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1
00:00:01,155 --> 00:00:03,295
Who's fat, who's gross?
Who's least, who's most?
2
00:00:03,357 --> 00:00:04,487
Someone, someone.
3
00:00:04,558 --> 00:00:07,098
I got Amber Tamblyn throwing
some real shade
4
00:00:07,161 --> 00:00:08,661
on Dame Judi Dench.
5
00:00:08,729 --> 00:00:09,799
Amber!
6
00:00:13,033 --> 00:00:14,633
Please, my dog is sick,
come on.
7
00:00:14,701 --> 00:00:16,641
So you'd marry Betty White?
8
00:00:16,703 --> 00:00:18,773
Whoa! Rock, paper, scissor!
9
00:00:20,674 --> 00:00:23,074
I thought Amber Tamblyn
was (bleep) dead.
10
00:00:23,143 --> 00:00:25,383
It's like,
be young forever.
11
00:00:25,446 --> 00:00:27,116
Uh, I need bloated
beach bodies.
12
00:00:27,181 --> 00:00:28,181
Scars.
13
00:00:28,248 --> 00:00:29,688
Go!
Ted!
14
00:00:29,750 --> 00:00:31,550
Because I secretly want
to (bleep) you.
15
00:00:31,618 --> 00:00:32,918
I got Anthony Bourdain
16
00:00:32,986 --> 00:00:35,286
doing a pretty bad job
of hailing a cab.
17
00:00:35,355 --> 00:00:36,695
Anthony Bourdain!
18
00:00:39,293 --> 00:00:40,623
My foot's stuck!
19
00:00:40,694 --> 00:00:41,724
Anthony!
20
00:00:41,795 --> 00:00:43,095
Someone call 9-1-1.
21
00:00:43,163 --> 00:00:44,863
I just need one more person
to move this car!
22
00:00:44,932 --> 00:00:46,972
Literally one more
person to move this car!
23
00:00:47,034 --> 00:00:49,974
Looks like he's gonna lose
a few body parts unknown.
24
00:00:50,037 --> 00:00:52,177
'Cause of that TV show,
"Parts Unknown."
25
00:00:52,239 --> 00:00:54,739
Anthony Bourdain,
what an asshole.
26
00:00:55,909 --> 00:00:57,179
Actual cockroach,
what do you got?
27
00:00:57,244 --> 00:00:59,484
I got Demi Lovato's
housekeeper
28
00:00:59,546 --> 00:01:02,546
and she's eating
a Caesar salad.
29
00:01:03,817 --> 00:01:06,417
See you next Tuesday, (bleep).
30
00:01:10,457 --> 00:01:12,397
Oh, she deserved it!
31
00:01:12,459 --> 00:01:14,899
No offense,
but, if anyone else noticed,
32
00:01:14,962 --> 00:01:17,362
like, I'll say it,
she's not white.
33
00:01:17,431 --> 00:01:20,731
You guys, you're my friends even
if I don't pay you, right?
34
00:01:20,801 --> 00:01:22,201
I bet you do.
35
00:01:22,269 --> 00:01:24,609
I bet you do.
36
00:01:24,671 --> 00:01:27,141
Now, who's fragile?
Who's in a bad place?
37
00:01:27,207 --> 00:01:28,207
Who's on the brink?!
38
00:01:28,275 --> 00:01:29,615
Piece of shit,
what do you got?
39
00:01:29,676 --> 00:01:30,946
I got Justin Long
40
00:01:31,011 --> 00:01:33,451
giving a breakthrough
dramatic performance.
41
00:01:33,514 --> 00:01:34,644
Hey, Justin!
42
00:01:34,715 --> 00:01:37,285
9/11 or 7-Eleven?
9/11 or 7-Eleven?
43
00:01:37,351 --> 00:01:38,991
This is not a good time.
I'm burying my father.
44
00:01:39,052 --> 00:01:41,152
Who are you wearing?
Who's your dad wearing?
45
00:01:41,221 --> 00:01:43,691
Justin!
Justin, Justin!
46
00:01:43,757 --> 00:01:45,827
Justin! Justin
Long! -Thank you.
47
00:01:45,893 --> 00:01:49,293
Hey, bro, how come
you're so sad?
48
00:01:49,363 --> 00:01:52,203
Wahh, I miss my daddy!
49
00:02:07,714 --> 00:02:11,884
Poor, unfortunate souls!
50
00:02:14,855 --> 00:02:17,925
I don't know if I can
do this anymore!
51
00:02:29,503 --> 00:02:31,043
Do you guys
watch TMZ?
52
00:02:31,105 --> 00:02:32,875
I've watched a couple of
ones that I've been on,
53
00:02:32,940 --> 00:02:34,210
and they're bizarre.
54
00:02:34,274 --> 00:02:36,074
Like, any time
you're friends with someone
55
00:02:36,143 --> 00:02:37,913
and they'll ask you
and they're like,
56
00:02:37,978 --> 00:02:39,418
they're like,
"Amber, Amber, Amber,
57
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,150
did you see what Amy Schumer ate
for breakfast this morning?"
58
00:02:42,216 --> 00:02:44,356
You're like, "Pussy.
Next question."
