All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s04e01 The Worlds Most Interesting Woman.eng

She's broken the hearts of over a
thousand men with her bare hands.

People hang on her every word,

and that word is usually...

"anal."

She didn't just take back
the night.

She took back
the whole (bleep) week.

Vietnam is a veteran of her.

If Keith Richards had a vagina,
which at this point he might,

it would be her.

Her ass catcalls itself.

She brushes her teeth
with her imagination.

She always brings a knife
to a gunfight.

Ahh.

And the gunfight is usually
just a Curves gym.

Ahh!

Her blood alcohol level is .0
of your business.

A bird in her hand is worth
three in the bush.

Also, she can fit
three hands in her bush.

She is the World's Most
Interesting Woman in the World.

I don't always drink beer,
but when I do,

I always have to pay
for it myself.

I got it, I got it.

Clementine Hospice Care.

For women who live like men.

Tweaks by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

I know you're very
respectful about your wife.

Yes.

- And you always have been.
- Yeah.

- I've been married 32 beautiful years.
- Aw.

- 32 beautiful years.
- Yeah.

- This woman is a saint.
- I'll say.

Uh, so every night

when she does not want
to have sex with you...

Yeah.

...how do you know it's
absolutely out of the question?

She doesn't sleep
in the same room with me.

- Aww...
- Yeah.

But once in a while,
I-- I get the favor bang.

That-- like you just said
the most romantic thing

- about your wife, and now, the favor bang?
- Yeah.

You won't even call
her vagina a vagina,

but you get a favor bang?

Yeah, she does me a favor.

Does it make it
any less enjoyable

knowing that she's just
doing you a solid

and she doesn't want you
to actually be inside her?

Well, just let her live
and be well.

Like I'm nice to her.

Who-- what is wrong
with you?

- It's been nine years.
- Yeah.

And when we fight,

it used to be we'd fight
and then we'd have makeup sex.

- And then I got really bored with that.
- Yeah.

So now I'm like...

- Uh-huh.
- Or...

Have like a bunch
of wonderful orgasms.

Yeah, right.

Thanks for joining our live coverage
of Not Fooling Around Chicken.

The game couples play when
neither wants to fool around,

but they don't want to be
the person who admits it.

That's right. We go now
to Kevin and Amy's house

where the game is just
getting underway.

- Hey, babe?
- Yeah.

Do you, uh, still have more work
to do before you come to bed?

No, I finished it all up.
I'll be right in.

Cool.

Okay, Michael,
so here are two people

who definitely just want
to go to bed.

That's right, Simon.

These two have clearly been
together for a while

and could not be less interested
in having sex tonight.

Absolutely, let's see
who will pull

the "we're not having sex
tonight" trigger first

and lose the game
of Not Fooling Around Chicken.

Wow, you seem really tired.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But no, I'm good.
I'm good.

Why, are you tired?

No, no, I, um, I ordered decaf,

but I think the waiter
gave me regular, so...

I am pretty awake.

Oh, good.

But coffee kind of upsets
your stomach

- sometimes, I know, so...
- Yeah, no.

- ...is your stomach okay?
- Totally fine.

My stomach feels like better
than usual.

What about you?
You ate-- you ate a lot.

- You must be pretty full.
- No.

You want to sleep it off now?

No, took a Pepcid.
So... I'm good.

Good, good.

I like what they've
done here, Simon.

Yes, it's quite
the chess match.

They've each ruled out
the other being tired

or physically sick at all.

Yes, it'll be interesting to
see where they go from here.

I like that night shirt.

- Oh, yeah.
- Looks really comfortable.

It's just the first thing
that I grabbed

when I got out of the shower.

- 'Cause I showered.
- Oh, you showered?

- Yep.
- Great.

Brilliant, I love Amy's use

of having showered to counter
her own shitty nightgown.

Yeah, it was a nice try
by Kevin,

but the ball is definitely back
in his court.

- Hi, Pearl.
- Ahh.

