Original subtitles

Okay, everyone, time to go!

Why do we even need to go on vacation?

Why can't we just work 24 hours a day,

seven days a week?

What are you, some type of machine?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Good. Then take these to the car.

Don't forget this one.

It's heavy.

This is my first vacation since I became a spy,

and I really need it.

We've all earned a break, honey,

especially after stopping those eco-terrorists.

Yeah, what about that time we exposed

that corrupt ambassador? I hit him with a...

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Guys, okay.

This week, we are a regular, normal family,

so no more spy talk.

What are we gonna talk about?

Maybe we should spy on a normal family and see what they talk about.

No. We are going to relax, okay?

You know what the best part of this vacation is?

That I booked us a week at the Finger Lakes Resort

on points and miles,

and it didn't cost me one red cent.

[laughs]

No, Daddy No-bucks.

It's the fact that we're spending quality time together

as one, big, happy family. Come on.

Hello?

Hello!

Ready for my vacation.

Hey, wait up!

Oh, when danger comes for you

You know I'll stand beside you

'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool

I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire

Don't tell nobody, tell nobody

I'm not perfect

So many things I wanna tell you

But I, I, I, I keep it undercover

Livin' my life, no way to learn

Doin' my thing, gonna make it work

Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless

But I always got your back

Nobody can do it like I can

I gotta find out who I am

Ain't got to worry about me

It's all part of the plan

I keep it undercover.

I keep it undercover.

What?!

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I made a reservation weeks ago.

What do you mean, fully booked?

You see, when a hotel has 12 rooms,

and all 12 rooms are booked,

then we are fully booked.

No, no, no, no.

I have a room, and it's free.

I paid with coupons, points and miles.

Because nothing is too good for his family.

Check again.

Under Cooper. C-o-o-p-e-r.

Ah, the American spelling.

Ah, still no.

Don't worry, I can hack in with my laptop and get the reservation back.

No. No hacking.

This week, we are not spies.

We will deal with this

the way a regular, normal family would.

All right, sir, for points,

I can give you a cot in the janitor's closet,

and a shared bathroom here in the lobby.

Don't just stand there, boy, start hacking. Come on.

I can't believe it.

The Presidential suite, for points.

Hey, if you need me,

I'll be washing my face in all five sinks.

And drying it with the money I saved!

Ernie, did Dad make you bring a vacuum

so he didn't have to tip the maid?

No. It's my Treasure Trapper Junior.

I'm gonna use it to find lost treasures by the lake.

Well, that's better than the ride up here

where you were knuckle-deep looking for nose treasure.

Ugh, I hate vacations.

There's nothing to do.

I'm so bored, I wanna pull my eyeballs out.

In fact, I think I will.

Mindy was right.

This is the most exciting show I've seen in ages.

Really? What are you watching, Mom?

I don't remember the name.

Let me see that.

My Spy?

You're watching a show about spies?

They're fictional, it doesn't count.

Now give me back my tablet.

It took me an hour to download that last episode

on the hotel's Wi-Fi.

[yelling] No!

No Wi-Fi! It's not included.

There's a hot spot in the hotel lobby.

And there's a cheapskate in the suite.

What are you doing on your watch?

Checking in with the Organization--

No! No, no, no, no.

Okay, no more spy stuff.

I am confiscating everything.

Hey, I'm a spy gadget. Confiscate me. Please!

You know what? I would, but it might

raise some suspicion when I ask the front desk clerk

to put you in the hotel safe.

What is with her attitude?

Does she know how much it costs to take

a family of five on vacation?

No, and neither do you.

[raucous laughter]

[mocking laughter] Put your eyeball back in.

[growls]

Good afternoon and welcome to the Finger Lakes Resort...

Ah, a Cooper.

Father send you down for more complimentary pillow mints?

Look, could you please, please,

put all this stuff in the hotel safe

and not give it back until we check out?

Got it?

No, that seems wildly complicated.

Could you explain it again?

Huh. Is it snark week and nobody told me?

Look, I'm serious.

Under no circumstances can you give this back to any of us

until we check out.

Got it.

Hey, can I just see my tablet real quick?

I said under no circumstances!

Got to say, not a fan of the entire family.

You know, my mom used to feed my brother the same way.

Hi. I'm KC.

I'm Mrs. Vandervoort. Charmed.

And who is this little cutie?

This is Tallulah.

She's the love of my life.

But don't mention that to my grandson.

I'll take it to my grave.

Baby girl.

Wow!

That is a lot of bling on that collar.

May I just say bow-wow!

Her collar is one of a kind.

It cost more than most people's cars,

but Tallulah's worth it.

Plus, I'm filthy rich.

Disgusting, dirty, roll-in-the-mud

if-mud-were-money rich.

