Original subtitles

I'm so proud of myself.

I turned in my creative writing assignment... on time.

You mean the one you already got three extensions on?

Yep. Made it in just under the wire.

Yeah, the final, final, final wire.

So what'd you write your story about?

It is about a teenage spy who is protecting this guy

who is wanted all over the world.

See, he'd been involved in some sort of, um...

Cyber-attack? Yeah, yeah!

The main character's name is Dirk Henry.

He's hiding out in a safehouse at an abandoned railway station...

Both: ...in Diriama, Nicaragua.

Yeah! Did you read my paper?

No, Marisa, I lived your paper!

You've just described everything that happened in my mission last weekend.

Oh yeah, I knew it felt familiar.

But don't worry, Mr. Forman will just think I made it up.

Yeah, yeah, until the cyber-attack story is on the news

and they realize that you knew Dirk Henry's name before Channel 2 did.

As well as the location of his undisclosed location!

Marisa, that information was completely classified.

Well, then you probably shouldn't have blabbed about it to me!

I'm starting to realize that now.

Oh, when danger comes for you

You know I'll stand beside you

'Cause ain't nobody keep their head so cool

I always find a way, a way out of the fire

But don't tell nobody, tell nobody

I'm not perfect, so many things I

Want to tell you, but I

I keep it undercover

Living my life on red alert

Doing my thing, gonna make it work

Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless

But I always got your back

Nobody can do it like I can

I got to find out who I am

Ain't got to worry about me

It's all part of the plan

I keep it undercover

I keep it undercover

Marisa, I don't think you get it.

If Mr. Forman reads that top-secret information, he's gonna have to go away.

Oh, great. Yeah, he could really use a vacation.

He's been very snippy lately in class.

Yeah, not that kind of "go away."

I mean, like, go away-go away.

And then when they realize that he got that information from you

and you got the information for me, all three of us

will be living on some Siberian ice farm where there's no Internet, no cable,

and no curling irons. (Gasps)

Yes, just ice. Lots and lots of ice.

And before you ask, not the kind you skate on.

So I'm gonna need you to go in there and get that paper.

Uhhh! This is what I get for doing my homework.

Hey, Mr. Forman. Aah.

I need my paper back. I think there might be a typo in it.

Well, based on the last six papers you turned in...

I'm pretty sure there is.

(Fake) Ha ha ha ha ha.

Good one, Mr. F.

Uh, but seriously, can I have it back?

No. You've already gotten more extensions than...

Bonnie Silverstein.

It's too much, Bonnie. You're not fooling anyone.

(Cell phone rings)

Hey, Beverly.

Don't "Hey Beverly" me.

We still haven't gotten your mission report.

We need your debriefing about the cyber-attack ASAP, KC.

I know. I'm sorry, it's just that

we got home really late last night, and then I had...

My mother-in-law is visiting, my kid has the flu,

and I just managed to eat an entire jar of bacon bits

because nobody here can manage

to stock the kitchen with actual snacks!!!

But you really don't care, do you?

Well, no, not really.

Yeah, well, now you know how I feel about your stuff.

No excuses. Get it done.

Nothin' but bacon bits?! Really?!

Forman won't give me the paper.

Well, there's only one thing we can do.

Kill him?

No.

Oh, sorry. I'm new at all this spy stuff.

Okay. Now we just need to get into Forman's classroom,

get your paper... easy as pie.

See, what does that mean, "easy as pie"?

Cuz once I tried to make pie, and it was kind of a pain in the butt.

I mean, the crust alone... Would you just focus?

It's locked.

See? Pie not easy. Pie hard.

Not when you have the Helping Hand.

It is the latest addition in The Organization's arsenal of gadgets.

Okay.

(Bubbly sounds)

(Timer beeps)

We're in!

Wow, this is the first time I've ever seen you

this excited about being in a classroom.

(Laughs)

Mr. Forman is a magician.

He's doing some sort of magic show.

The Great Formini?

Well, I believe the meanie part.

Mr. Forman: Thanks for letting me use the office copier, Marjorie.

Let me just grab my flyer.

Oh man, it's Mr. Formini. I mean Forman.

Hide.

Hmm.

Marisa, what are you doing? He already took your paper. It's gone.

Oh no, I'm looking for my phone.

He took it away from me in class.

(Sing-songy) Here it is!

Welcome to my humble abode! I hope...

Oh, it's just you.

Why aren't you at school?

I forgot my book.

Is it a book on how to avoid showering after gym?

Maaaaaybe.

It's called "personal hygiene" for a reason: it's personal.

Hey, what are you doing home? I took a "me" day.

You can't just take a day off.

Public education is the cornerstone of a progressive democratic society.

So is showering. Yet here we are.

Besides, my friend Trudy is coming over.

She's also a robot.

A robot playdate.

What happens? You compare nuts and bolts? (Laughs)

(Laughter trails off)

We were manufactured in the same factory.

But I can't stand her.

Just because she was first off the assembly line,

she thinks her circuits don't stink.

I can't wait to brag how I'm a part of an elite family of supercool spies.