59
00:03:07,975 --> 00:03:09,775
Oh, my gosh.
60
00:03:12,045 --> 00:03:13,845
I'm the president!
61
00:03:13,914 --> 00:03:15,614
Holy shit!
62
00:03:19,086 --> 00:03:20,656
Oh, no!
63
00:03:20,721 --> 00:03:22,791
No!
64
00:03:22,856 --> 00:03:25,356
I got my period
on my first day?
65
00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:28,630
Damn it.
66
00:03:30,197 --> 00:03:31,767
Okay, okay.
67
00:03:31,832 --> 00:03:34,132
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay...
68
00:03:34,201 --> 00:03:35,641
Okay, you can handle this.
69
00:03:35,702 --> 00:03:37,202
It's not ideal
for the first day.
70
00:03:37,271 --> 00:03:38,771
It's not amazing.
71
00:03:38,839 --> 00:03:41,309
But you can do anything.
You're the president.
72
00:03:42,643 --> 00:03:43,773
Madame President.
73
00:03:43,844 --> 00:03:45,184
We're calling
an emergency meeting
74
00:03:45,245 --> 00:03:46,885
about the situation in Iran?
75
00:03:48,215 --> 00:03:49,855
I'll be out in a second!
76
00:03:51,018 --> 00:03:53,818
Come on, bitch.
77
00:03:57,357 --> 00:03:59,327
Madame President,
I can see the benefits,
78
00:03:59,393 --> 00:04:01,363
but we need to explore
all our options.
79
00:04:01,428 --> 00:04:03,168
We don't know if we have
enough NATO support
80
00:04:03,230 --> 00:04:04,570
for sanctions at this point.
81
00:04:04,631 --> 00:04:06,531
But militarily,
our choices are limited
82
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,500
to drone strikes
and strategic air...
83
00:04:10,804 --> 00:04:12,504
I'm sorry,
does anyone have any Advil?
84
00:04:12,573 --> 00:04:13,873
Excuse me?
I just...
85
00:04:13,941 --> 00:04:16,081
I have epic cramps
and I just...
86
00:04:16,143 --> 00:04:19,913
Ugh, my mind is, like, mush,
right now, if I'm being real.
87
00:04:19,980 --> 00:04:21,850
I'll get you Advil
right away, Madame.
88
00:04:21,915 --> 00:04:23,585
Thank you,
you are, like, my hero.
89
00:04:23,650 --> 00:04:24,890
Now may I continue?
90
00:04:24,952 --> 00:04:26,822
Yeah, but can you dim the lights
a little bit?
91
00:04:26,887 --> 00:04:29,557
It's... it's like...
It is crazy bright in here.
92
00:04:29,623 --> 00:04:30,723
Do you want to maybe
hit that?
93
00:04:30,791 --> 00:04:31,821
You're kinda closest.
94
00:04:31,892 --> 00:04:33,732
Of course.
Thank you.
95
00:04:33,794 --> 00:04:35,694
That's great.
96
00:04:35,763 --> 00:04:37,563
Um, um,
up a little bit more.
97
00:04:37,631 --> 00:04:40,371
Oh...
It's not nap time.
98
00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:41,904
I'd split the difference.
99
00:04:43,337 --> 00:04:45,707
That's great.
Thank you for that.
100
00:04:45,773 --> 00:04:47,343
Okay.
101
00:04:47,407 --> 00:04:49,247
So you were saying something?
102
00:04:49,309 --> 00:04:52,009
Um, Iran
or something, Iraq?
103
00:04:52,079 --> 00:04:54,949
We need your support
in establishing
104
00:04:55,015 --> 00:04:57,015
the borders
of the no-fly zone.
105
00:04:57,084 --> 00:04:58,854
We are totally behind you
in that.
106
00:04:58,919 --> 00:05:00,759
You just need to give us
something in return
107
00:05:00,821 --> 00:05:02,861
with your export embargo.
108
00:05:02,923 --> 00:05:04,793
That's the last piece
of chocolate.
109
00:05:04,858 --> 00:05:05,958
Excuse me?
110
00:05:06,026 --> 00:05:08,326
Like, there's no more.
111
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:09,865
That's
the last piece.
112
00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:11,100
You've been eating
all of them,
113
00:05:11,165 --> 00:05:12,135
you could have just
at least asked me.
114
00:05:12,199 --> 00:05:13,469
Can't you just ask
for more?
115
00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:15,734
That's not the point!
116
00:05:15,803 --> 00:05:17,303
Ugh.
117
00:05:19,273 --> 00:05:22,713
Behind that door is the command
center for Adele Dazeem.
118
00:05:22,776 --> 00:05:24,946
He should be there.
119
00:05:25,012 --> 00:05:26,612
Okay, this is it.
120
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,320
Madame President,
permission to neutralize.
121
00:05:28,382 --> 00:05:30,082
You guys, I'm gonna
need to take five.
122
00:05:30,150 --> 00:05:31,490
Madame President?
123
00:05:31,552 --> 00:05:33,192
I have not changed
my tampon,
124
00:05:33,253 --> 00:05:34,493
it is leaking.
125
00:05:34,555 --> 00:05:35,825
Today's been a bear.
126
00:05:35,889 --> 00:05:36,989
Does anyone else
feel like that?
