All language subtitles for Jonathan Creek s04e05 The Chequered Box.eng

Three days and I still keep forgetting.
Will they ever get this sorted out?

The mysteries of a blocked drain!
I'm sure they're on top of their game.

What game is that? Gin rummy?

Do you think this is too much?
On the road with the rozzers?

I don't want to look too frivolous!

Nor do you want to disappoint 80% of your male
fan base who find you pretty under pressure.

It's just a question
of striking a balance.

Good God, would you credit it? Remember
that colonoscopy I had last month?

- What about it?
- It's been nominated for an award.

- Don't be ridiculous!
- As good as.

It says here, "A panel of top consultants
deemed the advanced fibre optic technology

"to have produced a near textbook
study of intestinal polyps. "

It's being put forward as a possible reference
source at a major London teaching hospital.

I suppose I'm gonna have to go out there
again and make an exhibition of myself?

It's one thing to have a contraption like that
on a film unit, but stuck outside your house?!

I wonder what I'm up against.
The competition will be fierce.

Sorry, love?

There's that Carla what's-her-name
off the telly! Hello, darling!

Are you off to spend a penny, girl?

Hey, Carla Borrego! Have one for me!

Marty!

Marty!

Good morning, Mr Creek. Just having
a quick "zzz". How's it all going?

- Don't ask. Have you got the...?
- Oh, yeah, sorry.

All right down there? Your brain's not
getting starved of oxygen or anything?

- Who is this?
- It's me, Adam.

Right. I knew that, of course.

And tell me, Adam. How
long have I been down here?

Just coming up for four days and I think
the disorientation is starting to kick in.

No, no, I'm good, good. I trained myself
to the feak of pisical fikness, remember?

The only real problem I've been encountering
is I think I'm getting some vibrations down here

from the Circle and District Line.

It's like every five minutes
when a train goes through.

It gets kind of juddery.

Actually, Adam, I'm afraid
we've had orders to bring you up

from the powers that be.

Two young women filed an official complaint
against you yesterday for sexual harassment.

Sexual hara...? I'm
six feet undergroundl

They claim you were
looking up their skirts.

I know. I know.

They say you were in a state of arousal and
appeared to be physically stimulating yourself.

Oh, manl You've got to be jo...

12.25 to Upminster?

10.35 a. m. And news of a particularly
gruesome motorcycle accident

in which both victims
were tragically decapitated

has brought us to
Barston General Hospital.

Detective Inspector Adrian Fell,
cool, calm and detached as ever

as he goes about his grisly business.

- The heads are on the wrong bodies.
- How can you tell?

You've got a black guy and a white guy.
Call it intuition. This is just sloppiness.

11.15 and in response to an
urgent message from a colleague,

we're now heading across town to
check out a mysterious sudden death.

- Have we got a name for this guy?
- Maurice Rumpole, single, retired bookmaker.

Lived alone. People next door
said they heard... Sorry. This is?

"Eyes & Ears", part of a new
prime-time reality strand.

It has all been cleared. If I could ask you to
give us a bit more level, that would be super.

Carla Borrego, Herbie Bryant.
Yes, the neighbours heard...?

Some kind of loud and very violent
struggle going on last night about 11.

Very helpfully kept it to themselves.

The alarm was raised by the
cleaning lady this morning

when she couldn't get into his
bedroom on account of... these.

A couple of sawed-off draw bolts,

both of which had clearly been
shot by someone inside the room.

As you can see, it took some
fancy footwork to get past THEM.

And when we did...

The windows were all
secure on this side.

But... I don't know...

I've got one of my bellyaches telling
me something's not right in here.

So here we are at the very coalface
of the investigation process,

the air heavy with a cloying sense of
death you could almost cut with a kni...

More chaos on the tube as another power
cut hits London during the rush hour...

Hmm... Bag, Sergeant.

What's this? Has he
got hungry in the night?

Nothing so mundane
apparently, by a long way.

Got your penknife?

There we go, then. What does your
bellyache tell you about this?

One, two,

three... four pairs of pyjamas,

all with a walnut
sewn inside the jacket.

Hey!

You've had two public warnings,
but it hasn't penetrated, has it?

- That's a criminal act!
- And the tragedy is I'll get away with it!

We are so overstretched just now. Now the
other side of that tape. I won't tell you again!

What appears to have killed our
friend in there is sleep apnoea -

a cessation of breathing while in a
deep sleep for reasons often unknown

that can be aggravated by obesity and
occasionally lead to congestive heart failure.