How'd you get so stinkin', dirty rich?

Have you ever heard of a girl group from the '60s

called Sherry and the Shabooms?

I'm one of the Shabooms.

No way. Which one?

The one that invested her money wisely.

Sherry and the other Shabooms are sha-broke.

Well, that's a sha-ame.

I have such fond memories of that time.

But, you know, it wasn't easy.

Balancing being a teenager

and having a professional job...

Can you imagine?

No, no.

I would have no idea what it's like

to lead a double life.

Well, I guess you wouldn't.

Unless you were a secret agent or something.

[forced laughter]

Okay, you talk now.

[fire alarm blaring]

Looks like there's a fire.

Hey, I say we get in the car and drive

as far away from here as possible...

like all the way home.

[Man on P.A.] Apologies, everyone.

It was a false alarm.

Repeat, a false alarm.

Looks like we can stay.

[weakly] Yay.

We should get a discount for this kind of inconvenience.

Really? You wanna pay less than free?

KC, honey, what are you doing? Let's go back to bed.

- I was looking for Mrs. Vandervoort. - Who?

She's this really nice older woman I met this afternoon.

She's not in the lobby, so I was just hoping

she was okay.

You hope she's okay?

Interesting, considering you were halfway down the hall

before I even got out of bed.

Look, you guys go ahead, all right?

Cooper.

Don't you have shifts?

Or a home?

Thrilled to see you, too. What do you want?

I'm looking for Mrs. Vandervoort.

I didn't see her in the lobby just now.

Well, all the guests are accounted for,

so I really don't know what you want me to do.

Ah, you caught me.

I just wanted to have another conversation with you

because of your charming disposition.

Ha ha. Touch?.

Look, she's an older woman.

If you could just call up and see if she's okay, please.

[exasperated sigh]

How do you spell her name?

Uh, Vandervoort.

I think it's V-a-n-d-e-r-v-o-r-t.

- No guest by that name. - Maybe it's two O's.

Still no. What's her first name?

Uh, Mrs.

We're done here.

You know,

for someone who's in the hospitality industry,

you are not very hospitable.

[rings bell]

[machine beeping]

Would you stop that?

All right, who's ready for lunch?

Remember, kids ten and under eat free,

so you all just eat off Judy's plate.

Craig, get a crowbar and crack open that wallet.

You know what, guys, I'm gonna skip lunch.

I need to find someone in this hotel

who remembers Mrs. Vandervoort.

Are you still talkin' about that lady?

Yeah, Mom. If you vanished,

you'd want me to help find you.

Vanished? I should be so lucky.

KC, maybe the old lady just checked out.

Checked out? She is not that old.

Hey!

- Hey. - Whoa. Sorry, dude.

Didn't I see you in the lobby yesterday with a woman?

Uh, no, dude. I'm single.

But I love to mingle.

You can shut that down right now.

You were sitting with her.

She's an older woman, adorable dog.

I don't know what you're talkin' about, brah.

Hey. Hey, you leave my bra out of this.

Okay?

Okay, enough of this.

I'm not gonna spend another second

thinking about Mrs...

Mrs. Vandervoort.

Hey, hey! Miss V., I just...

You are not Mrs. Vandervoort.

Well, if I'm not,

I've been using the wrong toothbrush.

It's me.

Uh, you look a little different.

You mean younger?

It's my papaya-mango night mask.

Papaya don't think so.

Okay, if you're Mrs. Vandervoort,

what did we talk about yesterday?

Sorry, I don't remember.

Ha!

Because our conversation wasn't very memorable.

You're just not that interesting.

Dreadful bore, wasn't she, Tallulah?

[growling]

Mystery solved.

- You're boring. - No!

That is not Mrs. Vandervoort.

Whose dog growls at them?

There is some kind of conspiracy going on,

and it's up to us to figure it out

and save Mrs. Vandervoort.

Craig, I'm begging you, buy this girl a decent meal.

She's starting to hallucinate.

Well, look who's going snorkeling.

I'm glad you're forgetting about that old lady.

No, I will be looking for clues underwater.

Are you suggesting someone actually

threw that lady in the lake?

Well, I'm just saying, there's a lady,

and there's a lake.

Connect the dots, people.

Where have you been?

Me and my Treasure Trapper Junior

were searching through the garbage.

You know what they say.

One man's trash...

Is another man's stink.

Joke's on you.

I found this cool dog collar.

Hey.

This belongs to Mrs. Vandervoort's dog.

Except all the jewels are missing.

Do you guys know what this means?

Yeah.

If I get a Treasure Trapper Senior,

with gem-detecting capabilities,

it means dollar dollar bills, y'all.

No, it means Mrs. Vandervoort

is really in danger, y'all.

KC is right.

No self-respecting dog lover

would ever let their dog walk around without his collar.

