All language subtitles for Kolchak s01e16 Demon in Lace.eng

It was Goethe who said
we love girls for what they are.

Well, even the great Goethe
could have learned something...

from the tale that took place
on the campus of Illinois State Tech.

May 10, 11:02
- Don Rhiner, the school's star running back...

and candidate for All-American
was out for a drive.

Don never did make All-American.

Let's walk, Don.
Sure.

May 11, 10:00 a. m.

I wasn't too choked up with Vincenzo
sending me to an alderman's press conference,

so when I caught the police report
of two bodies being found...

on the I.S. T. Campus lake,
it gave me an excuse-

that, and running out of gas,
which I didn't plan.

No signs of trauma
on either one of them.

No address on the girl.

But we know she was a hype. Look
at the spike tracks on her arm.

That look on Rhiner's face-

Yeah, I know.

Just like that other student
we found Thursday- Burdett.

- Like he was scared to death.
- We're gonna have to keep that under wraps,

before somebody blows it up
into another Hindenburg disaster.

Don't worry. Report's got
Burdett dead of natural causes.

Heart attack.
Now this kid too?

Well, there's no law
against dropping dead.

Captain, what do you
think's going on?

Excuse me, Captain.

How long have you been here?
Who, me?

- How long?
- Oh. Uh-

"No law against dropping dead. "

You put that on the wire and I'll
have you eighty-sixed permanently.

I was just passing through.
Captain, I'm Rosalind Winters.

Just a minute, just a minute. You want to
take another trip in a police car, Kolchak?

I'm Rosalind Winters and- J-
Just hush up. Will you shut up?

I take it the department
has a formal writ to suppress, huh?

- Who signed it? Who issued it, huh? Who?
- I'm Rosalind Winters, reporter for the Blue Monitor.

- The blue what?
- The Blue Monitor- the campus weekly.

- Do you have a comment to make?
- Well?

Yeah, but you couldn't print it.

Come on, Mark.
Come on, let's go.

Hi there. My name's Carl Kolchak.
We haven't met. You're-

Mark Hansen. Mark Hansen, yes. You were
a friend of the deceased, weren't you?

Yeah.
Yes, could you tell me-

Look, Kolchak,
I gotta tell you something.

Some people dream
about retiring. Uh-huh.

I dream about breaking your face.
I love you too, Siska.

Listen. How's your therapy
coming along? A-okay? Shut up.

Absolutely bananas.

Oh! Uh-
Oh, excuse me.

Blue Bird-
Blue Monitor.

Blue Monitor. Yeah.
Where's the nearest gas station?

About a mile that way.
About a mile that way.

You wouldn't happen to have
a set of wheels, would you?

Sure. Come on.
Yeah?

Listen. When I said "wheels,"
I meant four. Mm-hmm.

Fill it up?

You know,
I've been thinking, Kolchak.

Now you and I could work together on this
story, because I know this campus inside out.

Sorry. I always work alone.

Work alone, walk alone.
What, now wait. Wait a minute.

Let's talk. Let's talk.

Yeah, we can talk
in the cafeteria next week.

Talk or walk, Kolchak.

Well, all right, all right.
We'll talk. We'll talk.

But you talk first, right?

I mean, I'm new around here. You're
supposed to know this campus backwards.

Well, it's weird, you know? I mean,
finding Don Rhiner by that girl's body?

They found Pete Burdett
with a dead girl too.

- Well, I didn't hear that.
- Well, a good reporter has her contacts.

- Who was the girl? Where was she from? What'd
she die of? - Uh, I'm- I'm working on that.

How about some facts?
Some names? Dates?

Was she dressed, was she nude,
was she half nude? What?

I don't know. What about, uh
- What's his name?

Burdett?
Burdett, yeah, and Rhiner?

They have any previous
history of heart attack?

I don't know! What kind
of reporter are you?

I said I was working on it.

When you finish working on it and
you get some facts, let me know.

Some collaboration. Some
reporter. Well, aren't you gonna-

Wait, wait. Where you
- Wait a minute!

Hey, wait!

I can't understand why the Coaches'
Association is interested in all this.

We're building a file
on unusual heart disease cases, Coach.

