Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

(Sighs)

MAN: Hey! What are you doing in here? Who are you?

I am Dr. Thomas Chen.

Do you have an appointment?

(Grunts)

Who are you?!

(Muffled speech)

Okay, not to be all up in your business or anything,

but if you knew you were gonna interrogate me,

why exactly did you bother with the whole gag thing?

For the last time, who are you?!

I'll never talk!

My name is K.C. Cooper and I'm a 16-year-old government spy.

My mission was to make copies of your agent's medical records

and my parents, Craig and Kira Cooper, they're kind of also spies

and we live on 35 Millby Lane in Arlington, Virginia

where there's a spare key hidden under the fake rock in the front yard.

Anything else you wanna tell 'em, big mouth?

Yeah, you left off the fact that I got a little fungus on my left pinky toe.

A little fungus? Hmm, okay. (Man shouts)

(Grunting)

(Pants)

Whew!

I'm sorry, okay?

I'm not good at keeping secrets.

Which, kind of reminds me...

When I was nine years old I kind of stole all of Ernie's Halloween candy

and blamed it on the babysitter. She was a really nice lady, and because of me

she kind of never worked again, so I'm tryin... (Muffled speech)

(Theme music begins)

Oh, when danger comes for you

You know I'll stand beside ya

'Cause ain't nobody keep their heads so cool

I'll always find a way

A way out of the fire

But don't tell nobody, tell nobody

I'm not perfect, so many things I

wanna tell you, but I...

I keep it undercover

Livin' my life on red alert

Doin' my thing, I'll make it work

Know I'm the realest, baby I'm fearless

But I always got your back

Nobody can do it like I can

I gotta find out who I am

Ain't gotta worry about me

It's all part of the plan

I keep it undercover

I keep it undercover

No one gets out of that bunker alive.

Cheeselover12, cover the left lane.

We need someone on that back exit.

That's you, hotdogsfordays.

On my signal, we go.

In 3, 2... (Toaster dings)

Ooh, my toasty strudel's done!

Later, haters.

Ah! Ah, ah, ah!

(Toasty strudel hits floor)

Guys, it is not my fault I can't keep a secret.

If you guys were gonna recruit me to be a spy,

you probably shouldn't have taught me to be so honest.

Good parenting. Bad spy-enting.

You're all spies?!

Good going, blabbermouth.

Why don't you just tattoo the word "spy" across your forehead?

Just to clarify, what I'm hearing is I'm allowed to get a tattoo?

No. And, before you even ask, nothin' besides your ears is ever gettin' pierced.

Son, there's something I have to tell you.

You're not really allergic to shellfish, I just like to eat all your shrimp.

And by the time you wake up, you won't remember any of this.

- I don't understand. - That's the idea.

God, seriously, keeping this secret is killing me.

Why can't we just recruit Ernie to be a spy?

Yeah, Ernie? Oh, honey.

I love him but he doesn't have what it takes to be a spy.

Shoot, he doesn't even have what it takes to make a toasty strudel.

No, but...

He is a computer genius.

I mean, he's beaten every game he's ever played,

and let's not forget, he's got an A++ in C++.

(Laughs)

It's a programming joke.

If Ernie was awake, he'd be laughing.

Honey, listen. We know how smart he is with that stuff,

but the organization is never, ever, ever gonna allow another teenager.

You're totally right. Unless you're totally wrong.

We could remind the organization that the average American family has 2.2 kids.

I mean, we'd be so much more believable with Ernie working with us.

Plus, who can we trust more?

He's family.

Well... I mean, we wouldn't have to knock him out every 20 minutes.

I guess it's worth a try.

He is our boy.

And that means he deserves our love and respect.

(Strained voice) Let's go.

(Grunts) Come on, boy.

Oh!

Yeah, love and respect.

Love and respect.

(Gasps) K.C... (Squeals)

Guess who is joining the school newspaper? Me.

You're writing? I am so proud of you.

(Both hum a tune)

So...

What exactly are you gonna be writing about?