By the way, you're not going to be here when she gets here, right?

Are you saying I'm an embarrassment?

Maaaaybe?

Don't just stand there.

Go learn.

Okay, enough games.

I'm getting that paper back, and nothing is gonna stop me.

Except the door to the teachers' lounge,

where he's probably gonna read the paper

and then we're all gonna wind up in a Siberian prison.

Nice knowing you, everybody!

Dasvidania!

Marisa, relax.

I'm goin' in there.

But no student has ever gone inside that door.

And Marisa... no student ever will.

(British accent) Well, helloooo, fellow educators.

Substitute teacher Margaret Cavendish reporting for du-ty!

Oh, yes!

Nothing like the smell of uneducated minds, am I right?

Makes you just want to fill them up with knowledge.

Knowledge, knowledge, knowledge!

Well, before I start edificating these young minds,

I'm going to rest my weary bones.

Excuse me!

Oh! How kind of you to squeeze me in, buttercup.

You know, back in my day, we didn't allow students in the teachers' lounge.

Well, actually I am a teacher.

Oh! But you are just a pup!

A little bitty baby puppy pup!

Thank you.

Oh. Oh, heavens.

I should have never had those bangers and mash for lunch.

The gas is starting.

(Farts) Uhh!

Would you be a dear and get me some tea?

Happily.

What? A lovely handbag.

Is this a Ravello, too?

(Cell phone rings)

(Regular voice) Yo, wassup.

(British accent) I mean, helloooo!

KC? This is Beverly.

Oh! Hello, dear.

You still owe us that debriefing report, and we need it ASAP.

Oh, now is not a good time, Snookums.

Okay. Look here, Mary Poppins,

if you've got time to make up fake character voices,

then you have time to turn in that debriefing.

Now, this is the last warning before I come up there

and pull that report out of your chim-chim-cheroo.

Oh? You got it, Snookums.

Love you too. (Kisses)

You got... What?

Girl, I...

My hubby Herbie, forty years and he's still chasing after me.

Excuse me. Who are you?

Oh! Hello!

Margaret Cavendish, substitute teacher extraordinaire.

Well, what are you doing in here?

We need a substitute in room 211.

Oh! Yes!

Righty-O! Tally ho!

On my way-O!

This way? This way?

Yep! Go on in!

Lovely. Lovely. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you!

And this is our other living room.

What a nice house.

Small, but nice.

Oh, Trudy, you look as good as the day they made you.

You can hardly see the wear and tear.

You don't look too bad yourself.

I guess you don't see much action.

Oh, robot child, please.

I see plenty of action.

Plus I have the most wonderful family.

No one's better than the Coopers.

Ha! Beg to differ.

Right now I'm on assignment with a family too.

We live right here in D.C. in a big white house.

In fact, it is the White House.

You're working for the First Family?

Yes, I am.

Hey! Look at that!

First off the assembly line, and first again!

But enough about me.

Where's your manners? I'm starving!

You can eat?

Of course.

Didn't your family spring for the upgrade?

Ha.

Ha ha ha. I hate you.

So Mr. Forman drove away. Now what do we do?

We are gonna call him and get him to come back.

Do you think he would do that for you?

No, but he will do it for...

(Altered voice) Vice-Principal Slutsky.

Uh, you need to clear your throat, honey.

Uh-huh. No, this is a voice modifier.

It can make me sound like anybody I want.

(Line out ringing)

Mr. Forman: Hello?

(Man's voice) Mr. Forman.

Yes, uh, this is Vice-Principal Slutsky.

I'm gonna need you back down at the school immediately.

Ahh. What's the problem?

You do realize I'm your supervisor.

(Static, regular voice resumes) That means you don't ask questions, you follow direction.

I am getting sick of your attitude, Forman.

Maybe that's why you haven't had a date in two years.

KC? Is that you?

(Clears throat) No. No, this is Vice-Principal...

You know what, I'm gonna have to call you back.

My voice modifier just died. I need to call Beverly.

Don't bother. I'm here.

Oh, hi! I'm Marisa. Nice to m...

Oh! Thanks goodness you're here. I was just about to call you.

See, my voice modifier just died for, like, no reason.

Oh, there's a reason. You just lost all your gadget privileges.

I shut you down.

Uh, why?

Hmm. Maybe it has something to do with

the fact that you haven't turned in your debriefing!

When you do, the gadgets go back on.

(Cell phone rings)

Ohh, great. My mother-in-law.

Hey. How ya doin'?

Why are you calling me?!

You should be calling the fire department!

Lord, that woman. She's burning my house down on purpose.

She never liked me. She said I wasn't good enough for her son.

Get the report done!

...eet you.

W-What happened to Bev?

She's gone. And worse, she took all of my gadget privileges.

How am I supposed to find this paper with no gadgets?

Right, because they have been so helpful up to now.

Well, let me throw you out... I mean, show you out.

It's been fun.

Maybe for you.

Ha ha!

Sorry. Thought you'd have tighter bolts.

You did that on purpose!

(Screams)

Ow!

You give me my arm back right this second!

Okay, if that's what you want.