Oh, who's a good girl?

Who's a good girl?

Okay, now this is interesting.

The dog has entered the bedroom.

If one of them invites her
onto the bed,

that'll be a clear indication

that they aren't going
to fool around,

and we might have a winner.

She looks cold.

Oh, did you want
to invite her up?

No, I'm just saying, you know,
she looks... cold.

Why, did you-- did you
want to invite her up?

No, only if you did.

Wow, we seem to have arrived
at a stalemate.

Wait a minute, what is that Amy
is putting in her mouth?

Oh, that's definitely
a retainer, Michael.

Let's see if Kevin notices.

Oh... you have
your retainer in.

And I can take it right out.

You talk to your mom today?

Yeah, but we didn't fight.
Do you have your period?

No, not for another two weeks.

You have an early
meeting tomorrow?

No, I pushed it back to 11:00
so I can sleep in.

Are you feeling sad because
it's the anniversary

of your father dying?
Nope, I've made peace with it!

Do you want to just, um...?

Push my head in a pillow
for 30 seconds and have sex?

Yeah.

- Oh, no!
- Oh.

Wow, it looks like
they both lost.

Yep, neither were able to just
say they didn't feel like it.

So now they're just gonna have
to go through with it.

Oh, well, there's
always tomorrow

and for the rest
of their lives together.

Anyway, that's all for us here
at Relationship Center.

Yep, join us next time
for the You Pick A Place

on Seamless Murder-Suicide Bowl.

Good night.

A great man once said,
"It is what it is."

And according to the free clinic,
what it is... is herpes.

Stay drunk, my friends.

Where's the doctor?

We're your doctor.

No, you're a bunch
of congressmen.

I recognize you.

I just need to get
my annual Pap smear.

Ew.

Do any of you have
any medical training?

We're the House Committee
on Women's Health.

So I think we have a better idea
than a bunch of science-y nerdles.

You mean doctors?

Let's begin.

When was the date
of your last lady curse?

Two weeks ago,
if you mean my period.

Ew.

And how many blood diapers
did you use?

Tampons?

A dozen?
I don't know.

And that is...?

Twelve.

- Now, it says here you are 34.
- Yeah.

- How many children do you have?
- None.

- But it says here you're 34.
- Correct.

- Are you sexually active?
- Yeah.

And how many children
do you have?!

How often do you
and your husband, um...?

Oh, I'm not married.

Oh, so you're a virgin.

Well...

Have a lollipop and run along.

No, I'm not a virgin!
I'm just not married!

I just need my annual Pap smear
to make sure I'm healthy.

I have a family history
of cervical cancer.

Ew!

How many men have you
laid with in the last year?

Sex?

- Three?
- Mm-mm-mm.

Jesus.

Do two of you have like secret
families with your maids?

We're not the ones
on trial here!

That's right, young lady.

Okay, okay.

Guess we have to do
the vagina-y part.

Wha...?
What?

- What are you doing?
- Remember...

even though we're doing this,
we are not your boyfriend.

What?

Scooch down on the table,

put your legs in those
restraints, and present.

What?
Wait.

I feel a lot more comfortable
with a woman in here.

Aren't there any women on
the Women's Health Committee?

That'd be like letting
the lions run the zoo.

Like what is the movie
that you would use

to describe your pussy?

"Schindler's List."

Mine?

"Adventures in Babysitting,"
maybe.

I'm going
"Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Oh, that's good.

What movie do you think
best describes your vagina?

"The Color Purple".

Mmm, this yogurt is so good.

Apple Turnover is my favorite.

I've got Boston cream pie.
It tastes so good.

And the best part is,
it keeps me regular.

Well, my yogurt gets
to work downstairs, too.

But in the front
of the house...

I don't get your meaning.

This new yogurt, Yo-Puss,

makes your pussy
taste like nothing.

- Nothing?
- Nothing.

A woman's intimate area

is a rancid playground
of flavor-causing enzymes

and white gravel,

but Yo-Puss deadens
those cells,

removing the unpleasant
and unfair taste permanently.