Like, hard-hitting investigative reports

or gut-wrenching op-ed pieces about economic disparity and social cliques?

I'm doing the gossip column.

That makes more sense.

Oh, but don't tell anyone. I gotta keep it on the down low

if I'm gonna be getting the low down.

Are-are you sure you can handle keeping that big of a secret?

'Cause, I mean, that can be a lot of pressure,

I mean, it just eats you up inside, it just destroys you.

For some people.

I've got it all figured out, okay?

I'm calling my column "Just Sayin'"

but, when it comes to my name, I'm just not sayin'.

By the way, which fake name do you prefer? Sue Denym or Anne Onymous?

How long did it take you to come up with those?

About a day and a half.

Well, let's hope it's not a daily column.

Just sayin'. (Both laugh)

Good news, honey. The organization loved your two spy kids in a family idea.

Really? So Ernie can come with us on the next mission.

Nope. But this can.

Dang, they recruited a cardboard box over Ernie?

(Remote beeps)

(Digital power up noise)

(High-pitched digital sound) Hello, I'm J.U.D.Y.

I'll be posing as the adorable little sister that everyone wished they had.

But in reality, I'm here to assist you on missions.

I can calculate the risk of any dangerous scenario.

I speak 47 languages, and in a pinch,

I can be used as a floatation device.

(K.C. laughs)

What an adorable little robot.

(Shouts)

R2D2 is a robot, honey, I'm a J.U.D.Y.

Junior Undercover Digital Youth.

And do yourself a favor, don't get all up in my grill again.

(Laughs joyfully)

She told you. (Laughs)

I mean, this is a new operating system, we're just working out some bugs.

Speaking of bugs, do you guys ever vacuum around here?

Man, this place is a dump.

I'm kidding, people!

I'm disarming you with my humorous jokes in an attempt to make myself likable.

But seriously, vacuum.

Well, she's a total delight.

So, uh, what's the plan? I'm pretty sure Ernie's gonna notice

Mouth Almighty, Tongue Everlasting.

The organization agrees with you.

That's why they're lettin' us tell him. We'll do it tonight at dinner.

And, by the way, we're having shrimp, so let's keep that other thing secret.

(Sighs)

Well, it's not the same as working with him,

but, I mean, I guess it's one less secret to keep.

I'd say this calls for, uh, some high fives?

Come on! Uh! Uh!

(Shouts)

I should've seen that coming.

So everybody in the family is a spy?

And I have a sister who's incapable of human emotion?

And on top of that, I got a J.U.D.Y., too?

I'm a J.U.D.Y. 3.0. The J.U.D.Y 2 was a hot mess.

Look, Ernie, I just went through this.

And it's totally okay to feel betrayed and confused.

Is it okay to feel...

Awesome?!

I thought something was going on.

But you guys kept denying it. I was starting to think I was unstable and weird.

Well, you are. At least now you know the truth.

Okay, so, when's our first mission? Do I get gadgets?

And, most important, what's my code name?

- Agent Sidelines. - Agent Sidelines.

(Sing-song) Lovin' it.

Just one question, why "Sidelines"?

Because that's where you sit. On the sidelines.

Listen, son. We love you.

But spy work is dangerous.

And it's not for everyone, sweetie.

(Sighs) Look, I'm really sorry, bro.

- You should be. It's all your fault. - Me? What did I do?

You always have to be so great at everything that

you make me look like a loser by comparison.

Eddie, I know I just met you, but can I just say,

I know you're totally capable.

- Thanks, J.U.D.Y. - Of lookin' like a loser all on your own.

(Groans)

All right, I'm just gonna say it.

Does little mama have an off switch?

I am such a failure.

It's not my fault I'm good at things, stop blaming me.

I'm-I'm sorry. I-I got into a fight with my brother, so.

Well, focus in. This is a Marisa moment.

Good. 'Cause I can use a break from K.C. moments.

All right, what's up?

Getting gossip is so hard.

I was in the girls' room, primping in the mirror for half an hour

and the only secret that I learned

is that Mindy Burger doesn't wash her hands when she's done with her business.