127
00:05:37,057 --> 00:05:38,297
Madame President...
128
00:05:38,358 --> 00:05:39,828
He's got...
He's gone!
129
00:05:39,893 --> 00:05:41,793
He slipped away!
Damn it!
130
00:05:41,862 --> 00:05:43,432
Stop yelling at me!
131
00:05:43,497 --> 00:05:46,067
Why are you being
so mean?
132
00:05:46,133 --> 00:05:47,933
You guys,
I can't be president
133
00:05:48,001 --> 00:05:50,141
because I got my period!
134
00:05:50,204 --> 00:05:51,944
Ugh!
135
00:05:53,373 --> 00:05:55,843
Does anyone have anything
they want to say to me?
136
00:06:00,647 --> 00:06:04,917
Like, maybe an "I'm sorry,"
and "You're my president"?
137
00:06:04,985 --> 00:06:06,355
Your hair looks good.
138
00:06:06,420 --> 00:06:08,590
Thank you.
139
00:06:08,655 --> 00:06:10,155
Thank you.
140
00:06:22,886 --> 00:06:25,086
It isn't anyone's business
but yours,
141
00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:27,625
but if your period
starts at work,
142
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:30,761
keeping your dirty little secret
private is almost impossible.
143
00:06:34,498 --> 00:06:37,938
Because when you're hiding
a bulky tampon in your sleeve,
144
00:06:38,001 --> 00:06:39,971
that walk from your desk
to the bathroom
145
00:06:40,037 --> 00:06:43,007
suddenly feels
a million miles long.
146
00:06:44,675 --> 00:06:48,675
By the time you get there,
everyone knows...
147
00:06:48,746 --> 00:06:51,916
there's some blood
coming out of your vagina.
148
00:06:53,384 --> 00:06:55,454
It's so embarrassing.
149
00:06:55,519 --> 00:06:58,319
If only there was
a solution.
150
00:06:59,823 --> 00:07:01,793
Wish that could have gone
differently, huh?
151
00:07:01,859 --> 00:07:03,259
Oh, yeah.
152
00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:05,627
You need Tampo,
from Baker Street,
153
00:07:05,696 --> 00:07:07,096
discreet feminine hiders.
154
00:07:07,164 --> 00:07:09,504
Tampo?
What's that?
155
00:07:09,566 --> 00:07:11,336
It's a discreet carrying case
for your tampon
156
00:07:11,402 --> 00:07:13,472
so no one notices
when you have your period.
157
00:07:13,537 --> 00:07:16,307
Our patented jazz saxophone
design guarantees
158
00:07:16,373 --> 00:07:18,973
that your tampon will go
totally unnoticed.
159
00:07:19,042 --> 00:07:21,542
Other saxophone-based
tampon holders
160
00:07:21,612 --> 00:07:24,052
store your feminine product
right in the bill.
161
00:07:24,114 --> 00:07:25,614
That could be a major problem.
162
00:07:25,682 --> 00:07:27,852
But at Baker Street,
we thought ahead
163
00:07:27,918 --> 00:07:29,688
to ensure complete discretion.
164
00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:31,993
Discretion?
I'm in!
165
00:07:32,056 --> 00:07:33,156
Great.
166
00:07:33,223 --> 00:07:34,463
Let's take it
from the top.
167
00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:35,995
A-two, three, four...
168
00:07:44,468 --> 00:07:45,538
Yeah.
169
00:07:48,739 --> 00:07:50,079
Hey, Amy.
170
00:07:52,042 --> 00:07:53,382
Yeah?
171
00:07:53,444 --> 00:07:55,544
When you get a chance,
could you help me
172
00:07:55,612 --> 00:07:57,682
code my third-quarter
Excel sheets?
173
00:07:57,748 --> 00:07:59,188
You're such a whiz at that.
174
00:07:59,249 --> 00:08:02,089
Sure thing, Daddy-O.
175
00:08:02,152 --> 00:08:03,692
Daddy-O.
176
00:08:05,589 --> 00:08:07,989
Tampo also comes with
step-by-step instructions
177
00:08:08,058 --> 00:08:12,898
on how to teach yourself jazz,
you know, just in case.
178
00:08:14,331 --> 00:08:15,361
Hey, you!
179
00:08:15,432 --> 00:08:16,702
Let's hear you play.
180
00:08:18,602 --> 00:08:20,172
Are you really
a saxophone nut,
181
00:08:20,237 --> 00:08:21,407
or do you just have
your per...
182
00:08:35,686 --> 00:08:38,526
That was awesome.
Are you in a band?
183
00:08:38,589 --> 00:08:40,929
Each Tampo comes with a CD-ROM
184
00:08:40,991 --> 00:08:44,091
full of flyer templates
for you to personalize.
185
00:08:44,161 --> 00:08:46,431
Come on out
and see us sometime.
186
00:08:46,497 --> 00:08:49,197
Right on.
187
00:08:51,168 --> 00:08:53,408
When your period gives you
the blues,
188
00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:54,840
turn up the Tampo.
189
00:08:54,905 --> 00:08:58,375
From the makers of Baker Street
discreet brown towel,
190
00:08:58,442 --> 00:09:00,612
for period sex.