A lot of patients only get it
when they lie on their back,

the solution to which is to sew a hard
object like a walnut into your nightshirt

to force you on to your side.

Of course, if it happens
to accidentally slip out...

You're kidding?

I'm impressed.

It was all in that medical book on the bedside
table. Obviously something he suffered from.

The fact that his TV was tuned to
Channel 5 during a Michael Winner season

could account for the nasty
noises coming through the walls.

Is it my imagination
or has he lost weight?

Hey, you've got a job to
do, I've got a job to do.

Aaagh!

Next time we'll have you toe-tagged!

Just because I'm not some
fluffy bit of skirt off the box!

- One of these days, you bastard!
- Yeah? You'll do what?

One of these days.

No, it was nothing in the end. Some old
goat choked in his sleep or something.

So, what's new? Any
post for me or messages?

Nah, whatever, open it.

Say again?

Hang on. I've got to write this down.

"Go to... " Yeah.

I think I know that.

Tomorrow night?

12.30?

Is that all it says?

No, no, I heard you.

Just wondering what the hell it means.

Yes, it's been totally fascinating,

observing first hand how a real detective works
- the amazing Inspector Fell!

- Good?
- Such a sharp mind. Seen nothing like it!

He solved a sealed room mystery
yesterday in, what, five minutes?

What appeared to be this bizarre impossible
murder had the simplest explanation.

So tune in this evening, 9 p.
m. You may find it illuminating.

Is this coming with
us or staying behind?

Gonna need that next week at the theatre.
Just stick it on the truck. Cheers.

- OK, I'll look out for it.
- And I'll see you around.

Adam! How are you feeling?

Yeah, I bet, now you're back
in the land of the living.

Well, these big public endurance
numbers are all a load of tosh really.

You won't be trying another
mad idea like that in a hurry!

Sorry?

For one insane moment there, I thought I heard
you say... Please tell me I was imagining it!

Absolutely not. What, I'm
gonna make a thing like this up?

No way was he there on business.
The guy's wiping off fingerprints!

Are you still there?

Hello!

No, it's cool. I mean, I'm in a box.

God knows what we're
sitting on here, Ray,

but someone knew this was gonna happen and
wanted to drop him in it, and whoever it was...

Holy shit!

Come back, you bastard!

Oh, what is this when it's at home?

Hmm? Oh, yeah, I was very lucky to get hold
of that. They don't usually send copies out.

Not a fully graded print, but I thought
I might cast my eye over it tonight.

I'll get some popcorn in

I'll do it again, all right?

So it's fist, then crotch, in you
go, knee right up hard in the balls.

That's it. Try it again.

Ah! Thanks for dropping by.

Just wondered what your
thoughts were on this one.

Woman appears to have topped herself, but
we've got the feeling there might be more to it.

Oh, what did you make of our little curiosity
on Tuesday? The affair of the five walnuts?

Unravelled rather deftly, I
thought, by the local plod.

Hmm. As solutions go, it came virtually
gift-wrapped, wouldn't you say?

Medical book next to the bed marked at a page
that conveniently explained his condition?

Didn't it strike you it was very odd the
way those patches were sewn into his pyjamas?

- It was almost as if...
- OK, studio! Let's take a break.

Run it past me later.

Hello. We start tonight with the
disturbing case of a female lawyer

whose body was found two nights ago hanging
from a light fitting in her North London office.

A suicide? You decide.

Marion Crespo was a
solicitor in her mid-40s

whose work for the Crown over the past ten
years had led to many successful prosecutions.

Sadly, we can only speculate as to the
horrors that took place in this office

in the last few minutes of her life.

As she sat at her desk
working late into the night,

was she disturbed perhaps
by a violent intruder?

Did she lash out in a desperate bid to escape
before being overpowered by her assailant,

who then strung her up from the ceiling to
create the impression she'd hanged herself?

Remember, the images you've just seen
are based on conjecture, not fact,

but bear these points in mind.

One, Marion Crespo was happily
married with no history of depression

and no motive, as far as anyone
could see, to take her own life.

Two, how could she possibly
have hanged herself in the dark,

given that when she was found, the
lights in the room had been switched off?

And three, who had been chewing the lump
of gum that was found in this plant pot?

Gum that, according to cleaning staff, was not
there when they left the premises at... Ugh!

This is disgusting! Has
this been in someone's mouth?

Come on, guys, let's get this sorted. That'll
be ten minutes while we reset the nail polish!

Baxter.