You mean,
if I eat Yo-Puss,

I won't taste like hot summer
Chinatown garbage anymore?

You won't taste like
anything anymore.

My pussy tastes like nothing.

Here, taste.

Mmm.
Mm-hmm.

- Nothing.
- Right?

I use scented tampons even
when I'm not on my period,

just to chemically strip
my vagina of any scent.

But I still worry
it tastes really bad.

It definitely does.

But if you just choke down
three tubs of this per day,

I promise you, in the next
12 to 14 business weeks,

it'll start working.

Mmm.

- Tastes like yogurt, right?
- Mmm.

Particularly
strong-tasting pussies

may take up to 34 business weeks

to experience results
of Yo-Puss.

Side effects include ovarian
stigmata, puff taint,

and clitoral numbness.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

I've got plain.

Now, if only they could
work on something

that's gonna help with the taste
of my rancid asshole.

Yo-Puss

They say what goes up
must come down.

Me?
I just like going down.

Stay drunk, my friends.

And five, six, seven, eight.

Yes, uhh...
Hit.

Mm-mm.
Hit it really hard.

And then pop.

Oh, my God, take five.

Take five.

And no eating, we established
because of one person's behavior.

Oh, my God.

Lin-Emmanuel Miranda.

Thank you so much
for coming down.

Thank you, I was so excited
to get your phone call.

- You wrote "Hamil--" right?
- Yeah.

You wrote the whole thing
and you starred...

Has there ever been
a bigger musical, like ever?

- It's been an amazing...
- Like ever?

No?

Oh, my God, my sister and I saw
it and we were flipping out.

Thank you so much.

- It's been an incredible journey.
- But then I thought like...

I could do that.

You know, I thought,
how hard is it

to write like a hip-hopera
about, you know,

historical wig
and knee-sock people?

I'm sorry, I thought
you were asking me

to be on your TV show.

Why would you think that?

You sent me a DM
on Twitter that said,

"I'd love for you
to be on my TV show."

Okay, full disclosh,

high off my titties
when I wrote that message.

So, okay, I know what
you're thinking.

You're thinking like,
"Yes, Amy, you can do it,

you can do anything," right?

And you're also thinking,
"Wow, you're a lot prettier

- and way thinner person."
- No, none of this, no.

So I have done it.

I have written
a hip-hop musical

about another historical, famous
revolutionary character

by the name of--
are you ready?--

My Uber's gonna be here
in like four minutes, so...

Bethany Ross.

Betsy Ross, you're mixing up

a historical figure
with a Real Housewife.

Bingo.

Betsy Ross!
So...?

All right, so have
a seat, Linda.

That's Lin.

Oh, not this.
I need this.

But you're--
you're good on the floor.

Okay.

Okay.

Amy, you are not nothing,
you are not nothing.

You are not overweight.

Okay.

Her country.

And that is act one.

That's in act one?

As I just said,
that is act one.

Okay, and then act two
is more like...

pop culture-y like...

Okay, second act, is everything
perfect for Betsy? No.

She has a nemesis.
Right? Karen Hurr.

Like Aaron Burr, right?

No, Karen Hurr
is a fellow sewer

who-- spoiler alert--
tragically dies

in a sew-off
gone terribly wrong.

Two minutes...
on Uber.

- So--
- Who is that?

That is Tami.
She's just like in the corner.

Oh, hi, I'm Tami.
I'm one of the writers,

um, for the show,
not for this show.

But I-- ugh,
you are amazing.

My nephew is a really big fan.

His name is Jonathan
and he's in Dallas.

He knows all
of "Hamilton" by heart

except for the end
'cause it's too sad.

Okay, but that's enough,
and you did it.

So please go.

Oh, oh, oh...

This is my real-life sister.

So that's kind of a fun thing.

Hit the track!

Okay, and then Karen
hits me right back with...

That's it.

No, that's not it.

Can we just get one sec?