You see-
I'll be out in a minute.

Now-Now, Coach, you claim
that Don Rhiner...

was in perfect physical
condition, right? Right, right.

And that you checked out
Pete Burdett's medical history,

and he was a picture of health when he
tried out for the swimming team, right?

Actually, Burdett
never made the team. No?

You see, his butterfly stroke
was like an effeminate moth.

- Oh, pity.
- Both those boys had perfect E.K.G.'s.

Then how do you explain two young men-
two perfect physical specimens-

dropping dead from a heart attack?

Do you want the usual rationalization,
or can you handle the truth?

No, I can handle the truth, Coach.
Always the truth.

Don Rhiner was a playboy,
and he paid the price- bacteria.

- Bacteria? Germ-You mean germs?
What kind of germs? - Take your pick.

You see, I'll tell you
what I tell all my boys.

There's a war going on, right here
inside the body. Right here, huh?

Right. And there are only
two basic game plans:

Absolute physical hygiene,

and the other?

Tuna fish?

Tuna fish.

10:25. Craig Donnelly and Betty Walker
arrived at Donnelly's apartment...

after dinner and a few too many
glasses of champagne.

Wait right here, okay?
Okay.

The bubbly had tasted good, but for Betty
Walker it might as well have been strychnine.

And away we go!

I need an ambulance.
Hurry!

187 Felicity Street.

Oh!

The same night, 11:00 p. m.

The on-campus living quarters of
archaeology professor C. Evan Spate.

Spate, a recipient of a coveted
Pace Institute grant,

and his student assistant, Mark Hansen,
were attempting to discover the meaning...

in a piece of clay
some 10,000 years old.

You don't really seem
to be with it tonight, Mark.

Why don't you knock off?
Yeah, I'm sorry, Dr. Spate.

I guess I'm more upset about Don
Rhiner's death than I thought.

Yeah.
I think I will knock off.

It's coming along. Yes,
it is. Good night, Mark.

Good night.

On the night of May 11,
they would both make a discovery.

Yes?
Hi.

You don't know me,
but I wanted to meet you,

and I didn't know anyone
to introduce us.

So, uh-

Am I interrupting anything?

No. No, not at all.

Come on in.

Can I tell you something dumb?

Mm-hmm.

I want to touch your face.

I've seen it so many times.

I just want to convince myself
I'm really here.

Touch away.

It's a fine face.

Now what time did you see the girl
come into this room?

It was about 11:00, 11:30.

Yeah, the news was just
off the air. Mm-hmm.

You never saw her before, huh? No. Chicks
float in and out of this building like pollen.

But her,
now her I'd remember,

but I don't.

Her name was Betty Walker.
Does that ring a bell?

Nope. She resided at 602
Weyland Avenue, North Side.

Is that a popular address
for the boys in this frat?

No. And it's "fraternity. "
We don't call it a frat anymore.

Don't get lippy with me, boy.

I might be tempted to go into
your room and kind of poke around.

Might find some funny vegetables
in there.

Captain, the girl has a major contusion
at the base of her skull.

I think we can attribute death
to a severe blow.

What about the boy?

Well, we're gonna need
some more tests,

but you can see for yourself
the look on his face.

Same as the others-
scared.

Kolchak! I'm Rosalind
Winters, reporter-

I know who you are!
Siska, you can't have that cassette!

You get your hands
- You can't have that cassette!

You can't interfere with
the law. You can't do that!

That's an abridgement of the
First and the Fourth Amendment.

You can't
- One more word out of you, and I will book you on illegal entry.

Now you get out of here. I'm gonna
bring you up on charges with the ACLU.

And take Tonto with you.
Go, Tonto!

Aw, shut up!

Big fink ought to go
back into therapy.

Hey, Kolchak, you still owe me.
Consider ourselves even, Tonto.

Well, what about that lunch
you promised me?

May 11, 12:15 p. m.

My first stop had
been Betty Walker's apartment.

Number two was an address
furnished me by Betty's roommate-

the apartment of Craig H. Donnelly.

So then what happened? I ran up to
that phone and called for an ambulance.

When I came back down,
she was gone.

Well, maybe-
Maybe she was still conscious.