(Groaning)

Give it to me.

Okay.

Hyaaahh!

(Crash)

Both: Hyaahh!

(Banging on door) Petey: Judy!!!

(Banging on door) Judy!!!

You weren't in school so I brought your homework.

Anybody home?

Judy!

Aaaaaah!

Hahhhh!

You put my head back on right this second!

Petey: Judy!!!

Judy!!!

(Electrical crackling)

Oh, hi, Petey.

Aaaaaah!

This is my friend Trudy. Trudy, Petey. Petey, Trudy.

Nice to meet you.

Maaaaahhh!

Awright. Here it is, just like the flyer said.

The Great Formini.

All right, we have found Mr. Forman.

And we didn't need any of your fancy gadgets to do it.

We did it the old-fashioned way...

with the Internet.

I'm gonna keep watch.

You go find your paper before my cover is blown.

I found it. I found my paper!

Great, let's get out of here.

Mr. Forman: Oh, this is a disaster!

(Audience booing) I hope I brought my backup doves.

It's Mr. Forman! Hide!

Okay, um...

In here. Okay.

Hey, the door is locked. What's happening?

Duh....magic?

(Sighs) Man...

I don't know how to get out of here.

Oh, I do.

Abracadabra!

Hey, nothing is happening.

Shocker.

Wait, do you... do you have any of those gadgety thingies left?

Marisa, have you not been with me the entire day?

No. I don't have any gadgety thingies

because my gadgety thingies were taken away

because I was unable to turn in my debriefing report.

You are the reason why I have nothing to get us out of here.

You're the reason why I almost got kicked out of The Organization.

You are the reason why we are stuck in this tiny magic cabinet!

Oooh! I am so mad right now.

If I could turn my back on you I would, but I cannot,

so I am going to close my eyes on you instead.

Well, someone wants to be greedy

and use up all the oxygen in here on her little tantrum.

This is the most ridiculous story you've ever come up with

in your entire life.

Ma, I'm not making it up.

I'm telling you, Judy didn't have a head!

You have a runaway imagination.

It's because you watch all those TV shows that are too mature for you.

Well, Mama's gonna go in her purse and write you a check... a reality check!

(Knocking on door)

Hi, Ernie. Can I see your mom?

Probably not from here. She's in Florida.

But please, come in.

Hello, Mrs. Goldfeder.

Hiya, Petey. Nice to see you both.

Well, well, well.

Look who has a head, Petey.

But Mom, I'm telling you.

There was another girl with no body parts, and Judy's head was off!

And she was yelling at the girl who had wires coming out of her!

Petey! Does that sound like an actual thing

that could happen to an actual person in actual real life?

Does it?!

But it seemed so real.

Ohh.

Someone's been watching too many TV shows.

Mom, look! There's the girl!

She has no head! And a missing arm! And...

Petey! That's enough.

I think we need to make an appointment for you to see Dr. Feldman.

I know what I saw!

See ya later, Petey!

But Mom!

(Chewing noisily)

Really?!

You're gonna chew gum in my face?

Wouldn't kill you to have a piece.

You're not exactly minty fresh.

Why, Marisa, why did you have to take my story?

I don't know.

Could you just tell me?

KC, just leave me alone.

I would love to leave you alone, but if you haven't

noticed, we are stuck in this teeny little box, so can you just tell me?

KC, stop. Seriously, just tell me!

I don't have a story of my own to tell.

What are you talking about?

KC, you are a spy.

You do all of these amazing spy things.

You fly to Bulgaria and repel off of mountains and save the world,

and then you come home and you ace your calculus test.

You know what I do?

I sit around and I wait for you to get home.

Which story would you want to read?

You know what? You're right.

There is absolutely nothin' interesting about you.

I mean, unless you want to count the fact that you are

extremely creative, hilariously funny,

and you have this way of looking at the world

like absolutely nobody on this planet.

Look, Marisa, you may not have a special life, but you make life special.

KC, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, me too.

Got it off a greeting card.

What? You're not the only one who can rip off something good.

What's going on? We're moving!

Um, I don't know.

Emcee: And now, welcome to the stage The Great Formini.

(Applause) Mr. Forman: Thank you!

Thank you.

We're on the stage. This is his show.

I've always wanted to see how these tricks work!

Which one do you think he'll start with?

I'm gonna go with the one with the sword through the box.

That's right. The cabinet is completely... empty.

Now, who will volunteer to step inside the Cabinet of Mystery?

(Nervous giggle)

And that is how The Great Formini makes two high school girls

appear from an empty cabinet!

Ta-da!

(Applause)

Marisa! KC!

Uh, and now, watch...

as The Great Formini

makes these two high school girls...

disappear.

Abracadabra!

(Applause)

Well, I handed in my new paper and you got your gadgets back.

Yep. Wait until you see what this one does.

Okay.

Okay, this is so cool. How does it work?

Well, it basically uses the scientific principles of gravity and repulsion...

Okay, I'm bored. Make me spin.

(Squeals with delight)

Ha ha!

Woman: Rob, your name's on TV!

(Boing)

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