Oh. I wish I would have known that before I split that cupcake with her.

You know what? I am going to help you, okay?

If you're in the stall and you wanna hear secrets,

just try lifting your legs up so no one knows you're there.

Ooh, good tip.

Thanks. (Giggles)

And, uh, here's another little somethin' somethin'.

Just get yourself a parabolic listening

device so you can eavesdrop from a distance.

That is another great idea, K.C., you're like an amazing spy.

What? Me?

Girl! (Unconvincing laugh)

I don't know the first thing about spying, this is just

generic ideas that anyone would know from watching T.V.

(Both laugh)

Spy! Me, a spy!

(Both laugh)

That's good. (Continues laughing)

Hmm. Pie looks good. Do you have to be a spy to eat this?

Because I know I'm not good enough to eat spy pie.

All right. Ernie, I get it. You wanna be a spy.

Okay? And I really think that you deserve to be.

I have an idea that might convince Mom and Dad.

A pen? Is it a spy pen? Because I know I'm...

Okay, Ernie? Shh...

And yes, it is a spy pen. It disables listening devices within a five mile range,

in case someone is bugging us.

Like that J.U.D.Y. bot? I know she's been buggin' me.

Well now you know what it's like to have an annoying younger sibling.

(Laughs)

Okay. (Pen begins beeping)

Here's how it works. It only lasts for 15 seconds at a time.

As long as it's beeping, no one can hear us,

so, no beep-y, no talk-y. Okay?

Now, I just intercepted a message about

an important mission that our parents do not know about yet, so...

(Pen stops beeping)

Go on, there's a secret mission?

(Pen beeping) Once again,

no beep-y, no talk-y.

Now, our parents do not know about the mission yet,

so we're gonna go do it, and prove to them that y... (Pen stops beeping)

That I could be a spy. I get it, I get it.

(Pen beeping) No beep-y, no talk-y.

Now, it's a fairly simple mission, so it'll give you an opportunity to show your stuff...

(Pen stops beeping)

- Don't worry, I understand the pen now. - Finally.

Unless it's beeping, I don't mention the mission or the secret spy stuff.

(Loud banging)

(High-pitched beeping)

K.C.: Ernie, great job hacking into

the security system and getting us in here undetected.

ERNIE: Easy peasy, mac'n'cheese-y.

I just disabled the museum's firewalls and downloaded the schematics.

Wow. I am good at this.

Told you you would be.

Heads up, you've got incoming.

Beat it, kid, or I'll go prehistoric on your little butt.

(Screams)

(Farts)

Talk about a blast from the past.

Now I know what killed the dinosaurs.

I have a visual on the target. He's just entered the museum.

Wait for my go, repeat: wait for my go.

You're parked in a loading zone. Move the van or I'll have you towed.

Um, when you say, "move the van," you mean...

I mean move it now.

Move it now?

Not until I say so!

Excuse me!

Uh, nothing, Officer, sir.

K.C.: J.U.D.Y.

I recognize that guy over there from the mission profile.

It's the target, we gotta move in.

Stick to the protocol. We're not supposed to move without Ernie's signal.

(Engine revs] [tires squeal)

(Crashing sound)

Is that enough of a signal for you?

(Ernie hiccups) That was a close one.

Agent Sidelines! Whatever you do, do not take your foot off the...

(Crashing sound) (Scream)

(Crowd panicking)

...brake.

And now I'm starting to see why no one else wanted Ernie to be a spy.

You didn't tell us there was a mission, you stole a van,

and you put Ernie in danger?

Yup, I think that about covers it.

(Frustrated sigh)

No, you left out the part where you didn't complete your mission.

KIRA: I hope you realize that that dinosaur

is coming out of your paycheck.

Look, I was just trying to prove that Ernie could be a valuable member of this team.

What team? The demolition team?

Do you have any idea what the organization would do if they ever found out?

You guys aren't gonna tell them, are you?

No, of course not.

I may be a spy, but you're still my baby.

And I'll always protect you.