I spent three years in Vietnam.

I know when someone's dead-
and Betty was dead.

How could she just
disappear like that?

Maybe somebody carted her off.

What, in 30, 40 seconds?
No way.

Besides, this place was quiet-
deserted.

All I know is, I'll never
forget seeing her gone.

And that smell.
What smell?

You ever been around a war,
Kolchak? Yeah, a couple of them.

Then maybe you'll know
what I'm talking about.

Smells like death.

Oh, yeah.

Good afternoon.
Wait your turn, please.

May I... help you?

Yeah. My name's Kolchak.
I'm with Internal Affairs.

I've come for those records.
What records?

What do you mean, what records? You mean to tell
me that P.R. Didn't contact you through I. A?

What's the matter?
Are you new here or something?

P.R. Never goes through I.A.
What?

Sure, P.R. Can go to G.S., and then
go through I.A., but never directly.

Well, that's exactly
what I meant.

Now, I've got a court order here
for the school records...

of Peter Burdett and Don Rhiner
and Mark Hansen.

One more step,
and I put a staple...

right through that necktie to
your backbone. You'd do it too.

All court orders
have to go through C.L.D.

That's the blue long form, JS-6,
with Dean Sweeney's initials.

You know, the long blue form.
Mm-hmm.

They may try to give you a short
yellow and palm that off on you.

Don't let 'em do it. You tell
'em you want a JS-6, you hear me?

Mm-hmm.

Security? I thought you said I.A.

As far as anybody else
is concerned around here, I am I.A.

Oh.
Oh.

Ah! Nobody goes in there.

All right.

Now you just fill out this form,
nice and legibly.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

No.

I said legibly.
Legibly. Okay.

K- O-L-

Good?
Mm-hmm. Good.

Forms 22-

"They bombed in London's
theater district. " Nine letters.

I thought you said
crossword puzzles were for fools.

Well, I do have to check on people's work around
here, don't I? Even though it's very boring.

"They bombed
in London's theater district. "

Let's see. Oh!
The Old Vic. The Old Vic Company.

Something like that.
"Luftwaffe. '" Right!

You see, Mr. Vincenzo, every puzzle
has to have a theme,

and the theme of this puzzle
is World War II.

Oh, how cheery.

Have you screwed up the
filing system again? Of course.

Well, Kolchak, welcome home.

Now where have you been all day?
At the county morgue, for one place.

What a gala group this is.
You come in and out as you please.

You're a regular bon vivant,
aren't you?

Tony, did you know that Don Rhiner, the
All-American prospect from Tech, was found dead...

- of a heart attack at age 20?
- Yes. I don't want to hear anything more about it.

- You already know about it then?
- Yeah, with a girl, right?

It's tragic. It's very tragic.
Yeah.

That kid could really find a hole
and go right through the line.

Yeah, but the girl
is the interesting part, Tony.

You see, her name was Marlene Franks.
She was a junkie.

She died from an overdose eight hours
- I don't want to hear about it.

Eight hours before Don Rhiner died.

Now last week, Peter Burdett,
another healthy student,

was found dead in the arms of a girl, but
she had been dead from a brain aneurysm.

- Huh? Now, they didn't release that, Tony.
- Well, no wonder.

In the '60s, the kids used to bust windows
and pelt Marine recruiters with rotten fruit.

Now that was bad enough.

But today it seems that every school is an
extension campus of Weirdsville University.

- No, no, Tony- - It's days like this that
make me wish I'd stuck to playing the drums.

I didn't know you played. Oh,
back in the '40s in college, sure.

Playing drums? You playing
drums? Yes, that's right.

You haven't got a syncopated bone
in your body.

You walk off-rhythm.
What are you talking about?

I had a band of my own-
Tony Vincenzo's Neapolitans.

We won the Westchester County
battle-of-the-bands contest in 1940.

And our rendition
of"Stomping at the Savoy"...

brought the house down.

- I'll bet it did.
- Yes, it did. Should have stuck to it.

Lately I've been getting very
disheartened with the news service.

- Wait a minute, Tony.
- I don't want to hear any more morbidity.

Yeah, well, who does?