Hi, where are you? I just got back. You'll be
thrilled to know we're back on mains drainage,

subject to a camera test they have to do in the
pipes to see if any roots are coming through,

but the dreaded honey wagon has been
safely dispatched and out of our lives.

Not entirely, Brendan! Where the bloody
hell do you think I'm ringing from?

I've been banging and
shouting myself hoarse in here!

Well, this is a bit of a pickle. I don't know
what to say. He said he was off to Nottingham.

Nottingham?!

Oh!

Yes?

Oh, hi. How are you?

Oh, God, this is service! Thank you.

Unfortunately, I've got
no money on me, nothing.

That's all right. We've been instructed
to ask if you have any plans for dinner.

- Thanks.
- Good luck. See you soon.

You're slumming it. Must be a slow
week. What happened to your wheels?

Temporarily off the road.

What's he up to, gormless tit? I thought after
that coffin stunt, he'd have learnt his lesson.

- Guy got crucified.
- And then some.

No, you misunderstand.

Funny, isn't it?

When people ask me what first
attracted me to this business,

the words "I might one day get to
scrape bird crap off a guy on a cross"

rarely spring to my lips.

Of all the barmy publicity stunts!

If people think I'm a
quitter, they can think again.

This is about the power of
the human will, Jonathan.

To confront a challenge
as old as mankind itself.

Let the world bear
witness this is no trick.

The triumph of belief and
determination over adversity.

And this time, I'm not gonna
give them any reason to stop me.

Are you seriously planning to stay up here for
seven days? You'll go slowly out of your mind.

Can you move those two girls away, please?
I'm in danger of seeing down their blouses.

See? It's started.

You do that show with
what's-her-name? Blondie on the beat?

- I try not to make a habit of it.
- You might want to give her some advice.

To be very careful about
the company she keeps.

That lady lawyer they
found in a noose...

I know who did it.

And I've got it on film.

Slight problem at the moment. It's in the
boot of my car and my car's been nicked.

Without evidence, no
one's gonna believe me.

- Either way, shouldn't you go to the police?
- That's where I have a problem.

Mmm!

One of my late wife's
many fine bequests.

I can give you the
recipe. Anyway, thanks.

For giving me a reason not
to eat off my lap tonight.

Well, it beats an evening in
staring at my husband's colon.

Let's not go there.

And it's been great to
fill in a bit of background.

God, it's got to be a nightmare, your job.
Headless bodies first thing in the morning?

I suppose I'm fascinated to know what
sort of person can cope with all that.

Someone who can take death
in their stride, I suppose.

Oh, sorry. Can I...?

Hello. Carla Borrego.

Actually, not that convenient,
Jonathan. As it happens, I...

What?

When was this?

So what exactly are you telling me?

Right. I think I've got that.

And... I'll probably
call you later, then.

OK. Bye.

Well, I suppose I'd better
be getting along now really.

When you've had your coffee?

Oh, thanks.

It'll be hot.

Yes...

Death is a big subject.

- It is.
- Too big for most people.

It frightens them.

So they close their eyes.

Box it away.

And try to forget that
it's going to happen.

Only one day we all have to be prepared.

You know, to open that box.

And maybe...

...we shouldn't be
scared of what's inside.

Maybe we...

Sorry. You're... busy.

- I'll just...
- No, I was just going, so...

You got my message, then? A
phone call would have been nice.

I've had things to do.
And I'm here, right?

Right.

You know, my daughter and I have things to
discuss, so let's see if we can get you a cab.

Lovely. You're so kind. You'll get this
back first thing tomorrow. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Actually, um, just here will be great.

Thanks.

Why didn't you tell
me about this, Jessica?

Because it's not true is why!
I don't know what more you want!

It's like everything you asked
of me, you know, I did it.

This is... I don't know what this is! And
I don't know why we have to even discuss it!

Because we have a contract,
Jessica. Both of us! With Mr G.

And I think we might just care
what HE'S gonna make of it all.

Yeah, I'm sorry, OK?

But you know...

I have to do this.

Hello! Is anyone about?

- Shut the door and get over there!
- Are you Dick Turpin

Just watch where you're treading!

Like a Tracey Emin
retrospective! God spare us!

After what you told me on the phone, it
all started to snowball suddenly in my mind.

That gum they found in the plant pot
- HE chews gum.

And if there's any here in his rubbish, we could
get it checked for DNA and see if they match.

And while I'm doing that, there's a
whole file of stuff on her over there,

our lynched lady lawyer,
which might yield a clue.

So you want to make yourself useful?