Yeah, don't worry. There's no way they'll ever find out.

(Electronic whirring)

K.C. Cooper, you are hereby summoned to appear tomorrow evening

in order to determine your fate following the events of the museum mission.

(Whooshing)

Okay... I didn't tell them, you guys didn't tell them,

I'm assuming Ernie the dinosaur slayer over here didn't tell them,

so how did they find out?

They are spies. They have ways of finding these things out.

Plus I sent them an e-mail telling them everything you did wrong.

(Scoffs) What kind of sister are you?

The fake kind. I told you, I'm not here to win your affection.

If you want something that'll love and obey you, find a husband.

Hey, Kace. Got a sec?

I'm so sorry.

Because of me, you're gonna get kicked out of the organization.

Look, Ernie, I love being a spy,

but I am not sorry about what I did.

I really believe in you.

And, sure, you don't know martial arts, and you might be socially awkward,

and you're definitely not street smart and...

Could ya do me a favor?

Stop singin' my praises. My ego can't take it.

But listen. There is nobody better with computers.

And I know that there is a spot for you on this team.

But now you may not even be on the team.

All because you stuck your neck out for me.

We're family. That's what sisters do.

Next witness, J.U.D.Y.

Please tell us exactly what happened at the museum.

I'd be happy to.

We were undercover waiting for the enemy operative when...

J.U.D.Y.? Go on.

We were undercover waiting for the enemy operative when...

(Robot malfunctioning)

Excuse me, one more time?

I'm sorry.

We were undercover waiting for the enemy operative when

(Robot malfunctioning)

(Electric whirring noises)

Uh... I believe what we have here is a malfunctioning robot.

I call for a mistrial and for all charges to be dropped immediately.

I agree 1,000 percent!

I wanna thank everyone so much for coming in...

Not so fast, K.C.

The fact remains that you completely failed the objective.

The artifact is gone and the enemy agent is in the wind.

If by, "in the wind," you mean, "about to knock on our door," then you are correct.

(Laughs) Ernie...

Lying isn't helping.

(Knock on door)

Mom, Dad, would you mind?

(Kira gasps)

(Pained groans)

I believe this is what you're looking for.

And what's that expression I'm looking for?

Oh yeah, "mission accomplished."

Ernie, when did you... how did you?

A spy never reveals his secrets.

That's a magician, boy, start talking.

I hacked into the city's closed circuit camera systems,

saw he was on his way to meet his contact,

and rerouted his car's GPS system to our house. Newb stuff, really.

- That's my boy. - Oh, excuse me, that's our boy!

Well, looks like we're all done here.

I'll see you all at the company bowling tournament.

I believe there is one outstanding issue.

Please don't be the broken dinosaur bones, please don't be the broken dinosaur bones...

To welcome Agent Ernie Cooper as the newest member of the Cooper family team.

I told you you had the stuff, bro.

Thanks, Kace.

Well, I think it's time to take out the trash.

Okay! (Laughs)

No, no. I got him. You need to actually take out the trash.

Oh. Well, okay.

Been askin' you for three days.

Come on, buddy.

Good work, Ernie. I guess all's well that ends well.

Wait a minute. All of a sudden you seem totally fine.

Oh, yeah. I guess it was just a glitch. I'm okay now.

No, I think you were faking it all along to get me out of trouble.

No, I had a malfunction.

No, I think you did it to save me because you wanna be

a real little sister and a part of this family.

No, I don't. It was a malfunction.

Come on. Bring it in.

(Grunts)

Welcome to the family.

I can't believe your family opened up their hearts and home to such an adorable little girl.

Where did you say you were from again? Wyoming?

Sure, let's go with that.

So, Marisa, how's that gossip column going?

Oh, I didn't tell you? I'm giving it up.

Wait, why? I thought you were so into it.

I was, it's just nothing really juicy ever happens around here.

I mean, how long can I look for interesting things to write about

when there's just nothing going on around here?

Know what I mean?

Yeah, no, I totally get it. This place is boring.

Rob, you're name's on TV!

(Boing)

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