But, Tony, last night another kid,
named Mark Hansen-

You're sending me into a blue funk.

He got-
He-He-He got killed too.

Now Hansen had been working
as an associate,

helping out Professor C. Evan
Spate, an archaeologist... So?

Who's busy deciphering
some ancient clay tablets...

that were discovered in the Near East
by Dr. Julius Whitehead.

Whitehead-Julius Whitehead?
Yeah.

Didn't we carry an item
on him recently?

He found something in a desert
somewhere and went bananas?

- Yeah. Iraq.
- What?

- He went bananas in Iraq.
- He should have stayed in Chicago.

The same thing would have happened. He
would have saved travel expenses and jet lag.

That's only part of what happened
to this Whitehead expedition.

It says here in the article
that he had two assistants that-

Basta. Basta, Carl. Basta.
That's enough.

Enough. Now the conversation is over.

- Now, look. I've considered a shift in policy.
- Shift?

Why should we always accentuate
the gruesome and the sensationalism?

I think we might be very happy, and probably
take a chunk out of our competition...

if we tried, really tried,
to seek out the good news.

- Good news?
- Carl, wrap up the story you're working on.

Bring it to an upbeat conclusion.

Then find out what and who is responsible for
the death of those fine American young boys.

You understand that? And then tell
the public that the campuses...

are all cleaned up.

And then I'm gonna find
an assignment for you...

that's gonna be uplifting and happy.

Upbeat. Happy.

Yeah. What would you say
to a feature series...

about the wit and humor
of Chicago?

Bone-tickling anecdotes
of the city's history.

He didn't have to go
to the desert.

And I think that-

Yes, that's excellent, and that-

Oh, yeah, no doubt of that.
Yes, yes. Fascinating, fascinating.

May I say, by the way,
that you're a very generous man?

You're to be congratulated for having
a younger, inexperienced man like Mark-

Uh, what was his name?
Mark Hansen.

Hansen, yes. Allowing him to
participate in this important project.

You know what I was doing with Mark,
Mr. Kolchak? No, actually, I don't.

I was trying to give him a taste
of antiquity,

hoping he'd catch the bug, as it were.
It is infectious, isn't it?

Yeah. Yes. Now, Professor,
as we understand it,

you're on a grant from a medical
science institute...

to translate this tablet,
is that correct?

Yes. Uh-

Whitehead, as you know,
stumbled over this... Stumbled.

In the Lower Valley between the
Tigris and Euphrates Rivers of Iraq.

Yes, yes,
the Mesopotamian Empire.

At first, this tablet was thought to be
just a remnant of the Dead Sea finds,

but these symbols
are definitely Sumerian.

Mm-hmm! Hmm!

Oh, yes, absolutely Sumerian,
yeah.

Now, as you can see also, it's only
about a quarter of the way complete,

but it seems to be
some sort of, uh,

religious rite or, uh,
maybe even a form of recipe.

Recipe, yes, yes.
I can see that, yes.

I notice the symbol for "mint'"...

that you've translated so
very well down here. Mm-hmm.

Yes, it's probably
some preparation for lamb.

Uh, yeah. Yes.

I, uh
- One of these symbols no doubt translates as "jelly. "

Hmm. Yeah.
Mint jelly.

But I haven't been able to crack
it yet. Oh, well, you will in time.

But I doubt very much it was jelly,
actually.

You see, they had no gelatinous substance at
that time, except, of course, calves' feet.

They didn't use that very much.

I would assume it would be a sauce-
mint sauce.

The mint here has nothing to do
with leg of lamb, Mr. Kolchak.

This formula is concerned with
the rendering and the minting...

of precious metals
by divine means.

Oh, yes, I
- You don't really work for the Archaeological Quarterly, do you?

Well, yes, of course. Certainly
I do. Yes. Yes. Part-time. Uh-huh.

What occupies you full-time?

Independent News Service.
Oh, yeah, right.

I'd like you to leave, Mr. Kolchak.

You can be sure that I'll be talking to
your editor about this little charade.

Oh, good. He's in the mood for
some bone-tickling anecdotes.

But let me bring up something
to your attention that's not so funny.