191
00:09:00,677 --> 00:09:03,817
I had no idea Amy was
so good at jazz.
192
00:09:03,881 --> 00:09:06,781
And she never gets
her period.
193
00:09:14,825 --> 00:09:16,265
How do you feel
about period sex?
194
00:09:16,326 --> 00:09:17,426
Ugh, blech.
195
00:09:17,494 --> 00:09:18,764
Doesn't exist to me.
196
00:09:18,829 --> 00:09:19,999
Unless you mean 1800,
I'm not touching her.
197
00:09:20,064 --> 00:09:21,804
What is wrong with you?
198
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:23,205
Won't do it, won't do
it. No, never doing that.
199
00:09:23,267 --> 00:09:25,307
I don't need my whole room
smelling like pennies.
200
00:09:25,369 --> 00:09:26,739
So you guys...
201
00:09:39,850 --> 00:09:41,490
Can I help you
find something?
202
00:09:41,552 --> 00:09:42,982
Um, yeah.
203
00:09:43,053 --> 00:09:44,623
Do you have this
in a larger size?
204
00:09:44,688 --> 00:09:46,858
Have what?
In what?
205
00:09:46,924 --> 00:09:50,764
Uh, this shirt in...
in a larger size?
206
00:09:50,828 --> 00:09:52,198
Have you checked
under the table?
207
00:09:52,262 --> 00:09:54,532
No.
Good luck.
208
00:09:59,269 --> 00:10:00,469
So?
209
00:10:00,537 --> 00:10:02,507
I... I just got
down here.
210
00:10:02,573 --> 00:10:03,773
Oh.
211
00:10:03,841 --> 00:10:05,111
Any luck?
212
00:10:05,175 --> 00:10:06,445
Um, no, these...
213
00:10:06,510 --> 00:10:07,810
These are even smaller.
214
00:10:07,878 --> 00:10:09,618
Could you keep
your voice down?
215
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,380
You're scaring
the thinner customers.
216
00:10:11,448 --> 00:10:12,548
Oh, sorry.
217
00:10:12,616 --> 00:10:13,716
Can I help you find
something else?
218
00:10:13,784 --> 00:10:15,014
Maybe some jewelry.
219
00:10:15,085 --> 00:10:17,985
No.
I just need a...
220
00:10:18,055 --> 00:10:20,455
Just, just this
in a size 12.
221
00:10:20,524 --> 00:10:23,164
Like, a UK 12?
222
00:10:23,227 --> 00:10:25,297
Which is a U.S. 8.
223
00:10:25,362 --> 00:10:26,632
Or like a Japanese 12?
224
00:10:26,697 --> 00:10:28,497
Which is an American
toddler 3.
225
00:10:28,565 --> 00:10:31,005
Is that true...
No, no, I just...
226
00:10:31,068 --> 00:10:33,868
Just this in a...
227
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:35,507
12, a U.S. 12.
228
00:10:35,572 --> 00:10:39,312
I could call the Midwest
for you?
229
00:10:40,778 --> 00:10:43,248
Oh, where is my head?
230
00:10:43,313 --> 00:10:47,083
We have a whole section
for your... situation.
231
00:10:47,151 --> 00:10:48,481
Follow me.
232
00:10:51,422 --> 00:10:53,162
Please don't touch
that anymore.
233
00:10:58,996 --> 00:11:00,296
What?
234
00:11:01,432 --> 00:11:02,902
Where the (bleep) am I?
235
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,166
Amy?
236
00:11:04,234 --> 00:11:05,234
Lena?
237
00:11:05,302 --> 00:11:06,772
Hi!
238
00:11:06,837 --> 00:11:08,607
It's so good to see you.
239
00:11:08,672 --> 00:11:10,612
Okay, so I asked
for a turtleneck,
240
00:11:10,674 --> 00:11:11,844
they brought me here.
241
00:11:11,909 --> 00:11:13,079
That was, like,
three months ago.
242
00:11:13,143 --> 00:11:14,183
What? Wha...
243
00:11:14,244 --> 00:11:16,044
What is a cow
doing here?
244
00:11:16,113 --> 00:11:17,213
Oh, she's shopping.
245
00:11:17,281 --> 00:11:18,721
It's her daughter's
bat mitzvah.
246
00:11:18,782 --> 00:11:21,022
Is that the AIDS quilt?
247
00:11:21,085 --> 00:11:22,885
Mm-hmm,
Mindy Kaling returned it
248
00:11:22,953 --> 00:11:24,293
after she wore it
to the Golden Globes.
249
00:11:24,354 --> 00:11:26,194
Oh, she looked so warm.
Mm-hmm.
250
00:11:26,256 --> 00:11:28,056
Ma'am?
251
00:11:28,125 --> 00:11:29,965
Do you wanna try this on?
252
00:11:30,027 --> 00:11:32,027
That is a tarp
for wood.
253
00:11:32,096 --> 00:11:33,396
Yeah.
254
00:11:33,464 --> 00:11:35,704
It's perfect for covering
your pool or...
255
00:11:35,766 --> 00:11:37,306
your problem areas.
256
00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:39,337
Here.
Oh, okay.