Do you want this for me?
Do you want this for me?

- Yes.
- Are you gonna bring it?

'Cause right now you're
wasting everyone's time.

He doesn't want to be here.

Yes, he does want to be here.

Don't blow this.

Cool, now we're ready.

- Oh...
- Yes!

Whoa!

And then I come back with...

Like if you don't know,
now you know.

Hmm, you know,
what word they say?

I'm not saying it.

- "N" word.
- Right.

So basically, at that point,
it's just like

a little bit
of like a love tune.

Like a make-out scene.

It's weird to do by myself unless
I have any volunteers-- you.

Okay, so I'm gonna
just wait outside

- for my car.
- Okay.

Um, oh, wait, wait!

Tami, the props.

Okay, I feel like after Betsy
was done like sewing,

she would want
to like clean up.

So I just feel like
she would be like--

Oh, no, don't do this thing.

Okay, thanks.
Have a great day.

Can we count on you to invest?

You said he'd give me
some tickets.

- Pramela, you are my bikini waxer.
- Yes.

- Let's talk about it.
- Yeah, yes.

So you and I have been together
for a long time.

- How long have you been waxing?
- More than 20 years.

What do most women get done?
Do they get everything?

They-- like the Brazilian,
everything off.

- Everything off.
- Yeah, like you.

Including asshole.
Butthole.

- Tushy hole. Right, everything off.
- Yes.

What is your favorite design
that somebody could get done?

Landing strip.

And that's where it just
like a little hair

right around the vagina?

No, is on the top of the...

The top, like a little
Hitler mustache.

- Just a little, a little guy.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

That's cute.
What about an arrow?

Like "this way."

- Do you ever get waxed?
- Yeah.

Yeah? Who does it?

- Each other.
- You do it with each other.

Has anybody ever come in

and you've looked
and you've said, "No"?

- No.
- No?

- That's nice.
- I never said no.

Now, sometimes when
I come in to get waxed,

you're wearing a mask.

Should I take--
should I be offended?

It's probably because
of powder sometimes.

- Powder.
- Getting into our nose, ear.

- That's why.
- Right.

It's not because
my vagina smells

- like hot summer Chinatown garbage?
- No.

It's nothing, no.
No, it's not.

Because I try to like hook it up
before I come in there.

But then you started basically
wearing an Ebola suit

to come in and deal with me.

So I thought, "Is something
going on with me?"

Here's a question, if you
haven't been touched in a while,

which has happened to me
several times over the years,

and then sometimes
you feel hot wax,

and your body,
like you kind of like get wet.

And you're like, "Oh, my God,

is Pramela gonna think
I'm hitting on her?"

- Does that happen a lot?
- No.

Is not.

Yeah, I know.

Has anyone ever farted
while you waxed them?

- No.
- No?

How would you describe
my vagina?

I have been seeing you
for nine years.

- Nine years.
- It still look...

Still looks good?
Same-- fresh and lovely.

I still--
I got it, right?

I still got it?

Is my vagina and my asshole,
are they like spaced correctly?

Like are things
like typical on me?

Is everyone sort of the same
amount away from each other?

The same, yes.

Does everyone have
the same like size taint?

No, everybody have different.

Everyone's different.

- So there's no good and bad.
- No.

Has anybody ever said,
"What's her...?

What's Amy's vagina like?"

- No, no.
- Really?

I'd want to know.

Do you have other
famous clients?

I had, but she moved to
somebody-- somebody else.

- That's why.
- Who could leave you?

- I know...
- You and me for life.

You and me are for life, okay?

I will always be there for you.

And I will always
be here for you

unless I'm in some sort of a very
strange bull-riding accident.

Are you in pain?

Hey...

You're a (bleep).

Hey, hey.

I use scented tampons
even when I'm not on my period

to chemically...

We're so close.

I'm having trouble
with this transish.

Um...

Oh, my hair.

Refill.

My name is Tracy.

All right, cut.

So easy.

Mmm, magic.

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