According to student records, not only
did the late Mark Hansen work for you,

but Peter Burdett was in a class
that you teach.

And the late Don Rhiner
was one of Mark's best friends.

The police have already talked to me
about that coincidence.

There wasn't much I
could offer them. Oh. Oh.

They apologized for taking my time, then
they left. I'd like you to do the same.

- Maybe you could offer me something on another coincidence.
- Would you get up out of that chair, please?

The bad luck the Whitehead expedition
appeared to be plagued with-

It seems that his young assistant
dropped dead of a heart attack too.

I can't explain that. I am an
archaeologist, not a cardiologist.

- Would you please leave!
- Well, I can't.

You see, the door's locked.

- Give me that film.
- What film?

I'm not going to get physical
with you, but I'll tell you this.

If you even attempt to publish
a photograph of that tablet,

I'll sue those seersucker pants
right off your can.

Now get out of here! Dr.
Spate, could you tell me,

why do you think a man
ofJulius Whitehead's reputation...

suddenly went berserk
in the Iraqi desert?

If you knew Whitehead,

you'd understand that he went berserk
long before he got to Iraq.

Some of us are scientists,
Mr. Kolchak,

but all Whitehead ever had going for him
was dumb, blundering luck.

But if you look around, you'll see that
he's not here to translate the tablet.

- I am.
- Congratulations.

I'm going.

May 12, 5:45 p. m.

Maria Vanegas, 20,
entertainer in an after-hours cafe,

was perpetually tired
from the hours she kept.

When she arrived home
early that morning,

she'd put on some coffee,
stretched out to rest her eyes,

And waited for the gas burner
to get the coffee good and hot.

The coffee never got hot,
and Maria grew very, very cold.

Maria?

Maria? Que pasa?

Maria?

Maria.

Dios mio.

Carlos! Carlos!

Ven pronto! Carlos!

Carlos! Carlos!

Carlos, ven pronto.

Que paso? Maria esta
muerta. Muy pronto.

"Asmodeus, chief of demons, creator of
all lesser demons, both male and female. "

Hey! I could use that. How do you
spell his name, this Asmo-what's-it?

Oh, Asmodeus? Yeah, Asmo-
A- S-M-O-D-E-U-S.

Asmodeus.
Eight letters, honey.

Eight letters, eight letters.
Mm-hmm.

Uh, chief of demons. That's
right, chief of demons.

"Like their creator Asmodeus,

"demons can take on many guises,

"but are often pictured
as horrible creatures...

"accompanied by a foul stench...

"which they give off at moments
of diabolic excitement or activity-

a stench of corruption,
rot and noxious brimstone. "

Brimstone! Oh, great.
I can use that.

"Ahra Manyu-Ahra Manyu. "

All right, listen up. Listen
up, everybody. Ahra Manyu?

Listen up. I just dropped
my idea in the well,

and you should have heard
the splash it made with New York.

From now on, we are gonna make
our best effort to write our stories...

with dignity, grace and humor.

And we are gonna devote as much time
as we can to finding stories...

that are dignified and graceful
and humorous in the main.

Aha! "Arhu Manyu. " Aha.

"Persian for Eblis, the devil,
the prince of fiends. "

Carl, Carl. What station
are you tuned into? What?

How is the prince of fiends
gonna fit into my new directives?

How is it gonna do that?

Oh, well, the three students
that were killed out at Tech?

Well, they were all related, more
or less, to Dr, Spate, you know,

who's translating
the Sumerian cuneiform...

in the Whitehead tablet.

Yeah, oh, here's what
- Here's what the tablet says. I got a picture of it.

"The prince of fiends decrees.
The chief of demons executes. "

No, listen to this, Tony.
Listen to this.

"Death shall reside throughout"-
Someone, something.

See, I can't translate that.
It hasn't been translated yet.

Someone
- Uh, "She shall have reign. " See, Tony?

Carl, I don't care
what the tablet actually is,

whether it's an ancient guest record
of the "Nebanezzar" Motel or what.

Nebuchadnezzar.
Now- Now-

How is this drivel gonna help you...

write up your story and complete it,
about these terrible deaths?

Well, it-it says that she shall
have reign, Tony. Now, who is "she"?