257
00:11:39,403 --> 00:11:40,973
It looks good, Amy.
258
00:11:41,038 --> 00:11:42,108
Really?
Yeah.
259
00:11:42,172 --> 00:11:43,972
Mm-hmm. I'll...
I'll take it.
260
00:11:44,041 --> 00:11:45,341
Great.
261
00:11:45,409 --> 00:11:47,209
Let's get you to the register
before the storm comes.
262
00:11:48,879 --> 00:11:49,979
Bye.
Bye.
263
00:11:52,850 --> 00:11:54,650
Twister is a-comin'.
264
00:11:56,653 --> 00:11:58,423
Daisy?!
265
00:12:00,858 --> 00:12:02,288
Thanks.
266
00:12:02,359 --> 00:12:05,929
Why is there a mall pretzel
in the bag?
267
00:12:05,996 --> 00:12:08,636
Oh, we assume that's where
you'd be going next.
268
00:12:08,699 --> 00:12:12,239
That is really offensive.
269
00:12:12,302 --> 00:12:13,902
I can take it out
if you want. -No.
270
00:12:13,971 --> 00:12:15,411
But just for the future,
271
00:12:15,472 --> 00:12:17,972
just, like, know that
that is offensive.
272
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,811
Do you want dipping sauce?
Yeah.
273
00:12:31,580 --> 00:12:33,950
I am so glad that
we're doing this.
274
00:12:34,015 --> 00:12:36,715
It's so important that
we get out of the city, right?
275
00:12:36,785 --> 00:12:38,015
We can catch up and, you know,
276
00:12:38,086 --> 00:12:40,586
remember that Manhattan isn't
the whole world.
277
00:12:40,655 --> 00:12:42,095
Isn't it, though?
Yeah.
278
00:12:43,491 --> 00:12:44,891
You're so funny.
279
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,460
Totally, I've missed
you guys so much.
280
00:12:46,528 --> 00:12:47,798
Me too.
281
00:12:47,862 --> 00:12:49,432
Natasha, are you still
dating Jeremy?
282
00:12:49,497 --> 00:12:51,937
No, it turned out he was,
like, a total sociopath.
283
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,130
What happened?
284
00:12:53,201 --> 00:12:54,271
We were watching
the entire season
285
00:12:54,336 --> 00:12:55,866
of "Game of Thrones"
together, right?
286
00:12:55,937 --> 00:12:58,407
That's sweet, and then he goes
and he watches one without me.
287
00:12:58,473 --> 00:13:00,713
Just watched it
without you?
288
00:13:00,775 --> 00:13:02,245
Oh, yeah.
No.
289
00:13:02,310 --> 00:13:03,710
Total sociopath.
290
00:13:03,778 --> 00:13:05,418
I read an article about a book
about that once, okay?
291
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,750
You are so lucky
you got out.
292
00:13:06,815 --> 00:13:10,315
Uh, Amy, how about that
architect you were dating?
293
00:13:10,385 --> 00:13:12,085
What's it like to (bleep)
an architect?
294
00:13:12,153 --> 00:13:13,323
Seems like it'd be better.
295
00:13:13,388 --> 00:13:17,288
Yeah, it is, it is better,
but we broke up.
296
00:13:17,359 --> 00:13:19,799
Because I am sorry to say
297
00:13:19,861 --> 00:13:23,101
that Martin was, like,
a textbook borderline.
298
00:13:23,164 --> 00:13:24,404
I'm so sorry.
299
00:13:24,466 --> 00:13:26,766
What textbook?
300
00:13:26,835 --> 00:13:29,735
So I'm a (bleep) liar, Abby?
301
00:13:29,804 --> 00:13:31,274
No.
302
00:13:31,339 --> 00:13:33,279
For your information...
Hi.
303
00:13:33,341 --> 00:13:35,841
For your information, we were,
like, perfect in the beginning.
304
00:13:35,911 --> 00:13:37,811
Everything was, like, amazing,
305
00:13:37,879 --> 00:13:40,949
and then out
of literally nowhere,
306
00:13:41,016 --> 00:13:44,456
he was, like, crazy late
to my pre-birthday party.
307
00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:46,259
Wow.
Oh, wow.
308
00:13:46,321 --> 00:13:47,921
I'm so sorry.
309
00:13:47,989 --> 00:13:50,089
And I was like, oh, you're
trying to destroy me.
310
00:13:50,158 --> 00:13:51,428
It's like
that Jesus saying,
311
00:13:51,493 --> 00:13:52,963
"Do unto others
on your birthday
312
00:13:53,028 --> 00:13:54,668
like you would have them
treat you on your birthday."
313
00:13:54,729 --> 00:13:59,039
Yeah, it's like, live every day
like it's your last birthday.
314
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:03,870
Dance like no one knows
it's your last birthday.
315
00:14:03,939 --> 00:14:08,809
And, oh, also, he called
the Internet "the interwebs."
316
00:14:08,877 --> 00:14:10,317
Oh, please.
317
00:14:10,378 --> 00:14:13,318
So he was obviously
on the spectrum.
318
00:14:13,381 --> 00:14:14,621
Which spectrum?
319
00:14:14,683 --> 00:14:16,483
(bleep) you, Abby!