Back when your father and I were first married,

we had a dog. Fluffy.

Once, after I washed her,

I forgot to put her collar back on.

She got loose and...

and I never saw Fluffy again.

Baby, you can't blame yourself.

I don't. I blame you.

You were too cheap to let me take her

to a professional groomer.

Wash her in the sink, your father said.

Our dog weighed 75 pounds.

We have to find Mrs. Vandervoort.

Yeah, but how we gonna do that?

Just pretend she's a discount.

You're always good at finding those.

Okay, I have a plan to find Mrs. Vandervoort.

Let's hope she has one of those titanium hip replacements.

[machine beeping]

It's time to get our spy stuff back.

Hey, Lloyd.

Um, I kinda need my things back, please.

You mean the things you told me to lock up.

Yes, those would be the things.

Here's the thing. I locked up your things

because you asked me to lock up your things.

I promised not to give your things back

until you told me you were checking out,

unless, ah, is this your way of telling me

that you're checking out, 'cause that would be fantastic.

Not a problem. Bellhop!

- Bellhop. [rings bell] - Lloyd.

If you don't cut that out,

you will be ringing that bell every time

you sit down. Are we clear?

As a bell.

Uh, let's see.

Vandervoort. Vandervoort.

Ah, found her.

Mrs. Margaret Mae Vandervoort.

Oh, she's loaded.

She gave $4.8 million

to the Long Island Pet Rescue Society.

Click on that picture of her.

Wait a minute. Guys, that is the woman

who claimed to be Mrs. Vandervoort.

That's the hacky sack dude.

That's her daughter and grandson,

Sarah and Gabriel Andrews.

Bingo. They're staying in room 511.

- We need to get up there. - Okay. Let's go.

[Kira] Sorry. Excuse us.

Judy?

It took you long enough to figure out

what room she was in.

If you figured it out, why didn't you tell anyone?

I would've, but I thought you were on vacation.

There's no one in here.

But there was. Look over here.

Hm. Still warm. Must be tea.

Or dog pee.

Ah! I just put my hand in dog pee!

- Yeah, you got a little on your nose. - I do?

Well, now you do.

- Uh, guys. - Just a second, Judy.

Look. There's a business card for an estate planning lawyer.

Hey, there's a number for a dog charity on here.

I bet she was gonna leave her fortune to them.

- Uh, guys. - Just a second, Judy.

- [scratching sound] - Hear that?

Guys, it's Mrs. Vandervoort's dog.

Where's Mrs. Vandervoort?

- Uh, guys. - Just a second, Judy.

Look at the floor.

It's discolored.

There was a rug here.

And we just passed two maintenance workers

with a large rug in the lobby.

Now are you ready for me?

Because those two maintenance workers

just loaded that rug into a van,

and the rug was moving.

Oh, sure, now you tell us.

We need to follow that rug.

Gotcha!

Oh, no, you got me.

It's my first time hot air ballooning,

but I'm pretty sure you're doing it wrong.

- Thanks. - Come on. We can borrow that one.

Okay, now how much is this gonna cost me?

Craig, this is for work. It's a tax deduction.

Now get in the basket.

Hey!

I'm sure they left me behind

because somebody had to watch you.

[muffled yelling]

Where are you taking me?

Where you can't meet with your lawyer

and leave your money to your dogs.

Whoa, I thought we were just gonna drop Grandma in the lake.

We are.

You were always jealous of my dogs.

I just assumed it was because they were better-looking than you.

[gasps]

And she wonders why we're throwing her in the lake.

[KC] We're coming, Mrs. Vandervoort.

Not very quickly, but we're coming.

You'll never catch us.

Not at this pace, we won't.

Hold on. I got this.

Walk on me to get across.

Honey, be careful. Be careful.

Finally, something interesting happened on this vacation.

Don't look down.

All right, you can shut that down right now.

Can't you hit anything?

- That a girl! - Yes!

I knew you were a sweet girl,

but you really kick butt.

Let's hope she can fly.

Nice one, Mrs. V.

Thank you for saving my life, dear.

Just one question.

Who the heck are you?!

Oh, uh, you know.

We're just your average American family,

on a little vacation, you know,

from our humdrum normal lives.

Dad, get the memory spray.

You know what?

I think I need a vacation from that vacation.

I know it wasn't as relaxing as you thought it would be,

but I hope you had a good time anyway, honey.

I did. It was... it was great.

We actually got to spend time together as a family,

and that's all that really matters.

- Yes. - [knocking on door]

What?

Coopers, we meet again.

Lloyd, what are you doing here?

You left something behind at the hotel.

I'm pretty sure we got all the bags.

He meant me.

What? Don't look at me. Judy packed the car.

Rob, your name's on TV.

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