I mean, all these kids were found
with their arms around dead women,

but nobody knows
how they got there.

Carl, this doesn't make any sense at all.
It is not dignified. It is not graceful.

It is a downer- a downer!

You know-
You know something?

I think the good Dr. Spate might know. I
mean, he's been living with those tablets.

I'll have to talk to
him about it. Carl, look.

Ron has been doing
some preliminary research...

on humorous anecdotes about
Chicago's past. Terrific.

Now I wish you two would
get your heads together...

and try to cooperate
for a change.

I have an item.
Good. What is it?

"In 1804, before"
- Ron? Will you get your book off my desk, please?

Thank you very much.

"In 1804, before Illinois
gained statehood,

"Territorial Governor Isaac Lipton...

"declared on Christmas Eve...
Yes?

"That all prisoners
in the territorial prison...

"should receive a pardon.
Yes?

"As soon as the pardon was put
into effect, one malefactor-

"a Samuel Coggins-
Mm-hmm.

"Went to the governor's home
to thank him.

"He was invited to dinner,
served some alcohol,

"and wound up robbing
the governor at gunpoint...

and burning
the house to the ground. "

No sign of deceased.
Please contact Homicide Unit Baker 80.

Repeat: Unit Charlie Delta 4,

we've got an accidental death
at 404 North Von Steuben.

No sign of deceased.
Please contact Homicide Unit Baker 80.

Did you hear that? Huh, Tony?
Did you hear that?

Another vanishing corpse.
I tell you. We're in luck.

It's terrific!
Another vanishing corpse.

Another vanishing corpse
and he gets excited.

Another vanishing corpse. That's
all New York has to hear about.

Another vanishing corpse!
That'll do it!

All right, the girl was
probably still alive,

and you came in,
you opened the window.

The air revived her and she
got up and she walked away.

No, senor. I have worked in
a hospital for ten years now.

I know the dead when I see them.

Is this the lady, ma'am?
Yes, that is Maria.

There ought to be a law that only police
can have police radios.

Write your congressman. Did you smell
something rotten when you came in?

Well, of course she did.
She smelled gas. No, senor.

Not gas. It was... horrible.
Aha!

- What does the stink have to do with it?
- I don't know yet. I'm not sure.

But do you have an answer as to why three
young males should drop dead from coronaries?

Yeah. You remember
the Tomosito-Bockner murders?

Yeah. Remember how we all
thought they were heart attacks?

A couple of years later it was proven it was a
massive overdose of cyanide delivered at close range.

Are you telling me that the mob killed these
kids? Murder, Incorporated goes to college?

Come on. What about the girls?
Obviously a psychotic involved.

Oh, so now it's no longer Murder,
Incorporated, it's a lunatic.

All right, let's just
follow this thing through.

This lunatic follows Murder, Incorporated
around the campus,

and then, whenever they give a kid
a snootful of cyanide,

this nut- this loony-

puts a girl's corpse down next to the body
so it doesn't get lonesome.

Carstairs, will you get this man
out of here!

I'm going, I'm going.

If that's your story, I think that you're
gonna need a little more work on it.

Out!

It's open.

Ah, Michael.
Good of you to come.

It's my pleasure.

Well- Uh-

What do you think?
Tickle the old curiosity?

Yes. It sure does.

How's your extracurricular
schedule? It's not too heavy.

Too bad about Mark Hansen, but with
him gone, I'll need another assistant.

Life does go on, Michael.

Look, uh, I appreciate the opportunity.

Good. Okay.

For a start, why not go over
to the anthropology lab...

and get a copy of Whitehead's
Persia-

Michael.

Where are your manners?
Who is this incredibly beautiful creature?

I just met her at the bookstore.
She's really something, isn't she?

Uh, Maria?
Well, please, come in.

Professor, this is, uh-

This is Maria Vanegas.

Well, my pleasure.

Now, why'd you have to go and do something
like that, like he's a freak or something?

I'm sorry, Michael.
You're sorry?

I'm sorry!

Michael!

You again.

Get out!
Did you see a girl out here?

No, I did not.
Well, I saw her.

Yeah, she was standing
right out there.

This is Evan Spate. Would you please
send a security car to my home?