320
00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:17,651
Are you Lee Patton Oswalt?
321
00:14:17,719 --> 00:14:19,319
Why don't you back
the (bleep) up?
322
00:14:19,387 --> 00:14:20,527
Are you trying to destroy me?
323
00:14:20,589 --> 00:14:22,059
No, I am not, Amy.
324
00:14:22,123 --> 00:14:24,663
Um, anyway,
I totally met somebody.
325
00:14:24,726 --> 00:14:27,166
That's nice.
Yeah, yeah, it is nice.
326
00:14:27,229 --> 00:14:28,599
Where'd you meet him?
327
00:14:28,663 --> 00:14:30,163
I pretty much just followed
and unfollowed him on Twitter
328
00:14:30,232 --> 00:14:31,972
until he finally noticed me.
329
00:14:32,033 --> 00:14:33,473
Oh, my God,
are you (bleep) Am?�lie?
330
00:14:33,535 --> 00:14:36,075
That's the most adorable
thing I've ever heard.
331
00:14:36,137 --> 00:14:37,707
He does have a "Rain Man" thing
going on, though.
332
00:14:37,772 --> 00:14:39,242
Autism.
No.
333
00:14:39,307 --> 00:14:40,477
His name is Dustin.
334
00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:41,612
Oh, my God.
335
00:14:41,676 --> 00:14:43,316
I'm sorry,
but at a certain age,
336
00:14:43,378 --> 00:14:44,778
your name is your choice.
337
00:14:44,846 --> 00:14:46,346
You know what, we're probably
gonna break up anyway.
338
00:14:46,414 --> 00:14:49,014
You know, he has a really
addictive personality.
339
00:14:49,084 --> 00:14:50,214
He's a raging chocoholic.
340
00:14:50,285 --> 00:14:51,755
I'm sorry.
341
00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:54,320
Um, I thought only
women got that.
342
00:14:54,389 --> 00:14:56,359
It was like
a joke problem.
343
00:14:56,424 --> 00:14:58,594
What?
Abby, men get it too.
344
00:14:58,660 --> 00:15:00,500
There's just so much more
shame associated with it.
345
00:15:00,562 --> 00:15:03,102
Okay, I'm really ashamed
of him.
346
00:15:03,164 --> 00:15:04,664
I'm ashamed of you, Abby.
347
00:15:04,733 --> 00:15:06,003
You're a bad person.
348
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:07,207
Do you hate women?
349
00:15:07,269 --> 00:15:08,839
No.
350
00:15:08,904 --> 00:15:11,274
Anyway, what's Brian like?
351
00:15:11,339 --> 00:15:14,109
Um...
You know, I don't know.
352
00:15:14,175 --> 00:15:15,675
Are these red flags?
353
00:15:15,744 --> 00:15:18,744
He has zero empathy,
he sets fires,
354
00:15:18,813 --> 00:15:20,883
he tortures
small animals.
355
00:15:20,949 --> 00:15:23,149
He wets himself
on purpose,
356
00:15:23,218 --> 00:15:25,018
and he's really, really
manipulative.
357
00:15:25,086 --> 00:15:26,486
Thoughts?
358
00:15:26,555 --> 00:15:28,625
I don't know, I mean,
he sounds really interesting.
359
00:15:28,690 --> 00:15:31,190
I think you're just projecting
your fear of abandonment.
360
00:15:31,259 --> 00:15:34,259
Abby, a red flag...
361
00:15:34,329 --> 00:15:36,899
is just a green light
you're afraid of.
362
00:15:36,965 --> 00:15:39,235
Go to him.
363
00:15:42,971 --> 00:15:45,141
Well, he is my dad.
364
00:15:45,206 --> 00:15:46,876
Aww!
365
00:15:46,942 --> 00:15:48,882
Boo!
366
00:15:54,182 --> 00:15:56,652
So, M.E.,
you are a sociopath.
367
00:15:56,718 --> 00:15:58,758
I am, yes,
diagnosed sociopath.
368
00:15:58,820 --> 00:15:59,990
Let's talk about it.
369
00:16:00,055 --> 00:16:01,895
You asked us to alter
your appearance?
370
00:16:01,957 --> 00:16:03,227
Right.
Why is that?
371
00:16:03,291 --> 00:16:04,791
I don't know if you know,
372
00:16:04,859 --> 00:16:07,299
there's, like, a little bit
of a stigma about sociopaths.
373
00:16:07,362 --> 00:16:09,202
Yeah, there's, like,
a little stigma.
374
00:16:09,264 --> 00:16:10,464
Yeah.
So, I mean...
375
00:16:10,532 --> 00:16:12,102
Oh, my God, cool, let's
invite her to our party.
376
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:13,167
Right, exactly.
377
00:16:13,235 --> 00:16:14,565
I know you've done
some television
378
00:16:14,636 --> 00:16:16,606
and you've written a book and...
What's your book called?
379
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,241
It's called
"Confessions of a Sociopath:
380
00:16:18,306 --> 00:16:20,506
A Life Spent Hiding
in Plain Sight," yeah.
381
00:16:20,575 --> 00:16:22,445
What does it mean
to be a sociopath?
382
00:16:22,510 --> 00:16:24,410
Basically, it's like
moral insanity.