I wasn't half relieved when that
daughter of his showed up tonight!

Just as he was giving me this weird
number about preparing for death.

Then later on when I snuck back,
he was waving these papers at her

and going on about a contract
with someone called Mr G.

But what was creepy, I don't know...

He'd got like this
small wooden casket...

he was just about to open
which I can't explain...

It felt like it had some
kind of strange power.

Like the one in "Hellraiser"

whose demonic porthole spewed
forth the progeny of the damned?

If we could raise our game above the level of
a school playground, I'm trying to be sensible!

Coming from someone looking for spearmint
up a chicken's bottom, that's sound advice

I think we need to concentrate
on essentials here, don't we?

If he did go there deliberately to kill
her, who would have known about it in advance

and wanted to tip off the press,
so it would all be caught on camera?

What?

March '87, she put together a very strong case
against a couple of East End professionals,

Jason Lee and Patrick MacDonald,
leading to their conviction.

A case in which she was assisted by
an up-and-coming detective sergeant.

Adrian Fell.

- That is interesting.
- But not as interesting as this.

It says it all hinged on the word of a former
associate of the defendants, Derek Crozier.

He turned Queen's evidence in
return for immunity from prosecution

and subsequent witness protection
involving a complete change of identity.

A few pounds lighter in those
days, but what do you think?

God! It is him, isn't it?

The guy with the walnuts.

Why do I feel guilty when you do this?

Because it's completely illegal?

So what's our thinking now? He
didn't die a natural death at all?

It's a hell of a coincidence.

Two people who helped put those gangsters
behind bars both come to a sticky end

in the space of 24 hours.

Which is why I think...

I need to carry out a little
experiment with these pyjamas.

Now, how tall are we
saying this guy was?

He was more your height than mine.

I guess.

In which case... think
you could do the honours?

- So, are you nearly done?
- Done.

I'm not sure it's gonna work so well with
the trousers all bunched up around the back.

We'll just...

- And how is it?
- Well, I can feel it, but...

It won't exactly keep you awake because
it's in the small of your back, whereas...

But here...

Aagh!

That would definitely
drive me over on to my side.

Which is meant to be the point.

So he wouldn't risk choking.

Which suggests...?

Whoever set this up to disguise the fact
they probably suffocated him with a pillow...

...didn't totally think it through.

But the bolts on the door...?

Almost certainly drawn
shut from the other side.

A couple of bits of twine soaked in
paraffin that could be burnt off afterwards.

- Page one stuff really.
- To a sealed room specialist.

- Time we were in bed.
- Yeah.

It might pay to just sit on this
for a bit until things are clearer.

Till we can get that gum or come up with a
name of someone here that begins with "G".

Anyway... I'm taking you where now?

Back to the hotel presumably...

Darling, we're a bit late. I'm sorry.

What time did you crawl in last night?
You were dead to the world when I left.

I know, but we think we may have...

You said something on the phone about
a new angle on that body in the bedroom,

which we can run past the Inspector,
who had a 12 o'clock window this morning.

So if you want to just
park your bottoms...

Of course, I don't think you've
met our gentle genius yet.

Jonathan Creek, the man
who can re-route reality.

No, but may I say

that your work on the Forrest Sweetland
murder impressed a great many of us.

So what have you got for me?

Well, to my way of thinking,

those things in his pyjamas had been
sewn in much too far down to really work,

and I don't know about
the sleep apnoea thing.

But I cross-checked with a
specialist. It does happen. Except...

there's more, isn't there,
that you've found out here

you don't want to share with me.

Mr Baxter!

I'm really sorry, sir, but I...

What is it?

OK, you're going to take her
word for this against mine?

It's not a question of
my word. It's on camera.

Why do you think I waited three days till some
arse finished joyriding round with the evidence?

I mean, how does it go here exactly?

The killer comes in, strings her up, wearing
an Inspector Fell mask from the local joke shop?

- Jesus Christ Almighty!
- Yes, OK, Herbie! Enough!

All right.

Here's the whole deal.

Jessica, my daughter,
has had some problems.

Chemical dependency, buying and
selling. Well, how often does it happen?

She picked the wrong friends,
they fell on her like vultures.

In the space of a year, she was a ghost.

Well, between us, it took a
lot of pain, a lot of work,

but she got through it.

The bench was lenient, but she knew what
to expect if she ever went back, so...

Spool forward 18 months to last Monday.

This woman Marion Crespo
sends me a letter...

advising me that certain sworn statements have
come into her possession about my daughter.

