tells of a pagan maiden

who fights ever by the side of The Golden One.

But Bruce never mentioned Aneka.

No surprises there. He often zoned out when I spoke of the fairer sex.

Loser!

The point being, you need her, Kr�d, and she needs you.

Aneka needs me?

If Dongalor sent an assassin for you, surely she's in danger too.

Hey, buddy, you chose the wrong guy to read the diary of.

This is demonry!

No. This is destiny.

(Kr�d gasps)

(Humming happily)

(Kr�d gasps and moans)

Satisfying, no?

No, no. Hey! Horst...

(Narrator) After clearing up the misunderstanding with Horst,

Kr�d made haste to the pagan lands

to warn Aneka of her impending peril,

and perhaps put the kibosh on a pagan gangbang.

Um, excuse me, sorry to bother you,

- but this one's Aneka's hut, right? - No, that one.

Oh, man.

Damn pagan stupid... Jim?!

What are you...? Oh, man, this is...

You, you're like 90! He's ten, take him home! People are disgusting.

Hey, man, back of the line.

Hey! Back off, buddy.

Fricking pagans.

Go in peace.

Hi. Kr�d M�ndoon. Happy Raccoon Day...or whatever.

(Sighs)

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

Look, Kr�d, I really don't have a lot of time.

- Yeah, I know, I saw the line. - Please leave.

Aneka...

Who's next?

Me.

What the hell are you doing?!

He's an assassin, Aneka. He's here to kill you.

You are deluded.

Am I?

Stygian Corps. He is an assassin.

Pretty awesome, huh?

Seems like I get two for one today.

Hey, dick! I'm right behind you.

- No! Sheathe your sword or she dies. - Kill him, Kr�d.

OK.

- Fool - she dies anyway. - Shoot!

Agh!

Go in peace.

Aww! Sorry, master.

(Bruce) That was my fault.

- I covered the wrong eye. - Yeah.

Don't worry, I'll bone up on my reach-around technique.

No, it's OK.

(Zez) Ah, shoot! God damn it!

Dang it!

Hey, Zez, nice work with the flash bomb.

Flash? No, no. Oh! No, no, no.

You're talking about the way that I levitated you out of harm's way?

No, no, no, I was talking about the flash bomb that you threw at my feet.

The flash bomb from your magic set.

(Whispering) I told you about the flash bomb in confidence.

I would never go and reveal your secrets like that. Never.

Kr�d's got webbed feet.

Two of them. I've seen it. Swims like a duck.

What? That's gross!

What are you guys even doing here?

Oh, we brought you Aneka's love ring, master.

That is not...

So silly! It's not a love ring, it's a...a friendship ring.

That's funny, 'cause it's inscribed "Aneka M�ndoon".

Flash bomb!

What?! That is a typo. That shouldn't be there like that, um...

Anyway, uh, we should probably let you get on with your, uh...this.

No. This distraction has broken my communion with the great raccoon spirits.

My head wouldn't be in it.

300 men locked, loaded and looking for love, and you're closing up shop?

Are you crazy?

Hello, boys!

(Narrator) With his goat pants tightening,

Dongalor showed his new love around the palace,

hoping all the while for third base...or better.

Now, this is your room.

I'm just three doors down if you get chilly, or...whatever! (Laughs)

Breasts.

And tomorrow, I'll have Barnabus fetch your things.

But I don't have things.

Oh, that is the most adorable thing I have ever heard!

Dink!

Ah, sir. This gentleman here brings rather bad news from the pagan lands.

Project Angomorah has failed on two fronts.

(Man gasps)

(Shrieks)

Sweet dreams.

He did also have some good news, sir.

Well, always give good news first!

This man's blood is on your hands. I do apologize.

The good news is, our translators are making great strides,

though it seems we're still missing a crucial element

of the Eye's aiming mechanism, namely a crystalline focal lens.

Find that lens!

Sir, the search has already begun.

Well, now I'm too excited to sleep.

Maybe I'll steal in there for a quick little gropey, gropey.

I'd leave it till the morning, sir, let the shock wear off.

Yes... Well, what to do with all this nervous energy...

Oh, hello, old friend!

Barnabus, bring me a tub of goose fat and a clean sock. Thank you.

(Dongalor) Yes...

(Chuckles)

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