383
00:16:24,479 --> 00:16:26,019
You don't have
a conscience.
384
00:16:26,081 --> 00:16:28,921
I would say the defining traits
are a lack of empathy.
385
00:16:28,984 --> 00:16:31,184
You don't necessarily
feel guilt.
386
00:16:31,253 --> 00:16:34,923
Now, I have informally been
diagnosed as a (bleep).
387
00:16:34,990 --> 00:16:37,290
Oh, really? There's been
no doctors, but it's...
388
00:16:37,359 --> 00:16:40,099
You hear a word enough
and you think it's possible.
389
00:16:40,161 --> 00:16:43,161
There you go.
So, flying colors for me.
390
00:16:43,231 --> 00:16:45,301
What was one of the first things
you remember where...
391
00:16:45,367 --> 00:16:47,967
where people were like, why
don't you feel bad about this?
392
00:16:48,036 --> 00:16:49,476
I think I was like
six or seven, eight,
393
00:16:49,537 --> 00:16:50,977
we were watching
something on TV,
394
00:16:51,039 --> 00:16:52,679
it was this little boy,
he was crying,
395
00:16:52,741 --> 00:16:54,811
something horrible had happened
to him, whatever it was,
396
00:16:54,876 --> 00:16:56,776
and I was kind of laughing
and making fun of him,
397
00:16:56,845 --> 00:16:58,715
and my dad was, like,
horrified and said,
398
00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:00,120
you know,
"Have you no empathy?"
399
00:17:00,181 --> 00:17:01,421
And that was the first time
400
00:17:01,483 --> 00:17:03,353
that I had heard
that word used, "empathy,"
401
00:17:03,418 --> 00:17:06,158
and I thought, I... I don't
know if I have empathy.
402
00:17:06,221 --> 00:17:08,021
I guess I don't. -What was
happening with the boy?
403
00:17:08,089 --> 00:17:10,789
I don't know, you know,
like, had his parents die
404
00:17:10,859 --> 00:17:11,959
or, you know,
something horrible.
405
00:17:12,027 --> 00:17:13,127
Something bullshit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
406
00:17:13,194 --> 00:17:14,734
some local news story,
exactly.
407
00:17:14,796 --> 00:17:19,406
Um, what is the worst thing,
you would say,
408
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:20,737
you've ever done
409
00:17:20,802 --> 00:17:22,372
that people were, like,
"That's not okay"?
410
00:17:22,437 --> 00:17:24,537
I have always had very
terrible moral judgment.
411
00:17:24,606 --> 00:17:26,176
Mm-hmm.
It's hard for me...
412
00:17:26,241 --> 00:17:27,511
You know, I'll do something
413
00:17:27,576 --> 00:17:28,806
and then people will be
outraged and it's...
414
00:17:28,877 --> 00:17:30,847
Like what?
Uh, I don't know,
415
00:17:30,912 --> 00:17:33,082
like abandoning my friend
who had cancer,
416
00:17:33,148 --> 00:17:35,418
you know, stealing
somebody's bike, you know...
417
00:17:35,483 --> 00:17:36,683
You stole a bike?
418
00:17:36,751 --> 00:17:38,751
I've probably stolen,
like... 20 bikes.
419
00:17:38,820 --> 00:17:40,320
Really?
420
00:17:40,388 --> 00:17:41,558
What do you do with them?
421
00:17:41,623 --> 00:17:42,993
I just, like, use them
and then I...
422
00:17:43,058 --> 00:17:44,828
Sometimes I put them back.
Often, I put them back.
423
00:17:44,893 --> 00:17:48,233
So really, Citi Bikes is
not a new thing for you. No.
424
00:17:48,296 --> 00:17:49,836
When people find out
your diagnosis,
425
00:17:49,898 --> 00:17:51,438
are they afraid of you?
426
00:17:51,499 --> 00:17:53,999
I think that people hear
the word "sociopath"
427
00:17:54,069 --> 00:17:55,499
and in their mind,
they think killer.
428
00:17:55,570 --> 00:17:56,770
Where did that come from?
429
00:17:56,838 --> 00:18:00,008
Like, um, Hollywood
writers being lazy.
430
00:18:00,075 --> 00:18:01,875
You don't have to tell me.
Yeah, why did that...
431
00:18:01,943 --> 00:18:03,113
Yeah.
432
00:18:03,178 --> 00:18:04,618
Why did that person
do that bad thing?
433
00:18:04,679 --> 00:18:05,679
They're a sociopath.
434
00:18:05,747 --> 00:18:07,587
Have you ever been violent?
435
00:18:07,649 --> 00:18:10,119
I wouldn't think of myself
as being terribly violent,
436
00:18:10,185 --> 00:18:12,355
but if you ask me questions
like, have you...
437
00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:14,360
did you used to get in fights
when you were little,
438
00:18:14,422 --> 00:18:16,192
like, or have you ever
killed a small animal,
439
00:18:16,258 --> 00:18:17,958
then I would be answering yes
to those questions.
440
00:18:18,026 --> 00:18:19,766
What small animal?
441
00:18:19,828 --> 00:18:21,098
I start off the book
talking about
442
00:18:21,162 --> 00:18:22,932
drowning a baby opossum
in my pool.