Basically, a major drugs
bust she was handling

and Jess had been named
as one of the suppliers.

And it might be in my interest to drop by
for a discreet inspection of the documents.

So I get there and find the place empty.

Naturally, I'm not gonna sit
around twiddling my thumbs.

You found that bit of gum I dumped
in the plant pot in the corner.

Big deal.

So, yeah, I had a sniff around to
locate the material in question,

which, as she said, isn't gonna
look good on my daughter's CV.

No point now waiting for
this person to show up

and I don't particularly want to
advertise the fact that I'd been there.

All I could think about now
was, "How did this happen

"when she had given me
every reason to trust her?"

I don't know why we have
to even discuss this!

What do you want me to say?

How much fun did you have
putting these together?

Can't you see this
whole thing's a fit-up?

Someone who wants to see us both suffer.

Don't believe me, do you?

Not one of you.

So, I suppose... What do you think? He shut
her up because she was trying to blackmail him?

Something he said in
there... Did you notice?

That gum he'd been chewing was found in
the potted palm to the right of the door.

But what did he say? That he dumped
it in the plant pot in the corner.

The one near her desk? Why would anyone
move a lump of gum from one pot to another?

That's a very good question.

That's the kind of piddling detail that
could turn this whole business inside out.

Jonathan Creek.

Oh, don't!

If it weren't for the
unfortunate iconic imagery here,

this could be straight out of a
Merrie Melodies cartoon of the 1940s!

Jonathan, help me!

Got your prime comic
ingredients all nicely in place,

the precariously poised fall
guy with steaming pile of manure.

What would Tex Avery
have done here, I wonder?

Stop!

There's always a chance he's right, I suppose
- she did fake those pictures.

- Hmm...
- I can't help feeling

he's hiding something from us, even now.

- Heave! Heave!
- Come on!

He doesn't care, does he, your man,
I'll give him that, who he offends?

These days, that's virtually nobody.

In fact, this whole exercise
has been... What would you say?

Monumentally pointless?

On the other hand, has it made
some things blindingly clear?

Well done, guys. I think I'm just
about, yeah, pretty damn perpendicular.

Whoaaaaa!

Careful with him. He could
have broken his spine.

Just go now, all of
you. Leave it with us.

So... dare I ask what it was that
suddenly came to you back then?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, well, it could be nothing.

Or it could be I'm just starting
to see what Mr Fell is all about.

In which case, I'm thinking all roads
lead back to Marion Crespo's office,

where the key to this whole affair...

Jonathan? Oh, God!

Adam?

- What the hell?
- Who was on that stretcher, then?

Oh, no. They couldn't possibly have...

OK, Sergeant.

Thanks.

What did they tell you?

Everything.

And... what do you believe?

What do you want me to believe?

Yes, this is a message for
Sergeant Bryant from Jonathan Creek.

We're on our way to
Marion Crespo's office.

It'll take us about an hour. If
you've got a second to meet us there...

Ah.

Now, now, now. I think that
answers our first question.

So if you're saying he put
the gum in this pot here...

how did it end up over there?

- It doesn't make any sense.
- On the contrary,

if you look at what actually happened
here, what he said makes perfect sense.

Because it defines the whole,
thoroughly nasty, premeditated operation.

I wouldn't mind a clue now about what it
is I'm supposed to be feeling excited about.

You'll be telling me next
what was in that box of his.

No, but from the way you told it,
I can make a pretty smart guess.

Come on. Haven't you
worked out who Mr G is yet?

Why Inspector Fell might have wanted to
prepare you for death the other night?

Like he said, nowadays it's the last...

Aaagh! Ohhh!

Sorry to spoil your fun, Mr
MacDonald, but you are nicked.

Tempting as it is to put this down to the
press going about their normal business,

peddlers of lies and distortion,

Hattie Baron, as it turns out, was
just part of a much bigger set-up here,

a set-up we're now aware stemmed from the
nastiest piece of work in this whole affair.

If I'd recognised Crozier in that
bed, I might have got there sooner.

Just to say we're on our way
to Marion Crespo's office.

Once it clicked and I picked up
your call on the office voicemail,

oh, yes, lovely Patrick James MacDonald.

Closest we'll ever get probably
to a real-life Napoleon of crime,

finally nailed, along with his
chum Jason Lee, in March 1987,

on a fairly breathtaking raft of charges that
appeared to have put them both away for life.

But I think you've got an
update for us, Sergeant.

3rd of June, '92, Lee
appears to have lost the plot

and strung himself up with
some knotted tea towels.