I have a trespasser. Thank you. Maybe
a girl by the name of Maria Vanegas.

She was dead.
A dead girl?

Yeah.
Dead girl.

How have you managed to survive in the
news business being such an imbecile?

Your yard smelled bad enough
to send rats back to Detroit.

My dog, King Tut, sometimes
brings home dead prey.

Yeah, well, does your dog
also bring home demons?

"Succubus. "
Does your prattle never end?

It says "succubus. '"
That's new.

What is a succubus, huh? Is a succubus the
"she" that the Sumerians were writing about?

Is that what drove Professor Whitehead
crazy out in the Iraqi desert?

Did he see a succubus?

Whitehead was and is
a senile old fool.

He claims he saw all kinds of things
out in the desert.

He is now a ward of the state,
and he's still seeing them, no doubt.

I don't believe in any of it, not in
demons rising from the desert floor,

not in mysterious
heart attacks...

or stenches,
not in walking dead girls.

I believe in this tablet as an
anthropological find and nothing more,

and I believe in my talent
as a translator,

And that's all I believe in.

Terrific. That's terrific.

Now can you answer me one question?
What is a succubus?

Uh, have a nice evening.

The campus directory listed
a plethora of departments...

that might have given me some answers,

but it was late
and it was a weekend,

and none of them were too thrilled
with my phone calls-

none, that is,
except Dr. Salem Mozart...

and the Department of Classical Ethnology
- no longer accredited.

What am I gonna do
with six magazine subscriptions?

Read them, of course.
Share them with loved ones.

I have no loved ones.
I have no money.

Oh, the company will bill you by mail,
by computer.

You'll also receive
a lovely set of steak knives.

I never eat at home.
Now, what about this, sir?

Oh. Oh, this-this
is of interest, yes.

Yeah, well, can you tell me why,
sir? I mean, what is a succubus, sir?

A succubus is a female demon.

She animates the bodies
of ripe young women,

who then lure only handsome young men
into amorous situations.

And then, while embracing,

she changes into a ghoul
so fiendish...

that the horror of it
bursts the heart.

That's what's been happening
- That's what's been happening on the campus!

- Oh, is it? I hadn't heard.
- Yeah.

I don't see how it could be happening,
as it's only a superstition.

Oh, oh, Mr. Kolchak,

you've marked only one-
four- four subscriptions.

- Are you trying to gull me?
- Dr. Mozart, would I try to gull you?

Now, what can be done
about the succubus?

- Are you interested in firearms?
- No.

How about a subscription
to the Handgun Review?

No, thank you. Fine, fine. I'll send it to
Miss Emily. Now what about the succubus, sir?

Oh, exorcism can drive a demon away.

However, the churches are reluctant
to perform the act these days.

It's bad for the image,
you know. Yes, of course.

However, you're missing the
whole focal point of the tablet.

It's interesting only from an
anthropological point of view.

Kids are dropping dead
on the campus, sir.

I was aware the Whitehead tablet
was on campus,

but I didn't know it was the same
as the Pigafetta tablet.

Pig-
This would seem to confirm it.

Piga-Piga-Pigafetta tablet?

Pigafetta- an Italian traveler
of the 1500s.

He mentions a fabled tablet
of the Mesopotamian Empire,

presided over, so they said,
by a succubus.

Of course, that tablet was
lost a long time ago. Uh-huh.

However, it would appear
that Whitehead found the tablet.

Oh, it's all here in these books.

Uh, the long dark legend of death...

surrounding-
surrounding the tablet.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

Excuse me.
Oh. Oh.

Oh, we haven't made
your final selection, have we?

May I suggest Contemporary Inventions?

You learn how to build your own
solar-operated pottery wheel,

how to make shark repellents
with ingredients found in the home-

But will it tell me
what to do about a succubus?

I believe Pigafetta reported
that some worthies of the time...

urged that the, uh,
tablets be destroyed.

Destroyed? Oh, no, no, no. It's much
too valuable. It's-It's priceless.

There must be some other way
to get rid of a succubus.

- I'm not sure.
- Well, are you sure, Doctor, this is the same tablet?

You would have to admit,
it's a nice theory, isn't it?