443
00:18:22,998 --> 00:18:25,738
Well, possums are gross.
Yes, that's what I thought.
444
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,600
What do you think is the biggest
misconception about sociopaths?
445
00:18:29,671 --> 00:18:33,041
Honestly, I think that
empathy is so important.
446
00:18:33,108 --> 00:18:34,378
That empathy...
447
00:18:34,442 --> 00:18:35,912
Everyone's all about
their empathy.
448
00:18:35,977 --> 00:18:37,417
Who cares?
They really are, yeah.
449
00:18:37,479 --> 00:18:39,249
Let's say I suddenly
take away your empathy...
450
00:18:39,314 --> 00:18:40,484
Mm-hmm.
...what are you gonna do?
451
00:18:40,549 --> 00:18:41,779
The very next day,
you're gonna go out
452
00:18:41,850 --> 00:18:43,120
and kill your neighbor
just, just because?
453
00:18:43,184 --> 00:18:44,624
Right.
No.
454
00:18:44,686 --> 00:18:47,126
Yeah, you don't all of a sudden
want to kill somebody.
455
00:18:47,188 --> 00:18:49,788
What is something that
you would want people to know?
456
00:18:49,858 --> 00:18:51,428
You know, a sociopath
doesn't mean just evil.
457
00:18:51,493 --> 00:18:53,133
You know, there are plenty
of sociopaths out there
458
00:18:53,194 --> 00:18:54,394
doing good in the world.
459
00:18:54,462 --> 00:18:56,332
I see a lot of sociopaths
who are CEOs,
460
00:18:56,398 --> 00:18:58,298
you see a lot of sociopaths
who are politicians.
461
00:18:58,366 --> 00:18:59,436
There are also
a lot of sociopaths
462
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:01,241
who are surgeons, you know?
463
00:19:01,303 --> 00:19:03,143
If you're empathizing with somebody
as you're cutting into them,
464
00:19:03,204 --> 00:19:04,574
that's... that's not
a good thing.
465
00:19:04,639 --> 00:19:06,179
Yeah, but it can be a
good thing. -Soldiers.
466
00:19:06,241 --> 00:19:07,271
Definitely can be
a good thing.
467
00:19:07,342 --> 00:19:09,582
What type of things do
make you cry?
468
00:19:09,644 --> 00:19:11,784
Do you know the last time you
cried? -Onions, cutting onions.
469
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,946
Art makes me cry,
music makes me cry,
470
00:19:14,015 --> 00:19:17,115
anything that's kind of
either beautiful or, uh,
471
00:19:17,185 --> 00:19:18,785
kind of, I guess,
beautiful in the negative.
472
00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:20,523
You're good at reading people.
What do you read about me?
473
00:19:20,589 --> 00:19:22,159
I mean, I think it's
interesting that you have
474
00:19:22,224 --> 00:19:23,824
your sister here
working with you
475
00:19:23,892 --> 00:19:25,692
and the way that
she interacts with you,
476
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,500
and it's probably that you can
take things easier from your sister,
477
00:19:29,564 --> 00:19:32,134
like, criticisms, than you can
take from other people.
478
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,040
She's the one who actually
diagnosed me as a (bleep).
479
00:19:35,103 --> 00:19:36,173
Really?
Yeah.
480
00:19:36,238 --> 00:19:37,868
So she would know.
She would know.
481
00:19:44,028 --> 00:19:45,828
You and I think
that we're psychologists.
482
00:19:45,896 --> 00:19:47,536
I don't know if you do.
I think so, though.
483
00:19:47,598 --> 00:19:48,798
Like, do you just
diagnose people
484
00:19:48,866 --> 00:19:49,866
with personality disorders?
485
00:19:49,934 --> 00:19:51,364
Oh, all the (bleep) time.
486
00:19:51,435 --> 00:19:52,875
Everybody I...
I call my friends
487
00:19:52,937 --> 00:19:55,207
and I'm like, yeah,
he's definitely bipolar.
488
00:19:55,272 --> 00:19:56,612
Right, right.
Everybody's borderline.
489
00:19:56,674 --> 00:19:57,844
I'm like, well,
he's a bordie.
490
00:19:57,908 --> 00:19:59,248
Of course he's acting
like that.
491
00:19:59,310 --> 00:20:03,050
But I also like using those
as a way to, uh, make sure...
492
00:20:03,113 --> 00:20:04,653
I make sure that
they don't diagnose me
493
00:20:04,715 --> 00:20:06,315
and I'm like, and if you
think I'm a narcissist,
494
00:20:06,383 --> 00:20:08,353
here are the reasons
that I am not.
495
00:20:11,088 --> 00:20:13,188
Throw something over Lena!
496
00:20:13,257 --> 00:20:14,757
I'm okay!
497
00:20:16,227 --> 00:20:17,497
This is my choice!
498
00:20:19,797 --> 00:20:21,067
Aah!
499
00:20:26,070 --> 00:20:27,500
So easy.
500
00:20:27,571 --> 00:20:28,611
Mmm, magic.
501
00:20:31,226 --> 00:20:32,866
I like that blue.
It's a nice blue.
502
00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:37,466
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