Macdonald, helped by a smart legal
team, managed to swing an early parole.

Ended up back in circulation
just over a month ago.

Vowing, we can assume, to get even

with three people who, by
now, he didn't like very much -

the key witness at his trial, the
lawyer who put the case together

and the young detective
who brought him in.

Mr Rumpole didn't hang around very long
- victim of a rare sleeping disorder,

we were meant to believe,

while Ms Crespo goes the way of his
late colleague at the end of a rope.

And to round it all off, what could be
sweeter than to see the police officer

put away for a murder he didn't commit?

So a couple of letters go out,
one to get you into this office

to check out those rigged
statements about your daughter,

the other to a hungry press photographer
who'll make the most of whatever she sees

from that stairwell in
the building opposite.

What did she see?

Answer
- exactly what she was meant to.

The whole point being the position
of the observer here was critical.

In the face of fairly damning evidence,

a chance remark about some chewing
gum threw up a possible lifeline.

How do we square the fact it was thrown in the
pot in the corner, but found in this one here?

Who's gonna move a bit of gum or a potted
plant around after you'd left the room, and why?

Unless, of course, they didn't.

And the gum was found
exactly where you threw it.

In a plant pot in the corner, only
not the corner we were thinking of...

the whole objective here being to
place you at the scene of a murder

without you realising it.

Let's say the deed's been
done an hour or so beforehand.

Then, crucially, a thin partition
goes up to screen off the body.

Decorators have already been planted
there tarting up the premises,

so a few bits of plasterboard knocking
about aren't going to attract much attention.

Vital, of course, for you to be
discovered at just the right moment,

which would be down to that security officer
she had to wait around for on the stairs.

All you see when you
walk in is an empty room,

but to Hattie and her camera,
the scene appears quite different.

For a bit of dressing,
they re-hang a few pictures.

A not very flattering
cartoon about the police

I imagine caused that sneer
just before you left the room.

They made it all good again afterwards.

Apart from a few tell-tale holes
where they had braced the panels.

Of course, the irony here is if we'd had a
clearer take on the fundamentals in your life...

we'd have seen how really
unlikely these charges were.

A tiny trigger point this morning which,
looking back, was probably quite significant.

So the killer comes in, strings her up,

wearing an Inspector Fell mask from the
local joke shop. Jesus Christ Almighty!

Yes, OK, Herbie! Enough!

It wasn't the hectoring tone, was it, cut
through you at that point like a knife?

But the words.

Because you've never made
anything of your faith.

In a country where these days a mock
crucifixion would barely raise an eyebrow

and in a job where a committed
Christian runs the risk of ridicule.

Like the rest of us,

he's had some bad press up
there over the years, but...

Mr G?

If you get past all the
rant and the ritual...

past all the religion basically...

to what's good, worth
building your life around.

I mean, yeah... you know...

we could all do a lot worse.

I swear on the Holy Bible
that I'm telling the truth.

Can you put hope in a
box... and lock it away?

Well, someone certainly
looked after you today, eh?

They have.

And thanks.

Good God above, Brendan. This is possibly
the most revolting thing I've ever seen.

This is what you spent the last
three nights glued to after supper?

It's not "Fantastic Voyage". What
did you expect? Donald Pleasance?

I think they lowered
in a cable, didn't they?

There you go, then.

Basic mechanics of the Marion Crespo thing,
and I've scribbled a couple of diagrams there.

Thanks. That'll be just the ticket.
You mock me, people, but listen to this.

"We thought you would like to know that
the endoscopy of your transverse colon

"was judged to be the
perfect archetype of its kind

"and was first choice for inclusion
in our reference library. " Yes!

"In addition, the panel were impressed by
an earlier study of your Fallopian tubes,

"which was also of exceptional... "

- Fallopian tubes?
- Yeah. This envelope...

Think they got you mixed
up with someone else?

So this wasn't even your
video in the first place?

How did that happen? Where
did you get that tape from?

- It was on top of the TV where you left it.
- I left it on the table here.

THAT is the video survey
they did on our drain.

They feed a camera down the pipe and...
That's what you think my insides look like?

With tree roots poking through
and all that sludge and...

- I'm not an expert!
- Not an expert?

Never mind. Come on.
We're going to this do.

To which you're more than welcome,
Jonathan. The ITV winter press launch.

Brendan's got four new prime-time
shows about to be previewed.

Unless you'd rather stay and
stare at the contents of a sewer!

No contest, Brendan.

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