Oh, dear. I can't find my references.

Now, let me think.

It's in Italian.
How do you spell-

I'll return them later.

No, Phyllis, Mike Sandler dropped out
last quarter. Yeah.

Big contacts
- big, big. Know the campus inside out. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Hold on. She thinks we
should try Rose, the Humanities secretary.

Well, don't talk, dial.
Okay, thanks-

Yeah, good-bye, Phyl. Dial!
I'll call you.

Let's see.

Hey. Do you understand-

Do you understand Latin?
Yeah, some.

Yeah, well, see if you-
See if you can translate this here, will ya?

Uh, yeah, that's, uh,
a whole sentence right there.

Yeah, I know.
It's got a period at the end of it.

Well, I just know a few terms
- ex post facto, habeas corpus, corpus delicti, stuff like that.

Terrific. Perry Mason Latin.

Hello, Rose? Hi.
This is Rosalind Winters.

Hey, I'm sorry it's so late, and
this is gonna be hard. Dead languages.

I'm looking for a guy named Michael.
Maybe it's fitting.

Well, that's just it.

I don't know, except he's good looking and
he might have something to do with Dr. Spate.

Yeah, go find your book.

Half this stuff s in dead languages.

Maybe that's very fitting after all.
Aha. Aha.

Here's something.
Here it is. Here it is, right here.

"Pigafetta. A Babylonian tablet, an
ancient piece"- Yeah, that's right. Uh-huh.

"Several scholars in ancientJerusalem
attempted to destroy the hated object,

"but it was buried for later...

retrieval by one Yusef Al-Mamoudi. "

You hear about that kind of thing
all the time.

There's probably 100 of those tablets around.

Terrific.
Yeah, Rose. Yeah.

What's this Michael Hannrahan
look like? "See tablets, A to Z."

No, no, no. Forget it. He's gotta be
exceptionally built, at least an eight.

- Contacts? Sounds more like a hen party to me.
- Well, say on a scale of one to ten,

MickJagger is the only nine
and Quasimodo's a two.

Aha! Here it is, right here.

"Jerome of Hapsburg,
during the Crusades"-

- What? The Crusades?
- No.

"A tablet, given by Ahra Manyu to man,

"much desired, but also feared.

The deaths of several young knights
and Saracen maidens were reported. "

It's gotta be the same one as Spate's.
It's gotta be.

- What do you got? What's happening?
- Will you hold on? She's got an eight.

An eight?
Yeah, go ahead, Rose.

Oh, yeah?

There's a Michael Thompson.

They ran a financial check on him because
Spate was gonna offer him an assistantship.

That's the one! Where is he? Right this
minute? I don't know. This is a big campus.

He lives in Branner Hall, but you can
never get through on the phones there.

Big, big contacts.
Where are you going?

Big mouth. Big deal.
Kolchak, wait a minute.

Thank you, Rose, I'll see you later.
Back. Get back! Don't follow me.

Wait a minute!
Get back!

Mike?

Will you forgive me?

I do crazy things sometimes.

Yeah, we all do crazy things.

I shouldn't have got so frosted,
I guess.

Put that down.

- You're not mad?
- Anger is counter-productive.

Get out of my way. You put a scratch on
this, and I'll see that you go to prison.

You and your news service will be
ruined. Your new assistant, Michael,

has a succubus on his back
because of this thing.

- He may be dead already.
- Will you hold me?

You'd destroy this piece of antiquity
for some stupid, idiotic fairy tale.

It's not a fairy tale. You know that as
well as I do. You've known it all along.

Now get out of my way!

No!
Beat it!

Oh!

The campus security force insisted
on calling the Chicago Police...

to press charges against me,

but they found a sudden surprising
resistance from Dr. C. Evan Spate,

who claimed the tablet
had been broken accidentally.

And despite verification by a confused
and frightened Michael Thompson,

neither reporter Ms. Rosalind Winters
nor I had enough hard evidence...

to file a story.

It had all turned to dust.

However, published story or not,
I can only say to you...

that should you ever meet a young woman
who seems just too lovely...

to be really of this world,

well, just remember,
there's a very good chance that she isn't.

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